schizophrenia

you know, it just hit me. maybe i'm Lonely.

and Insecure too, to boot.

but then, these don't make sense to my brain at the moment because i should have absolutely no reason in the world to feel alone. insecure - well, yes, maybe lately, especially since i feel like i'm becoming uninspired and drab. but lonely? with a perfect boyfriend, family, and friends? sounds a bit rich, you might think.

slowly but surely, though, some semblence of dark loneliness is creeping into a corner of my increasingly shrinking heart and consciousness. and i don't know why it's so, or how to reverse this alarming happening. as i see myself retreating further inwards, i don't want to do anything to stop it. it feels almost like a spectacle, sort of. where i'm just sitting by the sidelines and watching a sad freakshow. sheer abjection. i see myself being permeated by dark, gloomy thoughts - and all i can do is watch as i become ever more dejected at apparently nothing, for seemingly no reason. perhaps it's some form of quarter-life crisis, if you're the kind who likes to trivialize things. whatever is happening to me, i can only watch it unfold with some sort of detached horror, while secretly, meanly enjoying what's happening to such a picture-perfect sort of life. it's almost as if there're two people in me: one helplessly watching as a pitch-black tidal wave of misery washes over her life and sweeps her away; the other somewhat sneering at the fate of plastic Barbie and her too-perfect world.

and after recklessly typing this avalanche of dark thoughts out into words, all i can do is sit here and scratch my upper lip, as i am increasingly aware of a rather stupid prevailng sense of nonchalance for the inevitable.