waking up i see that everything is okay.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so great.
slowing down i look around, & i'm so amazed.
i think about the little things that make life great -
i wouldn't change a thing about it,
this is the best feeling.
this innocence is brilliant,
i hope that it will stay.
this moment is perfect,
please don't go away;
i need you now.
& i'll hold on to it
; don't you let it pass you by.
i found a place so safe, not a single tear.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so clear.
feel calm, i belong,
i'm so happy here.
it's so strong, & now i let myself be sincere.
it's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming.
it's the happiness inside that you're feeling.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
please don't go away.
cos i need you now;
& i'll hold on to it,
don't you let it pass you by.
innocence/avril lavigne
(& no, i did not have sex or anything like that, though it may read like something along those lines.)
all these things that're happening, i wonder if i'm dreaming, i wonder if they're real. it's almost too good to be true, my future seems almost too rosy to take in hook, line & sinker. it's like i was existing aimlessly with lots of dreams but no way of fulfilling them for the longest time ever, & all of a sudden, my aimless existence actually has an outlet of fulfillment. i'm almost afraid to believe all these, that they're actually real & about to happen to me. i don't want to wake up & realise that hey, it was all a dream. & go back to my floaty life. on one hand, it feels too surreal to be true, but on the other, well, it still feels too surreal to be true. there's so much of life to look forward to, it's scary. what if it was all a mistake, & it turns out that there is nothing to look forward to cos i'm not good enough? i'm scared to even think of the possibility of living the life i seem on the brink of living cos of the possibility that it might just be a lie. like last february, when i was on the brink of believing something & actually living in that belief, when it turned out to be a cruel mistake. it made me so scared to hope, so scared to believe in the rosiness of the horizon - it's made me the cynic i am sometimes. i wish i could go back to living in the optimism of those times, when i was less afraid to dream & less afraid to live out my dreams. now, i only believe what i'm knocked over the head with. the warmth of his hand in mine, the sound of his voice in my ear. i don't imagine about the warmth of his hand in mine, don't imagine the sound of his voice in my ear. i only believe that they're real when i feel it, when i hear it. similarly, i don't believe that i could be this close to living the kind of life i want, until i'm actually living in it, breathing in it, doing in it.
Business Times contacted me today about an internship with them during the nov/dec break. out of the blue. i'm to go down to sph for a writing test before flying off, & if i can't take this attachment up cos of insufficient time, i'll be able to take up a full 8-week internship with sph after next semester ends. providing i pass the writing test, that is. them contacting me about an internship is almost surreal, & i can't believe i'm this close to getting an internship without even trying this time when i tried so hard last June. it's so odd, & i can't explain it. my portfolio shoot on Tuesday went well, & i had tonnes of fun in front of the camera. & my last few weeks with Clem have been really good - lots of smiles & happiness, for the first time in dunno how long. SEP application is exciting me even though i haven't gotten any place anywhere yet - but the thought of going overseas for 6 months makes me weak with excitement. it's been my dream since secondary school to study in an overseas uni, i'd have gone if i had slightly more money.
everything seems to be going so right for me now, i can't help but feel there's something wrong somewhere. yes yes, shoot the pessimist, why don't you. but what if this were all unreal? stuff in my past have affected me terribly, even though no one thinks or sees so, cos they ought not to be any reason for that affectation. i've given up trying to even imprint on anyone how much impact all that have on my life even right now, because it seems trivial, silly, even, to most people. i've accepted that i can't change what people think or say, so i have to live with it & deal with it all. sometimes i feel all those things in my past slipping away silently, & i stand where i am & wave them goodbye. i know that i feel sometimes like by allowing them to leave me, i also feel like i'm betraying those memories & emotions that were so real & sharp to me then. but sometimes when i think i've put everything behind me, something in my subconscious wells up & reminds me of old ghosts & it just pisses me off that i'm not past it.
sometimes, i wish i could erase myself out of the lives of some people. i wish i've never met some people, & i wish they've never met me. so when i lay my eyes on certain people, it'll be like seeing a perfect stranger & vice versa. then sometimes, i become even more extreme & wish that i could erase my life off the face of this earth. not kill myself, cos that wouldn't erase the memories. but completely annihilate myself & any trace of myself, even the me that lives on in memories. i have dark days when thoughts like these crowd my brain & i feel so suffocated. but there are other days when these dark thoughts are a million miles away & i'm so glad to be alive.
for now, things are as they are & i don't want to touch certain things anymore. i'm not happy with the way they are, but i've accepted & i have no energy to want to do anything to make me happy about them. that doesn't mean i like it, but of course, you won't understand. to you, there's only stark black & white, & absolutely no shades of grey. so okay. fine. but don't make me conform to the black or white because it's too dark or too bright for me.
heh this has become a stream of consciousness rant, almost. but not quite. i'm still rather conscious of the sentences that form in my brain as i type them out.
erase me from the face of this earth. like an eraser, not like correction fluid. gone, not filled over.
i don't want to sleep cos i don't want to dream of things i don't want to have to face.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
exam hibernation
we nus students are entering into exam season. slightly more than a week before the exams begin, 3 weeks till exams are over, 3 weeks till semester break comes!!
i spent 2 hours last night planning my study schedule for the next week. it's gonna be a long week! if i do manage to keep to my study schedule, i'll ace my exams man. haha. but rigorous as it is, it's also majorly insane, so.. well. heh.
ooh it's raining super heavily now. i'm trying to read secret agent again, but i'm getting so distracted. ha. and my SEP application needs to be done soon too! australia, US.. no europe, though. :( too expensive by far. the australian dollar has been rising, the US dollar has been falling, so whichever should be fine still.
i had a damn weird dream last night. i woke up mighty disturbed. oh well. i don't have as much control over my subconscious as i'd like.
time to change for school.
i spent 2 hours last night planning my study schedule for the next week. it's gonna be a long week! if i do manage to keep to my study schedule, i'll ace my exams man. haha. but rigorous as it is, it's also majorly insane, so.. well. heh.
ooh it's raining super heavily now. i'm trying to read secret agent again, but i'm getting so distracted. ha. and my SEP application needs to be done soon too! australia, US.. no europe, though. :( too expensive by far. the australian dollar has been rising, the US dollar has been falling, so whichever should be fine still.
i had a damn weird dream last night. i woke up mighty disturbed. oh well. i don't have as much control over my subconscious as i'd like.
time to change for school.
Monday, November 12, 2007
weekend escapades
it's a dreary Monday afternoon. the sky's grey, it's cloudy, it looks like it's gonna rain, & i just crawled out of bed not too long ago. these days, my body clock's totally topsy-turvy cos i've been staying up late to finish essays and whatnots. the latest essay to hit me is the project on the theories of new media. 5000word paper. thankfully, it's almost done. i'm just doing a final edit on it before uploading it tonight by 12.
i can't wait for tomorrow! then i can start planning my revision timetable and start studying. oh, and start on my SEP application too. it's due really soon.
i have a portfolio shoot tomorrow. how to lug all my outfits to school! sigh. but no complaints! i'm living the life i want nowadays. :)
& i had a fantabulous birthday this year! had several mini-celebrations with the people who matter. manymany dinners & outings. on Wed itself, i had Japanese food at the Waraku restaurant at cuppage road with the family, then went to the cathay to catch the Bee Movie. it was only a so-so show, but i had fun laughing over it with Carol. then met Tri on the 8th for dinner and to catch Stardust! it is really good. & romantic. i'd like to be a star, then i'd glow when i'm happy & you can tell how happy i am by my glow. dinner with Clem on Fri at 2amdessertsbar in holland v. the desserts there are gorgeous! i am SO going back there again to try more of them. & take more photos. i love the place. movie marathon after that - Anna & Anna first, then Lust, Caution thereafter. well, the first movie was so that i could sneak into Lust, Caution. heh. it's quite arty, but it's also a little heavy on the sex. i guess the sex scenes were to explain why Wong did what she did, but even then, the scenes didn't directly address that. it was more of a understand-by-implication kinda thing. dinner at Spageddies at Marina Square with some of the zj girls on Sat after session! had yummy pretty desserts at tcc after that & took many photos.
but the aftertaste of Sat wasn't that fantastic, i must say. got into an accident on the way home at Geylang cos Chelsa and i were lost on the road. i was on a turning-only lane but didn't realise and went straight, and the car next to me turned - so we collided. thankfully no one was hurt.. if i got Chels hurt in that accident i would have felt so guilty. after i heard that gut-wrenching metal-on-metal sound, i screamed for a good 10 seconds before gathering myself together and stopping at the side of the road, hoping the man would come back. i was panicking when i stopped, and i kept thinking of the damages i'd have to pay. all Chels and i could say for a while was "oh my God". yes i think we were traumatised. so when he came out and looked pissing mad, Chels was like okay, we're not gonna let him bully us & we'll argue if necessary. i got out of the car all gung-ho & ready to defend my case, when he pointed out that i was on a turning-only lane going straight, & therefore was in the wrong - & i had nothing left to say after a while. i mean, what can i say in defense to that? so we exchanged particulars, i started to cry, and managed to convince him not to settle the whole thing using insurance. had to head down to the mechanic in Sin Ming yesterday afternoon to get the damage appraised and settle costs. i forked out slightly less than half of the entire repair cost but i'm not complaining cos it was my fault after all. i mean, i'm complaining that i was idiotic enough to get into something like that, but i'm not complaining that my parents aren't paying the entire cost. in fact, i'd wanted to pay for the entire thing. but it's just not possible right now cos i don't have the means.
but something i learnt from the whole escapade: Hyundai cars are tough cookies! my car was only scratched! after wiping off the paint that came off his car, my car'll be almost as good as new! heh.
it's been a long weekend..! time for the sedentary life again this week. even more sedentary than usual, especially with the exams looming & me needing desperately to hole myself up to study.
i can't wait for tomorrow! then i can start planning my revision timetable and start studying. oh, and start on my SEP application too. it's due really soon.
i have a portfolio shoot tomorrow. how to lug all my outfits to school! sigh. but no complaints! i'm living the life i want nowadays. :)
& i had a fantabulous birthday this year! had several mini-celebrations with the people who matter. manymany dinners & outings. on Wed itself, i had Japanese food at the Waraku restaurant at cuppage road with the family, then went to the cathay to catch the Bee Movie. it was only a so-so show, but i had fun laughing over it with Carol. then met Tri on the 8th for dinner and to catch Stardust! it is really good. & romantic. i'd like to be a star, then i'd glow when i'm happy & you can tell how happy i am by my glow. dinner with Clem on Fri at 2amdessertsbar in holland v. the desserts there are gorgeous! i am SO going back there again to try more of them. & take more photos. i love the place. movie marathon after that - Anna & Anna first, then Lust, Caution thereafter. well, the first movie was so that i could sneak into Lust, Caution. heh. it's quite arty, but it's also a little heavy on the sex. i guess the sex scenes were to explain why Wong did what she did, but even then, the scenes didn't directly address that. it was more of a understand-by-implication kinda thing. dinner at Spageddies at Marina Square with some of the zj girls on Sat after session! had yummy pretty desserts at tcc after that & took many photos.
but the aftertaste of Sat wasn't that fantastic, i must say. got into an accident on the way home at Geylang cos Chelsa and i were lost on the road. i was on a turning-only lane but didn't realise and went straight, and the car next to me turned - so we collided. thankfully no one was hurt.. if i got Chels hurt in that accident i would have felt so guilty. after i heard that gut-wrenching metal-on-metal sound, i screamed for a good 10 seconds before gathering myself together and stopping at the side of the road, hoping the man would come back. i was panicking when i stopped, and i kept thinking of the damages i'd have to pay. all Chels and i could say for a while was "oh my God". yes i think we were traumatised. so when he came out and looked pissing mad, Chels was like okay, we're not gonna let him bully us & we'll argue if necessary. i got out of the car all gung-ho & ready to defend my case, when he pointed out that i was on a turning-only lane going straight, & therefore was in the wrong - & i had nothing left to say after a while. i mean, what can i say in defense to that? so we exchanged particulars, i started to cry, and managed to convince him not to settle the whole thing using insurance. had to head down to the mechanic in Sin Ming yesterday afternoon to get the damage appraised and settle costs. i forked out slightly less than half of the entire repair cost but i'm not complaining cos it was my fault after all. i mean, i'm complaining that i was idiotic enough to get into something like that, but i'm not complaining that my parents aren't paying the entire cost. in fact, i'd wanted to pay for the entire thing. but it's just not possible right now cos i don't have the means.
but something i learnt from the whole escapade: Hyundai cars are tough cookies! my car was only scratched! after wiping off the paint that came off his car, my car'll be almost as good as new! heh.
it's been a long weekend..! time for the sedentary life again this week. even more sedentary than usual, especially with the exams looming & me needing desperately to hole myself up to study.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
done with it.
i'm done with the dratted essay! it's like 2500 words of torture. i hope my tutor has more fun reading it than i had when i wrote it. caused me insomnia last night okay! couldn't sleep till 8am this morning cos i was so awake after my writing session last night.
it's quite an icky essay, actually. i don't really have a good feeling abt it, cos it was so tough to write coherently! i'm just hoping a miracle will save me and get me a B+ on it.
and today was an extremely infuriating day in school. i cabbed down to school after my fitful sleep last night for a 1hour project meeting. tutorial at 3 got cancelled, and I DIDN'T KNOW. lecture at 4 got cancelled too, and I ALSO DIDN'T KNOW. like what the hell. haven't lecturers been using the announcements thingy on ivle?? what happened?? i didn't go for class on Tuesday last week, being sick with cramps. just that one lousy day, cost me my time today. and i need to email my interactive media tutor abt the peer review exercise which i missed.
and my essay woes aren't over yet. one more due next Tuesday. AT LEAST that one's somewhere near done cos it's a group project. i'm gonna do an edit soon, when i'm rested from the trauma of this last essay.
i can't wait for exams to come. i can't believe i'm actually wishing for something like that, but yeah. this term's too draggy.
it's quite an icky essay, actually. i don't really have a good feeling abt it, cos it was so tough to write coherently! i'm just hoping a miracle will save me and get me a B+ on it.
and today was an extremely infuriating day in school. i cabbed down to school after my fitful sleep last night for a 1hour project meeting. tutorial at 3 got cancelled, and I DIDN'T KNOW. lecture at 4 got cancelled too, and I ALSO DIDN'T KNOW. like what the hell. haven't lecturers been using the announcements thingy on ivle?? what happened?? i didn't go for class on Tuesday last week, being sick with cramps. just that one lousy day, cost me my time today. and i need to email my interactive media tutor abt the peer review exercise which i missed.
and my essay woes aren't over yet. one more due next Tuesday. AT LEAST that one's somewhere near done cos it's a group project. i'm gonna do an edit soon, when i'm rested from the trauma of this last essay.
i can't wait for exams to come. i can't believe i'm actually wishing for something like that, but yeah. this term's too draggy.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
online window shopping
i am currently multi-tasking.
doing that STUPID Lily Chou-Chou essay, and online window shopping! i must say that the proportion of time i do stupid, inane things on my computer always somehow shoots up whenever i have essays to write or tests to study for.
i spent a grand total of 2 hours online window shopping, and i've concluded that American shops are more worth shopping at than UK shops. cos of the exchange rate - the pound is horribly inflated, somehow.
http://charlotte-russe.com & http://papayaclothing.com - 2 of the labels Koko Maggie brought back from her last US trip. they have pretty things at cheap prices cos it's gonna be winter there and they're clearing out their summer collection! i'm so tempted to order and get one of the American cousins to hold on to my stash until she comes back to Singapore for a holiday or for Christmas.
http://aeropostale.com is good too!
ahh, i really want to get a credit card. but i think i'm lucky i don't cos if i did, i'd be spending TOO MUCH on clothes and online shopping.
people like me can only afford budget shopping. which requires lots of time, which i don't have right now.
i am determined to shop after the exams.
doing that STUPID Lily Chou-Chou essay, and online window shopping! i must say that the proportion of time i do stupid, inane things on my computer always somehow shoots up whenever i have essays to write or tests to study for.
i spent a grand total of 2 hours online window shopping, and i've concluded that American shops are more worth shopping at than UK shops. cos of the exchange rate - the pound is horribly inflated, somehow.
http://charlotte-russe.com & http://papayaclothing.com - 2 of the labels Koko Maggie brought back from her last US trip. they have pretty things at cheap prices cos it's gonna be winter there and they're clearing out their summer collection! i'm so tempted to order and get one of the American cousins to hold on to my stash until she comes back to Singapore for a holiday or for Christmas.
http://aeropostale.com is good too!
ahh, i really want to get a credit card. but i think i'm lucky i don't cos if i did, i'd be spending TOO MUCH on clothes and online shopping.
people like me can only afford budget shopping. which requires lots of time, which i don't have right now.
i am determined to shop after the exams.
Monday, November 05, 2007
All About Lily Chou-Chou.
it is a horrific film to do an essay on, a 2500 word essay, no less. my creative and writing abilities have all but ebbed away from me for this particular essay, and it's extremely painful to write. it's moving along slowly and sluggishly. it's been long since i've had this much trouble with an essay! ahh. well. perhaps i'm not cut out for film studies.
i'm writing a word a minute, and it's excrutiating.
i'm writing a word a minute, and it's excrutiating.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
late, but not tired.
as the title above suggests and overtly proclaims - it is late but i'm not tired. second night in a row this is happening to me. both nights, i stayed up to type out my section for the new media project due on the 13th. at least tonight i can go to bed without worrying about what to write in the unfinished half of my section, unlike last night.
but i haven't even begun on my 2500 words All About Lily Chou-Chou essay for japanese film. it's due on Wednesday! and i haven't even re-watched the film. i think i shall do that tomorrow when i get up, then begin writing the rest of tomorrow and through Monday. Tuesday, i still have to go to school cos it's the last interactive media tutorial (i think), and i wanna go for it. Wednesday, i have to be in school by 12pm for make-up lit tutorial so i can't sleep too late on Tuesday night. which means i have to more-or-less finish my essay by Monday night and just leave editing to do on Tuesday night after i come back from school at night.
THEN, after the Wednesday deadline, i need to start work on the final draft of the new media theories project i've been doing the last 2 nights. i volunteered to do the final edit cos well, i'm a perfectionist and i want to make sure i have a final say this time round. the last mid-term paper, we only got a B, and i was pretty darn upset abt it. i want to secure an A this time round, so i will put in the effort and do an edit before we hand it up.
i think this post is resembling the rambling of a workaholic insomniac. i can't believe i'm detailing my essaying plans in such detail here. it's not called hell month for nothing. people have their hell-weeks, i have my hell month.
not quite as bad nor intense as a hell-week, but still trying nonetheless. it's more like a marathon than a sprint, which hell-weeks are.
sigh. and i can't start studying till the 13th of november. it leaves me with less than 15 days to study for my exams by then. hopefully i'll manage to get some studying done during the editing period. it'll be quite sad if i ace my essays but screw up all my final exams cos i didn't budget enough time to study for them.
and this is really odd, but my left hand is getting numb from all the typing. it's like, i suddenly lost all the feeling in my left fingers. heh. this is one sure sign that i've been spending too much time typing. my fingers hover over the keyboard in a fixed position for such a long time that blood circulation is affected. okay, so i'm a bona fide nerd now.
but i haven't even begun on my 2500 words All About Lily Chou-Chou essay for japanese film. it's due on Wednesday! and i haven't even re-watched the film. i think i shall do that tomorrow when i get up, then begin writing the rest of tomorrow and through Monday. Tuesday, i still have to go to school cos it's the last interactive media tutorial (i think), and i wanna go for it. Wednesday, i have to be in school by 12pm for make-up lit tutorial so i can't sleep too late on Tuesday night. which means i have to more-or-less finish my essay by Monday night and just leave editing to do on Tuesday night after i come back from school at night.
THEN, after the Wednesday deadline, i need to start work on the final draft of the new media theories project i've been doing the last 2 nights. i volunteered to do the final edit cos well, i'm a perfectionist and i want to make sure i have a final say this time round. the last mid-term paper, we only got a B, and i was pretty darn upset abt it. i want to secure an A this time round, so i will put in the effort and do an edit before we hand it up.
i think this post is resembling the rambling of a workaholic insomniac. i can't believe i'm detailing my essaying plans in such detail here. it's not called hell month for nothing. people have their hell-weeks, i have my hell month.
not quite as bad nor intense as a hell-week, but still trying nonetheless. it's more like a marathon than a sprint, which hell-weeks are.
sigh. and i can't start studying till the 13th of november. it leaves me with less than 15 days to study for my exams by then. hopefully i'll manage to get some studying done during the editing period. it'll be quite sad if i ace my essays but screw up all my final exams cos i didn't budget enough time to study for them.
and this is really odd, but my left hand is getting numb from all the typing. it's like, i suddenly lost all the feeling in my left fingers. heh. this is one sure sign that i've been spending too much time typing. my fingers hover over the keyboard in a fixed position for such a long time that blood circulation is affected. okay, so i'm a bona fide nerd now.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
coffee, cookies & cheese :)
had tea at the tcc at ps with Clem today! was my first time at tcc, can you believe it. heh. i usually go to starbucks or coffee bean. BUT! i am a converted tcc-fan. the menu there is tonnes better than starbucks or coffee bean! more selection! a trifle pricey, though. but ooh good food! i wanna go back there to try everything on the menu again. had an iced honey latte (have you ever heard of that mixture!) and snapped some photos. :)
i'm going back there after the exams. to eat and drink everything on the menu haha.
origami trampled into the ground.
Friday, November 02, 2007
nothing to cry over, really.
okay so i shouldn't be such a baby over this, but i am sad. my dad's not free for my birthday dinner on the 7th anymore cos he has to work at night. after weeks of planning where to eat and all.. sigh. i was trying not to show my disappointment cos i mean, work is work, and it's not as if my dad has a choice abt it. so.. yeah. but i can't help feeling upset, nonetheless, even though my brain tells me it's absolutely illogical to.
i just came back from a run. 5km, and i'm damn slow. whatever lah, though. i'm not training for a marathon anyway. i was perfectly happy when i came back - until my dad told me abt the 7th and then got me to shut up cos commercial was ending and Ghost Whisperer was starting again on tv. and Carol isn't free over the weekend either, proclaiming "no, no cannot, i have exams to study for, remember??"
so i guess that means i'll find something to occupy myself with on the 7th then. i'm already meeting Clem on the 8th cos my parents wanted to have dinner on the birthday day itself. so it's kinda last minute to change my plans. and it's not very nice to expect him to be free anymore anyway.
i have an essay due then, anyway, so it isn't as if there was very much to look forward to in the first place anyway.
as you can see, i'm trying hard not to sound too disappointed or upset abt it. it's just a lousy birthday dinner, anyway. and it's not as if it's my 21st or some impt landmark. but i thought that maybe i could have a super good birthday dinner this year cos i won't be around to celebrate my 21st next year, since i'll be in Australia or something.
nothing to cry over. you're a big girl now, and it's just a birthday dinner. i shouldn't blame my dad for having to work on that day, and my sister for having exams either. yes. i shall shower and start on my essays. lots to do.
i just came back from a run. 5km, and i'm damn slow. whatever lah, though. i'm not training for a marathon anyway. i was perfectly happy when i came back - until my dad told me abt the 7th and then got me to shut up cos commercial was ending and Ghost Whisperer was starting again on tv. and Carol isn't free over the weekend either, proclaiming "no, no cannot, i have exams to study for, remember??"
so i guess that means i'll find something to occupy myself with on the 7th then. i'm already meeting Clem on the 8th cos my parents wanted to have dinner on the birthday day itself. so it's kinda last minute to change my plans. and it's not very nice to expect him to be free anymore anyway.
i have an essay due then, anyway, so it isn't as if there was very much to look forward to in the first place anyway.
as you can see, i'm trying hard not to sound too disappointed or upset abt it. it's just a lousy birthday dinner, anyway. and it's not as if it's my 21st or some impt landmark. but i thought that maybe i could have a super good birthday dinner this year cos i won't be around to celebrate my 21st next year, since i'll be in Australia or something.
nothing to cry over. you're a big girl now, and it's just a birthday dinner. i shouldn't blame my dad for having to work on that day, and my sister for having exams either. yes. i shall shower and start on my essays. lots to do.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
louder louder, the voices in my head.
i am in the midst of rewriting my Hedda Gabler essay now. just cooked maggi for myself cos my gastric was acting up. haven't eaten anything the whole day save for a little rice for dinner. CRAMPS. yucks. my period's early this month, though.
period updates aside..
was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.
it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.
here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.
that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.
every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.
but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.
tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".
sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.
it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.
louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.
you were smiling.
kelly clarkson/haunted.
period updates aside..
was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.
it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.
here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.
that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.
every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.
but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.
tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".
sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.
it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.
louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.
you were smiling.
kelly clarkson/haunted.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the most disgusting opinion piece
i've just read the most disgusting opinion piece i've seen in a long time in the Newpaper.
"Stay out of my Facebook, dad." by Liew Hanqing. it's in the bitchaboutcorner section - very aptly named i must say but this has been one of the nastiest pieces i've seen in a long time.
since it's such a nasty piece of work, i have no qualms abt putting the author's name in digital print either. i was contemplating emailing her abt her horrid piece but decided against it. free speech, after all. AND, it's an opinion piece. AND the section's named bitchaboutcorner already, so i've been duly warned.
BUT. i want to bitch about it myself here cos it struck me as so yucks. this woman proudly stated that she threw a hissy fit to get her father off Facebook cos "Facebook belongs to my generation - not my parents'."
"I wouldn't want to log into my Facebook account, only to find my Dad has written on my wall... It would just be too embarrassing."
how utterly childish. it stunned me, frankly speaking. what's so embarrassing abt having your dad write on your wall? if my dad wanted to get in touch with my generation and decided to set up a facebook account, and if he decided to write on my wall, i'd think it's the sweetest thing ever. the whole "i don't wanna do things my parents do cos it ain't cool" idea she was writing about is so ludicrous, and just plain juvenile. if you're worried about how "cool" you are solely based on the differentiation between your generation and your parents', then you have my condolences. it'd just appear that you never grew up and out of the "too-cool-for-thou" stage.
while reading the article and eating my noodles, i couldn't keep down my feeling of gross indignance and disgust.
"We don't want to be Facebook friends with senior citizens." - supposedly the name of a facebook group according to our bitchaboutcorner author.
i think these people don't realise that they'll be 'senior citizens' one day themselves, sooner rather than later, and their oh-so-sweet children will come up with "cool" groups that have names that reek of senior citizen discrimination. if this author thinks that her point of view has been validated by the existence of such childishly named groups on facebook, i'd think she is very sorely mistaken because the existence of such groups do not prove anything except that some people on facebook are just gerascophobic, narrow-minded, and still think that they'll remain young forever.
i recognise this author's right to free speech, and hence the right to express her opinions - no matter how much of an ill-taste they leave in my mouth.
but at the same time, i can't help but wish the Newpaper didn't print something like that. it just reinforced my opinion that the Newpaper prints nothing but trash and is good for nothing except the extensive sports pages.
and darling author, facebook isn't of your generation. you belong to the generation of friendster. the facebook generation are the secondary school children who'll have grown up using facebook and facebook only.
a lot of growing up and feeling comfortable in your own skin is needed, it would seem. Singapore is getting full of adults who haven't really grown up but are still feeding on childish notions of "cool" and "uncool".
"Stay out of my Facebook, dad." by Liew Hanqing. it's in the bitchaboutcorner section - very aptly named i must say but this has been one of the nastiest pieces i've seen in a long time.
since it's such a nasty piece of work, i have no qualms abt putting the author's name in digital print either. i was contemplating emailing her abt her horrid piece but decided against it. free speech, after all. AND, it's an opinion piece. AND the section's named bitchaboutcorner already, so i've been duly warned.
BUT. i want to bitch about it myself here cos it struck me as so yucks. this woman proudly stated that she threw a hissy fit to get her father off Facebook cos "Facebook belongs to my generation - not my parents'."
"I wouldn't want to log into my Facebook account, only to find my Dad has written on my wall... It would just be too embarrassing."
how utterly childish. it stunned me, frankly speaking. what's so embarrassing abt having your dad write on your wall? if my dad wanted to get in touch with my generation and decided to set up a facebook account, and if he decided to write on my wall, i'd think it's the sweetest thing ever. the whole "i don't wanna do things my parents do cos it ain't cool" idea she was writing about is so ludicrous, and just plain juvenile. if you're worried about how "cool" you are solely based on the differentiation between your generation and your parents', then you have my condolences. it'd just appear that you never grew up and out of the "too-cool-for-thou" stage.
while reading the article and eating my noodles, i couldn't keep down my feeling of gross indignance and disgust.
"We don't want to be Facebook friends with senior citizens." - supposedly the name of a facebook group according to our bitchaboutcorner author.
i think these people don't realise that they'll be 'senior citizens' one day themselves, sooner rather than later, and their oh-so-sweet children will come up with "cool" groups that have names that reek of senior citizen discrimination. if this author thinks that her point of view has been validated by the existence of such childishly named groups on facebook, i'd think she is very sorely mistaken because the existence of such groups do not prove anything except that some people on facebook are just gerascophobic, narrow-minded, and still think that they'll remain young forever.
i recognise this author's right to free speech, and hence the right to express her opinions - no matter how much of an ill-taste they leave in my mouth.
but at the same time, i can't help but wish the Newpaper didn't print something like that. it just reinforced my opinion that the Newpaper prints nothing but trash and is good for nothing except the extensive sports pages.
and darling author, facebook isn't of your generation. you belong to the generation of friendster. the facebook generation are the secondary school children who'll have grown up using facebook and facebook only.
a lot of growing up and feeling comfortable in your own skin is needed, it would seem. Singapore is getting full of adults who haven't really grown up but are still feeding on childish notions of "cool" and "uncool".
deluge of essays
i am in a veritable state of panic over my lit essay right now. it's in disgusting shape and doesn't seem to have much hope of shaping up within the next 4 days.
and the japanese studies term paper..
omg kill me please. all these essays are driving me absolutely insane.
and the japanese studies term paper..
omg kill me please. all these essays are driving me absolutely insane.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
another bout of indecisiveness
just came back not too long ago from Lynette's grandma's wake. i know she probably isn't alright right now (the loss of a loved one is hard to bear, especially as one grows older), but i hope she'll be alright in time.. i think as a child, the concept of grief isn't as clear and easy to grasp as compared to when you are an adolescent or an adult. feelings of loss, of pain, of grief, become more pronounced with age as we're able to articulate them and name them, understand the reasons behind them and feel outrage at the existence of such misery in the world to begin with.
as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.
i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.
before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.
then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)
checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.
i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.
so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?
but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.
ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.
and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.
i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.
my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.
this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.
i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?
okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).
que sera, sera.
i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.
okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.
as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.
i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.
before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.
then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)
checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.
i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.
so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?
but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.
ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.
and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.
i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.
my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.
this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.
i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?
okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).
que sera, sera.
i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.
okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
hedda gabler
i'm doing some research for my lit essay on Hedda Gabler which is due next Thurs. no, scratch that. i'm actually reading some of my research for the essay! which is extremely rare, cos i tend to just print a lot of nonsense out to comfort myself that i've actually done something, when i haven't really done anything but use paper and give environmentalists even more reasons to hate me than they already do. (excessive use of aircon, blatant paper lover, long hot showers, manymany lights turned on in my room at one go, eating of meat - you get the picture..)
before i begun reading, i was thinking like, how to link violence, beauty and art - 3 very abstract concepts by themselves - in one woman, Hedda Gabler? sure, i had some vague idea of how each of these concepts manifest themselves in Hedda, courtesy of the many lit lectures and tutorials i've sat through. but to squeeze them all into a 1500word essay required some common point to develop all my ideas from. i'm thinking of using Hedda's notion of Dionysian ideals to bring across all these concepts - which emcompasses her obsession with vineleaves in Lovborg's hair, her behaviour towards Thea, and the final, cumulative act of her suicide - the beautiful death, or so she sees it. the entire play in itself is a portrait of Hedda the character, a work of art in the detailed sketch of Hedda presented.
ahh, something along these lines. so messy! and i hope no one decides to kop my idea for the essay from here, though i doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore! heh. but if passers-by who're doing the same lit mod do chance upon this blog and decide that they're rather good ideas (highly unlikely, i'd think), i think it'd be my own bloody fault in the first place right. ha.
okay, anyway. i'm thirsty. i just went downstairs for a supper of muffins and milk. i think the effects of the milk is wearing off cos i'm starting to feel thirsty! my mom's been telling me not to consume too much dairy products lately cos apparently, there's a link between consumption of dairy products and breast cancer. well, knowing my love for almost all things dairy
- i love cheese in copious amounts, i always ask for extra milk in my milkshakes, i eat macaroni and cheese with slabs of butter boiled in, my porridge always has chunks of butter melting inside, i love yoghurt, yakult, and milo-with-fresh-milk, i like my chocolates milky, and the list goes on -
it's gonna be tough to listen to her and take her advice.
on a totally random note, my pyjama pants are slipping off my ass. i suspect there's no more rubber in them. time to get new pyjama bottoms, it seems!
and i really wanna re-do my blogskin. i know what kinda layout i already want, but i have no time to sit and do it. i still have my Ridge article due (i suspect it's kinda overdue already actually), and a sort-of-presentation of my japanese studies term paper on the portrayal of ijime and its effects in the film All About Lily Chou-Chou. dunno why i chose it also, now come to think about it. i'm not even that interested in bullying in Japan, i should've chosen a film about fashion there or something.
anyway. i shall look for photos for my next layout, and read another article of Hedda Gabler before going to bed. lots and lots to do each day these days!
before i begun reading, i was thinking like, how to link violence, beauty and art - 3 very abstract concepts by themselves - in one woman, Hedda Gabler? sure, i had some vague idea of how each of these concepts manifest themselves in Hedda, courtesy of the many lit lectures and tutorials i've sat through. but to squeeze them all into a 1500word essay required some common point to develop all my ideas from. i'm thinking of using Hedda's notion of Dionysian ideals to bring across all these concepts - which emcompasses her obsession with vineleaves in Lovborg's hair, her behaviour towards Thea, and the final, cumulative act of her suicide - the beautiful death, or so she sees it. the entire play in itself is a portrait of Hedda the character, a work of art in the detailed sketch of Hedda presented.
ahh, something along these lines. so messy! and i hope no one decides to kop my idea for the essay from here, though i doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore! heh. but if passers-by who're doing the same lit mod do chance upon this blog and decide that they're rather good ideas (highly unlikely, i'd think), i think it'd be my own bloody fault in the first place right. ha.
okay, anyway. i'm thirsty. i just went downstairs for a supper of muffins and milk. i think the effects of the milk is wearing off cos i'm starting to feel thirsty! my mom's been telling me not to consume too much dairy products lately cos apparently, there's a link between consumption of dairy products and breast cancer. well, knowing my love for almost all things dairy
- i love cheese in copious amounts, i always ask for extra milk in my milkshakes, i eat macaroni and cheese with slabs of butter boiled in, my porridge always has chunks of butter melting inside, i love yoghurt, yakult, and milo-with-fresh-milk, i like my chocolates milky, and the list goes on -
it's gonna be tough to listen to her and take her advice.
on a totally random note, my pyjama pants are slipping off my ass. i suspect there's no more rubber in them. time to get new pyjama bottoms, it seems!
and i really wanna re-do my blogskin. i know what kinda layout i already want, but i have no time to sit and do it. i still have my Ridge article due (i suspect it's kinda overdue already actually), and a sort-of-presentation of my japanese studies term paper on the portrayal of ijime and its effects in the film All About Lily Chou-Chou. dunno why i chose it also, now come to think about it. i'm not even that interested in bullying in Japan, i should've chosen a film about fashion there or something.
anyway. i shall look for photos for my next layout, and read another article of Hedda Gabler before going to bed. lots and lots to do each day these days!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
financial times, anyone?
i've been hearing a lot abt articles from Financial Times in my soci lectures ever since day one. and i've been wondering where i can get these for free (cos i don't wanna take out a subscription, since i'll only be needing to read them for the exams.)
i know biz has copies available for free, but at extremely early hours of the day only.
does anyone know where else i can get the FT? =D
and ohmigosh why in the world does mediacorp need soci majors to fill their internship positions??? the positions sound so good! and being a communications and new media major, i'm not allowed to take it up?? wthhhhh. the cnm internship available sounds so blah compared to the ones offered to the soci majors.
i am jealous!!!
i know biz has copies available for free, but at extremely early hours of the day only.
does anyone know where else i can get the FT? =D
and ohmigosh why in the world does mediacorp need soci majors to fill their internship positions??? the positions sound so good! and being a communications and new media major, i'm not allowed to take it up?? wthhhhh. the cnm internship available sounds so blah compared to the ones offered to the soci majors.
i am jealous!!!
a spot of indecisiveness.
i can't decide which of these 3 pretty pairs of birks to get!
my safe side says get the black one cos it's the most matchable. but i love the raspberry in patent and the cherry red ones too, so.. i dunno!
or maybe.. i shouldn't even get any! sighhhh i can't decide.
not like blogging abt it has helped me make up my mind like that. hmph.
Monday, October 22, 2007
kimi raikkonen
how do i love thee, let me count the ways!
1) i had the luxury of catching an extended nap the entire afternoon! from 11am to 1230pm, then 2pm to 6pm. i felt like a cat! lazy and totally careless about work.
BONUS: i managed to do 3 of my gazillion readings in the time i was actually awake! i was SO proud of myself, seriously. amazed at my ability to do work even with all the time put into sleep.
2) scrumptious crab dinner at Serangoon! since daddy's birthday is tomorrow - oh, today, rather! - we had a lovely super huge feast of crabs! crab soup beehoon and butter crabs - it made me a really happy girl. forget the chocolate to put me in a good mood, crabs work with this girl, i tell you. :)
3)
this gorgeous specimen of a man!
Kimi Raikkonen is the winner of the world championship this year, and it's been OVERDUE I TELL YOU! ever since i saw his hotness and oh-so-wonderful visage almost 5 years ago now, i decided that he would be the driver i supported and i'm so glad he's won! :)))
the Sao Paolo race was uber good, extremely exciting, and it could have been any one of the 3 who won - Kimi, Lewis Hamilton, or Fernando Alonso - but Kimi came out tops, Alonso 3rd, and Hamilton 7th, and KIMI WON THE OVERALL CHAMPIONSHIP!
which means his pretty mug will be splashed on the sports pages of the papers tmr, AND on sports sites! prettiness should not be hidden.
i had a thing for blond, blue-eyed men.
OR, dark haired, beautiful men.
Alan Smith and Kimi Raikkonen fall into the former group, Johnny Depp, Josh Hartnett and well, Johnny Depp fall into the latter group. oh, and Jon Jonsson who won Manhunt a couple of years ago, the male version of antm.
then came the Japanese/Korean craze, and some singer from this Japanese boyband Tokio became my pin-up, alongside Lee Byung-Hun then subsequently Kwon Sang-Woo.
okay so this is totally off-tangent and i had no intention of detailing my taste in men here. but as it is, talking abt Kimi Raikkonen led to that, so.. heh.
i should've been born overseas man. there's no way i'll ever meet people who look like that in Singapore. alright well done Kelly, you've managed to make yourself out to sound like some superficial little airhead.
tomorrow, you shall all forget that i ever blogged abt this! heh.
right i shall attempt to do one last reading before going to sleep. the effects of the prolonged nap this afternoon are still lingering, anyway.
KIMI! =D i wish i were Finnish!
reading newspapers on the sidewalk
driving your car,
strumming your guitar.
1) i had the luxury of catching an extended nap the entire afternoon! from 11am to 1230pm, then 2pm to 6pm. i felt like a cat! lazy and totally careless about work.
BONUS: i managed to do 3 of my gazillion readings in the time i was actually awake! i was SO proud of myself, seriously. amazed at my ability to do work even with all the time put into sleep.
2) scrumptious crab dinner at Serangoon! since daddy's birthday is tomorrow - oh, today, rather! - we had a lovely super huge feast of crabs! crab soup beehoon and butter crabs - it made me a really happy girl. forget the chocolate to put me in a good mood, crabs work with this girl, i tell you. :)
3)
this gorgeous specimen of a man!
Kimi Raikkonen is the winner of the world championship this year, and it's been OVERDUE I TELL YOU! ever since i saw his hotness and oh-so-wonderful visage almost 5 years ago now, i decided that he would be the driver i supported and i'm so glad he's won! :)))
the Sao Paolo race was uber good, extremely exciting, and it could have been any one of the 3 who won - Kimi, Lewis Hamilton, or Fernando Alonso - but Kimi came out tops, Alonso 3rd, and Hamilton 7th, and KIMI WON THE OVERALL CHAMPIONSHIP!
which means his pretty mug will be splashed on the sports pages of the papers tmr, AND on sports sites! prettiness should not be hidden.
i had a thing for blond, blue-eyed men.
OR, dark haired, beautiful men.
Alan Smith and Kimi Raikkonen fall into the former group, Johnny Depp, Josh Hartnett and well, Johnny Depp fall into the latter group. oh, and Jon Jonsson who won Manhunt a couple of years ago, the male version of antm.
then came the Japanese/Korean craze, and some singer from this Japanese boyband Tokio became my pin-up, alongside Lee Byung-Hun then subsequently Kwon Sang-Woo.
okay so this is totally off-tangent and i had no intention of detailing my taste in men here. but as it is, talking abt Kimi Raikkonen led to that, so.. heh.
i should've been born overseas man. there's no way i'll ever meet people who look like that in Singapore. alright well done Kelly, you've managed to make yourself out to sound like some superficial little airhead.
tomorrow, you shall all forget that i ever blogged abt this! heh.
right i shall attempt to do one last reading before going to sleep. the effects of the prolonged nap this afternoon are still lingering, anyway.
KIMI! =D i wish i were Finnish!
reading newspapers on the sidewalk
driving your car,
strumming your guitar.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
dinner blues
okay i hate it when i rush back for something - for nothing. it makes me feel like i've been taken for a ride, which i cannot stand. my family tends to do this A LOT, which grates on my nerves increasingly as i grow older and more impatient, and time seems to become money.
rushed back from zj just now cos my dad said we were gonna have a good dinner before tuition, since session ended early. when i got home, mom and Carol were sleeping, so no one wanted to go anywhere and i was like OKAY.
so here i am sitting in front of my laptop waiting for dad to buy dinner home (yawn, boring), before heading for tuition. okay so maybe i shouldn't be so whiney abt things like that. live and let live, eh. baaaahhh.
alright i shall try to read another article for js before going for tuition. oh crap i just remembered that i haven't marked Shermaine's compre yet! i am so scatter-brained these days.
rushed back from zj just now cos my dad said we were gonna have a good dinner before tuition, since session ended early. when i got home, mom and Carol were sleeping, so no one wanted to go anywhere and i was like OKAY.
so here i am sitting in front of my laptop waiting for dad to buy dinner home (yawn, boring), before heading for tuition. okay so maybe i shouldn't be so whiney abt things like that. live and let live, eh. baaaahhh.
alright i shall try to read another article for js before going for tuition. oh crap i just remembered that i haven't marked Shermaine's compre yet! i am so scatter-brained these days.
Jules' birthday dinner!
came back a while ago from Jules' birthday dinner cum drinking session! had the loveliest piece of steak for a long while at this place in United Square called Bungalows or something, then headed over to Grapevine for a couple of drinks. non-alcoholic for me, thanks, since i was gonna have to drive myself home.
had a good chit-chat with the girls around tonight! Chels, Olivia, and Jules, of course! many things we talked about, some of which got me thinking a little deeper for a while.
but i've abandoned those thoughts for now cos i'm frantically trying to get some reading done tonight before flopping into bed. i'm lagging so terribly, and i've had no motivation to do any work at all this entire week - hence the bad lag. :( my own fault, really. bah.
i'm multi-tasking, though! while doing some reading, i also put on a pore pack on my nose. for two reasons! to get rid of those rather annoying blackheads that have invaded my beautiful face, AND get a thrill of satisfaction rush through me when i see the deep-rooted irritating little blackheads uprooted from my nose pores. haha. but really, i feel so happy when i see the blackheads on my porepack. i feel cleaner and well, cleaner.
it seems like this whole topic of lying, hypocrisy, and goodness has come up again during one of the conversations tonight! i remember being prompted to think more abt it after a stimulating lit tutorial a couple of weeks ago, when the titular character of Sula was decried by one of the students in class as 'evil' because she was brutally honest. so a debate ensued abt whether it's 'bad' to be completely, cuttingly honest when you know it's gonna hurt the other person when you are honest, and 'good' to be somewhat not-so-honest when you want to protect the person from the truth cos it'll hurt.
i dunno, i'm still thinking abt it. have been thinking abt it, among many things lately.
i'm still satisfiedly full from the steak dinner! :) i can go to bed satisfyingly full and unhungry tonight for the first time in many nights. my stomach juices seem a lot more active at night. must be cos of my owlish habits.
had a good chit-chat with the girls around tonight! Chels, Olivia, and Jules, of course! many things we talked about, some of which got me thinking a little deeper for a while.
but i've abandoned those thoughts for now cos i'm frantically trying to get some reading done tonight before flopping into bed. i'm lagging so terribly, and i've had no motivation to do any work at all this entire week - hence the bad lag. :( my own fault, really. bah.
i'm multi-tasking, though! while doing some reading, i also put on a pore pack on my nose. for two reasons! to get rid of those rather annoying blackheads that have invaded my beautiful face, AND get a thrill of satisfaction rush through me when i see the deep-rooted irritating little blackheads uprooted from my nose pores. haha. but really, i feel so happy when i see the blackheads on my porepack. i feel cleaner and well, cleaner.
it seems like this whole topic of lying, hypocrisy, and goodness has come up again during one of the conversations tonight! i remember being prompted to think more abt it after a stimulating lit tutorial a couple of weeks ago, when the titular character of Sula was decried by one of the students in class as 'evil' because she was brutally honest. so a debate ensued abt whether it's 'bad' to be completely, cuttingly honest when you know it's gonna hurt the other person when you are honest, and 'good' to be somewhat not-so-honest when you want to protect the person from the truth cos it'll hurt.
i dunno, i'm still thinking abt it. have been thinking abt it, among many things lately.
i'm still satisfiedly full from the steak dinner! :) i can go to bed satisfyingly full and unhungry tonight for the first time in many nights. my stomach juices seem a lot more active at night. must be cos of my owlish habits.
Friday, October 19, 2007
blogger is irritating
omg blogger is bloody annoying. there i was happily typing away when my finger waved over the mouse pad on my laptop and i got directed to the page before this, and my post got wiped out! not once, TWICE OKAY! this is the THIRD time i'm typing and i've lost the desire to blog about whatever i was blogging out before already. stupid programming of blogger. seriously. so much for "Now Blogger saves your drafts automatically!" bullshit.
okay i'm going to sleep since my blogging-drive has dipped after the stupid thing wiped out my posts just like that.
okay i'm going to sleep since my blogging-drive has dipped after the stupid thing wiped out my posts just like that.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Of the Sweetly Familiar, Of the Red-on-White.
It's like the scent of:
Freshly cut grass floating through my window.
Sweet-smelling jasmine blooms in the night air.
Vaseline in the summer time.
Baby powder on my skin.
Hot lunch cooking in the pot.
Nail polish remover.
Freshly laundered bedsheets.
Cloying magnolias in the park.
Palmolive lavender shower foam.
Lotus petal body cream.
New leather.
Issey Miyake on skin.
Wafting through the air,
unmistakeable.
Imprinted too deeply,
unforgettable.
Sweetly familiar,
instantly recognisable.
It's like the sight of:
The delicate wing of an iridiscent butterfly, torn.
A bright yellow dahlia bloom, trampled on the sidewalk.
Beautifully painted and glossy nails, chipped.
Strawberry-topped ice-cream, melting in the grass.
A pretty, sparkly crystal glass, cracked in the centre.
A rainbow in monochrome.
A fabulous Gucci bag with a coffee stain.
A dying electric blue dragonfly in the lamp.
A white moth, burnt to crisp by the allure of a candle flame.
Blood shed by a hunted baby elephant seal on its snow white fur.
Ribbons of viciously shredded muslin dancing in the wind.
Angry scars on an innocent, beautiful child.
Red welts on white, alabaster skin.
A factory in the green countryside.
Lurking in the threshold of memory,
crossing the line to reality.
Distorting black into grey,
and black is no more, - but white.
It's like the scent of:
Freshly cut grass floating through my window.
Sweet-smelling jasmine blooms in the night air.
Vaseline in the summer time.
Baby powder on my skin.
Hot lunch cooking in the pot.
Nail polish remover.
Freshly laundered bedsheets.
Cloying magnolias in the park.
Palmolive lavender shower foam.
Lotus petal body cream.
New leather.
Issey Miyake on skin.
Wafting through the air,
unmistakeable.
Imprinted too deeply,
unforgettable.
Sweetly familiar,
instantly recognisable.
It's like the sight of:
The delicate wing of an iridiscent butterfly, torn.
A bright yellow dahlia bloom, trampled on the sidewalk.
Beautifully painted and glossy nails, chipped.
Strawberry-topped ice-cream, melting in the grass.
A pretty, sparkly crystal glass, cracked in the centre.
A rainbow in monochrome.
A fabulous Gucci bag with a coffee stain.
A dying electric blue dragonfly in the lamp.
A white moth, burnt to crisp by the allure of a candle flame.
Blood shed by a hunted baby elephant seal on its snow white fur.
Ribbons of viciously shredded muslin dancing in the wind.
Angry scars on an innocent, beautiful child.
Red welts on white, alabaster skin.
A factory in the green countryside.
Lurking in the threshold of memory,
crossing the line to reality.
Distorting black into grey,
and black is no more, - but white.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Hitler: "we want to be a peaceable people."
- in one of his speeches filmed by Leni Riefensthal, the controversial German film director who made Triumph of the Will, the film most widely said to be the best propaganda film to this date.
she is really so funny, she's extremely diva-ish and argumentative. she argues with everyone - the director, the interviewer, the cameraman, everyone!
and Hitler's nose is HUGE! i couldn't help noticing it in the film.
today's soci lecture is damn slack. just this film entitled The Wonderful Horrible Life of Leni Riefensthal. i like lectures like that. =D
- in one of his speeches filmed by Leni Riefensthal, the controversial German film director who made Triumph of the Will, the film most widely said to be the best propaganda film to this date.
she is really so funny, she's extremely diva-ish and argumentative. she argues with everyone - the director, the interviewer, the cameraman, everyone!
and Hitler's nose is HUGE! i couldn't help noticing it in the film.
today's soci lecture is damn slack. just this film entitled The Wonderful Horrible Life of Leni Riefensthal. i like lectures like that. =D
Monday, October 15, 2007
random bit of information for the day: the cow who donated her antibodies to create the smallpox vaccine - her name was Blossom.
just heard from Trina that this is what she learnt in lecture today! heh. besides the cow's name, they also learnt who the milkmaid who milked Blossom was (Sarah), and the name of the boy who got injected with the vaccine (i've forgotten).
nm quiz tomorrow morning! was talking to Trina just now for an hour and forgot the time as we were yakking away! sigh. better finish soon cos i have to wake up early tomorrow morning. :( i hate Tuesday morning classes. they're nonsense. the only reason why i'm waking up for class tomorrow morning is cos it's a QUIZ.
and i never thought i'd hear myself say this, but i HATE drivers who drive at 80km/h on the first lane and not bother. i mean, coming from me - the tamest of all the drivers among my friends - that's pretty much. like hello, if you want to cruise at 80km/h on the highway, do it on the second lane, thanks. let me speed.
i also hate tailgaters who tailgate me when i'm driving at 100km/h. can they not read their speedometer on their dashboards?? it's dangerous to go beyond 100km/h, friend. have you heard of road accidents? they tend to happen when you speed too much.
essay deadlines looming in the horizon! i'm falling behind on my readings again, and i have a ton of research to do for my term papers. the old brain is lazy to think and produce work.
thank goodness for the car the for the next 2 weeks! it's bought me an extra hour of sleep each day and let me zip around to find dinner/lunch/shopping.
studyyyyyyyyyy!
just heard from Trina that this is what she learnt in lecture today! heh. besides the cow's name, they also learnt who the milkmaid who milked Blossom was (Sarah), and the name of the boy who got injected with the vaccine (i've forgotten).
nm quiz tomorrow morning! was talking to Trina just now for an hour and forgot the time as we were yakking away! sigh. better finish soon cos i have to wake up early tomorrow morning. :( i hate Tuesday morning classes. they're nonsense. the only reason why i'm waking up for class tomorrow morning is cos it's a QUIZ.
and i never thought i'd hear myself say this, but i HATE drivers who drive at 80km/h on the first lane and not bother. i mean, coming from me - the tamest of all the drivers among my friends - that's pretty much. like hello, if you want to cruise at 80km/h on the highway, do it on the second lane, thanks. let me speed.
i also hate tailgaters who tailgate me when i'm driving at 100km/h. can they not read their speedometer on their dashboards?? it's dangerous to go beyond 100km/h, friend. have you heard of road accidents? they tend to happen when you speed too much.
essay deadlines looming in the horizon! i'm falling behind on my readings again, and i have a ton of research to do for my term papers. the old brain is lazy to think and produce work.
thank goodness for the car the for the next 2 weeks! it's bought me an extra hour of sleep each day and let me zip around to find dinner/lunch/shopping.
studyyyyyyyyyy!
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I've been bogged down my work lately. I actually woke up at 5.30am this morning to make it for my 8am class so that I could use the time between then and my next class at 3pm to watch a film for my js module. Which, I would never come early to school to watch anyway. So it makes perfect sense to come for class and do work till 3pm. It took damn a lot of willpower to will myself out of bed this morning and will my legs to move out of the house, though. I really had to steel my mind and stop myself from doing what I physically wanted to do, which was to crawl back into bed and sleep till 12pm.
My eyes were glazing over as I was watching the film this morning in front of the tv screen. Tokyo Story. It was supremely hard to watch, I must admit. The pace was sooooooo bloody slow and there was practically no storyline, I was in pain sitting there for those 136min. Tried to do some of my readings after watching the film, and I only managed to read all of one article before falling asleep on my table for the next hour.
I can't believe I've managed to last till now! I'm sitting in the LT now waiting for lecture to start.
I'M GONNA WATCH ANOTHER FILM AFTER THIS LECTURE!!
I must be neurotic. Sigh. Endless flow of things to do, and my brain's already falling asleep, but no choiceeeee. Omg, if the film later is in black and white again, I'll scream. I'm NOT a big fan of black and white movies anymore.
Gonna be driving to school for the next 2 weeks or so! Saves me a lot of time and inconvenience! Yay!
And I'm so glad I came for lecture today! My lecturer just announced that there's gonna be a take-home question to prepare for the final exams. Which is gonna be a compulsory question for the final exam. Lectures for this module canNOT be skipped, today just proved that.
My post today is so inane that I want to cry as I type this. I'm just typing whatever comes off my head but reading everything I've just typed, it just shows that there's nothing very much in my brain at the mo'.
Okay okay. Note-taking time. I'm looking forward to a good sleep tonight when I get home. I'm bushed.
My eyes were glazing over as I was watching the film this morning in front of the tv screen. Tokyo Story. It was supremely hard to watch, I must admit. The pace was sooooooo bloody slow and there was practically no storyline, I was in pain sitting there for those 136min. Tried to do some of my readings after watching the film, and I only managed to read all of one article before falling asleep on my table for the next hour.
I can't believe I've managed to last till now! I'm sitting in the LT now waiting for lecture to start.
I'M GONNA WATCH ANOTHER FILM AFTER THIS LECTURE!!
I must be neurotic. Sigh. Endless flow of things to do, and my brain's already falling asleep, but no choiceeeee. Omg, if the film later is in black and white again, I'll scream. I'm NOT a big fan of black and white movies anymore.
Gonna be driving to school for the next 2 weeks or so! Saves me a lot of time and inconvenience! Yay!
And I'm so glad I came for lecture today! My lecturer just announced that there's gonna be a take-home question to prepare for the final exams. Which is gonna be a compulsory question for the final exam. Lectures for this module canNOT be skipped, today just proved that.
My post today is so inane that I want to cry as I type this. I'm just typing whatever comes off my head but reading everything I've just typed, it just shows that there's nothing very much in my brain at the mo'.
Okay okay. Note-taking time. I'm looking forward to a good sleep tonight when I get home. I'm bushed.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
today has just been one of those pms-y days. my lit test was crap - i completely busted the definitions section. i am demoralized, frustrated, and terribly dissatisfied. how could i have copped out on the 10 marks worth of definitions? i had like, 1 or 2 marks for the entire section only. which just dragged my entire score down. bloody hell. it's 25-fricking-percent of my grade and i am seeing that A fly further and further away. unless i can pull a perfect A+ grade for my term paper.
and i'm frustrated with my life.
reading Hedda Gabler made me realise that i'm very much like Hedda, very much not cut out for married life or motherhood. i want my freedom, i don't want to be squeezed into someone else's preconstruction of what i should be. even in a marriage, i'd want my freedom, my space, my self, but that contradicts the crux of the sacrament of marriage - that man and wife are joined and they become one. i can't live for someone else, and i foresee myself hating my children if ever because they've taken over my life. yes, supremely selfish thoughts, i know, so go ahead and stone me for that, why don't you.
but seriously, i'm starting to realise how important my freedom is to me, living true to myself is to me, and how my personal space is so crucial to me being able to live as a free woman. i couldn't live as someone's wife, wishing i weren't. i can see it now. i can't live with someone expecting me to be someone, do something, fill a certain role. the weight of the expectations would weigh on my ankles like a iron ball and keep me imprisoned and so suffocated. and kids. oh my gosh, where do i even start with them. the moment you give birth to one, his/her life begins, and yours sort of ends, usually. you become so-and-so's mom. you work for money to bring so-and-so up. you sacrifice your physical well-being for so-and-so's health. all the sacrifices, i just don't think i'm magnanimous, big-hearted, and even capable of making them without bearing any semblence of grudge.
i'm so afraid i'll be too afraid to break out of my constructs and live out the rest of my life wishing i had. and at the same time, i'm afraid of the judgement people around me will levy on me, cos i know it won't be pretty. i'm afraid of my own selfishness, it's so consuming. and yet, i'm afraid of hating the people around me who i love too much to walk out on, hanging on to the status quo because i love him or her, but unable to really live because i need to be free.
i need love in my life, definitely, but i'm wondering now: is it possible to be smothered by love? people who love you so much that they pour and lavish it over you until you're practically gasping for some air? i'm thoroughly confused cos i remember the bible says something about love being able to set free. at the same time, love isn't possessive. but all the world's standards of love seem to be so... possessive. with the passion comes the need for possession, and that's when all the rest of the 'love isn't's come into play - you become jealous, you start to hold on tighter to what you think is 'yours', you become self-servng. and yet someone once told me that love between a couple in a relationship isn't like the love described in the bible?? er, i'm starting to think that love between two people in a relationship HAS to be like the love described in Corinthians, or it's not gonna work out.
argh i'm so confused!
on one hand, i do recognise my need to find my freedom eventually, break away from my constructed life, roles, expectations and everything else. on the other hand, i do recognise that it's contrary to what Christian teachings are - that you don't seek to find yourself because it's only the person who loses his life in Christ that finds it. so in my quest to find my elusive freedom, i'm finding myself, which is wrong! my mind's in a total whirl now and i wish i could reach into my brain and manually use my hands to sort out all the jumbled-up thoughts.
i'm in a relationship, yes.
i want this to work out, yes.
i need my space, yes.
i'm not getting enough space now, yes.
i need my freedom, yes.
searching for me is wrong, yes.
wtf?? that's just a whole bunch of oxymorons i just inputed above!
am i like Hedda - no one truly understands me because no one understands my need to break free, and so i'm seen as selfish and cold? i can't say that i'm able to transcend the thoughts of others, like how it's supposed to be in Hedda Gabler in the case of Hedda - because i understand that not everyone needs their freedom, space, and individuality as badly or as fiercely as i do. if they don't even need it, then how am i any better than these people by needing it, know what i mean?
i guard my personal space very jealously, i realise. and i think if this doesn't change, i'm not likely to get married to anyone. who wants a wife who needs time 'alone' at the home that both people share? it's a preposterous proposition, and i know it. and so, i recognise that unless i change, or someone who is able to love me with the space and freedom that i need, i'm not gonna be getting married to anyone.
and i'm frustrated with my life.
reading Hedda Gabler made me realise that i'm very much like Hedda, very much not cut out for married life or motherhood. i want my freedom, i don't want to be squeezed into someone else's preconstruction of what i should be. even in a marriage, i'd want my freedom, my space, my self, but that contradicts the crux of the sacrament of marriage - that man and wife are joined and they become one. i can't live for someone else, and i foresee myself hating my children if ever because they've taken over my life. yes, supremely selfish thoughts, i know, so go ahead and stone me for that, why don't you.
but seriously, i'm starting to realise how important my freedom is to me, living true to myself is to me, and how my personal space is so crucial to me being able to live as a free woman. i couldn't live as someone's wife, wishing i weren't. i can see it now. i can't live with someone expecting me to be someone, do something, fill a certain role. the weight of the expectations would weigh on my ankles like a iron ball and keep me imprisoned and so suffocated. and kids. oh my gosh, where do i even start with them. the moment you give birth to one, his/her life begins, and yours sort of ends, usually. you become so-and-so's mom. you work for money to bring so-and-so up. you sacrifice your physical well-being for so-and-so's health. all the sacrifices, i just don't think i'm magnanimous, big-hearted, and even capable of making them without bearing any semblence of grudge.
i'm so afraid i'll be too afraid to break out of my constructs and live out the rest of my life wishing i had. and at the same time, i'm afraid of the judgement people around me will levy on me, cos i know it won't be pretty. i'm afraid of my own selfishness, it's so consuming. and yet, i'm afraid of hating the people around me who i love too much to walk out on, hanging on to the status quo because i love him or her, but unable to really live because i need to be free.
i need love in my life, definitely, but i'm wondering now: is it possible to be smothered by love? people who love you so much that they pour and lavish it over you until you're practically gasping for some air? i'm thoroughly confused cos i remember the bible says something about love being able to set free. at the same time, love isn't possessive. but all the world's standards of love seem to be so... possessive. with the passion comes the need for possession, and that's when all the rest of the 'love isn't's come into play - you become jealous, you start to hold on tighter to what you think is 'yours', you become self-servng. and yet someone once told me that love between a couple in a relationship isn't like the love described in the bible?? er, i'm starting to think that love between two people in a relationship HAS to be like the love described in Corinthians, or it's not gonna work out.
argh i'm so confused!
on one hand, i do recognise my need to find my freedom eventually, break away from my constructed life, roles, expectations and everything else. on the other hand, i do recognise that it's contrary to what Christian teachings are - that you don't seek to find yourself because it's only the person who loses his life in Christ that finds it. so in my quest to find my elusive freedom, i'm finding myself, which is wrong! my mind's in a total whirl now and i wish i could reach into my brain and manually use my hands to sort out all the jumbled-up thoughts.
i'm in a relationship, yes.
i want this to work out, yes.
i need my space, yes.
i'm not getting enough space now, yes.
i need my freedom, yes.
searching for me is wrong, yes.
wtf?? that's just a whole bunch of oxymorons i just inputed above!
am i like Hedda - no one truly understands me because no one understands my need to break free, and so i'm seen as selfish and cold? i can't say that i'm able to transcend the thoughts of others, like how it's supposed to be in Hedda Gabler in the case of Hedda - because i understand that not everyone needs their freedom, space, and individuality as badly or as fiercely as i do. if they don't even need it, then how am i any better than these people by needing it, know what i mean?
i guard my personal space very jealously, i realise. and i think if this doesn't change, i'm not likely to get married to anyone. who wants a wife who needs time 'alone' at the home that both people share? it's a preposterous proposition, and i know it. and so, i recognise that unless i change, or someone who is able to love me with the space and freedom that i need, i'm not gonna be getting married to anyone.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
i had a discussion in my js tutorial on Monday about the film Twenty-Four Eyes, and someone said that the show's about partings. the show is sad because it focusses on partings. and after thinking about what she said, i think she's right.
to me, partings represent an end. granted, it mayn't be The End, but it's definitely an end to something. and i hate saying goodbyes. especially those goodbyes that aren't said but are felt, i hate them. i find it the hardest to say goodbye to the ones i love the most. and so, you just don't say them. i just don't say them.
i think partings are especially hard for those people who see a part of themselves in the person that they're parting with. it's like detaching a part of yourself for good and letting it go. it's not cos you're like the person or cos you're bosom buddies, but some people just unknowingly hold bits of your identity with them because of the experiences you've both been through, the instances your eyes have met and you see yourself reflected back at you - they're all in the person. it doesn't scare me, knowing that a lot of my identity is reflected back to me by the people around me. it saddens me, though, cos every goodbye you say to one of those people who hold a part of you takes away a bit of yourself and you can feel that emptiness in you.
i've been having the strangest dreams ever, these days. they all revolve around a similar cast of characters, but different situations. but i wake up feeling the raw emotions in me, i wake up and can still feel the feel of a touch lingering on my skin, i wake up and can almost feel the tears in my eyes, i wake up and can still feel the warmth - it's freaking scary. i wonder if i'm going nuts because my dreaming life seems more real than my waking one. do dreams reflect what you truly want inside, or are they the unlikelies in your life coming to life at night in your head? are they suppressed waking wants that only find a life in the theatre of your mind at night because you don't allow them to even breathe in your waking life? or they could just mean nothing, you know. just... dreams.
sometimes i wonder if my soul comes to life in the dreaming world with all the other souls who're dreaming too and live their realities on a dreamplane. which would make the life of my soul as real as mine. which would then make reality a matter of perspective.
if that were the case, that'd be pretty darn scary cos if my dreams are anything to go by, my soul and i live very different lives, have very different truths, and basically choose different paths. but i must say that my dream self does seem a whole lot braver, bolder, and more honest than my waking self could ever be.
the sun can't remember how to shine.
& the colours all have faded into shades of grey.
there's no life in this hollow heart of mine,
ever since you went away.
close your eyes, & feel me hold you.
can you lead me through this ordinary world?
let the sky cry restless rain -
to wash away the miles between us,
cos without you, it's just an ordinary world.
if time could find a way to turn around,
i would walk along the stars,
till i was back at your door.
every word is spoken, but without a sound,
& i found out what my heart is for.
ordinary world/Katharine McPhee
to me, partings represent an end. granted, it mayn't be The End, but it's definitely an end to something. and i hate saying goodbyes. especially those goodbyes that aren't said but are felt, i hate them. i find it the hardest to say goodbye to the ones i love the most. and so, you just don't say them. i just don't say them.
i think partings are especially hard for those people who see a part of themselves in the person that they're parting with. it's like detaching a part of yourself for good and letting it go. it's not cos you're like the person or cos you're bosom buddies, but some people just unknowingly hold bits of your identity with them because of the experiences you've both been through, the instances your eyes have met and you see yourself reflected back at you - they're all in the person. it doesn't scare me, knowing that a lot of my identity is reflected back to me by the people around me. it saddens me, though, cos every goodbye you say to one of those people who hold a part of you takes away a bit of yourself and you can feel that emptiness in you.
i've been having the strangest dreams ever, these days. they all revolve around a similar cast of characters, but different situations. but i wake up feeling the raw emotions in me, i wake up and can still feel the feel of a touch lingering on my skin, i wake up and can almost feel the tears in my eyes, i wake up and can still feel the warmth - it's freaking scary. i wonder if i'm going nuts because my dreaming life seems more real than my waking one. do dreams reflect what you truly want inside, or are they the unlikelies in your life coming to life at night in your head? are they suppressed waking wants that only find a life in the theatre of your mind at night because you don't allow them to even breathe in your waking life? or they could just mean nothing, you know. just... dreams.
sometimes i wonder if my soul comes to life in the dreaming world with all the other souls who're dreaming too and live their realities on a dreamplane. which would make the life of my soul as real as mine. which would then make reality a matter of perspective.
if that were the case, that'd be pretty darn scary cos if my dreams are anything to go by, my soul and i live very different lives, have very different truths, and basically choose different paths. but i must say that my dream self does seem a whole lot braver, bolder, and more honest than my waking self could ever be.
the sun can't remember how to shine.
& the colours all have faded into shades of grey.
there's no life in this hollow heart of mine,
ever since you went away.
close your eyes, & feel me hold you.
can you lead me through this ordinary world?
let the sky cry restless rain -
to wash away the miles between us,
cos without you, it's just an ordinary world.
if time could find a way to turn around,
i would walk along the stars,
till i was back at your door.
every word is spoken, but without a sound,
& i found out what my heart is for.
ordinary world/Katharine McPhee
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
it's been dunno how many 13782918271891 million years since i've blogged, i haven't had time to do much with my life these days. the term break's just zipped by me like that and what did i do in it? read my eyeballs out, spent one day in SGH's a&e, a couple of days feeling ill... and thinking a lot, i suppose. even nowadays i haven't exactly been feeling very well. either the dust in my room is collecting again, my nose is becoming too sensitive again, or i'm ill again.
sighhhh. i wish i had more than 24 hours in a day. i'm so tired but i have so much to do tonight!
pick my brains for a quickie, why don't you. and i feel the cramps coming again to irritate the hell out of me this month.
ahaha i sound like i have fluff in my brain now. =P
sighhhh. i wish i had more than 24 hours in a day. i'm so tired but i have so much to do tonight!
pick my brains for a quickie, why don't you. and i feel the cramps coming again to irritate the hell out of me this month.
ahaha i sound like i have fluff in my brain now. =P
Monday, September 24, 2007
my apologies to those who were alarmed by my last post. i am a slightly vindictive person inside, i suspect.
it's frustrating how some things just never really leave you. frustrates the hell out of me how i go round in circles in my own head, go over the same issues in my heart, and find no resolution.
and i find myself trying to comply with worldly standards. societal-imposed norms. who determines that this is right and that is wrong? who are you to judge this as right or wrong and impose it on me? yes, we're all entitled to our own value judgements, granted. but to impose it on me cos it's the societal norm? i don't think that's very fair.
not that anyone has been trying to impose any views on me (yet), but what i've been mulling over sure as hell warrants an outcry of "surely not! you must be out of your mind!" if i judge myself according to what Society deems as Right.
i've been feeling the need for self-censorship lately and i hate it that it's become like that. yes, a little self-censorship is always a good thing, cos you think over what you wanna say and ascertain that it's not merely a knee-jerk response, but i'm not used to it. so okay, maybe i'm an Alternative voice. like how you have alternative media where the wide-spread practise of self-censorship that exists in the mainstream media out of fear for stepping over OB markers isn't as prevalent. (phew, that was a mouthful of a sentence!)
i've been thinking about it, and it seems as though there're certain self-imposed OB markers in my life now, especially since i'm struggling to integrate someone else in so many aspects of my life now, all the readjustments that being in a relationship with someone entails. it's hard, to tell you the truth. i watch myself, watch my words, watch my thoughts, even - for fear of crossing the OB boundaries. OB, meaning out-of-bounds. areas where you shouldn't even dream of venturing into cos they're controversial, supposedly. or pose a threat to national security. (or personal security, in my case.) i don't allow myself to talk about certain things, think about certain things, so much so that sometimes it feels as though my heart and mind are two separate entities that exist alongside each other and i'm cutting their flow of communication to prevent them from working with each other.
in all respects i should be more than happy. i know it! and i want to embrace that knowledge! but there remains a little part of me that seems caught in its own time-trap and i'm pissed off with myself. like, get out of it already. what's the point in rehashing over and over again certain things or thoughts or feelings when all of these don't have a point to them now anyway? and i don't allow myself to speak of these at all, they've become Unspeakables in my life and i hate it that there're aspects of me i have to keep under wraps all the time.
so many things beyond my control. if i were a control-freak, which i'm starting to suspect that i am, sort of, i'd drive myself crazy with the knowledge that there're so many things i can't control.
it's frustrating how some things just never really leave you. frustrates the hell out of me how i go round in circles in my own head, go over the same issues in my heart, and find no resolution.
and i find myself trying to comply with worldly standards. societal-imposed norms. who determines that this is right and that is wrong? who are you to judge this as right or wrong and impose it on me? yes, we're all entitled to our own value judgements, granted. but to impose it on me cos it's the societal norm? i don't think that's very fair.
not that anyone has been trying to impose any views on me (yet), but what i've been mulling over sure as hell warrants an outcry of "surely not! you must be out of your mind!" if i judge myself according to what Society deems as Right.
i've been feeling the need for self-censorship lately and i hate it that it's become like that. yes, a little self-censorship is always a good thing, cos you think over what you wanna say and ascertain that it's not merely a knee-jerk response, but i'm not used to it. so okay, maybe i'm an Alternative voice. like how you have alternative media where the wide-spread practise of self-censorship that exists in the mainstream media out of fear for stepping over OB markers isn't as prevalent. (phew, that was a mouthful of a sentence!)
i've been thinking about it, and it seems as though there're certain self-imposed OB markers in my life now, especially since i'm struggling to integrate someone else in so many aspects of my life now, all the readjustments that being in a relationship with someone entails. it's hard, to tell you the truth. i watch myself, watch my words, watch my thoughts, even - for fear of crossing the OB boundaries. OB, meaning out-of-bounds. areas where you shouldn't even dream of venturing into cos they're controversial, supposedly. or pose a threat to national security. (or personal security, in my case.) i don't allow myself to talk about certain things, think about certain things, so much so that sometimes it feels as though my heart and mind are two separate entities that exist alongside each other and i'm cutting their flow of communication to prevent them from working with each other.
in all respects i should be more than happy. i know it! and i want to embrace that knowledge! but there remains a little part of me that seems caught in its own time-trap and i'm pissed off with myself. like, get out of it already. what's the point in rehashing over and over again certain things or thoughts or feelings when all of these don't have a point to them now anyway? and i don't allow myself to speak of these at all, they've become Unspeakables in my life and i hate it that there're aspects of me i have to keep under wraps all the time.
so many things beyond my control. if i were a control-freak, which i'm starting to suspect that i am, sort of, i'd drive myself crazy with the knowledge that there're so many things i can't control.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
omg i'm bloody pissed off.
this gets to me over and over and over again.
no heart at all, that's what.
am i vindictive? yeah, perhaps. looks like it. but i'm hopping mad and if i could stab something i would.
am i irrational? hell yeah, but who cares.
i'm this close to... RAH omg i'm so mad. annoyed doesn't even cut it.
bloodyhellbloodyhell.BLOODYHELL.
frickit.
i wish i never met you.
it's times like these when i wonder what the hell is happening inside me.
but i still wish i never did meet you, ever.
this gets to me over and over and over again.
no heart at all, that's what.
am i vindictive? yeah, perhaps. looks like it. but i'm hopping mad and if i could stab something i would.
am i irrational? hell yeah, but who cares.
i'm this close to... RAH omg i'm so mad. annoyed doesn't even cut it.
bloodyhellbloodyhell.BLOODYHELL.
frickit.
i wish i never met you.
it's times like these when i wonder what the hell is happening inside me.
but i still wish i never did meet you, ever.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
talking to my dad about the death of my grandpa almost 11 years ago today made me realise again how to love someone is to set him/her free.
i knew that my grandpa died when i was in Primary 3 from lung cancer. i knew that only a year elapsed between the time he was still scolding us grandchildren for blocking his view of the television and fit enough to take us out to the nearby park to run around and the time when he was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and very quickly wasted away in front of our eyes.
our grandpa didn't scold us anymore, for wanting to watch Captain Planet while he was watching his teletext - he just didn't watch teletext anymore. our grandpa didn't potter around the garden watering his precious collection of orchirds twice a day anymore. he just lay upstairs coughing and we weren't allowed to go upstairs to play anymore cos "kongkong is sick, so don't disturb him".
my dad told me that when my grandpa died, he was surrounded by all his 9 children and his wife - my aunts, uncles, and my grandma. they were saying the rosary when he passed away in his sleep. that, i knew. but what i didn't know till today was that my grandpa stopped breathing several times that night - but everytime one of his children or his wife touched him, he started breathing again. this went on for many times until the doctor on duty gently told my aunts, uncles, and grandma to stop touching him, to let him go.
and so, they did - and the last time my grandpa stopped breathing, no one touched him and he didn't resume his breathing again. and he died.
when my dad was telling us this over lunch today, i asked him why my grandpa resumed his breathing everytime someone touched him. and my dad told me that my grandpa wanted to die, he wanted to just slip off back to his Father in heaven cos the pain from the cancer was so bad. and so, cos he was more than ready to leave this world, he could stop his breathing peacefully. but, the moment one of his children or his wife touched him, he made himself begin his breathing again, forced himself to labouriously and painfully suck air into his lungs again so that he could stay alive for them. those touches from his loved ones were telling him "dad, don't go yet. we need you.", and so, he struggled to stay on for these touches.
the doctor observing this must have known my grandpa wanted to die, and was only willing himself to stay alive for those extra hours for his children who couldn't let him go, who kept touching him to tell him that they still needed him around.
and they all had to let him go, in the end. they had to force themselves to stop reaching out for their dad when he stopped breathing, knowing that by not touching him anymore, he'd allow himself to pass on. it must have hurt like hell for my dad to not reach out to his own dad, touching him and seeing him come back to life again (sort of), seeing his chest heave painfully but knowing that he was still alive. it must have been so painful, so difficult for my grandma and all my aunts and uncles to let go of the man they loved so much, to stop themselves from reaching out to him, to let him go.
they loved him, that much i'm certain of. my dad certainly loved my grandfather tremendously - he was tearing as he told us of my grandpa's last moments today. my grandfather doted on all of us older grandchildren, playing our games with us and taking us out to the nearby playground. both sets of grandparents brought my sister and i up in our younger years. my own parents would send us both to my grandparents' house in the morning before work and pick us up after work and after having dinner there. we got ready for school from my grandparents' house, ate all our meals there, took our afternoon naps there, played with all our cousins (whose parents did the same thing) there.
and you know how we're always told that if you love someone, you have to let him/her go, so much so that it's become a cliche?
it's true, though.
letting go of the one you love will hurt like hell, will be so difficult that you wonder why on earth you're putting yourself through the torture, and will elicit more than a few drops of tears from your eyes. the example of my dad, my aunts and uncle, and my grandma having to let go of my grandpa to death may be an extreme one, but it really made me realise how true that statement is. all the little loves i've had to let go, what are they compared to having to let go of your loved one to the grip of death? knowing you'll never get to talk to him/her again in this lifetime if you let him/her go, how do you do it?
i guess i can see this in the choices i've made in my own life. by choosing certain paths to take, i'm letting go of other possibilities, other people i've loved - and at the same time, because i love too. knowing certain choices i make may mean certain finalities does entail a 'letting go' on my part. when you let someone go, you don't do it with the hope in your heart that he/she will eventually come back to you one day. you just set him/her free, almost as if you're saying goodbye forever, without any expectation. with that expectation tied to the letting go, it's not really setting the person free, is it? how can it be, with all the conditions tied to the action of 'letting go'?
i acknowledge the wisdom in embracing the present and not wallowing in the past. i acknowledge the wisdom in not crying over spilt milk and instead, picking yourself up and forcing yourself to move on with life.
but sometimes, i must admit i still do wonder - at what cost will my compartmentalization of my past, present and future come at? at what cost will my act of willing myself to go on with life and not get lost in the past come at? or is there even a cost at all?
i love, so i set free. i love, so i let go.
Rachael Yamagata's I Wish You Love says it very nicely, i think.
i wish you bluebirds in spring
to give your heart a song to sing
and then, a kiss,
- but more than this:
i wish you love.
& in July, a lemonade
to cool you in some leafy glade
i wish you health
& more than wealth,
i wish you love.
my breaking heart & i agree
that you & i could never be
so with my best,
my very best
i set you free.
i wish you shelter from the storm
a cosy fire to keep you warm
but most of all,
when snowflakes fall,
i wish you love.
i knew that my grandpa died when i was in Primary 3 from lung cancer. i knew that only a year elapsed between the time he was still scolding us grandchildren for blocking his view of the television and fit enough to take us out to the nearby park to run around and the time when he was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and very quickly wasted away in front of our eyes.
our grandpa didn't scold us anymore, for wanting to watch Captain Planet while he was watching his teletext - he just didn't watch teletext anymore. our grandpa didn't potter around the garden watering his precious collection of orchirds twice a day anymore. he just lay upstairs coughing and we weren't allowed to go upstairs to play anymore cos "kongkong is sick, so don't disturb him".
my dad told me that when my grandpa died, he was surrounded by all his 9 children and his wife - my aunts, uncles, and my grandma. they were saying the rosary when he passed away in his sleep. that, i knew. but what i didn't know till today was that my grandpa stopped breathing several times that night - but everytime one of his children or his wife touched him, he started breathing again. this went on for many times until the doctor on duty gently told my aunts, uncles, and grandma to stop touching him, to let him go.
and so, they did - and the last time my grandpa stopped breathing, no one touched him and he didn't resume his breathing again. and he died.
when my dad was telling us this over lunch today, i asked him why my grandpa resumed his breathing everytime someone touched him. and my dad told me that my grandpa wanted to die, he wanted to just slip off back to his Father in heaven cos the pain from the cancer was so bad. and so, cos he was more than ready to leave this world, he could stop his breathing peacefully. but, the moment one of his children or his wife touched him, he made himself begin his breathing again, forced himself to labouriously and painfully suck air into his lungs again so that he could stay alive for them. those touches from his loved ones were telling him "dad, don't go yet. we need you.", and so, he struggled to stay on for these touches.
the doctor observing this must have known my grandpa wanted to die, and was only willing himself to stay alive for those extra hours for his children who couldn't let him go, who kept touching him to tell him that they still needed him around.
and they all had to let him go, in the end. they had to force themselves to stop reaching out for their dad when he stopped breathing, knowing that by not touching him anymore, he'd allow himself to pass on. it must have hurt like hell for my dad to not reach out to his own dad, touching him and seeing him come back to life again (sort of), seeing his chest heave painfully but knowing that he was still alive. it must have been so painful, so difficult for my grandma and all my aunts and uncles to let go of the man they loved so much, to stop themselves from reaching out to him, to let him go.
they loved him, that much i'm certain of. my dad certainly loved my grandfather tremendously - he was tearing as he told us of my grandpa's last moments today. my grandfather doted on all of us older grandchildren, playing our games with us and taking us out to the nearby playground. both sets of grandparents brought my sister and i up in our younger years. my own parents would send us both to my grandparents' house in the morning before work and pick us up after work and after having dinner there. we got ready for school from my grandparents' house, ate all our meals there, took our afternoon naps there, played with all our cousins (whose parents did the same thing) there.
and you know how we're always told that if you love someone, you have to let him/her go, so much so that it's become a cliche?
it's true, though.
letting go of the one you love will hurt like hell, will be so difficult that you wonder why on earth you're putting yourself through the torture, and will elicit more than a few drops of tears from your eyes. the example of my dad, my aunts and uncle, and my grandma having to let go of my grandpa to death may be an extreme one, but it really made me realise how true that statement is. all the little loves i've had to let go, what are they compared to having to let go of your loved one to the grip of death? knowing you'll never get to talk to him/her again in this lifetime if you let him/her go, how do you do it?
i guess i can see this in the choices i've made in my own life. by choosing certain paths to take, i'm letting go of other possibilities, other people i've loved - and at the same time, because i love too. knowing certain choices i make may mean certain finalities does entail a 'letting go' on my part. when you let someone go, you don't do it with the hope in your heart that he/she will eventually come back to you one day. you just set him/her free, almost as if you're saying goodbye forever, without any expectation. with that expectation tied to the letting go, it's not really setting the person free, is it? how can it be, with all the conditions tied to the action of 'letting go'?
i acknowledge the wisdom in embracing the present and not wallowing in the past. i acknowledge the wisdom in not crying over spilt milk and instead, picking yourself up and forcing yourself to move on with life.
but sometimes, i must admit i still do wonder - at what cost will my compartmentalization of my past, present and future come at? at what cost will my act of willing myself to go on with life and not get lost in the past come at? or is there even a cost at all?
i love, so i set free. i love, so i let go.
Rachael Yamagata's I Wish You Love says it very nicely, i think.
i wish you bluebirds in spring
to give your heart a song to sing
and then, a kiss,
- but more than this:
i wish you love.
& in July, a lemonade
to cool you in some leafy glade
i wish you health
& more than wealth,
i wish you love.
my breaking heart & i agree
that you & i could never be
so with my best,
my very best
i set you free.
i wish you shelter from the storm
a cosy fire to keep you warm
but most of all,
when snowflakes fall,
i wish you love.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
school is really killing me, and i can't wait for the term break. so much to do, every single night! i have no alone time anymore, NONE. i spend all my free time doing work; tutorials or research for projects, and the rest of the time in school. and sleep! omg! i need it! i've been having so much trouble waking up the last week for school! i've been snoozing for half-an-hour every morning after the alarm rings cos i just can't get up.
you know, i think that when you keep repeating something to yourself and to everyone, you're subconsciously trying to convince yourself of the authenticity of whatever assertion you've made. so when i keep telling myself "i don't need him in my life anymore", i'm trying my darndest to convince myself that i don't. example in point here.
all the ambiguity in the lit texts this sem are rather apt in describing my own ambivalence towards myself. there's really nothing in something, the identity you strive so hard to create for yourself isn't really truly yours, there's a hole in 'whole', an absence in the centre. okay, so i'm not angsty, i'm not raging against the world, i'm not wallowing in befuddling self-pity and misery. i'm just trying to make sense of my chaos, a chaos which shouldn't even be there, has absolutely no right to exist, and yet still persists in spite of my efforts to find some order for the chaos existing in my universe.
maybe i should set up National Suicide Day, a la Shadrack in Toni Morrison's Sula. in an attempt to control my chaos and justify it being there, i instituitionalise it. make it a Day.
but how do you make chaos into order? the word 'chaos' already looks so messy, and doesn't look quite right to begin with. English words don't start with a 'ch' and end with an 'aos'. it's like Greek. trying to compartmentalize my chaos would be like grasping at thin air, at wispy straws. the alternative would be to force myself to put aside my past and my present, compartmentalize them both and suppress my history so that i can exist as wholly as i can now. Shadrack did that, he became mad. he was so suppressed that he went a bit off his rocker and his mental faculties got a bit warped. so in my making some sense of my chaos, will i become like Shadrack too? of course, i haven't been forced to see 'what no human eyes should never be made to see', courtesy of Dr Roy my lit lecturer, but i've had to feel what i'd never allow myself to feel again, been made to go through what i'd never wish on anyone else. not cos it's physically hurtful and exceptionally violent or miserable, but because of the sheer normalcy enforced upon everything that it makes it all seem rather unconceivable.
i think i can understand a bit of what's been happening to me since April, now. my inability to talk about anything, to share with anyone my thoughts and my feelings about certain issues, my insistence at clinging on to certain emotions even though i have no use for them anymore - they're all starting to make a little more sense. i don't talk about things anymore, don't share about my life anymore cos i did, once, and had the rug pulled out from right under my feet when it was shoved in front of my face that my reality isn't reality at all. it shook me terribly, i must admit. being told innumerable times, even by your most loved and trusted friends, that what you lived through, what you experienced with your senses - they're all not real in the real reality, they're all lies, it cut me. it subverted my sense of what is real and what isn't, and i clammed up after that period of time cos i didn't want to be told again that my life has been but a lie thus far. finding out that you've been living a lie (or so it's been drilled into your head), it's scary.
it scared me. if i'm so 'deluded', as they all say, then everything i've thought, felt, or lived through - they're all lies.
YOU'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE THE LAST YEAR.
extrapolated, you start to wonder when your lie began and when you hadn't been living in that lie.
how does that feel? hearing that? thinking that? feeling that?
i'll tell you, what it felt to me: i was terrified.
so, i stopped writing in my diary (because everything i'd written in there was contrary to what everyone told me was 'true'), i stopped talking about a lot of things, i shut down a huge part of me and left what was necessary to function daily.
even now, i don't talk about certain things to certain people. why would i want to tell him/her what i feel only to have him/her tell me that whatever i'm feeling - it's not real? no thankyou, sir.
so you see, if everything i'd lived through prior to where i am now wasn't real, then that just nullifies the feelings i felt then, right? everything 'real' begins when people deem it as such. so in that sense, the nihilists are right in the sense that there are no absolutes in the world. even such a concrete facet of reality - reality itself - it's relative and could be rendered empty with just the rolling off of words off the tongue.
you say it's real, therefore it is. you say it isn't, therefore it isn't.
in that sense, i'm no better than Nel or Sula, aren't i? my sense of reality and linked to that - my sense of me, of self - is dependent on how other people reflect it back to me. so if friend A reflects the 'truth' as such to me and it's in conflict with what my 'truth' is, the 'truth' could be either reflection's version of it.
my truth now is what you perceive it to be. whatever it is. i'm too tired to struggle and fight against the perception and portrayal of 'truth' anymore. have i let someone else define what kind of truth i ought to be living in now, then? perhaps, but at least that lie won't be mine alone anymore.
think what you want now. but if you ask me what i mean, i don't think i have answers for you - i don't even have the answers for myself.
sometimes i feel like asking whether it's remembered, whether i remember correctly. and what now, knowing what's been happening?
i walk past the benches under the trees and close my eyes, recapturing that moment in time.
remember what i said?
"i don't wanna go, cos i just know that once i pull myself out of this moment, it'll never pass me by again."
remember what you said?
"why?"
remember what i said to that?
"i dunno, i just know it."
and you said,
"it won't. there'll be many more times like these next time."
lies. everything i remembered didn't exist, according to several people. lies, they're all lies.
you wouldn't know how to react if x and y happened? react now, then. but since the above was a lie and all the aboves are lies too, this was probably 'deluded' up too, which just nullifies everything and accordingly, leaves a huge gap in my memory and past.
so who am i now, if not the sum total of who i was then? since the sum total comes up to zero?
HAHA but well, no one who needs to read this blog reads anyway so my post just becomes another truth in my reality but a non-existent in yours. non-issue. ugh. i abhor that word.
you know, i think that when you keep repeating something to yourself and to everyone, you're subconsciously trying to convince yourself of the authenticity of whatever assertion you've made. so when i keep telling myself "i don't need him in my life anymore", i'm trying my darndest to convince myself that i don't. example in point here.
all the ambiguity in the lit texts this sem are rather apt in describing my own ambivalence towards myself. there's really nothing in something, the identity you strive so hard to create for yourself isn't really truly yours, there's a hole in 'whole', an absence in the centre. okay, so i'm not angsty, i'm not raging against the world, i'm not wallowing in befuddling self-pity and misery. i'm just trying to make sense of my chaos, a chaos which shouldn't even be there, has absolutely no right to exist, and yet still persists in spite of my efforts to find some order for the chaos existing in my universe.
maybe i should set up National Suicide Day, a la Shadrack in Toni Morrison's Sula. in an attempt to control my chaos and justify it being there, i instituitionalise it. make it a Day.
but how do you make chaos into order? the word 'chaos' already looks so messy, and doesn't look quite right to begin with. English words don't start with a 'ch' and end with an 'aos'. it's like Greek. trying to compartmentalize my chaos would be like grasping at thin air, at wispy straws. the alternative would be to force myself to put aside my past and my present, compartmentalize them both and suppress my history so that i can exist as wholly as i can now. Shadrack did that, he became mad. he was so suppressed that he went a bit off his rocker and his mental faculties got a bit warped. so in my making some sense of my chaos, will i become like Shadrack too? of course, i haven't been forced to see 'what no human eyes should never be made to see', courtesy of Dr Roy my lit lecturer, but i've had to feel what i'd never allow myself to feel again, been made to go through what i'd never wish on anyone else. not cos it's physically hurtful and exceptionally violent or miserable, but because of the sheer normalcy enforced upon everything that it makes it all seem rather unconceivable.
i think i can understand a bit of what's been happening to me since April, now. my inability to talk about anything, to share with anyone my thoughts and my feelings about certain issues, my insistence at clinging on to certain emotions even though i have no use for them anymore - they're all starting to make a little more sense. i don't talk about things anymore, don't share about my life anymore cos i did, once, and had the rug pulled out from right under my feet when it was shoved in front of my face that my reality isn't reality at all. it shook me terribly, i must admit. being told innumerable times, even by your most loved and trusted friends, that what you lived through, what you experienced with your senses - they're all not real in the real reality, they're all lies, it cut me. it subverted my sense of what is real and what isn't, and i clammed up after that period of time cos i didn't want to be told again that my life has been but a lie thus far. finding out that you've been living a lie (or so it's been drilled into your head), it's scary.
it scared me. if i'm so 'deluded', as they all say, then everything i've thought, felt, or lived through - they're all lies.
YOU'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE THE LAST YEAR.
extrapolated, you start to wonder when your lie began and when you hadn't been living in that lie.
how does that feel? hearing that? thinking that? feeling that?
i'll tell you, what it felt to me: i was terrified.
so, i stopped writing in my diary (because everything i'd written in there was contrary to what everyone told me was 'true'), i stopped talking about a lot of things, i shut down a huge part of me and left what was necessary to function daily.
even now, i don't talk about certain things to certain people. why would i want to tell him/her what i feel only to have him/her tell me that whatever i'm feeling - it's not real? no thankyou, sir.
so you see, if everything i'd lived through prior to where i am now wasn't real, then that just nullifies the feelings i felt then, right? everything 'real' begins when people deem it as such. so in that sense, the nihilists are right in the sense that there are no absolutes in the world. even such a concrete facet of reality - reality itself - it's relative and could be rendered empty with just the rolling off of words off the tongue.
you say it's real, therefore it is. you say it isn't, therefore it isn't.
in that sense, i'm no better than Nel or Sula, aren't i? my sense of reality and linked to that - my sense of me, of self - is dependent on how other people reflect it back to me. so if friend A reflects the 'truth' as such to me and it's in conflict with what my 'truth' is, the 'truth' could be either reflection's version of it.
my truth now is what you perceive it to be. whatever it is. i'm too tired to struggle and fight against the perception and portrayal of 'truth' anymore. have i let someone else define what kind of truth i ought to be living in now, then? perhaps, but at least that lie won't be mine alone anymore.
think what you want now. but if you ask me what i mean, i don't think i have answers for you - i don't even have the answers for myself.
sometimes i feel like asking whether it's remembered, whether i remember correctly. and what now, knowing what's been happening?
i walk past the benches under the trees and close my eyes, recapturing that moment in time.
remember what i said?
"i don't wanna go, cos i just know that once i pull myself out of this moment, it'll never pass me by again."
remember what you said?
"why?"
remember what i said to that?
"i dunno, i just know it."
and you said,
"it won't. there'll be many more times like these next time."
lies. everything i remembered didn't exist, according to several people. lies, they're all lies.
you wouldn't know how to react if x and y happened? react now, then. but since the above was a lie and all the aboves are lies too, this was probably 'deluded' up too, which just nullifies everything and accordingly, leaves a huge gap in my memory and past.
so who am i now, if not the sum total of who i was then? since the sum total comes up to zero?
HAHA but well, no one who needs to read this blog reads anyway so my post just becomes another truth in my reality but a non-existent in yours. non-issue. ugh. i abhor that word.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
if you can make sense of this montage of songs, you're either really good, or you really understand me right now.
what's up?
i know we haven't spoken for a while
but i was thinking about you
and it kinda made me smile
so many things to say
& i'll put them in a letter.
thought i might be easier,
the words might come out better.
how's your mother? how's your little brother?
does he still look just like you?
so many things i wanna know the answers to
wish i could press rewind
& rewrite every line,
to the story of me & you.
oh, i know i could say we're through
and tell myself i'm over you
but even if i made a vow
i promise not to miss you now,
and try to hide the truth inside
i'd fail cos i - i just can't live a lie.
cos i'm afraid, & i can't breathe
& i'm in love with you
but you are not with me
cos i have put so much into a life
i made too much about you now to lie.
how did i get here with you, i'll never know
i never meant to let it get so personal.
after all i tried to do,
stay away from loving you
i'm broken-hearted, i can't let you know.
& i won't let it show,
you won't see me cry.
one thing i'm wondering
when you run out of friends,
will you be coming back home?
let's think this through again
let's take a different spin
why can't i leave you alone?
somewhere tonight, you may be found
with some other girl you've been dragging around
you lie to yourself,
and you lie to me.
it seems like the truth is your worst enemy.
this time was different,
felt like i was just a victim
& it cut me like a knife,
when you walked out of my life.
now i'm in this condition
& i've got all the symptoms
of the girl with a broken heart
but no matter what, you'll never see me cry.
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learnt to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you,
i find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me.
because of you,
i am afraid.
Jesus, take the wheel
take it from my hands,
cos i can't do this on my own.
i'm letting go,
so give me one more chance
to save me from this road i'm on
Jesus, take the wheel.
when you walk away i count the steps that you take
one thing before i go,
something i've gotta know:
boy, did you ever love me?
*
Carrie Underwood: I Just Can't Live A Lie, Starts With Goodbye, Jesus Take the Wheel
Katharine McPhee: Better Off Alone
Rihanna: Cry
Kelly Clarkson: Because of You
Avril Lavigne: When You're Gone
Rachael Yamagata: Letter Read
what's up?
i know we haven't spoken for a while
but i was thinking about you
and it kinda made me smile
so many things to say
& i'll put them in a letter.
thought i might be easier,
the words might come out better.
how's your mother? how's your little brother?
does he still look just like you?
so many things i wanna know the answers to
wish i could press rewind
& rewrite every line,
to the story of me & you.
oh, i know i could say we're through
and tell myself i'm over you
but even if i made a vow
i promise not to miss you now,
and try to hide the truth inside
i'd fail cos i - i just can't live a lie.
cos i'm afraid, & i can't breathe
& i'm in love with you
but you are not with me
cos i have put so much into a life
i made too much about you now to lie.
how did i get here with you, i'll never know
i never meant to let it get so personal.
after all i tried to do,
stay away from loving you
i'm broken-hearted, i can't let you know.
& i won't let it show,
you won't see me cry.
one thing i'm wondering
when you run out of friends,
will you be coming back home?
let's think this through again
let's take a different spin
why can't i leave you alone?
somewhere tonight, you may be found
with some other girl you've been dragging around
you lie to yourself,
and you lie to me.
it seems like the truth is your worst enemy.
this time was different,
felt like i was just a victim
& it cut me like a knife,
when you walked out of my life.
now i'm in this condition
& i've got all the symptoms
of the girl with a broken heart
but no matter what, you'll never see me cry.
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learnt to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you,
i find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me.
because of you,
i am afraid.
when you're gone,
the face i came to know is missing too.
no, i can't learn to live without
and i can't give up on us now.
i guess it's gonna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gonna have to cry.
and let go of some things i've loved
to get to the other side.
i guess it's gonna break me down,
like falling when you try to fly.
it's sad,
but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life -
starts with goodbye.
Jesus, take the wheel
take it from my hands,
cos i can't do this on my own.
i'm letting go,
so give me one more chance
to save me from this road i'm on
Jesus, take the wheel.
when you walk away i count the steps that you take
one thing before i go,
something i've gotta know:
boy, did you ever love me?
*
Carrie Underwood: I Just Can't Live A Lie, Starts With Goodbye, Jesus Take the Wheel
Katharine McPhee: Better Off Alone
Rihanna: Cry
Kelly Clarkson: Because of You
Avril Lavigne: When You're Gone
Rachael Yamagata: Letter Read
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
i'm tucked away in a corner in the central library in one of those study carrels and i'm so tired! i was dozing off in my new media lecture this morning, even though i slept at 11pm last night and should have gotten just about the right amount of sleep.
i think it's just the early-morning thing.. too early for me to even function. all i want to do is curl up into a ball and go to sleep till 3 cos that's when my next class is, only. but i have no place to sleep! these carrel things are quite useful. unfortunately, it seems to be only available to NUS staff and graduate students. whatever happened to undergraduate facilities! heh. but not too bad, i'm using one of those carrels that're available to all library users. it's quite warm and it's cosy. but i have black rain to watch, still! i think i shall nap till 11 then go to the media centre and watch it. it's becoming a pain in the ass cos i'd much rather be sleeping than watching.
and the interactive media tutorial later is gonna be bad, i think. i haven't done any research for our project yet cos i've been up to my ears with work, ditto for the japanese studies term paper which i'm supposed to present on in class next tutorial. bleahhhh. i have such a bloody headache.. i think next time on tuedays i'm gonna bring a pillow to school with me so i can sleep in one of these carrels thingys. i wish i had a room in hall again. if only i could sleep between classes. on a bed, not a table.
shall try to nap now.
i think it's just the early-morning thing.. too early for me to even function. all i want to do is curl up into a ball and go to sleep till 3 cos that's when my next class is, only. but i have no place to sleep! these carrel things are quite useful. unfortunately, it seems to be only available to NUS staff and graduate students. whatever happened to undergraduate facilities! heh. but not too bad, i'm using one of those carrels that're available to all library users. it's quite warm and it's cosy. but i have black rain to watch, still! i think i shall nap till 11 then go to the media centre and watch it. it's becoming a pain in the ass cos i'd much rather be sleeping than watching.
and the interactive media tutorial later is gonna be bad, i think. i haven't done any research for our project yet cos i've been up to my ears with work, ditto for the japanese studies term paper which i'm supposed to present on in class next tutorial. bleahhhh. i have such a bloody headache.. i think next time on tuedays i'm gonna bring a pillow to school with me so i can sleep in one of these carrels thingys. i wish i had a room in hall again. if only i could sleep between classes. on a bed, not a table.
shall try to nap now.
Monday, September 03, 2007
my day in point form since i'm beyond tired and i can't lift my fingers up to type for too long:
- drove to school this morning after sending mom and dad down to work.
- discovered the many different car parks of NUS! - found one in UCC, and one more in the university hall.
- attended the launch of the Campus Sustainability Committee for The Ridge. (it wasn't very fantastic and was full of mature adults in power suits and too-much-make-up.)
- got a very cute door gift from the launch thingy! my very own money plant! i named it Mah Fan cos i have to water it twice a week or so, and it was troublesome bringing it back since my dad had to sit in the front seat of the car.
- intro to interactivity media lectures are the absolute blahs. i don't feel like going anymore cos i don't know anyone at all.
- tried watching more of Black Rain today in the morning. it's taking me absolutely forever to watch.
- had diarrhoea in the morning. my stomach is turning topsy-turvy.
- tried the deep-friend bazhang at the vivo food republic today for lunch (even though it's not good for the diarrhoea, i think).
- watched Hairspray in between lunch and lecture at 4! John Travolta was superbly scary as Tracy's mother, and i actually do suspect i'm slightly prejudiced as a person after the show.
- i wish i were free tomorrow. :( for many many reasons. :( again.
- i have soci tutorial to prepare for tonight before i tumble into bed and an article by Howard Becker to read. Mr. Becker, why do you write such long and cheem journal articles? i read a bit of it in the toilet this morning and still have more than half to read.
- bad drive home cos the traffic was bad, dad was screaming at me telling me what a sucky driver i am, and mom wasn't helping me any when she contributed to the screeching. i was so tempted to horn at any random car that annoyed me the slightest.
- I AM TIRED, AND I HAVEN'T EATEN DINNER YET OR BATHED. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. YUCKY, EARLY MORNING AGAIN TOMORROW. RAAAAAHHHH. i am so not an early morning person.
- drove to school this morning after sending mom and dad down to work.
- discovered the many different car parks of NUS! - found one in UCC, and one more in the university hall.
- attended the launch of the Campus Sustainability Committee for The Ridge. (it wasn't very fantastic and was full of mature adults in power suits and too-much-make-up.)
- got a very cute door gift from the launch thingy! my very own money plant! i named it Mah Fan cos i have to water it twice a week or so, and it was troublesome bringing it back since my dad had to sit in the front seat of the car.
- intro to interactivity media lectures are the absolute blahs. i don't feel like going anymore cos i don't know anyone at all.
- tried watching more of Black Rain today in the morning. it's taking me absolutely forever to watch.
- had diarrhoea in the morning. my stomach is turning topsy-turvy.
- tried the deep-friend bazhang at the vivo food republic today for lunch (even though it's not good for the diarrhoea, i think).
- watched Hairspray in between lunch and lecture at 4! John Travolta was superbly scary as Tracy's mother, and i actually do suspect i'm slightly prejudiced as a person after the show.
- i wish i were free tomorrow. :( for many many reasons. :( again.
- i have soci tutorial to prepare for tonight before i tumble into bed and an article by Howard Becker to read. Mr. Becker, why do you write such long and cheem journal articles? i read a bit of it in the toilet this morning and still have more than half to read.
- bad drive home cos the traffic was bad, dad was screaming at me telling me what a sucky driver i am, and mom wasn't helping me any when she contributed to the screeching. i was so tempted to horn at any random car that annoyed me the slightest.
- I AM TIRED, AND I HAVEN'T EATEN DINNER YET OR BATHED. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. YUCKY, EARLY MORNING AGAIN TOMORROW. RAAAAAHHHH. i am so not an early morning person.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
today was one of those crampy days that make me feel like i wasn't alive. days like these seem to give me licence to loll around in bed all day (cos i really can't sit up), and whine a lot about the pain in my abdomen and just basically look and flop around like a dead duck.
Clem said that maybe it's cos of these once-a-month occurences that help me keep as seemingly skinny as i am and keep that once again, seemingly flawless complexion. cos the nausea's so bad and i keep retching, i simply do not eat anything for the two days of my cramps, till it subsides. i don't want to eat and have to heave up food into the toilet bowl. he claims it's a detox process and it's probably helping me stay the way i look even though i'm about one of the unhealthiest eaters on the planet.
like how my body needs a detoxing once every month to stay in shape and form (though i assure you, i don't look forward to this 'detoxing' process), i'm beginning to wonder if my soul needs a similar process - to get rid of all the rubbish it ingests and accumulates. my seemingly invisible soul exists in a realm my physical body cannot see, but i'm sure it needs to be taken care of like how i ought to take care of my physical body by exercising and drinking enough water, resting enough and eating when i'm hungry.
it's a painful process, though. my stomach feels extremely sore and my entire body's aching and feeling extremely weak, but i've completely lost my tummy and i swear my legs seem slimmer already. perhaps not such an extreme kind of detoxing process should be what i aim for for my soul's well-being, but i do think it's necessary however painful/annoying/uncomfortable it may be. and i think one way to detox my soul would be to keep a day or two completely free of my laptop and my worldly worries; money worries, school work, computer games and the deadly internet, the television - they all must go for a day. perhaps i ought to spend a day each month in the great outdoors, just me and my soul and the refreshing greenery and air.
haha, perhaps i'm too idealistic, but i can try for something as similar to this ideal as i can, right? stay off connectivity for a day. introspect and reflect.
hmm. now that's a thought to chew on!
Clem said that maybe it's cos of these once-a-month occurences that help me keep as seemingly skinny as i am and keep that once again, seemingly flawless complexion. cos the nausea's so bad and i keep retching, i simply do not eat anything for the two days of my cramps, till it subsides. i don't want to eat and have to heave up food into the toilet bowl. he claims it's a detox process and it's probably helping me stay the way i look even though i'm about one of the unhealthiest eaters on the planet.
like how my body needs a detoxing once every month to stay in shape and form (though i assure you, i don't look forward to this 'detoxing' process), i'm beginning to wonder if my soul needs a similar process - to get rid of all the rubbish it ingests and accumulates. my seemingly invisible soul exists in a realm my physical body cannot see, but i'm sure it needs to be taken care of like how i ought to take care of my physical body by exercising and drinking enough water, resting enough and eating when i'm hungry.
it's a painful process, though. my stomach feels extremely sore and my entire body's aching and feeling extremely weak, but i've completely lost my tummy and i swear my legs seem slimmer already. perhaps not such an extreme kind of detoxing process should be what i aim for for my soul's well-being, but i do think it's necessary however painful/annoying/uncomfortable it may be. and i think one way to detox my soul would be to keep a day or two completely free of my laptop and my worldly worries; money worries, school work, computer games and the deadly internet, the television - they all must go for a day. perhaps i ought to spend a day each month in the great outdoors, just me and my soul and the refreshing greenery and air.
haha, perhaps i'm too idealistic, but i can try for something as similar to this ideal as i can, right? stay off connectivity for a day. introspect and reflect.
hmm. now that's a thought to chew on!
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