My haul of 5 dresses has arrived in the mail this afternoon! I'm so excited to wear them and post pics of them, but since the boyfriend has my camera, I will have to wait til Sunday to do a massive photo update at one shot. My online shopping directory has expanded 10 fold since I begun, which is.. not good, since I have that much more options open to me now.


Sigh I really feel like I haven't got a life. I keep blogging cos I'm perpetually in front of my lappie, trying to write some essay or the other. I miss my friends, I wonder if they remember that I'm alive. :(

I'm so restless! :( Got jolted out of bed at 10.20am this morning with the infernal drilling coming from two houses down. This, after I went to bed at 4.30am last night. Growl. And it's so bloody disrupting to my concentration, I can't hear myself think. And I NEED to hear myself think cos my mind's such a crowded place at the moment, what with two essays floating around in there.Sigh. My cramps have been starting and stopping again, so I know I'm gonna be incapacitated really soon.


And. I've begun shopping again. :( Couldn't stop myself anymore. Damn I need an alternative source of income ASAP!!!!! Maybe I should start giving even more tuition, since my current stint is about to be over. But I'm such a picky-camper, I only want to teach within my estate cos I don't think I'll be able to properly commit if I have to travel out! How now brown cow? I need a job!! Was toying with the idea of reviving my blogshop again but I don't think I have the heart to - it's so discouraging and more trouble than it's worth! If I do another collection though, I'll be shifting everything over the lj. I've been shopping a lot more recently and I really prefer the comment function that lj affords you. But I'll need to get someone to help me model and get stocks from SOMEWHERE and ugh it's all so competitive these days, I dunno how I can overcome that.

OKAY enough random musing. I need to get right back to work on my poco/pomo essay. I kinda think I know what I want to write already, so let's just see if everything goes as smoothly as I think it should. But then again, things usually don't happen the way you want them to right? Case in point. Heh.

Woots 1 down, 2 more to go! I can take a breath for the next 35min, before I plunge headfirst into my next essay due on Friday. Unfortunately, I really don't know how I should spend this precious time. I've been browsing blogshops the entire day already (again! and I've not bought anything either, 2 pats on the back for me yay!)

Oh hmm my dad just turned the tv on, and Singapore Idol's showing.
Ima check it out for a bit!

I should have been essaying today, but I very shamefully spent a large portion of my day blogshop-surfing, just window shopping and well, window-shopping. I swore to myself I wouldn't buy anything else after yesterday, so I am very proud of myself of making good on my promise today! I need to make sure I stick to it til the end of the month at least cos this blogshopping thing is really a silent money-sucker. It's not as if I'm working and my purchases are in any way justified - the thing is I am not, so I shouldn't be spending like I am. 

The good thing is that I've looked at so many blogshops that I think I've reached a point where I'm starting to see the same thing in every shop, like similar styles - all lacey, crochety, body-con, togas; made in chiffon, silk/satin, usually - so I don't feel a huge urge to buy anything. I wonder if these blogshops even do product differentiation, cos I'm starting to think not. 

That aside. My proposal thingy for Forman due on Thursday is in pathetic shape. I am utterly sick of any Harry Potter related academic thing at the moment, so I am starting to wonder if deciding to do an academic exercise on something I absolutely loved was the stupidest thing I could do. While I still do love reading the books, I swear I will smash my computer screen in if I have to read another pseudo-academic Potter article again.  I've read more than enough of these studies over the weekend already, and I'm thoroughly sick of poring through them. 

And, remembering that I still have a poco/pomo essay due on Friday and a medieval essay due on Monday isn't improving my mood in any way. I'm at this point where I just wonder at why I'm even killing myself over all these, and I'm tempted to just fuck it all and let this sem roll to its inevitable end. My black eye rings are becoming permanent fixtures on my face, and my skin is home to several new pimple tenants. 

OKAY back to my proposal. I WILL get it done by tomorrow morning, so that I can start on poco/pomo. 

i feel like i'm stuck in one of those cyclical time Marquez novels, where time and actions keep repeating themselves and playing themselves out over and over again. i've spent a good portion of my day surfing blogshops, going back to the same blogs over and over again for no particular reason except to see if anything there will catch my eye again. i've gone onto perez a couple dozen times too. i keep playing with my hair, pouring myself cups of water to drink. and flicking the tv switch on and off.


when all's been said and done, i think my essay is just turning out very very badly and i don't know what the hell i'm writing anymore. i should be a lot more panicky, but strangely, i'm not in the least. i'm in this weird Zen state where i'm just doing everything else except my essay. i think i'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist.

ugh and i'm still feeling disgruntled and unsettled and too too restless.

rain & re-runs on cable.

it is freezing today. i am sitting in my living room with the mattress spread out and my favourite blanket wrapped around me as i try to make myself as comfortable as possible so that those creative juices will flow unhindered for the 1st poco/pomo essay due tomorrow. unfortunately, being so comfortable has made me pick up my tv remote for the 1st time in like a year, and i spent a good part of the afternoon channel surfing and watching re-runs of CSI, House, and drooling over those cooking shows on Discovery Travel & Living.

which i suppose is a huge improvement over my incessant urge to blogshop nowadays. i have seriously spent so much money buying things from blogshops. i wouldn't even shop like that when i'm out. i suppose it's cos each piece is priced deceptively at $26-$28, not including postage fees. i've accumulated 4 dresses and a bag so far, and that's not counting all those things that haven't arrived yet.


all this is making me extremely restless. i feel like i should be doing something more substantial with my life other than worrying over essay deadlines and buying a motherlode of clothes which i don't really need to begin with. maybe i should get down to writing that book i've been wanting to write all this while. problem is, i'm totally uninspired and thoroughly sick of writing.

and the brunch i whipped up for myself at 1130am seems like yesterday already. the bacon, eggs and soup have all but disappeared and my tummy's growling like it needs to be fed, pronto. BAH.


on a happier note, i think i shall actually do something tomorrow to celebrate my birthday! yay for me, at least something non-work related i can look forward to. :) :)

can't wait to wear some of my new clothes tomorrow!
okay i sound horrifically shallow and bubble-headed.

who cares, it's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyway.

so for the sole benefit of myself, i shall post up pictures of tomorrow! so that when i look back, i can see what i actually did with my days. :D

GAH

one mightily badly written philo essay down, two reports to churn out by tonight.

i'm fricking tired, having only slept at 6 this morning and crawling out of bed at noon. my head is pounding. i think i'm gonna take a little nap before i start on the reports.

the caterwauling of the cats outside my house is bordering on unbearable now.

the female must be in heat.

no more shopping!

i know i have to finish my philo essay by tonight, or i will not sleep at all. my mind will be buzzing with activity, arguments and counter-arguments running through my head at breakneck speed. i'm about one or two paragraphs away from a very satisfying rest, after which i will have to rouse myself again and work on the medieval lit report AND the game design play test summary report due on Friday. then slog it out over the weekend to put my Harry Potter presentation together for Monday. and then get my act together again to write the first of my two postcolonial essays by Friday. which reminds me, i have to beg for an extension from one of my professors for an essay.

and i'm suddenly feeling terrible. i've spent a motherlode of money on online shopping over the course of the last 3 weeks. what feels even more unjustifiable is the fact that i've only received ONE of the maybe 6 or 7 things i've bought - the rest of them were bought on backorders. i just paid $27.90 for a puff-sleeved dress from Oh So Fickle, which i'm expected to receive only on the 20th of November. i am soooooooooooooo weak-willed, seriously. money just flies out of my hands, even when i don't leave home. i need to get a grip on myself and save so i can shop my brains out when i go to Europe next May (!!!!!!!)

no more shopping.

only essaying.

tuesday night is big bang theory and gg night!

okay i am FINALLY getting somewhere with my essay: i've written an introductory paragraph that i am no longer ashamed to acknowledge.

i'm in two minds as to whether i should prepare my citations using the decidedly unfamiliar Chicago style (which apparently according to my tutor, is the style favoured by the field of academic philosophy, though i have my doubts on this), or the very-familiar MLA style which i have been memorizing and practising since the start of this semester.

sigh. i am turning out to be such a nerd. soon, i'll have fixed days for fixed routines, like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

Tuesday night is Big Bang Theory and Gossip Girl night.

milk a few cows

i've been doing A LOT of blog shopping these days. having to stay home to do my work hasn't dampened my shopping spirit at all. in fact, it's made me want to shop more, cos the ability to buy something is just there - with the sending of an email.

i woke up early cos i couldn't really sleep. and i wanted to do the 1st para of my philo essay which i was supposed to do last night but didn't. had my morning coffee (note to self: find good coffee ASAP!), and some breakfast, confirmed my purchase of a black toga dress from BC, and am gonna TRY to start on my philo essay now.

and of course, picked out my outfit for school today already. that was the first thing i decided on when i got up this morning. sometimes, it feels like the self-satisfaction of wearing all my pretty clothes is all i have to look forward to each day i have to go to school, especially since a) no one really cares how i look like in school anymore, and b) i don't really care about what goes on in school anymore. maybe the two are interlinked, but don't quote me on that - yet.

i've taken to blabbering a lot here now that i no longer have facebook. it feels a bit liberating, actually, to be honest. try it some day, you'll find that not being tied to an online profile frees you immensely. sometimes, i wish i were born before all this technology was invented. i think i'd much prefer life before it became so wired up and connected. all there is to do is just milk a couple of cows a day and clean a few chamberpots; lace up my boots and tie myself up in my corsets.

♥

so today i was supposed to stay home and start on my philo paper.

the one i have to do superbly for? yeah.

i dawdled most of the day away, feeling far too hot to want to do anything except roll around in bed with the fan blowing right at me. i felt like a lizard basking in the heat.

writer's block seems to be my best friend this semester, it's been plaguing me since week 3.

so in a heroic effort to get past that, i grabbed my pad of paper and took myself downstairs, hoping that the change in scenery would inspire me a bit. i stared at the lush, overgrown mess of plants i like to call my garden. and waited for the muse of deep thoughts to visit me. scribbled on my pad of paper, and realised how nice it is to write with a pen on a piece of paper. we don't do enough of that these days.

Clem came over and we cooked a (possibly!) healthy meal of chicken and bacon burgers with caramelized onions and an egg each.

♥

took a walk out after that to get us some Paddlepop to satiate that sweet tooth a bit. Clem's been the sweetest, accommodating me now at my essay-writing bi-aaaaatchy worst, and more - coming over to keep me company, cooking for me, making sure i don't kill myself from frustration.

and speaking of frustration. there was a very pitiful cat meowing outside my house the entire day today. i wonder what happened to it? did it lose its kittens or what.

i've showered and i feel all nice and fresh. time for me to try to write my first paragraph of my philo essay!

it's a saturday night and i'm spending it at home trying to get my thoughts together. and trying to read endless stacks of books/papers for my stream of essays due within the next 3 weeks.

oh, and i've deactivated my facebook account. just so i can concentrate a bit better. facebook is TOO distracting.

i have decided to put my life in order again. no more whining and moping. i need to be fit and fabulous again to face the last few weeks of this tiresome semester. in an attempt (perhaps feeble) to stave off my mounting panic, i shall list out all my deadlines here, then tackle them one by one.

week 11

26 Oct (Monday): game design reflection item

29 Oct (Thursday): philo final essay and 3 comments

30 Oct (Friday): medieval lit presentation report

week 12

2 Nov (Monday): research workshop presentation

6 Nov (Friday): postcolonial long essay on Coetzee

week 13

9 Nov (Monday): research journal and presentation report, and game design presentation

13 Nov (Friday): medieval lit essay & postcolonial independent project on magical realism

okay. that doesn't seem too bad. i can do this. i can do this.

and while i'm at it, i'll try to ensure my social life does not disintegrate more than it already has.

ugh it's just a simple matter of toiletries, why do you have to go and complicate everything by trying to make everything about what YOU want? i don't get it. it's so trivial, really. where does it matter where i get my stuff from? why does it matter that i don't share your view? IT DOESN'T, so GET WITH IT.

the life of a game designer does not become me at all. i am far too impatient and unable to keep tinkering with minute details to do an even remotely decent job. having been at this since 11am this morning, i am getting grouchy and sleepy. my back hurts, and i have immeasurebly bored. i am somewhat incredulous that i am spending my thursday doing this when i have far more pressing things to attend to - like the Coetzee presentation i'm giving tomorrow at tutorial, for instance.

yawn.

sitting on the bus people-watching today, i thought to myself that the price-tag of your dress probably means nothing to me. if your dress cost you a million bucks but you (very sadly) don't look like that when you wear it - then it ain't a million-dollar-dress. conversely, if you can wear a twenty-five dollar dress and look like a million dollars in it, you've got yourself a million dollar dress, baby.

my linguistic abilities have all but abandoned me this past week, leaving me fumbling for words.

and sigh, i really am falling asleep on my chair as i type this. this is boring me out of my mind.

truth which is true for me

i am always in search of a truth which is true for me, and the idea for which i can live and die.

i have a research test in about 3.5 hours, and here i am, sitting here, spouting philosophical lines. i amaze myself sometimes - so whimsical, so happily deluded.

empty barrels

the weeks ahead promise to be tough ones, and i am not looking forward to it. to my consternation i found myself in the compromising position of having TRIPLE deadlines on the same day - each of them extremely important being 100% CA. that would be far off in the horizon of week 13, but it looms over me like a huge gloomy rain cloud; i know i cannot escape the thunderous downpour when it starts, whichever direction i run. today, i have downed two panadols in my bid to stave the monthly torture of cramps away so i can concentrate on my essay due tomorrow. i slept badly last night, cos my tummy was aching the whole night. as was my heart, but i am determined to put that aside for now so i can concentrate. and focus.

in a fit of wanting to please myself, i ordered a dress from a blogshop last night. and i hope it's gonna be worth my money. i have been forced to stay away from the shops ever since September begun, having been swamped every single weekend by some deadline to meet or the other.

i am wasting my ability to sit up and type properly on all this random musing. i should really be typing furiously away at my essay.

why does it never seem to be enough? i need more time in my day, i find myself busy from the moment i get up to the time i crawl into bed. i am perhaps not different from the average Joe, having to struggle for what i want - and not always getting it, either. i am making erroneous judgements increasingly frequently these days, and my fuse has been far too short. i have been focussing on the wrong things, have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. in short, i have been pathetic, and you know how i detest weakness and failure. i have always found it hard to believe in the maxim "it's better to have tried and failed then to never have tried." i'm the sort of person who tries something only if i'm certain enough of success. so when i fail, it's a sucker punch cos i always take calculated risks. it seems like my calculations these days have been terribly inaccurate, cos i seem to be succeeding at nothing. i wrack my brains to figure out what could have gone wrong, what i could have done better, and i am pathetically unable to come up with anything satisfactory. this is perhaps an indication of how i'm not the queen of my life, of how the control i try to exert is ultimately futile. a reminder of how there is something greater in life, someone far greater than my mortal self could ever fathom - that watches over me as i try, fail, and try again, each time increasingly disillusioned and disheartened. the barrel is almost empty, it needs to be refilled with wine this time.

every night she cries herself to sleep

thinking why does this happen to me

why does every moment have to be so hard?

i do believe that it's not over tonight

just give me one more chance to make it right

i may not make it through the night,

i won't go home without you.

writer's block

this seems to be an almost semestral complaint, but i am having a massive case of writer's block at the moment. MASSIVE. i have typed half a sentence in the last hour, and it's not even a nice half-sentence. i'm about to backspace on my keyboard even as i type this, and then my entire document would be blank again.

i am massively stressed out.

i'm not Chuck Bass without you.

the only way to define something without compromising on its authenticity is to define it with something that doesn't derive its value from something else. something that's absolute in itself.

but what is absolute, really? nothing seems to me to be absolute in itself, except God.

and while i think about that, i am also mulling over the limits of human understanding and perception.

not because i am a profound person, but because i have to write two essays.

and i watched the new season of gossip girl this morning. and really liked what Chuck said to Blair, when Blair worries about their relationship getting boring.

Chuck: We could never be boring.

Blair: You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass.

Chuck: I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

one of those awwwww tv moments that lingered on in my head long after the scene had disappeared from my screen.

this game design module i'm taking is really influencing me to wanna play more games. i just spent the last 2 hours playing random online games just for the heck of it. the last game i played was this flower bouquet making game.

sigh.

i'm acting as if i'm on holiday. and, i'm staying off WoW like the plague. it's like Pringles: once you start, you can't stop. so i'm not starting.

tonnes and tonnes of work to do, so many presentations to do, hence i have no time to be nervous about any of them. i reckon i'll sweat bullets like 2 hours before the actual presentation but right now, i'm just like. whatever. deal with it.

okay i am quite tired i think.