aaahhhhh, i'm so tired! i couldn't sleep last night till 6am, and had to drag myself out of bed at 930 to try to finish an article before exam at 1! panicpanicpanic!! i was drifting in and out of sleep from the moment i got into bed at 330 to 6 this morning. and i was getting increasingly panicky cos i knew i couldn't wake up.
but here i am, awake. my head's so heavy though, it keeps threatening to drop like a ten-ton weight. I HATE INTERACTIVE MEDIA.
and Wendy Chun's article on cyberspace and orientalism is terrible terrible terrible. it looks interesting, and SOUNDS interesting, but it's a frightful nightmare to read. i only decided to try reading it one last time cos i'm damn scared it'll come out for the exam later. i lost the list of impt topics Daniela gave us during tutorial. can't find the bloody piece of paper anywhere. so i had to rely on my memory, which isn't very good right now i must sayyyyy.
and last night, there was a calico cat sitting outside my window. it scared the hell out of me, and i think i scared the hell out of it too.
BAH i think i shall have to cab down later. i need more time to read. this exam is panning out badly and it hasn't even begun.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
i am terriby terribly STRESSED!!! exams have begun and are not gonna end till 5th of dec.
and i have an sph interview tomorrow!!! was intending to study for my interactive media paper tomorrow, but my study plans have been somewhat ruined. ARGHHHHHHHHHH. i'm dying! i'm frantic! i.. i.. i want to disappear into a puddle.
i'm stressed. this is the dunno-how-manyth time i'm saying it but i'm feeling extremely pressurized. to do well cos i've been putting in more effort this sem and i have no more reason to not do well. to do okay, cos i expect myself to do okay. to not fail cos.. aiyah let's not think about failing. and to make it through the interview tomorrow too. omg omg omg i'm hyperventilating.
& i'm so tired, but i need to study for interactive media tonight cos tomorrow's study time has effectively been cut into half already. RAH. help.
I AM STRESSED AND I WANT THESE NEXT TWO WEEKS TO FLY BY ME.
and i have an sph interview tomorrow!!! was intending to study for my interactive media paper tomorrow, but my study plans have been somewhat ruined. ARGHHHHHHHHHH. i'm dying! i'm frantic! i.. i.. i want to disappear into a puddle.
i'm stressed. this is the dunno-how-manyth time i'm saying it but i'm feeling extremely pressurized. to do well cos i've been putting in more effort this sem and i have no more reason to not do well. to do okay, cos i expect myself to do okay. to not fail cos.. aiyah let's not think about failing. and to make it through the interview tomorrow too. omg omg omg i'm hyperventilating.
& i'm so tired, but i need to study for interactive media tonight cos tomorrow's study time has effectively been cut into half already. RAH. help.
I AM STRESSED AND I WANT THESE NEXT TWO WEEKS TO FLY BY ME.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
me against the music.
i shall blog in point form since my brain is frazzled from studying - even though the studying has been rather limited.
- my dad just set up the speakers in my room! now i can listen to my music properly, and not merely from the laptop sound output. :)
- i am wanting to study chinese again when i'm free. i have forgotten a large proportion of what i'd learnt during my secondary school days, and i'm appalled at myself.
- writing test at sph tomorrow at 2.30pm! i am planning to head to school before that to do some nm2101 survey in the lab for extra credit before going for the writing test.
i am this desperate to pull my grade up for that mod.
- lit department is finally offering a second major for lit! my dreams have come true! (omg, i sound like such a no-lifer.)
- SEP application is DONE! now, to settle module preference, and some outstanding SEP & 2nd major queries.
- Carol and i did not manage to go to Sheares for supper this week. mom kicked up a big fuss abt driving on a wet road. i am sad! she is sad too! we are craving naan badly.
- i will play wow on a new server when the exams are over. I AM MISSING MY COMPUTER GAMES.
- i want to read more books! my library hasn't been expanding for a long time.
- i want to clean my room after the exams. it is grossly dusty and cluttered up, AGAIN, and i'm mighty irritated by the mess everywhere.
- ditto for my cupboard. it's not that i have too much clothes - i personally still think i don't have enough. but it's bursting, yes, both my cupboards. i have no idea how and why, but i plan to investigate once i don't have to study.
- wikipedia is extremely addictive. i spend 2 hours on average each day on wikipedia wiki-ing the most inane things. i found out how and why each of King Henry VIII's wives got deposed of and that they were mostly named Anne (Anne Boleyn and Anne of Cleaves) and Catherine (Catherine of Aragon, Katherine Howard, Catherine Parr). i found out that Jessica Alba is part French, Danish, and Mexican - hence her exotic looks. i found out that Ang is a rather common surname in Singapore. and a lot more, actually.
- my dad just set up the speakers in my room! now i can listen to my music properly, and not merely from the laptop sound output. :)
- i am wanting to study chinese again when i'm free. i have forgotten a large proportion of what i'd learnt during my secondary school days, and i'm appalled at myself.
- writing test at sph tomorrow at 2.30pm! i am planning to head to school before that to do some nm2101 survey in the lab for extra credit before going for the writing test.
i am this desperate to pull my grade up for that mod.
- lit department is finally offering a second major for lit! my dreams have come true! (omg, i sound like such a no-lifer.)
- SEP application is DONE! now, to settle module preference, and some outstanding SEP & 2nd major queries.
- Carol and i did not manage to go to Sheares for supper this week. mom kicked up a big fuss abt driving on a wet road. i am sad! she is sad too! we are craving naan badly.
- i will play wow on a new server when the exams are over. I AM MISSING MY COMPUTER GAMES.
- i want to read more books! my library hasn't been expanding for a long time.
- i want to clean my room after the exams. it is grossly dusty and cluttered up, AGAIN, and i'm mighty irritated by the mess everywhere.
- ditto for my cupboard. it's not that i have too much clothes - i personally still think i don't have enough. but it's bursting, yes, both my cupboards. i have no idea how and why, but i plan to investigate once i don't have to study.
- wikipedia is extremely addictive. i spend 2 hours on average each day on wikipedia wiki-ing the most inane things. i found out how and why each of King Henry VIII's wives got deposed of and that they were mostly named Anne (Anne Boleyn and Anne of Cleaves) and Catherine (Catherine of Aragon, Katherine Howard, Catherine Parr). i found out that Jessica Alba is part French, Danish, and Mexican - hence her exotic looks. i found out that Ang is a rather common surname in Singapore. and a lot more, actually.
Monday, November 19, 2007
dear so-&-so:
dear so-&-so,
fact: what happened is still etched in my memory. unfortunately.
fact: you are a ghost in my mind.
fact: you were a bastard.
fact: you were not nice. contrary to what everyone believes & tells you.
fact: i was not okay.
fact: i don't want to see you ever again.
fact: you are totally oblivious to anything. bully for you.
fact: we are good actors.
fact: it all seems well now. bullshit.
fact: you are part of the furniture in my mind.
fact: i am part of the landscape too, in yours.
fact: i don't exist to you.
fact: i do. i exist.
fact: i still dream of you. & wake up wishing i didn't.
fact: i still talk of you. & end up wishing i didn't.
fact: i don't talk to you anymore. i talk at you.
fact: & vice versa.
fact: you are no longer my friend. what friends?
fact: i don't think you care. & i shall not either.
fact: i am now half the person you met.
fact: i wish i were still the person you met.
fact: i loved you.
fact: i hate you.
yours truly,
by-&-by
fact: what happened is still etched in my memory. unfortunately.
fact: you are a ghost in my mind.
fact: you were a bastard.
fact: you were not nice. contrary to what everyone believes & tells you.
fact: i was not okay.
fact: i am not okay.
fact: i wish i never met you, & you've never met me.fact: i don't want to see you ever again.
fact: you are totally oblivious to anything. bully for you.
fact: we are good actors.
fact: it all seems well now. bullshit.
fact: you are part of the furniture in my mind.
fact: i am part of the landscape too, in yours.
fact: i don't exist to you.
fact: i do. i exist.
fact: i still dream of you. & wake up wishing i didn't.
fact: i still talk of you. & end up wishing i didn't.
fact: i don't talk to you anymore. i talk at you.
fact: & vice versa.
fact: you are no longer my friend. what friends?
fact: i don't think you care. & i shall not either.
fact: i am now half the person you met.
fact: i wish i were still the person you met.
fact: i loved you.
fact: i hate you.
yours truly,
by-&-by
Saturday, November 17, 2007
module mapping blahs.
i hate the module mapping i have to do for SEP. the system is bloody ambiguous & it's so time consuming. why bother to map my modules before i even get the place? shouldn't i only have to map for the school i get into? rubbish. 3 more study plans to come up with. it's taking foreverrrr.
on a happier note, CAROL AND I ARE GOING FOR SHEARES SUPPER ON MON!! i've been craving the super cheesy chicken naan since i moved home. & exams always make me hungry at odd times cos my brain's working at odd times.
back to work, it is!
on a happier note, CAROL AND I ARE GOING FOR SHEARES SUPPER ON MON!! i've been craving the super cheesy chicken naan since i moved home. & exams always make me hungry at odd times cos my brain's working at odd times.
back to work, it is!
Friday, November 16, 2007
my eye is swollen.
i think i caught an eye infection, my right eye is swollen to the size of malaysia. even after i tried sleeping it off in the afternoon! it's still swollen. my eye bags have swelled up like male bullfrogs during mating season. i feel like a bloody frog. ouchh.
everything is okay?
waking up i see that everything is okay.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so great.
slowing down i look around, & i'm so amazed.
i think about the little things that make life great -
i wouldn't change a thing about it,
this is the best feeling.
this innocence is brilliant,
i hope that it will stay.
this moment is perfect,
please don't go away;
i need you now.
& i'll hold on to it
; don't you let it pass you by.
i found a place so safe, not a single tear.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so clear.
feel calm, i belong,
i'm so happy here.
it's so strong, & now i let myself be sincere.
it's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming.
it's the happiness inside that you're feeling.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
please don't go away.
cos i need you now;
& i'll hold on to it,
don't you let it pass you by.
innocence/avril lavigne
(& no, i did not have sex or anything like that, though it may read like something along those lines.)
all these things that're happening, i wonder if i'm dreaming, i wonder if they're real. it's almost too good to be true, my future seems almost too rosy to take in hook, line & sinker. it's like i was existing aimlessly with lots of dreams but no way of fulfilling them for the longest time ever, & all of a sudden, my aimless existence actually has an outlet of fulfillment. i'm almost afraid to believe all these, that they're actually real & about to happen to me. i don't want to wake up & realise that hey, it was all a dream. & go back to my floaty life. on one hand, it feels too surreal to be true, but on the other, well, it still feels too surreal to be true. there's so much of life to look forward to, it's scary. what if it was all a mistake, & it turns out that there is nothing to look forward to cos i'm not good enough? i'm scared to even think of the possibility of living the life i seem on the brink of living cos of the possibility that it might just be a lie. like last february, when i was on the brink of believing something & actually living in that belief, when it turned out to be a cruel mistake. it made me so scared to hope, so scared to believe in the rosiness of the horizon - it's made me the cynic i am sometimes. i wish i could go back to living in the optimism of those times, when i was less afraid to dream & less afraid to live out my dreams. now, i only believe what i'm knocked over the head with. the warmth of his hand in mine, the sound of his voice in my ear. i don't imagine about the warmth of his hand in mine, don't imagine the sound of his voice in my ear. i only believe that they're real when i feel it, when i hear it. similarly, i don't believe that i could be this close to living the kind of life i want, until i'm actually living in it, breathing in it, doing in it.
Business Times contacted me today about an internship with them during the nov/dec break. out of the blue. i'm to go down to sph for a writing test before flying off, & if i can't take this attachment up cos of insufficient time, i'll be able to take up a full 8-week internship with sph after next semester ends. providing i pass the writing test, that is. them contacting me about an internship is almost surreal, & i can't believe i'm this close to getting an internship without even trying this time when i tried so hard last June. it's so odd, & i can't explain it. my portfolio shoot on Tuesday went well, & i had tonnes of fun in front of the camera. & my last few weeks with Clem have been really good - lots of smiles & happiness, for the first time in dunno how long. SEP application is exciting me even though i haven't gotten any place anywhere yet - but the thought of going overseas for 6 months makes me weak with excitement. it's been my dream since secondary school to study in an overseas uni, i'd have gone if i had slightly more money.
everything seems to be going so right for me now, i can't help but feel there's something wrong somewhere. yes yes, shoot the pessimist, why don't you. but what if this were all unreal? stuff in my past have affected me terribly, even though no one thinks or sees so, cos they ought not to be any reason for that affectation. i've given up trying to even imprint on anyone how much impact all that have on my life even right now, because it seems trivial, silly, even, to most people. i've accepted that i can't change what people think or say, so i have to live with it & deal with it all. sometimes i feel all those things in my past slipping away silently, & i stand where i am & wave them goodbye. i know that i feel sometimes like by allowing them to leave me, i also feel like i'm betraying those memories & emotions that were so real & sharp to me then. but sometimes when i think i've put everything behind me, something in my subconscious wells up & reminds me of old ghosts & it just pisses me off that i'm not past it.
sometimes, i wish i could erase myself out of the lives of some people. i wish i've never met some people, & i wish they've never met me. so when i lay my eyes on certain people, it'll be like seeing a perfect stranger & vice versa. then sometimes, i become even more extreme & wish that i could erase my life off the face of this earth. not kill myself, cos that wouldn't erase the memories. but completely annihilate myself & any trace of myself, even the me that lives on in memories. i have dark days when thoughts like these crowd my brain & i feel so suffocated. but there are other days when these dark thoughts are a million miles away & i'm so glad to be alive.
for now, things are as they are & i don't want to touch certain things anymore. i'm not happy with the way they are, but i've accepted & i have no energy to want to do anything to make me happy about them. that doesn't mean i like it, but of course, you won't understand. to you, there's only stark black & white, & absolutely no shades of grey. so okay. fine. but don't make me conform to the black or white because it's too dark or too bright for me.
heh this has become a stream of consciousness rant, almost. but not quite. i'm still rather conscious of the sentences that form in my brain as i type them out.
erase me from the face of this earth. like an eraser, not like correction fluid. gone, not filled over.
i don't want to sleep cos i don't want to dream of things i don't want to have to face.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so great.
slowing down i look around, & i'm so amazed.
i think about the little things that make life great -
i wouldn't change a thing about it,
this is the best feeling.
this innocence is brilliant,
i hope that it will stay.
this moment is perfect,
please don't go away;
i need you now.
& i'll hold on to it
; don't you let it pass you by.
i found a place so safe, not a single tear.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so clear.
feel calm, i belong,
i'm so happy here.
it's so strong, & now i let myself be sincere.
it's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming.
it's the happiness inside that you're feeling.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
please don't go away.
cos i need you now;
& i'll hold on to it,
don't you let it pass you by.
innocence/avril lavigne
(& no, i did not have sex or anything like that, though it may read like something along those lines.)
all these things that're happening, i wonder if i'm dreaming, i wonder if they're real. it's almost too good to be true, my future seems almost too rosy to take in hook, line & sinker. it's like i was existing aimlessly with lots of dreams but no way of fulfilling them for the longest time ever, & all of a sudden, my aimless existence actually has an outlet of fulfillment. i'm almost afraid to believe all these, that they're actually real & about to happen to me. i don't want to wake up & realise that hey, it was all a dream. & go back to my floaty life. on one hand, it feels too surreal to be true, but on the other, well, it still feels too surreal to be true. there's so much of life to look forward to, it's scary. what if it was all a mistake, & it turns out that there is nothing to look forward to cos i'm not good enough? i'm scared to even think of the possibility of living the life i seem on the brink of living cos of the possibility that it might just be a lie. like last february, when i was on the brink of believing something & actually living in that belief, when it turned out to be a cruel mistake. it made me so scared to hope, so scared to believe in the rosiness of the horizon - it's made me the cynic i am sometimes. i wish i could go back to living in the optimism of those times, when i was less afraid to dream & less afraid to live out my dreams. now, i only believe what i'm knocked over the head with. the warmth of his hand in mine, the sound of his voice in my ear. i don't imagine about the warmth of his hand in mine, don't imagine the sound of his voice in my ear. i only believe that they're real when i feel it, when i hear it. similarly, i don't believe that i could be this close to living the kind of life i want, until i'm actually living in it, breathing in it, doing in it.
Business Times contacted me today about an internship with them during the nov/dec break. out of the blue. i'm to go down to sph for a writing test before flying off, & if i can't take this attachment up cos of insufficient time, i'll be able to take up a full 8-week internship with sph after next semester ends. providing i pass the writing test, that is. them contacting me about an internship is almost surreal, & i can't believe i'm this close to getting an internship without even trying this time when i tried so hard last June. it's so odd, & i can't explain it. my portfolio shoot on Tuesday went well, & i had tonnes of fun in front of the camera. & my last few weeks with Clem have been really good - lots of smiles & happiness, for the first time in dunno how long. SEP application is exciting me even though i haven't gotten any place anywhere yet - but the thought of going overseas for 6 months makes me weak with excitement. it's been my dream since secondary school to study in an overseas uni, i'd have gone if i had slightly more money.
everything seems to be going so right for me now, i can't help but feel there's something wrong somewhere. yes yes, shoot the pessimist, why don't you. but what if this were all unreal? stuff in my past have affected me terribly, even though no one thinks or sees so, cos they ought not to be any reason for that affectation. i've given up trying to even imprint on anyone how much impact all that have on my life even right now, because it seems trivial, silly, even, to most people. i've accepted that i can't change what people think or say, so i have to live with it & deal with it all. sometimes i feel all those things in my past slipping away silently, & i stand where i am & wave them goodbye. i know that i feel sometimes like by allowing them to leave me, i also feel like i'm betraying those memories & emotions that were so real & sharp to me then. but sometimes when i think i've put everything behind me, something in my subconscious wells up & reminds me of old ghosts & it just pisses me off that i'm not past it.
sometimes, i wish i could erase myself out of the lives of some people. i wish i've never met some people, & i wish they've never met me. so when i lay my eyes on certain people, it'll be like seeing a perfect stranger & vice versa. then sometimes, i become even more extreme & wish that i could erase my life off the face of this earth. not kill myself, cos that wouldn't erase the memories. but completely annihilate myself & any trace of myself, even the me that lives on in memories. i have dark days when thoughts like these crowd my brain & i feel so suffocated. but there are other days when these dark thoughts are a million miles away & i'm so glad to be alive.
for now, things are as they are & i don't want to touch certain things anymore. i'm not happy with the way they are, but i've accepted & i have no energy to want to do anything to make me happy about them. that doesn't mean i like it, but of course, you won't understand. to you, there's only stark black & white, & absolutely no shades of grey. so okay. fine. but don't make me conform to the black or white because it's too dark or too bright for me.
heh this has become a stream of consciousness rant, almost. but not quite. i'm still rather conscious of the sentences that form in my brain as i type them out.
erase me from the face of this earth. like an eraser, not like correction fluid. gone, not filled over.
i don't want to sleep cos i don't want to dream of things i don't want to have to face.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
exam hibernation
we nus students are entering into exam season. slightly more than a week before the exams begin, 3 weeks till exams are over, 3 weeks till semester break comes!!
i spent 2 hours last night planning my study schedule for the next week. it's gonna be a long week! if i do manage to keep to my study schedule, i'll ace my exams man. haha. but rigorous as it is, it's also majorly insane, so.. well. heh.
ooh it's raining super heavily now. i'm trying to read secret agent again, but i'm getting so distracted. ha. and my SEP application needs to be done soon too! australia, US.. no europe, though. :( too expensive by far. the australian dollar has been rising, the US dollar has been falling, so whichever should be fine still.
i had a damn weird dream last night. i woke up mighty disturbed. oh well. i don't have as much control over my subconscious as i'd like.
time to change for school.
i spent 2 hours last night planning my study schedule for the next week. it's gonna be a long week! if i do manage to keep to my study schedule, i'll ace my exams man. haha. but rigorous as it is, it's also majorly insane, so.. well. heh.
ooh it's raining super heavily now. i'm trying to read secret agent again, but i'm getting so distracted. ha. and my SEP application needs to be done soon too! australia, US.. no europe, though. :( too expensive by far. the australian dollar has been rising, the US dollar has been falling, so whichever should be fine still.
i had a damn weird dream last night. i woke up mighty disturbed. oh well. i don't have as much control over my subconscious as i'd like.
time to change for school.
Monday, November 12, 2007
weekend escapades
it's a dreary Monday afternoon. the sky's grey, it's cloudy, it looks like it's gonna rain, & i just crawled out of bed not too long ago. these days, my body clock's totally topsy-turvy cos i've been staying up late to finish essays and whatnots. the latest essay to hit me is the project on the theories of new media. 5000word paper. thankfully, it's almost done. i'm just doing a final edit on it before uploading it tonight by 12.
i can't wait for tomorrow! then i can start planning my revision timetable and start studying. oh, and start on my SEP application too. it's due really soon.
i have a portfolio shoot tomorrow. how to lug all my outfits to school! sigh. but no complaints! i'm living the life i want nowadays. :)
& i had a fantabulous birthday this year! had several mini-celebrations with the people who matter. manymany dinners & outings. on Wed itself, i had Japanese food at the Waraku restaurant at cuppage road with the family, then went to the cathay to catch the Bee Movie. it was only a so-so show, but i had fun laughing over it with Carol. then met Tri on the 8th for dinner and to catch Stardust! it is really good. & romantic. i'd like to be a star, then i'd glow when i'm happy & you can tell how happy i am by my glow. dinner with Clem on Fri at 2amdessertsbar in holland v. the desserts there are gorgeous! i am SO going back there again to try more of them. & take more photos. i love the place. movie marathon after that - Anna & Anna first, then Lust, Caution thereafter. well, the first movie was so that i could sneak into Lust, Caution. heh. it's quite arty, but it's also a little heavy on the sex. i guess the sex scenes were to explain why Wong did what she did, but even then, the scenes didn't directly address that. it was more of a understand-by-implication kinda thing. dinner at Spageddies at Marina Square with some of the zj girls on Sat after session! had yummy pretty desserts at tcc after that & took many photos.
but the aftertaste of Sat wasn't that fantastic, i must say. got into an accident on the way home at Geylang cos Chelsa and i were lost on the road. i was on a turning-only lane but didn't realise and went straight, and the car next to me turned - so we collided. thankfully no one was hurt.. if i got Chels hurt in that accident i would have felt so guilty. after i heard that gut-wrenching metal-on-metal sound, i screamed for a good 10 seconds before gathering myself together and stopping at the side of the road, hoping the man would come back. i was panicking when i stopped, and i kept thinking of the damages i'd have to pay. all Chels and i could say for a while was "oh my God". yes i think we were traumatised. so when he came out and looked pissing mad, Chels was like okay, we're not gonna let him bully us & we'll argue if necessary. i got out of the car all gung-ho & ready to defend my case, when he pointed out that i was on a turning-only lane going straight, & therefore was in the wrong - & i had nothing left to say after a while. i mean, what can i say in defense to that? so we exchanged particulars, i started to cry, and managed to convince him not to settle the whole thing using insurance. had to head down to the mechanic in Sin Ming yesterday afternoon to get the damage appraised and settle costs. i forked out slightly less than half of the entire repair cost but i'm not complaining cos it was my fault after all. i mean, i'm complaining that i was idiotic enough to get into something like that, but i'm not complaining that my parents aren't paying the entire cost. in fact, i'd wanted to pay for the entire thing. but it's just not possible right now cos i don't have the means.
but something i learnt from the whole escapade: Hyundai cars are tough cookies! my car was only scratched! after wiping off the paint that came off his car, my car'll be almost as good as new! heh.
it's been a long weekend..! time for the sedentary life again this week. even more sedentary than usual, especially with the exams looming & me needing desperately to hole myself up to study.
i can't wait for tomorrow! then i can start planning my revision timetable and start studying. oh, and start on my SEP application too. it's due really soon.
i have a portfolio shoot tomorrow. how to lug all my outfits to school! sigh. but no complaints! i'm living the life i want nowadays. :)
& i had a fantabulous birthday this year! had several mini-celebrations with the people who matter. manymany dinners & outings. on Wed itself, i had Japanese food at the Waraku restaurant at cuppage road with the family, then went to the cathay to catch the Bee Movie. it was only a so-so show, but i had fun laughing over it with Carol. then met Tri on the 8th for dinner and to catch Stardust! it is really good. & romantic. i'd like to be a star, then i'd glow when i'm happy & you can tell how happy i am by my glow. dinner with Clem on Fri at 2amdessertsbar in holland v. the desserts there are gorgeous! i am SO going back there again to try more of them. & take more photos. i love the place. movie marathon after that - Anna & Anna first, then Lust, Caution thereafter. well, the first movie was so that i could sneak into Lust, Caution. heh. it's quite arty, but it's also a little heavy on the sex. i guess the sex scenes were to explain why Wong did what she did, but even then, the scenes didn't directly address that. it was more of a understand-by-implication kinda thing. dinner at Spageddies at Marina Square with some of the zj girls on Sat after session! had yummy pretty desserts at tcc after that & took many photos.
but the aftertaste of Sat wasn't that fantastic, i must say. got into an accident on the way home at Geylang cos Chelsa and i were lost on the road. i was on a turning-only lane but didn't realise and went straight, and the car next to me turned - so we collided. thankfully no one was hurt.. if i got Chels hurt in that accident i would have felt so guilty. after i heard that gut-wrenching metal-on-metal sound, i screamed for a good 10 seconds before gathering myself together and stopping at the side of the road, hoping the man would come back. i was panicking when i stopped, and i kept thinking of the damages i'd have to pay. all Chels and i could say for a while was "oh my God". yes i think we were traumatised. so when he came out and looked pissing mad, Chels was like okay, we're not gonna let him bully us & we'll argue if necessary. i got out of the car all gung-ho & ready to defend my case, when he pointed out that i was on a turning-only lane going straight, & therefore was in the wrong - & i had nothing left to say after a while. i mean, what can i say in defense to that? so we exchanged particulars, i started to cry, and managed to convince him not to settle the whole thing using insurance. had to head down to the mechanic in Sin Ming yesterday afternoon to get the damage appraised and settle costs. i forked out slightly less than half of the entire repair cost but i'm not complaining cos it was my fault after all. i mean, i'm complaining that i was idiotic enough to get into something like that, but i'm not complaining that my parents aren't paying the entire cost. in fact, i'd wanted to pay for the entire thing. but it's just not possible right now cos i don't have the means.
but something i learnt from the whole escapade: Hyundai cars are tough cookies! my car was only scratched! after wiping off the paint that came off his car, my car'll be almost as good as new! heh.
it's been a long weekend..! time for the sedentary life again this week. even more sedentary than usual, especially with the exams looming & me needing desperately to hole myself up to study.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
done with it.
i'm done with the dratted essay! it's like 2500 words of torture. i hope my tutor has more fun reading it than i had when i wrote it. caused me insomnia last night okay! couldn't sleep till 8am this morning cos i was so awake after my writing session last night.
it's quite an icky essay, actually. i don't really have a good feeling abt it, cos it was so tough to write coherently! i'm just hoping a miracle will save me and get me a B+ on it.
and today was an extremely infuriating day in school. i cabbed down to school after my fitful sleep last night for a 1hour project meeting. tutorial at 3 got cancelled, and I DIDN'T KNOW. lecture at 4 got cancelled too, and I ALSO DIDN'T KNOW. like what the hell. haven't lecturers been using the announcements thingy on ivle?? what happened?? i didn't go for class on Tuesday last week, being sick with cramps. just that one lousy day, cost me my time today. and i need to email my interactive media tutor abt the peer review exercise which i missed.
and my essay woes aren't over yet. one more due next Tuesday. AT LEAST that one's somewhere near done cos it's a group project. i'm gonna do an edit soon, when i'm rested from the trauma of this last essay.
i can't wait for exams to come. i can't believe i'm actually wishing for something like that, but yeah. this term's too draggy.
it's quite an icky essay, actually. i don't really have a good feeling abt it, cos it was so tough to write coherently! i'm just hoping a miracle will save me and get me a B+ on it.
and today was an extremely infuriating day in school. i cabbed down to school after my fitful sleep last night for a 1hour project meeting. tutorial at 3 got cancelled, and I DIDN'T KNOW. lecture at 4 got cancelled too, and I ALSO DIDN'T KNOW. like what the hell. haven't lecturers been using the announcements thingy on ivle?? what happened?? i didn't go for class on Tuesday last week, being sick with cramps. just that one lousy day, cost me my time today. and i need to email my interactive media tutor abt the peer review exercise which i missed.
and my essay woes aren't over yet. one more due next Tuesday. AT LEAST that one's somewhere near done cos it's a group project. i'm gonna do an edit soon, when i'm rested from the trauma of this last essay.
i can't wait for exams to come. i can't believe i'm actually wishing for something like that, but yeah. this term's too draggy.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
online window shopping
i am currently multi-tasking.
doing that STUPID Lily Chou-Chou essay, and online window shopping! i must say that the proportion of time i do stupid, inane things on my computer always somehow shoots up whenever i have essays to write or tests to study for.
i spent a grand total of 2 hours online window shopping, and i've concluded that American shops are more worth shopping at than UK shops. cos of the exchange rate - the pound is horribly inflated, somehow.
http://charlotte-russe.com & http://papayaclothing.com - 2 of the labels Koko Maggie brought back from her last US trip. they have pretty things at cheap prices cos it's gonna be winter there and they're clearing out their summer collection! i'm so tempted to order and get one of the American cousins to hold on to my stash until she comes back to Singapore for a holiday or for Christmas.
http://aeropostale.com is good too!
ahh, i really want to get a credit card. but i think i'm lucky i don't cos if i did, i'd be spending TOO MUCH on clothes and online shopping.
people like me can only afford budget shopping. which requires lots of time, which i don't have right now.
i am determined to shop after the exams.
doing that STUPID Lily Chou-Chou essay, and online window shopping! i must say that the proportion of time i do stupid, inane things on my computer always somehow shoots up whenever i have essays to write or tests to study for.
i spent a grand total of 2 hours online window shopping, and i've concluded that American shops are more worth shopping at than UK shops. cos of the exchange rate - the pound is horribly inflated, somehow.
http://charlotte-russe.com & http://papayaclothing.com - 2 of the labels Koko Maggie brought back from her last US trip. they have pretty things at cheap prices cos it's gonna be winter there and they're clearing out their summer collection! i'm so tempted to order and get one of the American cousins to hold on to my stash until she comes back to Singapore for a holiday or for Christmas.
http://aeropostale.com is good too!
ahh, i really want to get a credit card. but i think i'm lucky i don't cos if i did, i'd be spending TOO MUCH on clothes and online shopping.
people like me can only afford budget shopping. which requires lots of time, which i don't have right now.
i am determined to shop after the exams.
Monday, November 05, 2007
All About Lily Chou-Chou.
it is a horrific film to do an essay on, a 2500 word essay, no less. my creative and writing abilities have all but ebbed away from me for this particular essay, and it's extremely painful to write. it's moving along slowly and sluggishly. it's been long since i've had this much trouble with an essay! ahh. well. perhaps i'm not cut out for film studies.
i'm writing a word a minute, and it's excrutiating.
i'm writing a word a minute, and it's excrutiating.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
late, but not tired.
as the title above suggests and overtly proclaims - it is late but i'm not tired. second night in a row this is happening to me. both nights, i stayed up to type out my section for the new media project due on the 13th. at least tonight i can go to bed without worrying about what to write in the unfinished half of my section, unlike last night.
but i haven't even begun on my 2500 words All About Lily Chou-Chou essay for japanese film. it's due on Wednesday! and i haven't even re-watched the film. i think i shall do that tomorrow when i get up, then begin writing the rest of tomorrow and through Monday. Tuesday, i still have to go to school cos it's the last interactive media tutorial (i think), and i wanna go for it. Wednesday, i have to be in school by 12pm for make-up lit tutorial so i can't sleep too late on Tuesday night. which means i have to more-or-less finish my essay by Monday night and just leave editing to do on Tuesday night after i come back from school at night.
THEN, after the Wednesday deadline, i need to start work on the final draft of the new media theories project i've been doing the last 2 nights. i volunteered to do the final edit cos well, i'm a perfectionist and i want to make sure i have a final say this time round. the last mid-term paper, we only got a B, and i was pretty darn upset abt it. i want to secure an A this time round, so i will put in the effort and do an edit before we hand it up.
i think this post is resembling the rambling of a workaholic insomniac. i can't believe i'm detailing my essaying plans in such detail here. it's not called hell month for nothing. people have their hell-weeks, i have my hell month.
not quite as bad nor intense as a hell-week, but still trying nonetheless. it's more like a marathon than a sprint, which hell-weeks are.
sigh. and i can't start studying till the 13th of november. it leaves me with less than 15 days to study for my exams by then. hopefully i'll manage to get some studying done during the editing period. it'll be quite sad if i ace my essays but screw up all my final exams cos i didn't budget enough time to study for them.
and this is really odd, but my left hand is getting numb from all the typing. it's like, i suddenly lost all the feeling in my left fingers. heh. this is one sure sign that i've been spending too much time typing. my fingers hover over the keyboard in a fixed position for such a long time that blood circulation is affected. okay, so i'm a bona fide nerd now.
but i haven't even begun on my 2500 words All About Lily Chou-Chou essay for japanese film. it's due on Wednesday! and i haven't even re-watched the film. i think i shall do that tomorrow when i get up, then begin writing the rest of tomorrow and through Monday. Tuesday, i still have to go to school cos it's the last interactive media tutorial (i think), and i wanna go for it. Wednesday, i have to be in school by 12pm for make-up lit tutorial so i can't sleep too late on Tuesday night. which means i have to more-or-less finish my essay by Monday night and just leave editing to do on Tuesday night after i come back from school at night.
THEN, after the Wednesday deadline, i need to start work on the final draft of the new media theories project i've been doing the last 2 nights. i volunteered to do the final edit cos well, i'm a perfectionist and i want to make sure i have a final say this time round. the last mid-term paper, we only got a B, and i was pretty darn upset abt it. i want to secure an A this time round, so i will put in the effort and do an edit before we hand it up.
i think this post is resembling the rambling of a workaholic insomniac. i can't believe i'm detailing my essaying plans in such detail here. it's not called hell month for nothing. people have their hell-weeks, i have my hell month.
not quite as bad nor intense as a hell-week, but still trying nonetheless. it's more like a marathon than a sprint, which hell-weeks are.
sigh. and i can't start studying till the 13th of november. it leaves me with less than 15 days to study for my exams by then. hopefully i'll manage to get some studying done during the editing period. it'll be quite sad if i ace my essays but screw up all my final exams cos i didn't budget enough time to study for them.
and this is really odd, but my left hand is getting numb from all the typing. it's like, i suddenly lost all the feeling in my left fingers. heh. this is one sure sign that i've been spending too much time typing. my fingers hover over the keyboard in a fixed position for such a long time that blood circulation is affected. okay, so i'm a bona fide nerd now.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
coffee, cookies & cheese :)
had tea at the tcc at ps with Clem today! was my first time at tcc, can you believe it. heh. i usually go to starbucks or coffee bean. BUT! i am a converted tcc-fan. the menu there is tonnes better than starbucks or coffee bean! more selection! a trifle pricey, though. but ooh good food! i wanna go back there to try everything on the menu again. had an iced honey latte (have you ever heard of that mixture!) and snapped some photos. :)
i'm going back there after the exams. to eat and drink everything on the menu haha.
origami trampled into the ground.
Friday, November 02, 2007
nothing to cry over, really.
okay so i shouldn't be such a baby over this, but i am sad. my dad's not free for my birthday dinner on the 7th anymore cos he has to work at night. after weeks of planning where to eat and all.. sigh. i was trying not to show my disappointment cos i mean, work is work, and it's not as if my dad has a choice abt it. so.. yeah. but i can't help feeling upset, nonetheless, even though my brain tells me it's absolutely illogical to.
i just came back from a run. 5km, and i'm damn slow. whatever lah, though. i'm not training for a marathon anyway. i was perfectly happy when i came back - until my dad told me abt the 7th and then got me to shut up cos commercial was ending and Ghost Whisperer was starting again on tv. and Carol isn't free over the weekend either, proclaiming "no, no cannot, i have exams to study for, remember??"
so i guess that means i'll find something to occupy myself with on the 7th then. i'm already meeting Clem on the 8th cos my parents wanted to have dinner on the birthday day itself. so it's kinda last minute to change my plans. and it's not very nice to expect him to be free anymore anyway.
i have an essay due then, anyway, so it isn't as if there was very much to look forward to in the first place anyway.
as you can see, i'm trying hard not to sound too disappointed or upset abt it. it's just a lousy birthday dinner, anyway. and it's not as if it's my 21st or some impt landmark. but i thought that maybe i could have a super good birthday dinner this year cos i won't be around to celebrate my 21st next year, since i'll be in Australia or something.
nothing to cry over. you're a big girl now, and it's just a birthday dinner. i shouldn't blame my dad for having to work on that day, and my sister for having exams either. yes. i shall shower and start on my essays. lots to do.
i just came back from a run. 5km, and i'm damn slow. whatever lah, though. i'm not training for a marathon anyway. i was perfectly happy when i came back - until my dad told me abt the 7th and then got me to shut up cos commercial was ending and Ghost Whisperer was starting again on tv. and Carol isn't free over the weekend either, proclaiming "no, no cannot, i have exams to study for, remember??"
so i guess that means i'll find something to occupy myself with on the 7th then. i'm already meeting Clem on the 8th cos my parents wanted to have dinner on the birthday day itself. so it's kinda last minute to change my plans. and it's not very nice to expect him to be free anymore anyway.
i have an essay due then, anyway, so it isn't as if there was very much to look forward to in the first place anyway.
as you can see, i'm trying hard not to sound too disappointed or upset abt it. it's just a lousy birthday dinner, anyway. and it's not as if it's my 21st or some impt landmark. but i thought that maybe i could have a super good birthday dinner this year cos i won't be around to celebrate my 21st next year, since i'll be in Australia or something.
nothing to cry over. you're a big girl now, and it's just a birthday dinner. i shouldn't blame my dad for having to work on that day, and my sister for having exams either. yes. i shall shower and start on my essays. lots to do.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
louder louder, the voices in my head.
i am in the midst of rewriting my Hedda Gabler essay now. just cooked maggi for myself cos my gastric was acting up. haven't eaten anything the whole day save for a little rice for dinner. CRAMPS. yucks. my period's early this month, though.
period updates aside..
was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.
it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.
here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.
that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.
every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.
but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.
tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".
sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.
it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.
louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.
you were smiling.
kelly clarkson/haunted.
period updates aside..
was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.
it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.
here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.
that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.
every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.
but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.
tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".
sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.
it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.
louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.
you were smiling.
kelly clarkson/haunted.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the most disgusting opinion piece
i've just read the most disgusting opinion piece i've seen in a long time in the Newpaper.
"Stay out of my Facebook, dad." by Liew Hanqing. it's in the bitchaboutcorner section - very aptly named i must say but this has been one of the nastiest pieces i've seen in a long time.
since it's such a nasty piece of work, i have no qualms abt putting the author's name in digital print either. i was contemplating emailing her abt her horrid piece but decided against it. free speech, after all. AND, it's an opinion piece. AND the section's named bitchaboutcorner already, so i've been duly warned.
BUT. i want to bitch about it myself here cos it struck me as so yucks. this woman proudly stated that she threw a hissy fit to get her father off Facebook cos "Facebook belongs to my generation - not my parents'."
"I wouldn't want to log into my Facebook account, only to find my Dad has written on my wall... It would just be too embarrassing."
how utterly childish. it stunned me, frankly speaking. what's so embarrassing abt having your dad write on your wall? if my dad wanted to get in touch with my generation and decided to set up a facebook account, and if he decided to write on my wall, i'd think it's the sweetest thing ever. the whole "i don't wanna do things my parents do cos it ain't cool" idea she was writing about is so ludicrous, and just plain juvenile. if you're worried about how "cool" you are solely based on the differentiation between your generation and your parents', then you have my condolences. it'd just appear that you never grew up and out of the "too-cool-for-thou" stage.
while reading the article and eating my noodles, i couldn't keep down my feeling of gross indignance and disgust.
"We don't want to be Facebook friends with senior citizens." - supposedly the name of a facebook group according to our bitchaboutcorner author.
i think these people don't realise that they'll be 'senior citizens' one day themselves, sooner rather than later, and their oh-so-sweet children will come up with "cool" groups that have names that reek of senior citizen discrimination. if this author thinks that her point of view has been validated by the existence of such childishly named groups on facebook, i'd think she is very sorely mistaken because the existence of such groups do not prove anything except that some people on facebook are just gerascophobic, narrow-minded, and still think that they'll remain young forever.
i recognise this author's right to free speech, and hence the right to express her opinions - no matter how much of an ill-taste they leave in my mouth.
but at the same time, i can't help but wish the Newpaper didn't print something like that. it just reinforced my opinion that the Newpaper prints nothing but trash and is good for nothing except the extensive sports pages.
and darling author, facebook isn't of your generation. you belong to the generation of friendster. the facebook generation are the secondary school children who'll have grown up using facebook and facebook only.
a lot of growing up and feeling comfortable in your own skin is needed, it would seem. Singapore is getting full of adults who haven't really grown up but are still feeding on childish notions of "cool" and "uncool".
"Stay out of my Facebook, dad." by Liew Hanqing. it's in the bitchaboutcorner section - very aptly named i must say but this has been one of the nastiest pieces i've seen in a long time.
since it's such a nasty piece of work, i have no qualms abt putting the author's name in digital print either. i was contemplating emailing her abt her horrid piece but decided against it. free speech, after all. AND, it's an opinion piece. AND the section's named bitchaboutcorner already, so i've been duly warned.
BUT. i want to bitch about it myself here cos it struck me as so yucks. this woman proudly stated that she threw a hissy fit to get her father off Facebook cos "Facebook belongs to my generation - not my parents'."
"I wouldn't want to log into my Facebook account, only to find my Dad has written on my wall... It would just be too embarrassing."
how utterly childish. it stunned me, frankly speaking. what's so embarrassing abt having your dad write on your wall? if my dad wanted to get in touch with my generation and decided to set up a facebook account, and if he decided to write on my wall, i'd think it's the sweetest thing ever. the whole "i don't wanna do things my parents do cos it ain't cool" idea she was writing about is so ludicrous, and just plain juvenile. if you're worried about how "cool" you are solely based on the differentiation between your generation and your parents', then you have my condolences. it'd just appear that you never grew up and out of the "too-cool-for-thou" stage.
while reading the article and eating my noodles, i couldn't keep down my feeling of gross indignance and disgust.
"We don't want to be Facebook friends with senior citizens." - supposedly the name of a facebook group according to our bitchaboutcorner author.
i think these people don't realise that they'll be 'senior citizens' one day themselves, sooner rather than later, and their oh-so-sweet children will come up with "cool" groups that have names that reek of senior citizen discrimination. if this author thinks that her point of view has been validated by the existence of such childishly named groups on facebook, i'd think she is very sorely mistaken because the existence of such groups do not prove anything except that some people on facebook are just gerascophobic, narrow-minded, and still think that they'll remain young forever.
i recognise this author's right to free speech, and hence the right to express her opinions - no matter how much of an ill-taste they leave in my mouth.
but at the same time, i can't help but wish the Newpaper didn't print something like that. it just reinforced my opinion that the Newpaper prints nothing but trash and is good for nothing except the extensive sports pages.
and darling author, facebook isn't of your generation. you belong to the generation of friendster. the facebook generation are the secondary school children who'll have grown up using facebook and facebook only.
a lot of growing up and feeling comfortable in your own skin is needed, it would seem. Singapore is getting full of adults who haven't really grown up but are still feeding on childish notions of "cool" and "uncool".
deluge of essays
i am in a veritable state of panic over my lit essay right now. it's in disgusting shape and doesn't seem to have much hope of shaping up within the next 4 days.
and the japanese studies term paper..
omg kill me please. all these essays are driving me absolutely insane.
and the japanese studies term paper..
omg kill me please. all these essays are driving me absolutely insane.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
another bout of indecisiveness
just came back not too long ago from Lynette's grandma's wake. i know she probably isn't alright right now (the loss of a loved one is hard to bear, especially as one grows older), but i hope she'll be alright in time.. i think as a child, the concept of grief isn't as clear and easy to grasp as compared to when you are an adolescent or an adult. feelings of loss, of pain, of grief, become more pronounced with age as we're able to articulate them and name them, understand the reasons behind them and feel outrage at the existence of such misery in the world to begin with.
as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.
i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.
before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.
then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)
checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.
i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.
so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?
but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.
ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.
and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.
i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.
my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.
this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.
i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?
okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).
que sera, sera.
i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.
okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.
as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.
i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.
before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.
then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)
checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.
i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.
so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?
but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.
ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.
and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.
i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.
my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.
this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.
i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?
okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).
que sera, sera.
i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.
okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
hedda gabler
i'm doing some research for my lit essay on Hedda Gabler which is due next Thurs. no, scratch that. i'm actually reading some of my research for the essay! which is extremely rare, cos i tend to just print a lot of nonsense out to comfort myself that i've actually done something, when i haven't really done anything but use paper and give environmentalists even more reasons to hate me than they already do. (excessive use of aircon, blatant paper lover, long hot showers, manymany lights turned on in my room at one go, eating of meat - you get the picture..)
before i begun reading, i was thinking like, how to link violence, beauty and art - 3 very abstract concepts by themselves - in one woman, Hedda Gabler? sure, i had some vague idea of how each of these concepts manifest themselves in Hedda, courtesy of the many lit lectures and tutorials i've sat through. but to squeeze them all into a 1500word essay required some common point to develop all my ideas from. i'm thinking of using Hedda's notion of Dionysian ideals to bring across all these concepts - which emcompasses her obsession with vineleaves in Lovborg's hair, her behaviour towards Thea, and the final, cumulative act of her suicide - the beautiful death, or so she sees it. the entire play in itself is a portrait of Hedda the character, a work of art in the detailed sketch of Hedda presented.
ahh, something along these lines. so messy! and i hope no one decides to kop my idea for the essay from here, though i doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore! heh. but if passers-by who're doing the same lit mod do chance upon this blog and decide that they're rather good ideas (highly unlikely, i'd think), i think it'd be my own bloody fault in the first place right. ha.
okay, anyway. i'm thirsty. i just went downstairs for a supper of muffins and milk. i think the effects of the milk is wearing off cos i'm starting to feel thirsty! my mom's been telling me not to consume too much dairy products lately cos apparently, there's a link between consumption of dairy products and breast cancer. well, knowing my love for almost all things dairy
- i love cheese in copious amounts, i always ask for extra milk in my milkshakes, i eat macaroni and cheese with slabs of butter boiled in, my porridge always has chunks of butter melting inside, i love yoghurt, yakult, and milo-with-fresh-milk, i like my chocolates milky, and the list goes on -
it's gonna be tough to listen to her and take her advice.
on a totally random note, my pyjama pants are slipping off my ass. i suspect there's no more rubber in them. time to get new pyjama bottoms, it seems!
and i really wanna re-do my blogskin. i know what kinda layout i already want, but i have no time to sit and do it. i still have my Ridge article due (i suspect it's kinda overdue already actually), and a sort-of-presentation of my japanese studies term paper on the portrayal of ijime and its effects in the film All About Lily Chou-Chou. dunno why i chose it also, now come to think about it. i'm not even that interested in bullying in Japan, i should've chosen a film about fashion there or something.
anyway. i shall look for photos for my next layout, and read another article of Hedda Gabler before going to bed. lots and lots to do each day these days!
before i begun reading, i was thinking like, how to link violence, beauty and art - 3 very abstract concepts by themselves - in one woman, Hedda Gabler? sure, i had some vague idea of how each of these concepts manifest themselves in Hedda, courtesy of the many lit lectures and tutorials i've sat through. but to squeeze them all into a 1500word essay required some common point to develop all my ideas from. i'm thinking of using Hedda's notion of Dionysian ideals to bring across all these concepts - which emcompasses her obsession with vineleaves in Lovborg's hair, her behaviour towards Thea, and the final, cumulative act of her suicide - the beautiful death, or so she sees it. the entire play in itself is a portrait of Hedda the character, a work of art in the detailed sketch of Hedda presented.
ahh, something along these lines. so messy! and i hope no one decides to kop my idea for the essay from here, though i doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore! heh. but if passers-by who're doing the same lit mod do chance upon this blog and decide that they're rather good ideas (highly unlikely, i'd think), i think it'd be my own bloody fault in the first place right. ha.
okay, anyway. i'm thirsty. i just went downstairs for a supper of muffins and milk. i think the effects of the milk is wearing off cos i'm starting to feel thirsty! my mom's been telling me not to consume too much dairy products lately cos apparently, there's a link between consumption of dairy products and breast cancer. well, knowing my love for almost all things dairy
- i love cheese in copious amounts, i always ask for extra milk in my milkshakes, i eat macaroni and cheese with slabs of butter boiled in, my porridge always has chunks of butter melting inside, i love yoghurt, yakult, and milo-with-fresh-milk, i like my chocolates milky, and the list goes on -
it's gonna be tough to listen to her and take her advice.
on a totally random note, my pyjama pants are slipping off my ass. i suspect there's no more rubber in them. time to get new pyjama bottoms, it seems!
and i really wanna re-do my blogskin. i know what kinda layout i already want, but i have no time to sit and do it. i still have my Ridge article due (i suspect it's kinda overdue already actually), and a sort-of-presentation of my japanese studies term paper on the portrayal of ijime and its effects in the film All About Lily Chou-Chou. dunno why i chose it also, now come to think about it. i'm not even that interested in bullying in Japan, i should've chosen a film about fashion there or something.
anyway. i shall look for photos for my next layout, and read another article of Hedda Gabler before going to bed. lots and lots to do each day these days!
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