a series of unfortunate events

being various kinds of sick and unwell the last two days have given me a new perspective on things. i haven't been this lonely, sickly, and miserable since i came back from Canada, and perhaps i was beginning to take all i had for granted again. lost in all my illusions of grandeur and superficial dreams, i found myself swept along the tides of illusory splendour, caught up in a pathetic day-to-day existence. there is perhaps much to be said about the person who spends her time wishing she could have more money, wishing she were cleverer, wishing she were someplace else. it paints a very unsettling picture of me, and i don't like it. i am lost in a huge maybe, never exactly embracing who i am, where i am. i whine over opportunities that have flown me by, moan over my inadequacies - and then it strikes me, maybe i'm missing the point of this all, entirely. i should not be weeping over what i lack, that's just not how God made me. i should be looking at what i have, and doing things with these. Fr. Luke's homily over Assumption weekend made me realise that enacting a positive change in my life doesn't require me to suddenly sprout supermodel long gams or be anything other than what God has made me to be. everything i need to be happy is already in my possession. everything else that i lack, is inconsequential. maybe i need to redefine "happiness", maybe i need to get off that Fake Grandeur wave that i've been happily carried upon and start swimming back to shore so i can feel the solid outline of Reality once more under my feet.

i really outdid myself today in terms of misery. totally caught offguard by the insidious onset of a particularly nasty gastric flu bug, i was in unexpected pain (which i thought could be cured by either a) various kinds of medicine, or b) various kinds of food), which led to unexpected misery. after throwing up every and any thing i ate, from harmless digestive biscuits to supposedly digestive-friendly bananas, i was beginning to believe that i was on death's doorstep. all the medication i had taken in the hopes of eradicating my pain was promptly thrown up too (i actually identified them in the toilet bowl). i refused to believe that i had a case of gastric flu, so i refused to sit on the toilet bowl on the off-chance that i found out that i was having diarrhoea. anyway, i was too busy trying not to throw up my entire stomach through my mouth, so i couldn't quite concentrate on anything other than throwing up. turns out that once i'd proven that theory right, the pain miraculously started to ebb a bit. that didn't take away my misery though, and i spent a whole hour frantically trying to call the people who i thought would care if i died in my bed or not. the only person who actually picked up the phone was Trina (Dad doesn't count cos i couldn't bawl to him while he was at work, and i don't think he knows what to do with weeping overaged daughters, anyway), and i proceeded to pour out my misery in great bouts of hiccups and much swallowing of tears. this all just made me realise that perhaps i was taking her for granted a bit, which made me bawl even more cos i felt so bad and so relieved that she still bothered enough about me to not want me to die from misery and pain by my lonesome.

i am a very bad girl, i know. :/

so the long and short of it all is that. i am feeling much better now. and i have rediscovered who and what are important to me. and i am perhaps still not that grown up yet.