Say hello to OFTD Installment 1!

EDIT: added more outfits! :)

So I promised I'd start blogging abt my outfits, so I figured why not today since I'm so uninspired to do anything else. Haha. Partly cos I'm determined to reclaim control over my renegade wardrobe again (it's seriously like a blackhole in there - I just have too damn many clothes), and partly cos I'm bored!

I received these two items over the weekend in my mailbox, so will start with these - easy peasy!

This one here is a dress I bought from hollyhoque, from their latest collection. It looked so good on the website that I HAD to get it! Love this shade of pink TTM now, have so many pieces of clothing in this shade of dusty pink in my wardrobe now. :D

Second outfit's something that I really like to do these days - tucking my top into a something high-waisted below! So old school right haha. But it suits me better than the low-waisted bottoms of a couple of years back, since I'm such a pear shape and my hips are the bane of my existence. I'm also liking this colour combination a lot: black, white, and mustard - it's fast becoming one of my all-time fave colour combis for outfits.

I'm not sure if you can see the lace portion of this black dress, but it's there, & I'm liking that a lot! (Am very into lace these days). Also, the dusty peach pink hobo bag is one of my fave colours this spring, and my bag collection ranges from structured to slouchy.

This hobo belongs to the latter and it's one of my everyday bags :)

I heart this skirt TTM!! Can't wait to dress it up for work, or down with a ribbed tank top :) Planning to bring it with me for my Euro-trip! :)

Some of the dresses I wore for my presentations last week. Check out the lovely back of the first dress, from agneselle! Threw a black blazer over during the presentations, took the blazer off while walking around in school. Blazers are starting to become a staple in my wardrobe. More about my beloved blazers another post!

Another work piece I wore for the Advertising Charles & Keith photoshoot thingy (thankgoodness for big sunnies that hide half my face so I actually look half-decent).
I actually like this dress a lot, even though it's a bit formal for everyday wear in school. But I reckon once I start working, dresses like that would start to develop a close relationship with me. :P



HAHA okay I have only these for today. :D
Back to work reading my CSR stuff for PR!

How to start studying?

Having washed my hands off all my projects/assignments for this sem, all I have left is to studystudystudy!
No mood to do anything at all since it's raining and I'm sleepy, so here's a sneak peek at the study timetable I've drafted out! I dunno why I sound so excited, but I swear I'm not actually heh. Am trying to study for PR now but am so distracted!!!

Hungry, sleepy, restless, and feel like I want to shop badly.

OHMAGAWDDDDDDDD I AM SO DEADDD

:((((((

4000 word Pynchon essay due in precisely 24 hours and I'm at a pathetic 1000 words. I need to produce another 1000 words by the time I hit the sack tonight or I'm never gonna make it. I am so damn uninspired you have no idea, it's terrifying to be so aimless and blase about it all when I KNOW I've got to make this work in 24 hours.

And, I'm daaaaaaymmn hungry, to top it all off.
And, I think I'm PMSing majorly. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Not a nice feeling. I feel like I need to sleep/eat/work all at once.
I cannot work on a petrified mind and a petulantly hungry tummy :(

Three things you should know about me:

1. I'm fiercely loyal to those whom I love, to the point of being overprotective. If you mess with any of them (you heard that Barbie wannabe who likes to pretend you're some arty-farty melancholic maiden; but I've got news for you: you FAIL), I'll take you down with me. I hate people who are patronizing, who try hard to be someone they're not, who are hypocritical, who pretend to be all innocent and blase but in reality, are devious vixens - my plastic cup has more personality than you and is definitely worth more space on my shelf than the oxygen you waste by living every extra minute.

2. I may not be the most beautiful looks wise, but at least I'm not trying pathetically hard to look like a dear caught in the headlights, and at least I know my nose will not melt if someone holds a match too close. It took time to come to terms with the fact that there's always gonna be someone who looks more beautiful or more pretty - and I've finally (albeit reluctantly, I'll admit that much) accepted that, and it's made me love me for who I am all the more, and love the people around me better too, at that.

3. I cannot sleep at night, no matter how tired I may be, if I have more than one thing pressing on my mind when I go to bed. Last night, I had my undone essay, my Euro trip, and my conversation with Cheryl on my mind (and my blood was still boiling when I went to bed) keeping me up in bed until 6am - even though I was so exhausted physically that I was seeing stars.



All that being said, you should know better than to mess with me.

I am going to start my style journal!

I've decided that I'm gonna start journaling my outfits so that I can keep track exactly of my tastes and preferences where clothes are concerned. I realised that I buy things that catch my eye, and many of my purchases are impulse buys. Maybe if I'm more aware of what suits me (cutting, colours, designs), and if I know what kinds of outfits I already have, I can maximise my shopping dollar. Hopefully hopefully! I also want to see the evolution of my style and see if I can tack a particular style to my way of dressing.

Will just be posting those outfit entries in this blog as well cos I'm lazy to maintain more than one blog :P Yes I'm a lazy bum heh. Start soon, like after I produce my 4000 word Pynchon essay by Friday! So, STAY TUNED!

Meanwhile, am just waiting for AI to start. Am reading one of my several Pynchon criticism books I borrowed from the library in the meantime..

Stay-In-Weekend

I am done with my utopias essay. Not necessarily the best one I've written (far from it sadly) but I'm gonna leave it so I can start reading as much of Tepper as I can for the test tomorrow. Patke's being brutal I tell you. Essay and test on the same day. :(

So this weekend, Clem and I stayed in both Sat and Sun to clear work!

Cooked our own dinner after going for 6.15pm Mass. Bacon & mushroom carbonara in full cream is really delish!! We're gonna cook pasta again for dinner in a bit, then hopefully watch a DVD or something after dinner - cos all work and no play makes Kelly a dull girl and Clem a dull boy.

Some peektures of yesterday!

 Clem's portion with lots of garnishing!

Before & after - don't believe his stuffed face though. He could still eat more. Haha.

Mine with a lot less green stuff :P

This was after dinner when he hijacked my computer to play minesweeper and ignored me completely hmph :(

OKAY TIME TO COOK DINNER :D:D

As Nigella says, every meal should be a special meal, no matter what the occasion. :)

I seriously suck at chess. Proof:

I am washing my hands off my 1984 section already. Moving on the Handmaid.
I bugged Clem to play chess with me to take a break from my essaying, but I'm more irritated than ever after this game!
Look at how ridiculous our game became:

What the hell right!!
The computer only had one king left but I couldn't beat him! I gave up chasing him around the board, spent 15 whole minutes trying to trap him. Grrrr.

Minesweeper and Spider Solitaire are EVIL.

I'm writing 1 line of my essay per hour, it's really incredibly bad :( So fricking distracted, and no mood or inspiration. I'm getting increasingly moody and grouchy, I think it's the time of the stupid month GROWLLL.

I don't really want anyone to face my frustration so I'm just keeping well clear from society and hermiting myself at home as I really struggle to produce a half-baked piece of work. Why's this essay so difficult to write ugh. I have a sneaky suspicion that it's cos I skipped so many of the classes that I'm just not really sure what's going on as a whole. See I hate it when I realize it's my own stupidity and laziness that comes back to bite me hard on the bottom when it's show time.

Everything else aside. I spent a HUGE part of my day obsessing over the games on my computer. Minesweeper, Spider Solitaire and some Mahjong thingy. Sigh every single essay-writing period, I find a new thing to obsess over. Last year, it was over blogshopping. Now, it's over these stupid games. Do you know I stayed up til 3am last night trying to win a game of Minesweeper on intermediate mode?? I kept making silly mistakes, trying to beat the clock and play quickly. Then today, I spent 2 hours trying to beat the hard mode of Spider Solitaire (the one with 4 different suits). It's impossible to beat I swear, I haven't come even close.



As you can probably tell, my essay lay neglected all this while. Lies neglected. I'm currently at 2 pages and a bit and it's all lousy work. I hate myself.

Bleeding Smuggy Hell.

I am really really peeved at the moment. I just found out today that the final copy of the Advertising report I'd slaved all night doing, painstakingly doing up the appendices at 4-bleeding-AM in the fricking morning, DID NOT GET SENT TO MY GROUP MATES.

I super hate NUS email!! It has played me out not once, not twice, but three bleeding times in the space of this past week alone! WTF. My mails with impt attachments didn't get delivered to my group mates. And I don't understand why my group mates did not ask me for the final copy - since I stated in the previous email which got through that that was a DRAFT. LUCKILY, that one had the main text edited already. You have no idea how heavily I edited.


GROWL

Little pocket of old sunshine.

This week and next are gonna be hell for me (hmmmmm didn't I say that last week and the week before too?)
I'm really struggling with my utopias essay cos I keep fluctuating between topics - I think Patke must be annoyed with my fickle-mindedness. :( I know I am!!

I'm desperately thumbing through one of the few dystopia books I managed to get my hands on while I watch American Idol. Talk about being unfocused and ill-disciplined. Sigh. Ima try to finish my essay by Friday so I can study for the utopias test on Monday. I know right, essay and exam on the same day, wthhhhhhhhhhhh. OHWELL. No point whining about it, and I should "face it like a man", like what Simon Cowell just said to Tim on AI about his handling of the judges' criticism week after week.

I will only worry about my 4000 word Pynchon essay next week, after I'm done with the utopias one. One thing at a time, or I'll falter and fall and not be able to scramble back up onto my feet. Speaking of Pynchon. I'm so ashamed of my yoyography offering in class yesterday. I hastily made a story up on the spot with the list of words I had scribbled while on the train that day, and just told it. And, I think it was very boring. But my very kind classmates did not have the heart to pan my lousy children's story, so I'm thankful.

So, in a bid to try to keep the creeping sense of panic from overwhelming me and paralyzing me, I'm gonna post up pictures taken of a happier time, taken with the spanking new 550D. Well, actually it was just last Friday - when Clem and I watched Clash of the Titans in 3D at Shaw. Though, in all honesty, it was pretty disappointing, considering the reviews it received (3.5 stars out of 5 in Today and something similar in Life) - like a pretty lousy, cheesy storyline, inaccurate rendition of myth (no way does Io even come close to appearing in the Perseus myth cycle - the Io myth involves her turning into a cow because Zeus wants to keep her from Hera, or similar versions as these), and just not very impressive overall. But, I quite like Gemma Arterton as an actress, so it was good seeing her on-screen.

Okay enough rambling.
Massive picture onslaught of that day coming right up!

This is our beeYOOtiful car!

Um okay reality sucks :P

Bwing & Swing <3

The posters look better than the movie really was..

TOOTHLESS I LOVE YOU!!

Random shot of me on Ion elevator. I think we were hoping Zara would still be open at 10pm.

(Which it was not btw)

Clem was so dissatisfied with his Macs burger! See him roar!

(We don't eat at Macs unless we have absolutely no choice heh)

The 550D rocks major socks <3<3<3

We tried out Bread Society (in Ion) for the 1st time - my Double Cheese bread wasn't the best: it was very hard and tasteless.. Clem's Almond Cream was good! And I like the paperbag a lot haha. :)

Teehee a little narcissistic I know, but I loved my outfit that day :P

WIW: dress from BonitoChico, bag from Tianfenlan, shoes from U.R.S & inc.

Now to bed, before I start work again!

I've literally worked myself to the ground and find myself sick like a duck at the present moment. My voice has all but disappeared and a bad cough's been dogging me for the past week. Dragged myself to the polyclinic (fricking 1-and-half hour wait just to see a doctor who didn't tell me anything I didn't already know GRRRRRR) to get medicine and an MC after the all-nighter I pulled on Weds night to finish compiling my advertising report. (If my group mates massacred it in the short span of time between when I sent it to them and when they submitted it, you will not hear the end of it here I promise.)

Went for Good Friday service at 10am this morning and sat down in front of my lappie to get some work done before I take a nap. It feels good to have a bit of space to breathe this weekend - having done my 5 summaries for my PR issue tracking project to send to He Wei so she can write the background (I'm so hardworking I actually did an extra one to fulfill the "international news source" criterion - so I did 6 in total), and sent Dr Teh my very shoddily thought through Pynchon essay topic, all I have left this weekend are my presentation slides for PR and Governance presentations. I feel pretttttttty accomplished :)

Since there seems to be so much time this weekend for me (it feels a bit strange not to be rushing some piece of work out or the other), I might take the opportunity to cobble together something for the yoyography exercise I am due to present in class on Tuesday. Or, I might start writing my section for the PR issue tracking project. Or, do tonnes of reading so I can start on Utopias essay this week, since it's due next Monday. Or, read the remaining Utopias texts for the final exam next Monday, too. Or, finish up Gravity's Rainbow so I can write my Pynchon essay.

Okay seems like I still have a pretty long list of things to get done. :P
But the nice part is, none of any of that are due on Monday. :):):)

Big pat on the back for myself - now to get well so I can get started on all those other things waiting for me to get through before I can even start studying for the final exams.

ALL FEMALE FRIENDS I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!

All female friends who read my blog, I need your help in filling out this very short survey for my project due on Thursday (!!!!!!!!) - Yes, I know, I am super last minute and terribleee :(

I'll be eternally grateful. Thank you babes!!

Click here to take my survey :)

Three more weeks, I *think* I can do it?

I really gotta get my act together. The advertising paper is due Thursday and I haven't even begun working on anything. Granted, I'm supposed to compile the entire thing and edit it, but I still actually need to work on the competitor section of the paper and add on to Heather's write-up of Charles & Keith itself. And, Charles & Keith have not replied me. I suspect that the marketing exec who had replied my email doesn't intend to furnish us with the answers to the questions we asked, and as such are behaving terribly inconsiderately by not bothering to reply after I'd emailed her our list of questions that she'd asked for.

And I have to choose the 5 articles for the PR issue tracking project and summarize them by Weds, cos He Wei needs them to write her part.

And, my presentation for tomorrow is atrocious. You have no idea. SIGHH.



It's just three more weeks, just gotta give it all you got.
My insomnia last night is not helping at all. Looks like it's gonna be a long three weeks. :(

The snare of the fowler will never capture me,

I spent the entire day yesterday with my wing and though we didn't do anything special (what's new these days, really haha), I enjoyed every minute of it. Time spent with my wing is so short and such a rare commodity these days.. Makes every minute seem all the more precious and oh-so-fleeting. Guess this busy spell has taught me how to live in the now instead of my habit of living in the past or the future, with my head always filled with thoughts and plans. We had a scrumptious lunch at Sushi Tei, I read some Baudrillard & Lyotard while he napped, we went for Mass, had dinner with his family, watched the latest episode of The Big Bang Theory and one of Gossip Girl (I'm really lagging in my GG watching this season). Mundane things but it didn't matter to me - we could have spent the day peeling beansprouts or shelling peanuts together, and it would still have been just as well-spent.

I hardly see or talk to the boyf during the week now that we're both such busy-bees, but I'm really thankful I have a best friend who cares and still has time for me in spite of  her even more busy schedule, and helped keep me sane throughout last week when I was such a terrible stressed out insomniac. We did small things together that was so reminiscent of our younger days, like sharing a pizza and watching TV as though there were nothing better to do. Watched a week's worth of the silly 7pm Korean drama on Channel U and laughed so hard over Just for Laughs Asia. :P Walked outside for dinner on Friday and played Raving Rabbids on her Wii. All these times with Trina are precious too, and it's heartwarming to know that our friendship is still going so strong after all these long years. Things will definitely change when we get married and start our own families, but I think I will always need my best friend in my life by my side too - there're some things that nothing will ever replace.


Yes, indeedy, God has been faithful and has bore me up on eagle's wings.
He has blessed me abundantly with my wing, with Trina - people who bring me such love and help me through each day of this difficult month. It may get tough and lonely sometimes; sometimes, the world seems to want to take me down however I fight, and I may let it get to me every so often. But ultimately, when I go to bed each night, I know that I am loved and I manage to drag myself out of bed the next morning, no matter how I don't want to face the world for another day.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings

Bear you on the breath of dawn

Make you shine like the sun

And hold you in the palm of His hand.

credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/wolfsoul/2523939116/

Toothless the Dragon

How to Train Your Dragon in 3D last night was soooooooooooooooooo good!!
For me, the highlight of the entire show was Toothless, the dragon. :):) He's so superduper cute, I wish I could have a pet dragon toooooooo!!!

Some pics of Toothless to help me relive some of the show last night.

The Japanese poster is so much cuter than the one we have here. I love it when Toothless lets Hiccup pat him, the look he gives. :):)

His "thanks for the fish - here's half back, i'm sharing it with you! *grin*" look :P

Toothless trying to smile at Hiccup! Aw so cuteeeeeee right!

Here's when Toothless lets Astrid ride him too. He reminds me of a huge cat!
Come to think of it, Toothless looks a bit like a Pokemon. Haha.







DAYYYMNN I WANT A PET DRAGON!!

Another work-related, lack-of-time & motivation rant..

Now, here's the deal:

I have a PR mid-term tomorrow, and a research paper due on Thursday - and I don't feel like doing any of the abovementioned. I also have a presentation on Pynchon to pull together for next Tuesday as well as my group report for Advertising due next Thursday to hammer out over the weekend.

All this, considering and acknowledging the fact that I still have two final essays to write for Pynchon & Utopias, 4000 words and 2500 words respectively.



I also have to start planning and actually booking accommodation for my upcoming Europe trip in May/June with Trina (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but where do I find time to do that in the midst of all these little itty bitty datelines??? So much to do, so little time!!

Oh and I also reallyx10 need to run and gym, majorly. I'm deteriorating into a lump of lard and I can't help but feel disgusted with the way my body has mutinied against me in spite of my constant wishing that I will not grow fat when I do work. Unfortunately, it just does not work that way, huh.
OKAY I SHALL STUDY.

Time for a nap!

Okay so I just found out that the report that was supposed to be due tomorrow is now due on Thursday.


I am now somewhat at a loss as to what I should do now. I am inclined towards studying for PR now since the test is on Weds anyway.
Or maybe I shall go for a nap. Yes, that sounds the most appealing. :)

My schedule for the next month:

My face is telling me that I'm headed for my stressful final weeks of the semester. Awful zits are popping up on my forehead and nose - telltale sign of my body automatically registering the stress-to-come. I'm trying so hard to work on the introduction of my Governance report, but it's still, after all this time, stuck at page 2! Sigh. :(

In an attempt to focus myself, I shall put my schedule of things due here.
Perhaps it will scare me into action. Heh.

Week 10
21 March (Mon): Governance 27 page project report due
23 March (Weds): PR mid-term 2

Week 11
29 March (Mon): Governance presentation
30 March (Tues): Pynchon presentation
1 April (Thurs): Advertising project report due

Week 12
6 April (Tues): PR project presentation

Week 13
12 April (Mon): Utopias final exam + 2500 word essay due
16 April (Fri): Pynchon 4000 word final essay due

Reading week
19 April (Mon): PR 6-7 page project report due


Exam week 1
26 April (Mon): PR final exam 
28 April (Weds): Governance final exam


Exam week 2
5 May (Mon): Governance final exam










I am slightly worried now. :(
My Governance report due in 2 days stands at 21 pages at the moment - and I have to type out the most important, crucial part of the report still. I still have to check citations and edit the language and phrasing of the sections my group mates have sent me, and finish up the introduction. Definitely by tonight.




Okay nevermind I will finish watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose first. 
I'm testing out my new theory that watching tv helps in my writing :P

Gotta let that go, if only for a while, though 2 is better than 1.

Now, the weekend is creeping up on us, and the day is coming to its inevitable end. No matter how I did not want the day to come to its close, the clock was relentless in its march forward, and I find myself sitting here at 1:38AM of the 20th of March, wishing it would be 1:38AM of the 19th of March all over again. So that I would have another whole day just with you to look forward to. It doesn't matter what we do, I suppose, since all we did today was our work - you with your piles of marking, and me with my very uncooperative Governance paper to write + edit - as long as we have the hours stretching out before us, together. 


Ah, I'm such a sap, aren't I? Heh.

I find myself trying to teach myself to let go gradually temporarily, cos for the next 4 weeks or so, such time together would be an utter luxury.

So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you.
& maybe two is better than one.
But there's so much time, 
to figure out the rest in my life,
& you've already got me coming undone,
& I'm thinking that two is better than one.

Even before I turn the page,

The past week has been the best week of my semester, even though I spent so many of my nights quarreling just before going to bed.

But you know what, the fact that I could spend practically every waking hour with you made it all worth while.

I'm sad that the week is about to end and the work must begin, since the Governance paper is due on Monday - but I'm so grateful for every single minute we had together and thankful that you put up with my million and one demands (although with much fight!) It's only when good things like these have to come to an end that we realize how important they are to us. To me.

We have one more day together tomorrow, and may it be a fruitful, work-filled day, at that!

I already am missing you even before next week comes by, but it's only making me cherish you all the more when I have you with me by my side for now.

Please let me not be sick thank you.

I really really hope x100 that I'm not falling sick.
My head has been feeling really heavy and cotton-woolly all of today. I could barely pay attention in lecture with the throbbing at the back of my head :/

Sigh please please please let me be not sick.
It's so important for me to be in tiptop shape this week, what with the photoshoot for my advertising project on Weds, and governance and new media report due in a week's time. :(

Thoughts on the effects of sin in my life;

In my bid to help Clem with his session tomorrow, I'm gonna reflect on the effects of sin in my life here, since this is the space where my thoughts and words flow the most freely. Funny how this should be the case, in such a public space. But while I'm typing all this down, it doesn't feel public, no; in fact, it feels more private than a pen-and-paper diary, deceptively.

So yes. Sin. I'm constantly in a state of it, hardly ever fully free of it, if at all. Try as I might to stay in a state of sinlessness, I find myself always falling into it inadvertently, in some small or big thought, word or deed. 

Everytime I sin, I break and sully more of that perfect image and likeness that God had made me in at the start. Like a mirror, becoming more and more cracked - finally distorting my reflection into something else other than what it was meant to be.

Whenever I sin, I find myself going through the same process all over again; I never get sick of doing the same thing over and over. At first, I feel guilty - awfully, gnawingly guilty. I always begin by wishing I didn't do whatever it is I did, whether it was a lie I told, someone I gossiped about, or over indulging in my shopping habit when I know I shouldn't. At this point, I'm feeling really bad about the wrongdoing that I found myself doing, so I pray and tell God that I'm sorry for being such a witch. Then, when it hits me that hey, it's done, you can't undo it, I begin to try to forget that I even did it, try to pretend it all away. I stop trying to talk to God in prayer, cos everytime I do, it just reminds me of the gaping sin: coming face to face with the perfection of God WILL remind me of my imperfections and sins. So I turn to other things in life, I try to comfort myself with material things like food, shopping and physical and mental enjoyment (like more and more sleep, and watching more and more movies), all in the effort to make me forget about the guilt I feel at knowing I've done wrong and hence being unable to face God in prayer. When this phase is over (this is usually the longest part of the internal journey), I start to try to be a good person to the people around me, hoping that my efforts and being kind and helpful and good will somehow help reduce the guilt. Of course, this usually doesn't work out and I find myself never able to fully escape from the effects of that one little sin (or that many little sins, if you will have it) in my life. And this is where I find myself crawling back to God in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where the priest is supposed to be the person of Christ - so when he tells me that my sins are forgiven, I truly feel and know that God has forgiven me, and I feel whole again, if only for that little while. The decision to go for Confession is always a long and tough one, but I always come out of it wondering why I didn't go back to God and ask for forgiveness for my sins any earlier.

Sin makes me escape, sin makes me not want to face up to what I've done. It makes me a very split, schizophrenic person, trying every which way to do everything I can do not acknowledge that I need the Divine to repair my human self, that only God who created me knows exactly how to fix me.

New layout!

Yay I am quite pleased with my new blog layout.
It took me a while to set up, but it's quite worth it! :)
I know, it's not brain surgery to apply codes taken off blogskins.com, but I'm definitely no techie expert here okay. Heh.

Back to reading Vineland before Clem comes.
Much to do, but so little time!
That's saying much, considering how I spent a large portion of today just playing with the new 550D.
Will upload random pics taken from the new baby soon, maybe sometime this weekend!

Some days I'm a super bitch

Every once a month, I wish to hell that I wasn't born female. This thing that afflicts me, God, how do I even begin to describe the pain? Clem asked me what it felt like yesterday, cos it's simply beyond him (and all guys, I suspect) to even fathom the extent of the pain that menstrual cramps put me through. So I tried to explain - and the closest, most agonizing thing that guys would be able to comprehend I could draw a comparison to, was the feeling of getting kicked in the balls every 5-10 minutes. I've been told that when one kicks a male in the gonads, he experiences a sharp, shooting pain that radiates from his crotch all the way to his stomach, leaving him feeling weak and nauseated, light-headed and seeing stars. His knees buckle from the pain, and all he can do is roll on the floor and writhe in agony. --So I've heard.

Well, all of that sounds nastily like my cramps every month, except I have to endure wave after wave of this crap  for about 8 hours in a row. It used to be a lot less painful, but as I grew older, the intensity and duration of my cramps seem to have increased exponentially. So yesterday was one of the worse bout of cramps I've experienced in a while, possibly cos I tried to stay off the painkillers the entire time until I had to go out in the evening. What it felt like, was unimaginable. My womb felt like it was being shredded to bits from inside out, and the pain left my toes curling at every wave that hit me. I was in cold sweat this entire time, leaving me in a state of intense discomfort cos I couldn't wrap myself up in my blanket without sweating even more, and couldn't take the blanket off cos I would start shivering. Everytime I sat up to try to relieve some of the pain in my abdomen, my bloated stomach, which felt like it had a gallon of liquid forced in, would squelch and contract in protest, trying to force me to throw up - which at this point, was impossible anyway since I hadn't taken anything (solid or liquid) into my body for the last 12 hours. So all I could do was clutch my abdomen and bend over into a ball - which didn't really help anyway - leaving me with no choice but to lie back down again and close my eyes so that the world would stop spinning. At this point, a mother-ass wave of pain would wash over me from abdomen all the way up to my chest... And the cycle begins again. I was like that from 12pm all the way to about 6pm when I forced myself out of bed cos Clem and I wanted to check out the IT fair at Suntec this weekend and we could only make it yesterday. Literally crawled downstairs with hands clutching at the railings, heated up the beef soup in the fridge mom had made for me for a day like this, which I knew was coming already anyway, and forced it down my throat so I could take some painkillers.

By the time 9pm came round again, the effects of the painkillers were wearing off and I felt like dying all over again. Clem was practically dragging me from the stifling crowd at the convention centre all the way to the food court at the fountain and I was about to burst into tears at my helplessness. Sigh.

Anyway. All the pain I go through every month never ceases to bring out the bitch in me, and very very unfortunately, my bitchfits often get played out with Clem as my very unfortunate, very unwitting victim. It's a very ugly sight, and I think the excuse of "it's the time of the month", while valid, is a very poor one. I shouldn't be a slave to my hormones, I'm more than a chemically controlled biological organism.

Some days I'm a super bitch,
Up to my old tricks, but it won't last forever.
Next day, I'm your super girl,
Out to save the world, and it keeps getting better.



Soon, I will revert to my supergirl alterego, when impossible is nothing and nothing is impossible. I'd do anything and everything with gusto, floating sky high into a faraway somewhere like a helium balloon a kid has inadvertently let go of into the dusky sky.


So, I have to show you what I dragged my in-much-pain self out of bed for yesterday evening.
My new Canon 550D DSLR!!

Okay, Clem's and my new DSLR. Since he bought it for us. I'm supposed to learn how to use it and teach him! It's such a beauty! And we sort of were very lucky cos we'd actually paid for the 500D, but the person had given us the 550D by accident. And we only realized after we'd left the mad rush upstairs, when we were queuing up for the freebies. By then, I was too cramped up to feel ethical and Clem was too frazzled with trying to deal with a difficult me - so we did the unethical thing and just walked away with our 550D. (There I was telling you about how my cramps bring out the bitch in me - perfect example 1.)

I'm still too gleeful over our accidental gain (the 550D costs about $200 more than the 500D, and is closer to the powerful 7D in performance with its whopping 18 megapixel capability) and spent the first hour I got up this morning playing with my - no, OUR - new toy. It even comes with a Crumpler carrying case! And, we got to buy the Speedlite270EX flash at the $119 price that customers of the 500D get to buy (but not 550D), so really, we were really lucky. (I should feel bad about now right? But not yet..)

The picture quality of the 550D is amazing!!! But, it blows up ALL my blemishes on my face cos of its precision and the power of the lens. (Only an EFS18-55 which already cost us about $200, but still way more powerful than my Sony Cybershot by 20x) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee I can foresee this baby lasting us all the way into our marriage, so all we'll need to do to upgrade this baby is to get different lenses and colour filters for different shooting capabilities. :D:D:D

Postponing my thoughts on Sacrifice & Alice

Today's talk about sacrifice and suffering by Fr Luke was a really good reminder about my self-absorption lately. When was the last time I sacrificed something, denied myself anything? (other than sleep, which I deprive myself of on a daily routine nowadays, but that's cos I'm trying to get something else which I prize even more than sleep, so I suppose this doesn't count) It's not about the sacrifice per se, it's about dying to myself more each day as I struggle to be less about me and more about God. More about that some other time, cos it's so late already, and I do still have so much to say on that.

To sidetrack a little before I go... I think my Lenten penance of not shopping is not working. :(
I've just bought myself a new top from Hollyhoque, 2 rompers from Catwalkclose, and am about to pay for 2 new bags from Tianfenlan. All in one day.

UGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Stop shopping seriously. I need to save for my Europe trip in May/June. Like seriously. I'm going to swear off blogshopping, forever. And give more tuition, perhaps. Sigh. I need to make money. And it's not as if I have so much time on my hands, either. I'm still trying my best to be a relatively good student instead of an all-star shitty one. For eg: I have no clue about what's going in my Pynchon class, I have skipped 5 consecutive Advertising lectures, and have a stinking feeling I did badly for my Utopias test. I'm very sadly average for my PR module after the recent mid-term 1 (wth is up with these mid-term that comes in 2 parts?! >:(((

The only bright side to all of this is that I seem to have topped my class in the recent Advertising mid-term, with 18.4/20. Highest mark is - guess what - 18.4. Mwahahahahahaha!
But that is the only thing I think I'll be able to gloat over this semester. And not forgetting, that it was an MCQ test. But still, having the highest marks in a class of 140 is a pretty awesome feeling. :D:D I shall bask in my happiness for a while (which I feel I don't really fully deserve, but heck, beggars can't be choosers at this point right, so I should take whatever good performances with two happy hands and be very very grateful, which I really am) before I tackle my readings for the weekend. Ben chmarks for the weekend are to complete 1984 so that I can start planning for my comparison Utopias essay, read my two e-campaigning articles so I can start on the intro of that report, start crapping something that even remotely resembles a piece of art up for David Teh's yoyo-ing exercise, and try to start on Vineland. I have given Gravity's Rainbow up for dead at this point, cos I no longer even enjoy trying to read it.

And, I shall talk about my thoughts on Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in my next post or so, which I caught in 3D tonight with Clem. I have a lot to say about Alice cos I loved the book when I read it for the 19th c module under Susan Ang (her enthusiasm for the book is really infectious, as you can tell)..

Okay time to go to bed, I have tuition tomorrow morning before I go to meet Rita (!!!!) and the exchange gang to show her around before she leaves.

Be Italian!

Clem and I went to watch Nine last night on a complete whim, and boy was it good! Who cares about the bad reviews it received (I went online to check how critics rated it and I found mostly 6-7 stars out of 10 ratings) - I was thoroughly entertained. And I think shows like these always make me fall in love with Europe all over again, based on a representation I receive through the silver screen. Kinda silly, but happens too often with me.




I like this version of the movie poster particularly, cos it's pretty much telling of the text-within-a-text (screen-within-a-screen, if you want to nitpick) kinda thing going on.

When I watched Paris 36, I wanted to go to Paris so badly, experience some of that romantic atmosphere that everyone raves about - and I am in June, now!
When I watched Vicki Cristina Barcelona, I was totally taken in by the city of Barcelona - and I also find myself planning to go there while in Europe in June.
Now, after watching Nine, I find myself wanting to go to Milan or someplace or other in Italy.

I am weak-willed and easily swayed, it seems. Heh.



But Nine was, for me, all kinds of wonderful, Partly cos of the exuberant song and dance routines (okay granted, the songs weren't the best, but I'm a sucker for glamour which the show was filled to the brim with, with postcard-like shots throughout the movie).







And I loved the ending, which I will not divulge here cos I don't want to spoil the ending for those who still intend to catch the show but haven't yet. But go soon though, cos it's run is ending already!! Only the weird times left on weekends (early evening), and it's only shown in the smaller theatres now, not the full-sized ones.

Be Italian
Take a chance & try to steal a fiery kiss.
Be Italian,
When you hold me don't just hold me but hold this.

Please be gentle, sentimental.
Go ahead & try to give my cheek a pat.
But be daring, & uncaring
When you try to pinch me try to pinch me where there's fat!


Be a singer
Be a lover
Pick the flower now before the chance is past


Be Italian
Be Italian
Live today as if it may become your last!

I know you won't.

Major case of earworm, after I heard Carrie Underwood's I Know You Won't on the bus home this afternoon on my iPod.
Might be the tune, which really tugs at my heartstrings. Or might be the lyrics, which the emo shit side of me is always drawn to. We never grow out of emoness, do we.

Everytime I use the word "emo" on myself, I can't help but feel like I'm consciously trivializing the onset of my emotions. I don't know why, maybe it's cos I look back at all that's happened in the past and can't help but wish like hell it could all be attributed to being "just emo" - & young & stupid. I hate looking back, it's like peering into a glass darkly, cos I can't be sure what exactly happened anymore. Time seems to subjectivize my memories, and erode even the most upsetting, traumatizing, fit-inducing bits into a flat, boring blip. I just can't seem to remember, and while I would have given anything years ago when I was wallowing in all my self-made misery to be at this point now, where I've begun to forget - I'm struggling to hold on to anything that would help me reconstruct some of that darkness that I've walked out from. I feel so alienated from that memory now, it could be a storyline right out of a Korean drama and it I couldn't even identify the experience as mine. I'm never happy, am I. I created my own shit, glorified in swimming in it, and refused to be saved. Then now when I am at my safe place, I try to transport myself back to that past cos I feel so cheated that I have forgotten, I feel as if I've trivialized the entire issue by allowing myself to forget. (And I have.)

Maybe I trivialize all of that intentionally. Maybe I did it in the last few years that went by, so that I would be at this point when I'm so disconnected from it all, unconcerned, even. Perhaps "upset" would be the wrong emotion to use in this case to describe my feelings at realizing the extent to which I've forgotten. More like disappointed in myself, cos I've denied the importance of everything in my process of coping and healing. Ohwell. We win some, and we lose some - & hopefully it's not the things that really matter that we lose in our bartering with life.


Maybe I liked the song so much and it's stuck in my head now cos I can somewhat identify with it - or could have, anyway.

I know you don't mean to be mean to me
Cos when you want to, 
you can make me feel like we belong
We belong.


Lately you make me feel all I am, is a back-up plan.
I say I'm done and then you smile at me,
and I forget everything I said.


I buy into those eyes
And into your lies.


You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you




You say you'll call, but I know you won't.






Tonight, I mourn for the me I cannot recreate in my memory, and I feel sad for the me I can sort of remember somewhat muddily and very unfaithfully inaccurately in my head. For, if time were not linear as I was taught in secondary school physics, but is instead, circular, a concept I've been more and more exposed to as I read my lit books - the idea of sequentiality as I know it would not be as it is, and the me I pity for everything I cannot remember might be the me of tomorrow yet again with a different set of cause-effect factors. Cos right now, from my safe-place vantage point, I shudder and am terrified to think of the possibility of ever returning to the darkness and utter despondence of that time, even if it were brought about by something totally different. As much as I try to talk big and act as though I'm free - I think that I am only beginning to realize that I'm living my life in fear of rejection, callousness, and broken promises.


The fall from a little slice of heaven back to earth, is, afterall, going to be that much more painful and difficult to bear.



credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyterasaki/3637716327/

On the precipice of losing control over my spending

Woe is me!

I just discovered a blogshop that sells bags in all shapes and sizes, and I foresee myself spending more money sooner rather than later :(:(

Seeing how I am quite fed-up with school at the moment, too.

Probably PMS-ing a fair bit at the moment, none of which helps keep my urge to spend ridiculous amounts of money on items I don't really need but instead, just want quite badly.




And really, some people can be so childish. Hello, grow up already? Are we still in primary school?
And, incompetence in any manner annoys me like hell to no end.

Oh, and today is a ridiculously sweltering day. I just checked the weather on google and I am not looking forward to 35deg celsius days the next two days.



Have I said this yet? -I am grouchy grrrrrrrrr

I am slightly superficial

I have written 500 words for the intro of my 2000 word essay, and I am still rather undecided if I should attempt to get up tomorrow morning at the utterly ridiculous time of 7.30am for my Utopias seminar at 10am.

All things considered, I am fairly inclined towards dragging myself out of bed and forcing a cup of coffee down my throat to wake me up somewhat. After all, I have skipped the last 3 weeks of my Utopias seminar and I am actually feeling all sorts of guilty just thinking about it. Guilty, and friggin' frightened cos I don't know what the hell is going on. My intention was to resume attendance for that from week 7 onwards, but I'm not sure if that would cost me my mid-term grade or not.

However, considering the fact that I have another 1500 words of my Pynchon essay to churn out by Tuesday, on top of the 150 word summary I need to produce for my PR issue tracking assignment - I may just stay in tomorrow to get all that work done.

Sigh. I am really rather undecided.


That aside. I just bought myself a new dress from lilypirates, which made me momentarily happy cos it was so much like the dress I was admiring on Serena from Gossip Girl when I was browsing through gossipgirlfashion.net. :)


Ta-dah!!






Isn't it a beauty??

Such a pretty addition to my wardrobe!! *gleeful*
The original piece that Serena wears is a piece from Blumarine's Spring/Summer 2006 collection.
Just a different colour, but the mint green is just as pretty and I'm getting it at just a fraction of a fraction of the original price :) :)



I was stoked for all of 5 seconds then I realised I had to pull some huge-ass stunt for my Pynchon essay and I got all depressed all over again. That, and I also remembered that my cupboard is really and truly bursting at the hinges and got even more mopey. I need to throw out half my entire wardrobe pronto, and I really want to take all my stuff down to the flea to sell off. Sigh. I could just sell my pre-loved stuff online, but I don't really have the time to take photos of my stuff at the moment.. Maybe in 8 weeks' time when all this madness has died down somewhat.


Okay and you know what, I still haven't decided if I should wake up for 10am Utopias tomorrow or not. And I also have not decided if I should get the Aldo stuff or not. Bah.

I am a very distracted (and sleepy) girl.

On one hand, I am trying to hammer out at least some semblance of an introduction for my Pynchon essay - if only to ease my sluggishly frazzled mind a bit.

On the other, I am also veryvery distracted by these items from Aldo which I am contemplating purchasing.





The afternoon heat is sapping away my energy. I can't seem to do either of these very simple tasks.
Urghhh :(

Gravity's Rainbow

My one week of legit break is almost over, and I am really quite screwed considering my workload this semester. I know, I promised to try to not whine in this space, butbutBUT - I can't help it!! My 2000 word Pynchon essay has not even begun to exist at this point as I type all this in, and this is very happily due on Tuesday by the way. I have a grand total of 3 other papers I need to start to work on, seeing how none of my groups are even slightly motivated to start anything, which just means I have to start divvying up parts of the report for each of us to concentrate on. I also have to read 2 books for my utopias class, which I have seemingly neglected over the last month or so, since the mid-term is in week 7, a mere 2 weeks from now. All that aside, I also have to start to read a lot more so that I will have an inkling of what I want to write about for my 2500 word utopia essay, and the 4000 word Pynchon essay that's worth a whopping 50% of my total grade for the class.

ARGH. And Chinese New Year doesn't even seem to be properly past yet!!! Ridiculous.
So much work to do, so little time. I am wondering if this is due to yet another semester of bad planning, or whether it's just that - a f*ckload of work that nevernever ends.

Whatever it is, two things I am absolutely certain of. Firstly, my urge to shop increases exponentially with the amount of work I am facing, and thus the frequency to spend money with a bit more wild abandon. Secondly, the arc of the rainbow shows me that nothing can escape from the forces of gravity; everything that goes up will come down at some point or the other, every tendency toward order will precipitate the onset of a certain kind of disorder somewhere else - the trajectory of the arc of the rainbow tells me that, just like the curve of the Poisson distribution. So what this really tells me is that as I strive to put the shambles of my school life into some semblance of order, this will result in disorder in some other aspect of my life, unavoidably. So I have to ready myself for the onset of chaos cos entropy is the natural state of things, & in the greater scheme of things, there will always be a tendency towards a larger disorder in spite of the little clumps of order that only seem to form some sort of pattern.

AHEAD:

Could one move forward by walking backwards?
Reach the sky by falling down.
Stop time, freeze it
See the world in my crystal ball.
The lamp flickers as I run by
Velvet wings of a bat
Moonshine that turns into sunshine
In the blink of an eye.

I know of someone who used to reach for the stars
Think nothing,
Completing that song in her heart.
Optimism brimming over in a wisp of fairy dust
Caressing, stroking, murmuring a lullaby -

Snap,
the neck of a frightened quail.












Oh, & I know not a very good note to end off with, but happy CNY dear friends :)

"Will you be my Valentine?"

I think Clem reads my blog (even though he never comments), cos tonight we actually went out and did something! It was the best Friday I had in a very long time, and I didn't want to go home. Aw I sound all teenagey all over again, suddenly hahaha.

Valentine's Day after tuition - it was actually a pretty good movie, and I enjoyed it, even though the papers panned it in the review sections. Reminded me a lot of Love Actually, which I watched when I was like what, 16? Funny how V Day  made me all warm & fuzzy over a day I never really believed in outwardly. Of course, I've secretly always sort of wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day, especially when I was single and saw the stream of in-love couples walking in the malls on the day itself. Made me want to get a boyfriend to spend the day with. Now that I'm actually in a relationship and there's actually someone to spend the day with, I never really had any burning desire to celebrate by buying into the whole commercialism of the thing (hence the skyhigh prices of practically anything fit for consumption/enjoyment on every 14 Feb).

Curiouser & curiouser!





But watching movies like that always make me momentarily forget my ire with the mechanism of mass production of culture - Valentine's Day included - and makes me wish I could have a bouquet of flowers delivered to wherever I am with a card asking me: "Will you be my Valentine?"

I never had the chance to say yes.

6 resolutions for CNY to rid myself of dependency

I've been one messed up ball of emotions the past week. The mid-terms took a lot out of me - you know how I don't settle for mediocrity. So I pushed myself like hell, studying as if it were finals. The PR paper went terribly terribly badly, and I got my period in the morning of the paper to top it all off, so I am pissed off with myself there. Slept my entire Wednesday afternoon away, just so I would feel better so I wouldn't disappoint Clem by being not able to go for his steamboat reunion dinner thingy at Crystal Jade.

That all being said and done...
And I'm beginning to hate my dependence on you. I'm trying so hard to not need your constant presence and support, but it's taking so much out of me. This semester, I've been feeling like a fish out of water, what with my heavy new media module-load tipping my academic equilibrium slightly. My parents have been uncommonly agitated and antsy too (and I put that down to them only having one daughter at home to fuss about now), and life in the house has been horrid to the point of unbearable lately. My one comfort is knowing that you'll always be there for me - and when I realise that that's increasingly not possible on school days now, I'm beginning to panic a bit.

Sigh. I sound so self-centred, I hate it. I know that our relationship isn't all about you being here for me and showering me with attention all the time, I know that it's a bit of give and take all the time. I don't really know what I should do from here. This is precisely why I never wanted to get too vulnerable, never wanted to let my guard down at all. I was so stupid about falling into some sort of dependency issue here that has all the qualities of parasitism at the moment: I just can't do this anymore.

I need to tell myself that I don't need you around to walk my hard roads with me - you've got enough on your plate as it is since you begun work. I need to learn to deal with it, to suck everything up and just breathe on my own, and everything will be fine, just like I used to be able to cope. I need to stop looking forward to empty weekends that we both just spend catching on on precious sleep, no more of the irresponsibility of capricious weekend gallivanting, trawling malls and having endless lunches/dinners/suppers, watching movie after movie. I need to stop needing to hear your voice just to fall asleep - I need to be able to put myself to sleep without anyone's help. I need to stop all this bullshit because I hate feeling helpless and weak.


So some resolutions I have made that should help me be in more control of my life again:
1. I will not press you to talk to me night after night anymore, when clearly all you want and need is sleep. A simple, short "good night" will suffice.
2. I will not look forward to having fun on weekends again, when clearly all you want and need again - is to catch up on rest. I will, instead, channel all my energy into my work, as it should have been from the start anyway.
3. I will not let you buy anything for me ever again, simply because I don't think I should be letting you waste your money on me and my indulgences.
4. Whenever I feel like crying (like now, actually), I will not hurry to pick up my phone and dial your number anymore. I must deal with my own emotions because I can.
5. I will not tolerate bullshit from anyone anymore, including too-nice attempts to be nice to Toadette - because I will not be a hypocrite and try to be nice to someone I clearly do not like for very many reasons. I do not like people who wallow in their own self-pity and insecurities, because I hate it when I do it myself and I expect you to hate it of yourself too. Everyone is, after all, insecure and broken to large extents, so I'm starting to be weary of your thinly veiled attempts at sympathy/attention/sheer stupidity and retardedness, playing the "oh look at me I'm so insecure" card. Enough bullshit. Reason, yes. Excuse, no - sorry. If you want me to go on and elaborate about why I think I'm "broken", go read my previous blog.
6. I will spend all my energy being a nerd, finishing up all my reading and beginning on any of my 3 reports. That way, I won't bug you.




Looks like a cheery list of CNY resolutions. I clearly have issues and I clearly have not grown out of my emo-ness. HA.

If you can't fix it... don't break it.

I DO NOT FEEL LIKE STUDYING FOR PR AT ALL.

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhh :( :( :(
I'm doing every single thing 'cept study. I'm not the student I used to be.

How numb I am beginning to feel.

I must keep at this with dignity & grace,

even though everything seems so bleak & bland.

It's always the hardest on the eve.

Down the rabbit hole I go..

Clem has said that I do nothing but whine lately in my posts, so I shall try not to do that this time round.
Believe me, I didn't intend to do nothing but complain! It's just that the last week or so has been an insane rush for me, what with the sudden realization of the not one but two mid-terms were about to beset me, and the panic brought about by the beginning of all my projects. I was and am overwhelmed, majorly. And even now, I'm blogging on stolen time, seeing how I'm so frightfully behind on my studying for both mid-terms, both within a day of each other (wtf rawr).

Having had a tumultuous weekend, I find myself coming out of it bruised, scarred, and limping. I said many many hurtful things I should have, and in return, have heard many other hurtful things hurled back at me. I saw someone snap a plastic pen in a flash of rage, felt unwanted and unloved for the first time in a longest time ever. Nonetheless, with the weekend fast behind me, I turn to face the oncoming week. Bring it on, I say. Hurl everything you've got at me, you'll find that it all won't suffice to break me. (Oh gosh am I tempting fate?)


Sometimes, I forget what it's like to not be ambitious, to not keep wanting to achieve and attain and shine. I'm addicted to that, the feeling of accomplishing something, anything. It all drives me to keep pushing myself, harder and harder - and it makes the failure all the harder, too. That's not even to say I'm some superstar achiever or anything like that, far from it. I guess I'm just doing all I can to stave away mediocrity, which I detest. It's the same principle as my decision to only wear fricking high heels, or else - flats. I don't wear kitten heels or anything less than 4 inches; I don't do in-betweens very well. Yes I know, this is something I've repeated to death already, but it's something I cling on to ever-so-tightly. That being said, I have a million things I want to do, and I daresay now's the right time to get them all done with my can-do attitude at the mo'. I reckon I'll be deflated in a couple of days - just a regular blimp on my schedule if you know what I mean, so now's the time, more than ever.

I've got manymany books to read, a blogshop to re-open, and my body to lick back into shape.
So down the rabbit hole I go, not knowing what waits for me at the end of the long fall.

epic fail day

It's a Thursday night, I am studying for my mid-terms, and I am kinda sick of stating the obvious. Now it suddenly becomes clear again to me why I chose to major in literature and not new media: the mugging is something I abhorred and abhor.

I do not think successful people in advertising can tell me the 4 key components of the marketing and promotions process model - nor do I think I will be able to tell you that come May after I no longer have any use for such information. But I have to try to squeeze all of this into my brain before Tuesday, and I'm a bit skeptical about how it's gonna happen.


Why is it that we're always stuck doing what we ought to and not entirely what we want? Is that a condition of life per se, hence I am making entirely too big a fuss over nothing, really - or is that something that shouldn't be? I can't decide, just as I cannot decide how I should best slay this huge dragon which is the business of studying for my mid-terms next week.

Mid-terms in week 5 are, by the way, an entirely ridiculous affair on several counts. "Mid-term" suggests the middle of the term. The term, being 13 weeks long in total, would have as its mid-point somewhere between weeks 6 and 7. Because week 5 does not in any way fall within that week 6-7 window, I therefore conclude that labelling such stupid tests as "mid-terms" is a falsification and therefore, the notion should be rejected due to its illogicity. Damn if only NUS could read this train of thought. More stellar than any of my efforts at mugging have been thus far, I must say.

Speaking of stellar - today was a spectacularly epic fail day. I woke up late, rushed to get to school on time, realised I forgot to bring my wallet, fell asleep in front of the tv of Clem's living room while I was supposed to be getting ready for my first run this week. I am an utter failure today, and today was shiteous. May tomorrow be everything today wasn't. Thankyou.


I am going to plop on my bed to read the remaining 10 pages of chapter 2 of advertising. I am hoping that a change of location would help this dismal endeavour somehow. Something tells me I'm neglecting PR, btw. ROAR.

I think I've hit my quota of the sem for retarded year 1s.

I have some major issues in my life. And I am only beginning to face up to them, one by one, painfully.

I think it's time to face up to the fact that... I am addicted to shopping. I am fricking addicted!!! I shop and shop and shop for nothing in particular, and it's not even as if I can wear everything I buy right now. I keep telling myself that I'm buying this dress for work, stocking up, you know, that sort of thing. But obviously, when I actually start working, I'll shop for a whole new wardrobe all over again anyway. So, what the hell am I doing?! Sigh. Bonitochico is seriously one money-sucking blackhole. I cannot cannot keep checking for new collections - cos everytime they launch, I get stuff. I just spent $85.50 on 3 items, and I am eyeing another 4 items. Royally screwed right. How, I need to control myself. And throwing myself into work isn't helping either cos I'm so distracted. Maybe I should disable my internet.


I also think it's time for me to realize that school has finally started, horrible fact of life that may be. I seem to be deluded in my attempts to evade anything school related, and I find myself suddenly thrust into the horrifying fact that next week is week 5, and I have two bloody mid-terms next week. LIKE HELLO, SCHOOL JUST BEGUN. :( :( :( :( :( :( And I discover to my horror x20 that I have a 2000 word essay due in 3 weeks' time, just after CNY. Why am I such a horrible student this semester? I have zero motivation, zero drive, zero anything. I just want to while my life away at home in bed. Speaking of bed. I haven't had enough of my beloved bed since wretched school begun. I hop out of bed at 720am (lately I've been bad at that but that's just temporary I promise), and hop back into bed only past 12am most nights. Like tonight. I'm staying up doing random things like downloading sound card drivers hoping hoping hoping that sound will be restored on my lappie. I need to get the sound up by the week after CNY for the 2nd Life tutorial I'm supposed to attend then. I absolutely REFUSE to go back to sch to sit in the computer lab like a pathetic fool just so I can attend my 2nd Life tutorial. I will even attend it without sound FROM MY HOME if I have to, just have to muddle along and pretend I have sound or some shit.


And today I met this supremely annoying ignorant year 1 English Language major. Such a prick omg. He said to me rather casually: "I heard you EN majors have it so much easier than us EL majors."


WTF!!!!!! Like seriously are you a nitwit?!


I don't go around telling that to TS majors, nor do I do that to EL majors. We're supposed to be "one big happy family" in the English Language and Literature Department, you dimwit!!!! Obviously, this poor chap is not going to last very long for very well in NUS, being such a dullard and downright dumb. But I was seething at his trite comment! Felt SO MUCH LIKE SOCKING HIM. First violent tendency in 2010 woohoo. Sweetheart, your preconceived notion of more difficult = better is sadly sadly outdated, and belongs in the attic. Furthermore, you're a puny year 1, so it does come across as fairly presumptious when you claim such things fecklessly. What do you know of how "easy" literature is? Especially when you follow your comment with something so appallingly DIM: "I don't like literature cos I don't like to think of stories as literature, as being written by someone." What bloody stage of pre-pubescence are you stuck in? Why do you still assume that stories just happened, that no one had to make them up? Sigh.


DUMBASS.



My driver is still downloading. Sigh. I need to sleep soon so I can wake up early. Gotta crack that advertising text open for the first time this entire sem.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

3 weeks into the semester and I'm both loving and hating it. I never have a simple reaction to any one thing, & it's pretty annoying, I must admit. But school... Ah. I have such a love-hate relationship with school and studying, I don't even know where to begin! I absolutely abhor travelling to school on the 857-151 bus route in the mornings at 8.30am, detest waking up at 7.30 in the morning, do not like trudging to school for just that 1 or 2 hours - I like to pack my days so I get the most out of them. I am starting to panic over the amount of reading that's piling up: Pynchon is an absolute bitch to read, and I'm a bit worried (okay understatement there) about what I'm even gonna write for my 1st essay on that. Not too worried about utopia & dystopia, rather enjoying it, really. But the NM modules are posing a bit of a worry to me cos of the massive projects they involve. I'm never the best at project work. :(

Mondays are my most exhausting days cos I'm in school from 10am-8pm, then Tuesdays come close on the "tiring" scale with 10am-4pm back-to-back classes. Wednesdays and Thursdays are the what I hate the most cos I only have a lecture from 10am-12pm on Weds, and beat this: a 2pm-3pm tutorial slot on Thursday. WTF RIGHT.

Sigh I have to go start cooking the purely experimental olive fried rice for the potluck I was supposed to be at tonight. I didn't mean to just whine in this post today, but I have no time for anything else, but.

I am also very irritated with my computer's seemingly non-existent sound card. This has meant I have not watched Gossip Girl, Big Bang Theory, or ANTM since last November/December, nor have I listened to any songs from my iTunes. Majorly irritating, but I have to do something about that real soon. Before the really dumb 2nd Life tutorial I'm gonna have to attend in Feb for one of my NM modules. 

May 2010 be as beautiful as 2009 has been.

HAPPY 2010 TO ALL YOU LOVELY PEOPLE WHO'RE READING THIS RIGHT NOW! :)

Kinda belated, but it's never too late for well wishes, I've been told. :)
2009 was an eventful year in more ways than one, and I wouldn't have traded any of what my year was for anyone else's experience of 2009. I got to travel with Clem my love in the US of A and Canada, experience living life all by myself in a totally different environment, really touch and walk through snow, and live through winter, take a road trip up the East coast of Canada from Guelph to Quebec city and back again, suffer through a painful semester of harsh NUS academic reality, get proposed to way beyond my wildest most romantic dreams.

No siree, wouldn't trade any of these for the world. Not even the countless screaming matches I had with my parents, cos all of those just made me all the more self-aware and made me realise my own faults more than anything else. I'm bad as well as quick tempered, hugely annoyingly hyperbolic when I'm hopping mad, and I do recognise my propensity for petulance and my-way-or-the-highway sort of behaviour. I'm selfish - try as I may not to be, very messy and careless, and have a huge weakness for buying new clothes, shoes and bags every so often.

You may be wondering why I've chosen to write about my own irrepressible awfulness for my 1st post of the new year - but I'm not sadistic nor am I pessimistic about my upcoming year, given my million and one personal faults. Rather, what I am doing now is acknowledging myself for who I really am, and with that knowledge, try to behave contrary to my natural tendencies in the upcoming year. I'm not saying I'll be a changed person just by wanting to be, but I do want to not be so horrid a person, that I really do.

I want to be less mean-spirited, critical and petty. I want to be more giving, loving, and generous. I do not want to live my life constantly disliking something or someone or the other - it's a painful way to live life. Hate only consumes oneself, it does nothing to the person you hate on. The head knows but the self finds it difficult to stop hating and keep loving.

I want to be more driven in my schoolwork because I know there's so much more I can offer. I was determined not to languish in pathetic second-lower class honours mediocrity, and I still am - though I am tending towards resignation of my undeniable lackadaisical academic standing. This upcoming sem, I will write my Honours Thesis on the function of fantasy in children's literature, and I am absolutely determined not to shortchange myself with my laziness. I will be disciplined in my reading and writing, and I will begin tomorrow.

I also want to clear out all the junk in my room and sell off the clothes in my wardrobe I no longer wear. Even if I only make 10 bucks per piece, I wouldn't mind. My messy room is really killing me, clutter is making me feel suffocated.


Last but not least, I am fricking determined to finally get into shape. 2010 will be the year when I am no longer lethargic, flabby, and fat. I've been running and going to the gym 5 out of the last 7 days, and I feel so much better and more alive at this point. It's more than just vanity that makes me want to exercise, though I have to admit that wanting to keep my figure is a huge motivator. I need my mind to learn discipline and tenacity for my final year in uni - I cannot let myself leave university with nary a fizzle come December 2010.

May 2010 be as beautiful as 2009 has been. :)
I'm a very blessed girl.