SHREWWWW.

i am actually doing work today. but seeing how this assignment's due on friday but i have not yet read Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew - which, i discovered to my horror requires my reading of it to do my paper - i am slightly distressed.

YES EVEN THOUGH I AM ON EXCHANGE AND CAN S/U EVERYTHING. 

argh.

overslept, shit.

i need to sleep earlier, clearly. i slept right through my alarm this morning and only got up at 11am, missing two of my morning classes even though i had every intention of not skipping any more school unless absolutely necessary.

ughhh. :(

so since my next class is at 130pm, i find myself here frantically typing my response paper for tomorrow's class, which i want to get printed by today so i won't have to worry about it tomorrow morning. i hate not having a printer. i hate 10cents a page photocopying. it's absolutely retarded.

grocery shopping day today though. i hope it doesn't rain. cos i have a ton of things to get.

i don't feel like blogging anymore.

there has been so little desire to blog lately that i am contemplating just stopping this blog for the time being. my days seem to fly by without any notice, and i'm left grappling for more time day after day. even though i seem to do absolutely nothing with my time, looking at the amount of reading i have in wait for me.

that could perhaps be attributed to my travelling. and speaking of travelling, i just came back from Chicago on Sunday night. all these little getaways are what's keeping me sane. a part of me absolutely cannot wait to get back home to Singapore, but another part of me just wants to keep travelling and travelling. and travelling. 

schoolwork seems so unimportant to me right now. which is not good. i have really a tonne of work to do, and if i were in the same academic situation back home in Singapore, i would be tearing my hair out at this point and wailing about how i am stressed and distressed, etcetcetc. being very fortunately not in NUS at this point in time, having a response paper due on Thursday, a take-home test due on Friday, an essay draft due the following Tuesday, another essay due the Wednesday of that week, and a presentation on Thursday to round up my exciting next two weeks of school - i am still unperturbed by the thought of all these. welll, not totally, but the impetus to do any sort of work comes very very rarely here.

i do have to say though, that i am thoroughly sick of trying to keep myself alive on my cooking. i hate cooking, i hate thinking about what to eat, i never realised how utterly useless i'd be in situations where food is not readily buyable ie: here. i've been eating bread, biscuits, and whatever else i managed to scavenge from my snack store since coming back from NYC. well, and instant noodles too. i don't think macaroni and cheese really counts as a proper meal too. sigh. i am thoroughly sick of ANY kind of pasta and i refuse to eat any of it until January 2010. okay, i ought to qualify: i refuse to eat any kind of pasta that i cook. i am a bad cook. so bad that i make myself sick of my cooking. :(

and, the shopping bug has bitten me and hasn't stopped biting me since i got here. 

i need to clear out half my wardrobe when i get back home to accommodate the new stuff i bought here. and, i need to sell my wardrobe. ughhhh i am so swamped with all these mundane things that schoolwork seems to unimportant in relation. weirdly.

OKAY. back to reading the essay i'm supposed to do a response paper on. Spiller's Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe. it's NOT an easy read, i'd much rather be reading Margaret Atwood's Alias Grace or Jean Genet's The Maids right now - but both of these are just things i have to read by my final exam. and these are just two out of something like 7 books that i have read half-way and have to finish in 4 weeks. i am thoroughly screwed, and yet, the prospect doesn't make me feel like i ought to be bludgeoned by something for my laziness. 

being on exchange is truly wonderful, in that aspect. teehee.

you took my heart away.

so after all's been said and done, all i really want is for you to be here with me.

all the travelling, all the shopping, all the living i'm doing, - it's nothing without you.

i miss you so.

staring at the moon so blue

turning all my thoughts to you.

after having come back from Quebec City, Montreal and New York during reading week, i find myself about to take off from Guelph again - this time to Chicago.

WOOHOO. :D

this is the reason why i am here for exchange, and i am starting to love every minute of it.

i need to see places, satiate my appetite to be everywhere, feel my soul expand.

the one thing i am sad over though, is the loss of Clem's ipod. :( 

alrighty i shall post pictures of my Montreal, Quebec City, New York trip soon. 

i hate this so much, you have no idea. 

cos every raindrop is like summertime

so i fell in love and then, i fell in love. 

i always wonder if you will remember me, if you do remember me. i never want to see you walk away from me again. cos when the stars shine and the moon beams peak through my curtain, i see in my mind's eye every second that replays in my head, things that i hold on to precariously. it's as though i know if i let them go, i'll fall over into the abyss, freewheeling, always falling. 

sometimes i wonder, if this is right. can something be so right that it feels wrong? or, can something be so wrong that it feels so right?

there are all those times when i dream, and i fly. dream of all the things to come, things that could have been, things that will never ever be. the things that have yet to come are the happiest scenes, the things that are are met with mixed emotions, the things that could have been are those that i hate the most. mostly because i wish i never wished for them before.

because every raindrop is like summertime, and every snowflake is one step closer to spring.

cheater illness.

i feel like i've just awoken from a long, foggy sleep. my fever is very fortunately, gone. however, i must confess i feel somewhat cheated because my illness has not kept me bed-ridden for long enough for me to do any substantial amount of reading.

so because i no longer feel like i'm dying, i am able to sit up and.. do absolutely time-wasting things on my laptop, like watch Winter Sonata and Gossip Girl. and facebook. and hit the refresh button on my gmail hoping that i'd get some interesting mail.

and, i'm hungry.

i am sick dammit.

i have no words to describe my misery now, because my body is just not cooperating with me. just when i decide to pull up my socks and show some Interest in my lessons, i fall the sickest i've been in a long time. wth right.

how ironic it is that i took a flu jab right before coming, and here i am, sick with possibly the very thing i paid to prevent. that however, would be a good thing. i'm crossing my fingers that i haven't been struck by a bout of stomach flu, mostly because my stomach feels so fricking queasy and my head won't stop spinning. and i keep wanting to puke.

Sleep Day

so because i've fallen ill and because my throat, head and body all aches simultaneously, i am going to declare today Sleep Day and i shall not touch any of my readings until i am well again.

... how very convenient this seems to sound.

this sunday afternoon

time has really flown by - i'm already on the brink of the 6th week of school and the winter break. i'm amazed at how time has really gone by so quickly, the days seem to blend into each other into a haze of activity and inevitably, physical tiredness. (and so do the purchases, it seems!) 

i spent the afternoon downtown today with Aisyah and Rita after Mass at 11am, and i thought i'd get back early to take a nap or whatever before catching Twilight at 8pm with Aisyah - but that plan failed so miserably. we ended up going halfway around town to Walmart and spent far too long there just running along the aisles and being amused at too many things for very poor reasons. heh. i am going to swear off shopping for the next month, because i am FAR too broke. and i have come to the extremely painful realization that i am, indeed, a shopaholic. i just need to buy things or i'd feel unsettled and unsatisfied with the day. it's ridiculous. so, all this spending has to stop. for the next month or so. by which time, it'd be about time to come home anyway. 

on the upside though, i'm rather happy with my buys this weekend. especially the shoes. :) three pairs for less than 20 bucks! beat that, Mondo-of-the-painful-ballet-flats. teehee. i am happy. but, i have spent far too much on nail polish. which i have decided to cart back with me to Singapore by hook or by crook now.

speaking of home. it would appear that i'm coming home early. i'm in two minds about it, but my feelings towards an early flight home are mostly of the positive nature rather than negative. the only thing i can complain about is the missing out on my friends' month-long roadtrip to Vancouver, Seattle, California, Boston, Chicago and i can't remember where else. i figure i would come back to these places one day anyway, whereas Special Sem beckons tantalizingly, dangling the carrot of a slightly early departure from University before me. so because i am a good daughter who wishes to help her parents save some money, AND because i doubt i'll have any money left over to travel happily in May anyway, i am going home in mid April, pushing my later exams even earlier so i can get back on time for Angel and Matthew's wedding.

i feel like taking a nap. but it's already 7pm so that doesn't seem like such a good idea cos 930am class tomorrow morning beckons. sigh. i am such a bad student here that it's not funny. i have to get more interested in my work soon. where has all the passion gone?

because i like to reveal facets of me.

10 things you should know about me:

1. i like to think of my life in terms of songs. as in, i constantly try to see my life unfold with a soundtrack.

2. i am a romantic at heart.

3. i am an insanely jealous person, so beware of my claws.

4. i bear grudges. forever.

5. i am extremely lazy when the mood strikes me. i can laze around in bed for days on end doing absolutely nothing except watching shows on my laptop and reading in bed.

6. i love reading. i want to read all the books in the world before i die.

7. i love looking pretty. hence my incredulous amount of clothes/shoes/bags/make-up products.

8. i want to write and publish a novel at least once in my life.

9. i suspect i like to make myself feel sad every once in a while.

10. i love hard. always.

i hate old english with every fibre of my body.

i'm in an absolutely rotten mood now, because i have two tests tomorrow and i am prepared for none of them. i don't understand my lacklustreness, and utter lack of interest in anything other than sleeping. perhaps i'm trying to find my footing in this not-so-new-environment, and i'm constantly slipping and hitting brick walls, and all this is causing me to lose interest in what i used to love. Old English is absolutely killing my love for anything English, and i am starting to think it is in my best interests to drop the stupid class and stop worrying over it. what is stopping me, however, is my pride - because i don't want to feel like i'm dropping it cos i can't do it. i hate feeling inadequate in anything, but this retarded class which requires me to memorize stupid nouns in their stupid genders is really killing me because my brain hasn't been forced to memorize anything in such detail since A-levels, which was 3 fricking years ago. i keep telling myself that i don't have to prove anything to anybody, so just drop the stupid class if it's killing me. but something's stopping me from doing it, and i wish i just had the guts to say enough's enough. i am thoroughly unprepared for the test tomorrow though, so i think if i fail that one spectacularly, i might be forced to drop it anyway, because it's not worth the effort.

omg i've wasted an hour whining abt all this, and i haven't even touched my nouns to memorize. shootmenow, please. ugh. :(

Old English is bad.

omg i'm so failing Old English. i dunno how on earth i'm going to pull through this one. i'm doing so bloody badly! it's ridiculous. my brain hasn't memorized things since i left JC. and in this class, i'm memorizing tables of nouns, pronouns and whatnots, in Old English, it's absolutely ridiculous. i don't know how i'm gonna pass this class, i'm gonna need a huge miracle. 

and, i'm so unmotivated to go for classes. they just don't really interest me that much anymore. i dunno whether it's the classes, or whether it's me. but whatever it is, i think i need to get my act together pronto, because unfortunately, i'm just not the smartass kinda person who pulls rabbits out of the hat at the end of every sem.

i am a sad goldfish. :(

it just hit me, 

that i might possibly miss you even more today than i did yesterday.

nominative, accusative, genitive and dative.

i am so tired. i have a quiz tomorrow (the second one of this class for this semester already, believe it or not), which requires me to remember Old English personal pronouns, demonstrative pronouns, and nouns. which are all subdivided into nominative, accusative, genitive and dative cases, of which there are 1st, 2nd and 3rd persons, and also masculine, neuter and feminine genders.

WTF RIGHT.

i have only managed to memorize the personal pronouns, and my head is currently swimming with weird alphabet. i have two more tables to memorize by tomorrow, and i have no idea how the crap i'm gonna do that, considering the fact that i am intending to check out the house party at no. 48 tonight. i don't know what's gotten into me, going for all these parties and stuff. it's not like i like to drink that much. i think i'm just trying to make sure i don't come here and fall into studying like i do back home.

i'm tired though. cos last night was a packed night, what with the Canadian Cultural Night thing at 7pm, then Brass Taps with some of the exchange students after that til 11pm, then coming home to find a monopoly drinking party in full swing. i finally came up to my room at 1230 and had to force myself to shower and attempt to do some readings. which, admittedly, was a failure. and to top it off, i got up this morning with a mighty headache, since the alcohol kept me from sleeping well last night.

i do know that i can cut myself some slack, but at the same time, i'm not sure how much slack is too much.

remember, every new beginning is some beginning's end.

only heaven knows

is it ever right to fight to keep the one you love? cos if true love sets free, trying to keep someone you love by your side mayn't be the best thing for him/her.

so maybe, when you truly love someone, you just gotta let him go. or her, whichever is applicable.

only heaven knows.

:)

there's that rush of happiness everytime i see your name pop up on my screen. 

love me, love me not.

i am slothy.

i woke up at 10am, read Wacousta for a bit to do my Canadian lit assignment due Wednesday, called Clem, spoke to him til 12pm, then went straight back to bed. i'm so tired, i don't even feel like getting lunch for myself. i think this is the effects of sleep debt. and i thought i'd escaped the sleep debt thing since leaving Singapore for here. who knew that night owl habits would be so hard to break?

so what do i see myself as? 

a whirlpool of ripples, breaking up any whole image you might try to see. 

a flash of pink on the horizon when i feel good; a smudge of brown in the green grass when i'm sad.

fluffy baby pink socks that feel so good when you slip them on in bed at night. 

the scent of jasmine body butter that permeates the room when i unscrew the tub.

gloomy thunderclouds and the splattering rain.

you love me, - you love me not.

but, so you know; i do love you.

winter sonata.

so left with too much time on my hands, my sleeping thoughts are stirred once more, and i find myself thinking too much about the most inane things more than ever. waste-time thoughts. my mind is an archive of my life - dig deep enough and you'll find memories that record every event that's worth remembering. and some that perhaps aren't, too. but they're just there. everything just tumbles down over my head and overwhelms me sometimes. and with all the images in your mind crystallizing before you, you begin to see paths leading out of all of them into dark unknowns. all the alternatives to the choices that have made me who i am today. as tough as it sounds, the choices i've made in my life are unretractable. life isn't linear, it doesn't just have a simple cause-effect relationship. life's an immense tangle of points that are all intertwined somehow, like a web.

if i had to take just one lesson home from reality and life as i know it with me when i die, it'll have to be that everybody lies. it's a sad fact of well, life. i've lied a gazillion times in the 21 years i've lived on this earth, i've been lied to probably twice as many times as that. it hurts at first to think that everyone lies to some degree, to have someone lie to your face without blinking an eyelid. but when you realise that you do it too, it seems less heinous. 

musing aside, things have been improving dramatically for me. perhaps it's the proper sleep i'm actually getting every night now - i'm not so homesick and mopey anymore, not to the extent that i was last week, anyway. it's been snowing practically everyday here though, and my boots have been getting all icky and stuff, with the salt stains from the slush splashing up as i walk. it's gross. but i'd rather that than to have the bottoms of my jeans get dirty, anytime. 

i've bought tonne of clothes here, most of which can't be worn here. this is what i call foresight on my part. :D and Old Navy has the cutest slippers ever. i feel like going back to get one in every colour! i just might do that. heh. i've been deprived of summer-type clothes for too long already. give me back my slippers, shorts, tank tops and dresses!

so i was also thinking as i watched Winter Sonata, that there's more than one way to die. there's death, and then, - there's death.