Thursday, October 16, 2008

for eternity

i was thinking about it just now, about how i love words. words allow me to express myself, define myself, even - words allow me to weave magic, letters to beautiful sentences to stories. i play with words all the time, make them do what i want. but at the same time, i despise how they rollick around, escaping my attempts to pin down an exact meaning - because meaning can change so easily with a rearrangement of letters. rollicking around, eluding capture, just playful playing play. ploy? 

you tell me something and i know you mean it. but too much lit has made me realise how insubstantial things you say really are. after all, i can easily take everything and reassemble them, reconstruct my truths, scramble them up and build them from scratch, claw, paw, poke - until it's unrecognisable and something totally new. i hold certain things as non-negotiables in my life, certain truths that i hold as my Truths, certain things i flatly refuse to allow the contamination of subjectivity to fall upon. so do i believe that there are no truths in the world? well, no, not absolutely; for there are some things like Jesus Christ dying for my soul that remains unchangeable because i do not allow truths like that to be tampered with. i choose to accept things like that as wholly true because things like that make up the foundation of my being. if i don't believe that Jesus died for me because He loved me, then how do i even negotiate the concept of love, why do i even want to love if what i can do is pursue self-gratification? 

so when you say "i love you", i believe you mean it now. but i also believe that when you said "i love you" to a totally different person in a totally different time, you meant it too. i want to believe that you did, because then i can believe that you mean it now. but a part of me hates that you loved before, a part of me wants to be the first and the last, a part of me wants a little bit of eternity. 


i can't promise i can heal you
but if you want to, i can try.
to sing this summer serenade
the past is done, we've been betrayed
it's true.
someone says the truth was lie
i believe without a doubt in you.

you were there for summer dreaming
and you gave me what i need
and i hope you find your freedom
for eternity.

yesterday when you were walking
talked about your mom and dad
what they did that made you happy
what they did that made you sad.
we sat and watched the sun go down
picked a star before we lost the moon
youth is wasted on the young
before you know, it's come and gone
too soon.

& i hope you find your freedom, eventually
for eternity.

unfettered, wild and free

sometimes, i think some people stay in some relationships because they're too comfortable in them. it's a bit like your security blanket, you've had it for too long, ergo, you dare not throw it away. i don't mean relationships can be broken just like that, like say, when you're bored of it. rather, i'm talking about those relationships where it clearly cannot work anymore, where boy and girl no longer love each other just because but have to find reasons to keep 'loving', where there's too much pain and hurt involved. if my relationship ever becomes like that, i would be the first one to recognise how unsustainable it is, but at the same time, would also be the first one to cling on tightly to it precisely because it's dying, and i don't know what it would be like otherwise. we all like familiarity, we all want comfort, and while change is the only constant in the world, we all hate change. perhaps i still have notions of "true love" and love should be this and this and this. perhaps i still am a bit idealistic, a tad romantic. perhaps life hasn't treated me harshly enough to show me how love is practical, utilitarian, and ultimately, seemingly self-serving. all i know is that i still have my Christian notions of what love should be and shouldn't be, and even though all the above might stare right at me, mirrored around me a thousand times over, i don't want to believe in any of that.

i am, after all, still, a free spirit - and i still yearn to be unfettered, wild, and free.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

ants

okay looks like i've caught the Inane Blogging bug. looks like this will be the case for the next five weeks or so because i see no other way to vent and spout nonsense to just release some of that pressure.

there is so much i want to do in life, so much. and yet, i am just me, i have so little opportunity, so little strength. and yet on and on i go, like some little ant trying to save its queen who has, unfortunately, eaten ant poision.

ughhhh.

i am feeling yucky, very unwell, and i just basically want to be able to lie in bed and not do anything. very unfortunately for me, i have a test to study for tomorrow, and have 1200+ pages of Middlemarch and Vilette combined left for me to read. i felt so terrible this morning that i couldn't get up without puking, so i had to not turn up for my project meeting. 

my stomach is kinda empty too - the last meal i had was last night at 7plus. let's see if i will just die in my room from the pain or starvation, i wonder which comes first.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

anger management.

my ability to let rip at precious things when i'm pissy is quite astounding. my behaviour appalls me, disgusts me, makes me wish i were a nicer person all over again. i want to be nice, i want to love those whom i love, and yet, when i'm grouchy, all my notions of rationality just fly out of the window and leave me with this strange, seething hollow shell of a person, full of anger just needing to be let out and eventually appeased. physical discomfort is no reason to ill-treat those who are precious to me, and i will have to rein myself in. bite my tongue, watch my words, and take deep breaths.

on a totally different note that is perhaps somewhat tangential to the above, it is that time of the month when i'm feeling all sorts of blah and would like nothing else but to snuggle into bed and sleep the entire day away. i'm so unenergetic and lethargic, and that's just the beginning of it all.


Monday, October 13, 2008

work work work

doing some math today, it hit me how fine a line i'm treading, and how uncertain the final outcome really is. according to the CAP calculator NUS has so kindly provided, i have to score an average of A- for my modules this sem to get a semester CAP of 4.46, in order to reach 3.90 by this sem. following which, i go on exchange and my CAP is frozen. and when i come back in my fourth year, i have to score another average of A- for my modules to get a semester CAP of 4.25 to reach 3.95. then, in the second sem of my fourth year, i have to get 4.35 in order to FINALLY reach 4.00. 3 consecutive semesters of hard hard work. failing which, i remain stuck in my second lower honours mediocrity. 

i am very stressed just thinking about it.

and just so you know how stressed i am at the moment, i have paced myself at AT LEAST a hundred pages of Middlemarch a night, and a hundred pages of Vilette a night too, to be read concurrently. both have to be read by the beginning of next week, and i am, well, trying my hardest to speed-read and not lose anything out of it. i know my classmates say sparknotes is good, but i'm a coward and i daren't rely on sparknotes for my A.

pressure has been building up steadily in me and i'm taking it out particularly badly on the boyfriend. which makes me an irrational woman in all senses of that word, also mostly because i can see how retardedly i am behaving, but i can't help myself. every single day, all i seem to want to do is to scream my lungs out because i wake up not rested, with too much on my mind and hands, and not enough tenacity and will-power to do it all. partly also because i'm starting to feel dowdy and dull - i haven't shopped in months. there's nothing to look forward to each morning when i put on my clothes. my face is like a pimple minefield, which i suspect is caused by my insufficient sleep and my severe self-accrued stress. essays, books, and tests are stalking my mind incessantly.

i am so in need of reading week.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

don't give up.

i do admit, that i'm a little scared, a little daunted, a little overwhelmed just thinking about it all. 

i am a trifle terrified, even. i pray for strength, for perserverence, i pray that God will not give up on me, that i will not give up on myself. 


live each day like it's my last.

it is raining marvelously, i am deliciously sleepy, and i don't feel like doing any work anymore. i was planning my schedule for the next 5 weeks and am looking forward to non-stop action til reading week comes. hiphiphurray. 

Vicki Christina Barcelona. watched it yesterday, puzzled over it for a bit, fell in love with Barcelona, but it is just a bit too anarchistic for my liking. Vicki and Christina are two extremes, and i'd like to think that i fall somewhere in-between. 

i still do want to feel exhiliratingly free, feel as though everything's happening for some greater, deeper purpose - but at the moment, i've got to be content with winning the small battles each day brings. essaying, studying, sliding, reading. 


live each day like it's my last.

Monday, October 06, 2008

good days :)

so today is one of those days when i feel good about myself. these days are coming less and less though, and it's beginning to be a rare (but good) day when i feel confident. i suppose my actual abilities are somewhat linked to my confidence level of the day - when i feel confident and good about myself, i almost instantaneously become seemingly smarter, and vice versa.

so today, i am going to treat myself to a nice relaxing night and curl up in bed with Great Expectations (really fantastic bedtime reading, i know), and only work on my 19th century lit essay plans tomorrow when i am more rested. 

i need to live one day at a time, and perhaps things will come more naturally to me.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

bad dreams are made of these

i had a too-real bad dream last night, which has caused me to sleep poorly. hence my lethargy of body and mind in this dreary Sunday mid-day, trying too-hard to finish up a lecture of Romanticism before i leave the house, convinced that one night will not be enough to finish up three long lectures of Romanticism notes. 

bad dreams leave me feeling unsettled when i get up, leave me with a gross bitter aftertaste in my mouth that doesn't quite go away throughout the day, leaves me wondering.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

someone you used to know.

listening to Collin Raye's Someone You Used to Know today made me think. 
something so tangible as the love you feel, something that feels so real and certain when you're feeling it, as though you can't imagine not feeling that - it's actually more unstable, more uncertain, more fleeting than you ever imagined. how do you go from being a person someone used to love, to merely a person someone used to know? like a stranger, like an acquaintance, it's as though that strong current of emotion that coursed right through your veins, that passion and love you felt, was nothing. it's been broken down, reduced to a past tense. i can't seem to fathom how that even begins to happen, and it just circles round and round in my head, like a bird of prey circling in the sky. i'm not saying it doesn't, i know it does. it happens all the time, like flies dying in the summer sun. but i don't understand the process, don't understand how people just move on so efficiently, dont' understand how things in the now that seem so real can become a thing of the past so far removed. i'm removed from my emotions of even a year ago, there's that gulf that separates me in linear time, but it seems a bit unfair doesn't it, makes you question a bit about the reality of things. am i really existing? if something that existed can cease to exist with the passage of time, then someday i'll be like that too, everything that is connected to me will disappear when people stop remembering. 

it's nebulous, it is, memory. too unstable, ever-changing, something that's like the silk threads of a broken spiderweb. when i think i understand all about memory, all about love, all about life, something else in that chain of understanding breaks, cracks appearing in an eggshell, and throws my stable understanding out of whack, pulls the carpet from beneath my feet, tears my perfect tapestry.

it's a choice to remember or leave it for dead, a choice to preserve the authenticity of everything, a choice to forget and a choice to let your once-love-of-your-life become merely another someone. from seeing someone you loved walk away, to gradually ceasing to want to be with him/her everyday, to meeting someone new, to falling in love all over again - perhaps it's cyclical, perhaps nothing is meant to exist in immutable security. corporeality is then perhaps, at best, ephemeral, evanescent, fleeting - beautiful, whole, composition one moment, ugly, decaying, decomposition the next. fluctuation from one end of the spectrum to the other, from life to death.

perhaps you begin to forget at the precise moment when you take the first step to walk away from the moment, like exiting a movie screen, just walking on and on and on.. until you disappear from sight - and eventually, disappear from my memory.





like a friend,
like a fool,
like some guy you knew at school.
didn't we love,
didn't we share,
or don't you even care?
i know we said we were through,
but i never knew how quickly i would go.
from someone you loved - 
to someone you used to know.

Monday, September 29, 2008

then the good minute goes

i am fully expecting to die where schoolwork is concerned in the next 7 weeks of my life. it is, in my opinion, gonna be 7 weeks that cannot pass soon enough, and yet are far too precious because i have so much to accomplish. 

everything seems to be slipping away from me now, no matter how hard i try. it's like grasping at straws, at thin air, trying to hold on to nothing expecting to feel something. i cannot slip up, i need my wits about me, and yet i am so aware of my own limitations. i am too human, too finite, too inept. and still i try, and i try.








then the good minute goes.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

essay bleah

omg i am having so much trouble writing my Asian American essay. i am churning out paragraph by painful paragraph, and this struggle is quite foreign to me (pardon my egotism).

random note: the f1 practice session yesterday was quite an experience. the f1 cars were really really really pretty, and the sound of the cars vrooming by was like, exhilarating. well okay, for the first 10 vrooms. after that, i just felt like i was going deaf. everytime Kimi drove by, i think i let out a little scream. the only way i could tell Kimi's and Massa's car apart was by the little colour thingy at the top of the air tunnel bit on the cars. i <3 f1.
i hate essaying.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

ho-hum..

i am so uninspired to write my Asian American essay. i have absolutely nothing to write, and i have three pages to attempt to fill. this is the first time in a fricking long time i have had such a bad case of writer's block.

i think all this heavy-duty lit-book reading is seriously frying my brain. i zoomed through Alice in Wonderland by Monday, was attempting to read the intro to Three Gothic Novels Tuesday, and have finished The Castle of Othranto today. i am thinking of beginning on Vathek tonight too, and perhaps skip Frankenstein because i have read it before and have to move swiftly on to Great Expectations and Ivanhoe. and i have stacks of Keats' voluminous poetry to read (google Lamia, for any of you who might be interested in poetry that's kinda long, google Idylls of the King - by Alfred Lord Tennyson - if you're interested in poetry that's book-length).

and. the newest cycle of antm is still showing in the US so i have no choice but to wait til next week for episode 5 of cycle 11 to be posted. as such, i decided to try watching cycle 3 of Britain's Next Top Model and i think it's actually not too bad, considering how i do not understand what the Brit girls are saying when they get all pissy and bitchy when they fight. great entertainment value though, and Lisa Snowdon is probably a lot more help than Tyra Banks. but i still like my antm because for some reason, the girls' photos are so much nicer in antm than in bntm. maybe it's just cos i grew up on an antm diet, so my aesthetic values are slanted towards the commercialised trashy American side. which is sad, but i'm a product of my media diet.

to top it all off, i have an utterly useless project meeting tomorrow. 8 (or 9) people in a project group to produce a powerpoint slideshow is bordering on ridiculous. it's like one of those stupid light bulb jokes that go "how many people does it take to change a spoilt lightbulb??" and the answers run the whole gamut of stupid.

so, just how many people are needed to produce a slideshow? it would seem the module administration think 8 is the magic number. ho-hum.

Monday, September 22, 2008

ungrateful child

so i am all sorts of ungrateful, rude, a bad child, basically.
when you want my money even though i am supposed to be saving and you give me shit for not saving enough, what else is there to say, really.


i will never ever tell you how happy i am when i earn money again.

i hate money.

so sick and tired of all this i am that this is so fricking ridiculous and i don't even know what to do next. entirely mired in a catch-22 situation, constantly cornered, and i fucking hate money and all that it means. i can't spend it, can't save it, what should i do with it. everything in this stupid house is all about money money money, and it's not because we have too much of it either.

so we work till we die to surrender all our money to our parents.


where is robin hood when you need him, when some people have too much money to even know what next to buy, and when some of us have so little money that we don't know what next we can buy. on the surface, it seems perfectly workable. but when you dig a little deeper - anarchy reigns supreme.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

the pain of finite hearts that yearn.

as a living, breathing human being, i am all too aware of my limitations. i have so many things i want to do, want to accomplish by such-and-such a time; before i get too old, lose my youth, am no longer able to see far into the horizon because the twilight of my life is drawing nearer, let slip opportunities because of priorities.. it's limitless. and yet at the same time, i'm inifitely limited, trapped in the confines of my tangible, flawed, weak human body. i kinda understand why Gerard Manley Hopkins, a 19th century Jesuit priest who wrote poetry, did what he did with regards to his poetry.


allow me to demonstrate with the piece below entitled Carrion Comfort:

Not, I'll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast on thee;
Not untwist -- slack they may be -- these last strands of man
In me ór, most weary, cry I can no more. I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose not to be.
But ah, but O thou terrible, why wouldst thou rude on me
Thy wring-world right foot rock? lay a lionlimb against me? scan
With darksome devouring eyes my bruisèd bones? and fan,
O in turns of tempest, me heaped there; me frantic to avoíd thee and flee?
Why? That my chaff might fly; my grain lie, sheer and clear.
Nay in all that toil, that coil, since (seems) I kissed the rod,
Hand rather, my heart lo! lapped strength, stole joy, would laugh, cheer.
Cheer whóm though? The héro whose héaven-handling flúng me, fóot tród
Me? or mé that fóught him? O whích one? is it eách one? That níght, that yéar
Of now done darkness I wretch lay wrestling with (my God!) my God.



read it out loud, and you will see how odd it is.
grammar rules have been thrown out of the window, the structure of the poem as we know it (i think it's a sonnet we're looking at here) has been twisted out of shape into something quite confusing and unpalatable. what Hopkins has done essentially is to break the usual rules of language that bind us all as human beings in the attempt to express the inexpressible - here, the inexpressible being his profound experience of spiritual desolation. language itself is a construct with neat, orderly rules of grammar that dictate what we can or cannot do in the "proper" usage of language. and because it is precisely so constructed, it is unable to construct a semblence of profound experience within its constrains. infinity cannot be bound by finite constructs.

my whole point of bringing in this whole weird poem and its weird language is in attempt to express some form of the many many things going on in my head - it seems to never stop, unceasingly churning, neverending, - infinite. i don't have that ability to twist language around to express my inexpressibles, and hence find myself having to hijack the theory behind someone else's attempt to explain my own lack of proper phrasing. it's almost pathetic, how limited i am in all that i am.

similarly, i want to love you with everything i have and spend as much time as i can with you each day. it's something that has just come to be, not something that i force or remind myself to do, not like swallowing my vitamins in the morning when i have to make the conscious effort to remind myself to go to the refrigerator, open the pill bottles, and pop them. it's become almost like breathing, sleeping, something that's become natural. as much as i want to do all this, i recognise how bound i am to the chains of my mortal body. so finite, even though sometimes the emotions i feel inside of me seem almost infinite in their intensity and persistence. which brings me to the sad realization that sometimes, loving with every fibre of your being just isn't enough. loving with everything you have (or i have, for that matter), doesn't always guarantee that the one you love is satisfied, happy, appreciative. it doesn't necessarily automatically equate to the one you love realising how much you love him/her because it's everything that you have - because let's face it: we were not born with equal capacities to love. some of us love more, some less. my loving you would include me willing to forgive almost anything precisely because i love you - your loving me may not necessarily result in the same "i will forgive you practically anything" mentality. i have come to accept that that does not mean you do not love me, and that your love is very unfortunately confined by your (and mine, too) too-finite humanity.

it is that realization that is most hurtful, most upsetting, and which ultimately leads to a sense of resignation at the way things just are.


i guess another 19th century poet, Robert Browning (who is the husband of the exceptionally sappy Elizabeth Barrett Browning) knew what he was saying when he wrote Two in the Campagna.




I would that you were all to me,
You that are just so much, no more.
Nor yours nor mine, nor slave nor free!
Where does the fault lie? What the core
O' the wound, since wound must be?

I would I could adopt your will,
See with your eyes, and set my heart
Beating by yours, and drink my fill
At your soul's springs,--your part my part
In life, for good and ill.

No. I yearn upward, touch you close,
Then stand away. I kiss your cheek,
Catch your soul's warmth,--I pluck the rose
And love it more than tongue can speak--
Then the good minute goes.

Already how am I so far
Out of that minute? Must I go
Still like the thistle-ball, no bar,
Onward, whenever light winds blow,
Fixed by no friendly star?

Just when I seemed about to learn!
Where is the thread now? Off again!
The old trick! Only I discern--
Infinite passion, and the pain
Of finite hearts that yearn.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

oranges are not the only fruit

i can always see it so clearly, those paths that lead to so many other places. not just one straight road that leads to one crummy building - many many winding roads, each leading to their own landscapes. Elysian fields, seashores, metropolises, Neptune's watery realm - so many, all different. why is it that only i can see them all for what they are, not as paths leading to nowhere as you claim they are? why do you keep shoving me to that one boring cement road that's too straight, too safe, too unhuman? is it me, or is it you? we both talk, we both sing. i sing in A, you sing in F or whatever other key clashes with A - and our melodies never meet, never soar into a cresting melody. they clash, never meet, stay separate, always. why do you always fear the unknown, that which is not part of your world? i suppose that is perfectly normal, to be fair, but can you not see that what exists as truth in your world doesn't necessarily share the same stable status in mine? my world's full of pied colours, never garish and flat. i don't like primacy, it's too simple. perhaps you do. so why can't you understand that you and i are simply not the same person? i am me, and you are you. perhaps you never felt me really leave you when you gave birth to me - i am still a part of you, as much as i have your blood flowing in my veins.

but well, you should know that oranges are not the only fruit.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Friday, September 12, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

a Catholic by mystery means an incomprehensible certainty.

mystery. i always thought it to mean something i didn't understand, something i wasn't truly deeply sure existed because i couldn't explain it. the word didn't even sit well with me cos of the Mysteries we have as Catholics. the Mystery of the Eucharist - even though we have a name for it : transubstantiation; the transforming of bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ, it's just a big word.

but while doing some reading for my presentation of a 19th century poet Gerard Manley Hopkins who was a Jesuit priest, i came across this:

"a Catholic by mystery means an incomprehensible certainty".



Tuesday, September 09, 2008

the nothing i fear i am.

time has been slipping out of my fingers at an astronomical pace. school began abt 5 weeks ago, and before i even realise it, term break's looming. closer and closer, like a ship threatening to get wrecked on treacherous rocks. and i can do nothing to stop it coming at me. i just stand and watch. now of course, it is needless to say that i am immeasurably tired with schoolwork. and i know, i do know, that i shouldn't be griping about my own schoolwork tiring and wearing me down - wait until i get to the working world, and i'll really know what being tired is like, and the argument just goes so on and so forth. i don't doubt that corporate life is tiring. on the contrary, i'd expect it to be exactly so. it's just that school is wearing me so thin now that i get really pissed off at people who cajole me into not being stressed/tired/serious about studying. now, we all know that i do not flippantly cuss, but these kinda of people illicit an instantaneous "fuck off" reaction from me. people who talk flippantly, ignorantly, just usually rub me the wrong way. you do not know how it feels to come home at the end of the day and find yourself with very little free time on your hands because you're constantly rushing something or the other in preparation for the next day. when your whole life revolves around school and work, you start to feel a bit upset at the imbalance of it all - and that's how i'm starting to feel. at the same time, i'm constantly telling myself that this perceived imbalance, this utter lack of time to do anything but what's on hand, is just temporary. i keep pushing myself to work harder, read more, think faster, believe that i'm smarter, talk intelligently, absorb and process at pentium 5 speed - that i wonder if one day i'll just break down from all the pressure and become the weak, useless nothing that i fear i really am.

i am enjoying school, i really am. but at the same time, i'm really really tired, too. 

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

downright dull

so i kinda noticed, that anyone who reads my blog would think i'm perpetually depressed, disgruntled, disagreeable. i can't seem to help myself, - melancholy and misery seem to seep out of my very fingers and ears.

so i am feeling some sort of despondent at the moment.

dispirited,
dejected,
and, well, just all sorts of down.

i can't quite place my finger on my unsettled state of mind, in spite of having triumphed through two presentations in the span of two very short and packed days. i am trying to unwind, sit down and just let it all go, i really am. the stacks of reading waiting for me still manages to creep into my mind though, even if it is but the faintest shadow. intimations.

i still am all the above. dispirited, dejected, down, depressed, downright dull.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

skip a beat.

do you know, my heart still skips a beat when i see your face, your name - anything that has to do with you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

great love story - pah.

i don't believe in people sacrificing for love anymore.
the great love story is dead, never existed.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Lady of Shalott

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Thro' the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four gray walls, and four gray towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle inbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early
In among the bearded barley,
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly,
Down to tower'd Camelot:
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers "Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving thro' a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot:
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village-churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls,
Pass onward from Shalott.
Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd-lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad,
Goes by to tower'd Camelot:
And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often thro' the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot:
Or when the moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed:
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley-sheaves.
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot.
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armour rung,
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
And often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, trailing light,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra, lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his barks complaining,
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And round about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance--
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right--
The leaves upon her falling light--
Thro' the noises of the night
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darken'd wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and burgher, lord and dame,
And round the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? and what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they cross'd themselved for fear,
All the knights at Camelot:
But Lancelot mused a little space;
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

The Lady of Shalott (1842)
Alfred Lord Tennyson




i too, am half-sick of shadows.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

high up beautiful

seeing Singapore from high up kinda puts things into perspective. makes me think that Singapore is some kind of beautiful, some kind of special. makes me smile at how beautiful things are from a million miles up in the sky, when you can't see the mundane details that're even ugly. everything is just a mish-mash of colours, all blending into a breathtaking blur of lights and shapes. the boundless landscape stretching over the horizon tugs at my mind's eye, leading me to imagine that maybe i could be boundless too, just as the city before me is. i feel small, yes, but i feel so unfathomably free at the same time.

up, up, up we went, barely noticing the ascent. the only thing that gives away my slow climb upwards is the increasing span of the lit-up city i can see. the ugly, awkward trucks and vans that i initially am faced with gives way to beautiful orange lights crawling across the crisscrossing highways. suddenly from where i am, the details don't matter anymore. everything makes up the big picture that i see, contributing to the snaking trail of lights across the dark landscape, like the gleaming scales of a serpent - each unbearably ugly when you stare closeup, but so beautiful as the patterned skin of the snake. i like tiny pinpricks of light better than when i can see the lamp that spits the light out from its ugly mechanisms. i like it blurred, undetailed, unmessy - just beautiful. things are usually so ugly closeup; the details complicate things, mars the pristine condition of the picture-perfect gloss that almost everything has.

like happy families, they seem like happy families from a distance - loving parents, beautiful, clever children racing on to succeed in life. but when you get too close, get to know each individual member of the loving family too well - you realise that the father is heavily in debt and depressed, the mother is extremely insecure about everything in life and this takes a toll on the family; the older child is too much like her mother and hates herself for that, covering up her insecurities with perceived cleverness and pretty clothes, the younger child wants to do everything but manages to do nothing at all. just a random example, but too many 'perfect' families are like that up close.

things are most usually so much prettier from faraway. details complicate, create a mess. it all make perfect sense, how some writers romanticise life by constantly drawing in the bigger picture of Life After Death, putting on some meaning to life, or writing things in epic scale. then, some writers want to portray the "ugly reality" of life, dragging in sordid details in families, individual angst, day-to-day hardships. to make things beautiful, all you have to do is look at them from faraway, from high up - the details disappear and all you see is a collage of colours. when you get back to ground level, everything becomes indescribably ugly and inane all over again, crowding your mind out.

i like it better from high up. maybe - just maybe - one day, i'll really fly.




Tuesday, August 12, 2008

say hello to the new term

all of two days in school, and classes both excite and scare me. i don't know how this semester will turn out, and being around people 24/7 IS that huge change in my routine - & i'm uncertain how that will turn out, too. a lot of work to be done, and i'm even looking forward to it, warped as it may sound. i'm running on some spare batteries now i suspect cos clocking an average of 4.5 hours of sleep the last two days has allowed me to keep days chock full to the brim, from early morning at 8 or 9 o'clock, to 11 o'clock at night.

here i am in my own homey room, typing this all in, never wanting to leave again cos it's MY room and i feel so comfortable in it - but knowing i'll have to go back to school tomorrow night and face Thursday morning with a vengance.

tutorial participation will be my new goal this sem - and i will do it even if it kills me.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

snap - a lot simpler.

my school term is beginning tomorrow, and i'm so listless. i'm not looking forward to anything, i've somehow been stripped of the anticipation of looking forward to anything. there're not many people who i allow close enough to spoil my mood - and the irony of it all is, they all have. on and on, like a broken tape recorder. you know what they do with broken tape recorders? heck, what i do with such junk? - i do precisely what they're called. i junk them. throw them away.

if only it were that simple, really. you can throw away a broken piece of equipment and that'll be the end of it, but you can't quite do that with someone who keeps talking like a broken electronic device. unfortunately.


and all this about relationships and the people i love, sometimes i just wish i didn't love them all - and things would be snap, a lot simpler.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

these three words.

so after ranting on about how i want to just simply believe in what i believe in, i'm faced with the most pressing predicament - i don't even know what i believe in anymore. it's silly, really, to not know what i believe in. there were things that i thought were unchanging, but time and age has taught me that i thought wrong. some other things though, they remain exactly the same, and yet not quite the same. it's irritating how everything in life gradually becomes more & more onion-like as i get older, as i start to see layers on layers on layers.


so what do i believe in?

i believe that we choose to stay in love with that one special person. we could always choose to fall in love with two people, three people, four - as many as we want, and it is perfectly possible for us to love many times over the way we thought love was only reserved for that special someone in life. but choosing to just love that one person is a choice, just as choosing to love all those other people is a choice, too.

i believe that as much as i want to stick to my guns all the time and not compromise what i believe in, the world is such that that is quite simply impossible more often than not - so i learn to keep my beliefs to myself and let the beliefs that others are trying to impose on me slide cleanly over my head.

i believe that forgiveness is a choice, just as love is.

i believe that no one was made stupid - but some people are just simply more aware than others of their own mental capabilities. in that same vein of thought, i'm starting to believe in the possibility of my own limitations, that i may not be as clever as i make myself out to be and i may actually just be well, too-normal.

i believe in prayer. even though my prayer life is, at the present moment, in a horrifying state, i still believe in the power of prayer. which then brings me to the next of my beliefs - i believe in God, in an entity beyond this world beyond me and all the other sentient human beings placed on earth.

i believe in a life-purpose, and i believe that mine is somewhere out there, i just can't quite grasp what it is at the moment.

i believe in the potency of absence. when you want to make a statement, you verbalise it and make it known, to get people to listen. i know it, but i also know that you don't always have to create something for it to be significant. sometimes, the absence of something is equally, if not even more, potent - except that far too many people don't realise it but sense the potency of something not being there, and what do they do? they just create more senseless noise to construct the "source" of the effect - but at the end of the day, that is what their creation is - senseless, and just.. noise.

i believe in happy foods. the power of gastronomically pleasing cuisine is very real, and i'm sadly a sucker for such perk-me-ups. there is something very base about eating something that pleases your taste buds, but at the very fundamental level, it works precisely because it's so primal, this pleasure.

i believe in personal space. when i'm alone spending time with me, i get in touch with my inner self, my soul, and i see far beyond my present - ahead to what's before me, and far behind me. i discover what it is that makes me tick and what it is about me that others like or dislike, and decide what to do with all these discoveries. it doesn't make me a more likeable person, at any rate, but it makes me more self-aware and i think it's tremendously important to know yourself for who you are - warts and all, as a friend used to say.

i believe in love, in how it changes people. i believe that being with people who love you in return for who you are makes you feel good about yourself and makes you a much nicer person because you begin to accept yourself for who you are and stop wearing innumerable masks to cover up. it's immensely powerful, and i'm beginning to feel the effects of being loved for who i am change me from the very bowels of me. some part of me still questions and wonders why, but a large part of me just embraces that and... boy, it feels good.

i believe in so many other things, you have absolutely no idea.





these three words are said too much,
they're not enough.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

never break my spirit

fools. narrowminded simpletons. scream scream scream - all you want. would you like to know how it all just flies over my head and nothing you say matters? you can never make me think what you want me to think, never. you can break my body down and reduce me to tears but you will never, never break my spirit. your worldview is so painfully narrow and reductionistic that you have no space for the possibility of anything, but. when things don't fall within that too-simple worldview, you just dismiss the possibility of it even existing. unfortunately, there's me, who has the unfortunate ability of seeing things outside my own goldfish bowl. trapped in your pathetic perspectives, that's what you all are. you lack so much and are so blissfully unaware of it all that it's sad, sometimes, and i pity you. i may cry out of anger and frustration, but that doesn't mean that i've bowed down to what you have said. on the contrary, my resolve to believe in whatever it is is just merely further strengthened. when you push an alleycat to a corner, it inevitably spits, and you ought not be surprised when it does cos you're stupidly, asking for it. i react the way i do because you leave me with no bloody choice. what's the use in it all?

i'm really tired of people who think i should believe in a certain set of beliefs, who think i should act a certain way, do certain things - f*ck it and just bug off. from now on, i do exactly what i want, i will say exactly what i think cos i'm through with trying to be someone i'm not, someone everyone else wants me to be.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

love me, love me - say that you love me.

so we all dislike insecurity - i hate it, too. i despise that i'm so insecure about everything, even to the extent of dreaming those irritating, insecure, nonsesical dreams. i wish i could rid myself of it all. what is there to be scared of, really? as you said: irrational. and i know it. i wake up with images of you abandoning me fresh in my mind, and it disturbs me. and yet, why should i even have such dreams? i know i shouldn't, and yet i still have them. which is what frustrates me.

and. i think i've left my mp3 player on the MAS flight back to Singapore from Brisbane. i am veryvery upset about that, and i need to get me a new player soon.


love me, love me, say that you love me.

Monday, July 28, 2008

ARGH

so i think my arguments aren't worth two cents - the bottomline is that you just want to control me. run my life, and have a say in everything i do. it's beginning to become a little ridiculous, this degree of control you want to have in everything i do. i'm starting to wish i were a lot stupider, a lot less ambitious, so that i wouldn't want to do so many things my way. it doesn't make sense how you'd not let me do something if i have a solution to something that's obstructing my way. it's laughable, almost, how stupid it really is. so you wonder why people move out, why people don't stay around: this is precisely why. you're going along the right path, congratulations, you. just keep at it. i'm trying to bear this as gracefully and obediently as i can, but you know, sometimes, i just snap from the sheer unreasonableness. it makes zero sense, and what's more, you can turn around and tell me that i make no sense at all. i don't know whether to laugh or to cry, and what comes out is a cross between the two. you threaten me with all sorts of things, dare me to do things at the expense of something else - what are you trying to teach me? twenty years of life has taught me too much, and one thing i've learnt through it all is to see the logical in the illogical. you, unfortunately, do not have that ability, so i wish i could tell you to zip it and stop telling me i'm the one not making logical sense. if it's not about the money, and not about the time, then what is it about? if you cannot tell me, then all i can conclude is that you just want to micro-manage my life, and that is a very sad conclusion indeed because it's the one that is most ridiculous.

i want to break free.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

i <3 home!

so i'm back from Australia, and i'm expected and supposed to blog about my experience. i suppose i will, one day, but i don't quite feel like blogging abt it now. so i'm a bit sick of doing anything at all and i crave some alone time at home, something i haven't had since coming back to Singapore last Monday. i'm not upset about it, i'm just quite tired. it baffles me sometimes how i'm expected to have so much energy to do so much things, being young & uhh nubile. but i just don't! i'm so tired so often. ugh. i've just come home from Hilda's place, & i'm exhausted, frankly. being with people i love makes me happy, but i'm just sapped somehow after it all.

one thing Australia has shown me, though, is that i love home too much. there i was, having all those grandiose dreams of moving abroad and living a glamorous life outside boring Singapore, but now i'm not so sure about that. sure, other countries are exciting. there's summer-autumn-winter-spring - oh yay, so exciting! snow! but being away for those mere two weeks away from my family and the friends dear to me was painful, so difficult, and it almost killed me. especially since i was sick and miserable, which didn't help my homesickness. how am i gonna survive my exchange in Canada, sometimes i wonder. i know for a fact i'd miss home a lot. i know i'd wanna be with the people i love. but i do also know that i'd enjoy myself.

and i know this is totally off-tangent, but you know, whatever. get over it.

Friday, July 18, 2008

AUSTRALIA!!!

Sydney is cold at this time of the night. i was pretty miserable in the freezing cold up until now when i'm feeling a lot better for some reason. i fell sick on the way to Sydney from Melbourne, still am sick one day before i'm supposed to be camping out in the field for the Pope's Mass on Sunday, and i think i will still be sick when i get back to Singapore.

i miss the heat in Singapore, i miss my bed, i miss home.
HOMESICK.

but. i cannot wait to see the Pope, even though it's fricking cold and i'm slowly disappearing into nothingness.


GREETINGS FROM DOWN UNDER PEOPLE!
xoxo.

Monday, July 07, 2008

i am needy.

so i am needy and i need a lot. i am emotional and a weak, silly female. which might make me selfish, self-centred, & uncaring. i am depressed over a lot of things, though i'm not quite sure if i should be, at all. an avalanche of emotions has just washed over me and i have no idea how to chuck it all aside as i usually do. i feel uncared for by the people who mean the most to me, i feel upset over my irrationality and weakness, i am extremely frustrated over the situation that i foresee will unfold in the next 12 days. i need you with me - but that is sadly not possible. this needing is making me feel extremely irritated with myself, which just compounds the bubble of frustration building up inside. i fear i will burst with rage at the smallest irritation tomorrow, since i am in such a horrendous stupendous fury at the present. things that shouldn't matter, unfortunately, irk me like hell - whil things that do really matter seem insignificant and unimportant at the moment, such as my second exchange referral which i have yet to procure. am i just silly, inept, or completely and unfortunately inapropriate?

i don't have enough, i need so much more, and i feel like such an ass for even thinking these thoughts. and because i am already lacking, this self-bashing does nothing to improve my mood; quite the opposite happens, actually, and i feel woefully like screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs - at myself, and a handful of other people whom i unfortunately love too much. which explains this severe outburst of emotion.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

what i hate, what i oughtn't.

there are so many things threatening to rob me of whatever last threads of sanity i'm hanging on to right now. too many things that are far too trivial to expend the far too much energy i've wasted on all this thus far. it is ridiculous, i do not want to participate in conversations such as these anymore as they are a complete waste of my too-precious time.

i hate time-wasters, i hate emotional blackmail - there are too many things i hate that i oughtn't. just go on, say whatever you want, but you will realise that this is all a big mistake; and by then, it might well be just too late.

Friday, July 04, 2008

a whole new world

i can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid
tell me princess,
now when did you last let your heart decide?
i can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over, sideways, & under
- on a magic carpet ride.
a whole new world;
a new fantastic point of view.
no one to tell us "no" -
or where to go,
or say we're only dreaming.
a whole new world;
a dazzling place i never knew.
but now i'm way up here,
it's crystal clear,
that now i'm in a whole new world with you.
unbelievable sights, indescribable feelings.
soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling,
through an endless diamond sky.
a whole new world;
a hundred thousand things to see.
i'm like a shooting star,
i've come so far, -
i can't go back to where i used to be.
a whole new world;
with new horizons to pursue.
i'll chase them anywhere,
there's time to spare,
let me share this whole new world with you.


Thursday, July 03, 2008

what a lovely holiday, there's nothing funny left to say.

i am quite tired. really busy times ahead of me, and i need to be in high spirits to get through it all. i haven't quite shaken off the lethargy, though. helppppp. when i get back on the 21st, i have to settle the remaining exchange stuff, pack for and move into PGP, finish painting the rest of my room - which entails the emptying of my too-full shelves. going up to KL for the Passion conference on the 3rd of August as well, and perhaps perhaps i'm going up with the family to Genting on the 8th of August. my slow, snoozy life has suddenly picked up, and i'm not quite sure what to do about it all! it's during times like these when i wonder whether i'm truly a driven person, or whether i've gotten to where i am simply by chance. just as a leaf is picked up from the floor by the wind and blown thousands of miles from where it fell - it's not that it propelled itself by any extraordinary willpower to thousands of miles away from its starting point - it just happened, and i feel a bit like that now. like some huge wind beyond my control is just blowing me along and all i can do is allow myself to be carried, and see where i end up. it's stupid when you think about it, not grabbing your life with both hands and letting something seemingly bigger than oneself decide for you by some sort of random anarchistic rules.

aaaaaaaah packing is driving me crazy. :(


save me from drowning in the sea
beat me up on the beach
what a lovely holiday,
there's nothing funny left to say.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

a public affair

since the last time i've posted, i feel as if a ton of things have happened. suddenly, i find myself in the midst of preparing documents to submit to go for exchange in January next year, fighting administration and their errors, finding out that January 2009 is way too soon for my liking. if everything goes well, the new year will see me in freezing Ontario in the University of Guelph. cold place, not my first choice, but i'll take overseas opportunities with both hands, suddenly. am i that desperate? - sometimes i think to myself. but i've so many reasons to have zero faith in myself anymore that sometimes i think i totally overrate myself.

4th of August will see me moving into PGP with Carol, we're both planning to share a room. i wonder how it'll work out, and yet i think i won't have any choice BUT to make it work cos it looks like i'm gonna have three 10am classes next sem. it could be fun, and yet, it could also be some sort of disastrous. i wonder what it'll be like. some part of me is so reluctant to get ready to move out of my comfy home 5 days a week, though, and live on campus. i remember how reluctant i was to go back to hall the first year every sunday night, how i'd rather stay at home and sleep, and wake up the next day and trudge to school. in principle, that'd be what i prefer. but i know that when i actually have to wake up, i'll grumble and bitch about it as if i was arm-twisted into doing it. which is quite nonsensical, when you think abt it. so i will just cut the crap, and try to stay in PGP. for the sake of my studies, i will try.

even closer to the present - 8th July will see me flying off to Melbourne-Sydney for 12 days for world youth day. i am both looking forward to that, and dreading it, in all honesty. 12 days alone, so far from home and all its comforts - i wonder what those days have in store for me, really. it could be all sorts of wonderful, and yet, it could also be all sorts of dreadful. perhaps really, it's what i make out of it. perhaps. the packing is driving me crazy though. winter, but not enough space to pack enough clothes cos everything's supposed to be able to fit into a bag-pack.

sigh. so much to do! i should be happy, and some part of me is happy at all these things happening! but there's still so much inertia in me that's making me soooooooooo lazy and lethargic, i feel as if i don't have any energy left-over to socialize and keep up with my social circles. ha yes, i know, it sounds so superficial, but i couldn't think of a better way to put that. msn wears me out by the sheer amount of people i have on my list. it's great, keeping in touch with people like that, but every time i venture online and talk to various people, i end the night swearing to myself that i'll never appear online again. it's quite exhausting, and i don't know how people do it on a regular basis! in all honesty, they have my utmost admiration.



all the girls stepping out for a public affair.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

merit, worth, and love.

you know, i think i've never grown out of the constant hungry need for the approval of others. especially that of my loved ones, even though i may not seem to outwardly hold their opinion in especial esteem. i thought it was a phase that one could grow out of, a bad habit i'd kick with the passing of time and the passage into adulthood. fool that i am, i think that growing up automatically makes me wiser and less insecure. i have found out today that that is absolutely not true, and i've been happily deluded all this while. i'm sorely insecure about too many things, therefore i need the approval and affirmation of the people close to me. i cling to their approval as if it were a life raft, and i'm beginning to think that the positive opinions of others are more important to me than i previously thought. sometimes, it's all i cling on to to stop myself from freefalling down into an abyss of nothingness, of utter worthlessness. now, perhaps there is something wrong in all of this, this extreme form of self-deprecation that i put myself through. and i know it. i can see how it is so wrong, and yet i just indulge in bouts of insecurity, needing the approval and praise of others - just for that temporary high. that'd make me a junkie in a sense, just chasing that high. living from high to high. then when the high of the approval fades, i start to crashland down to reality and push myself to do well again so that the high of the praise seeps in again. the approval of my parents, the affirmation that my friends give me, the acknowledgement of my own achievements as precisely that - i'm addicted to it. i need it to be okay.

so, lately, i've been feeling like the stupid kid in the house again. i'm not sore, i'm not jealous - far from it. but somehow i can't help feeling like my parents overlook me as a moderately intelligent person, and see me as some sort of unclever and ordinary. too dull compared to my too brilliant sister. and i wouldn't mind it so much, except that i wish it didn't get to me as it does. i thought i'd outgrown comparing, outgrown trying to prove that i'm some sort of brainy, perhaps. and it saddens me that hey, maybe it'll never leave me. it gets to me how stupid i feel when i think about myself in that sense, as if somehow i haven't achieved anything worth mentioning in my academic life in the past 21 years. so maybe the news that i got the double major for literature and communications & new media got lost in the whole whirlwind of whether sister should go to SMU law or not. i mean comparatively, i've achieved nothing, it would seem. it's just a double major, not a double degree. even though i'm carrying the equivalent workload of a double degree student. so maybe law or medicine or life science, even, is easier to remember than "literature and communications". i'd like to think it were so, instead of allowing the thought that maybe they just can't be bothered to pay attention, to remember, to seep into my head. i'm a big girl now, i don't need my parents approval of my school life to make me feel as if i'm actually something. i'm worth something even if it appears otherwise. so maybe i'm not the brainy one in the family, i can deal with that. i am just telling myself incessantly that being smarter does not merit more love. although logically speaking, being smarter would mean that one is worth more in terms of lifetime achievements - and that would hence naturally attract more attention, love, and concern. but nevermind, i will try to keep the silliness at bay. i am upset and have been upset for some time, finding tears trickling down my eyes at inconvenient times of the day whenever i think about all this. but there has to be a better way to deal with this, other than just feeling sorry for myself, and crying utterly useless tears for seemingly no reason.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

PRISON BREAK

so, while i watch 10 episodes of Prison Break back-to-back, i've been working on my chicken cross stitch. which, for some reason, makes me happy when i stare at it and trace the patterns that the colours make on the cloth.

my Prison Break marathoning has made my boyfriend a tad mad at me though, and i'm not quite sure what to make of it at the moment. especially since i'm at the time of the month when i wish i were anything but female, being beset by nauseating belly cramps. i am a bit distraught, but find myself unable to do anything else except continue watching my dvds cos there seems to be nothing to say about everything. - i do want to watch, but i do know that i should be more understanding and compromising about everything. and less selfish.

why Prison Break is so interesting to me, i must admit that the Wentworth guy is pretty darn fine. but let's pretend i never said it. omg he just kissed her?!! GASP i am like in. okay. well. what was i saying. i forget. i am watching Prison Break now.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

schizophrenia

you know, it just hit me. maybe i'm Lonely.

and Insecure too, to boot.

but then, these don't make sense to my brain at the moment because i should have absolutely no reason in the world to feel alone. insecure - well, yes, maybe lately, especially since i feel like i'm becoming uninspired and drab. but lonely? with a perfect boyfriend, family, and friends? sounds a bit rich, you might think.

slowly but surely, though, some semblence of dark loneliness is creeping into a corner of my increasingly shrinking heart and consciousness. and i don't know why it's so, or how to reverse this alarming happening. as i see myself retreating further inwards, i don't want to do anything to stop it. it feels almost like a spectacle, sort of. where i'm just sitting by the sidelines and watching a sad freakshow. sheer abjection. i see myself being permeated by dark, gloomy thoughts - and all i can do is watch as i become ever more dejected at apparently nothing, for seemingly no reason. perhaps it's some form of quarter-life crisis, if you're the kind who likes to trivialize things. whatever is happening to me, i can only watch it unfold with some sort of detached horror, while secretly, meanly enjoying what's happening to such a picture-perfect sort of life. it's almost as if there're two people in me: one helplessly watching as a pitch-black tidal wave of misery washes over her life and sweeps her away; the other somewhat sneering at the fate of plastic Barbie and her too-perfect world.

and after recklessly typing this avalanche of dark thoughts out into words, all i can do is sit here and scratch my upper lip, as i am increasingly aware of a rather stupid prevailng sense of nonchalance for the inevitable.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

the banality of my existence.

the days are really slipping by me.. just like that. the more i try to stop time from passing so quickly, the faster they seem to fly, it seems. i try to fill my days with meaningful activities, to do stuff that actually matters. anything, to stop my time from spiralling down into utter insignificance. so much time, and yet i end up doing practically nothing at all. as i grow ever older, i become more and more resigned to some sad facts, that some dreams must be let go of. unfulfilled, or not. as much as i am convinced that i am more than just that, i am becoming increasingly aware that i am as much just that as everyone else might be. even more so, perhaps. not some kind of special - more like some kind of ordinary. i see the rest of my life stretched out before me, still wide wastes of unspent years, if nothing untoward happens to me before my old-lady time. but at the same time, that life i see is one that is petered out and almost bland. i know that it's up to me to live the kind of life that i want. but i'm feeling so dull and lacklustre these days, it almost seems fitting for me to live a similar kind of boring, dishwater-dull life that i abhor. it seems almost as if i feel as if it is perfectly my place to mire myself in that kind of banality, being the insanely boring witless person i feel i'm becoming. it's as if i deserve it, when in another time when there had been a lot more fight me, i would vehemently deny it of me. yes, that's right. i feel as if the fight has been sucked out of me. i sound so jaded, suddenly. so tired, so sick of it all. but i'm not - i'm not actually like that, i don't feel this way. i generally don't feel sick of life, and yet maybe a part of me feels as if i've had enough. i generally feel still some kind of special, not all kinds of banal, but an increasingly huge part of me is teteering towards the facelessness of sheeplike crowds. i feel an increasing need to read, indulging in a form of escapism my immense imagination allows as it takes flight and comes to life in a plane of its own. Lord of the Rings has been my latest read - a daunting volume at about a thousand pages that makes my arms ache if i hold it up for too long periods of time as i lie in bed reading. i am fully aware of the need to look in the not-too-distant future of graduation time, when i will have to decide what i want to work as. or more importantly, i will have to secure for myself tenureable employment that is some form of bearable to me. daily journalism is no longer something that i can see myself in. the local press does not appeal to me at all as i read more and more of the trash that is produced. in their defence, i also know that the press has to perform its role in society, journalists have to write to do so. i want to be a writer, but what can i do in this unimaginative society that i live in? what kind of book can i write here that will make writing a viable career? i need to think of something before i graduate, something has to work out in the grander scheme of things.

on a more banal note. cycling yesterday was great - but my legs are exhausted. i'd do it again, but maybe not too soon. heh. next on my list of things to do on a date would be the building of sandcastles on the beach! apparently, you can rent sandcastle building stuff from a shop for a reasonable rate for the whole day. that would finally let me see my castles in tangible sand and not just in the immaterialness of clouds. heh. - okay, so not funny. i am currently watching episodes of antm cycle 10 on youtube now as i throw out clothes from my wardrobe. i have so many pieces of clothing i have no idea what to do with - i don't want to give them away for good by giving them to the Salvation Army, but at the same time, i don't wear them quite as often enough for them to occupy hanging space in my already bursting cupboard. also, i am currently not doing any dinners/lunches with ANYONE because i am SO broke it is not funny. i have no idea where my money all evaporated to - it always turns out this way. sigh. and, i have to start packing for sydney soon. like get all my winter clothes from Trina. i wish i could borrow boots from her, too. but her feet are like 3 sizes smaller than mine. :(

so many things to do, all so insanely banal. woe is me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

the extraordinary of ordinary.

i can't help but think that beyond all this ordinariness, there must be something really extraordinary just waiting to happen, beyond the corner. here i am, mired in the most inane, ordinary life you could think of, restless out of my mind and yet not wanting to move from my comfy inertia. i cannot help but still dare to hope that there is still a lot more of my life just waiting to unfold. unfold, mind you - not for me to stumble upon.

pick a star on the dark horizon, & follow the light -
you'll come back when it's over.

Friday, June 06, 2008

receptionist-for-a-day!

sleep eluded me last night for almost three hours, leaving me extremely exasperated and grouchy. work doesn't become me - at all. i look like an absolute train wreck, and i feel like one. on the plus side, i actually enjoyed my 6km run last night. a rare occurence, i assure you, that the words "run" and "enjoyed" appear in the same sentence, especially with no negatives involved. i think i finally found out what it means to be on a "runner's high", cos i wasn't tired after a certain point in the run - and it was quite exhilirating. i need to start losing weight. the new weighing scale i bought from Ikea yesterday showed that i weigh an appalling 47kg - 3 up from a mere two months ago. which is strange, considering how i probably did zero amount of exercise prior to end-of-exams. maybe (and i'm sincerely hoping) the weight gain can be attributed to the amassing of muscle.

manning the reception is not as boring as i thought it'd be. but i think i'm doing an absolutely horrid job. i keep accidentally losing calls, pressing the wrong buttons on the switchboard when i try to transfer calls. making all sorts of wild guesses when people call and ask me if they can book rooms. signing for deliveries and not knowing what to do with them. i feel quite positively useless, actually. but - it's okay! cos it's a one-day stint only, thank goodness. or i'd create even more trouble.

i am feeling quite restless at the moment. i am hungry and itching to do some of my cross stitch all at once. wikipedia has been feeding my insatiable appetitie for trivia on the most inane things, as usual. i only wish i could plug in my earphones somewhere and watch antm on youtube. i haven't had enough bum-around-time at home to do that.

Narnia is my newest craze, by the way. i love the cinematography of the two movies that have come out, i love the music scores, I LOVE THE FANTASTICAL NATURE OF IT ALL. i want to be a queen of Narnia! i want to wear those pretty medieval-looking dresses that Susan and Lucy wears in the movies. i want to not be ordinary anymore.

Monday, June 02, 2008

one life.

so many thoughts swirling around in my head - which one to catch hold of first, which one to release on the pretext of now but perhaps maybe for good? i'm no longer fool enough to presume that everything i think of in a moment will stick around with me past that instant - life's too fleeting and transient for everything to not be merely momentary, for anything to be anything less than ephemeral. whatever i manage to pen down here, it's but a snapshot of my mind-scape at any one point in time, nothing more. sad, but true. i wish i could put into words everything i think about in a day, all the feelings that come to me and make me feel so alive and yet so aware of the time slipping through my fingers each day i'm alive. when you think about it: every day i'm alive, i have one less day to live. it goes away for good, i can't do anything to call back the moments that have passed me by.

i have felt anger, rage, so many things in recent times. wells of emotions that i thought have left me, all have sprung up to reveal their ugly faces to my aghast. jealousy, insecurity, cattiness - all these are the familiar unbecoming feelings that have been a part of me for the longest time ever, and i've more or less figured out how to deal with these when they vie for my attention so that they can be given tangible form in this all-too-tangible world. i take a deep breath, convince myself of the sheer lack of comforting logic of the annoying emotion, and turn my back on it before it comes out in frightening form. but the anger that has lashed out at my loved ones lately is something quite alien to me - which isn't to say that such wrath is beyond me, but simply has been placed under control prior to this. then there's such a thing called disgust, outrage, and a strange kind of disbelief at a type of weirdness that is just beyond me.

displacement seems to be the new feeling of the day. displacement in all its forms. and when you think about it, displacement is just the kind of feeling that one never quite gets used to, because it is the very stuff of constant change and discomfort.

my life which seems so fulfilled and filled with meaning on its shiny glossy surface is increasingly seeming to me to be empty, aimless, and sadly lacking in any form of meaning whatsoever. i don't know why i'm doing what i'm doing anymore, increasingly. when my results for the semester came out a couple of days ago, i was initially beset by all these feelings of being upset, disappointed, and then the determination to do better washed over me. to get my second upper, to push myself to do the best i can. then, when all these feelings left me, i was left wondering why i'm working so hard to get a certain set of results, a certain goal i have placed on a pedestal in my own head - a suddenly conflated sense of false importance has washed over everything i once held so dear and high in regard. even the shopping i wanted to do with my newly earned money, i don't see the point in it anymore. i don't see the point in dressing up prettily when i go out, putting on my makeup to look presentable, learning more to make myself a more valuable piece of real estate when the time comes for me to find a job for good - all these have suddenly diminished in their glitzy glamour and have dulled into the reccesses of my mind. i no longer know what i want with my life, i no longer know that i want to have a high-flying career, i no longer know anything save i want to live comfortably for the rest of my days just seeped with love.

perhaps it's from realising how insignificant it all is in the grander scale of things that's making me so disillusioned and disinterested in everything. all my hopes, my dreams, my fears - they're nothing more than a speck in the universe, which makes me nothing more than a full-stop or a comma in the sentences that make up life. when everything's going smoothly and i'm achieving all i want, it all seems to make perfect sense. everything seems to be steeped in grand meaning, seems to bear the promise of dreams to be fulfilled. but then, when something in that little pathetic insignificant ambition fails to click into place, falls slightly out of step with the tune that everything else marches to, nothing makes sense anymore. ambition seems pathetic, almost romanticised. the promise of the future seems to unravel into its sparse threads and evaporate into thin air, leaving nothing behind but a mere whisper of how tiny and transient it all is.

songs seem empty, happy tunes grate on my nerves. the only things i want to surround myself with is fresh air, and melancholy. the books i read are all about the past, about fantastical universes i want to be a part of but know for sure that they are but whimsical figments of someone's imagination. i want it all to mean something, i want my life to mean something. and somehow, it feels as though the harder i try to make it mean something, the closer i feel i'm drawing to the fearful abyss of nothing. seeing it all played out on screen would make me feel so much better, that it is actually some kind of grand, some kind of significant. but i know that i'm just one of the millions in the world, closer to some sort of faceless and voiceless than anything else. perhaps it is that which grates on me so much, knowing how pathetic my sense of self-importance is, carrying on that delusion that i finally mean something to someone - when truth is, i could disappear from the face of the earth in a heartbeat and noone would realise, no clouds will weep for me, no eclipse of the sun will mark that moment in time. nothing. everything that i have toiled for would just cease to exist. the room that i've lived in my whole life would just stay as it is, all my things collecting dust and the wood crumbling - and eventually, all my things would be packed away into boxes. and i'd laugh at the irony at it all, at how my life has been sorted into maybe seven different boxes and kept away, just like that. and all the unimportant things, they'd just be thrown away - just as i'd be thrown away when i'm dead because my body is no longer important in this cruel existence that stops for nothing, no man, no death.

sometimes i feel as if one life isn't enough for me to live. it's too short, i'm too limited and bounded by time and space. there're all these other existences i'd like to live in, and yet i can't because i'm only alive but once. and the moment i stop to breathe, it's over, my journey as a life ceases. i'd like to have lived in a king's court in 16th century Europe - something i read about now and ooh and aah over, but in truth, really existed 500 years ago. i'd like to have lived as a peasant girl, having to worry only about my marriage options and maybe my chickens and whether my cows have been milked. i'd like to live in the modern day West, that which i can only look at through a simulacrum, nothing more - because i'm Asian, and i belong in Asia because of my skin colour, my facial structure, my hair colour, eye colour, height etcetra. so many lives i'd have liked to lived, but i'll only ever know my life on earth as it is now. of course, there're all these questions that follow such a fatalistic outlook of things, but what else can i do but accept it all as it is?

i want grand romance, i want epic adventure, i want mystery. what i have, i don't seem to want very much. but i daresay when i lose all that i have, i will realise that i want these too, but i will only want them when they are no longer mine to call my own.



it started out as a feeling,
which then grew into a hope.
which then turned into a quiet thought,
which then turned into a quiet word.
& then that word grew louder and louder,
'til it was a battle cry.
i'll come back when you call me,
no need to say goodbye.
just because everything's changing,
doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
all you can do is try to know who your friends are,
as you head off to the war.
pick a star on the dark horizon,
& follow the light.
you'll come back when it's over,
no need to say goodbye.
now we're back to the beginning,
it's just a feeling and now one knows yet.
but just because they can't feel it too
- doesn't mean that you have to forget.
let your memories grow stronger and stronger,
'til they're before your eyes.
you'll come back when it's over -
no need to say goodbye.
The Call
Regina Spektor
from the Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian OST

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

yay!

so now that i have stopped working, i have been catching up on sleep. alright, boring, i know. but it's only been two days since i stopped working on Monday, so excuse me for catching a rest. my social life has been a bit blah for a long time, everyone's so far away. partly my fault too, cos i mean to catch up with so many people but my need for sleep keeps me away from the computer and the phone, and glues me to my bed. today's the first night i'm actually planning to spend some time on the computer, the first time in like, almost a week. thinking of watching some episodes of house online, then maybe playing some wow or sims.

okay. inane post again. sorry. i am so thoroughly uninspired these days, i dunno why. oh, but i'm reading this book - The Other Boleyn Girl - now, and i don't know why but for some reason, Anne Boleyn really scares me with her sheer ambition. the movie isn't as good as the book, really. most movie adaptations aren't, even when taken solely as movies in their own right and not looked upon as a Movie-Adaptation.

i want to play games on my ps2 again, but i'm too lazy to walk downstairs to play anything. and. the GSS is on now, and everything's on sale. BUT. the crowds just gross me out and piss me off. ugh. dilemma. and even more pressingly: no money. i always never have enough money, always want more things. it's starting to become a little ridiculous.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

oh-so-tired.

i am very very tired. it just hit me today how exhausted i am. my batteries are running on low cos of all the working hours i put in. and the hours i keep. and all the stuff i do. i need to sleep more, eat more, rest more, play more. i am giving myself one more week to keep up this pace of living. one more week, no more. cos i cannot survive more than that without doing permanent damage to my brains and my well-being.

not enough sleep for the last week, not gonna have enough sleep in the upcoming week, too. howhowhow. sigh. i need to find reserve energy from somewhere to do everything i need to do.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

unwritten.

i am starting work for a week tomorrow. considering i am going to be paid $7.50 an hour for the next week for just sitting down and filing, i ought to be grateful for my money-making opportunity. but the thought of doing such mind-numbing, brainless, inane work at the ungodly hour of 9am every day for the next five days is making me more winded than i'd care for. but i need to earn some money, i need to save some money. ergo, i need to work. unfortunately. now we all know that if the above conditions didn't hold true, i wouldn't even think of working this holidays. i'd spend the entire three months in languid sleeping, playing, spending, eating, living. that's just the kind of person i am, partly. then, there's the other part of me - the go-getter part, that wants a career, wants to do things cos that's what life is about, wants to make full use of every single minute i'm alive. it's too late when i'm dead, anyway. too late to do anything. then, it struck me: who says living the easy life isn't living per se? i don't have to pack my schedule from 7am to 10pm every single day to have a full life, do i? on the contrary, i reckon doing that would be counter-productive to my quest in living each day to its fullest. i can breathe in the essence of what life has to offer simply by doing the things i love to do (ie. lazing around, reading, minimal activity), cos that's what life means to me.

okay so even though i dread having to wake up at 7am tomorrow morning and the next five days, i'm gonna make the best of this and try to go to work slightly smiley. and try not to be grouchy while i'm at it.

and. i miss hearing EIC play. i was just listening to Jason Mraz's I'm Yours - a song EIC plays really often - and i felt a twinge of nostalgia somewhere in my heart for when i was less complicated and could head down to Walawala on a Friday night to chill out to the music.



i am unwritten,
can't read my mind,
i'm undefined.
i'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.
staring at the blank page before you
open up the dirty window,
let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.
reaching for something in the distance
so close you can almost taste it
release your inhibitions.
feel the rain on your skin,
no one else can feel it for you.
only you can let it in.
no one else can speak the words on your lips,
drench yourself in words unspoken.
live your life with arms wide open
today is where your book begins,
the rest is still unwritten.
i break tradition,
sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
we've been conditioned to not make mistakes,
but i can't live that way.
Unwritten
Natasha Bedingfield

Friday, May 09, 2008

i've missed bumming around and vegetating, i've missed sleeping in and not having to worry about anything. all the above represented by my comfy home. ergo, i miss home. i've spent the last two days doing absolutely nothing other than watch some tv, read my books, throw out junk from my room, and sleep. <3

i need to rearrange my room this break so that i have more space when school begins again in august. more space to accumulate more junk, i forgot to add. the amount of rubbish i manage to collect in a few months.. it's pretty scary.

and. i need a job. my allowance has been severely cut this holidays (self-suggested, believe it or not), and yet i'm having trouble securing that sum of money, still, cos it is believed that giving me money to spend on entertainment during the holidays is an absolute waste of it. hence, i need a job. i might call up the Ralph Lauren contact Chels gave me last night, but i'd better do it soon before the laziness just seeps all the way in and leaves me incapitated and direly rooted to my bed.

i am sleeping 10 hours a day these days, by the way. it's making me feel a lot better, my stressples are clearing up (a stressple is a stress-induced pimple. i made it up, so you'd be forgiven for not knowing), my dark eye circles are disappearing, my puffy eyes are becoming unpuffy again. i'm even beginning to exercise a little to tone up the flab. yay for me.

okay i seem to have no interest in blogging anymore tonight. my bed calls. goodnight.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

HOUSE!

i am addicted to House and i have almost watched the entire first season in all of 4 days. i think this could be due to me secretly desperately wanting to see House actually tell Cameron that he has feelings for her after she confesses to him about how she feels for him. not so secret anymore, i suppose, but doesn't change why i'm so addicted to the show. if i went down the psychoanalysis road, i'd say this desire to see House tell Cameron about his feelings has got everything to do with my own past experiences. but of course, i will not go down that slippery path today. i am too eager to finish up the last three episodes of season one. actually, i already kinda know what's gonna happen and who's gonna say what - but i still want to watch it.

i think these exams are getting to me, actually. let's see if i still retain my addiction to House after my last papers on Monday.


and for some strange inexplicable reason or the other, i think Hugh Laurie is hot. must be something wrong with me if i think grouchiness and misery is sexy. maybe it's as simple as this, that every girl just wants to love a damaged, imperfect man.

not interested, go away.

i had a lot of fun today after my exams. Korean bbq, two movies back-to-back, a nap. i enjoyed myself thoroughly, was really happy.


i am now in a tremendously bad mood, though. and i just felt like venting. but upon sitting here in front of my keyboard, i find myself at a loss for words, and i'm stuck with parroting over and over again that i am upset. and miserable. and slightly confused, even though i know very clearly what i intend to do.

i am just not interested. completely unintersted in anything that has got to do with this.
i want to have nothing to do with ---, i know nothing about --- and i'm perfectly happy this way. i apologise for making life difficult, but i don't apologise for feeling this way. sounds familiar? i bet it does. maybe it's cos i think she's everything i'm not, maybe it's cos of so many other things. who cares? bottom line is: not interested.

while it may seem like it's cos she's got everything i have to live without, i think it's not that - at all. i'm glad i'm not living with it now, cos i'm living with something much better now. you're beautiful and i know i'm lucky. i don't regret my choice. not second choice - my choice. i think it's more cos i cannot see what i lack, i cannot understand what's wrong with me, i cannot see why i'm completely unloveable. surely i cannot be that flawed? i wish i didn't feel this way about myself now, cos you're right, it seems like i'm belittling what we have. i'm trying to change the way i see myself, but it increasingly seems that i'm so broken that it's taking a long time to put back the pieces i'm trying to fit back into one whole. at the same time, i'm trying not to put myself at the centre of the universe, trying not to allow myself to get swallowed up by my self-pity and other useless, wasteful emotions.

and i'm getting very frustrated cos i'm cycling through my itunes and it seems like there isn't a song to put what i feel into words. i need catharsis so badly, i need to get it all out, but i'm having so much trouble expressing myself. just look at the badly written paragraph above, i'm writing disjointedly and it's just not flowing. and when i try to explain it to you, it comes out as pure emotion - as just tears - and nothing i say can explain what i feel. which makes me seem and feel totally irrational. which i hate.



whatever it is, i just do not want to have anything to do with this. it may seem irrational, i don't care. but leave me out of all of this, it is irrelevant to my emotional universe now, and i am disinterested in any of this. for good reason - i'm feeling so distraught now, it makes sense to just stick to my emotional range of a teaspoon and not be bothered by irrelevant, senseless things. i have too many things to do, i have too much to live for. so please, stay far far FAR away. i don't want to say hello, i am not interested in making small talk, i just want you to keep away from me. yes, many "you"s in this post, please don't get confused.

goodbye.