I know you won't.

Major case of earworm, after I heard Carrie Underwood's I Know You Won't on the bus home this afternoon on my iPod.
Might be the tune, which really tugs at my heartstrings. Or might be the lyrics, which the emo shit side of me is always drawn to. We never grow out of emoness, do we.

Everytime I use the word "emo" on myself, I can't help but feel like I'm consciously trivializing the onset of my emotions. I don't know why, maybe it's cos I look back at all that's happened in the past and can't help but wish like hell it could all be attributed to being "just emo" - & young & stupid. I hate looking back, it's like peering into a glass darkly, cos I can't be sure what exactly happened anymore. Time seems to subjectivize my memories, and erode even the most upsetting, traumatizing, fit-inducing bits into a flat, boring blip. I just can't seem to remember, and while I would have given anything years ago when I was wallowing in all my self-made misery to be at this point now, where I've begun to forget - I'm struggling to hold on to anything that would help me reconstruct some of that darkness that I've walked out from. I feel so alienated from that memory now, it could be a storyline right out of a Korean drama and it I couldn't even identify the experience as mine. I'm never happy, am I. I created my own shit, glorified in swimming in it, and refused to be saved. Then now when I am at my safe place, I try to transport myself back to that past cos I feel so cheated that I have forgotten, I feel as if I've trivialized the entire issue by allowing myself to forget. (And I have.)

Maybe I trivialize all of that intentionally. Maybe I did it in the last few years that went by, so that I would be at this point when I'm so disconnected from it all, unconcerned, even. Perhaps "upset" would be the wrong emotion to use in this case to describe my feelings at realizing the extent to which I've forgotten. More like disappointed in myself, cos I've denied the importance of everything in my process of coping and healing. Ohwell. We win some, and we lose some - & hopefully it's not the things that really matter that we lose in our bartering with life.


Maybe I liked the song so much and it's stuck in my head now cos I can somewhat identify with it - or could have, anyway.

I know you don't mean to be mean to me
Cos when you want to, 
you can make me feel like we belong
We belong.


Lately you make me feel all I am, is a back-up plan.
I say I'm done and then you smile at me,
and I forget everything I said.


I buy into those eyes
And into your lies.


You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you




You say you'll call, but I know you won't.






Tonight, I mourn for the me I cannot recreate in my memory, and I feel sad for the me I can sort of remember somewhat muddily and very unfaithfully inaccurately in my head. For, if time were not linear as I was taught in secondary school physics, but is instead, circular, a concept I've been more and more exposed to as I read my lit books - the idea of sequentiality as I know it would not be as it is, and the me I pity for everything I cannot remember might be the me of tomorrow yet again with a different set of cause-effect factors. Cos right now, from my safe-place vantage point, I shudder and am terrified to think of the possibility of ever returning to the darkness and utter despondence of that time, even if it were brought about by something totally different. As much as I try to talk big and act as though I'm free - I think that I am only beginning to realize that I'm living my life in fear of rejection, callousness, and broken promises.


The fall from a little slice of heaven back to earth, is, afterall, going to be that much more painful and difficult to bear.



credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennyterasaki/3637716327/

On the precipice of losing control over my spending

Woe is me!

I just discovered a blogshop that sells bags in all shapes and sizes, and I foresee myself spending more money sooner rather than later :(:(

Seeing how I am quite fed-up with school at the moment, too.

Probably PMS-ing a fair bit at the moment, none of which helps keep my urge to spend ridiculous amounts of money on items I don't really need but instead, just want quite badly.




And really, some people can be so childish. Hello, grow up already? Are we still in primary school?
And, incompetence in any manner annoys me like hell to no end.

Oh, and today is a ridiculously sweltering day. I just checked the weather on google and I am not looking forward to 35deg celsius days the next two days.



Have I said this yet? -I am grouchy grrrrrrrrr

I am slightly superficial

I have written 500 words for the intro of my 2000 word essay, and I am still rather undecided if I should attempt to get up tomorrow morning at the utterly ridiculous time of 7.30am for my Utopias seminar at 10am.

All things considered, I am fairly inclined towards dragging myself out of bed and forcing a cup of coffee down my throat to wake me up somewhat. After all, I have skipped the last 3 weeks of my Utopias seminar and I am actually feeling all sorts of guilty just thinking about it. Guilty, and friggin' frightened cos I don't know what the hell is going on. My intention was to resume attendance for that from week 7 onwards, but I'm not sure if that would cost me my mid-term grade or not.

However, considering the fact that I have another 1500 words of my Pynchon essay to churn out by Tuesday, on top of the 150 word summary I need to produce for my PR issue tracking assignment - I may just stay in tomorrow to get all that work done.

Sigh. I am really rather undecided.


That aside. I just bought myself a new dress from lilypirates, which made me momentarily happy cos it was so much like the dress I was admiring on Serena from Gossip Girl when I was browsing through gossipgirlfashion.net. :)


Ta-dah!!






Isn't it a beauty??

Such a pretty addition to my wardrobe!! *gleeful*
The original piece that Serena wears is a piece from Blumarine's Spring/Summer 2006 collection.
Just a different colour, but the mint green is just as pretty and I'm getting it at just a fraction of a fraction of the original price :) :)



I was stoked for all of 5 seconds then I realised I had to pull some huge-ass stunt for my Pynchon essay and I got all depressed all over again. That, and I also remembered that my cupboard is really and truly bursting at the hinges and got even more mopey. I need to throw out half my entire wardrobe pronto, and I really want to take all my stuff down to the flea to sell off. Sigh. I could just sell my pre-loved stuff online, but I don't really have the time to take photos of my stuff at the moment.. Maybe in 8 weeks' time when all this madness has died down somewhat.


Okay and you know what, I still haven't decided if I should wake up for 10am Utopias tomorrow or not. And I also have not decided if I should get the Aldo stuff or not. Bah.

I am a very distracted (and sleepy) girl.

On one hand, I am trying to hammer out at least some semblance of an introduction for my Pynchon essay - if only to ease my sluggishly frazzled mind a bit.

On the other, I am also veryvery distracted by these items from Aldo which I am contemplating purchasing.





The afternoon heat is sapping away my energy. I can't seem to do either of these very simple tasks.
Urghhh :(

Gravity's Rainbow

My one week of legit break is almost over, and I am really quite screwed considering my workload this semester. I know, I promised to try to not whine in this space, butbutBUT - I can't help it!! My 2000 word Pynchon essay has not even begun to exist at this point as I type all this in, and this is very happily due on Tuesday by the way. I have a grand total of 3 other papers I need to start to work on, seeing how none of my groups are even slightly motivated to start anything, which just means I have to start divvying up parts of the report for each of us to concentrate on. I also have to read 2 books for my utopias class, which I have seemingly neglected over the last month or so, since the mid-term is in week 7, a mere 2 weeks from now. All that aside, I also have to start to read a lot more so that I will have an inkling of what I want to write about for my 2500 word utopia essay, and the 4000 word Pynchon essay that's worth a whopping 50% of my total grade for the class.

ARGH. And Chinese New Year doesn't even seem to be properly past yet!!! Ridiculous.
So much work to do, so little time. I am wondering if this is due to yet another semester of bad planning, or whether it's just that - a f*ckload of work that nevernever ends.

Whatever it is, two things I am absolutely certain of. Firstly, my urge to shop increases exponentially with the amount of work I am facing, and thus the frequency to spend money with a bit more wild abandon. Secondly, the arc of the rainbow shows me that nothing can escape from the forces of gravity; everything that goes up will come down at some point or the other, every tendency toward order will precipitate the onset of a certain kind of disorder somewhere else - the trajectory of the arc of the rainbow tells me that, just like the curve of the Poisson distribution. So what this really tells me is that as I strive to put the shambles of my school life into some semblance of order, this will result in disorder in some other aspect of my life, unavoidably. So I have to ready myself for the onset of chaos cos entropy is the natural state of things, & in the greater scheme of things, there will always be a tendency towards a larger disorder in spite of the little clumps of order that only seem to form some sort of pattern.

AHEAD:

Could one move forward by walking backwards?
Reach the sky by falling down.
Stop time, freeze it
See the world in my crystal ball.
The lamp flickers as I run by
Velvet wings of a bat
Moonshine that turns into sunshine
In the blink of an eye.

I know of someone who used to reach for the stars
Think nothing,
Completing that song in her heart.
Optimism brimming over in a wisp of fairy dust
Caressing, stroking, murmuring a lullaby -

Snap,
the neck of a frightened quail.












Oh, & I know not a very good note to end off with, but happy CNY dear friends :)

"Will you be my Valentine?"

I think Clem reads my blog (even though he never comments), cos tonight we actually went out and did something! It was the best Friday I had in a very long time, and I didn't want to go home. Aw I sound all teenagey all over again, suddenly hahaha.

Valentine's Day after tuition - it was actually a pretty good movie, and I enjoyed it, even though the papers panned it in the review sections. Reminded me a lot of Love Actually, which I watched when I was like what, 16? Funny how V Day  made me all warm & fuzzy over a day I never really believed in outwardly. Of course, I've secretly always sort of wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day, especially when I was single and saw the stream of in-love couples walking in the malls on the day itself. Made me want to get a boyfriend to spend the day with. Now that I'm actually in a relationship and there's actually someone to spend the day with, I never really had any burning desire to celebrate by buying into the whole commercialism of the thing (hence the skyhigh prices of practically anything fit for consumption/enjoyment on every 14 Feb).

Curiouser & curiouser!





But watching movies like that always make me momentarily forget my ire with the mechanism of mass production of culture - Valentine's Day included - and makes me wish I could have a bouquet of flowers delivered to wherever I am with a card asking me: "Will you be my Valentine?"

I never had the chance to say yes.

6 resolutions for CNY to rid myself of dependency

I've been one messed up ball of emotions the past week. The mid-terms took a lot out of me - you know how I don't settle for mediocrity. So I pushed myself like hell, studying as if it were finals. The PR paper went terribly terribly badly, and I got my period in the morning of the paper to top it all off, so I am pissed off with myself there. Slept my entire Wednesday afternoon away, just so I would feel better so I wouldn't disappoint Clem by being not able to go for his steamboat reunion dinner thingy at Crystal Jade.

That all being said and done...
And I'm beginning to hate my dependence on you. I'm trying so hard to not need your constant presence and support, but it's taking so much out of me. This semester, I've been feeling like a fish out of water, what with my heavy new media module-load tipping my academic equilibrium slightly. My parents have been uncommonly agitated and antsy too (and I put that down to them only having one daughter at home to fuss about now), and life in the house has been horrid to the point of unbearable lately. My one comfort is knowing that you'll always be there for me - and when I realise that that's increasingly not possible on school days now, I'm beginning to panic a bit.

Sigh. I sound so self-centred, I hate it. I know that our relationship isn't all about you being here for me and showering me with attention all the time, I know that it's a bit of give and take all the time. I don't really know what I should do from here. This is precisely why I never wanted to get too vulnerable, never wanted to let my guard down at all. I was so stupid about falling into some sort of dependency issue here that has all the qualities of parasitism at the moment: I just can't do this anymore.

I need to tell myself that I don't need you around to walk my hard roads with me - you've got enough on your plate as it is since you begun work. I need to learn to deal with it, to suck everything up and just breathe on my own, and everything will be fine, just like I used to be able to cope. I need to stop looking forward to empty weekends that we both just spend catching on on precious sleep, no more of the irresponsibility of capricious weekend gallivanting, trawling malls and having endless lunches/dinners/suppers, watching movie after movie. I need to stop needing to hear your voice just to fall asleep - I need to be able to put myself to sleep without anyone's help. I need to stop all this bullshit because I hate feeling helpless and weak.


So some resolutions I have made that should help me be in more control of my life again:
1. I will not press you to talk to me night after night anymore, when clearly all you want and need is sleep. A simple, short "good night" will suffice.
2. I will not look forward to having fun on weekends again, when clearly all you want and need again - is to catch up on rest. I will, instead, channel all my energy into my work, as it should have been from the start anyway.
3. I will not let you buy anything for me ever again, simply because I don't think I should be letting you waste your money on me and my indulgences.
4. Whenever I feel like crying (like now, actually), I will not hurry to pick up my phone and dial your number anymore. I must deal with my own emotions because I can.
5. I will not tolerate bullshit from anyone anymore, including too-nice attempts to be nice to Toadette - because I will not be a hypocrite and try to be nice to someone I clearly do not like for very many reasons. I do not like people who wallow in their own self-pity and insecurities, because I hate it when I do it myself and I expect you to hate it of yourself too. Everyone is, after all, insecure and broken to large extents, so I'm starting to be weary of your thinly veiled attempts at sympathy/attention/sheer stupidity and retardedness, playing the "oh look at me I'm so insecure" card. Enough bullshit. Reason, yes. Excuse, no - sorry. If you want me to go on and elaborate about why I think I'm "broken", go read my previous blog.
6. I will spend all my energy being a nerd, finishing up all my reading and beginning on any of my 3 reports. That way, I won't bug you.




Looks like a cheery list of CNY resolutions. I clearly have issues and I clearly have not grown out of my emo-ness. HA.

If you can't fix it... don't break it.

I DO NOT FEEL LIKE STUDYING FOR PR AT ALL.

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhh :( :( :(
I'm doing every single thing 'cept study. I'm not the student I used to be.

How numb I am beginning to feel.

I must keep at this with dignity & grace,

even though everything seems so bleak & bland.

It's always the hardest on the eve.

Down the rabbit hole I go..

Clem has said that I do nothing but whine lately in my posts, so I shall try not to do that this time round.
Believe me, I didn't intend to do nothing but complain! It's just that the last week or so has been an insane rush for me, what with the sudden realization of the not one but two mid-terms were about to beset me, and the panic brought about by the beginning of all my projects. I was and am overwhelmed, majorly. And even now, I'm blogging on stolen time, seeing how I'm so frightfully behind on my studying for both mid-terms, both within a day of each other (wtf rawr).

Having had a tumultuous weekend, I find myself coming out of it bruised, scarred, and limping. I said many many hurtful things I should have, and in return, have heard many other hurtful things hurled back at me. I saw someone snap a plastic pen in a flash of rage, felt unwanted and unloved for the first time in a longest time ever. Nonetheless, with the weekend fast behind me, I turn to face the oncoming week. Bring it on, I say. Hurl everything you've got at me, you'll find that it all won't suffice to break me. (Oh gosh am I tempting fate?)


Sometimes, I forget what it's like to not be ambitious, to not keep wanting to achieve and attain and shine. I'm addicted to that, the feeling of accomplishing something, anything. It all drives me to keep pushing myself, harder and harder - and it makes the failure all the harder, too. That's not even to say I'm some superstar achiever or anything like that, far from it. I guess I'm just doing all I can to stave away mediocrity, which I detest. It's the same principle as my decision to only wear fricking high heels, or else - flats. I don't wear kitten heels or anything less than 4 inches; I don't do in-betweens very well. Yes I know, this is something I've repeated to death already, but it's something I cling on to ever-so-tightly. That being said, I have a million things I want to do, and I daresay now's the right time to get them all done with my can-do attitude at the mo'. I reckon I'll be deflated in a couple of days - just a regular blimp on my schedule if you know what I mean, so now's the time, more than ever.

I've got manymany books to read, a blogshop to re-open, and my body to lick back into shape.
So down the rabbit hole I go, not knowing what waits for me at the end of the long fall.

epic fail day

It's a Thursday night, I am studying for my mid-terms, and I am kinda sick of stating the obvious. Now it suddenly becomes clear again to me why I chose to major in literature and not new media: the mugging is something I abhorred and abhor.

I do not think successful people in advertising can tell me the 4 key components of the marketing and promotions process model - nor do I think I will be able to tell you that come May after I no longer have any use for such information. But I have to try to squeeze all of this into my brain before Tuesday, and I'm a bit skeptical about how it's gonna happen.


Why is it that we're always stuck doing what we ought to and not entirely what we want? Is that a condition of life per se, hence I am making entirely too big a fuss over nothing, really - or is that something that shouldn't be? I can't decide, just as I cannot decide how I should best slay this huge dragon which is the business of studying for my mid-terms next week.

Mid-terms in week 5 are, by the way, an entirely ridiculous affair on several counts. "Mid-term" suggests the middle of the term. The term, being 13 weeks long in total, would have as its mid-point somewhere between weeks 6 and 7. Because week 5 does not in any way fall within that week 6-7 window, I therefore conclude that labelling such stupid tests as "mid-terms" is a falsification and therefore, the notion should be rejected due to its illogicity. Damn if only NUS could read this train of thought. More stellar than any of my efforts at mugging have been thus far, I must say.

Speaking of stellar - today was a spectacularly epic fail day. I woke up late, rushed to get to school on time, realised I forgot to bring my wallet, fell asleep in front of the tv of Clem's living room while I was supposed to be getting ready for my first run this week. I am an utter failure today, and today was shiteous. May tomorrow be everything today wasn't. Thankyou.


I am going to plop on my bed to read the remaining 10 pages of chapter 2 of advertising. I am hoping that a change of location would help this dismal endeavour somehow. Something tells me I'm neglecting PR, btw. ROAR.

I think I've hit my quota of the sem for retarded year 1s.

I have some major issues in my life. And I am only beginning to face up to them, one by one, painfully.

I think it's time to face up to the fact that... I am addicted to shopping. I am fricking addicted!!! I shop and shop and shop for nothing in particular, and it's not even as if I can wear everything I buy right now. I keep telling myself that I'm buying this dress for work, stocking up, you know, that sort of thing. But obviously, when I actually start working, I'll shop for a whole new wardrobe all over again anyway. So, what the hell am I doing?! Sigh. Bonitochico is seriously one money-sucking blackhole. I cannot cannot keep checking for new collections - cos everytime they launch, I get stuff. I just spent $85.50 on 3 items, and I am eyeing another 4 items. Royally screwed right. How, I need to control myself. And throwing myself into work isn't helping either cos I'm so distracted. Maybe I should disable my internet.


I also think it's time for me to realize that school has finally started, horrible fact of life that may be. I seem to be deluded in my attempts to evade anything school related, and I find myself suddenly thrust into the horrifying fact that next week is week 5, and I have two bloody mid-terms next week. LIKE HELLO, SCHOOL JUST BEGUN. :( :( :( :( :( :( And I discover to my horror x20 that I have a 2000 word essay due in 3 weeks' time, just after CNY. Why am I such a horrible student this semester? I have zero motivation, zero drive, zero anything. I just want to while my life away at home in bed. Speaking of bed. I haven't had enough of my beloved bed since wretched school begun. I hop out of bed at 720am (lately I've been bad at that but that's just temporary I promise), and hop back into bed only past 12am most nights. Like tonight. I'm staying up doing random things like downloading sound card drivers hoping hoping hoping that sound will be restored on my lappie. I need to get the sound up by the week after CNY for the 2nd Life tutorial I'm supposed to attend then. I absolutely REFUSE to go back to sch to sit in the computer lab like a pathetic fool just so I can attend my 2nd Life tutorial. I will even attend it without sound FROM MY HOME if I have to, just have to muddle along and pretend I have sound or some shit.


And today I met this supremely annoying ignorant year 1 English Language major. Such a prick omg. He said to me rather casually: "I heard you EN majors have it so much easier than us EL majors."


WTF!!!!!! Like seriously are you a nitwit?!


I don't go around telling that to TS majors, nor do I do that to EL majors. We're supposed to be "one big happy family" in the English Language and Literature Department, you dimwit!!!! Obviously, this poor chap is not going to last very long for very well in NUS, being such a dullard and downright dumb. But I was seething at his trite comment! Felt SO MUCH LIKE SOCKING HIM. First violent tendency in 2010 woohoo. Sweetheart, your preconceived notion of more difficult = better is sadly sadly outdated, and belongs in the attic. Furthermore, you're a puny year 1, so it does come across as fairly presumptious when you claim such things fecklessly. What do you know of how "easy" literature is? Especially when you follow your comment with something so appallingly DIM: "I don't like literature cos I don't like to think of stories as literature, as being written by someone." What bloody stage of pre-pubescence are you stuck in? Why do you still assume that stories just happened, that no one had to make them up? Sigh.


DUMBASS.



My driver is still downloading. Sigh. I need to sleep soon so I can wake up early. Gotta crack that advertising text open for the first time this entire sem.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

3 weeks into the semester and I'm both loving and hating it. I never have a simple reaction to any one thing, & it's pretty annoying, I must admit. But school... Ah. I have such a love-hate relationship with school and studying, I don't even know where to begin! I absolutely abhor travelling to school on the 857-151 bus route in the mornings at 8.30am, detest waking up at 7.30 in the morning, do not like trudging to school for just that 1 or 2 hours - I like to pack my days so I get the most out of them. I am starting to panic over the amount of reading that's piling up: Pynchon is an absolute bitch to read, and I'm a bit worried (okay understatement there) about what I'm even gonna write for my 1st essay on that. Not too worried about utopia & dystopia, rather enjoying it, really. But the NM modules are posing a bit of a worry to me cos of the massive projects they involve. I'm never the best at project work. :(

Mondays are my most exhausting days cos I'm in school from 10am-8pm, then Tuesdays come close on the "tiring" scale with 10am-4pm back-to-back classes. Wednesdays and Thursdays are the what I hate the most cos I only have a lecture from 10am-12pm on Weds, and beat this: a 2pm-3pm tutorial slot on Thursday. WTF RIGHT.

Sigh I have to go start cooking the purely experimental olive fried rice for the potluck I was supposed to be at tonight. I didn't mean to just whine in this post today, but I have no time for anything else, but.

I am also very irritated with my computer's seemingly non-existent sound card. This has meant I have not watched Gossip Girl, Big Bang Theory, or ANTM since last November/December, nor have I listened to any songs from my iTunes. Majorly irritating, but I have to do something about that real soon. Before the really dumb 2nd Life tutorial I'm gonna have to attend in Feb for one of my NM modules. 

May 2010 be as beautiful as 2009 has been.

HAPPY 2010 TO ALL YOU LOVELY PEOPLE WHO'RE READING THIS RIGHT NOW! :)

Kinda belated, but it's never too late for well wishes, I've been told. :)
2009 was an eventful year in more ways than one, and I wouldn't have traded any of what my year was for anyone else's experience of 2009. I got to travel with Clem my love in the US of A and Canada, experience living life all by myself in a totally different environment, really touch and walk through snow, and live through winter, take a road trip up the East coast of Canada from Guelph to Quebec city and back again, suffer through a painful semester of harsh NUS academic reality, get proposed to way beyond my wildest most romantic dreams.

No siree, wouldn't trade any of these for the world. Not even the countless screaming matches I had with my parents, cos all of those just made me all the more self-aware and made me realise my own faults more than anything else. I'm bad as well as quick tempered, hugely annoyingly hyperbolic when I'm hopping mad, and I do recognise my propensity for petulance and my-way-or-the-highway sort of behaviour. I'm selfish - try as I may not to be, very messy and careless, and have a huge weakness for buying new clothes, shoes and bags every so often.

You may be wondering why I've chosen to write about my own irrepressible awfulness for my 1st post of the new year - but I'm not sadistic nor am I pessimistic about my upcoming year, given my million and one personal faults. Rather, what I am doing now is acknowledging myself for who I really am, and with that knowledge, try to behave contrary to my natural tendencies in the upcoming year. I'm not saying I'll be a changed person just by wanting to be, but I do want to not be so horrid a person, that I really do.

I want to be less mean-spirited, critical and petty. I want to be more giving, loving, and generous. I do not want to live my life constantly disliking something or someone or the other - it's a painful way to live life. Hate only consumes oneself, it does nothing to the person you hate on. The head knows but the self finds it difficult to stop hating and keep loving.

I want to be more driven in my schoolwork because I know there's so much more I can offer. I was determined not to languish in pathetic second-lower class honours mediocrity, and I still am - though I am tending towards resignation of my undeniable lackadaisical academic standing. This upcoming sem, I will write my Honours Thesis on the function of fantasy in children's literature, and I am absolutely determined not to shortchange myself with my laziness. I will be disciplined in my reading and writing, and I will begin tomorrow.

I also want to clear out all the junk in my room and sell off the clothes in my wardrobe I no longer wear. Even if I only make 10 bucks per piece, I wouldn't mind. My messy room is really killing me, clutter is making me feel suffocated.


Last but not least, I am fricking determined to finally get into shape. 2010 will be the year when I am no longer lethargic, flabby, and fat. I've been running and going to the gym 5 out of the last 7 days, and I feel so much better and more alive at this point. It's more than just vanity that makes me want to exercise, though I have to admit that wanting to keep my figure is a huge motivator. I need my mind to learn discipline and tenacity for my final year in uni - I cannot let myself leave university with nary a fizzle come December 2010.

May 2010 be as beautiful as 2009 has been. :)
I'm a very blessed girl.

My December thus far, summarized.

The past few weeks since exams ended have been a non-stop whirlwind of activity. I am appalled and surprised, given my sedentary nature.

For the sake of remembering what it was exactly that kept me occupied this December, I will try to recall my days here in this blog. It's hard though, cos it seems to be a special property of December when every day seems to blend into each other, leaving me in one big happy blur of festive cheer and excitement.

3-7 December

I spent 4 days with Clem doing everything ranging from movie-marathoning to suppering and shopping. I also spent the 7th packing for the KL trip, which I did very haphazardly and quickly cos I came home late that night.

8-12 December 

KL was beset by a clan of Angs! :D Flew off to KL in the morning of the 8th and we hit the shops and the food non-stop til we left on the evening of the 12th. It was also my first time in a Malaysian club and I think the Zouk in Singapore pwns the one in KL, anytime. Most boring club I've ever been to in my life. Shopped, ate and spent time with the cousins and Clem, which was probably the best part of the entire 5 days. I like these big family trips, makes me relive my childhood spent with so many people surrounding me.

On the way from the airport to KL itself!

Yellow-table restaurant with super good food.

Salted egg calamari (I liked the salted egg a lot heh), shellfish, satay...

Abriel: RIBENA HUP! :D

Ribena flavoured muachee which was damn hup la.

Where I had the best Peking duck & sio ba in my life.

Just thinking of it makes me want to fly back there pronto!

One of our many feasts!

My very lovely family and boyfriend :)

I'll do a separate post for that soon when I have time to sort through all the photos!

But for now, these will do :)

13 December

I spent this miserable day at home in bed with a very bad bout of cramps.

Was supposed to be helping out for confirmation mass, but I couldn't even get out of bed.

14-15 December

Then off I went to Malacca with Clem, and Tri & Andy! Had such a good time with the bestie and the boyfriend, what more could I want or need? :) Ate a motherload of food, we had something like 5 meals a day. Heh. The hotel we booked was really pretty to boot, was a Peranakan place.

Watched Princess & the Frog too for like half the price it would have been in Singapore.

Some pictures just to sort of remember the gist of the two days:

The view from the other room!

The satay steamboat thingy we had.

Super good at first, but damn jelat after a while!

Fricking good chendol but I think we got ripped off. RM3 bloody hell.

The view of Malacca from the top of the hill of the ruins of the church.

How cool are we, we actually found the night market that the locals frequent.

And we ate ourselves silly. :)

16 December

Went to church with Clem for his Jam with the Lamb session before heading to Timbre to meet up with the CNM girls - Praise, Eunice, Maryanne. I got there too late and they were about to leave already, but that didn't stop Clem and I from staying on to enjoy EIC and some buffalo wings. Hehe.

17 December

Clem's family day - his cousin got married, and it was an all-day affair!

18 December

Went down to school for my first HT meeting with Susan Ang. Was fricking nervous at first but turned out all right :) Was also very re-affirmed by her faith in my intelligence heh.

Came back home and went for a movie with the family.

19 December

Lunched with Clem near his place and went shopping for some of the picnic items for Monday.

Dropped by Timbre in the evening to see Shaun and the guys, before heading off for Geylang tau huey.

And, damn suay, got fined $70 for parking illegally. First time in like 2 years it's happened.

20 December

Went to Marcus's place for a little steamboat cum drinking get-together with some of the lit hons people.

Didn't get to take pics on my cam, so I hope some of the other pics taken find their way to fb soon! Heh.

21 December

CLEM PROPOSED TO ME TODAY.

This definitely deserves a separate post, but I am officially engaged. :) :)

The pretty lilies Clem surprised me with when he came to pick me up :)

22-23 December

The 22nd was spent going down to town to resize my ring and trying frantically to retrieve my exam results via all possible avenues. Finally found out that it was cos owed NUS money. Fricking irritating.

Clem and I also watched Avatar in 3D! :) Really cool stuff there!

The 23rd was spent going down to NUS to pay my stupid bills. Had damn good char kway teow at Ghim Moh market (1/2 queue!!)

Came home and dinnered with Tri dear before heading off to town again to pick up some last minute shopping. I think I also cleaned my room while Tri came over in the afternoon to study.

24 December

Christmas eve!!

Woke up late and spent the afternoon running around the house wrapping presents and cleaning my room. (So random, I know) Went for 9pm Mass cos Clem heard Fr Joe was coming back. But I don't think I like 9pm Mass very much, it just doesn't really feel like Christmas then.

Dropped by Samantha Neubronner's place for Clem's Acts II party, then off we went to Shaun's for the usual Christmas eve hang out. No pics cos I was so demoralized upon finding out that my card reader is not compatible with Windows 7. :( I really need to get one that's Windows 7 compatible ASAP.

25 December

It's Christmas Day!!

Full family day!

 Dragged my carcass out of bed for tea at my dad's side and gift exchange at 3pm.

Rushed over to mom's side for fabulous home-cooked dinner.

26 December

Met up with Denise, Tim and Andy for ice-cream at Udders in the afternoon.

Went for evening Mass then went to Justin's place for the ZJ Christmas party.

Clarke Quay-ed with the guys after that, went to a couple of bars and drank myself somewhat silly. Was spouting nonsense by the time I got home at 4am.

27 December

It's Angs' Day today! It's an annual thing my family has where some branches of my extended family come together to play games and eat for a day. Played games like coconut bowling, bucketball, badminton, and table-tennis. It was Clem's first time there this year! No pics cos I looked horrendous with just 4 hours of sleep last night. Hah.

So that pretty much sums up my December so far. Some of the days deserve separate entries and photo collages, but I have not time or energy to do either at the moment. Also, my computer is not co-operating with me especially after I upgraded to Windows 7. Programmes that I have become so reliant on like Photoshop and Picasa have to be reinstalled. And my WoW!!!!!!! :( :( :(

I am sad that December is fast coming to a close, cos looking back, it's been the fullest month of my entire year. The rest of the year save for the May-June-July break, I have practically no life. Shows how dedicated a student I am. Heh.

I am bushed. I will go sleep now.

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
& what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions.
Rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told & some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait & see.
Someday we'll find it,
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, & me.

Who said that every wish would be heard & answered,
When wished on the morning star?
Someone thought of that,
& someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
& what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it,

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers, & me.

All of us under its spell,

We know that it's probably magic

Have you been half-asleep,

& have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?

The voice might be one & the same.

I've heard it too many times to ignore it,

It's something I'm supposed to be.

Someday we'll find it,

The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers & me.

So the sun rose today and everything seemed much better when I got up. Although, I did get up with a terrible tummyache and headache cos I only managed to fall asleep past 2 last night :/

Popped a panadol and a bottle of po chai pills after breakfast hoping I'd feel better after. Dad drove me to school and I felt like crap in the car. Felt like puking. Ugh. Dunno why also. I arrived in school feeling royally screwed cos 1) I felt shitty and 2) I felt like I didn't study at all in the last 1.5 weeks I spent (wasted, more like) at home. Paper was rather easy, to my surprise, but my glee didn't last long when it hit me that everyone would probably find it easy too. Delayed reaction today heh.

But all that whining aside. EXAMS FOR THIS SEM ARE OVER!! *rubs hands in glee*

Headed to town to meet Clem immediately after I got everything I needed done on campus (ie after I summoned the courage to collect my Forman things - which didn't turn out badly at all by the way :D) We movie marathoned today in our bid to usher in the beginning of the December revelry. Watched Couples Retreat then Ninja Assassin (which was super gory omg). Today was also a day of fantastic food. Tried out the Sakae teppenyaki at Cineleisure, and had The Hand Burger for dinner, which was totally fab. Clem has pics on his phone, so I can't post any thing up. But it was goooooood :)



Okay I shall go to bed soon. Viola's parcel arrived for me today but one item was missing >:( I dunno if she forgot, or if she purposely did it this way cos her stocks are kept in different places or something. Whatever it is, I've emailed her and I hopehopehope she sends my other dress on too. If not, $28 bucks gone, just like that. Sigh. First missing item shopping at BC - definitely NOT a pleasant experience. On one hand, I don't want to be a difficult customer, on the other, I am quite disappointed cos I did pay for my things.

I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR STUPID MONEY ANYMORE.
I HATE YOU.

DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT YOU'RE RUINING MY STATE OF MIND FOR MY EXAM TOMORROW?
NO, OBVIOUSLY NOT.



GO FLY A BIG KITE.
JUST GO.

10-0

I just had a run in with my parents over the most retarded thing ever. Once again, I am extremely disappointed by how all this has turned out - on the eve of my final paper no less. Bravo for bad timing and utter disregard for anyone else.

Superbly timed I must say.


10-0 to the parents this time round.



I think that it's actually sad that I've spent most of my life not wanting to grow up to be like you. Almost a tragedy, actually. Almost, but of course, it wouldn't really matter would it.

What a lazy afternoon this is turning out to be. Like most of my other weekday afternoons, come to think about it. I'm aspiring to be a piglet. Eat, sleep, shop. Well, a chic piglet, then. Heh. My medieval lit preparations are deplorable, I'm so screwed. I have no motivation to touch any academia anymore, I wonder how I'm gonna make it through another year of school. I always thought I'd want to stay in school forever, but I think I've reached a point where I don't really want to continue being a student already and I really wish next sem was my last.

I called AirAsia this afternoon and good God, it was the first time I seriously felt like telling a CS officer off, ever. I'm generally tolerant and I try to be nice because I know it musn't be easy to take calls the entire day. But seriously, does AirAsia employ half-wits for their CS helplines or what? I felt like I was trying to teach a child how to speak English. Bad bad bad service. I am now rethinking flying up to London on AirAsia next year now.


My blogshopping has been quite under control lately. I've sobered up to the reality that I have no more income for the next year and I'm adjusting my spending accordingly. I'm just such a sucker for chiffon and satin dresses, even though I have a dearth of events to attend. What I really need at the moment is a pair of simple black heels and a black waisted belt. Very basic items that will prop up my entire wardrobe.




And I think I may not be able to write my HT on Harry Potter after all. Susan Ang does not like Harry Potter. I shall either have to convince her, or let her convince me. I think it will be easier to just allow myself to be convinced since I am merely an undergrad, without a PHD to my name. First meeting's set up for 17th Dec, 11am. I am half looking forward to it, and half dreading it now. |

Funny, how I completely failed to mention medieval lit on the 3rd of Dec. I think I'm selectively blocking out dates already.

I'm going for a walk with my wing now :)

HARRY POTTER HERE I COMEEEEEEEEEEEE

The week is zooming by far too quickly for me. Before I know it, it's gonna be Friday tomorrow already. And what constructive thing have I done? I can't think of ANYTHING. I still have to call up AirAsia to change the tickets for the KL trip, but it's such a pain in the ass to get through. I really wish I had more hours in my day. The hours are just ticking by me without me even realizing they're passing. :(

Breakfast with Cheryl this morning was good though. Forgot to bring my camera, so didn't take any photos. My hair is really in a terrible state these days anyway, so I wouldn't look good in pictures anyway, so no motivation to take any. Prata then coffee and hours and hours of catching up is really good. :)

On a totally different track, I got my Children's Lit Honour's Thesis topic!!!!!! Am very very grateful that I got it, and that I was allocated Susan Ang for my supervisor. I foresee myself enjoying writing it! I have absolutely no idea how they allocate topics though. :/ Doesn't seem transparent at all. But, I am very grateful, cos my CAP is so bad and I thought I'd be given leftover topics no one else wants to take up. Thank you, God, you obviously haven't left me for dead yet.



Alright have to shower and change to head out to Zirca tonight with Chels. I'm so happening for someone who still has exams next week! :D

medieval lit is not my cup of tea.

I've been trying to study for medieval lit, I really have! It's just so boring and my mind's turned to other things, like how to make more money and well - how to make money, actually. I'm hatching a tuition scheme to take over my estate. Muahahahaha! Yeah right, I can't even hatch a blogshop scheme to make enough money. Sigh. I dunno. I have no interest in medieval lit at all. Well, but Gawain was quite interesting and easy to read. I just need to find some criticism about it so that I can write a decent exam that won't reflect my lack of attention the last 13 weeks of school. All this trying to make up for work not done is very tiring and stressful. The onus is now on myself to create the illusion of being diligent and conscientious and all-together, quite clever. Or rather, not totally vapid.

I was reading Chaucer last night before I went to bed and I actually quite enjoy reading it. I should have started enjoying medieval way before this point, cos that B- on my first essay and a dismal presentation are kinda already there, nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Speaking of getting rid of. I want to get rid of the skinny black/grey-and-white minor cat. It's been bugging me the last few nights, constantly obsessed with trying to climb through my window and sit on my notes. Bloody hell okay! I got a shock early Sunday morning when I saw this four-legged creature at my window, jumping through the top grille and landing on my notes under the sill. I shooed it away and it jumped right through again, and sat outside to stare at me. Annoying cat. I generally like cats, but this is TOO MUCH. So the next night I went to bed with the window mostly closed so that the grille wouldn't be exposed - and to my consternation, I was woken up by scrabbling noises outside my window AGAIN. It was the stupid annoying cat climbing up the netting at my window trying to push the glass aside. Like omg, how persistent and obsessive can you get??? Ugh! I was really damn irritated, so I turned on the air-con last night. Now I think if I see that cat at my house, I'll spray it with the spray gun my mother uses to iron.


But I must say, sleeping with the window safely shut was quite soothing to my frayed nerves last night. Lucky the cat didn't try to jump into my room last week when I was still at the peak of my essaying madness. I think I would have thrown something breakable at it cos my temper was so short then.



There are too many nice clothes in the world, and I have far too little money. I am an economic problem.

I've spent the entire day in school today. Weirdest feeling ever, since I hate coming back to school on non-class days. But my shrub wanted to study in school, so I complied. :D I'm such a nice shrub la, I deserve special flowering fertilizer to help me bloom. Heh.

Well, but I AM glad I came to school. I got to pick up the essays Prof Patke marked! I was terrified of collecting them initially, as I always am before I collect any essay. My fears for philo this sem have been too founded for my liking, as was medieval lit. So I was really damn scared for the two pomo/poco essays. But to my hugest relief, I got two As - an A for the magical realism one, and an A- for the Coetzee one. Can't complain at all, and I am extremely blissed out, cos it's a 100% CA mod. So this means I've secured at least an A- for 60% of the class. I think I got a B+/A- for my midterm test, which was also 30%. So I'm more or less secured of at least a B+ I hope.

I'm trying so hard to read Plato's Republic now for the philo exam on Sat morning, but I'm so unfocussed. I did 3 practice papers today, and my brain is kinda non-responsive. But I need to press on, I need to get an A for the remaining 35% of PH1101E up for grabs. I refuse to be taken down by a level 1 module this sem. I'm gonna pwn the paper on Sat.



And I'm gonna pwn my cramps next month too, I have too many plans at stake. I don't fancy puking my guts out of the car on the way up to Malacca with Clem, Tri + Andy.

The most beautiful woman in the world I may not be, but I am gonna be the world's most ambitious woman for the next second or so.

I cannot begin to describe how delicious it feels to have nothing to do except mindlessly click on the "Hunt" button in Mouse Hunt every 15 minutes, and whiling my time away scheming on how best to spend the tuition fees I've just collected. I'm already planning to spend a substantial portion of it on new clothes, but I'm trying my best to reign in the urge to splurge cos I have so many other things I still want to do with my money. Like saving up for my many many trips, and getting married.


Haha getting married! I sound so solemn and serious! But it's true, must plan what.
I shall stop mousing and go to bed tucked in with a Harry Potter book to put me to sleep.
And, when I wake up, I will know what I should and should not buy. And start reading my philo text for the exam on Saturday.

My medieval lit essay is being born very very painfully. I'm at 7 pages, and almost done, but I feel like it's extremely badly written. I'm already so restless, I want to do so many other things like now. One of the hugest things I feel like doing is to play World of Warcraft, but I can't cos my computer doesn't have enough space anymore. :(


UGH I AM INCOHERENT.


Walk, walk, fashion baby
Work it, move that, bitch, crazy

I am beyond exhausted - if there's a point beyond that. I woke up this morning (if you can call it waking up) feeling like I'd just closed my eyes and blinked, rather than having slept for three hours. So I got up this morning, floating around and feeling like I'm looking through a glass. Tiredness makes one detached. On the other hand, I found my temper excessively short too, and my tongue uninhibitedly sharper than usual. Downed a cup of cheap 60cents coffee from the canteen this morning and I feel somewhat more human now. But still like I'm living in some sort of magical reality. Everything seems so strange, even as they seem familiar.



My fingers are twitching strangely.

last day of classes and i'm gonna be Helen of Troy!

I AM ALMOST DONE WITH MY POCO/POMO ESSAY #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the conclusion to polish it up and tie everything together. C'mon Kelly keep that brain going for just a while longer!!


Anyway, tomorrow is the lit dress-up party! I'm not usually a huge fan of dress-ups and such, cos it's just so mahfun, but since it's the last day of the sem, and I'm in a pretty good mood since after I'm done with this horrendous shitty Coetzee essay, having only ONE paper left to do, I have decided to play along. Because it's late and because I need to try to feel good about myself again, I've decided to go as.............................








Helen of Troy!!

I'm sure my friends will enjoy a good dose of irony, since I am obviously not the most beautiful woman in the world in any sense of the phrase. Irony is a literary concept, and Helen is a character from the Aeneid, so I score double points for my get up!

And I have more superficial reasons for deciding to go as Helen. Just because I have a very pretty white grecian dress and I dunno where else I would wear it to save a wedding or something. :D




What shoes should I wear!! And bag!

My concentration span has all but switched already ugh.
Speaking of concentration, I just remembered that I have a game report due tomorrow at 12 noon. I'm contemplating just rushing it out tomorrow morning at 9am. My brain's too dead to deal with anything else except the conclusion of my essay tonight. Oh, and what shoes/bag to wear/carry. Teehee. :)


I love the feeling of the last day of school!!!

My haul of 5 dresses has arrived in the mail this afternoon! I'm so excited to wear them and post pics of them, but since the boyfriend has my camera, I will have to wait til Sunday to do a massive photo update at one shot. My online shopping directory has expanded 10 fold since I begun, which is.. not good, since I have that much more options open to me now.


Sigh I really feel like I haven't got a life. I keep blogging cos I'm perpetually in front of my lappie, trying to write some essay or the other. I miss my friends, I wonder if they remember that I'm alive. :(

I'm so restless! :( Got jolted out of bed at 10.20am this morning with the infernal drilling coming from two houses down. This, after I went to bed at 4.30am last night. Growl. And it's so bloody disrupting to my concentration, I can't hear myself think. And I NEED to hear myself think cos my mind's such a crowded place at the moment, what with two essays floating around in there.Sigh. My cramps have been starting and stopping again, so I know I'm gonna be incapacitated really soon.


And. I've begun shopping again. :( Couldn't stop myself anymore. Damn I need an alternative source of income ASAP!!!!! Maybe I should start giving even more tuition, since my current stint is about to be over. But I'm such a picky-camper, I only want to teach within my estate cos I don't think I'll be able to properly commit if I have to travel out! How now brown cow? I need a job!! Was toying with the idea of reviving my blogshop again but I don't think I have the heart to - it's so discouraging and more trouble than it's worth! If I do another collection though, I'll be shifting everything over the lj. I've been shopping a lot more recently and I really prefer the comment function that lj affords you. But I'll need to get someone to help me model and get stocks from SOMEWHERE and ugh it's all so competitive these days, I dunno how I can overcome that.

OKAY enough random musing. I need to get right back to work on my poco/pomo essay. I kinda think I know what I want to write already, so let's just see if everything goes as smoothly as I think it should. But then again, things usually don't happen the way you want them to right? Case in point. Heh.

Woots 1 down, 2 more to go! I can take a breath for the next 35min, before I plunge headfirst into my next essay due on Friday. Unfortunately, I really don't know how I should spend this precious time. I've been browsing blogshops the entire day already (again! and I've not bought anything either, 2 pats on the back for me yay!)

Oh hmm my dad just turned the tv on, and Singapore Idol's showing.
Ima check it out for a bit!

I should have been essaying today, but I very shamefully spent a large portion of my day blogshop-surfing, just window shopping and well, window-shopping. I swore to myself I wouldn't buy anything else after yesterday, so I am very proud of myself of making good on my promise today! I need to make sure I stick to it til the end of the month at least cos this blogshopping thing is really a silent money-sucker. It's not as if I'm working and my purchases are in any way justified - the thing is I am not, so I shouldn't be spending like I am. 

The good thing is that I've looked at so many blogshops that I think I've reached a point where I'm starting to see the same thing in every shop, like similar styles - all lacey, crochety, body-con, togas; made in chiffon, silk/satin, usually - so I don't feel a huge urge to buy anything. I wonder if these blogshops even do product differentiation, cos I'm starting to think not. 

That aside. My proposal thingy for Forman due on Thursday is in pathetic shape. I am utterly sick of any Harry Potter related academic thing at the moment, so I am starting to wonder if deciding to do an academic exercise on something I absolutely loved was the stupidest thing I could do. While I still do love reading the books, I swear I will smash my computer screen in if I have to read another pseudo-academic Potter article again.  I've read more than enough of these studies over the weekend already, and I'm thoroughly sick of poring through them. 

And, remembering that I still have a poco/pomo essay due on Friday and a medieval essay due on Monday isn't improving my mood in any way. I'm at this point where I just wonder at why I'm even killing myself over all these, and I'm tempted to just fuck it all and let this sem roll to its inevitable end. My black eye rings are becoming permanent fixtures on my face, and my skin is home to several new pimple tenants. 

OKAY back to my proposal. I WILL get it done by tomorrow morning, so that I can start on poco/pomo. 

i feel like i'm stuck in one of those cyclical time Marquez novels, where time and actions keep repeating themselves and playing themselves out over and over again. i've spent a good portion of my day surfing blogshops, going back to the same blogs over and over again for no particular reason except to see if anything there will catch my eye again. i've gone onto perez a couple dozen times too. i keep playing with my hair, pouring myself cups of water to drink. and flicking the tv switch on and off.


when all's been said and done, i think my essay is just turning out very very badly and i don't know what the hell i'm writing anymore. i should be a lot more panicky, but strangely, i'm not in the least. i'm in this weird Zen state where i'm just doing everything else except my essay. i think i'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist.

ugh and i'm still feeling disgruntled and unsettled and too too restless.

rain & re-runs on cable.

it is freezing today. i am sitting in my living room with the mattress spread out and my favourite blanket wrapped around me as i try to make myself as comfortable as possible so that those creative juices will flow unhindered for the 1st poco/pomo essay due tomorrow. unfortunately, being so comfortable has made me pick up my tv remote for the 1st time in like a year, and i spent a good part of the afternoon channel surfing and watching re-runs of CSI, House, and drooling over those cooking shows on Discovery Travel & Living.

which i suppose is a huge improvement over my incessant urge to blogshop nowadays. i have seriously spent so much money buying things from blogshops. i wouldn't even shop like that when i'm out. i suppose it's cos each piece is priced deceptively at $26-$28, not including postage fees. i've accumulated 4 dresses and a bag so far, and that's not counting all those things that haven't arrived yet.


all this is making me extremely restless. i feel like i should be doing something more substantial with my life other than worrying over essay deadlines and buying a motherlode of clothes which i don't really need to begin with. maybe i should get down to writing that book i've been wanting to write all this while. problem is, i'm totally uninspired and thoroughly sick of writing.

and the brunch i whipped up for myself at 1130am seems like yesterday already. the bacon, eggs and soup have all but disappeared and my tummy's growling like it needs to be fed, pronto. BAH.


on a happier note, i think i shall actually do something tomorrow to celebrate my birthday! yay for me, at least something non-work related i can look forward to. :) :)

can't wait to wear some of my new clothes tomorrow!
okay i sound horrifically shallow and bubble-headed.

who cares, it's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyway.

so for the sole benefit of myself, i shall post up pictures of tomorrow! so that when i look back, i can see what i actually did with my days. :D

GAH

one mightily badly written philo essay down, two reports to churn out by tonight.

i'm fricking tired, having only slept at 6 this morning and crawling out of bed at noon. my head is pounding. i think i'm gonna take a little nap before i start on the reports.

the caterwauling of the cats outside my house is bordering on unbearable now.

the female must be in heat.

no more shopping!

i know i have to finish my philo essay by tonight, or i will not sleep at all. my mind will be buzzing with activity, arguments and counter-arguments running through my head at breakneck speed. i'm about one or two paragraphs away from a very satisfying rest, after which i will have to rouse myself again and work on the medieval lit report AND the game design play test summary report due on Friday. then slog it out over the weekend to put my Harry Potter presentation together for Monday. and then get my act together again to write the first of my two postcolonial essays by Friday. which reminds me, i have to beg for an extension from one of my professors for an essay.

and i'm suddenly feeling terrible. i've spent a motherlode of money on online shopping over the course of the last 3 weeks. what feels even more unjustifiable is the fact that i've only received ONE of the maybe 6 or 7 things i've bought - the rest of them were bought on backorders. i just paid $27.90 for a puff-sleeved dress from Oh So Fickle, which i'm expected to receive only on the 20th of November. i am soooooooooooooo weak-willed, seriously. money just flies out of my hands, even when i don't leave home. i need to get a grip on myself and save so i can shop my brains out when i go to Europe next May (!!!!!!!)

no more shopping.

only essaying.

tuesday night is big bang theory and gg night!

okay i am FINALLY getting somewhere with my essay: i've written an introductory paragraph that i am no longer ashamed to acknowledge.

i'm in two minds as to whether i should prepare my citations using the decidedly unfamiliar Chicago style (which apparently according to my tutor, is the style favoured by the field of academic philosophy, though i have my doubts on this), or the very-familiar MLA style which i have been memorizing and practising since the start of this semester.

sigh. i am turning out to be such a nerd. soon, i'll have fixed days for fixed routines, like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

Tuesday night is Big Bang Theory and Gossip Girl night.

milk a few cows

i've been doing A LOT of blog shopping these days. having to stay home to do my work hasn't dampened my shopping spirit at all. in fact, it's made me want to shop more, cos the ability to buy something is just there - with the sending of an email.

i woke up early cos i couldn't really sleep. and i wanted to do the 1st para of my philo essay which i was supposed to do last night but didn't. had my morning coffee (note to self: find good coffee ASAP!), and some breakfast, confirmed my purchase of a black toga dress from BC, and am gonna TRY to start on my philo essay now.

and of course, picked out my outfit for school today already. that was the first thing i decided on when i got up this morning. sometimes, it feels like the self-satisfaction of wearing all my pretty clothes is all i have to look forward to each day i have to go to school, especially since a) no one really cares how i look like in school anymore, and b) i don't really care about what goes on in school anymore. maybe the two are interlinked, but don't quote me on that - yet.

i've taken to blabbering a lot here now that i no longer have facebook. it feels a bit liberating, actually, to be honest. try it some day, you'll find that not being tied to an online profile frees you immensely. sometimes, i wish i were born before all this technology was invented. i think i'd much prefer life before it became so wired up and connected. all there is to do is just milk a couple of cows a day and clean a few chamberpots; lace up my boots and tie myself up in my corsets.

♥

so today i was supposed to stay home and start on my philo paper.

the one i have to do superbly for? yeah.

i dawdled most of the day away, feeling far too hot to want to do anything except roll around in bed with the fan blowing right at me. i felt like a lizard basking in the heat.

writer's block seems to be my best friend this semester, it's been plaguing me since week 3.

so in a heroic effort to get past that, i grabbed my pad of paper and took myself downstairs, hoping that the change in scenery would inspire me a bit. i stared at the lush, overgrown mess of plants i like to call my garden. and waited for the muse of deep thoughts to visit me. scribbled on my pad of paper, and realised how nice it is to write with a pen on a piece of paper. we don't do enough of that these days.

Clem came over and we cooked a (possibly!) healthy meal of chicken and bacon burgers with caramelized onions and an egg each.

♥

took a walk out after that to get us some Paddlepop to satiate that sweet tooth a bit. Clem's been the sweetest, accommodating me now at my essay-writing bi-aaaaatchy worst, and more - coming over to keep me company, cooking for me, making sure i don't kill myself from frustration.

and speaking of frustration. there was a very pitiful cat meowing outside my house the entire day today. i wonder what happened to it? did it lose its kittens or what.

i've showered and i feel all nice and fresh. time for me to try to write my first paragraph of my philo essay!

it's a saturday night and i'm spending it at home trying to get my thoughts together. and trying to read endless stacks of books/papers for my stream of essays due within the next 3 weeks.

oh, and i've deactivated my facebook account. just so i can concentrate a bit better. facebook is TOO distracting.

i have decided to put my life in order again. no more whining and moping. i need to be fit and fabulous again to face the last few weeks of this tiresome semester. in an attempt (perhaps feeble) to stave off my mounting panic, i shall list out all my deadlines here, then tackle them one by one.

week 11

26 Oct (Monday): game design reflection item

29 Oct (Thursday): philo final essay and 3 comments

30 Oct (Friday): medieval lit presentation report

week 12

2 Nov (Monday): research workshop presentation

6 Nov (Friday): postcolonial long essay on Coetzee

week 13

9 Nov (Monday): research journal and presentation report, and game design presentation

13 Nov (Friday): medieval lit essay & postcolonial independent project on magical realism

okay. that doesn't seem too bad. i can do this. i can do this.

and while i'm at it, i'll try to ensure my social life does not disintegrate more than it already has.

ugh it's just a simple matter of toiletries, why do you have to go and complicate everything by trying to make everything about what YOU want? i don't get it. it's so trivial, really. where does it matter where i get my stuff from? why does it matter that i don't share your view? IT DOESN'T, so GET WITH IT.

the life of a game designer does not become me at all. i am far too impatient and unable to keep tinkering with minute details to do an even remotely decent job. having been at this since 11am this morning, i am getting grouchy and sleepy. my back hurts, and i have immeasurebly bored. i am somewhat incredulous that i am spending my thursday doing this when i have far more pressing things to attend to - like the Coetzee presentation i'm giving tomorrow at tutorial, for instance.

yawn.

sitting on the bus people-watching today, i thought to myself that the price-tag of your dress probably means nothing to me. if your dress cost you a million bucks but you (very sadly) don't look like that when you wear it - then it ain't a million-dollar-dress. conversely, if you can wear a twenty-five dollar dress and look like a million dollars in it, you've got yourself a million dollar dress, baby.

my linguistic abilities have all but abandoned me this past week, leaving me fumbling for words.

and sigh, i really am falling asleep on my chair as i type this. this is boring me out of my mind.

truth which is true for me

i am always in search of a truth which is true for me, and the idea for which i can live and die.

i have a research test in about 3.5 hours, and here i am, sitting here, spouting philosophical lines. i amaze myself sometimes - so whimsical, so happily deluded.

empty barrels

the weeks ahead promise to be tough ones, and i am not looking forward to it. to my consternation i found myself in the compromising position of having TRIPLE deadlines on the same day - each of them extremely important being 100% CA. that would be far off in the horizon of week 13, but it looms over me like a huge gloomy rain cloud; i know i cannot escape the thunderous downpour when it starts, whichever direction i run. today, i have downed two panadols in my bid to stave the monthly torture of cramps away so i can concentrate on my essay due tomorrow. i slept badly last night, cos my tummy was aching the whole night. as was my heart, but i am determined to put that aside for now so i can concentrate. and focus.

in a fit of wanting to please myself, i ordered a dress from a blogshop last night. and i hope it's gonna be worth my money. i have been forced to stay away from the shops ever since September begun, having been swamped every single weekend by some deadline to meet or the other.

i am wasting my ability to sit up and type properly on all this random musing. i should really be typing furiously away at my essay.

why does it never seem to be enough? i need more time in my day, i find myself busy from the moment i get up to the time i crawl into bed. i am perhaps not different from the average Joe, having to struggle for what i want - and not always getting it, either. i am making erroneous judgements increasingly frequently these days, and my fuse has been far too short. i have been focussing on the wrong things, have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. in short, i have been pathetic, and you know how i detest weakness and failure. i have always found it hard to believe in the maxim "it's better to have tried and failed then to never have tried." i'm the sort of person who tries something only if i'm certain enough of success. so when i fail, it's a sucker punch cos i always take calculated risks. it seems like my calculations these days have been terribly inaccurate, cos i seem to be succeeding at nothing. i wrack my brains to figure out what could have gone wrong, what i could have done better, and i am pathetically unable to come up with anything satisfactory. this is perhaps an indication of how i'm not the queen of my life, of how the control i try to exert is ultimately futile. a reminder of how there is something greater in life, someone far greater than my mortal self could ever fathom - that watches over me as i try, fail, and try again, each time increasingly disillusioned and disheartened. the barrel is almost empty, it needs to be refilled with wine this time.

every night she cries herself to sleep

thinking why does this happen to me

why does every moment have to be so hard?

i do believe that it's not over tonight

just give me one more chance to make it right

i may not make it through the night,

i won't go home without you.

writer's block

this seems to be an almost semestral complaint, but i am having a massive case of writer's block at the moment. MASSIVE. i have typed half a sentence in the last hour, and it's not even a nice half-sentence. i'm about to backspace on my keyboard even as i type this, and then my entire document would be blank again.

i am massively stressed out.

i'm not Chuck Bass without you.

the only way to define something without compromising on its authenticity is to define it with something that doesn't derive its value from something else. something that's absolute in itself.

but what is absolute, really? nothing seems to me to be absolute in itself, except God.

and while i think about that, i am also mulling over the limits of human understanding and perception.

not because i am a profound person, but because i have to write two essays.

and i watched the new season of gossip girl this morning. and really liked what Chuck said to Blair, when Blair worries about their relationship getting boring.

Chuck: We could never be boring.

Blair: You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass.

Chuck: I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

one of those awwwww tv moments that lingered on in my head long after the scene had disappeared from my screen.

this game design module i'm taking is really influencing me to wanna play more games. i just spent the last 2 hours playing random online games just for the heck of it. the last game i played was this flower bouquet making game.

sigh.

i'm acting as if i'm on holiday. and, i'm staying off WoW like the plague. it's like Pringles: once you start, you can't stop. so i'm not starting.

tonnes and tonnes of work to do, so many presentations to do, hence i have no time to be nervous about any of them. i reckon i'll sweat bullets like 2 hours before the actual presentation but right now, i'm just like. whatever. deal with it.

okay i am quite tired i think.