it's a saturday night and i'm spending it at home trying to get my thoughts together. and trying to read endless stacks of books/papers for my stream of essays due within the next 3 weeks.

oh, and i've deactivated my facebook account. just so i can concentrate a bit better. facebook is TOO distracting.

i have decided to put my life in order again. no more whining and moping. i need to be fit and fabulous again to face the last few weeks of this tiresome semester. in an attempt (perhaps feeble) to stave off my mounting panic, i shall list out all my deadlines here, then tackle them one by one.

week 11

26 Oct (Monday): game design reflection item

29 Oct (Thursday): philo final essay and 3 comments

30 Oct (Friday): medieval lit presentation report

week 12

2 Nov (Monday): research workshop presentation

6 Nov (Friday): postcolonial long essay on Coetzee

week 13

9 Nov (Monday): research journal and presentation report, and game design presentation

13 Nov (Friday): medieval lit essay & postcolonial independent project on magical realism

okay. that doesn't seem too bad. i can do this. i can do this.

and while i'm at it, i'll try to ensure my social life does not disintegrate more than it already has.

ugh it's just a simple matter of toiletries, why do you have to go and complicate everything by trying to make everything about what YOU want? i don't get it. it's so trivial, really. where does it matter where i get my stuff from? why does it matter that i don't share your view? IT DOESN'T, so GET WITH IT.

the life of a game designer does not become me at all. i am far too impatient and unable to keep tinkering with minute details to do an even remotely decent job. having been at this since 11am this morning, i am getting grouchy and sleepy. my back hurts, and i have immeasurebly bored. i am somewhat incredulous that i am spending my thursday doing this when i have far more pressing things to attend to - like the Coetzee presentation i'm giving tomorrow at tutorial, for instance.

yawn.

sitting on the bus people-watching today, i thought to myself that the price-tag of your dress probably means nothing to me. if your dress cost you a million bucks but you (very sadly) don't look like that when you wear it - then it ain't a million-dollar-dress. conversely, if you can wear a twenty-five dollar dress and look like a million dollars in it, you've got yourself a million dollar dress, baby.

my linguistic abilities have all but abandoned me this past week, leaving me fumbling for words.

and sigh, i really am falling asleep on my chair as i type this. this is boring me out of my mind.

truth which is true for me

i am always in search of a truth which is true for me, and the idea for which i can live and die.

i have a research test in about 3.5 hours, and here i am, sitting here, spouting philosophical lines. i amaze myself sometimes - so whimsical, so happily deluded.

empty barrels

the weeks ahead promise to be tough ones, and i am not looking forward to it. to my consternation i found myself in the compromising position of having TRIPLE deadlines on the same day - each of them extremely important being 100% CA. that would be far off in the horizon of week 13, but it looms over me like a huge gloomy rain cloud; i know i cannot escape the thunderous downpour when it starts, whichever direction i run. today, i have downed two panadols in my bid to stave the monthly torture of cramps away so i can concentrate on my essay due tomorrow. i slept badly last night, cos my tummy was aching the whole night. as was my heart, but i am determined to put that aside for now so i can concentrate. and focus.

in a fit of wanting to please myself, i ordered a dress from a blogshop last night. and i hope it's gonna be worth my money. i have been forced to stay away from the shops ever since September begun, having been swamped every single weekend by some deadline to meet or the other.

i am wasting my ability to sit up and type properly on all this random musing. i should really be typing furiously away at my essay.

why does it never seem to be enough? i need more time in my day, i find myself busy from the moment i get up to the time i crawl into bed. i am perhaps not different from the average Joe, having to struggle for what i want - and not always getting it, either. i am making erroneous judgements increasingly frequently these days, and my fuse has been far too short. i have been focussing on the wrong things, have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. in short, i have been pathetic, and you know how i detest weakness and failure. i have always found it hard to believe in the maxim "it's better to have tried and failed then to never have tried." i'm the sort of person who tries something only if i'm certain enough of success. so when i fail, it's a sucker punch cos i always take calculated risks. it seems like my calculations these days have been terribly inaccurate, cos i seem to be succeeding at nothing. i wrack my brains to figure out what could have gone wrong, what i could have done better, and i am pathetically unable to come up with anything satisfactory. this is perhaps an indication of how i'm not the queen of my life, of how the control i try to exert is ultimately futile. a reminder of how there is something greater in life, someone far greater than my mortal self could ever fathom - that watches over me as i try, fail, and try again, each time increasingly disillusioned and disheartened. the barrel is almost empty, it needs to be refilled with wine this time.

every night she cries herself to sleep

thinking why does this happen to me

why does every moment have to be so hard?

i do believe that it's not over tonight

just give me one more chance to make it right

i may not make it through the night,

i won't go home without you.

writer's block

this seems to be an almost semestral complaint, but i am having a massive case of writer's block at the moment. MASSIVE. i have typed half a sentence in the last hour, and it's not even a nice half-sentence. i'm about to backspace on my keyboard even as i type this, and then my entire document would be blank again.

i am massively stressed out.

i'm not Chuck Bass without you.

the only way to define something without compromising on its authenticity is to define it with something that doesn't derive its value from something else. something that's absolute in itself.

but what is absolute, really? nothing seems to me to be absolute in itself, except God.

and while i think about that, i am also mulling over the limits of human understanding and perception.

not because i am a profound person, but because i have to write two essays.

and i watched the new season of gossip girl this morning. and really liked what Chuck said to Blair, when Blair worries about their relationship getting boring.

Chuck: We could never be boring.

Blair: You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass.

Chuck: I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

one of those awwwww tv moments that lingered on in my head long after the scene had disappeared from my screen.

this game design module i'm taking is really influencing me to wanna play more games. i just spent the last 2 hours playing random online games just for the heck of it. the last game i played was this flower bouquet making game.

sigh.

i'm acting as if i'm on holiday. and, i'm staying off WoW like the plague. it's like Pringles: once you start, you can't stop. so i'm not starting.

tonnes and tonnes of work to do, so many presentations to do, hence i have no time to be nervous about any of them. i reckon i'll sweat bullets like 2 hours before the actual presentation but right now, i'm just like. whatever. deal with it.

okay i am quite tired i think.

save me from drowning in the sea

so i went to the beach today with a bottle of wine and the love of my life. it didn't matter that the sky was crackling with lightning, that the waves were rushing furiously on to the shore, that the wind was whipping my hair about.

what i did was to kick off my shoes, sipping wine straight off the bottle. lay on his chest, listened to his heart beating. listening to his steady heartbeat always fools me into thinking that we could be immortal, that we would never die. and yet, just as tonight becomes the next morning, the days slip through my hand, no matter how i try to hold on to every second. every moment tonight, so precious.

the sweet taste of the wine still lingers on my tongue even as it's long passed through my mouth.

i do hope the two pairs of heels i saw at Zara will still be there this weekend. i do think that i might really want them.

i do feel invincible sometimes when i slip on my heels and strut down the street. when i feel so alive, i wonder, how can i ever not be?

The Cat's Tail

an appeal to all my friends.

please please please support my blogshop! and tell all your friends about it too!
http://thecatstailshop.blogspot.com


it's something i'd like to see take off. shopping is, after all, a huge part of my life. :)

a series of unfortunate events

being various kinds of sick and unwell the last two days have given me a new perspective on things. i haven't been this lonely, sickly, and miserable since i came back from Canada, and perhaps i was beginning to take all i had for granted again. lost in all my illusions of grandeur and superficial dreams, i found myself swept along the tides of illusory splendour, caught up in a pathetic day-to-day existence. there is perhaps much to be said about the person who spends her time wishing she could have more money, wishing she were cleverer, wishing she were someplace else. it paints a very unsettling picture of me, and i don't like it. i am lost in a huge maybe, never exactly embracing who i am, where i am. i whine over opportunities that have flown me by, moan over my inadequacies - and then it strikes me, maybe i'm missing the point of this all, entirely. i should not be weeping over what i lack, that's just not how God made me. i should be looking at what i have, and doing things with these. Fr. Luke's homily over Assumption weekend made me realise that enacting a positive change in my life doesn't require me to suddenly sprout supermodel long gams or be anything other than what God has made me to be. everything i need to be happy is already in my possession. everything else that i lack, is inconsequential. maybe i need to redefine "happiness", maybe i need to get off that Fake Grandeur wave that i've been happily carried upon and start swimming back to shore so i can feel the solid outline of Reality once more under my feet.

i really outdid myself today in terms of misery. totally caught offguard by the insidious onset of a particularly nasty gastric flu bug, i was in unexpected pain (which i thought could be cured by either a) various kinds of medicine, or b) various kinds of food), which led to unexpected misery. after throwing up every and any thing i ate, from harmless digestive biscuits to supposedly digestive-friendly bananas, i was beginning to believe that i was on death's doorstep. all the medication i had taken in the hopes of eradicating my pain was promptly thrown up too (i actually identified them in the toilet bowl). i refused to believe that i had a case of gastric flu, so i refused to sit on the toilet bowl on the off-chance that i found out that i was having diarrhoea. anyway, i was too busy trying not to throw up my entire stomach through my mouth, so i couldn't quite concentrate on anything other than throwing up. turns out that once i'd proven that theory right, the pain miraculously started to ebb a bit. that didn't take away my misery though, and i spent a whole hour frantically trying to call the people who i thought would care if i died in my bed or not. the only person who actually picked up the phone was Trina (Dad doesn't count cos i couldn't bawl to him while he was at work, and i don't think he knows what to do with weeping overaged daughters, anyway), and i proceeded to pour out my misery in great bouts of hiccups and much swallowing of tears. this all just made me realise that perhaps i was taking her for granted a bit, which made me bawl even more cos i felt so bad and so relieved that she still bothered enough about me to not want me to die from misery and pain by my lonesome.

i am a very bad girl, i know. :/

so the long and short of it all is that. i am feeling much better now. and i have rediscovered who and what are important to me. and i am perhaps still not that grown up yet.

i am disappointed with myself. this is, perhaps, affirmation that i am simply not good enough, simply too overreaching. this is probably bordering on the dramatic, but i cannot help but feel that i have somehow let myself down again. i have to believe in that, because the alternative is simply that i am just not good enough, and i cannot believe that. believing that would rob me of every shred of self-belief i possess, and i cannot allow myself to fall apart like that.

the world no longer feels like my oyster.

got my special sem results today. i know it seems like a weird habit, posting about my results every semester. it's like i have some obsessive compulsive disorder. but it's become a habit after so many consecutive semesters of doing the same thing. duh, that's what a habit is. anyway. i am disappointed. a B+ is far from satisfying. :( but i am trying to remind myself that i completely deserve it because 1) i stupidly signed up for FOC - which was two days before my exam. and 2) i was too bloody lazy to participate in any way. and oh 3) i didn't read 4/5 of my readings.

so yes trying hard to be grateful here.

trying, trying.

missing piece

i wonder how long this will all hold out for, this delicate balance that sees me perched precariously on the edge of the precipice. the threads that hold me together are tight with the tension, and i fear that just that wee bit more tension will break everything i've been working so hard to pull together. there is no fat cat in my garden today to distract me, no woodpecker hovering around the tree. it's just me and my thoughts, wishing the tepid breeze would chill itself into something slightly more wintry. shadows still dance on the pink garden wall, though - slipping into each other and changing the fundamental shape of its being. the sun blazes a strange amber today, casting an orange light onto the grass blades. the air is thick with it - can't you just taste it? it's tingling on my tongue, in my nostrils, and i'm awash in it. nothing, nothing you do can take this away from me, my mind is my sanctuary and my haven. even if the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die, i'd spend the end with you, & still choose this over anything else. rainbow-swirled paddlepops and crushed kiwi smoothies make my heart soar, even as i wish that the paddlepop never melts and the smoothie never finishes. but as i said before, the paddlepop must melt, the smoothie must reach the bottom of the cup.

so the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle fit perfectly together, save that one missing piece at its heart that spoils the undeniably perfect fit.

white horses

like the golden leaves of fall giving way to snow sheets of winter; like the rain that has to fall from the sky when black clouds rendevouz; like the passage of time forcing me to become one year older each year - so, the chick must become a chicken, the sweet apples go rotten, the inevitable come. hummingbirds hover around the hibiscus flower, butterflies flit from bloom to bloom, the iridiscent throat of the kingfisher reflecting the sapphire of the water surface. i am surrounded by beauty, and yet i see the infernal inescapable maggots that eventually reaches everything. somehow, somewhere, death has touched me and its grip has changed me, its effects irreversible. death of a loved one, death of a love. many ways to die.

and while i sit here staring out at my garden, watching the boughs of the bingbing tree sway in the sticky breeze, watching the fat white cat with black patches slide sinuously through the gaps in the fence padding its way softly across the wild grass, i am lost in my thoughts, lost at sea. now the cat meows, and i am shaken out of my reverie of pastel shades and angry gashes. i am caught in an infinite second in my mind, it stretches on forever even as the songs on my itunes in the background keep shuffling along their playlist marking the passing of seconds, minutes.

i contemplate what it means, and am unable to come to any agreeable conclusion. everything my mind reaches at, i reject. how disagreeable. i am restless and yet lethargic, i yearn to do something that would poke holes through the safe cellophane that envelopes me - and yet i am held back by the comfort of amniotic fluid, safe and safer. i do know that even as winter comes, spring will come again, the grass will emerge from the frozen ground again. i do know that the rain will eventually stop, the sun will shine again. but what those wise philosophers never point out is that not every spring is the same. every winter is slightly different. every winter leaves different indelible marks on the land it passes through.

not wanting to sound overt today, i shall leave out the mandatory sad song i like to end my posts with. but i do know that i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. i do know i was a dreamer before you come and let me down. and i do know that it's too late for you and your stupid white horse to come around.

because i'm now a princess, this is my fairytale. i'm still a dreamer, after you never let me down. and it's never too late for you and your white horse to come around. i've found somebody who actually treats me well. and i do know that this is a big world, not a small town, not hollywood.

it's not too late, catch me now.

my exam is tomorrow.

and i am interested in doing nothing but completely retarded facebook quizzes.

ANYTHING, but studying.

gotta get some healthy motivation here, girl!

there's a song that's inside of my soul, and it ain't sunshine.

sitting in my room during CSS FOC doesn't sound like it's exactly the most social thing to do. i am, however, trying to study for my exam this saturday and hence have to suppress my kaypoh nature just for this next week. i hardly slept a wink last night, tossing and turning til 5 in the morning. it was dreadfully fitful sleep, as i dozed off, woke up, and dozed off again repeatedly til the sun came up. i am going to try to catch a bit of shut eye before i try to study in the afternoon - i am so optimistic, i am the sunshine of my own life.

there's a song that's inside of my soul

it's the one that i've tried to write over and over again.

i'm awake in the infinite cold

yet you sing to me over and over and over again

so i lay my head back down

and i lift my hands and pray

to be only yours i pray

to be only yours, i know now

you're my only hope.

facebook is a time waster.

@%^%&^@#^&@^ 

i have just facebooked 15min of my precious life away in a semi-zombie state - i am very very tired but am forcing myself to finish my reading for tutorial tomorrow.

operation presentation is failing miserably by the way. i have too many things on my mind to focus on turning out a good presentation. by monday. 

best idea i ever had, taking this special sem module when my heart isn't really in it. 

my heart's in my warm bed. i always can't wait to go to bed and i hate getting up in the mornings. 

she's in fashion

after a nearly 2 month hiatus, i'm back! i didn't see a point in posting anything when i didn't feel like it. to be perfectly honest, i am still bordering on uninspired. these days have been filled with afternoon classes (2pm-4pm should be declared official nap time) that have seen me struggling to read enough to keep up. the 4th week of special semester is about to be over and i am entirely unprepared for anything - exams are in 2 weeks (!!!!)

my lack of inspiration is carrying over to my presentation, which beckons to be done by monday. every idea that runs through my head seems closer and closer to retarded, and i must admit i'm getting a little worried. perhaps my brains have truly atrophied from lack of usage and my total brain capacity has shrunk. 

that aside, i am extremely tempted to go shopping. i have not shopped since coming back from Guelph (for good reason, my mother might add), but i am starting to feel restless at my unchanging wardrobe. this has got to be the longest period where i have not bought ANYTHING at all. save for one party dress - i have not bought anything since coming home. my roving eye has seen many pretty things but my paltry allowance has stopped me from procuring any of my objects of desire. i want gladiator heels, lots and lots of them. i want new black skinnies, and black shorts too. i want a new hairstyle, but it's taking forever to grow out. arghhhh. i am having one of those dissatisfied days at the mo, i'm sure it'll all pass eventually.

okay i will perservere in my research for the presentation before picking Carol up for supper.

think fashion!