Thoughts on a new start

Yesterday, I woke up early this morning at 6.45AM, as my alarm went off. No snoozing or lazing in bed. I’d wanted to start my new job right. So I went to brush my teeth and headed downstairs to make breakfast for the husband and myself.

Yes, I actually made breakfast. Although it was just oats (for him) and ham sandwiches (for both of us), it is probably already more than what I can say I’ve done in the last 9 months or so as a domesticated wife. Heh.

Well, this just tops off my past few days of domestication at home. Spent the last few days of my holiday frantically catching up on housework and learning – rather belatedly, I might add – recipes and just how to freaking cook from my mother-in-law. This, coming from the girl who is still terrified of raw meat and won’t touch any raw stuff even with gloves on. Looks like husband and I are set for a lifetime of vegetarianism and eggs. :P

Today, I did the same thing - jumped out of bed at 6.45AM with as much energy as I could muster. (Okay, maybe rolled out would have been a more accurate descriptor but I did try jumping.) I'm trying to shed all the slothy habits I picked up at my previous job, just cos it was so damn cushy and comfy. So having a total mental overhaul here, which is tougher than it seems. Mental attitudes stick, so I need to consciously act against what has begun to feel instinctive.
Slothiness aside, the other attitude that has stuck is the thinking that someone else's job is more glamourous, more fun, provides more opportunities, and is just generally all-round better than my own. I don't know if it's some tiny chip on my shoulder or what, but whatever it is, when I found myself starting to think that the International Relations or even the Librarian job sounded a lot better than my current job a mere 24 hours into this new position, I thought to myself oh crap, not again!

Upon closer reflection, I think the problem may not lie with my job per se, or wrong job fit.
The problem may be myself.

See, I'm only attracted to certain aspects of those other jobs, whereas the all-round job scope of my current position appeals to me immensely. For example, International Relations appealed to me because it seems like it would afford me travel opportunities to places I wouldn't ordinarily have the luxury of time or money to visit. The Librarian role appealed to me because I would get to physically handle and be surrounded by books (squeeeee!!), and also give me opportunities to write book reviews for publication.

Having reflected a bit, I realized that there's nothing stopping me from doing all these, even if it's not part of my salaried work. I can write book reviews - it's not like I haven't already been attempting to do so, anyway - and publish them on my blog. I can make a trip to the library to surround myself with books one lunchtime a week or so. The travelling to exotic places bit, I'll have to think a bit more on. Hee.

So here's to doing what I love, both on and off the job, always.

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be

I've left my job at the Ministry of Defence. So the last two weeks have been days of rest and relaxation for me, spent with loved ones and doing things that are important to me, along with the redefinition of what is important. After all, where my treasure is, there my heart will be also.

I'm both excited and apprehensive about my next job. It would most probably require a lot from me work-wise, a lot more than I've been putting in the last year and a half, for sure. But my main reason for switching jobs was actually to ensure that I don't stagnate, both mentally and career-wise. My deep interest in learning has and always be a great asset of mine, and I didn't want to get too comfortable where I was. Yes, life was definitely good at my previous job, affording me awesome work-life balance and a more than decent take-home salary. I loved my colleagues and genuinely enjoyed passing the time of each work day with them. Many people could not understand my decision to leave my job. Why walk away from a good thing? But I believe that there are good things, and then there are good things.

I've made my choice to expand my knowledge and learning opportunities, so here I am, waiting.
In the meantime, I've spent a lot of my time expanding my mind, reading and reading and then reading some more.

One of my favourite reads this break has got to be Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus.



It is immensely magical and beautiful, and her prose has painted such an exquisite circus, replete with the burnt taste of caramel popcorn and the wonder of a room full of clouds. I loved every minute I spent in her circus, relished the time I spent wandering among the fantastical tents of each act and wondering at how all my senses took flight, and I never wanted it to leave. But leave, it must, for the book had to come to an end, and it left me wanting yet more. It has been a long time since my imagination has been so captured by a read, so much so that even my soul felt gripped by the subtle undercurrent melancholy. I loved that the way the plot was weaved into the tapestry of the details; I'm personally a fan of books high on lyricism and exquisite style, probably because that's how I like to write.

How I can tell when a book touches me particularly is when I feel moved to pick up my own pen and write again - and I felt stirred to write days and days after I'd finished the book. Something in me just wants to recreate the magic in my own way.



Anyhow. Other than reading my eyeballs out, I've been trying to become more financially literate in earnest. It's been tough going, that has. Reading up on concepts and financial products aside, this journey has made me come face to face with all my bad habits, and forced me to acknowledge them for what they are. It's made me a whole lot more self-aware. While I'm on one hand still reeling from the magnitude of my ignorance, I am also very grateful that I've started now rather than later.

Clem and I have also started running again in a bigger way. Longer distances, a bit more frequently (trying to up our frequency from twice a week to thrice, but it's not easy to find the time!), more exciting and beautiful running locales... All in our bid to be more healthy all-round.

Tomorrow is my last real day of holiday, since the weekend doesn't really count! I shall try to be as productive and savour every single minute of tomorrow. I will try to be back again with a picture post from last week, but I'm really not too hopeful, given my lousy track record!

Bumming rights need to be earned, not given

'Tis been long, since I last checked into this space.

That's not to say that nothing has been happening - on the contrary! I've been so immensely busy, that I've hardly had time to myself, to do any me things. And with all that's transpired, I believe I'm gonna get a lot busier once August comes round.

Part of me savours the intermittent freedom I have now, to do what I like to do. But a bigger part of me wants to do so much more with my waking hours, life is just too short to waste away wishing for the weekend to come.

I am not naïve; I do not think it's always possible to change the system you're in, to right all the wrongs you see staring blatantly back at you. (Believe me, as much as I would like to, à la Katniss from The Hunger Games, to tear down the existing system that breeds inequality, stand as a symbol of rebellion, etc... This just doesn't happen in real life. True story.) There's a time and place to do all that, now's just not my time to attempt that. Maybe one day, when I've done enough to back my views.

Hence, I find that I have no choice but to walk away. Maybe not to someplace better, that much I will never know, I admit. But at least, I know what doesn't work here, and I've given it a fair enough chance, I think.

Maybe I'm talking in circles a bit here, but all will be clearer in a few weeks, when my hands and tongue are no longer tied.

Self-awareness is one of my strengths, and I usually know when I've had enough. I've also always prided myself on doing what is necessary, and more recently, not letting myself languish and wallow in extended bouts of self-pity. That was a tough lesson to learn, but I think I've learnt it well enough, thank you. So now, I'm all too aware that I'm slowly but surely losing my lustre, becoming increasingly dull and bitter with things I cannot change, and indelibly restless in spite of all the free time to pursure my personal interests.

Ultimately, maybe I just need to feel like I've earned my bumming rights, not have it handed to me on a silver platter every day whether I need it or not.

So, full steam ahead for the next leg of my journey!

Keep your feet ready
Heartbeat steady
Keep your eyes open
Keep your aim locked
The night goes dark
Keep your eyes open

Songs they sung as they walked...

"The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can.

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way.

Where many paths and errands meet;

And whither then? I cannot say."

Satisfaction is a flighty thing.

Everyone gleans and perceives it differently; travels down different roads to get there.

Me? My path is about to fork; I can feel it. Yet, I do not know which path I should take. The path well-trodden, or the hidden path? Safety and surety are values that I cannot pretend I don't care about. But remaining ensconced in certitude, floating in the balmy waters of Comfort, is something I cannot luxuriate in if I want to fly.

I guess I can dream, dream the biggest of dreams, and then just see where that will all take me.

Back to the gritty reality of humdrum? Or to someplace else just as gritty?

I'm under no illusion that the grass is greener on the other side - that has been dispelled many times over and I'm no longer wide-eyed and brimming with optimism at the vastness of the future. No; I know that the horizon is always bounded by chains, there is nothing I can humanly do to transcend the bounds of my own limits.

What I wonder at though, is what are my limits?

Am I there? Or can I still be stretched til my nose touches the glass?

No one knows. I don't even know myself. But what I know is that I will never find out if I don't try.

The hardest thing to do is to take the plunge into the icy waters of the calm surface, take that first step away from the straight path before me.

And still, there must be faith and trust.

"Still round the corner there may wait,

A new road or a secret gate.

And though we pass them by today,

Tomorrow we may come this way,

And take the hidden paths that run,

Towards the Moon or to the Sun."

The Lord of the Rings

Peek to your heart's content:

"Some people search for a fountain - promises forever young. Some people need three dozen roses - and that's the way to prove you love them. Hand me the world on a silver platter, and what good would it be?"

In the midst of all the craziness, all the madcap rush to get things done, it's the little things in life that keep me going. That, and hope for the future; my heart is swollen with that.

"If I ain't got you."

87 days from today

Counting down the number of days till I become Mrs. Clement Chua:

there are exactly 2 months and 27 days from today.

How do I feel about it?

Too many things. A little afraid, but mostly excited.

Very tearful at having to move out from the place I've called home for the last 18 years, even more so at the thought that I will no longer wake up to the familiar morning wake-up call of my dad that I've been so used to ever since I was in Primary school.

This has been my home for so long, in more than the physical sense.

I've played countless games in front of the TV on the Playstation with the baby sister in my teenage years over the holidays (we could spend weeks on end glued to the console just trying to finish up a game). Had so many pyjama parties with the cousins as we were all growing up. And when I was older, had endless sleepovers with Trina either in my room or hers, movie-marathoning or exploring the world of Azeroth in World of Warcraft. Pizza parties, very simple home-cooked dinners, the kampung spirit that still permeates my home since much of my family lives in the same estate.

I will miss all that home has meant to me, for sure.

Heck, typing the last few lines is already making me tear..!

But the future promises much, too, and I must not let nostalgia overwhelm me.

I just hope with all my heart that my - our - dreams: of pursuing our Masters education abroad, seeing the world together, designing and building the space we will call home in the future, and eventually having a family of our own - will not remain dreams.

In case you all were wondering where Snooze has gone... Nowhere!

Such a cutie ain't she!

I love scratching her. But being a cat, she's quite temperemental.

How does a colour palette inspired by sorbet-melon grab you?

Clem hated it, but I thought it was pretty cute :P

WIW:

 Chiffon top in duck egg green from the UK

Pants in rose from Hollyhoque

Brunch at City Hall one of the Sundays.

One of the best ways to spend a lazy Sunday.

(Other than going for a facial or a massage, that is.)

Vintagey outfit and curls for brunch.

(Both crochet outer piece and crimson midi skirt are from Hollyhoque)

Someone's looking pensive..

Our first taste of Bakerzin was that of a chocolate bun, and a bacon danish pastry.

Very yummeh stuff there ;)

Our beloved church bell tower by the evening light.

The wedding gift from Oli - a pretty bundle of books with nuggets of wisdom.

Our pictures together always turn out blurry / off-centre.

Nonetheless, two is still better than one.

Two months and twenty-seven days, love.

Felines I'd love to own

One day, I'd love to keep one of these beautiful creatures at home.



Savannah cat - a cross between a domestic cat and a serval.
Apparently, they greet people with a head-butt or even a friendly pounce. How cute is that!

Bengal cat - a cross between a domestic cat and an Asian Leopard Cat.
I love the beautiful distinctive rosette markings on the coat.

No idea how I'm gonna find these rare felines in Singapore, though, so good luck to me!

On a separate note, this week has been dragging terribly, and I can't wait for the weekend.

I'm tired already, even though it's only mid-week.

The little sister turns 22, and I'm all in a (not related, fortunately) hullabaloo.

I thought that since tomorrow's gonna officially be the last day of my internship, this warrants an update from me! I've been lazy about upkeeping this space, even though I spend so much time in front of the computer each day at work.. But furtively blogging when I'm supposed to be working working makes me feel bad! Heh but somehow the fact that tomorrow's my last day is making me a lot more relaxed about things. :) Spent the better part of this morning compiling vogue.com write-ups of the latest haute couture shows in Paris over the last week, purely out of interest and to satiate my anal-retentiveness. (edit: which I forgot to send to myself and it's now saved on someone else's desktop *smacks forehead*)

Surprised as I am to say this, I am a little sad to leave. This taste of magazine journalism life has left me wanting more, but I'm more than a little scared that this is the end. My experiences are so limited and few, how could I possibly get a job in this line with what I have so far? :(

Things have been looking up for me on the job-hunt side lately. Have some interviews to nail, and am pending confirmation for another. I am, however, still unsure if this is the way to go.

Am I selling out, choosing the option with the easiest and most stable income? Do dreams have any place in the world of a working adult? A spate of conversations with the boyf in the past week has led me to think a lot more about this - about the place of dreams and aspirations in the face of reality. A part of me still wants to hold fast to all the dreams I had when I was a little girl: being a bestselling author, travelling the world as a journalist and writing inspiring articles for Nat Geo or a glitzy fashion mag... As much as I'm constrained by my reality, sometimes I still feel like the sky's the limit, and I can go wherever my imagination takes me to, as long as I dare to dream it and then pursue it. Of course, the real-world isn't like that. It takes infinitely more to live the life I want than just willpower and sheer longing. Aspirations must be backed up by talent and ability, and I fear I fall short in walking the talk. As much as I want to do these things, I might have to realize that I can't because it's just not in my make up to do these extraordinary things.

Darn I hate being fatalistic. I hate having the feeling of being resigned to something I seem to have no control over. I hate feeling like I have to do something because I'm obliged to - like earning money through a stable job, for instance. I hate feeling like money's that important, because I know deep down that it's not (and that a lot of the reason why I want to earn enough is to be comfortable enough to buy what I want, which is another thing I hate cos it makes me feel so materialistic and so bloody shallow)..

All this musing aside though, there's just one more announcement I have to make:
My little sister turns 22 today (note to self: stop referring to her as "little" then!)
It feels like just last month that she turned 21!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING.

Rather quiet day at work today (read: boring), so I figured that it's time to make good on my promise to try to blog more frequently. Had a really rested weekend so am glad that I could start this work week so fresh and happy :) I'm thinking I might want to start asking around for more beauty/fashion writing, cos all I've done so far are mostly promo pieces which I'm thinking will only be useful if I'm trying to get a job in advertising or copywriting. Um well, beauty/fashion writing will not help me get a job in PR, but I can indulge myself and my interests since I'm working for nothing right. :P

Wanderlust is setting in really quickly and badly. Friends are jetting off for the Christmas season and while I'm so excited for them, I half-wish I could leave the country toooooo. :( Cheryl's gone to Abu Dhabi (OMG!!!!), Trina's just left for HK, Angel&Matt are in Australia.. Such happening Christmases!! But actually come to think about it, the last Christmas I spent out of the country wasn't quite as exciting as I thought it would be. Clem and I spent Christmas 2009 in New York City, and we imagined that it would be oh-so-glamourous, balls of fun etcetra etcetra. As you can probably guess from the way this is going, it wasn't all as cut up as I'd imagined, and I wished I was home with friends and family revelling in lots of warm fuzzy moments and parties. Okay so no more Christmases away from home, I should be happy with my lot.

I hate to jump from topic to topic like that, but exam results are coming out tomorrow!! A part of me doesn't give a f**k anymore, but the part of me that slaved so hard over the semester cares too much and is freaking out at the thought that all this will be over soon. It's funny how things that mattered so much just weeks ago have taken on a different significance so quickly, and I wonder at what really and truly matters in the midst of so many important and significant things that become clutter within a matter of weeks or months. At this point in time, these are the four things that matter most to me - in no order of importance. Perhaps by listing these out, it'll help streamline my whirling thoughts a little.

1) Preparation for my upcoming wedding day and a lifetime of marriage thereafter.
2) Getting my job - which I seriously should have put more thought into before this so that I could have done the relevant internships/research and misc preparation.
3) Spending time with family and close friends since things will surely change in a short 11 months.
4) Putting my spiritual life and relationship with God in the equation at all times.



I honestly can't wait for point 2 to be settled, so that point 1 will be helped along and it'll put me in a much better disposition to work on points 3 and 4. Praying for a miracle to take place and for my job offer to come through by end-Jan. Dear God, please please PLEASE!!!

So it's been two weeks since I started on my internship here - but it feels as though I just started. I'm getting into a comfortable rhythm and think it's time to try to rock my boat a bit and ask for more challenges. Need to maximize my time and experience here and try to sort out thoughts about my future. I'm really not sure what I want to do now, and I keep changing my mind each day. I'm a tad scared cos December is going a lot faster than I thought it would and I'm not any closer to being sure about anything. Sigh. I feel so unaccomplished and pathetic. Need to try not to wallow in self-pity and actually do something, but I'm at a bit of a loss at what I should do :/

Shall try to clear my head over the weekend and recharge myself for a week of hard work before lapsing into a partying frame of mind that Christmas and New Year always puts me in. I am determined to get my immediate future at least of the next year sorted out before January sneaks up on me.

Thou shall not complain

Being an intern post-graduation is really tough. On one hand, I relish the challenge of doing something so utterly new, working on a glossy women's magazine and writing little features here and there: fashion and beauty journalism has been something I've always wanted to try but haven't had the chance to - until now. On the other hand, it's hard being the lowest lifeform who has very little monetary incentive (read: zero, actually) and is struggling to earn some form of income to support herself. I'm trying not to complain because truth be told, I do enjoy the work I'm doing every day and I really appreciate the opportunities to write something that is going to be published. The industry is so hard to get into, especially the fashion/beauty journalism I have always dreamed of working in. So I'm taking all the chances I've been given with grateful hands and a positive attitude - although the parental disapproval at my perceived "free labour status" is almost as tough to deal with the fact itself.

Although I'm interning more than working, I'm trying to take this as I would an actual job - making sure I get enough rest every night so that I can do a good job the next day in whatever I'm tasked to do. Hopefully, I'll have something lined up for me once I'm done in Feb, although I'm thinking now that I'd like to take a nice two or three week break after my internship ends before I begin whatever's waiting for me next. I do tire of telling people who ask what I'm going to do now that I've graduated that "I don't know what job I'll end up taking, nothing's certain at the moment" - it makes me question my own abilities. But uncertainty's something I have to learn to embrace, although it's definitely an awkward, uncomfortable pill to swallow.

As for what I've learnt in the last couple of days, I'd say I've learnt the most about being confident enough to not hide in my corner and hope that someone will notice me and say hello to me. There's no place for shyness and aloofness in the office. If you want to be talked to, you have to go talk to people first. I hate it, because I'm naturally reserved and generally pathetic at meeting new people - but it is something I have to learn to do. Especially with all the possible career paths I'm contemplating - journalism, Public Relations.. All of which, ironically, are unforgiving to the reserved who insist on remaining as such.

If I could though, I'd give anything to be a stay-at-home writer. I can write to my heart's content in the comfort of my cosy bed, where my time is flexible and my own, and I can let my imagination run unbridled and the words flow. Ahh. Dreams. We all have them, even at the grand old age of 23.

Dear God,

My prayer for tonight and for many many nights to come has to be:
Close all the doors that need to be closed, and open the one that needs to be opened.

The last paper of my entire undergraduate life is in roughly 40 hours' time.
After which, I'm setting off into the great unknown as a Economically Viable Member of Society - which means that if I'm not earning any income, I will be a blemish on Singapore's GDP calculation.
(Trust me, I don't intend to stay that way for long, too many people would be horrified at the lack of productivity of a university graduate)

However, after my two-month internship with Women's Weekly ends in February, it remains an undeniable fact that I am unemployed. Ergo, I am not contributing to the economy, ergo, I should be ashamed of myself.

Honestly, I have no idea what the future holds for me in terms of job prospects. I've been knocking on locked doors and perhaps it's time to recognize the fact that these doors are locked, and that I don't have the keys to unlock them for the time being, and that it's time to move on to try other doors. My pride's not allowing that decision to be made easily though, and I'm still hoping against hope that somehow this will work out.

But you know, at the end of the day, I can only knock on those doors for so long before my knuckles become raw and bruised. And they're halfway there, I daresay. It's full concentration on exam prep for the next 24 hours or so, before I give it my all for two hours in MPSH6 and then bid my undergraduate life farewell and turn to face my future squarely in its uncertain entirety.

Am I scared? Hell yeah.
But do I hope? That's all I have left to cling on to.

Hope & faith on this day

In the midst of all the words, there's always space for more, it seems.

Just when I thought I'd given up on this semester, I received news today that things may not be as lost as I thought they were, praise God! I just shouldn't get my hopes up too high since it really ain't over til the fat lady sings. But today, I shall float on my sampan in this little lagoon of hope and feel buoyed by the waves of optimism that lap gently at my feet. I'll start to worry about my upcoming exam, my unpreparedness for AYD, and the uncertainty of my future from here later, but for today, I will just leave all these aside and be properly and for once, be roundly grateful for being so blessed.

Count your blessings, they say - and I've never really done that in recent times. I've always been whining, always been complaining, always been moping. Once in a while, some things happen to make you really want to crawl into bed and never want to come out again, and you go to bed moaning about how unfair life is and how life sucks shit. This sem has been like that practically the entire way, with dismal job prospects (ie. joblessness) and lousy academic performances all-round. The past 14 weeks have seen me on more emotional lows in a row than in most other past sems. But well, after everything's been said and done and the dust has settled a bit, it's time to focus on what's ahead and just move on. And muddle around in the dimness of uncertainty.

Alrighty I'm done with musing. No pictures today cos I haven't taken any recently. 

Heading out in a bit to just walk around in town with no specific objective. How long has it been since I last did that!

Life post-thesis!

In the last two weeks since I last blogged, I've cleared two items off the list of four datelines I had to meet!
Thesis was the major hurdle jumped this semester so far. Now, I have just two more essays to write, before I face my final exam of my NUS life, and leave my undergrad life foreverrrr!

Need to get my head down and write my European essay by Thursday and then get started on the ideology one.

It's rather distracting though, cos I've been trying to do some job hunting / own article researching in the interim, PLUS, I'm still dizzy-headed from the knowledge that my thesis has been handed in and is history. I kinda know that it's gonna garner a lousy grade, but at this point I'm just too tired to care about something that's out of my control already. :/

Alrighty I shall get down to these in order of importance:
1) European essay
2) Ideology essay
3) Own article research
4) Set up fashion blog that is supposed to function as a portfolio
5) Send out freelance writing emails
6) Look for THE job



In the meanwhile, here're some backdated pics of my first outing to Orchard in a month last week, ever since I began to overhaul my sorry ass of a thesis.

This is what happens when you watch too many eps of ANTM back to back: 

You keep trying to sell products in your pictures.

Steak sandwich with caramelized onions and mustard!

Chili crab pasta that tasted pretty punchy, but the soft shell crab wasn't deep fried enough imo :(

OFTD: 

laced top from Hollyhoque

black bandage skirt from New Look

bag from Tianfenlan