white horses

like the golden leaves of fall giving way to snow sheets of winter; like the rain that has to fall from the sky when black clouds rendevouz; like the passage of time forcing me to become one year older each year - so, the chick must become a chicken, the sweet apples go rotten, the inevitable come. hummingbirds hover around the hibiscus flower, butterflies flit from bloom to bloom, the iridiscent throat of the kingfisher reflecting the sapphire of the water surface. i am surrounded by beauty, and yet i see the infernal inescapable maggots that eventually reaches everything. somehow, somewhere, death has touched me and its grip has changed me, its effects irreversible. death of a loved one, death of a love. many ways to die.

and while i sit here staring out at my garden, watching the boughs of the bingbing tree sway in the sticky breeze, watching the fat white cat with black patches slide sinuously through the gaps in the fence padding its way softly across the wild grass, i am lost in my thoughts, lost at sea. now the cat meows, and i am shaken out of my reverie of pastel shades and angry gashes. i am caught in an infinite second in my mind, it stretches on forever even as the songs on my itunes in the background keep shuffling along their playlist marking the passing of seconds, minutes.

i contemplate what it means, and am unable to come to any agreeable conclusion. everything my mind reaches at, i reject. how disagreeable. i am restless and yet lethargic, i yearn to do something that would poke holes through the safe cellophane that envelopes me - and yet i am held back by the comfort of amniotic fluid, safe and safer. i do know that even as winter comes, spring will come again, the grass will emerge from the frozen ground again. i do know that the rain will eventually stop, the sun will shine again. but what those wise philosophers never point out is that not every spring is the same. every winter is slightly different. every winter leaves different indelible marks on the land it passes through.

not wanting to sound overt today, i shall leave out the mandatory sad song i like to end my posts with. but i do know that i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. i do know i was a dreamer before you come and let me down. and i do know that it's too late for you and your stupid white horse to come around.

because i'm now a princess, this is my fairytale. i'm still a dreamer, after you never let me down. and it's never too late for you and your white horse to come around. i've found somebody who actually treats me well. and i do know that this is a big world, not a small town, not hollywood.

it's not too late, catch me now.

my exam is tomorrow.

and i am interested in doing nothing but completely retarded facebook quizzes.

ANYTHING, but studying.

gotta get some healthy motivation here, girl!

there's a song that's inside of my soul, and it ain't sunshine.

sitting in my room during CSS FOC doesn't sound like it's exactly the most social thing to do. i am, however, trying to study for my exam this saturday and hence have to suppress my kaypoh nature just for this next week. i hardly slept a wink last night, tossing and turning til 5 in the morning. it was dreadfully fitful sleep, as i dozed off, woke up, and dozed off again repeatedly til the sun came up. i am going to try to catch a bit of shut eye before i try to study in the afternoon - i am so optimistic, i am the sunshine of my own life.

there's a song that's inside of my soul

it's the one that i've tried to write over and over again.

i'm awake in the infinite cold

yet you sing to me over and over and over again

so i lay my head back down

and i lift my hands and pray

to be only yours i pray

to be only yours, i know now

you're my only hope.

facebook is a time waster.

@%^%&^@#^&@^ 

i have just facebooked 15min of my precious life away in a semi-zombie state - i am very very tired but am forcing myself to finish my reading for tutorial tomorrow.

operation presentation is failing miserably by the way. i have too many things on my mind to focus on turning out a good presentation. by monday. 

best idea i ever had, taking this special sem module when my heart isn't really in it. 

my heart's in my warm bed. i always can't wait to go to bed and i hate getting up in the mornings. 

she's in fashion

after a nearly 2 month hiatus, i'm back! i didn't see a point in posting anything when i didn't feel like it. to be perfectly honest, i am still bordering on uninspired. these days have been filled with afternoon classes (2pm-4pm should be declared official nap time) that have seen me struggling to read enough to keep up. the 4th week of special semester is about to be over and i am entirely unprepared for anything - exams are in 2 weeks (!!!!)

my lack of inspiration is carrying over to my presentation, which beckons to be done by monday. every idea that runs through my head seems closer and closer to retarded, and i must admit i'm getting a little worried. perhaps my brains have truly atrophied from lack of usage and my total brain capacity has shrunk. 

that aside, i am extremely tempted to go shopping. i have not shopped since coming back from Guelph (for good reason, my mother might add), but i am starting to feel restless at my unchanging wardrobe. this has got to be the longest period where i have not bought ANYTHING at all. save for one party dress - i have not bought anything since coming home. my roving eye has seen many pretty things but my paltry allowance has stopped me from procuring any of my objects of desire. i want gladiator heels, lots and lots of them. i want new black skinnies, and black shorts too. i want a new hairstyle, but it's taking forever to grow out. arghhhh. i am having one of those dissatisfied days at the mo, i'm sure it'll all pass eventually.

okay i will perservere in my research for the presentation before picking Carol up for supper.

think fashion!