I am slightly superficial

I have written 500 words for the intro of my 2000 word essay, and I am still rather undecided if I should attempt to get up tomorrow morning at the utterly ridiculous time of 7.30am for my Utopias seminar at 10am.

All things considered, I am fairly inclined towards dragging myself out of bed and forcing a cup of coffee down my throat to wake me up somewhat. After all, I have skipped the last 3 weeks of my Utopias seminar and I am actually feeling all sorts of guilty just thinking about it. Guilty, and friggin' frightened cos I don't know what the hell is going on. My intention was to resume attendance for that from week 7 onwards, but I'm not sure if that would cost me my mid-term grade or not.

However, considering the fact that I have another 1500 words of my Pynchon essay to churn out by Tuesday, on top of the 150 word summary I need to produce for my PR issue tracking assignment - I may just stay in tomorrow to get all that work done.

Sigh. I am really rather undecided.


That aside. I just bought myself a new dress from lilypirates, which made me momentarily happy cos it was so much like the dress I was admiring on Serena from Gossip Girl when I was browsing through gossipgirlfashion.net. :)


Ta-dah!!






Isn't it a beauty??

Such a pretty addition to my wardrobe!! *gleeful*
The original piece that Serena wears is a piece from Blumarine's Spring/Summer 2006 collection.
Just a different colour, but the mint green is just as pretty and I'm getting it at just a fraction of a fraction of the original price :) :)



I was stoked for all of 5 seconds then I realised I had to pull some huge-ass stunt for my Pynchon essay and I got all depressed all over again. That, and I also remembered that my cupboard is really and truly bursting at the hinges and got even more mopey. I need to throw out half my entire wardrobe pronto, and I really want to take all my stuff down to the flea to sell off. Sigh. I could just sell my pre-loved stuff online, but I don't really have the time to take photos of my stuff at the moment.. Maybe in 8 weeks' time when all this madness has died down somewhat.


Okay and you know what, I still haven't decided if I should wake up for 10am Utopias tomorrow or not. And I also have not decided if I should get the Aldo stuff or not. Bah.

I am a very distracted (and sleepy) girl.

On one hand, I am trying to hammer out at least some semblance of an introduction for my Pynchon essay - if only to ease my sluggishly frazzled mind a bit.

On the other, I am also veryvery distracted by these items from Aldo which I am contemplating purchasing.





The afternoon heat is sapping away my energy. I can't seem to do either of these very simple tasks.
Urghhh :(

Gravity's Rainbow

My one week of legit break is almost over, and I am really quite screwed considering my workload this semester. I know, I promised to try to not whine in this space, butbutBUT - I can't help it!! My 2000 word Pynchon essay has not even begun to exist at this point as I type all this in, and this is very happily due on Tuesday by the way. I have a grand total of 3 other papers I need to start to work on, seeing how none of my groups are even slightly motivated to start anything, which just means I have to start divvying up parts of the report for each of us to concentrate on. I also have to read 2 books for my utopias class, which I have seemingly neglected over the last month or so, since the mid-term is in week 7, a mere 2 weeks from now. All that aside, I also have to start to read a lot more so that I will have an inkling of what I want to write about for my 2500 word utopia essay, and the 4000 word Pynchon essay that's worth a whopping 50% of my total grade for the class.

ARGH. And Chinese New Year doesn't even seem to be properly past yet!!! Ridiculous.
So much work to do, so little time. I am wondering if this is due to yet another semester of bad planning, or whether it's just that - a f*ckload of work that nevernever ends.

Whatever it is, two things I am absolutely certain of. Firstly, my urge to shop increases exponentially with the amount of work I am facing, and thus the frequency to spend money with a bit more wild abandon. Secondly, the arc of the rainbow shows me that nothing can escape from the forces of gravity; everything that goes up will come down at some point or the other, every tendency toward order will precipitate the onset of a certain kind of disorder somewhere else - the trajectory of the arc of the rainbow tells me that, just like the curve of the Poisson distribution. So what this really tells me is that as I strive to put the shambles of my school life into some semblance of order, this will result in disorder in some other aspect of my life, unavoidably. So I have to ready myself for the onset of chaos cos entropy is the natural state of things, & in the greater scheme of things, there will always be a tendency towards a larger disorder in spite of the little clumps of order that only seem to form some sort of pattern.

AHEAD:

Could one move forward by walking backwards?
Reach the sky by falling down.
Stop time, freeze it
See the world in my crystal ball.
The lamp flickers as I run by
Velvet wings of a bat
Moonshine that turns into sunshine
In the blink of an eye.

I know of someone who used to reach for the stars
Think nothing,
Completing that song in her heart.
Optimism brimming over in a wisp of fairy dust
Caressing, stroking, murmuring a lullaby -

Snap,
the neck of a frightened quail.












Oh, & I know not a very good note to end off with, but happy CNY dear friends :)

"Will you be my Valentine?"

I think Clem reads my blog (even though he never comments), cos tonight we actually went out and did something! It was the best Friday I had in a very long time, and I didn't want to go home. Aw I sound all teenagey all over again, suddenly hahaha.

Valentine's Day after tuition - it was actually a pretty good movie, and I enjoyed it, even though the papers panned it in the review sections. Reminded me a lot of Love Actually, which I watched when I was like what, 16? Funny how V Day  made me all warm & fuzzy over a day I never really believed in outwardly. Of course, I've secretly always sort of wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day, especially when I was single and saw the stream of in-love couples walking in the malls on the day itself. Made me want to get a boyfriend to spend the day with. Now that I'm actually in a relationship and there's actually someone to spend the day with, I never really had any burning desire to celebrate by buying into the whole commercialism of the thing (hence the skyhigh prices of practically anything fit for consumption/enjoyment on every 14 Feb).

Curiouser & curiouser!





But watching movies like that always make me momentarily forget my ire with the mechanism of mass production of culture - Valentine's Day included - and makes me wish I could have a bouquet of flowers delivered to wherever I am with a card asking me: "Will you be my Valentine?"

I never had the chance to say yes.

6 resolutions for CNY to rid myself of dependency

I've been one messed up ball of emotions the past week. The mid-terms took a lot out of me - you know how I don't settle for mediocrity. So I pushed myself like hell, studying as if it were finals. The PR paper went terribly terribly badly, and I got my period in the morning of the paper to top it all off, so I am pissed off with myself there. Slept my entire Wednesday afternoon away, just so I would feel better so I wouldn't disappoint Clem by being not able to go for his steamboat reunion dinner thingy at Crystal Jade.

That all being said and done...
And I'm beginning to hate my dependence on you. I'm trying so hard to not need your constant presence and support, but it's taking so much out of me. This semester, I've been feeling like a fish out of water, what with my heavy new media module-load tipping my academic equilibrium slightly. My parents have been uncommonly agitated and antsy too (and I put that down to them only having one daughter at home to fuss about now), and life in the house has been horrid to the point of unbearable lately. My one comfort is knowing that you'll always be there for me - and when I realise that that's increasingly not possible on school days now, I'm beginning to panic a bit.

Sigh. I sound so self-centred, I hate it. I know that our relationship isn't all about you being here for me and showering me with attention all the time, I know that it's a bit of give and take all the time. I don't really know what I should do from here. This is precisely why I never wanted to get too vulnerable, never wanted to let my guard down at all. I was so stupid about falling into some sort of dependency issue here that has all the qualities of parasitism at the moment: I just can't do this anymore.

I need to tell myself that I don't need you around to walk my hard roads with me - you've got enough on your plate as it is since you begun work. I need to learn to deal with it, to suck everything up and just breathe on my own, and everything will be fine, just like I used to be able to cope. I need to stop looking forward to empty weekends that we both just spend catching on on precious sleep, no more of the irresponsibility of capricious weekend gallivanting, trawling malls and having endless lunches/dinners/suppers, watching movie after movie. I need to stop needing to hear your voice just to fall asleep - I need to be able to put myself to sleep without anyone's help. I need to stop all this bullshit because I hate feeling helpless and weak.


So some resolutions I have made that should help me be in more control of my life again:
1. I will not press you to talk to me night after night anymore, when clearly all you want and need is sleep. A simple, short "good night" will suffice.
2. I will not look forward to having fun on weekends again, when clearly all you want and need again - is to catch up on rest. I will, instead, channel all my energy into my work, as it should have been from the start anyway.
3. I will not let you buy anything for me ever again, simply because I don't think I should be letting you waste your money on me and my indulgences.
4. Whenever I feel like crying (like now, actually), I will not hurry to pick up my phone and dial your number anymore. I must deal with my own emotions because I can.
5. I will not tolerate bullshit from anyone anymore, including too-nice attempts to be nice to Toadette - because I will not be a hypocrite and try to be nice to someone I clearly do not like for very many reasons. I do not like people who wallow in their own self-pity and insecurities, because I hate it when I do it myself and I expect you to hate it of yourself too. Everyone is, after all, insecure and broken to large extents, so I'm starting to be weary of your thinly veiled attempts at sympathy/attention/sheer stupidity and retardedness, playing the "oh look at me I'm so insecure" card. Enough bullshit. Reason, yes. Excuse, no - sorry. If you want me to go on and elaborate about why I think I'm "broken", go read my previous blog.
6. I will spend all my energy being a nerd, finishing up all my reading and beginning on any of my 3 reports. That way, I won't bug you.




Looks like a cheery list of CNY resolutions. I clearly have issues and I clearly have not grown out of my emo-ness. HA.

If you can't fix it... don't break it.

I DO NOT FEEL LIKE STUDYING FOR PR AT ALL.

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhh :( :( :(
I'm doing every single thing 'cept study. I'm not the student I used to be.

How numb I am beginning to feel.

I must keep at this with dignity & grace,

even though everything seems so bleak & bland.

It's always the hardest on the eve.

Down the rabbit hole I go..

Clem has said that I do nothing but whine lately in my posts, so I shall try not to do that this time round.
Believe me, I didn't intend to do nothing but complain! It's just that the last week or so has been an insane rush for me, what with the sudden realization of the not one but two mid-terms were about to beset me, and the panic brought about by the beginning of all my projects. I was and am overwhelmed, majorly. And even now, I'm blogging on stolen time, seeing how I'm so frightfully behind on my studying for both mid-terms, both within a day of each other (wtf rawr).

Having had a tumultuous weekend, I find myself coming out of it bruised, scarred, and limping. I said many many hurtful things I should have, and in return, have heard many other hurtful things hurled back at me. I saw someone snap a plastic pen in a flash of rage, felt unwanted and unloved for the first time in a longest time ever. Nonetheless, with the weekend fast behind me, I turn to face the oncoming week. Bring it on, I say. Hurl everything you've got at me, you'll find that it all won't suffice to break me. (Oh gosh am I tempting fate?)


Sometimes, I forget what it's like to not be ambitious, to not keep wanting to achieve and attain and shine. I'm addicted to that, the feeling of accomplishing something, anything. It all drives me to keep pushing myself, harder and harder - and it makes the failure all the harder, too. That's not even to say I'm some superstar achiever or anything like that, far from it. I guess I'm just doing all I can to stave away mediocrity, which I detest. It's the same principle as my decision to only wear fricking high heels, or else - flats. I don't wear kitten heels or anything less than 4 inches; I don't do in-betweens very well. Yes I know, this is something I've repeated to death already, but it's something I cling on to ever-so-tightly. That being said, I have a million things I want to do, and I daresay now's the right time to get them all done with my can-do attitude at the mo'. I reckon I'll be deflated in a couple of days - just a regular blimp on my schedule if you know what I mean, so now's the time, more than ever.

I've got manymany books to read, a blogshop to re-open, and my body to lick back into shape.
So down the rabbit hole I go, not knowing what waits for me at the end of the long fall.

epic fail day

It's a Thursday night, I am studying for my mid-terms, and I am kinda sick of stating the obvious. Now it suddenly becomes clear again to me why I chose to major in literature and not new media: the mugging is something I abhorred and abhor.

I do not think successful people in advertising can tell me the 4 key components of the marketing and promotions process model - nor do I think I will be able to tell you that come May after I no longer have any use for such information. But I have to try to squeeze all of this into my brain before Tuesday, and I'm a bit skeptical about how it's gonna happen.


Why is it that we're always stuck doing what we ought to and not entirely what we want? Is that a condition of life per se, hence I am making entirely too big a fuss over nothing, really - or is that something that shouldn't be? I can't decide, just as I cannot decide how I should best slay this huge dragon which is the business of studying for my mid-terms next week.

Mid-terms in week 5 are, by the way, an entirely ridiculous affair on several counts. "Mid-term" suggests the middle of the term. The term, being 13 weeks long in total, would have as its mid-point somewhere between weeks 6 and 7. Because week 5 does not in any way fall within that week 6-7 window, I therefore conclude that labelling such stupid tests as "mid-terms" is a falsification and therefore, the notion should be rejected due to its illogicity. Damn if only NUS could read this train of thought. More stellar than any of my efforts at mugging have been thus far, I must say.

Speaking of stellar - today was a spectacularly epic fail day. I woke up late, rushed to get to school on time, realised I forgot to bring my wallet, fell asleep in front of the tv of Clem's living room while I was supposed to be getting ready for my first run this week. I am an utter failure today, and today was shiteous. May tomorrow be everything today wasn't. Thankyou.


I am going to plop on my bed to read the remaining 10 pages of chapter 2 of advertising. I am hoping that a change of location would help this dismal endeavour somehow. Something tells me I'm neglecting PR, btw. ROAR.

I think I've hit my quota of the sem for retarded year 1s.

I have some major issues in my life. And I am only beginning to face up to them, one by one, painfully.

I think it's time to face up to the fact that... I am addicted to shopping. I am fricking addicted!!! I shop and shop and shop for nothing in particular, and it's not even as if I can wear everything I buy right now. I keep telling myself that I'm buying this dress for work, stocking up, you know, that sort of thing. But obviously, when I actually start working, I'll shop for a whole new wardrobe all over again anyway. So, what the hell am I doing?! Sigh. Bonitochico is seriously one money-sucking blackhole. I cannot cannot keep checking for new collections - cos everytime they launch, I get stuff. I just spent $85.50 on 3 items, and I am eyeing another 4 items. Royally screwed right. How, I need to control myself. And throwing myself into work isn't helping either cos I'm so distracted. Maybe I should disable my internet.


I also think it's time for me to realize that school has finally started, horrible fact of life that may be. I seem to be deluded in my attempts to evade anything school related, and I find myself suddenly thrust into the horrifying fact that next week is week 5, and I have two bloody mid-terms next week. LIKE HELLO, SCHOOL JUST BEGUN. :( :( :( :( :( :( And I discover to my horror x20 that I have a 2000 word essay due in 3 weeks' time, just after CNY. Why am I such a horrible student this semester? I have zero motivation, zero drive, zero anything. I just want to while my life away at home in bed. Speaking of bed. I haven't had enough of my beloved bed since wretched school begun. I hop out of bed at 720am (lately I've been bad at that but that's just temporary I promise), and hop back into bed only past 12am most nights. Like tonight. I'm staying up doing random things like downloading sound card drivers hoping hoping hoping that sound will be restored on my lappie. I need to get the sound up by the week after CNY for the 2nd Life tutorial I'm supposed to attend then. I absolutely REFUSE to go back to sch to sit in the computer lab like a pathetic fool just so I can attend my 2nd Life tutorial. I will even attend it without sound FROM MY HOME if I have to, just have to muddle along and pretend I have sound or some shit.


And today I met this supremely annoying ignorant year 1 English Language major. Such a prick omg. He said to me rather casually: "I heard you EN majors have it so much easier than us EL majors."


WTF!!!!!! Like seriously are you a nitwit?!


I don't go around telling that to TS majors, nor do I do that to EL majors. We're supposed to be "one big happy family" in the English Language and Literature Department, you dimwit!!!! Obviously, this poor chap is not going to last very long for very well in NUS, being such a dullard and downright dumb. But I was seething at his trite comment! Felt SO MUCH LIKE SOCKING HIM. First violent tendency in 2010 woohoo. Sweetheart, your preconceived notion of more difficult = better is sadly sadly outdated, and belongs in the attic. Furthermore, you're a puny year 1, so it does come across as fairly presumptious when you claim such things fecklessly. What do you know of how "easy" literature is? Especially when you follow your comment with something so appallingly DIM: "I don't like literature cos I don't like to think of stories as literature, as being written by someone." What bloody stage of pre-pubescence are you stuck in? Why do you still assume that stories just happened, that no one had to make them up? Sigh.


DUMBASS.



My driver is still downloading. Sigh. I need to sleep soon so I can wake up early. Gotta crack that advertising text open for the first time this entire sem.