I've been one messed up ball of emotions the past week. The mid-terms took a lot out of me - you know how I don't settle for mediocrity. So I pushed myself like hell, studying as if it were finals. The PR paper went terribly terribly badly, and I got my period in the morning of the paper to top it all off, so I am pissed off with myself there. Slept my entire Wednesday afternoon away, just so I would feel better so I wouldn't disappoint Clem by being not able to go for his steamboat reunion dinner thingy at Crystal Jade.
That all being said and done...
And I'm beginning to hate my dependence on you. I'm trying so hard to not need your constant presence and support, but it's taking so much out of me. This semester, I've been feeling like a fish out of water, what with my heavy new media module-load tipping my academic equilibrium slightly. My parents have been uncommonly agitated and antsy too (and I put that down to them only having one daughter at home to fuss about now), and life in the house has been horrid to the point of unbearable lately. My one comfort is knowing that you'll always be there for me - and when I realise that that's increasingly not possible on school days now, I'm beginning to panic a bit.
Sigh. I sound so self-centred, I hate it. I know that our relationship isn't all about you being here for me and showering me with attention all the time, I know that it's a bit of give and take all the time. I don't really know what I should do from here. This is precisely why I never wanted to get too vulnerable, never wanted to let my guard down at all. I was so stupid about falling into some sort of dependency issue here that has all the qualities of parasitism at the moment: I just can't do this anymore.
I need to tell myself that I don't need you around to walk my hard roads with me - you've got enough on your plate as it is since you begun work. I need to learn to deal with it, to suck everything up and just breathe on my own, and everything will be fine, just like I used to be able to cope. I need to stop looking forward to empty weekends that we both just spend catching on on precious sleep, no more of the irresponsibility of capricious weekend gallivanting, trawling malls and having endless lunches/dinners/suppers, watching movie after movie. I need to stop needing to hear your voice just to fall asleep - I need to be able to put myself to sleep without anyone's help. I need to stop all this bullshit because I hate feeling helpless and weak.
So some resolutions I have made that should help me be in more control of my life again:
1. I will not press you to talk to me night after night anymore, when clearly all you want and need is sleep. A simple, short "good night" will suffice.
2. I will not look forward to having fun on weekends again, when clearly all you want and need again - is to catch up on rest. I will, instead, channel all my energy into my work, as it should have been from the start anyway.
3. I will not let you buy anything for me ever again, simply because I don't think I should be letting you waste your money on me and my indulgences.
4. Whenever I feel like crying (like now, actually), I will not hurry to pick up my phone and dial your number anymore. I must deal with my own emotions because I can.
5. I will not tolerate bullshit from anyone anymore, including too-nice attempts to be nice to Toadette - because I will not be a hypocrite and try to be nice to someone I clearly do not like for very many reasons. I do not like people who wallow in their own self-pity and insecurities, because I hate it when I do it myself and I expect you to hate it of yourself too. Everyone is, after all, insecure and broken to large extents, so I'm starting to be weary of your thinly veiled attempts at sympathy/attention/sheer stupidity and retardedness, playing the "oh look at me I'm so insecure" card. Enough bullshit. Reason, yes. Excuse, no - sorry. If you want me to go on and elaborate about why I think I'm "broken", go read my previous blog.
6. I will spend all my energy being a nerd, finishing up all my reading and beginning on any of my 3 reports. That way, I won't bug you.
Looks like a cheery list of CNY resolutions. I clearly have issues and I clearly have not grown out of my emo-ness. HA.
3 comments:
Hey Kel, sounds like you're really having a rough time. Don't forget you have me too standing by supporting and all too ready to listen to you, even if you rant :) And lift it all to God too, smile, we all love you. Happy CNY and V day!
thanks for the encouragement & show of support Tri dear :)
my CNY resolution is to be a lot less reliant on others & tonnes more self & God-sufficient. everyone disappoints and i hate to rediscover that over & over again :(
and i didn't do anything for V-day, as usual! Clem didn't get my hugeass hint in my post after this haha. oh wellllll.
happy CNY & hope you had a great V day dear. :)
Kel dear, yeah you're right that everyone disappoints from time to time, all except God that is, but ultimately remember that we do care about you! I on my part, will try my bestest not to, but if I do, I really never meant to, honest!
It's great to be independent, and I'm support you in everything that you do, so long as it doesn't result in you getting hurt or less healthy. I love u sis dear!
Thought u watched V'day? Nah I'm sure most of us didn't have much of V day to spend anyway, and neither did I. Tell him straight you want to do something next time! I told andy shamelessly that I expected a present too :p haha.
Hope you had a good CNY and happy V day from me to you :D Still rmb our fond V days in IJ
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