love me, love me - say that you love me.

so we all dislike insecurity - i hate it, too. i despise that i'm so insecure about everything, even to the extent of dreaming those irritating, insecure, nonsesical dreams. i wish i could rid myself of it all. what is there to be scared of, really? as you said: irrational. and i know it. i wake up with images of you abandoning me fresh in my mind, and it disturbs me. and yet, why should i even have such dreams? i know i shouldn't, and yet i still have them. which is what frustrates me.

and. i think i've left my mp3 player on the MAS flight back to Singapore from Brisbane. i am veryvery upset about that, and i need to get me a new player soon.


love me, love me, say that you love me.

ARGH

so i think my arguments aren't worth two cents - the bottomline is that you just want to control me. run my life, and have a say in everything i do. it's beginning to become a little ridiculous, this degree of control you want to have in everything i do. i'm starting to wish i were a lot stupider, a lot less ambitious, so that i wouldn't want to do so many things my way. it doesn't make sense how you'd not let me do something if i have a solution to something that's obstructing my way. it's laughable, almost, how stupid it really is. so you wonder why people move out, why people don't stay around: this is precisely why. you're going along the right path, congratulations, you. just keep at it. i'm trying to bear this as gracefully and obediently as i can, but you know, sometimes, i just snap from the sheer unreasonableness. it makes zero sense, and what's more, you can turn around and tell me that i make no sense at all. i don't know whether to laugh or to cry, and what comes out is a cross between the two. you threaten me with all sorts of things, dare me to do things at the expense of something else - what are you trying to teach me? twenty years of life has taught me too much, and one thing i've learnt through it all is to see the logical in the illogical. you, unfortunately, do not have that ability, so i wish i could tell you to zip it and stop telling me i'm the one not making logical sense. if it's not about the money, and not about the time, then what is it about? if you cannot tell me, then all i can conclude is that you just want to micro-manage my life, and that is a very sad conclusion indeed because it's the one that is most ridiculous.

i want to break free.

i <3 home!

so i'm back from Australia, and i'm expected and supposed to blog about my experience. i suppose i will, one day, but i don't quite feel like blogging abt it now. so i'm a bit sick of doing anything at all and i crave some alone time at home, something i haven't had since coming back to Singapore last Monday. i'm not upset about it, i'm just quite tired. it baffles me sometimes how i'm expected to have so much energy to do so much things, being young & uhh nubile. but i just don't! i'm so tired so often. ugh. i've just come home from Hilda's place, & i'm exhausted, frankly. being with people i love makes me happy, but i'm just sapped somehow after it all.

one thing Australia has shown me, though, is that i love home too much. there i was, having all those grandiose dreams of moving abroad and living a glamorous life outside boring Singapore, but now i'm not so sure about that. sure, other countries are exciting. there's summer-autumn-winter-spring - oh yay, so exciting! snow! but being away for those mere two weeks away from my family and the friends dear to me was painful, so difficult, and it almost killed me. especially since i was sick and miserable, which didn't help my homesickness. how am i gonna survive my exchange in Canada, sometimes i wonder. i know for a fact i'd miss home a lot. i know i'd wanna be with the people i love. but i do also know that i'd enjoy myself.

and i know this is totally off-tangent, but you know, whatever. get over it.

AUSTRALIA!!!

Sydney is cold at this time of the night. i was pretty miserable in the freezing cold up until now when i'm feeling a lot better for some reason. i fell sick on the way to Sydney from Melbourne, still am sick one day before i'm supposed to be camping out in the field for the Pope's Mass on Sunday, and i think i will still be sick when i get back to Singapore.

i miss the heat in Singapore, i miss my bed, i miss home.
HOMESICK.

but. i cannot wait to see the Pope, even though it's fricking cold and i'm slowly disappearing into nothingness.


GREETINGS FROM DOWN UNDER PEOPLE!
xoxo.

i am needy.

so i am needy and i need a lot. i am emotional and a weak, silly female. which might make me selfish, self-centred, & uncaring. i am depressed over a lot of things, though i'm not quite sure if i should be, at all. an avalanche of emotions has just washed over me and i have no idea how to chuck it all aside as i usually do. i feel uncared for by the people who mean the most to me, i feel upset over my irrationality and weakness, i am extremely frustrated over the situation that i foresee will unfold in the next 12 days. i need you with me - but that is sadly not possible. this needing is making me feel extremely irritated with myself, which just compounds the bubble of frustration building up inside. i fear i will burst with rage at the smallest irritation tomorrow, since i am in such a horrendous stupendous fury at the present. things that shouldn't matter, unfortunately, irk me like hell - whil things that do really matter seem insignificant and unimportant at the moment, such as my second exchange referral which i have yet to procure. am i just silly, inept, or completely and unfortunately inapropriate?

i don't have enough, i need so much more, and i feel like such an ass for even thinking these thoughts. and because i am already lacking, this self-bashing does nothing to improve my mood; quite the opposite happens, actually, and i feel woefully like screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs - at myself, and a handful of other people whom i unfortunately love too much. which explains this severe outburst of emotion.

what i hate, what i oughtn't.

there are so many things threatening to rob me of whatever last threads of sanity i'm hanging on to right now. too many things that are far too trivial to expend the far too much energy i've wasted on all this thus far. it is ridiculous, i do not want to participate in conversations such as these anymore as they are a complete waste of my too-precious time.

i hate time-wasters, i hate emotional blackmail - there are too many things i hate that i oughtn't. just go on, say whatever you want, but you will realise that this is all a big mistake; and by then, it might well be just too late.

a whole new world

i can show you the world

shining, shimmering, splendid

tell me princess,

now when did you last let your heart decide?

i can open your eyes

take you wonder by wonder

over, sideways, & under

- on a magic carpet ride.

a whole new world;

a new fantastic point of view.

no one to tell us "no" -

or where to go,

or say we're only dreaming.

a whole new world;

a dazzling place i never knew.

but now i'm way up here,

it's crystal clear,

that now i'm in a whole new world with you.

unbelievable sights, indescribable feelings.

soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling,

through an endless diamond sky.

a whole new world;

a hundred thousand things to see.

i'm like a shooting star,

i've come so far, -

i can't go back to where i used to be.

a whole new world;

with new horizons to pursue.

i'll chase them anywhere,

there's time to spare,

let me share this whole new world with you.

what a lovely holiday, there's nothing funny left to say.

i am quite tired. really busy times ahead of me, and i need to be in high spirits to get through it all. i haven't quite shaken off the lethargy, though. helppppp. when i get back on the 21st, i have to settle the remaining exchange stuff, pack for and move into PGP, finish painting the rest of my room - which entails the emptying of my too-full shelves. going up to KL for the Passion conference on the 3rd of August as well, and perhaps perhaps i'm going up with the family to Genting on the 8th of August. my slow, snoozy life has suddenly picked up, and i'm not quite sure what to do about it all! it's during times like these when i wonder whether i'm truly a driven person, or whether i've gotten to where i am simply by chance. just as a leaf is picked up from the floor by the wind and blown thousands of miles from where it fell - it's not that it propelled itself by any extraordinary willpower to thousands of miles away from its starting point - it just happened, and i feel a bit like that now. like some huge wind beyond my control is just blowing me along and all i can do is allow myself to be carried, and see where i end up. it's stupid when you think about it, not grabbing your life with both hands and letting something seemingly bigger than oneself decide for you by some sort of random anarchistic rules.

aaaaaaaah packing is driving me crazy. :(


save me from drowning in the sea
beat me up on the beach
what a lovely holiday,
there's nothing funny left to say.

a public affair

since the last time i've posted, i feel as if a ton of things have happened. suddenly, i find myself in the midst of preparing documents to submit to go for exchange in January next year, fighting administration and their errors, finding out that January 2009 is way too soon for my liking. if everything goes well, the new year will see me in freezing Ontario in the University of Guelph. cold place, not my first choice, but i'll take overseas opportunities with both hands, suddenly. am i that desperate? - sometimes i think to myself. but i've so many reasons to have zero faith in myself anymore that sometimes i think i totally overrate myself.

4th of August will see me moving into PGP with Carol, we're both planning to share a room. i wonder how it'll work out, and yet i think i won't have any choice BUT to make it work cos it looks like i'm gonna have three 10am classes next sem. it could be fun, and yet, it could also be some sort of disastrous. i wonder what it'll be like. some part of me is so reluctant to get ready to move out of my comfy home 5 days a week, though, and live on campus. i remember how reluctant i was to go back to hall the first year every sunday night, how i'd rather stay at home and sleep, and wake up the next day and trudge to school. in principle, that'd be what i prefer. but i know that when i actually have to wake up, i'll grumble and bitch about it as if i was arm-twisted into doing it. which is quite nonsensical, when you think abt it. so i will just cut the crap, and try to stay in PGP. for the sake of my studies, i will try.

even closer to the present - 8th July will see me flying off to Melbourne-Sydney for 12 days for world youth day. i am both looking forward to that, and dreading it, in all honesty. 12 days alone, so far from home and all its comforts - i wonder what those days have in store for me, really. it could be all sorts of wonderful, and yet, it could also be all sorts of dreadful. perhaps really, it's what i make out of it. perhaps. the packing is driving me crazy though. winter, but not enough space to pack enough clothes cos everything's supposed to be able to fit into a bag-pack.

sigh. so much to do! i should be happy, and some part of me is happy at all these things happening! but there's still so much inertia in me that's making me soooooooooo lazy and lethargic, i feel as if i don't have any energy left-over to socialize and keep up with my social circles. ha yes, i know, it sounds so superficial, but i couldn't think of a better way to put that. msn wears me out by the sheer amount of people i have on my list. it's great, keeping in touch with people like that, but every time i venture online and talk to various people, i end the night swearing to myself that i'll never appear online again. it's quite exhausting, and i don't know how people do it on a regular basis! in all honesty, they have my utmost admiration.



all the girls stepping out for a public affair.