today/the last few days has/have been one of those days when i feel annoyance bubbling up from somewhere inside me and threatening to completely engulf me and explode outwards to the people around. funny though, since i ought to be a more peaceful, God-loving, happy person going through the experience of Parish Renewal in the Parish Renewal Experience. pah! i haven't been more unsettled, irritated, and overall, more FRUSTRATED in a long time.

i surmise it's cos i feel i've been dragged to this to accompany my mom, hence the bad grace and the sense of being victimised or made use of. the angry tears keep threatening to well up and i feel like throwing a tremendous tantrum - but happily enough, i still possess enough presence of mind not to lose any semblence of self-control.


i sense the need for God to come into my life fully again, cos i don't know where all this anger and irritation is coming from. it seems as though sometimes, there's this other beast living in the body people know as Kelly, and it's making me feel all this bestial wrath. roar? i think i'm no more bestial than a cat, but you know what i mean lah.

lovely greyish sky today again! it's been like this the last few days. i love this kinda weather. makes me feel good staying at home, makes me want to stay home. good actually, this wanting to stay at home. cos i'm terribly TERRIBLY broke! so for the remaining of this week AND next week, i'm not gonna go anywhere that involves spending money.

the one thing that would make my homestay more cosy and enjoyable would be rain! then i can curl up in bed and take a lovely afternoon cat nap.

speaking of cats. one of those friendly neighbourhood cats attempted to get into my room early this morning! i awoke to the sound of things falling to the floor and scuffling by the window. upon further investigation, i saw dirty little pawprints on my wall - evidence of the kitty's break-in this morning.

it doesn't look like it's gonna rain afterall. :( was looking forward to curling up in bed to the sound of the pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof shingles.

things have been quiet on this blog lately cos i haven't been able to put my thoughts into words. paradoxical, really, how there's so much happening up there in my mind, but when i probe deeper - nothing much at all either.

met Lynette today for a catch-up! realised that i've missed being with her. you never know how much something means to you until it disappears from your life. then you start to see that gaping hole where it once resided. friendships are all a bit like that. when i get frustrated with the way things are going, i tend to turn away from people and just keep looking within. keep turning to me and wondering what i'm feeling, why i'm feeling, and just shut everything else out.

sometimes i feel like there're a lot of things i gotta say to quite a lot of people. but then i just don't feel like talking for many reasons. i just choose to not bother about these outstanding things that ought to be settled cos i don't want to stir things up in my life. things have reached an equilibrium and i just don't want to move from this vantage point where at least the boat doesn't rock and i don't feel like throwing up from sea-sickness.

strangely enough, it's starting to get lonely where i am. though it doesn't seem to warrant loneliness from anywhere - loneliness nonetheless engulfs me and leaves me gasping for air. it's like an uncalled for sort of feeling that just creeps up on me and ambushes me.

some things just trigger reactions or memories that force me to behave strangely, still. i'm frustrated, and yet resigned to the fact that maybe, things will always be like that for me. as normal as normal gets, but not entirely tension-free or awkward-less. i'm wary about talking or sharing about myself; increasingly, as the days go by. not a good thing to be proud of, and yet i suspect it's a defense mechanism too that kicks in to prevent me from ever getting shell-shockedly hurt again. i've given up trying to bring people by the hand over to my point-of-view, to try to show them where i'm coming from and how the sunset looks from my opposite ledge. it's been a few months since i've given up and i can safely say i'm a much less emotionally wrecked up person now.

and so, we just exist as friendly strangers.

my heart is heavy and inexplicably, everything hurts more than it should. we're all lonely deep down inside. i'm no exception. i'm trying to not yield to my desires and immediate wants, to stop thinking about myself all the time and think also for those whom i love and care about. but all these extra cares are wearing me down even though i've barely begun to even try to shoulder them and i'm lost.

for a while, i thought i knew where i was headed. i thought i had everything figured out and my life was finally going to be settled and dandy. how wrong i am, because there's still so much i don't know, so much i'm unsure about. it's during times like these when i feel that my veneer of grown-up-ness and the surety and confidence that being a young woman brings - all melting away to reveal the lost little girl i still am deep inside. i think i know what i'm doing, i think i know what i'm saying, and then it all explodes in my face and i'm not sure about what i even knew to begin with.

when i see the disappointment, when i see the hurt and sadness etched in, when i see that i selfishly caused it all - i hate myself for it all the time. careless words, careless thoughts, carelessness all around. everything around me dripping in carelessness.

i'm single-handedly managing to ruin everything once again and i'm wondering how i even managed such a magnitude of confusion. i undermine my own prowess at ruining things, sometimes. this tendency to self-destruct is terribly dangerous, but how to curb it i have no clue.

then when i try to turn to God and fling myself at his feet, all that wells up in me is an overwhelming sense that he loves me. i love you, over and over again. but i don't want to be comforted, i don't want to find refuge; i want an answer. i want help. i want direction. then i feel bad cos i remember how God loves me so and i don't understand how i can just flick that knowledge aside. and i go round and round in my own head.

i'm terribly sad suddenly and i wish i knew what to do about everything. what wouldn't i give to make things right again for everyone? i'm beginning to wonder if i have a reversed Midas touch about me - everything i touch gets messed up. but then again, i remember the world doesn't revolve around me, so i'm not The Only Factor in so many things. variables i don't even know about could have contributed to the mess.

i suddenly also feel un-understood at all. not misunderstood. un-understood. that sometimes no one bothers to try to understand where i'm coming from - but that could be my own fault because most of the time, i give off the air that i'm perfectly understood and fine. i'm so cautious about certain things now, so careful about treading certain paths - and yet in all the care i take, carelessness still inevitably seeps in and ruins everything. like one of those land mines you take painstaking care to avoid, but you end up walking right into one of those potholes right in front of you in the end.

today on my way home, i was thinking about a lot of things. wondering if i could do certain things. if i could give up certain things for certain other things. wondering what would be the best thing to do. not the easiest thing this time, but the best thing for everyone. calculating my opportunity costs, and getting fed up with calculating cos i can't deal with emotions the same way that i deal with my numbers in algebra. if the equation doesn't add up - just chuck the number away.

i'm still human, after all!

Sentosa, Cathedral, Soup Spoon and Thai Express yesterday!

yummy day, yummy time i had.

days like these make me wanna stay forever where i am. and yet i also know somewhere in the back of my mind that days like these won't last forever. they're just fullstops between sentences, and the story goes on after the fullstop with yet another sentence.

as i was praying last night, something troubled me muchly. ah actually. many things trouble me muchly these days even though i seem to have minimal reason to be troubled. it's the smallest things that cause me great trouble, actually.

tomorrow always comes. even though sometimes you don't want tomorrow to come and you just want today to stay forever. all the tomorrows of my life, what do they hold in store for me? i wish i could take a peek into the future and see how my tomorrow next year will look like. on one hand, i'm ready to just heck it all and let myself get swept up in everything going on around me. don't bother to think, just do and worry about the consequences later on. but on the other, it's all too important to me to just ignore and pretend i'll be able to deal with the repercussions later.

unfortuntately, things don't always go the way we want them to. if only i knew for sure, if only i knew what i had for sure, if only i knew what i can give for sure.

God's voice is becoming increasingly faint in my life these days and i so desperately want to keep straining my ears to listen out for him. someone once chided me for clinging on tightly still in spite of everything. just let go, just give it all up to God, he said. but i choose to hang on still - hang on to God and never let go. it's tough to not give in to my physical and mental exhaustion and just do whatever pleases me. isn't it odd how your struggles seem the toughest to you? probably because they're tangible to you, whereas to others looking on, they can only imagine what you're going through - and what people imagine always doesn't measure up to what's actually going on.

SGL meeting on Saturday reminded me terribly about this verse in the bible in Ecclesiastes.

Vanity of vanity, and all is but vanity!

and i'm afraid this is what everything's about. everything in my life thus far seems to have been to feed my vanity, horrible, needy thing that it is. work is vanity, toil is vanity, and the list goes on. it's hard to accept that, but i think there's some degree of truth in what the guy Qoheleth says. to some extent, everything that we do save the pursuit for God in our lives as a personal journey - is vanity. i say pursuit of God as a personal journey cos sometimes i feel that people (especially in communities) 'seek' God because they want to attain spiritual status over their peers. i'm not guiltless of that, mind you, but being aware of this possibility helps keep me in check and makes me evaluate my pursuit of God in my life and examine my intentions behind everything i do. it's not easy to maintain such a high degree of self-awareness. sometimes you just wish you didn't know so much about yourself, cos it seems like the more you learn about yourself, the uglier a person you appear to be.

upon discovering what a horrible, yucky person i am deep inside, i shuddered and wanted to die. wanted to just stop it all, stop knowing so much. it's hard, it's definitely not pretty. you wonder why God loves you so much in spite of your yuckiness, then you stop and berate yourself cos you know that God's love for you is unconditional. not for laudable reasons and merits about you, but unexplanable, undeserved, and illogical sometimes.

i wish people'd practice what they preached. talking so much and knowing so much isn't enough in life. don't live in fear, someone told me. nothing doing, i say now. i'm suddenly very tired of everything and i'm not quite sure what to do anymore.

i've more or less planned out my timetable for next semester already. by some divine providence, my entire schedule sort of suits my nocturnal nature! my earliest class is 11am, and i'll end at 6pm most days. and.. i have a 4-day week! i have Fridays off. yes, even with tutorials planned in. most amazingly, there were no tutorial slots on Friday for any of the modules i'm planning to take.



i'm looking forward to the semester. looking forward to getting a good start to the sem, working hard and getting (hopefully) much better results. mods next sem seem a lot more interesting, for one thing! actually, arts mods are all seemingly a lot more interesting i guess.



am currently waiting for my painted toe nails to dry before i put on the top coat. i realise i only bother to repaint my nails when i'm feeling good about myself. like, i'll do everything. cut my finger nails, shave my legs, the works. i think i only bother to take care of me when i feel there's reason to do that. shouldn't it be like, the other way round? or a year-round, all-the-time kinda thing?



have been increasingly frustrated where my prayer life is concerned lately though. i'm mightily unsettled and confused, i can't decide what to do, and it's making me IRRITATED.

some days, i just sit where i am and stare out of my bedroom window, watching the fluffy white clouds float by in the deep blue sky.
other days, i fling myself down onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling, watching the spider weave its web and letting the bright light blind me.

what goes on beneath the calm surface?
wouldn't you like to know.

don't want to lose me, don't want to have to change myself - i say. but nonetheless, i tell you i'll try. so hard, but no choice. i'll have to try. ain't worth it, not to. my feelings, i'm learning how to control them a bit. ignore them a bit. leave them be a bit. shuffle them down the rankings of my Important-Things list a bit.

my middle name, Marie, means bitterness. and other cheery things like sea of sorrow and the like. sort of gives me a license to be melancholy, doesn't it? melancholy never leaves me. it's always lurking somewhere deep in me - i suspect i was made with a huge dose of melancholy and the like when God was creating the fibres of my being in heaven. there's always that little tinge of sadness in the reccesses of my soul, and i'm learning to just embrace it as part of me and not worry too much about it.

i'm happy now, i'm contented and very much happily and contentedly in love. with life, with him, with God, with everything. but at the same time, there're little vestiges of things that keep nibbling on my heels and annoying me, like one of those toy dogs that keep snapping at your heels when they want to play and you don't want to play with them. i'm learning how to ignore these left-over irrational nonsensical things, but to be able to do that i'm taking drastic measures - or am about to, anyway. i don't know if taking the most drastic and retardedly over-the-top course of action is the way to go, but i don't know how else to deal.


from Keats' Ode to Sorrow
... To Sorrow,
I bade good-morrow,
And thought to leave her far away behind;
But cheerly, cheerly,
She loves me dearly;
She is so constant to me, and so kind:
I would deceive her,
And so leave her,
But ah! she is so constant and so kind.

Beneath my palm trees, by the river side,
I sat a weeping: in the whole world wide
There was no one to ask me why I wept;
And so I kept
Brimming the water-lily cups with tears
Cold as my fears.

JOHN KEATS


i feel a lot like that sometimes, that misery and melancholy loves me dearly and is ever so constant in my life, so faithful. ah well.

i am the most horrible person alive and i ought to be flung into the sea.

i am a horrible specimen of a human being and i am disgusted with myself.
i know what it's like to be hurt by someone i care for, and i tell myself that no, i will never do the same thing.
and do i not do it?

no.

over and over and over and fricking over again.

wicked girl. i deserve not to be loved.

the past 2 days have seen me waking up at record early mornings! i was up at 7am this morning for 8.30am mass, and 10am yesterday morning to make it down for worship at 1.15pm.

that'd be good, all this early morning waking-up - if i slept earlier too. but i haven't. i haven't been able to. i haven't been sleeping well the last few days, having to stay up till 5am to exhaust myself to sleep so i don't think and think my brains out as i drift away to sleep.

my thoughts crowd my head at night just before i fall asleep and make it very noisy in there. it makes it hard to sleep even after i've quietened myself down somewhat. hence, the need to tire myself out to the point that i don't think, i just sleep.

conversation with God these days are somewhat dominated by 2 main things. i think God must be getting bored of me - who doesn't get bored with someone who keeps nattering on about something over and over, even when there's nothing new to say? ah well.

it came to me last night that i'm immeasurably peturbed and i don't like this feeling. i don't like feeling what i am feeling, and i try to chuck it out. try, have tried, am trying. not succeeding? but rah, it's frustrating. i'm not masochistic, i don't like to experience pain. it's only natural for me to want to protect myself. but is that right?

funny, i don't hear any one else asking themselves "is that right?" before they decide to do or say things. if everyone did that, people would cause each other a lot less hurt. i'm aware that my words and actions have certain repercussions, and i try to minimize that. God wouldn't want me to be going around ignorantly hurting others with careless words or deeds, and i wouldn't want to either. don't want to. God said in Galatians 5 to love my neighbour. love my neighbour before i can love God. i think that's the order - if i can't even love my neighbour who's right in front of me, how can i claim to love God who i can't even see? well, true, it's a lot easier to dislike people who we can see, too. but it's also a whole lot easier to love the other people we see.

i can't decide what to do, in all honesty. i'm not sure i'm willing to put myself in such a postion again when i'm on the brink of blissful freedom and i'm just about to fling myself out of the door and run far far away to a nicer elsewhere. i don't want things holding me down, those chain balls that drag me down and keep me from taking flight. i want to live, and i do or don't do certain things so i can really live. not exist, live. i don't want to exist in misery anymore. so all those things that cause me misery must go. i don't want to exist in unwantedness, either. so all those things that cause me to feel unwanted must go, too. all these negative feelings in me, i don't need them anymore. they must all go. i'm this close to running from them. do i want to sit down for a minute to think and risk not being able to shake off those shackles? i'm not sure i want to.

i'm not sure i'm so unselfish either. i'm not sure i'm able to, either.

i'm so aware of what i think and feel, and yet unable to really say anything cos i'm trying so hard to bury everything in my subconscious, banish them to the realms of my subconscious. it makes it all the harder, knowing what i know and feeling none the better for whatever i'm doing, and yet having to bear the brunt of judgement too on top of the horrid feeling i'm already feeling.

the stakes are much higher this time round. i cannot afford to slip up again.

my prayer for the 7th of July 2007 (07.07.07!):


Father God, that you will show me what you want me to do.
that you will lend me some of your infinite patience, oh, just a little.
Father, i want to know that you are all i need, that you are more than enough for me.
i want to know this with my heart.
let me not feel bitter whenever feelings of being unwanted, unloved or rejected prick me,
because you want me, you love me, and you want to embrace me.
and there is no need for bitterness.

Father God, i ask that you send down your Spirit upon me,
that you send down your sweet Spirit of gentleness onto me.
let your Spirit fill my heart with your love, God.
love for everyone around me, whether they deserve it or not.
Spirit, please teach me how to be wise,
how to be patient,
how to be loving,
how to be forgiving.
i want to do what's right in your eyes, Lord,
and not what my willful heart desires for itself.

you see the depths of my heart, God,
you see the things that i've hidden so well or buried so deep.
and through the ugliness, through the mess,
you still love me,
and i thank you, Lord, for loving me undeservedly.

whisper to me your guiding words, Lord.
root out all that will lead me away from you,
and instead, replace them with what will lead me to you.
let me not live in my selfish ways anymore,
but live in me everyday of my life.

Amen.

okay. sleeping on the pull-out bed in MY ROOM everynight for the last say, 4, 5 nights - is not funny at all.
not funny AT ALL.
having to creep around in my room for fear of waking my mother up - isn't really very funny either.
having to apologise when i sneeze or cough in my room - is totally unfunny.

i can't sleep like this anymore. either my nose will lose it completely, or i will. the dust on the bed that i'm forced to sleep in is present in huge quantities.
so huge, that my sinus problem just kicks in and runs away.
if the air-con man doesn't repair the air-con in my mother's room soon, i am going to find someone who can because i cannot live with my mother taking over my room for much longer without not saying anything remotely unpleasant to her. for 5 days, i've been gritting my teeth and saying "sure mom, you can sleep in my room tonight again" (even though she didn't really need to ask, she just plops herself on my bed anyway) with a painfully forced little smile on my face.

i wake up today with severe dust allergy symptoms kicking in and i want to cry out of frustration. tonight, tomorrow night. rah. i bet the air-con won't be repaired on Friday still, and i have to endure ANOTHER bloody week. i think i will come downstairs to sleep on the sofa or something. i need my personal space back.

my days have been surprisingly busy, surprisingly! aites, bad english here. oh well. my language is deteriorating terribly, given that we hardly have to write many essays in uni, anyway.

feeling loads better now! cramps have almost deserted me (many hoorays and whoops of joy for that!), got my allowance for the month, and things at home are somewhat at an equilibrium for now too.

i take back what i said the previous post, though. i haven't lost respect for her. on the contrary, i still do respect her. i still do love her, very much.

i respect her because she loves him. even though it's so hard to find reasons to keep on, she does it anyway. even though to her, he deserves none of her love, she does it anyway. and that is why i respect her, because i know how it feels - and it sure as hell doesn't feel good. that is why she keeps emphasizing the importance of eventually being with someone who loves you, who you know for sure loves you. i never understood why she kept harping on it, but now i think i can sort of understand. it's so you don't get hurt most of the time, it's so you're not on the losing end, it's so you don't end up feeling so despairingly frustrated at your own stupidity.

the hardest lessons that people have to learn is to love unconditionally. is to love like how God loves. everytime someone tells me about how difficult it is to love unconditionally, the extent of unconditional - it always hits me hard and i feel for them immediately. everytime someone crys because they still love in spite of a myriad of reasons telling them not to, i feel too cos i know how it feels. it's frustrating, it's so hard to understand, to accept, and ultimately, you just want to stop loving cos you want to stop the hurt. stop caring, then stop hurting. so many people around me right now who're learning what it's like to love unconditionally, like how God loves, and nothing i can do except to tell them that i know how it feels. exactly how it feels. God prolly taught me then so i'll be able to relate now.

and what also struck me was that it seems as though girls learn unconditional love a lot quicker than guys do. i'm not saying guys are incapable of it, but it seems as though girls have a greater propensity to stumble upon it in the course of their loving someone. living examples around me, living example in me.

it's such a hard, painful lesson to learn, and oftentime you just want it all to stop.

i'm glad i saw it through though, cos i'm where i am now because of everything i've learnt. i'm glad i didn't shut off completely - although i was so close to doing that - or i wouldn't be who i am now, either.

it'd be a pity to let one failed attempt to find mutual unconditional love hinder other attempts. i learnt what i could from it all, the memory still stings badly, but that's all it is after all - a memory. i wouldn't want to lose myself to memories.



i do want to live. very much. i do want to keep living. very much. i'm grateful for having lived, too. i got this in an email recently, and it really struck a chord within me since.

we make them cry, those who care for us.
we cry for those who never care for us.
we care for those who will never cry for us.

i never want the first line to be true for me again. i'm going to live my life trying not to let anyone who cares for me cry for me anymore. too painful, too cruel, too heartless, too ignorant.

i feel disgusting. absolutely disgusting. time of the month, time of suffering.
i didn't ask to be born like that. i didn't ask for my body. i had no choice. i was born like that. cramps will be the death of me before i turn 30. i've been having them every single lousy month since almost 10 years ago now, and it's not getting any better.

i have no respect for her anymore, too.
unreasonability ranks very low in my books. i have very little patience for that.

killmenowplease. sure, there's such a lot of life to see. but i'm so tired of the pain that plagues me, of so many things, that sometimes i just think it doesn't matter if i don't wake up tomorrow. just slip away quietly in my sleep, so my soul can take flight and find its way to God where it belongs, anyway.

as i sit here feeling goosebumps prickle me and my feet feeling oh-too-cold and my hands trembling with the sharp waves of pain, i'm not looking forward to tonight when she comes home and goes on her rants again. nothing i say makes a difference, she's beyond reasoning and it's taking all my self-control to stop myself from saying a lot of cutting things. today, as i tried to close my eyes and sleep the cramps away, she didn't - couldn't - leave me in peace. even though i was obviously in some sort of pain, she couldn't leave me alone. fling the door wide open, scream scream scream, demand me to do stupid things. when i say something, i'm rude. when i keep quiet cos i can't say anything, it's too painful to open my mouth, i'm rude also. never satisfied, that's what she is.

let her think whatever she wants already. i'm too drained from this afternoon to explain anything. i hate being me, i hate having my body. i didn't choose to be like this, can't you see? if i could, there're so many things i'd choose to leave out from me and my body. RAH. frustrated and so tired.

i'm glad i decided i felt okay enough to join my community for the fantabulous outing tonight! enjoyed myself with everyone tremendously! kudos to Alison & Aloy for planning everything and making sure we were all having fun and eating well and all! :)

had steamboat dinner at Marina South. omg, i really stuffed myself i think. ate a lot a lot tonight. and i think i just shortened my lifespan by 10 years. i ate A LOT of carsenogenic (i have like, NO idea how to spell this word, i'm sorry) food that was charred on the grill. i was too lazy to pick the black bits off and too hungry to wait, so i just ate.

before dinner though, was Mass at the Cathedral! attending Mass there was a mixed experience for me, though. on one hand, it was like so stuffy, and slightly uncomfortable cos the seats had rigid backings and the kneelers were solid wood. but on the other, i really loved the atmosphere of the entire place. it was so quaint. i loved the candles burning in their candle sticks by the altar - they looked like they belong in a castle or something. like those in the Beast's castle in Beauty & the Beast! and the pipe organ's pipes. omg, that was so cool. there were pipes all around the church. i imagine the people who attended Mass there even before THX sound system was invented already had access to surround sound every Mass when the organ was played. it was reminiscent of the Phantom of the Opera, i felt. the entire feel of the church.

so anyway. after dinner, some of us made our way down to AMK hub to catch a late night movie! Transformers! we caught the 2am show cos the 12.50 show was sold out by the time we got there. it was the coolest show i've watched in a long long time, i must say! although it wasn't on my to-watch list of shows initially, watching it changed my mind completely. i'm glad Carol and i decided to stay till 2 to catch it! it was good. you'd think that amid all the action and fighting, there'd be no tear-inducing moments, eh? wrong!! i was this close to crying a couple of times in the movie (although i must admit it were pretty silly reasons to feel like crying haha). it is NOT just a guy's show to watch. although all the machines and transformers may seem more masculine than anything else. i throughly loved the show. it was oh, so cool. no other word to describe it. shan't spoil it for those who haven't catched it by blabbing on about it! oh, and the girl was hot. the captain was hot. hot people make me feel more friendly towards the show overall. like how Jessica Alba is practically 90% of the reason why i faithfully made Fantastic 4 a show on my to-watch list every year for both the movies so far.

so yes, that would explain why i'm still blogging and this time of the night. 5.45am. actually, i'm waiting for my hair to dry out more before i sleep. the smoke from the steamboat dinner permeated my clothes, my hair, my entire being, so i HAD to wash everything out.

Wil keeps prompting me to rethink my decision to leave the core again, since the retreat and since i so stupidly-bravely claimed the gift of leadership for God and from God during the retreat, too. i'm kinda reluctant to think again, cos i thought that decision-making process was behind me and i could lay it to rest, finally. it wasn't an easy decision to make, cos i knew so very well why i was so adamant on leaving but i had so much trouble articulating it to the rest of the core in a way i felt comfortable sharing. in the end, it just ended up with me seeming childish, petulant, and ridiculously stubborn and even selfish. but i just left it at that because i couldn't find it in me to explain, and i also thought and think that it wouldn't matter what i said anyway - they wouldn't and won't understand.

it's not running away, is it? by not explaining myself, it's not being a coward, right? i'm just doing something i think will save everyone a lot of time and energy. rah. i really hate it when my effort to try to make things simpler for everyone is eventually misconstrued as childishness or selfishness, and results in people being annoyed with me for reasons beyond my comprehension - when really, what i really meant to do was to cut the annoyance out. even at the expense of myself and what i feel.

i think i should start being kinder to myself and allow myself to step in when my good intentions are taken and completely twisted and contorted into something beyond recognition.

i'm so reluctant to re-visit that thought, even toying with that thought scares me somewhat. i don't want to think about staying on in the core, i don't want to think about it. the year to come may be more than what i can handle and i may snap. as it is, i think i've been doing well the last few weeks. when things have settled down a fair bit and i'm less riled up and disliked. oh okay, who am i kidding. i know i can deal with the coming year if i put my mind to it. God has already said he'll help me, if i so decide to stay on. has already said he'll give me strength and wisdom to deal with certain situations, said he'll be with me every step of the way. but do i want to? do i want to subject myself to being the subject of immense dislike and annoyance for no other reason save that i am me? right, it looks ridiculous even as i type it down. how can i be disliked just by being me, right? trust me, been there done that, and it is as ridiculous as it sounds.

it is not right to hate someone just for who she or he is. it is just not right. sure, you can justify that feeling with a lot of "oh, she's so annoying and she says stupid things and does irritating things", but when push comes to shove, that's just not reason enough. i've never not liked anyone just he or she is exactly just he or she is, because i cannot find enough reasons to sustain the dislike. i always find something to like in the end. always always. so when i hear about people not liking someone simply cos she's herself, or when i hear someone doesn't like me simply because i'm me, i get so worked up. because it makes no sense to me at all. i believe it's ultimately a choice we all make to like or dislike a person.

ah well. i am starting to get irritated just thinking about it. shall stop here and read a bit before sleeping.


there's a song that's inside of my soul
it's the one that i've tried to write over, & over again.
i'm awake in the infinite cold
but you sing to me over, & over again.
so i lay my head back down
& i lift my hands and pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours
i know now,
you're my only hope.

sing to me the song of the stars.
of a galaxy dancing, and laughing, and laughing again.
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again
so i lay my head back down
& i lift my hands and pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours
i know now,
you're my only hope.

i give you my destiny.
i'm giving you all of me.
i want your symphony,
singing in all that i am.
at the top of my lungs
i'm giving it back.

so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands, and pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours, i pray
to be only yours,
i know now
you're my only hope.
*only hope/mandy moore.


i just realised this is a song from me to God.
sing to me of the plans that you have for me, over again.

i want to entrust all my plans to God, i want him to sing to me of the plans he has for me over again, i just want to feel safe in the knowledge that God has good plans in store for me even if it seems hard now, i just want to feel loved knowing that God likes me for who i am, likes - and so much more - even as people don't, i just want God to sing to me because i know he's there in music.