my days have been surprisingly busy, surprisingly! aites, bad english here. oh well. my language is deteriorating terribly, given that we hardly have to write many essays in uni, anyway.

feeling loads better now! cramps have almost deserted me (many hoorays and whoops of joy for that!), got my allowance for the month, and things at home are somewhat at an equilibrium for now too.

i take back what i said the previous post, though. i haven't lost respect for her. on the contrary, i still do respect her. i still do love her, very much.

i respect her because she loves him. even though it's so hard to find reasons to keep on, she does it anyway. even though to her, he deserves none of her love, she does it anyway. and that is why i respect her, because i know how it feels - and it sure as hell doesn't feel good. that is why she keeps emphasizing the importance of eventually being with someone who loves you, who you know for sure loves you. i never understood why she kept harping on it, but now i think i can sort of understand. it's so you don't get hurt most of the time, it's so you're not on the losing end, it's so you don't end up feeling so despairingly frustrated at your own stupidity.

the hardest lessons that people have to learn is to love unconditionally. is to love like how God loves. everytime someone tells me about how difficult it is to love unconditionally, the extent of unconditional - it always hits me hard and i feel for them immediately. everytime someone crys because they still love in spite of a myriad of reasons telling them not to, i feel too cos i know how it feels. it's frustrating, it's so hard to understand, to accept, and ultimately, you just want to stop loving cos you want to stop the hurt. stop caring, then stop hurting. so many people around me right now who're learning what it's like to love unconditionally, like how God loves, and nothing i can do except to tell them that i know how it feels. exactly how it feels. God prolly taught me then so i'll be able to relate now.

and what also struck me was that it seems as though girls learn unconditional love a lot quicker than guys do. i'm not saying guys are incapable of it, but it seems as though girls have a greater propensity to stumble upon it in the course of their loving someone. living examples around me, living example in me.

it's such a hard, painful lesson to learn, and oftentime you just want it all to stop.

i'm glad i saw it through though, cos i'm where i am now because of everything i've learnt. i'm glad i didn't shut off completely - although i was so close to doing that - or i wouldn't be who i am now, either.

it'd be a pity to let one failed attempt to find mutual unconditional love hinder other attempts. i learnt what i could from it all, the memory still stings badly, but that's all it is after all - a memory. i wouldn't want to lose myself to memories.



i do want to live. very much. i do want to keep living. very much. i'm grateful for having lived, too. i got this in an email recently, and it really struck a chord within me since.

we make them cry, those who care for us.
we cry for those who never care for us.
we care for those who will never cry for us.

i never want the first line to be true for me again. i'm going to live my life trying not to let anyone who cares for me cry for me anymore. too painful, too cruel, too heartless, too ignorant.