the past 2 days have seen me waking up at record early mornings! i was up at 7am this morning for 8.30am mass, and 10am yesterday morning to make it down for worship at 1.15pm.

that'd be good, all this early morning waking-up - if i slept earlier too. but i haven't. i haven't been able to. i haven't been sleeping well the last few days, having to stay up till 5am to exhaust myself to sleep so i don't think and think my brains out as i drift away to sleep.

my thoughts crowd my head at night just before i fall asleep and make it very noisy in there. it makes it hard to sleep even after i've quietened myself down somewhat. hence, the need to tire myself out to the point that i don't think, i just sleep.

conversation with God these days are somewhat dominated by 2 main things. i think God must be getting bored of me - who doesn't get bored with someone who keeps nattering on about something over and over, even when there's nothing new to say? ah well.

it came to me last night that i'm immeasurably peturbed and i don't like this feeling. i don't like feeling what i am feeling, and i try to chuck it out. try, have tried, am trying. not succeeding? but rah, it's frustrating. i'm not masochistic, i don't like to experience pain. it's only natural for me to want to protect myself. but is that right?

funny, i don't hear any one else asking themselves "is that right?" before they decide to do or say things. if everyone did that, people would cause each other a lot less hurt. i'm aware that my words and actions have certain repercussions, and i try to minimize that. God wouldn't want me to be going around ignorantly hurting others with careless words or deeds, and i wouldn't want to either. don't want to. God said in Galatians 5 to love my neighbour. love my neighbour before i can love God. i think that's the order - if i can't even love my neighbour who's right in front of me, how can i claim to love God who i can't even see? well, true, it's a lot easier to dislike people who we can see, too. but it's also a whole lot easier to love the other people we see.

i can't decide what to do, in all honesty. i'm not sure i'm willing to put myself in such a postion again when i'm on the brink of blissful freedom and i'm just about to fling myself out of the door and run far far away to a nicer elsewhere. i don't want things holding me down, those chain balls that drag me down and keep me from taking flight. i want to live, and i do or don't do certain things so i can really live. not exist, live. i don't want to exist in misery anymore. so all those things that cause me misery must go. i don't want to exist in unwantedness, either. so all those things that cause me to feel unwanted must go, too. all these negative feelings in me, i don't need them anymore. they must all go. i'm this close to running from them. do i want to sit down for a minute to think and risk not being able to shake off those shackles? i'm not sure i want to.

i'm not sure i'm so unselfish either. i'm not sure i'm able to, either.

i'm so aware of what i think and feel, and yet unable to really say anything cos i'm trying so hard to bury everything in my subconscious, banish them to the realms of my subconscious. it makes it all the harder, knowing what i know and feeling none the better for whatever i'm doing, and yet having to bear the brunt of judgement too on top of the horrid feeling i'm already feeling.

the stakes are much higher this time round. i cannot afford to slip up again.