wtf.

frankly, i am appalled at how inefficient the sep office can be and am just praying their inefficiency and ineptitude has not cost me a place - again. having opened my nus email this morning doing my routine clearing of junk mail, i received something from the sep office telling me to submit a letter stating whether or not i intend to pursure honours and blah. i was like, oh okay good, finally - some news from them. then i scrolled down and saw the date the letter is due: 15 March. that was 15 days ago, hello. and i get mailed today? it's almost ludicrous how this is all panning out.

argh!

okay i should sound less stressed in my posts aye. lest i am thought of as perpetually worried over something or the other. i guess this is the result of me only blogging when i'm frustrated over work - the rest of the time when i'm happy, i don't feel the urge to blog and i'm too busy enjoying myself. heh.

i must confess though that i am mildly stressed out now as i type this in. i have so many essays to do and projects to edit that i'm not even scared anymore. it's just kinda overwhelming, the kind of overwhelming that leaves me speechless and just fills me with pure emotion and adrenaline. allow me to indulge myself with just this one paragraph of work-related rambling, and i promise i'll stop before the end of this paragraph. after staying up till 4am this morning to complete my podcast assignment so that i could hand it in today since i had the car, i am about to embark on another project-editing session that could last anywhere between 1 and 4 hours. on top of that, my film essay is constantly lurking at the back of my mind and i'm unable to do anything without thinking about essay plans or project flows. this is taking into consideration the fact that my school-obsessed brain is preoccupied 50% of the time with how badly i've fared in the psycho lit midterm test and the other 50% of the time with how stupid i've been for missing those tutorials here and there out of laziness brought about by a little bout of illness, and hence worrying about my attendance grade. and i have not forgotten the film presentation on tuesday of next week, the same day as the deadline for my film essay, - the former of which ranks very poorly on my importance list but nonetheless remains on it by sheer virtue of its existence. and my ridge articles. are. well. i am swamped. i shall not even mention sep here cos it seems i am unable to stop moaning about my hate-hate relationship with the sep office. so i have finished this work-related rant, and as i've promised, even before the paragraph has ended.

so what did i do today. i battled the weekend jam on the expressway on my way to school. er, school on a sunday? don't get me started. but i did borrow a couple of books i need and handed in a piece of work.

i also had tuition, where i came back from not long ago.

and i think it's gonna be the time of the month cos i can feel my stupid cramps acting up and i'm dreading this month's onslaught cos i have so much to do and i can't afford to be knocked out for a day.

i love 50 cent books from the co-op, they make my day. which is actually quite sad if you think about it, cos if buying books from school are the highlight of my day, it just brings us all to the very sad implication that i have no life other than school.

oh my gosh you have no idea how badly i need the upcoming break. 7 more weeks to that happy day, 7 weeks that seem to drag so painfully by. as the school term draws to a close, my feet seem heavier and heavier and ever more difficult to drag to school. on one hand, i feel that my cutting classes is absolutely justified by my shitload of work to clear, but on the other, i am terrified of penalising myself on the attendance grade. yes, such a coward i know.

in spite of all these, i find myself increasingly drawn to my games as if they were the most enthralling things on earth - and i know it's only so appealing cos i am not supposed to be finding relief from all the stress in my games. entertaining oneself seems almost to be a sin in my world, where time is so precious and productivity is a must for every single bloody minute of my waking day. i find myself sacrificing more and more hours of sleep each day to get more and more work done. and oh shite i promised not to talk about how stressed i am but my fingers and brain seem to have a life of their own and well, this is what i find my fingers churning out off the top of my head.

i've also decided that i don't like kids, especially bratty noisy ones. whoever said Singapore is facing a population problem should see what i saw today everywhere i went. i swear, it seems that we have more than enough kids to fill up an entire shopping centre. if i ever have kids, which seems to be an increasingly remote possibility now that i have decidedly established that i don't like kids, and they turn out to be of the irritating noisy bratty variety, i will not tolerate their nonsense and i foresee i will be an irritable mother. that kids don't like.

argh my back hurts.

stressed

i refuse to read Henry James' The Turn of the Screw now when noone's home. apparently it's a ghost story and after reading the synopsis on wikipedia, i think it's too scary for me to read when noone's at home to keep me company. i have manymany things to do, all suddenly due soon within the next 3 to 4 weeks. so dejavu-ish, eh. i remember this time last sem i was similarly stressed and well, stressed.

i'm penning down all my deadlines and whatnots now into my organizer and i can feel my blood pressure rising. sigh. and to top it off, i think i did pretty badly for my psycho lit midterm assignment. i need to ace my final paper which is gonna make up 45% of my grade. i think i need to talk to my prof about my not-very-fantastic midterm and find out where i went wrong.

all the projects are killing me. i'm completely clueless about my stats project but i'm desperately trying to keep my group tight - thankfully i have someone else in my group who's quite good at that too. media writing is nuts, i have had 3 assignments throughout the term already, and then there's this wretched project due on week 13, too. i just hope i managed a B+ for my film midterm then i won't be so pressurised to score an A+ or something for my final assignment, whose deadline happens to fall on the same day as my film presentation.

and i've given up hope on my sep application for this round already. still no news, and it's been almost 3 weeks. they seem to hate me over there at the sep office. i wonder what i need to do to get my place. maybe my cap is just too shitty but at the same time i'm inclined to think otherwise cos i know a gazillion people who're going with similar or lower caps.

heh maybe i should take their advice then and try to brush up my cap before trying again.

my stomach has been feeling weird the last two days or so and i think it's partially due to my incessant eating and suppering. i should stop all this excessive eating cos i'm not exercising at all and therefore am at high risk of piling on the fat permanently.

and my hair. it's driving me crazy. i just cut it last week but already it seems too long. since WHEN did my hair grow at the rate of wild grass? it's always been slow, so i don't know when my hair began to shake off its sluggish growth.

all these have contributed to my antsy and touchy self lately - and i apologise if i've stepped on your toes while in this kind of batty mood. i've been downright unpleasant and unreasonable at times too, and i think these reasons, though perfectly valid, don't validate my actions at all. i'm turning into a cow. i can't believe i still have another 2 and a half to 3 years left in school. more sems like that and i'll die prematurely.

like a rose, trampled on the ground.

Easter Vigil mass today was fabulous. i felt so happy during the mass even though it was supremely long with 10 readings. i felt like there was much to be happy and grateful for, even though i mayn't be happy all the time.

i came back, came online, checked my email, and my mood just detriorated. my article got sent back with some frustrating comments that i dunno what to make of, and i am going to rewrite that article. though i suspect by the time i actually get something out that satisfies everyone it'll be useless. and i'll be doubly frustrated. but we'll see. i'm going to try to sleep on it tonight and see what hatches in my brain and write tomorrow.

maybe i'm not cut out for news writing with all its censorship and properness. i've been struggling more than i'm comfortable with.

no news of my sep application, and it seems that i've been rejected - again. i can't fathom why, and i'm frustrated cos if i really do get rejected, that'll be twice already.

i've been frustrated with so many things lately. but i guess this newly-past Lent has reminded me that my frustrations and grievances are crosses to carry, albeit a million trillion times less heavy than Jesus's cross. it puts things into perspective when i think about my petty upsets in this light - although this enlightened state doesn't occur to me quite as often as i'd like it to.

crucified,

laid behind a stone.

You lived to die,

rejected and alone.

like a rose, trampled on the ground.

You took the fall.

and thought of me

above all.

nothing to do with you.

i've decided that i want to have absolutely nothing to do with her.
not because i'm mean and crabby and a downright horrible person, but because i want to stay sane, as i have for the last 8 months.

the final goodbye

the future that always seemed so bright and promising doesn't seem so cheery anymore. it bodes heartache, and i don't know how to thwart it. with the whole world out there, my oyster to explore, i should feel heady with anticipation thinking about all there is to do and see. but when paths diverge so clearly and take me away from you who wants to stay here, how am i supposed to feel joy at picking at what the world has to offer? i want to compromise my dreams for you, only because you mean so much to me and i don't know if i would want to fulfull those faraway dreams if it meant living without you - but at the same time i don't want to compromise those same dratted dreams cos i know i'd regret not even trying to pursue them in life and giving them up, just like that. how do you stop an oncoming train that's going to hit you and break you up to bits? i can run and run, away from that train, but eventually it's gonna catch up with me, like the relentless passage time is. i can't escape from the passing of time. being in this world with its weird laws, i'm subject to it and can't escape. it makes me feel somewhat like a marionette stuck on my strings, able to move and take a life of my own, but still always bound up with that string that keeps me in place. seeing an oncoming train and knowing it's gonna hit you sooner rather than later doesn't make the knowledge of the pain any easier to swallow. why did i have to fall in love with you? -you, with all these aspirations that keep you rooted here so inextricably. i know, i shouldn't fear the future, but 3 years doesn't seem like that short a time anymore from where i am, and the future is starting to take on a reality that i cannot pretend away anymore. fact of the matter is: i don't want to stay here. i want to see the wide world, as cliched as that sounds. perhaps like heros in those old classics, i'll realise that home is still the best place only when i'm far away from home - but i want to live that for myself. what i write about is most true when i feel it, so i must feel if i want to write. and i know that if i want to have lived as i should, i have to write. it's the only tangible talent God has given me, and you tend to treasure what little you have. i'm not like those multihyphenates, with oodles and oodles of talent at singing, playing the guitar, acting, dancing etc. all i perceive i have is just that - and i don't know if it's out of vanity or pride that drives me to want to make full use of it. so maybe i'm full of hot air, maybe i'll never do all the things i want to do, maybe i'm giving myself grief for nothing.

knowing that the goodbye is so final breaks my heart and i cannot help but cry, because i don't know what to do to make it any different. i don't want that to come, that final goodbye. and yet i wonder if it's a matter of time before it catches up on me and ravages me, us, both.

i am student, hear me roar!

i am finally a happy bunny because my en3214 presentation is OVER! i can finally put Lacan aside (who's worse than Freud by the way.) and start on my backlog of readings. whoopdeedoo! but it's something to look forward to i guess. heh. yay yay yay. i am student hear me roar.

Big Girls Don't Cry

it isn't like me to busy myself just to occupy my time. i don't believe in making myself do lots of things to forget and to not think - although it's so tempting sometimes to do exactly that. just scurry around and do everything i can possibly do in 24 hours so that by the time my head hits the pillow, i'll be too tired to think about anything.

the transpiration of certain events have left a more unpleasant taste in my mouth than i'd imagined. you know, you think that things that exist outside your reality shouldn't have any power over you anymore. because well, they're no longer real. you think that the transpiration of certain events shouldn't affect you the way they do. but they do, anyway, whatever you think. whatever i think.

i've caught myself staring into space thinking about nothing in particular, and yet everything at the same time, lately. i've caught myself teteering on the precipice of misery and jealousy, only managing to catch myself on time before i let those gnawing thoughts swallow me whole.

i wish things were simpler, cliched as that may sound. okay, so things seem simple. but not to me, they aren't. it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't bug me, and yet it does, and because it does, it bugs me even more. and yet, i'm fine, really, but at the same time, i'm not. a trifle confusing, perhaps.

maybe i'm selfish. because i can't, therefore. i can be happy, but. maybe i just have to let go. i tell myself i've let go, a large part of my heart has let go, so maybe it's time my heart completely severed itself for good, and just let everything fall into the abyss, broken and shattered. for that to happen, i'd have to take drastic measures. and i think i'm beginning to feel brave enough to take the first steps towards that, painful as it may be. i'm a big girl now, & i feel somewhat ready to move, & live.

the smell of your skin lingers on me, now.

you're probably on your flight back to your home town.

i need some shelter for my own protection,

to be with myself, & centre -

clarity, peace, serenity.

i hope you know, i hope you know

that this has nothing to do with you.

it's personal, myself & i -

we got some straightening out to do.

& i'm gonna miss you, like a child that misses her blanket,

but i've got to get a move on with my life.

it's time to be a big girl now,

& big girls don't cry.

the path i'm walking,

i must go alone.

i must take the baby steps until i'm full grown.

fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

& i foresee the dark ahead if i stay.

like the little schoolmates in the schoolyard,

we'll play jacks & Uno cards.

i'll be your best friend,

& you'll be my valentine.

yes, you can hold my hand if you want to

cos i want to hold yours, too.

we'll be playmates & lovers,

& share our secret worlds.

but it's time for me to go home.

it's getting late, dark outside.

i need to be with myself, & centre -

clarity, peace, serenity.

i hope you know, i hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you.
it's personal, myself & i -
we got some straightening out to do.
& i'm gonna miss you, like a child that misses her blanket,
but i've got to get a move on with my life.
it's time to be a big girl now,
& big girls don't cry.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Fergie

i was looking through my saved messages in my phone just now when i came across this old folder i've brought everywhere with me - through phone changes and all. i'd forgotten all abt that folder and the messages in it, but the moment i saw it, i knew exactly what was in there. i knew what messages i'd saved, whose messages i'd saved, why i'd saved them.

i tried to delete the folder. my thumb hovered over the delete option and i felt i was frozen in time as the words of the messages ran through my head and i could see them so clearly even though it's been so long. i wanted to just delete it, erase the remnants of physical evidence from then. but i couldn't. as much as i want to reformat my own head, erase the words exchanged and block out the sound of your voice, i can't bring myself to forget so completely. as it is, i've banished all of you to non-existence in my own reality. but there's still some ghost of you that i can't exorcise, that i seem to not want to exorcise.

it's too painful sometimes to realise that you're the only one who can bear witness to the reality of something. once you forget, the something becomes unreal. loses its reality. and becomes... nothing. even though i hate all that happened, i don't want it all to become nothing, to cease to have existed in the spectrum of time as i know it.

maybe i'm selfish. i want my reality now to stay reality, and i want my reality then to remain a reality then, even as i want to banish you to non-existence - sometimes out of sheer spite, sometimes to prove to myself that i'm really over it, sometimes just to cope and not lose it in my own universe of past, present & future.

so hit the delete button. erase the folder. erase the messages that don't mean anything anymore. empty words. erase the emails i still type to no one for hours on end, directing them to you but not meaning in the least to tell anything to you.

i dreamt of you again one afternoon. you made me cry. & i thought i had no more tears for you. in my waking hours, i know i don't. i know what i feel and what you don't mean to me. but in the fuzzy twilight thereshold that ushers me from my waking awareness to the consciousness of my sleep, everything goes haywire again and all the tears and memories you don't hold the key to in my waking life anymore, they're yours once more.