truth which is true for me

i am always in search of a truth which is true for me, and the idea for which i can live and die.

i have a research test in about 3.5 hours, and here i am, sitting here, spouting philosophical lines. i amaze myself sometimes - so whimsical, so happily deluded.

empty barrels

the weeks ahead promise to be tough ones, and i am not looking forward to it. to my consternation i found myself in the compromising position of having TRIPLE deadlines on the same day - each of them extremely important being 100% CA. that would be far off in the horizon of week 13, but it looms over me like a huge gloomy rain cloud; i know i cannot escape the thunderous downpour when it starts, whichever direction i run. today, i have downed two panadols in my bid to stave the monthly torture of cramps away so i can concentrate on my essay due tomorrow. i slept badly last night, cos my tummy was aching the whole night. as was my heart, but i am determined to put that aside for now so i can concentrate. and focus.

in a fit of wanting to please myself, i ordered a dress from a blogshop last night. and i hope it's gonna be worth my money. i have been forced to stay away from the shops ever since September begun, having been swamped every single weekend by some deadline to meet or the other.

i am wasting my ability to sit up and type properly on all this random musing. i should really be typing furiously away at my essay.

why does it never seem to be enough? i need more time in my day, i find myself busy from the moment i get up to the time i crawl into bed. i am perhaps not different from the average Joe, having to struggle for what i want - and not always getting it, either. i am making erroneous judgements increasingly frequently these days, and my fuse has been far too short. i have been focussing on the wrong things, have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. in short, i have been pathetic, and you know how i detest weakness and failure. i have always found it hard to believe in the maxim "it's better to have tried and failed then to never have tried." i'm the sort of person who tries something only if i'm certain enough of success. so when i fail, it's a sucker punch cos i always take calculated risks. it seems like my calculations these days have been terribly inaccurate, cos i seem to be succeeding at nothing. i wrack my brains to figure out what could have gone wrong, what i could have done better, and i am pathetically unable to come up with anything satisfactory. this is perhaps an indication of how i'm not the queen of my life, of how the control i try to exert is ultimately futile. a reminder of how there is something greater in life, someone far greater than my mortal self could ever fathom - that watches over me as i try, fail, and try again, each time increasingly disillusioned and disheartened. the barrel is almost empty, it needs to be refilled with wine this time.

every night she cries herself to sleep

thinking why does this happen to me

why does every moment have to be so hard?

i do believe that it's not over tonight

just give me one more chance to make it right

i may not make it through the night,

i won't go home without you.

writer's block

this seems to be an almost semestral complaint, but i am having a massive case of writer's block at the moment. MASSIVE. i have typed half a sentence in the last hour, and it's not even a nice half-sentence. i'm about to backspace on my keyboard even as i type this, and then my entire document would be blank again.

i am massively stressed out.

i'm not Chuck Bass without you.

the only way to define something without compromising on its authenticity is to define it with something that doesn't derive its value from something else. something that's absolute in itself.

but what is absolute, really? nothing seems to me to be absolute in itself, except God.

and while i think about that, i am also mulling over the limits of human understanding and perception.

not because i am a profound person, but because i have to write two essays.

and i watched the new season of gossip girl this morning. and really liked what Chuck said to Blair, when Blair worries about their relationship getting boring.

Chuck: We could never be boring.

Blair: You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass.

Chuck: I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

one of those awwwww tv moments that lingered on in my head long after the scene had disappeared from my screen.

this game design module i'm taking is really influencing me to wanna play more games. i just spent the last 2 hours playing random online games just for the heck of it. the last game i played was this flower bouquet making game.

sigh.

i'm acting as if i'm on holiday. and, i'm staying off WoW like the plague. it's like Pringles: once you start, you can't stop. so i'm not starting.

tonnes and tonnes of work to do, so many presentations to do, hence i have no time to be nervous about any of them. i reckon i'll sweat bullets like 2 hours before the actual presentation but right now, i'm just like. whatever. deal with it.

okay i am quite tired i think.