yay!

so now that i have stopped working, i have been catching up on sleep. alright, boring, i know. but it's only been two days since i stopped working on Monday, so excuse me for catching a rest. my social life has been a bit blah for a long time, everyone's so far away. partly my fault too, cos i mean to catch up with so many people but my need for sleep keeps me away from the computer and the phone, and glues me to my bed. today's the first night i'm actually planning to spend some time on the computer, the first time in like, almost a week. thinking of watching some episodes of house online, then maybe playing some wow or sims.

okay. inane post again. sorry. i am so thoroughly uninspired these days, i dunno why. oh, but i'm reading this book - The Other Boleyn Girl - now, and i don't know why but for some reason, Anne Boleyn really scares me with her sheer ambition. the movie isn't as good as the book, really. most movie adaptations aren't, even when taken solely as movies in their own right and not looked upon as a Movie-Adaptation.

i want to play games on my ps2 again, but i'm too lazy to walk downstairs to play anything. and. the GSS is on now, and everything's on sale. BUT. the crowds just gross me out and piss me off. ugh. dilemma. and even more pressingly: no money. i always never have enough money, always want more things. it's starting to become a little ridiculous.

oh-so-tired.

i am very very tired. it just hit me today how exhausted i am. my batteries are running on low cos of all the working hours i put in. and the hours i keep. and all the stuff i do. i need to sleep more, eat more, rest more, play more. i am giving myself one more week to keep up this pace of living. one more week, no more. cos i cannot survive more than that without doing permanent damage to my brains and my well-being.

not enough sleep for the last week, not gonna have enough sleep in the upcoming week, too. howhowhow. sigh. i need to find reserve energy from somewhere to do everything i need to do.

unwritten.

i am starting work for a week tomorrow. considering i am going to be paid $7.50 an hour for the next week for just sitting down and filing, i ought to be grateful for my money-making opportunity. but the thought of doing such mind-numbing, brainless, inane work at the ungodly hour of 9am every day for the next five days is making me more winded than i'd care for. but i need to earn some money, i need to save some money. ergo, i need to work. unfortunately. now we all know that if the above conditions didn't hold true, i wouldn't even think of working this holidays. i'd spend the entire three months in languid sleeping, playing, spending, eating, living. that's just the kind of person i am, partly. then, there's the other part of me - the go-getter part, that wants a career, wants to do things cos that's what life is about, wants to make full use of every single minute i'm alive. it's too late when i'm dead, anyway. too late to do anything. then, it struck me: who says living the easy life isn't living per se? i don't have to pack my schedule from 7am to 10pm every single day to have a full life, do i? on the contrary, i reckon doing that would be counter-productive to my quest in living each day to its fullest. i can breathe in the essence of what life has to offer simply by doing the things i love to do (ie. lazing around, reading, minimal activity), cos that's what life means to me.

okay so even though i dread having to wake up at 7am tomorrow morning and the next five days, i'm gonna make the best of this and try to go to work slightly smiley. and try not to be grouchy while i'm at it.

and. i miss hearing EIC play. i was just listening to Jason Mraz's I'm Yours - a song EIC plays really often - and i felt a twinge of nostalgia somewhere in my heart for when i was less complicated and could head down to Walawala on a Friday night to chill out to the music.

i am unwritten,

can't read my mind,

i'm undefined.

i'm just beginning,

the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.

staring at the blank page before you

open up the dirty window,

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.

reaching for something in the distance

so close you can almost taste it

release your inhibitions.

feel the rain on your skin,

no one else can feel it for you.

only you can let it in.

no one else can speak the words on your lips,

drench yourself in words unspoken.

live your life with arms wide open

today is where your book begins,

the rest is still unwritten.

i break tradition,

sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

we've been conditioned to not make mistakes,

but i can't live that way.

Unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

i've missed bumming around and vegetating, i've missed sleeping in and not having to worry about anything. all the above represented by my comfy home. ergo, i miss home. i've spent the last two days doing absolutely nothing other than watch some tv, read my books, throw out junk from my room, and sleep. <3

i need to rearrange my room this break so that i have more space when school begins again in august. more space to accumulate more junk, i forgot to add. the amount of rubbish i manage to collect in a few months.. it's pretty scary.

and. i need a job. my allowance has been severely cut this holidays (self-suggested, believe it or not), and yet i'm having trouble securing that sum of money, still, cos it is believed that giving me money to spend on entertainment during the holidays is an absolute waste of it. hence, i need a job. i might call up the Ralph Lauren contact Chels gave me last night, but i'd better do it soon before the laziness just seeps all the way in and leaves me incapitated and direly rooted to my bed.

i am sleeping 10 hours a day these days, by the way. it's making me feel a lot better, my stressples are clearing up (a stressple is a stress-induced pimple. i made it up, so you'd be forgiven for not knowing), my dark eye circles are disappearing, my puffy eyes are becoming unpuffy again. i'm even beginning to exercise a little to tone up the flab. yay for me.

okay i seem to have no interest in blogging anymore tonight. my bed calls. goodnight.

HOUSE!

i am addicted to House and i have almost watched the entire first season in all of 4 days. i think this could be due to me secretly desperately wanting to see House actually tell Cameron that he has feelings for her after she confesses to him about how she feels for him. not so secret anymore, i suppose, but doesn't change why i'm so addicted to the show. if i went down the psychoanalysis road, i'd say this desire to see House tell Cameron about his feelings has got everything to do with my own past experiences. but of course, i will not go down that slippery path today. i am too eager to finish up the last three episodes of season one. actually, i already kinda know what's gonna happen and who's gonna say what - but i still want to watch it.

i think these exams are getting to me, actually. let's see if i still retain my addiction to House after my last papers on Monday.


and for some strange inexplicable reason or the other, i think Hugh Laurie is hot. must be something wrong with me if i think grouchiness and misery is sexy. maybe it's as simple as this, that every girl just wants to love a damaged, imperfect man.

not interested, go away.

i had a lot of fun today after my exams. Korean bbq, two movies back-to-back, a nap. i enjoyed myself thoroughly, was really happy.


i am now in a tremendously bad mood, though. and i just felt like venting. but upon sitting here in front of my keyboard, i find myself at a loss for words, and i'm stuck with parroting over and over again that i am upset. and miserable. and slightly confused, even though i know very clearly what i intend to do.

i am just not interested. completely unintersted in anything that has got to do with this.
i want to have nothing to do with ---, i know nothing about --- and i'm perfectly happy this way. i apologise for making life difficult, but i don't apologise for feeling this way. sounds familiar? i bet it does. maybe it's cos i think she's everything i'm not, maybe it's cos of so many other things. who cares? bottom line is: not interested.

while it may seem like it's cos she's got everything i have to live without, i think it's not that - at all. i'm glad i'm not living with it now, cos i'm living with something much better now. you're beautiful and i know i'm lucky. i don't regret my choice. not second choice - my choice. i think it's more cos i cannot see what i lack, i cannot understand what's wrong with me, i cannot see why i'm completely unloveable. surely i cannot be that flawed? i wish i didn't feel this way about myself now, cos you're right, it seems like i'm belittling what we have. i'm trying to change the way i see myself, but it increasingly seems that i'm so broken that it's taking a long time to put back the pieces i'm trying to fit back into one whole. at the same time, i'm trying not to put myself at the centre of the universe, trying not to allow myself to get swallowed up by my self-pity and other useless, wasteful emotions.

and i'm getting very frustrated cos i'm cycling through my itunes and it seems like there isn't a song to put what i feel into words. i need catharsis so badly, i need to get it all out, but i'm having so much trouble expressing myself. just look at the badly written paragraph above, i'm writing disjointedly and it's just not flowing. and when i try to explain it to you, it comes out as pure emotion - as just tears - and nothing i say can explain what i feel. which makes me seem and feel totally irrational. which i hate.



whatever it is, i just do not want to have anything to do with this. it may seem irrational, i don't care. but leave me out of all of this, it is irrelevant to my emotional universe now, and i am disinterested in any of this. for good reason - i'm feeling so distraught now, it makes sense to just stick to my emotional range of a teaspoon and not be bothered by irrelevant, senseless things. i have too many things to do, i have too much to live for. so please, stay far far FAR away. i don't want to say hello, i am not interested in making small talk, i just want you to keep away from me. yes, many "you"s in this post, please don't get confused.

goodbye.