not interested, go away.

i had a lot of fun today after my exams. Korean bbq, two movies back-to-back, a nap. i enjoyed myself thoroughly, was really happy.


i am now in a tremendously bad mood, though. and i just felt like venting. but upon sitting here in front of my keyboard, i find myself at a loss for words, and i'm stuck with parroting over and over again that i am upset. and miserable. and slightly confused, even though i know very clearly what i intend to do.

i am just not interested. completely unintersted in anything that has got to do with this.
i want to have nothing to do with ---, i know nothing about --- and i'm perfectly happy this way. i apologise for making life difficult, but i don't apologise for feeling this way. sounds familiar? i bet it does. maybe it's cos i think she's everything i'm not, maybe it's cos of so many other things. who cares? bottom line is: not interested.

while it may seem like it's cos she's got everything i have to live without, i think it's not that - at all. i'm glad i'm not living with it now, cos i'm living with something much better now. you're beautiful and i know i'm lucky. i don't regret my choice. not second choice - my choice. i think it's more cos i cannot see what i lack, i cannot understand what's wrong with me, i cannot see why i'm completely unloveable. surely i cannot be that flawed? i wish i didn't feel this way about myself now, cos you're right, it seems like i'm belittling what we have. i'm trying to change the way i see myself, but it increasingly seems that i'm so broken that it's taking a long time to put back the pieces i'm trying to fit back into one whole. at the same time, i'm trying not to put myself at the centre of the universe, trying not to allow myself to get swallowed up by my self-pity and other useless, wasteful emotions.

and i'm getting very frustrated cos i'm cycling through my itunes and it seems like there isn't a song to put what i feel into words. i need catharsis so badly, i need to get it all out, but i'm having so much trouble expressing myself. just look at the badly written paragraph above, i'm writing disjointedly and it's just not flowing. and when i try to explain it to you, it comes out as pure emotion - as just tears - and nothing i say can explain what i feel. which makes me seem and feel totally irrational. which i hate.



whatever it is, i just do not want to have anything to do with this. it may seem irrational, i don't care. but leave me out of all of this, it is irrelevant to my emotional universe now, and i am disinterested in any of this. for good reason - i'm feeling so distraught now, it makes sense to just stick to my emotional range of a teaspoon and not be bothered by irrelevant, senseless things. i have too many things to do, i have too much to live for. so please, stay far far FAR away. i don't want to say hello, i am not interested in making small talk, i just want you to keep away from me. yes, many "you"s in this post, please don't get confused.

goodbye.