this geog project has to be the most useful project i've done in a long time.
i am currently doing research about the brand image of all my favourite labels - Zara, Mango, U.R.S & inc, Guess, Levi's.
oh and the models in the Zara and Mango ad campaigns are so pretty. i'm too short to be a runway model. but i can be a print model! ha might go try my hand at it during the hols. have to work anyway, so maybe i'll do some part-time modelling just for the heck of it? on top of my boring day job.
have been wanting to try print modelling for quite a long time already, but i haven't had much time to give too much thought into it. maybe this hols will be the time to finally get round to seeing if i can. dunno how i'm gonna tell mom and dad, though. they won't be pleased, i think. but it's something i wanna do at least once in my life, so hmm. maybe now's the time.
will put more thought and prayer into this hair-brained idea of mine till the hols, though. for now, concentrate on my work!
my geog report is going rather okay, i think. i seem to have a lot to say about the labels in Ngee Ann City. haha. which, by some happy coincidence, is the case study i'm doing. oh, i forgot to mention that i chose to do Ngee Ann City. hahaha. i made the guys do the other more boring shopping centres like Centrepoint and Far East Shopping Centre. =P
okay i'm done with the case study for Ngee Ann!
that was a rather fun thing to do, actually. unlike the new media project. absolute blahs i tell you, the topic. internet dependency! wahlao. if i could choose i'd research video games.
speaking of video games. i wanna play final fantasy again! i'm really looking forward to the 3 month holidays now, actually. no more dratted projects to tussle with. let me tell you, this's not the end of my projects. i still have one more! the Japanese studies one.
which i haven't even started on.
but one thing at a time. yes.
study session with Chelsa and Stef at SPI tomorrow. i'd better be productive and get down to doing my work now that both geog and new media projects are out of the way. i feel rather accomplished, by the way. odd, considering i haven't touched my material to study at all.
must be the Project Syndrome. makes one feel like one has done a lot of schoolwork when all one has merely done is a part of a report that had no previous bearing on whether i could complete my readings previously or not.
okay shall sleep now!
i need to talk to you.
the last time we talked, Mr. Smith, you reduced me to tears. but i promise you it won't happen again.
courtesy of Grace Kelly.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
major miracle alert today: i had NO cramps.
wow-whee! i tell you, i felt sooooooooooooo good when i woke up and realised that the stupid cramps weren't plaguing me.
but, well, my nose is perpetually stuck and my head is still fuzzy. flu over cramps anyday though, thanks. heh.
didn't eat lunch cos i'm not really hungry. and i'm too lazy to cook something up then wash it all up later. just ate breakfast when i got up - biscuits and milo - while reading Urban, then came back upstairs to finish watching whatever episodes of ANTM cycle 7 remained on youtube. i tell you ah. youtube is pissing me off. what's wrong with posting up ANTM videos?? mediacorp doesn't even screen them on tv, and it's already up to season 8 in america. the newest season is NOWHERE to be found on youtube. stupid google bought youtube and so they have to clean up their act by cracking down on copyright infringement.
i hope google doesn't sue me if they google my blog and find out that i slandered them or whatever. ahaha. google googling my blog.
trying my hardest to do up the Taka report for geog project. i wonder how the new media project's coming along, though. i haven't seen the newest version of the project yet and i'm getting a little worried. it's due tomorrow.
oh, but i'll be so glad to see it handed in. oh, and i forgot yesterday in my illness - i got a B+ for the soci test. i was slightly disappointed that i got a B (the plus seemed insignificant), but then i remembered i was hoping for a B at most. so i oughtn't feel disappointed when i get just what i expect. i guess sometimes we aren't satisfied with what we have. we're never satisfied. when we get something that we wanted so badly, we immediately want something more. econs would put it down to limited resources to fulfil unlimited wants. i'd just put it down to human greed. we never have enough, we always want more no matter how much we already have.
sometimes we gotta just realise that we want all the material things or worldly success because we want to fill up a gap in our lives. we always want more of these, whatever we have of these is never enough, because the gap we're trying to fill goes deeper than these. you know how retail therapy works right? it works well for me, but it's a temporary stop-gap measure. i feel good at the instant when i'm shopping and buying pretty things, and maybe even through the night. but the next morning, the satisfaction's more or less dissipated and i just want to shop again.
Singaporeans apparently use food to fill up the emptiness in their lives. food is after all, a material, physical pleasure. that's why gluttony is a sin, it's excess eating for self-gratification. i'm not saying enjoying one's food is a sin, no! i enjoy good food anyday, Trina my best girlfriend can testify to that haha. but it's the same as shopping or retail therapy. you feel good when you're eating and possibly for a while after that, but when you go to sleep and get up the next morning, you realise that the happiness has left you again and all you need to do is shit.
wanting things isn't wrong. it only becomes a little wrongly-focussed when your wants override you and take over your life, and you completely throw yourself into meeting all these wants. cos wants, as we all know, never end. we can't spend the rest of our lives just fulfilling want after want after want. life'd be so meaningless then. cos the wants never end.
i choose to spend my life now chasing the one want to end all wants - God. when you're fulfilled in God, you're contented with all you have and satisfied with the status quo. nothing's lacking, nothing's missing. that doesn't necessarily make me mediocore. i'm passionate about what i do, i'm not settling for things.
on a totally off-tangent note though, i've been feeling somewhat like a rabbit the last few days. have been eating salads for lunch with Chels for two consecutive days. salads are rabbit food, but the smoked salmon and ham makes it slightly more than just that.
i am on a campaign to lose weight on my bottom now. i will no longer just eat and sleep straight after. sometimes i forget i'm not quite as young as i used to be, and i need to work a bit more to maintain that beautiful body.
i want to want you.
wow-whee! i tell you, i felt sooooooooooooo good when i woke up and realised that the stupid cramps weren't plaguing me.
but, well, my nose is perpetually stuck and my head is still fuzzy. flu over cramps anyday though, thanks. heh.
didn't eat lunch cos i'm not really hungry. and i'm too lazy to cook something up then wash it all up later. just ate breakfast when i got up - biscuits and milo - while reading Urban, then came back upstairs to finish watching whatever episodes of ANTM cycle 7 remained on youtube. i tell you ah. youtube is pissing me off. what's wrong with posting up ANTM videos?? mediacorp doesn't even screen them on tv, and it's already up to season 8 in america. the newest season is NOWHERE to be found on youtube. stupid google bought youtube and so they have to clean up their act by cracking down on copyright infringement.
i hope google doesn't sue me if they google my blog and find out that i slandered them or whatever. ahaha. google googling my blog.
trying my hardest to do up the Taka report for geog project. i wonder how the new media project's coming along, though. i haven't seen the newest version of the project yet and i'm getting a little worried. it's due tomorrow.
oh, but i'll be so glad to see it handed in. oh, and i forgot yesterday in my illness - i got a B+ for the soci test. i was slightly disappointed that i got a B (the plus seemed insignificant), but then i remembered i was hoping for a B at most. so i oughtn't feel disappointed when i get just what i expect. i guess sometimes we aren't satisfied with what we have. we're never satisfied. when we get something that we wanted so badly, we immediately want something more. econs would put it down to limited resources to fulfil unlimited wants. i'd just put it down to human greed. we never have enough, we always want more no matter how much we already have.
sometimes we gotta just realise that we want all the material things or worldly success because we want to fill up a gap in our lives. we always want more of these, whatever we have of these is never enough, because the gap we're trying to fill goes deeper than these. you know how retail therapy works right? it works well for me, but it's a temporary stop-gap measure. i feel good at the instant when i'm shopping and buying pretty things, and maybe even through the night. but the next morning, the satisfaction's more or less dissipated and i just want to shop again.
Singaporeans apparently use food to fill up the emptiness in their lives. food is after all, a material, physical pleasure. that's why gluttony is a sin, it's excess eating for self-gratification. i'm not saying enjoying one's food is a sin, no! i enjoy good food anyday, Trina my best girlfriend can testify to that haha. but it's the same as shopping or retail therapy. you feel good when you're eating and possibly for a while after that, but when you go to sleep and get up the next morning, you realise that the happiness has left you again and all you need to do is shit.
wanting things isn't wrong. it only becomes a little wrongly-focussed when your wants override you and take over your life, and you completely throw yourself into meeting all these wants. cos wants, as we all know, never end. we can't spend the rest of our lives just fulfilling want after want after want. life'd be so meaningless then. cos the wants never end.
i choose to spend my life now chasing the one want to end all wants - God. when you're fulfilled in God, you're contented with all you have and satisfied with the status quo. nothing's lacking, nothing's missing. that doesn't necessarily make me mediocore. i'm passionate about what i do, i'm not settling for things.
on a totally off-tangent note though, i've been feeling somewhat like a rabbit the last few days. have been eating salads for lunch with Chels for two consecutive days. salads are rabbit food, but the smoked salmon and ham makes it slightly more than just that.
i am on a campaign to lose weight on my bottom now. i will no longer just eat and sleep straight after. sometimes i forget i'm not quite as young as i used to be, and i need to work a bit more to maintain that beautiful body.
i want to want you.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
i don't mean to wallow in self-pity, but do let me indulge in it on this miserable day.
i am so absolutely miserable. i feel disgusting. my physical state probably finally matches my emotional and mental state. hooray for the body - it's no longer lagging.
my throat hurts like crap. i'm getting the flu-ey sorethroat, the kind that visits you the moment you're coming down with the stupid flu and makes you feel like drinking water non-stop. and lots and lots of phlegm and mucus and a fuzzy headache to top it all off.
THEN. my period decides to visit me today as well and now i'm stuck with a mild bout of cramps. which wouldn't be so bad on it's own, but i know i'm gonna bear the full brunt of it tomorrow since my cramps usually kick in on day 2. throw in severe bloatedness and nausea and we can just celebrate my disgusting physiological state right about now. and i am really bloated because i've been drinking tons of water.
and i have a million piles of work to do. i don't even have time to study, bloody hell. it's project after project after project. and webcast after webcast. well alright, the latter's my fault since i skipped the lectures in the first place. helpppppppppppppppppppp. i am in no state to do any work now but i HAVE to get my new media project edited by right about now. i don't wanna bring my readings home this weekend cos i already have too many geog readings to lug home. ohhhhhh i'm dying i'm dying i'm dying.
thank goodness i am not silly enough to keep thinking about blood-boiling-inducing things. or well, maybe at least i know where my priorities lie now. good girl, Kelly.
bah i feel so incredibly crappy it's amazing. i've never had a bout of flu with cramps before. i think they're gonna cancel each other out and just knock me out flat on my back. as it is, i'm already so tired. i want to sleep so badly, even though i think i've been having pretty much sufficient sleep the last few days. not satisfactory amounts, but just enough to get by. i think it's cos my body is breaking down with the illnesses so it needs to recuperate for a bit.
give my brain a pat on it's back/rear/ass. it finally connected my fallen-apart mental state with my fully-functioning body and synchronised them both so that my physical state reflects my emotional state now. i feel like throwing a party to celebrate.
Smart Girl Kelly Will Not Give Up On Her Work And Will Make Herself Sit Upright To Do Work Until She Really Can't, And When That Happens, She Will Lie Down On Her Back To Do It All.
oh, and i shopped today again. i am on a campaign to revamp my image. no more spag tops and low cut, cleavage popping tops anymore! decent polos and round-neck tees will be my new good-girl look from now on. well actually, it's so i don't have to quarrell with mom every single Sunday about the dip of my neckline or thinness of my straps just before we leave the house for Mass. it ain't good to quarrell before Mass over silly things like cleavage or backs.
and i have a mini-directory of taka in my phone now. geog projects are so interesting i swear. and useful too. i mean, hey, i got to shop. no more buys for this month anymore though! i have exceeded my usual shopping expenditure by almost 200% already i think. and have to go get shoes from Chels's place soon. stashed them there the last time i went mad and bought 3 pairs of shoes at a go at a Charles & Keith sale. i have a weakness for shoes, i tell you. hmm maybe for tops too. i realise i need to get more skirts and bottoms, having grown fatter below.
ARGH this rambling is not soothing my headache at all. i shall go do my project now. hopefully i make a little sense through the fogginess of my brain.
one word for how i feel right now: YUCKS. :(
i am so absolutely miserable. i feel disgusting. my physical state probably finally matches my emotional and mental state. hooray for the body - it's no longer lagging.
my throat hurts like crap. i'm getting the flu-ey sorethroat, the kind that visits you the moment you're coming down with the stupid flu and makes you feel like drinking water non-stop. and lots and lots of phlegm and mucus and a fuzzy headache to top it all off.
THEN. my period decides to visit me today as well and now i'm stuck with a mild bout of cramps. which wouldn't be so bad on it's own, but i know i'm gonna bear the full brunt of it tomorrow since my cramps usually kick in on day 2. throw in severe bloatedness and nausea and we can just celebrate my disgusting physiological state right about now. and i am really bloated because i've been drinking tons of water.
and i have a million piles of work to do. i don't even have time to study, bloody hell. it's project after project after project. and webcast after webcast. well alright, the latter's my fault since i skipped the lectures in the first place. helpppppppppppppppppppp. i am in no state to do any work now but i HAVE to get my new media project edited by right about now. i don't wanna bring my readings home this weekend cos i already have too many geog readings to lug home. ohhhhhh i'm dying i'm dying i'm dying.
thank goodness i am not silly enough to keep thinking about blood-boiling-inducing things. or well, maybe at least i know where my priorities lie now. good girl, Kelly.
bah i feel so incredibly crappy it's amazing. i've never had a bout of flu with cramps before. i think they're gonna cancel each other out and just knock me out flat on my back. as it is, i'm already so tired. i want to sleep so badly, even though i think i've been having pretty much sufficient sleep the last few days. not satisfactory amounts, but just enough to get by. i think it's cos my body is breaking down with the illnesses so it needs to recuperate for a bit.
give my brain a pat on it's back/rear/ass. it finally connected my fallen-apart mental state with my fully-functioning body and synchronised them both so that my physical state reflects my emotional state now. i feel like throwing a party to celebrate.
Smart Girl Kelly Will Not Give Up On Her Work And Will Make Herself Sit Upright To Do Work Until She Really Can't, And When That Happens, She Will Lie Down On Her Back To Do It All.
oh, and i shopped today again. i am on a campaign to revamp my image. no more spag tops and low cut, cleavage popping tops anymore! decent polos and round-neck tees will be my new good-girl look from now on. well actually, it's so i don't have to quarrell with mom every single Sunday about the dip of my neckline or thinness of my straps just before we leave the house for Mass. it ain't good to quarrell before Mass over silly things like cleavage or backs.
and i have a mini-directory of taka in my phone now. geog projects are so interesting i swear. and useful too. i mean, hey, i got to shop. no more buys for this month anymore though! i have exceeded my usual shopping expenditure by almost 200% already i think. and have to go get shoes from Chels's place soon. stashed them there the last time i went mad and bought 3 pairs of shoes at a go at a Charles & Keith sale. i have a weakness for shoes, i tell you. hmm maybe for tops too. i realise i need to get more skirts and bottoms, having grown fatter below.
ARGH this rambling is not soothing my headache at all. i shall go do my project now. hopefully i make a little sense through the fogginess of my brain.
one word for how i feel right now: YUCKS. :(
Monday, March 26, 2007
i am thoroughly not at home. i can't focus, i have a headache.
i have no energy or strength to do anything.
all i want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.
hearing Indescribable on Sunday moved me to tears. that song has that effect on me. when i hear the keyboard and guitars playing before the words come in, i always start crying. hearing it on my mp3 player earlier this afternoon also drove me to tears. the nostalgia and memories kick in and knock the wind out of my sails all the time whenever i hear that song. there's a strange sadness about the happiness and exuberance, for me.
you know, i give up. i give up trying, i give up crying, i give up feeling, i give up everything except God. everything human disappoints, some time or the other. sometimes, all the time.
when you've been burnt enough times, you know that fire's hot.
when you've been hurt enough times, you know that it's painful.
and when you've tried enough times, each time with failure, you know it's impossible.
how i long to say screw it all, i can face the world with my chin upright and look everyone straight in the eye. that i'm fine, i'm strong, i can do this. that i don't need no one to help me, i can do this on my own. that it doesn't matter, i can deal. i can't. i'm not fine, i'm not gonna be fine anytime soon. in time, yes. but not for now.
for now, i just want to let the tears come and come and come. i don't want to hold them back anymore.
i rediscovered Kelly Clarkson's because of you.
i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
i've learnt the hard way to never let it get that far
i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with.
i watched you die, i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night over the same damn thing.
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid.
because of you.
it's a sad sad sad sad song. i bet the dude never knew how he made her so cautious, so afraid of letting anyone else in. bastard.
i have no energy or strength to do anything.
all i want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.
hearing Indescribable on Sunday moved me to tears. that song has that effect on me. when i hear the keyboard and guitars playing before the words come in, i always start crying. hearing it on my mp3 player earlier this afternoon also drove me to tears. the nostalgia and memories kick in and knock the wind out of my sails all the time whenever i hear that song. there's a strange sadness about the happiness and exuberance, for me.
you know, i give up. i give up trying, i give up crying, i give up feeling, i give up everything except God. everything human disappoints, some time or the other. sometimes, all the time.
when you've been burnt enough times, you know that fire's hot.
when you've been hurt enough times, you know that it's painful.
and when you've tried enough times, each time with failure, you know it's impossible.
how i long to say screw it all, i can face the world with my chin upright and look everyone straight in the eye. that i'm fine, i'm strong, i can do this. that i don't need no one to help me, i can do this on my own. that it doesn't matter, i can deal. i can't. i'm not fine, i'm not gonna be fine anytime soon. in time, yes. but not for now.
for now, i just want to let the tears come and come and come. i don't want to hold them back anymore.
i rediscovered Kelly Clarkson's because of you.
i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
i've learnt the hard way to never let it get that far
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learn to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid.
i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with.
i watched you die, i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night over the same damn thing.
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid.
because of you.
it's a sad sad sad sad song. i bet the dude never knew how he made her so cautious, so afraid of letting anyone else in. bastard.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
omg i am bloody pissed off.
i can't believe you have the audacity to piss me off and not bother to even reply.
i can't believe you, full stop.
omg, i haven't been this pissed in a long while.
you don't deserve any of this, you don't.
forget it, just fricking forget it all.
I AM SO UPSET DO YOU KNOW. frickinghell.
screw this all, just screw it.
i can't believe you have the audacity to piss me off and not bother to even reply.
i can't believe you, full stop.
omg, i haven't been this pissed in a long while.
you don't deserve any of this, you don't.
forget it, just fricking forget it all.
I AM SO UPSET DO YOU KNOW. frickinghell.
screw this all, just screw it.
this weekend has been like, a whirlwind of activity. been going out so much since Friday that's a miracle i've managed to finish my part for the new media project by last night.
i must admit though, that a lot of what i did this weekend made me very happy. :)
lunched with Koko Maggie and Christian at a superb japanese restaurant on Friday before going down to school to hand in my soci assignment, then headed to church for Mass and stations. oh, and did i mentioned i shopped a bit? heh. met mom in town on Saturday morning to get jeans. because. i am growing FAT. can't wear the jeans i bought early last year anymore. how sad is that right?
Sat night saw the zj girls at Alison's place having steamboat dinner and a load of girl talk. t'was fun! haha a couple of us had tummy aches after that though. perhaps it was the uncooked soup? ha. then came back and rushed the social impacts and dependency for new media project till 3-ish in the morning. it was really quite lucky i managed to sit through it cos i thought i was gonna lose interest half way. i tell you. i was so. bored. of. my. project.
i hope that doesn't mean it's a boring project overall.
i think it just means the project title was boring in the first place.
just came back from extended lunch after yes today. had a good sharing with the lunch people. Dan dropped me off at the sunrise bus stop and my feet are dying now from walking. it's a rather long walk home, especially in the hot sun and the heels i was wearing. but no complaints! a lift's a lift. bubble blisters on my foot nowwww. yucks. i hate them.
wonder when i'm gonna go back to hall. tonight? or tomorrow morning? can't decide. think i shall take a nap before adding in the citations for the new media project then decide as i sleep. i haven't been in hall for almost 3 weeks already i think. i could get used to not staying in hall, but i think it's just stupid to commute every morning when i still have my room. i'm only not staying next sem! so shall move back soon, i think.
Brother Michael Broughton's session today was super good btw. i didn't realise i was right about so many things until the session today. heh. like a lot of what he said, i'd discovered over the last few months, and just hearing it from him affirmed me that i'm on the right path. to wherever, i really dunno where, but wherever.
nap nap nap!
i must admit though, that a lot of what i did this weekend made me very happy. :)
lunched with Koko Maggie and Christian at a superb japanese restaurant on Friday before going down to school to hand in my soci assignment, then headed to church for Mass and stations. oh, and did i mentioned i shopped a bit? heh. met mom in town on Saturday morning to get jeans. because. i am growing FAT. can't wear the jeans i bought early last year anymore. how sad is that right?
Sat night saw the zj girls at Alison's place having steamboat dinner and a load of girl talk. t'was fun! haha a couple of us had tummy aches after that though. perhaps it was the uncooked soup? ha. then came back and rushed the social impacts and dependency for new media project till 3-ish in the morning. it was really quite lucky i managed to sit through it cos i thought i was gonna lose interest half way. i tell you. i was so. bored. of. my. project.
i hope that doesn't mean it's a boring project overall.
i think it just means the project title was boring in the first place.
just came back from extended lunch after yes today. had a good sharing with the lunch people. Dan dropped me off at the sunrise bus stop and my feet are dying now from walking. it's a rather long walk home, especially in the hot sun and the heels i was wearing. but no complaints! a lift's a lift. bubble blisters on my foot nowwww. yucks. i hate them.
wonder when i'm gonna go back to hall. tonight? or tomorrow morning? can't decide. think i shall take a nap before adding in the citations for the new media project then decide as i sleep. i haven't been in hall for almost 3 weeks already i think. i could get used to not staying in hall, but i think it's just stupid to commute every morning when i still have my room. i'm only not staying next sem! so shall move back soon, i think.
Brother Michael Broughton's session today was super good btw. i didn't realise i was right about so many things until the session today. heh. like a lot of what he said, i'd discovered over the last few months, and just hearing it from him affirmed me that i'm on the right path. to wherever, i really dunno where, but wherever.
nap nap nap!
Friday, March 23, 2007
I JUST FINISHED MY SOCI ASSIGNMENT.
it's gonna suck.
my brain isn't functioning anymore and i'm so bloody tired and yet i kept pushing my fingers to keep on typing and typing and typing. i think when i read my essay tomorrow morning, i'm gonna be so appalled and will wanna rewrite it.
arh heck lah, i'm too tired to look through it again. i'm just gonna climb into bed and sleep.
went to cana today with Mario for a meeting with the saccre people about the 14th of April leadership workshop. i was trying to finish the essay before going for the meeting, but i couldn't do much in the afternoon. i'm such a last-minute worker. bad.
shitttttttttttttt i really needed an A for my soci assignment. whatever man. it's just 10%. i think i'm gonna have to cram like crazy for the final exam so i can get an A for soci.
i'm obsessed with my grades, i swear. i eat, breathe and dream As for my modules.
this weekend is gonna be SO PACKED with project work. i have to write up my part for the new media project by Sunday 12pm. and i will so not be at home then. so i have to write it on Saturday afternoon before going to meet the girls for steamboat in the evening. and even if i wanted to skip YES to do my project, i can'! Aloy won't be around this weekend.
i am suddenly feeling very overwhelmed by work. then after new media project, i have to visit Taka to write up my part for the geog project. which i suspect would be a fun thing to do, except that i have so bloody much things to do. maybe i'll go survey the place on Monday then can start working on the project after that.
and i need to start studying and reading my material for exams! if i can't go to Bangkok for the youth conference, i'd better ace this round of exams okay. i'm not skipping it to get another cap of 3-point-something this sem. i might as well just heck my geog exam and fly off to Bangkok then.
i am stressed! really and truly! which is good lah, cos i mean, i busy myself and not mope.
and Father's homily during Novena today at Saints Peter and Paul church was damn good. powerrrr! he talked about forgiveness and inner healing. omg, i nearly ran straight up to the pulpit to hug him and tell him that he was a god-send.
and i just discovered the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's Miss Independent.
was rather tickled when i heard it and brought a wry smile to my lips heh.
miss independent
miss self-sufficient
miss keep-your-distance
miss on-her-own
miss almost-grown
miss never-let-a-man-help-her-off-her-throne
so, by keeping her heart protected
she'd never ever feel rejected
little miss apprehensive
she said ooooh, - she fell in love.
what is the feeling taking over?
thinking no one could open the door
surprise... it's time to feel what's real
what happened to miss independent?
yeah, what the hell happened to all the miss independents out there?
lose all the men, you don't need them. you're miss independent, remember?
ha yes, say hello to miss independent.
little miss apprehensive.
and the rest of the miss-whatevers.
it's gonna suck.
my brain isn't functioning anymore and i'm so bloody tired and yet i kept pushing my fingers to keep on typing and typing and typing. i think when i read my essay tomorrow morning, i'm gonna be so appalled and will wanna rewrite it.
arh heck lah, i'm too tired to look through it again. i'm just gonna climb into bed and sleep.
went to cana today with Mario for a meeting with the saccre people about the 14th of April leadership workshop. i was trying to finish the essay before going for the meeting, but i couldn't do much in the afternoon. i'm such a last-minute worker. bad.
shitttttttttttttt i really needed an A for my soci assignment. whatever man. it's just 10%. i think i'm gonna have to cram like crazy for the final exam so i can get an A for soci.
i'm obsessed with my grades, i swear. i eat, breathe and dream As for my modules.
this weekend is gonna be SO PACKED with project work. i have to write up my part for the new media project by Sunday 12pm. and i will so not be at home then. so i have to write it on Saturday afternoon before going to meet the girls for steamboat in the evening. and even if i wanted to skip YES to do my project, i can'! Aloy won't be around this weekend.
i am suddenly feeling very overwhelmed by work. then after new media project, i have to visit Taka to write up my part for the geog project. which i suspect would be a fun thing to do, except that i have so bloody much things to do. maybe i'll go survey the place on Monday then can start working on the project after that.
and i need to start studying and reading my material for exams! if i can't go to Bangkok for the youth conference, i'd better ace this round of exams okay. i'm not skipping it to get another cap of 3-point-something this sem. i might as well just heck my geog exam and fly off to Bangkok then.
i am stressed! really and truly! which is good lah, cos i mean, i busy myself and not mope.
and Father's homily during Novena today at Saints Peter and Paul church was damn good. powerrrr! he talked about forgiveness and inner healing. omg, i nearly ran straight up to the pulpit to hug him and tell him that he was a god-send.
and i just discovered the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's Miss Independent.
was rather tickled when i heard it and brought a wry smile to my lips heh.
miss independent
miss self-sufficient
miss keep-your-distance
miss on-her-own
miss almost-grown
miss never-let-a-man-help-her-off-her-throne
so, by keeping her heart protected
she'd never ever feel rejected
little miss apprehensive
she said ooooh, - she fell in love.
what is the feeling taking over?
thinking no one could open the door
surprise... it's time to feel what's real
what happened to miss independent?
yeah, what the hell happened to all the miss independents out there?
lose all the men, you don't need them. you're miss independent, remember?
ha yes, say hello to miss independent.
little miss apprehensive.
and the rest of the miss-whatevers.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
i am stuck at home trying to rush the soci assignment before tonight. stressed. i have no idea what i wanna write on. i have big, grand plans of a grandiose essay that's like, wow, i never saw it that way before! but i have zero motivation to start.
it really irks me, how some people talk down from their high-horses about certain things. who the hell are you to pass judgement - any kind of judgement - about anyone's life? about anyone's walk with God? about anyone's struggles? about anyone's feelings? no one has the right to. no one.
i don't expect anyone to understand exactly how i feel or what i'm going through, so i don't blame people when they can't. but at the same time, i don't expect me to understand exactly what my friend, no matter how close a friend it is, is going through. and so i try not to judge. i don't snort in derision and scoff to myself how weak or how silly. i can't do that, i don't know everything. i may think i know what the person is going through based on what he or she tells me, but that's only what he or she chooses to tell me, see. there's usually a lot more going on that the person doesn't say.
it's hard to not come across as being judgemental. it's hard not to pass a snap judgement. it's hard to remain neutral. and sometimes, as much as we try not to take sides or anything, we subconsciously do it anyway. we have certain loyalties towards certain people, we can't help but get worked up when our friends seem to have been hurt by someone else. bad sentiments towards the other party, inevitably. even if you tell yourself you're neutral, sometimes the negative sentiments just form inside of us and temper our impressions.
sad, i know, but you can't blame anyone for these as well. you can't expect the other party to feel all warm and lovey to you when it appears you've been a complete bitch to their friend. even if that's not totally the case, even if there's still your side of the story untold and so many other aspects that you could uncover when you tell your side - you can't blame the unfairness or biasness of perspective.
you know, i've mellowed so much over the last few years. i've become less reactive, less quick to dismiss someone as an annoying whatever. it's not that i've become spineless or dead-boring, i guess it's just that i'm a lot more aware of how my actions or words could end up affecting other people. i don't want to consciously cause hurt to anyone, even if my feelings towards someone are poisonous enough to turn to hate.
okay i need to eat lunch then start on that dratted assignment.
it really irks me, how some people talk down from their high-horses about certain things. who the hell are you to pass judgement - any kind of judgement - about anyone's life? about anyone's walk with God? about anyone's struggles? about anyone's feelings? no one has the right to. no one.
i don't expect anyone to understand exactly how i feel or what i'm going through, so i don't blame people when they can't. but at the same time, i don't expect me to understand exactly what my friend, no matter how close a friend it is, is going through. and so i try not to judge. i don't snort in derision and scoff to myself how weak or how silly. i can't do that, i don't know everything. i may think i know what the person is going through based on what he or she tells me, but that's only what he or she chooses to tell me, see. there's usually a lot more going on that the person doesn't say.
it's hard to not come across as being judgemental. it's hard not to pass a snap judgement. it's hard to remain neutral. and sometimes, as much as we try not to take sides or anything, we subconsciously do it anyway. we have certain loyalties towards certain people, we can't help but get worked up when our friends seem to have been hurt by someone else. bad sentiments towards the other party, inevitably. even if you tell yourself you're neutral, sometimes the negative sentiments just form inside of us and temper our impressions.
sad, i know, but you can't blame anyone for these as well. you can't expect the other party to feel all warm and lovey to you when it appears you've been a complete bitch to their friend. even if that's not totally the case, even if there's still your side of the story untold and so many other aspects that you could uncover when you tell your side - you can't blame the unfairness or biasness of perspective.
you know, i've mellowed so much over the last few years. i've become less reactive, less quick to dismiss someone as an annoying whatever. it's not that i've become spineless or dead-boring, i guess it's just that i'm a lot more aware of how my actions or words could end up affecting other people. i don't want to consciously cause hurt to anyone, even if my feelings towards someone are poisonous enough to turn to hate.
okay i need to eat lunch then start on that dratted assignment.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
module planning for next sem is suchhhhh a headache i tell you.
i think i'm dead, actually. i dunno how i'm gonna survive the next few sems until graduation, cos i mean, if i take 5 lit modules a sem, i might just die right. considering the fact that each module requires the reading of about a book every two weeks. which makes for 5 books a fortnight. i love books, but i don't think it's humanly possible to finish 5 books a fortnight in the long term. my brains will just conk out.
oh, in case you were wondering, yes - i'm considering doing a major in lit.
which is why i'm talking about doing 5 lit modules a sem, incidentally.
EVERY SINGLE LIT MODULE REQUIRES ME TO HAVE TAKEN THE LEVEL 2 EXPOSURE MODULE BEFORE I CAN TAKE THEM.
like, how??
i have almost completed ALL my uni requirements for graduation in the form of U/Es and such. with the help of my lovely biz modules which i just wish i could chuck aside instead of counting into my cap.
and there're so many other modules i still wanna do. there're the journalistic new media modules that i wanna do, and the gaming new media ones as well. then there're some soci modules that i would wanna do, as well as level 2 and 3 mno biz modules.
annoying.
pol science test today was doable. sadly. not like, aceable, just doable. i'll pass. but i won't ace the paper. which is BAD cos i mean, i need to be aceing class tests like these to recover my cap before exchange. i wanted to kick myself when i saw the paper cos the questions were entirely entirely brainless and easy if only i'd studied properly. like the definition about the nation and state. like, hello????? that's the basic definition. i didn't even imagine she'd bother testing that.
had a core team sharing after Fr Gino's session just now. we went to the adoration room at CSC for a while before heading to the coffee shop to have some drinks and talk. it's been a long time since we spoke, it seems. i think with YES running every Sunday and all, i feel sort of detached from the rest of the core. especially since i'm so heavily involved with the YES programme itself, being a facil. t'was a good chat, though. we might wanna meet up again some time next week to do something like that, though till not quite as late as tonight. got home at 1! lucky Dan sent me back. dad wanted to throw his arms around Dan when he offered cos i mean, it saved him a trip and allowed him to sleep earlier.
okay! gonna sleep. project meeting tomorrow at Causeway Point. i know, like, huh right. why Causeway?? project season is looming. i dread it like hell. three weeks, 4 projects/assignments due. then exams.
then everyone goes to Bangkok and what about me?? i'm stuck in Singapore because of a stupid stupid stupid geog module. BAH.
i was in a supremely whiney mood for a lot of the night before the talk in church. debated with Fr Brian and the boys over dinner over male dominance in church. which i think is an extremely salient point, except that ALL of them fail to see where i'm coming from. which was my point, exactly. when there's dominance, there's power, and when there's power, myopia tends to result. when guys dominate in church groups, they recognise it but they put it down to inadequacies of girls. but perhaps it's like that because they've engineered it to be such? after years and years and years of pure, unadulterated male arrogance and whatever else that testosterone does to you, perhaps that's the culture they've helped create.
arh whatever lah. i'm tired and hungry and slightly grouchy because i am not looking forward to the rest of my uni life.
i think i'm dead, actually. i dunno how i'm gonna survive the next few sems until graduation, cos i mean, if i take 5 lit modules a sem, i might just die right. considering the fact that each module requires the reading of about a book every two weeks. which makes for 5 books a fortnight. i love books, but i don't think it's humanly possible to finish 5 books a fortnight in the long term. my brains will just conk out.
oh, in case you were wondering, yes - i'm considering doing a major in lit.
which is why i'm talking about doing 5 lit modules a sem, incidentally.
EVERY SINGLE LIT MODULE REQUIRES ME TO HAVE TAKEN THE LEVEL 2 EXPOSURE MODULE BEFORE I CAN TAKE THEM.
like, how??
i have almost completed ALL my uni requirements for graduation in the form of U/Es and such. with the help of my lovely biz modules which i just wish i could chuck aside instead of counting into my cap.
and there're so many other modules i still wanna do. there're the journalistic new media modules that i wanna do, and the gaming new media ones as well. then there're some soci modules that i would wanna do, as well as level 2 and 3 mno biz modules.
annoying.
pol science test today was doable. sadly. not like, aceable, just doable. i'll pass. but i won't ace the paper. which is BAD cos i mean, i need to be aceing class tests like these to recover my cap before exchange. i wanted to kick myself when i saw the paper cos the questions were entirely entirely brainless and easy if only i'd studied properly. like the definition about the nation and state. like, hello????? that's the basic definition. i didn't even imagine she'd bother testing that.
had a core team sharing after Fr Gino's session just now. we went to the adoration room at CSC for a while before heading to the coffee shop to have some drinks and talk. it's been a long time since we spoke, it seems. i think with YES running every Sunday and all, i feel sort of detached from the rest of the core. especially since i'm so heavily involved with the YES programme itself, being a facil. t'was a good chat, though. we might wanna meet up again some time next week to do something like that, though till not quite as late as tonight. got home at 1! lucky Dan sent me back. dad wanted to throw his arms around Dan when he offered cos i mean, it saved him a trip and allowed him to sleep earlier.
okay! gonna sleep. project meeting tomorrow at Causeway Point. i know, like, huh right. why Causeway?? project season is looming. i dread it like hell. three weeks, 4 projects/assignments due. then exams.
then everyone goes to Bangkok and what about me?? i'm stuck in Singapore because of a stupid stupid stupid geog module. BAH.
i was in a supremely whiney mood for a lot of the night before the talk in church. debated with Fr Brian and the boys over dinner over male dominance in church. which i think is an extremely salient point, except that ALL of them fail to see where i'm coming from. which was my point, exactly. when there's dominance, there's power, and when there's power, myopia tends to result. when guys dominate in church groups, they recognise it but they put it down to inadequacies of girls. but perhaps it's like that because they've engineered it to be such? after years and years and years of pure, unadulterated male arrogance and whatever else that testosterone does to you, perhaps that's the culture they've helped create.
arh whatever lah. i'm tired and hungry and slightly grouchy because i am not looking forward to the rest of my uni life.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
i can tell by your eyes
that you've probably been crying forever
and the stars in the sky, they don't mean nothing to you -
they're a mirror.
i don't wanna talk about it,
how you broke my heart.
if i stay here just a little bit longer,
if i stay here
;won't you just listen to my heart?
if i stand all alone
will the shadow hide the colour of my heart?
- blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
the stars in the sky, they don't mean nothing to you,
they're a mirror.
i don't wanna talk about it,
how you broke my heart.
if i stay here just a little bit longer,
if i stay here
; won't you just listen to my heart?
*rod stewart/i don't wanna talk about it.
i heard this song. i cried.
damn, i swore i'd never cry over him ever again. after the weekend, i swore to never cry over him. not cos he's not worth it, but simply cos i need to wake up. i told me i will not tolerate my own weaknesses, my own silliness anymore.
never again is such a long time. it's so hard, too.
damn. i don't feel like studying for my pol science test tomorrow anymore. :(
that you've probably been crying forever
and the stars in the sky, they don't mean nothing to you -
they're a mirror.
i don't wanna talk about it,
how you broke my heart.
if i stay here just a little bit longer,
if i stay here
;won't you just listen to my heart?
if i stand all alone
will the shadow hide the colour of my heart?
- blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
the stars in the sky, they don't mean nothing to you,
they're a mirror.
i don't wanna talk about it,
how you broke my heart.
if i stay here just a little bit longer,
if i stay here
; won't you just listen to my heart?
*rod stewart/i don't wanna talk about it.
i heard this song. i cried.
damn, i swore i'd never cry over him ever again. after the weekend, i swore to never cry over him. not cos he's not worth it, but simply cos i need to wake up. i told me i will not tolerate my own weaknesses, my own silliness anymore.
never again is such a long time. it's so hard, too.
damn. i don't feel like studying for my pol science test tomorrow anymore. :(
Monday, March 19, 2007
i wish you bluebirds in the spring
to give your heart a song to sing
and then a kiss,
- but more than this
; i wish you love.
and in July a lemonade
to cool you in some leafy glade
i wish you health
and more than wealth
; iwishyoulove.
my breaking heart and i agree,
that you and i could never be
so with my best,
my very best;
- i set you free.
i wish you shelter from the storm,
a cozy fire to keep you warm.
but most of all, when snowflakes fall,
; i wish you love.
*i wish you love/rachael yamagata
no more. i can't go on every week, coming just as i am, but leaving my emotions at the door as i come in. that's not who i am, that's just a shell of me. but what else can i do? i'm doing what i can to preserve my sanity and self. i'm doing what i can to live and function and smile and laugh.
so. that's it. no more. i don't want to turn hard and cold, i know i have the very real potential to. i want to be the loving, warm person i was meant to be, made to be. i started off in life like that, i'm only cold and distant now because of certain events in my life.
so all i can say is:
i wish you love.
my breaking heart and i, we both agree
that you and i could never be.
not now, not anymore.
so with my very best, i set you free.
set me free.
and most of all,
-i wish you love.
& i love you, i do.
so goodbye.
and this's the end of the story. for real, this time.
to give your heart a song to sing
and then a kiss,
- but more than this
; i wish you love.
and in July a lemonade
to cool you in some leafy glade
i wish you health
and more than wealth
; iwishyoulove.
my breaking heart and i agree,
that you and i could never be
so with my best,
my very best;
- i set you free.
i wish you shelter from the storm,
a cozy fire to keep you warm.
but most of all, when snowflakes fall,
; i wish you love.
*i wish you love/rachael yamagata
no more. i can't go on every week, coming just as i am, but leaving my emotions at the door as i come in. that's not who i am, that's just a shell of me. but what else can i do? i'm doing what i can to preserve my sanity and self. i'm doing what i can to live and function and smile and laugh.
so. that's it. no more. i don't want to turn hard and cold, i know i have the very real potential to. i want to be the loving, warm person i was meant to be, made to be. i started off in life like that, i'm only cold and distant now because of certain events in my life.
so all i can say is:
i wish you love.
my breaking heart and i, we both agree
that you and i could never be.
not now, not anymore.
so with my very best, i set you free.
set me free.
and most of all,
-i wish you love.
& i love you, i do.
so goodbye.
and this's the end of the story. for real, this time.
Friday, March 16, 2007
had lunch with Tri today! went to j8 for sushi then walked around for a bit. ended up buying a pair of shorts. and i tell you, i am appalled at me. i'm an L now! LARGE! omg. i've ballooned from an S to a L in a few short years. utterly horrified, i tell you.
Fridays are always my Trina days now.
a girl needs her best friend in her life, even if both girls are treading different life-paths.
you don't know what the hell you're missing out on. aw, poorthing.
Fridays are always my Trina days now.
a girl needs her best friend in her life, even if both girls are treading different life-paths.
you don't know what the hell you're missing out on. aw, poorthing.
i think sometimes people have a way of distorting the facts. people present facts a certain way sometimes to help them gain the upperhand in a situation or whatever. people take advantage of people all the time too. they do what's best for themselves, often at the expense of someone else. it doesn't matter if the other person is someone dear to them or not.
people seem to be such horrid creatures.
i try to be unbiased. i try to be conscious of what i do. i try to be a good person, basically. and it's so hard, sometimes. i'm tired of always doing the right thing, always trying to do the loving thing even if the unloving thing is what would come so naturally to me. my acerbic tongue hasn't had much target practice lately. i haven't really lashed out at anyone for a long time, i haven't exploded at anyone for a long time either. i haven't stared daggers at anyone for a long time, i haven't dripped poision from an ice-cold facade for a long time either. even if it almost kills me to bite my tongue and watch my actions or temper my words, i do it.
it's so tryingly difficult to want to keep being nice and sweet. it's so tryingly difficult to not succumb to hissy fits and to dissolve into a puddle of tears when certain things piss the hell out of me. i haven't crumbled for a really long time, i haven't let myself.
i hate it when people flick me aside. i have feelings too, you know. i hate it when people discount what i feel to derealise me. i'm a person worth as much as anyone. i hate it when people suddenly decide that they're afraid of letting me into their lives and then suddenly push me all the way out again. what do you take me for? i can't always be here, nice, sweet, patient and loving. do it often again and who knows, i might just turn on my heel one day and disappear from your life forever.
if you're my friend, you're my friend for life. i'll stay with you, loyal and true. even if i do have my independent streak, at the end of the day you should always know i'm here and you'll find me easily if you need me. i'll care for you more than i care for me, and i'll love you so much, sometimes even more than i love me. if you're someone special, you can just imagine how i'll be right there for you. you can just imagine how much crap i'll take from you. and mind you, i'm not one to tolerate nonsense very well. if i tolerate attitude from my friends, it's solely cos they're so dear to me and therefore, i take the shit because i love them. but from people who i don't care quite so much for, i have super low tolerance for attitude. i'll bear with your attitude, i'll more than tolerate your occasional hissy fits, i'll let you throw a tantrum on me. call me a doormat, whatever. but i do that. and if you keep doing the same damn thing over and over again, belittling me and characterizing me as a mere little girl stuck in her own little world, how in hell am i supposed to react and keep mum?
don't put me in a bloody box, dammit. don't stick a tag on me and insist keeping it there even when the label no longer holds true.
trying ain't good enough. you try, you acknowledge. so what if you don't change? so what?
criminals know somewhere in the back of their minds that murdering is wrong. but do they care even if they know it? they don't give a damn.
what do i do? i don't crumble anymore like i used to because there're too many layers of me co-existing at the same time for everything to collectively crumble. i'm a lot stronger now, but at the same time, that's precisely what makes me so much more vulnerable. when you let people into your life, you liable to get hurt. you're showing them the roadmaps to you, and that's how invaders invade. when they know their way around the place, they can do damage, major damage. they know what'll cause the most damage. samething. when you let someone into your life, you're showing the person hidden sides of you that would get hurt very easily.
scream, cry, yell - what's the use?
all i do now is tell God over and over again that i'm so tired of everything unfolding or everything that has unfolded. i'm tired. give me a break, won't you? take the tiredness away, let me find happiness, if only for a while.
the world is so much bigger now. it's no longer all about me me me. i don't mope around 90% of my time feeling sorry for my pathetic state. i spend 90% of my time with people who need me. somehow, amid my own pain, i still have the grace to realise that there're so many others around me who need me, who're hurting too. and while i told a friend last night while i dissolved into tears for the first time in a long time that i can't be anyone's little superhero girl, i know now that that's not what they want of me. people don't need me to change their world for them, even though for some people that would be just the ideal. but i can't. i'm no superhero. i can't save myself, much less all the people dear to me whose lives are not so smooth-sailing now. all these people need is my company, my listening ear, my presence - all small things that i can so freely give.
of course, there's always still time in the day to bitch or think angry thoughts towards people. i'm no angel or saint. i just pray i'll keep having the grace to have the desire to do the right thing, to do the loving thing. to stay where i am amid the storm, calm and unflappable.
sometimes, i think i feel the most upset when i realise my vulnerability in certain situations. everyone has their Achilles heel. i never thought i had one until recently, when i realised what this all was.
people seem to be such horrid creatures.
i try to be unbiased. i try to be conscious of what i do. i try to be a good person, basically. and it's so hard, sometimes. i'm tired of always doing the right thing, always trying to do the loving thing even if the unloving thing is what would come so naturally to me. my acerbic tongue hasn't had much target practice lately. i haven't really lashed out at anyone for a long time, i haven't exploded at anyone for a long time either. i haven't stared daggers at anyone for a long time, i haven't dripped poision from an ice-cold facade for a long time either. even if it almost kills me to bite my tongue and watch my actions or temper my words, i do it.
it's so tryingly difficult to want to keep being nice and sweet. it's so tryingly difficult to not succumb to hissy fits and to dissolve into a puddle of tears when certain things piss the hell out of me. i haven't crumbled for a really long time, i haven't let myself.
i hate it when people flick me aside. i have feelings too, you know. i hate it when people discount what i feel to derealise me. i'm a person worth as much as anyone. i hate it when people suddenly decide that they're afraid of letting me into their lives and then suddenly push me all the way out again. what do you take me for? i can't always be here, nice, sweet, patient and loving. do it often again and who knows, i might just turn on my heel one day and disappear from your life forever.
if you're my friend, you're my friend for life. i'll stay with you, loyal and true. even if i do have my independent streak, at the end of the day you should always know i'm here and you'll find me easily if you need me. i'll care for you more than i care for me, and i'll love you so much, sometimes even more than i love me. if you're someone special, you can just imagine how i'll be right there for you. you can just imagine how much crap i'll take from you. and mind you, i'm not one to tolerate nonsense very well. if i tolerate attitude from my friends, it's solely cos they're so dear to me and therefore, i take the shit because i love them. but from people who i don't care quite so much for, i have super low tolerance for attitude. i'll bear with your attitude, i'll more than tolerate your occasional hissy fits, i'll let you throw a tantrum on me. call me a doormat, whatever. but i do that. and if you keep doing the same damn thing over and over again, belittling me and characterizing me as a mere little girl stuck in her own little world, how in hell am i supposed to react and keep mum?
don't put me in a bloody box, dammit. don't stick a tag on me and insist keeping it there even when the label no longer holds true.
trying ain't good enough. you try, you acknowledge. so what if you don't change? so what?
criminals know somewhere in the back of their minds that murdering is wrong. but do they care even if they know it? they don't give a damn.
what do i do? i don't crumble anymore like i used to because there're too many layers of me co-existing at the same time for everything to collectively crumble. i'm a lot stronger now, but at the same time, that's precisely what makes me so much more vulnerable. when you let people into your life, you liable to get hurt. you're showing them the roadmaps to you, and that's how invaders invade. when they know their way around the place, they can do damage, major damage. they know what'll cause the most damage. samething. when you let someone into your life, you're showing the person hidden sides of you that would get hurt very easily.
scream, cry, yell - what's the use?
all i do now is tell God over and over again that i'm so tired of everything unfolding or everything that has unfolded. i'm tired. give me a break, won't you? take the tiredness away, let me find happiness, if only for a while.
the world is so much bigger now. it's no longer all about me me me. i don't mope around 90% of my time feeling sorry for my pathetic state. i spend 90% of my time with people who need me. somehow, amid my own pain, i still have the grace to realise that there're so many others around me who need me, who're hurting too. and while i told a friend last night while i dissolved into tears for the first time in a long time that i can't be anyone's little superhero girl, i know now that that's not what they want of me. people don't need me to change their world for them, even though for some people that would be just the ideal. but i can't. i'm no superhero. i can't save myself, much less all the people dear to me whose lives are not so smooth-sailing now. all these people need is my company, my listening ear, my presence - all small things that i can so freely give.
of course, there's always still time in the day to bitch or think angry thoughts towards people. i'm no angel or saint. i just pray i'll keep having the grace to have the desire to do the right thing, to do the loving thing. to stay where i am amid the storm, calm and unflappable.
sometimes, i think i feel the most upset when i realise my vulnerability in certain situations. everyone has their Achilles heel. i never thought i had one until recently, when i realised what this all was.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
i've been rather productive the last two days. webcasting on time, doing readings, project readings - quiteee a satisfying feeling, i must say.
but. something's not quite right.
i can't place my finger on what it is, but something just doesn't feel very right in my life. in fact, it's not just not quite right. something feels wrong. i really don't know what it is, but there it is. just a niggling feeling of things not being right in my life at the moment.
like, oh gosh, i don't even know what's wrong with me!
and that just sucks like hell.
maybe it's a little bit of weariness, maybe it's a little bit of confusion, maybe it's a little bit of disillusionment, maybe it's a little bit of wanting to give up and just curl up into a ball in bed, maybe it's just a little bit of everything; idon'tknow.
am gonna sleep early tonight. maybe when i wake tomorrow morning, things will seem as they were last week and the feeling that all will be well will return to me again.
but. something's not quite right.
i can't place my finger on what it is, but something just doesn't feel very right in my life. in fact, it's not just not quite right. something feels wrong. i really don't know what it is, but there it is. just a niggling feeling of things not being right in my life at the moment.
like, oh gosh, i don't even know what's wrong with me!
and that just sucks like hell.
maybe it's a little bit of weariness, maybe it's a little bit of confusion, maybe it's a little bit of disillusionment, maybe it's a little bit of wanting to give up and just curl up into a ball in bed, maybe it's just a little bit of everything; idon'tknow.
am gonna sleep early tonight. maybe when i wake tomorrow morning, things will seem as they were last week and the feeling that all will be well will return to me again.
Monday, March 12, 2007
i'm back in hall!
the room is sofrickingdusty and my nose has been on overdrive ever since stepping in. you know, the thought of not staying in this familiar room next semester when school begins again is kinda unsettling. the thought of not having this room to come back to nap in when i'm tired and wanna skip classes is unsettling.
but then again, the thought of moving back home and cleaning up my room to make it inhabitable once more makes me quite happy too. haha.
finished webcasting the geog lecture i was doing over the weekend when i got back. then went to watch cycle 7 of ANTM.
it's funny, but as i watched the first episode of cycle 7, i felt slightly nostalgic. i don't even know why! it's not as if i've been through the selection process of ANTM or anything. but i dunno, i think it's cos i've watched every single season from 1 to this one, and i've seen 6 selection processes. and i was kinda jealous too, like these girls are so lucky. they get a shot at fulfilling their dream. a real shot.
and as i was watching, i suddenly thought to myself: what if i had to choose between my dream, and the one person that's special to me?
i was talking to God this afternoon before i fell asleep; was telling God how i would give up everything for the one thing i wanted so badly in my life now. i'd forgo wealth, good grades, popularity, recognition. the one thing that didn't cross my mind as i was thinking of all the things i'd give up for the one thing was my dream job.
watching ANTM made me think about it. all the girls reiterate over and over again that modelling is their dream and has been their dream.
would i give up the opportunity to pursue my dream for that one thing? i couldn't answer the question straight away. i was stunned for a while, lost in my own thoughts. but after reflecting and chewing on it for a while, i think that yes, i'd give up once-in-a-life-time opportunities. i would. it's like two equally attractive gifts held out to you, both things you really want. but you can only choose one. do you pick the one you've been wanting since a child? or do you pick the one you've been wanting for not quite as long as that, but long enough - and you know you need it badly?
i'd pick the latter. maybe i didn't know better as a child. maybe i know better now. maybe what i wanted as a child was what i wanted cos it was all i knew?
anyway. i realise that i've added more and more to my prayer life these days. it's odd, but i constantly ask God to surprise me whenever i pray now. because i know he has so many blessings in store for me, blessings that would surprise me if i'd let them, and i want to enjoy them for what they are.
argh my eyes are watery and my nose is severely stuck. i need to air my room for the next week i think. or i'll die from suffocation here.
the room is sofrickingdusty and my nose has been on overdrive ever since stepping in. you know, the thought of not staying in this familiar room next semester when school begins again is kinda unsettling. the thought of not having this room to come back to nap in when i'm tired and wanna skip classes is unsettling.
but then again, the thought of moving back home and cleaning up my room to make it inhabitable once more makes me quite happy too. haha.
finished webcasting the geog lecture i was doing over the weekend when i got back. then went to watch cycle 7 of ANTM.
it's funny, but as i watched the first episode of cycle 7, i felt slightly nostalgic. i don't even know why! it's not as if i've been through the selection process of ANTM or anything. but i dunno, i think it's cos i've watched every single season from 1 to this one, and i've seen 6 selection processes. and i was kinda jealous too, like these girls are so lucky. they get a shot at fulfilling their dream. a real shot.
and as i was watching, i suddenly thought to myself: what if i had to choose between my dream, and the one person that's special to me?
i was talking to God this afternoon before i fell asleep; was telling God how i would give up everything for the one thing i wanted so badly in my life now. i'd forgo wealth, good grades, popularity, recognition. the one thing that didn't cross my mind as i was thinking of all the things i'd give up for the one thing was my dream job.
watching ANTM made me think about it. all the girls reiterate over and over again that modelling is their dream and has been their dream.
would i give up the opportunity to pursue my dream for that one thing? i couldn't answer the question straight away. i was stunned for a while, lost in my own thoughts. but after reflecting and chewing on it for a while, i think that yes, i'd give up once-in-a-life-time opportunities. i would. it's like two equally attractive gifts held out to you, both things you really want. but you can only choose one. do you pick the one you've been wanting since a child? or do you pick the one you've been wanting for not quite as long as that, but long enough - and you know you need it badly?
i'd pick the latter. maybe i didn't know better as a child. maybe i know better now. maybe what i wanted as a child was what i wanted cos it was all i knew?
anyway. i realise that i've added more and more to my prayer life these days. it's odd, but i constantly ask God to surprise me whenever i pray now. because i know he has so many blessings in store for me, blessings that would surprise me if i'd let them, and i want to enjoy them for what they are.
argh my eyes are watery and my nose is severely stuck. i need to air my room for the next week i think. or i'll die from suffocation here.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
went for a run again tonight! i am absolutely determined to get my body in shape. even if my leg muscles ache like CRAP now after the two nights of running - 10k in all, will you believe it! i'm starting to suspect my legs have no muscles anymore, just jelly. i wince when i walk and have to tred super carefully lest my muscles ache even more.
the running and exercising justifies my amazing lunch this afternoon though, i think. had chilli crabs with Tri outside! chilli crabs and hot plate beancurd and rice is one heck of a lunch man. we finished up every scrap on our plates. i have the best food with her, seriously. we just eat and not worry about whether it's too expensive, too fattening, too whatever. i'm so glad we enjoy the same kind of food! like, we have the same idea of what good food is. so our pig out sessions are really that. heh. happy happy times with my bestest girl friend, always. :))
spent the rest of the day at my place studying. well, she was, anyway. i was webcasting this week's new media lecture, and i was struggling to keep awake. but the lecturer was quite funny. she told us about how she deleted 5 of her daughter's contacts from her msn contact list cos some people were emailing her daughter some not-so-proper emails. she made it sound like it was the most natural thing for her to do, as if every mother goes through their daughter's msn contact list and mailboxes to check the content of the emails. must be scary having a new media lecturer as your mother.
and. i went to youtube to see if i could load some episodes of cycle 3 of ANTM, which i am watching now, btw. and guess what?? youtube had deleted ALL THE VIDEOS from the person who i have a subscription to. this girl had uploaded every single episode of every single cycle of ANTM. and they were all gone! imagine my horror and deep distress. thankfully, another person who i subscribe to also has cycle 3 up. so i'm hurrying to finish cycle 3 cos i'm damn scared that youtube will discover this other treasure trove of ANTM episodes and delete everything from her account too. i guess i should have expected it to happen, youtube deleting videos or barring them, anyway, cos of copyright issues. but i never expected them to actually take action, you know what i mean?
so yes. will hurry and watch the remaining episodes of cycle 3 this weekend, AND do geog webcast for this week also. and read my pol science readings.
the running and exercising justifies my amazing lunch this afternoon though, i think. had chilli crabs with Tri outside! chilli crabs and hot plate beancurd and rice is one heck of a lunch man. we finished up every scrap on our plates. i have the best food with her, seriously. we just eat and not worry about whether it's too expensive, too fattening, too whatever. i'm so glad we enjoy the same kind of food! like, we have the same idea of what good food is. so our pig out sessions are really that. heh. happy happy times with my bestest girl friend, always. :))
spent the rest of the day at my place studying. well, she was, anyway. i was webcasting this week's new media lecture, and i was struggling to keep awake. but the lecturer was quite funny. she told us about how she deleted 5 of her daughter's contacts from her msn contact list cos some people were emailing her daughter some not-so-proper emails. she made it sound like it was the most natural thing for her to do, as if every mother goes through their daughter's msn contact list and mailboxes to check the content of the emails. must be scary having a new media lecturer as your mother.
and. i went to youtube to see if i could load some episodes of cycle 3 of ANTM, which i am watching now, btw. and guess what?? youtube had deleted ALL THE VIDEOS from the person who i have a subscription to. this girl had uploaded every single episode of every single cycle of ANTM. and they were all gone! imagine my horror and deep distress. thankfully, another person who i subscribe to also has cycle 3 up. so i'm hurrying to finish cycle 3 cos i'm damn scared that youtube will discover this other treasure trove of ANTM episodes and delete everything from her account too. i guess i should have expected it to happen, youtube deleting videos or barring them, anyway, cos of copyright issues. but i never expected them to actually take action, you know what i mean?
so yes. will hurry and watch the remaining episodes of cycle 3 this weekend, AND do geog webcast for this week also. and read my pol science readings.
Friday, March 09, 2007
i am on a hot body stint. i don't want to be just a skinny bod. i want a HOT BOD. toned muscles, toned tummy, long long long legs (okay, so i can't do anything about the length of my legs now. but at least i can tone them)
ran 4k just now and walked 1k after that just for fun. then did the leg raises that Carol suggested i do everyday to tone my tummy and get rid of the flab, and also did pushups and attempted splits to tone and stretch my thigh muscles.
i feel like swimming tomorrow morning, but i think i won't be able to crawl out of bed to do any physical activity when i get up. i already feel so physically TIRED now after the workout just now. i'm gonna try to run every alternate night and do the leg raise thing and everything else everyday. because i'm not fat per se, just not toned. so the diet thing isn't really like, something i'd do to look better and get in shape. it's more of the state of my muscles etc.
just replied to a flurry of emails and i feel rather accomplished. i've been procrastinating checking my mail cos i dread having to think and do work, but now that i've thought and done work, i feel a lot smarter and better now. think i shall read some pol science before sleeping later. for now, gonna go on ivle on participate in the Japanese studies forum to earn my 10%.
okay! i just did that. i shall post one a night or something, or one every two nights. i dunno.
i was thinking today that even though sometimes i think i'm the smartest girl alive, sometimes i also think i'm just really silly. i don't appear silly, but i do silly things and i know it. and when someone laughs at me for it, i feel upset, of course i do. but i don't get angry with the person cos i know their view does hold water, since i know it as truth myself.
every single night, when i pray, i ask God for the same thing over and over again. without fail. if i were God, i'd be telling me "okay! i heard you the first time and the second time and all the million times after that too. quit it already!"
ha but see, i'm not God and cannot even imagine what it must be like to be him. i'm so impatient with things, while i know God isn't. it's humanly impossible to imagine how patient he can be, cos i could never be such. i tolerate things up to a certain point, then i snap. either by implosion or explosion.
thing is, i know God hears me loud and clear. he hears all of us as though we are talking on the phone with him, one-on-one. every single word i utter from my lips in prayer, every single wish my heart makes, every plea for help i make, he hears and he knows. then we, and i, ask: why isn't God doing anything then? why isn't he helping me, granting my wishes?
what i realise recently is that God isn't a genie. as we all know, (or maybe not), a genie grants 3 wishes its master makes. good wish or not, whether or not the wish is what's best for the master, the genie grants. anything and everything. even if ultimately, the granted wish ends up hurting the master - the genie still grants. God isn't like that. he doesn't grant wishes he knows will cause us harm in the future, even though we cannot see it now. and even if he intends to help me, it may not be a now kinda thing. after all, God's time really isn't my time. we don't operate on the same plane. God doesn't subscribe to the dratted Werkglock, thankfully. he definitely isn't a slave to time, as we all are, bound in our earthly dimension. in fact, God made time! in God's eyes and mind, everything that happened last time, happens now, or will happen next time - they're all in the now for him. no history, no future. that's why God knows everything we're gonna do in our lives. he can see it all, see all the choices we make, see everything.
so anyway. i've digressed terribly. where was i?
ah, yes. God doesn't listen and answer my prayers.
God does listen to my prayers! our prayers. God hears everything we say, loud and clear. then why isn't he answering them? so many reasons why he isn't doing what you want so badly - but does it really matter, all the reasons? all that matters is that God's doing what's best for me, God's doing what he's doing or not doing what i want him to do because he knows that by doing (or not doing) so, i will ultimately be happier than i thought i could be with what i wanted. or maybe not now, since God's time is different from ours. God could wanna do something for me in however many number of tomorrows.
he has infinity in his hands. all the tomorrows don't count for anything in his time.
in his time
in his time
he makes all things beautiful - in his time.
Lord, please show me everyday
as you're teaching me your way
that i do just what you say
in your time.
the beautiful hymn that i loved as a child that makes so much sense to me now as i struggle with accepting God's will for me in my life. God's will mayn't be the easiest path to take. it's taking a lot out of me now to not just scream and die because i'm just so tired. humanly tired. my emotions are on vacation i think, i don't feel anymore. my mind's always active and processing things, rehashing past memories over and over again, but nothing conclusive, always. and my body just needs to sleep and recuperate. but my soul is thirsting for God's will to come through in my life, and no matter how tired my body gets, how long a vacation my heart takes, how annoying active and buzzing my mind becomes, i still yearn for that.
my determination has increased astronomically in recent times. my determination and single-mindedness these days to continue walking in my Lord's footsteps and on his path and not my own carved out one, would have been inconceivable not too long ago. the faith i have that everything will turn out more than okay, the faith i have in my God to do things in his time, that what i ask for in faith - knowing it's what he wants of me - will be given, undoubtedly; i think it's a great gift and grace from God. and the patience and love i still feel, it's amazing. i know it's not because i'm fantastic or because i'm inherently an amazing person - everything emerging is God-given and from God to help me as i struggle on each day. and it's really a struggle, i tell you. to keep wanting to submit to God's will, it's really taking a lot of me, taking a lot of desire to want to suppress my own human nature to take matters into my own hands. and i really praise and thank God for everything he's blessed me with thus far. all the lessons learnt and pain and hurt i went through HAD to be endured for me to become who i am meant to be.
there's still more to come. i know it. it never stops, this moulding process. but am i complaining? no, right now even though my body may be broken and my heart nearly quashed out, i want to rejoice cos i know my God's making me into the person i was born to be. i'm becoming the person he meant me to be from the moment he conceptualised me in the eternity somewhere up there and gave life to me. and every step i take is one step closer to fulfilling my destiny. ohh, how marvellous, how comforting to know that there's his wonderful promise of giving one what one wants, if only one has faith, to look forward to and sustain me each day.
ran 4k just now and walked 1k after that just for fun. then did the leg raises that Carol suggested i do everyday to tone my tummy and get rid of the flab, and also did pushups and attempted splits to tone and stretch my thigh muscles.
i feel like swimming tomorrow morning, but i think i won't be able to crawl out of bed to do any physical activity when i get up. i already feel so physically TIRED now after the workout just now. i'm gonna try to run every alternate night and do the leg raise thing and everything else everyday. because i'm not fat per se, just not toned. so the diet thing isn't really like, something i'd do to look better and get in shape. it's more of the state of my muscles etc.
just replied to a flurry of emails and i feel rather accomplished. i've been procrastinating checking my mail cos i dread having to think and do work, but now that i've thought and done work, i feel a lot smarter and better now. think i shall read some pol science before sleeping later. for now, gonna go on ivle on participate in the Japanese studies forum to earn my 10%.
okay! i just did that. i shall post one a night or something, or one every two nights. i dunno.
i was thinking today that even though sometimes i think i'm the smartest girl alive, sometimes i also think i'm just really silly. i don't appear silly, but i do silly things and i know it. and when someone laughs at me for it, i feel upset, of course i do. but i don't get angry with the person cos i know their view does hold water, since i know it as truth myself.
every single night, when i pray, i ask God for the same thing over and over again. without fail. if i were God, i'd be telling me "okay! i heard you the first time and the second time and all the million times after that too. quit it already!"
ha but see, i'm not God and cannot even imagine what it must be like to be him. i'm so impatient with things, while i know God isn't. it's humanly impossible to imagine how patient he can be, cos i could never be such. i tolerate things up to a certain point, then i snap. either by implosion or explosion.
thing is, i know God hears me loud and clear. he hears all of us as though we are talking on the phone with him, one-on-one. every single word i utter from my lips in prayer, every single wish my heart makes, every plea for help i make, he hears and he knows. then we, and i, ask: why isn't God doing anything then? why isn't he helping me, granting my wishes?
what i realise recently is that God isn't a genie. as we all know, (or maybe not), a genie grants 3 wishes its master makes. good wish or not, whether or not the wish is what's best for the master, the genie grants. anything and everything. even if ultimately, the granted wish ends up hurting the master - the genie still grants. God isn't like that. he doesn't grant wishes he knows will cause us harm in the future, even though we cannot see it now. and even if he intends to help me, it may not be a now kinda thing. after all, God's time really isn't my time. we don't operate on the same plane. God doesn't subscribe to the dratted Werkglock, thankfully. he definitely isn't a slave to time, as we all are, bound in our earthly dimension. in fact, God made time! in God's eyes and mind, everything that happened last time, happens now, or will happen next time - they're all in the now for him. no history, no future. that's why God knows everything we're gonna do in our lives. he can see it all, see all the choices we make, see everything.
so anyway. i've digressed terribly. where was i?
ah, yes. God doesn't listen and answer my prayers.
God does listen to my prayers! our prayers. God hears everything we say, loud and clear. then why isn't he answering them? so many reasons why he isn't doing what you want so badly - but does it really matter, all the reasons? all that matters is that God's doing what's best for me, God's doing what he's doing or not doing what i want him to do because he knows that by doing (or not doing) so, i will ultimately be happier than i thought i could be with what i wanted. or maybe not now, since God's time is different from ours. God could wanna do something for me in however many number of tomorrows.
he has infinity in his hands. all the tomorrows don't count for anything in his time.
in his time
in his time
he makes all things beautiful - in his time.
Lord, please show me everyday
as you're teaching me your way
that i do just what you say
in your time.
the beautiful hymn that i loved as a child that makes so much sense to me now as i struggle with accepting God's will for me in my life. God's will mayn't be the easiest path to take. it's taking a lot out of me now to not just scream and die because i'm just so tired. humanly tired. my emotions are on vacation i think, i don't feel anymore. my mind's always active and processing things, rehashing past memories over and over again, but nothing conclusive, always. and my body just needs to sleep and recuperate. but my soul is thirsting for God's will to come through in my life, and no matter how tired my body gets, how long a vacation my heart takes, how annoying active and buzzing my mind becomes, i still yearn for that.
my determination has increased astronomically in recent times. my determination and single-mindedness these days to continue walking in my Lord's footsteps and on his path and not my own carved out one, would have been inconceivable not too long ago. the faith i have that everything will turn out more than okay, the faith i have in my God to do things in his time, that what i ask for in faith - knowing it's what he wants of me - will be given, undoubtedly; i think it's a great gift and grace from God. and the patience and love i still feel, it's amazing. i know it's not because i'm fantastic or because i'm inherently an amazing person - everything emerging is God-given and from God to help me as i struggle on each day. and it's really a struggle, i tell you. to keep wanting to submit to God's will, it's really taking a lot of me, taking a lot of desire to want to suppress my own human nature to take matters into my own hands. and i really praise and thank God for everything he's blessed me with thus far. all the lessons learnt and pain and hurt i went through HAD to be endured for me to become who i am meant to be.
there's still more to come. i know it. it never stops, this moulding process. but am i complaining? no, right now even though my body may be broken and my heart nearly quashed out, i want to rejoice cos i know my God's making me into the person i was born to be. i'm becoming the person he meant me to be from the moment he conceptualised me in the eternity somewhere up there and gave life to me. and every step i take is one step closer to fulfilling my destiny. ohh, how marvellous, how comforting to know that there's his wonderful promise of giving one what one wants, if only one has faith, to look forward to and sustain me each day.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
i have a shitload of work to do. a shitload of readings to do. a shitload of webcasts to do. i need to do at least 4 a week from now till exams to finish everything.
4 WEBCASTS A WEEK. ONE MODULE'S WEEKLY READINGS A DAY.
no more than one ep of ANTM a day.
and when i turn on the computer, i shall close the screen so i don't get distracted by a million other things other than the readings in front of me. or if i webcast, no other window except for the webcast window.
gogogo Kelly. onward cap anything-higher-than-3.2 and exchange next year.
hall next week again! :( at least for the early part of the week, anyway. i have to start getting lots and lots of work done.
4 WEBCASTS A WEEK. ONE MODULE'S WEEKLY READINGS A DAY.
no more than one ep of ANTM a day.
and when i turn on the computer, i shall close the screen so i don't get distracted by a million other things other than the readings in front of me. or if i webcast, no other window except for the webcast window.
gogogo Kelly. onward cap anything-higher-than-3.2 and exchange next year.
hall next week again! :( at least for the early part of the week, anyway. i have to start getting lots and lots of work done.
reading the latest entry on the rhinos' blog made me think. ha okay you know what, i realise that any one of the million different things i read/hear in a day can make me think. maybe my brain's just too bloody active and maybe i have a longing deep inside to be a know-it-all, a presumption buried deep inside that i know a lot about a lot. or that i think a lot about a lot. i dunno.
anyway.
it was about choice. the entry, i mean. about things that we do in life ultimately boiling down to the choices we make. okay, so i was griping about compartmentalising everything we feel in our lives, separating the intangibles etcetc. but though it might not make sense to me, it just dawned on me that it probably makes perfect sense to the person thinking it. in fact, my logic about the idea of putting things away into a pretty box and shutting the lid to everything, working on the basis of things only being true if we can see them - all these as ludicrous to me - may be just as ridiculous to the other. it's all a matter of perspective. the choices we make all come down to the perspectives we look at things from. from my perspective, you don't just do one thing with your life. doesn't mean that if you wanna do this, then everything else fades into the background and ceases to exist. but maybe from the other person's perspective, you should focus on the one thing that's important in your life. the other things shouldn't be stirred or touched on, simply because now's not the right time to meddle with them. and so, the other issues are put neatly away and not mentioned at all, not even acknowledged until a better time comes.
i've had enough of moping and feeling sad and morose and all the other negative things you can think of. i'm moving on in life, enjoying everyday for what it is and not wishing it to be something i want it to be. i'm living each day for what it is, for the things i do, and not for the things i wanna do or wish i could do.
there'll always be a corner in my mind and heart where ghosts of past and present and future still reside, definitely. where i keep alive that spectre of two happy people hand in hand along the sea, where i can hear whispers that sound like you, perhaps. but when i go about my day to day business, i put a cloth up around all these phantoms and wispy whispers and block them out. i don't see them , they don't bother me, i smile genuinely cos these don't bother me. but sometimes when i let my guard down, the cloth inevitably falls and these shadowy images come out prancing in my head, these whispers in the wind float by my ear and startle me and make me slightly sad. that all these still are alive in me doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to.
i'm starting to accept that maybe they'll always be a part of me, of who i am, a reminder of painful maybes to knock me off my cocky perch sometimes. if God meant me to be like this, it's more than alright with me.
the day when i can set my eyes on these ghosts with a real smile on my face and joy in my heart, that's when i know God has brought me out of the woods by the hand, finally. we - i - walk by faith, and not by sight. and faith's the realization of what is hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). so if i walk by faith, it just means i walk on in life with the utmost trust for God, that what i hope for will be realised.
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real, or take it all away.
ha since he couldn't make it real, he took it all away. why am i whining or even feeling upset then? what i've been imploring him to do, he did. i dunno whether to say thank you or f you. okay no, i have not sworn in my entire life, i have not screamed "f you!" at anyone no matter HOW MUCH they deserve it, because i really think nothing, nothing, warrants that from me.
trust trust trust. don't keep thinking, don't keep mulling. just keep the faith. God's always faithful, don't lose faith.
anyway.
it was about choice. the entry, i mean. about things that we do in life ultimately boiling down to the choices we make. okay, so i was griping about compartmentalising everything we feel in our lives, separating the intangibles etcetc. but though it might not make sense to me, it just dawned on me that it probably makes perfect sense to the person thinking it. in fact, my logic about the idea of putting things away into a pretty box and shutting the lid to everything, working on the basis of things only being true if we can see them - all these as ludicrous to me - may be just as ridiculous to the other. it's all a matter of perspective. the choices we make all come down to the perspectives we look at things from. from my perspective, you don't just do one thing with your life. doesn't mean that if you wanna do this, then everything else fades into the background and ceases to exist. but maybe from the other person's perspective, you should focus on the one thing that's important in your life. the other things shouldn't be stirred or touched on, simply because now's not the right time to meddle with them. and so, the other issues are put neatly away and not mentioned at all, not even acknowledged until a better time comes.
i've had enough of moping and feeling sad and morose and all the other negative things you can think of. i'm moving on in life, enjoying everyday for what it is and not wishing it to be something i want it to be. i'm living each day for what it is, for the things i do, and not for the things i wanna do or wish i could do.
there'll always be a corner in my mind and heart where ghosts of past and present and future still reside, definitely. where i keep alive that spectre of two happy people hand in hand along the sea, where i can hear whispers that sound like you, perhaps. but when i go about my day to day business, i put a cloth up around all these phantoms and wispy whispers and block them out. i don't see them , they don't bother me, i smile genuinely cos these don't bother me. but sometimes when i let my guard down, the cloth inevitably falls and these shadowy images come out prancing in my head, these whispers in the wind float by my ear and startle me and make me slightly sad. that all these still are alive in me doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to.
i'm starting to accept that maybe they'll always be a part of me, of who i am, a reminder of painful maybes to knock me off my cocky perch sometimes. if God meant me to be like this, it's more than alright with me.
the day when i can set my eyes on these ghosts with a real smile on my face and joy in my heart, that's when i know God has brought me out of the woods by the hand, finally. we - i - walk by faith, and not by sight. and faith's the realization of what is hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). so if i walk by faith, it just means i walk on in life with the utmost trust for God, that what i hope for will be realised.
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real, or take it all away.
ha since he couldn't make it real, he took it all away. why am i whining or even feeling upset then? what i've been imploring him to do, he did. i dunno whether to say thank you or f you. okay no, i have not sworn in my entire life, i have not screamed "f you!" at anyone no matter HOW MUCH they deserve it, because i really think nothing, nothing, warrants that from me.
trust trust trust. don't keep thinking, don't keep mulling. just keep the faith. God's always faithful, don't lose faith.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
when i watch america's next top model, i see one beautiful girl being cut from the running, week after week. they get comments like "you don't want this bad enough" or "your eyes are so dead, there's no fire in them."
that got me to looking into the mirror at my own eyes. i wanted to see if they looked dead to people, to myself. the eyes tell all, it seems. your yearnings, your wants, your passion, it's all supposedly seeable through your eyes.
i couldn't see any drive in my eyes, to my charign. i couldn't see any passion or fire. just a pretty pair of brown almond shaped eyes.
and i didn't see hunger in them. you know what i saw? i saw sadness. i saw wistfulness. i saw pain. there was a haunted look about them, in spite of the cheery lashes framing them and the brightness there. why? i'm asking myself why.
the eyes tell a story. when you look into the eyes of a seemingly happy person, sometimes you see the sadness lurking behind. just a quick glimpse, but still, you see it. that's what i saw when i stared into my eyes in the mirror. like, they were happy and bright for a while. then as i looked harder and longer, i realised there was something different. like, a different quality about them. then i realised it was a heaviness that had come over them. a strange quality of heaviness and sadness. then when i blinked, that flash of hurt had gone and hidden behind the brightness again. but i knew it was there. i'd seen it.
i don't want my eyes to convey sadness. i don't want my eyes to convey pain. i'm an optimistic person. i love life. i don't dwell on things for long. why can't my eyes shed off the vestiges of past hurts like how i've told myself i have and shine with hope instead of bottled up bittersweetness?
i'm sad that my eyes show all these. it just shows that some past baggages, you never completely leave behind. i think that when you look into the eyes of an eighty-year-old woman, you'll get completely freaked out. so much you'll see in them. so much pain, so many memories, so much quashed hope, so much fear of what lies beyond this life, just so much. too much.
one of the girls in ANTM said something that made me think.
sometimes you cry cos there's just nothing you can do.
and i think she does make sense. when i know what to do, when i know i can change things, i'll set myself onto doing what i can. but when there's absolutely nothing i can do within my means, when there's absolutely nothing i can do to change anything, the tears come. when you realise you're completely helpless to do anything, when you realise that even the tears won't help, you cry even more.
what do i want to do in life? i want to find happiness. i want to find love. i want to love. i want to bring happiness. i want to lose my inhibitions.
if you asked me why i wanted to do what i want to do, why i want to travel the world as a journalist instead of just staying put where i am in my comfy fishbowl, why i want to do things i couldn't possibly do by staying here, i'd tell you because i want to live. i couldn't be happy here, i couldn't be happy in an office cubicle in front of a computer, i couldn't be happy caught up in the rat race of earning money to pay off loans.
my soci text said something that made me really nod my head and go OH YEAH when i read it. you know what the Werkglock is?
let me tell you. it is the one thing that everyone on this planet lives by. oh, okay, practically everyone in the developed world, anyway. it's the one thing that people wake up in the mornings like clockwork for. it's the one thing that makes people leave perfectly enjoyable situations. it's the one thing that makes people fidgety and impatient about.
it's the bloody clock. it's time.
life for so many has become one cycle after the other of 6am mornings, rushing the kids to school or rushing yourself to school, for that matter, making it for the 10am lecture, the 12pm lecture, the 4pm tutorial, catching the 5.10pm bus, making the 6.15pm evening mass, getting home before 8pm for dinner, switching on the tv at 10pm to watch Desperate Housewives, turning off the lights by 12am so you'll get at least 6 hours of sleep. and when you get up at 6am the next morning again, the whole cycle repeats itself, albeit perhaps slightly differently. but we all have a schedule to adhere to every day.
stifling, isn't it? we've become slaves of the Werkglock. i've become a slave to time. i'm constrained by time, i can't talk to people i wanna talk to because i have no time, i need to do my work by tomorrow. sometimes all i want to do is smash all the clocks in my house and live perfectly unhassled and unharried for just a while, to see how deliciously free life would be like.
we have all allowed the clock to precisely regulate our activites and even our entire lives, and the best thing is that it seems like the most natural thing in the world for everyone. no one rebels against it, no one thinks that clocks cause any harm, no one blinks an eye when someone rushes from one place to another cos "i'm gonna be late".
when i retire, i'm gonna live without a clock in my house. or, if i ever get round to writing my first book, i'll do it without a clock in my room. i'll write when i feel like it, and not be pressured by time constraints to produce one chapter in one hour. when i get married, i'll live the first day as a wife without a clock too. enjoy the company of my husband, just enjoy being together without worrying about the stupid time.
that got me to looking into the mirror at my own eyes. i wanted to see if they looked dead to people, to myself. the eyes tell all, it seems. your yearnings, your wants, your passion, it's all supposedly seeable through your eyes.
i couldn't see any drive in my eyes, to my charign. i couldn't see any passion or fire. just a pretty pair of brown almond shaped eyes.
and i didn't see hunger in them. you know what i saw? i saw sadness. i saw wistfulness. i saw pain. there was a haunted look about them, in spite of the cheery lashes framing them and the brightness there. why? i'm asking myself why.
the eyes tell a story. when you look into the eyes of a seemingly happy person, sometimes you see the sadness lurking behind. just a quick glimpse, but still, you see it. that's what i saw when i stared into my eyes in the mirror. like, they were happy and bright for a while. then as i looked harder and longer, i realised there was something different. like, a different quality about them. then i realised it was a heaviness that had come over them. a strange quality of heaviness and sadness. then when i blinked, that flash of hurt had gone and hidden behind the brightness again. but i knew it was there. i'd seen it.
i don't want my eyes to convey sadness. i don't want my eyes to convey pain. i'm an optimistic person. i love life. i don't dwell on things for long. why can't my eyes shed off the vestiges of past hurts like how i've told myself i have and shine with hope instead of bottled up bittersweetness?
i'm sad that my eyes show all these. it just shows that some past baggages, you never completely leave behind. i think that when you look into the eyes of an eighty-year-old woman, you'll get completely freaked out. so much you'll see in them. so much pain, so many memories, so much quashed hope, so much fear of what lies beyond this life, just so much. too much.
one of the girls in ANTM said something that made me think.
sometimes you cry cos there's just nothing you can do.
and i think she does make sense. when i know what to do, when i know i can change things, i'll set myself onto doing what i can. but when there's absolutely nothing i can do within my means, when there's absolutely nothing i can do to change anything, the tears come. when you realise you're completely helpless to do anything, when you realise that even the tears won't help, you cry even more.
what do i want to do in life? i want to find happiness. i want to find love. i want to love. i want to bring happiness. i want to lose my inhibitions.
if you asked me why i wanted to do what i want to do, why i want to travel the world as a journalist instead of just staying put where i am in my comfy fishbowl, why i want to do things i couldn't possibly do by staying here, i'd tell you because i want to live. i couldn't be happy here, i couldn't be happy in an office cubicle in front of a computer, i couldn't be happy caught up in the rat race of earning money to pay off loans.
my soci text said something that made me really nod my head and go OH YEAH when i read it. you know what the Werkglock is?
let me tell you. it is the one thing that everyone on this planet lives by. oh, okay, practically everyone in the developed world, anyway. it's the one thing that people wake up in the mornings like clockwork for. it's the one thing that makes people leave perfectly enjoyable situations. it's the one thing that makes people fidgety and impatient about.
it's the bloody clock. it's time.
life for so many has become one cycle after the other of 6am mornings, rushing the kids to school or rushing yourself to school, for that matter, making it for the 10am lecture, the 12pm lecture, the 4pm tutorial, catching the 5.10pm bus, making the 6.15pm evening mass, getting home before 8pm for dinner, switching on the tv at 10pm to watch Desperate Housewives, turning off the lights by 12am so you'll get at least 6 hours of sleep. and when you get up at 6am the next morning again, the whole cycle repeats itself, albeit perhaps slightly differently. but we all have a schedule to adhere to every day.
stifling, isn't it? we've become slaves of the Werkglock. i've become a slave to time. i'm constrained by time, i can't talk to people i wanna talk to because i have no time, i need to do my work by tomorrow. sometimes all i want to do is smash all the clocks in my house and live perfectly unhassled and unharried for just a while, to see how deliciously free life would be like.
we have all allowed the clock to precisely regulate our activites and even our entire lives, and the best thing is that it seems like the most natural thing in the world for everyone. no one rebels against it, no one thinks that clocks cause any harm, no one blinks an eye when someone rushes from one place to another cos "i'm gonna be late".
when i retire, i'm gonna live without a clock in my house. or, if i ever get round to writing my first book, i'll do it without a clock in my room. i'll write when i feel like it, and not be pressured by time constraints to produce one chapter in one hour. when i get married, i'll live the first day as a wife without a clock too. enjoy the company of my husband, just enjoy being together without worrying about the stupid time.
Monday, March 05, 2007
it's an established relationship:
the amount of time i spend on youtube increases astronomically whenever a test/exam approaches. i've watched a gazillion things on youtube ever since getting up this morning. in-between studying for soci, i've been loading episodes of ANTM cycle 3 and parts of City of Angels. and also some trailers for Monster and Edward Scissorhands. Charlize Theron is a reaaaaaaaaaaaally good actress. i have the utmost respect for her. she totally uglified herself, completely de-glammed herself, and became a totally different person for her role in Monster.
on a happy note, i'm most probably gonna be moving back home next sem! no more hall i think. number 1, i wanna save money so i can go on my exchange. and number 2, it makes more sense to stay at home when i have to go to church on so many evenings.
and on a completely off-tangent note, i wonder how on earth i'm ever gonna get married to anyone. my social circle isn't expanding, no siree. and i'm so bloody picky.
omgggggg i think when i stay home next sem instead of in hall, i'm going to die. my mother will drive me up the wall, and vice versa. she just barged into my room and glared at me for not turning off some light somewhere again. we should all just install auto-lights in our houses. it'll save many a family from a quarrell or two or five hundred.
STRESSED. i need an A, SO BAD for soci.
the amount of time i spend on youtube increases astronomically whenever a test/exam approaches. i've watched a gazillion things on youtube ever since getting up this morning. in-between studying for soci, i've been loading episodes of ANTM cycle 3 and parts of City of Angels. and also some trailers for Monster and Edward Scissorhands. Charlize Theron is a reaaaaaaaaaaaally good actress. i have the utmost respect for her. she totally uglified herself, completely de-glammed herself, and became a totally different person for her role in Monster.
on a happy note, i'm most probably gonna be moving back home next sem! no more hall i think. number 1, i wanna save money so i can go on my exchange. and number 2, it makes more sense to stay at home when i have to go to church on so many evenings.
and on a completely off-tangent note, i wonder how on earth i'm ever gonna get married to anyone. my social circle isn't expanding, no siree. and i'm so bloody picky.
omgggggg i think when i stay home next sem instead of in hall, i'm going to die. my mother will drive me up the wall, and vice versa. she just barged into my room and glared at me for not turning off some light somewhere again. we should all just install auto-lights in our houses. it'll save many a family from a quarrell or two or five hundred.
STRESSED. i need an A, SO BAD for soci.
i also discovered something else quite funny.
i can wink with my right eye, but have a lot more trouble winking with my left eye!
picture-proof below.
see, i can wink with my right eye and look perfectly happy while doing it..
i can wink with my right eye, but have a lot more trouble winking with my left eye!
picture-proof below.
see, i can wink with my right eye and look perfectly happy while doing it..
but when i wink with my left eye, my smile becomes so much more forced and the left side of my lip curls up too! 
cool eh? ha. i'm such a thoroughly right-handed and right-sided person.
am in the midst of cooking lunch for Carol now and am just waiting for the milk and water to boil before i pour the macaroni in.
i was thinking about my feelings before going to sleep last night.
you know, the view i used to hold, that i could categorise all my emotions and name them all precisely, recognise the place they held in my heart and know why i felt that way - that view is too naive.
i've learnt that it's impossible to compartmentalise my feelings. i can't separate some feelings from others, as much as i would like to.
i can't rationalise what i feel, as much as i would like to. why do i love somebody? out of the so many millions of people i could potentially fall in love with, why someone in particular? especially when there seems to be no more reasons left to love that person, when there seems to be more reasons to hate than to love.
why do i still love somebody when that person has no time for me, has no interest in pursuing a relationship now, says so adamantly that no, now's not the time, i don't have time.
that last line, no, now's not the time, i don't have the time - don't we say it to God so often? don't we often tell God that no, i don't have the time for you today, i want to concentrate on my work, i want to focus on the people i love, i want to use my precious energy to do the other things i deem so much more important. i don't have time for you God, i'm too tired and i don't have the energy to want to keep up or cultivate my relationship with you. yes, even though i know you love me so much, i don't have time for you. not now.
if i could compartmentalise everything i felt, i'd separate the soft illogical feelings from the hard logical facts and base everything i felt on what i know. if i could separate what i felt based on what i know i should be doing now, i'd be so odd. like, hmmm i know i like you very much, i care for you very much, but because i also know that now's not the right time for a relationship, all i feel for you is nullified and doesn't exist.
feelings aren't rendered completely non-existential just because they don't coincide with what i think i ought to be doing now right? you can't put them into a pretty box and hide it all away and deny the existence of the box. maybe you can put it all into a box and say, yeah, i'll put all these in the box for now. i know they exist, i'll come back to them one day. but for now, i'll close the box so i don't get detracted from what i have to do.
well. just Kelly's musing for the day. i'm not upset or anything, happily enough. just had that bit of thoughts float into my head, wrestled with them for a while, then will put them aside for now. into a pretty box that i'll close the lid to, into a pretty box that i'll come back to one day when the time's right to revisit things that i don't deny exist.
for now, onward cap 4.8 and exchange in 2008! gonna continue reading my soci textbook in a while. skipped an entire day of school today cos i felt weak and woozy and crampy. i can see the A i'm gonna get for the soci test tomorrow.
i was thinking about my feelings before going to sleep last night.
you know, the view i used to hold, that i could categorise all my emotions and name them all precisely, recognise the place they held in my heart and know why i felt that way - that view is too naive.
i've learnt that it's impossible to compartmentalise my feelings. i can't separate some feelings from others, as much as i would like to.
i can't rationalise what i feel, as much as i would like to. why do i love somebody? out of the so many millions of people i could potentially fall in love with, why someone in particular? especially when there seems to be no more reasons left to love that person, when there seems to be more reasons to hate than to love.
why do i still love somebody when that person has no time for me, has no interest in pursuing a relationship now, says so adamantly that no, now's not the time, i don't have time.
that last line, no, now's not the time, i don't have the time - don't we say it to God so often? don't we often tell God that no, i don't have the time for you today, i want to concentrate on my work, i want to focus on the people i love, i want to use my precious energy to do the other things i deem so much more important. i don't have time for you God, i'm too tired and i don't have the energy to want to keep up or cultivate my relationship with you. yes, even though i know you love me so much, i don't have time for you. not now.
if i could compartmentalise everything i felt, i'd separate the soft illogical feelings from the hard logical facts and base everything i felt on what i know. if i could separate what i felt based on what i know i should be doing now, i'd be so odd. like, hmmm i know i like you very much, i care for you very much, but because i also know that now's not the right time for a relationship, all i feel for you is nullified and doesn't exist.
feelings aren't rendered completely non-existential just because they don't coincide with what i think i ought to be doing now right? you can't put them into a pretty box and hide it all away and deny the existence of the box. maybe you can put it all into a box and say, yeah, i'll put all these in the box for now. i know they exist, i'll come back to them one day. but for now, i'll close the box so i don't get detracted from what i have to do.
well. just Kelly's musing for the day. i'm not upset or anything, happily enough. just had that bit of thoughts float into my head, wrestled with them for a while, then will put them aside for now. into a pretty box that i'll close the lid to, into a pretty box that i'll come back to one day when the time's right to revisit things that i don't deny exist.
for now, onward cap 4.8 and exchange in 2008! gonna continue reading my soci textbook in a while. skipped an entire day of school today cos i felt weak and woozy and crampy. i can see the A i'm gonna get for the soci test tomorrow.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
omg once a month every single month without fail, i remember why i wish i weren't female. but the good thing about getting cramps every month faithfully is that i can appreciate the months when the cramps aren't as bad, i can thank God for giving me a relatively easier day to bear, i can smile when i realise the next day is relatively pain-free.
it makes one empathise with suffering so much more. especially if one was born relatively privileged with, not quite a silver-spoon in one's mouth, but with nice enough metal spoons.
sometimes when life goes quite nicely for me, i tend to forget about people whose lives aren't quite as smooth-sailing. i think God gives me a monthly day of recollection, sorta, to remember the people who hurt, the people who don't have things so easy.
and since today i was supposed to lead worship with Mel, i had even more to endure than usual. but God is indeed good and faithful. he really answers the prayers of those who have faith and trust in him.
"Have faith in God. Amen, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it shall be done for him. Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours."
-Mark 11:22-24.
God can make the impossible possible, if only we'd let him. if i believe completely in God, the mountain blocking me WILL throw itself into the sea if i command it to, because God will lift it for me. impossible? possible. because i believe God can and will.
after everything's been said, done, and put aside, i feel so much older and changed, somewhat. i feel like i've aged a few years in the last few months, my perspective on things have been remoulded quite drastically, the way i approach things has been reshaped. i don't hide behind polished facades so often anymore, because with God by my side, it's not a facade i'm putting up. i'm becoming more staid, more stable, more peaceful, more confident, more myself.
all of twenty years old and i feel like i'm never gonna fall in love with anyone else ever.
tell me how not to feel old when these overwhelming feelings of absolutes keep coming to mind?
never say never, i know. never even think never, cos never is not a word in God's vocab.
dying to one's own human nature is possibly the hardest thing to do.
okay gonna sleep again, after sleeping right through dinner till 10. cramps give me the excuse to just behave in an extremely pig-like manner for an entire day and just sleep entire days away.
it makes one empathise with suffering so much more. especially if one was born relatively privileged with, not quite a silver-spoon in one's mouth, but with nice enough metal spoons.
sometimes when life goes quite nicely for me, i tend to forget about people whose lives aren't quite as smooth-sailing. i think God gives me a monthly day of recollection, sorta, to remember the people who hurt, the people who don't have things so easy.
and since today i was supposed to lead worship with Mel, i had even more to endure than usual. but God is indeed good and faithful. he really answers the prayers of those who have faith and trust in him.
"Have faith in God. Amen, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it shall be done for him. Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours."
-Mark 11:22-24.
God can make the impossible possible, if only we'd let him. if i believe completely in God, the mountain blocking me WILL throw itself into the sea if i command it to, because God will lift it for me. impossible? possible. because i believe God can and will.
after everything's been said, done, and put aside, i feel so much older and changed, somewhat. i feel like i've aged a few years in the last few months, my perspective on things have been remoulded quite drastically, the way i approach things has been reshaped. i don't hide behind polished facades so often anymore, because with God by my side, it's not a facade i'm putting up. i'm becoming more staid, more stable, more peaceful, more confident, more myself.
all of twenty years old and i feel like i'm never gonna fall in love with anyone else ever.
tell me how not to feel old when these overwhelming feelings of absolutes keep coming to mind?
never say never, i know. never even think never, cos never is not a word in God's vocab.
dying to one's own human nature is possibly the hardest thing to do.
okay gonna sleep again, after sleeping right through dinner till 10. cramps give me the excuse to just behave in an extremely pig-like manner for an entire day and just sleep entire days away.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
i have big plans for me.
special term during the holidays to clear modules so i'll have a lighter load in my final year. was initially thinking of doing 2 modules, but on second thought, i think i'll just do 1 - either theories in communication management or intro to psychology.
then there's the exchange i'm planning to go for in my 3rd year. either australia or US. gotta work hard, both in my school work AND to earn money. cos it's gonna cost!
AND there's the internship i'm trying to get at mediacorp or SPH. i'm pretty serious about wanting to do journalism, so i think it's time i started planning.. so with the internship (hopefully), special term, and possibly work during the holidays, it looks as if it'll be a busy 3 months for me.
good lah. i need to start cultivating some drive.
special term during the holidays to clear modules so i'll have a lighter load in my final year. was initially thinking of doing 2 modules, but on second thought, i think i'll just do 1 - either theories in communication management or intro to psychology.
then there's the exchange i'm planning to go for in my 3rd year. either australia or US. gotta work hard, both in my school work AND to earn money. cos it's gonna cost!
AND there's the internship i'm trying to get at mediacorp or SPH. i'm pretty serious about wanting to do journalism, so i think it's time i started planning.. so with the internship (hopefully), special term, and possibly work during the holidays, it looks as if it'll be a busy 3 months for me.
good lah. i need to start cultivating some drive.
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