i think sometimes people have a way of distorting the facts. people present facts a certain way sometimes to help them gain the upperhand in a situation or whatever. people take advantage of people all the time too. they do what's best for themselves, often at the expense of someone else. it doesn't matter if the other person is someone dear to them or not.

people seem to be such horrid creatures.

i try to be unbiased. i try to be conscious of what i do. i try to be a good person, basically. and it's so hard, sometimes. i'm tired of always doing the right thing, always trying to do the loving thing even if the unloving thing is what would come so naturally to me. my acerbic tongue hasn't had much target practice lately. i haven't really lashed out at anyone for a long time, i haven't exploded at anyone for a long time either. i haven't stared daggers at anyone for a long time, i haven't dripped poision from an ice-cold facade for a long time either. even if it almost kills me to bite my tongue and watch my actions or temper my words, i do it.

it's so tryingly difficult to want to keep being nice and sweet. it's so tryingly difficult to not succumb to hissy fits and to dissolve into a puddle of tears when certain things piss the hell out of me. i haven't crumbled for a really long time, i haven't let myself.

i hate it when people flick me aside. i have feelings too, you know. i hate it when people discount what i feel to derealise me. i'm a person worth as much as anyone. i hate it when people suddenly decide that they're afraid of letting me into their lives and then suddenly push me all the way out again. what do you take me for? i can't always be here, nice, sweet, patient and loving. do it often again and who knows, i might just turn on my heel one day and disappear from your life forever.

if you're my friend, you're my friend for life. i'll stay with you, loyal and true. even if i do have my independent streak, at the end of the day you should always know i'm here and you'll find me easily if you need me. i'll care for you more than i care for me, and i'll love you so much, sometimes even more than i love me. if you're someone special, you can just imagine how i'll be right there for you. you can just imagine how much crap i'll take from you. and mind you, i'm not one to tolerate nonsense very well. if i tolerate attitude from my friends, it's solely cos they're so dear to me and therefore, i take the shit because i love them. but from people who i don't care quite so much for, i have super low tolerance for attitude. i'll bear with your attitude, i'll more than tolerate your occasional hissy fits, i'll let you throw a tantrum on me. call me a doormat, whatever. but i do that. and if you keep doing the same damn thing over and over again, belittling me and characterizing me as a mere little girl stuck in her own little world, how in hell am i supposed to react and keep mum?

don't put me in a bloody box, dammit. don't stick a tag on me and insist keeping it there even when the label no longer holds true.

trying ain't good enough. you try, you acknowledge. so what if you don't change? so what?

criminals know somewhere in the back of their minds that murdering is wrong. but do they care even if they know it? they don't give a damn.

what do i do? i don't crumble anymore like i used to because there're too many layers of me co-existing at the same time for everything to collectively crumble. i'm a lot stronger now, but at the same time, that's precisely what makes me so much more vulnerable. when you let people into your life, you liable to get hurt. you're showing them the roadmaps to you, and that's how invaders invade. when they know their way around the place, they can do damage, major damage. they know what'll cause the most damage. samething. when you let someone into your life, you're showing the person hidden sides of you that would get hurt very easily.

scream, cry, yell - what's the use?

all i do now is tell God over and over again that i'm so tired of everything unfolding or everything that has unfolded. i'm tired. give me a break, won't you? take the tiredness away, let me find happiness, if only for a while.

the world is so much bigger now. it's no longer all about me me me. i don't mope around 90% of my time feeling sorry for my pathetic state. i spend 90% of my time with people who need me. somehow, amid my own pain, i still have the grace to realise that there're so many others around me who need me, who're hurting too. and while i told a friend last night while i dissolved into tears for the first time in a long time that i can't be anyone's little superhero girl, i know now that that's not what they want of me. people don't need me to change their world for them, even though for some people that would be just the ideal. but i can't. i'm no superhero. i can't save myself, much less all the people dear to me whose lives are not so smooth-sailing now. all these people need is my company, my listening ear, my presence - all small things that i can so freely give.

of course, there's always still time in the day to bitch or think angry thoughts towards people. i'm no angel or saint. i just pray i'll keep having the grace to have the desire to do the right thing, to do the loving thing. to stay where i am amid the storm, calm and unflappable.

sometimes, i think i feel the most upset when i realise my vulnerability in certain situations. everyone has their Achilles heel. i never thought i had one until recently, when i realised what this all was.