louder louder, the voices in my head.

i am in the midst of rewriting my Hedda Gabler essay now. just cooked maggi for myself cos my gastric was acting up. haven't eaten anything the whole day save for a little rice for dinner. CRAMPS. yucks. my period's early this month, though.

period updates aside..


was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.

it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.

here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.


that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.

every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.

but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.

tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".

sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.


it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.


louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.

you were smiling.

kelly clarkson/haunted.

the most disgusting opinion piece

i've just read the most disgusting opinion piece i've seen in a long time in the Newpaper.

"Stay out of my Facebook, dad." by Liew Hanqing. it's in the bitchaboutcorner section - very aptly named i must say but this has been one of the nastiest pieces i've seen in a long time.

since it's such a nasty piece of work, i have no qualms abt putting the author's name in digital print either. i was contemplating emailing her abt her horrid piece but decided against it. free speech, after all. AND, it's an opinion piece. AND the section's named bitchaboutcorner already, so i've been duly warned.

BUT. i want to bitch about it myself here cos it struck me as so yucks. this woman proudly stated that she threw a hissy fit to get her father off Facebook cos "Facebook belongs to my generation - not my parents'."

"I wouldn't want to log into my Facebook account, only to find my Dad has written on my wall... It would just be too embarrassing."

how utterly childish. it stunned me, frankly speaking. what's so embarrassing abt having your dad write on your wall? if my dad wanted to get in touch with my generation and decided to set up a facebook account, and if he decided to write on my wall, i'd think it's the sweetest thing ever. the whole "i don't wanna do things my parents do cos it ain't cool" idea she was writing about is so ludicrous, and just plain juvenile. if you're worried about how "cool" you are solely based on the differentiation between your generation and your parents', then you have my condolences. it'd just appear that you never grew up and out of the "too-cool-for-thou" stage.

while reading the article and eating my noodles, i couldn't keep down my feeling of gross indignance and disgust.

"We don't want to be Facebook friends with senior citizens." - supposedly the name of a facebook group according to our bitchaboutcorner author.

i think these people don't realise that they'll be 'senior citizens' one day themselves, sooner rather than later, and their oh-so-sweet children will come up with "cool" groups that have names that reek of senior citizen discrimination. if this author thinks that her point of view has been validated by the existence of such childishly named groups on facebook, i'd think she is very sorely mistaken because the existence of such groups do not prove anything except that some people on facebook are just gerascophobic, narrow-minded, and still think that they'll remain young forever.

i recognise this author's right to free speech, and hence the right to express her opinions - no matter how much of an ill-taste they leave in my mouth.

but at the same time, i can't help but wish the Newpaper didn't print something like that. it just reinforced my opinion that the Newpaper prints nothing but trash and is good for nothing except the extensive sports pages.

and darling author, facebook isn't of your generation. you belong to the generation of friendster. the facebook generation are the secondary school children who'll have grown up using facebook and facebook only.

a lot of growing up and feeling comfortable in your own skin is needed, it would seem. Singapore is getting full of adults who haven't really grown up but are still feeding on childish notions of "cool" and "uncool".

deluge of essays

i am in a veritable state of panic over my lit essay right now. it's in disgusting shape and doesn't seem to have much hope of shaping up within the next 4 days.

and the japanese studies term paper..


omg kill me please. all these essays are driving me absolutely insane.

another bout of indecisiveness

just came back not too long ago from Lynette's grandma's wake. i know she probably isn't alright right now (the loss of a loved one is hard to bear, especially as one grows older), but i hope she'll be alright in time.. i think as a child, the concept of grief isn't as clear and easy to grasp as compared to when you are an adolescent or an adult. feelings of loss, of pain, of grief, become more pronounced with age as we're able to articulate them and name them, understand the reasons behind them and feel outrage at the existence of such misery in the world to begin with.

as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.

i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.

before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.

then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)

checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.

i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.

so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?

but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.

ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.

and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.

i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.

my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.

this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.

i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?

okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).

que sera, sera.

i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.


okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.

hedda gabler

i'm doing some research for my lit essay on Hedda Gabler which is due next Thurs. no, scratch that. i'm actually reading some of my research for the essay! which is extremely rare, cos i tend to just print a lot of nonsense out to comfort myself that i've actually done something, when i haven't really done anything but use paper and give environmentalists even more reasons to hate me than they already do. (excessive use of aircon, blatant paper lover, long hot showers, manymany lights turned on in my room at one go, eating of meat - you get the picture..)

before i begun reading, i was thinking like, how to link violence, beauty and art - 3 very abstract concepts by themselves - in one woman, Hedda Gabler? sure, i had some vague idea of how each of these concepts manifest themselves in Hedda, courtesy of the many lit lectures and tutorials i've sat through. but to squeeze them all into a 1500word essay required some common point to develop all my ideas from. i'm thinking of using Hedda's notion of Dionysian ideals to bring across all these concepts - which emcompasses her obsession with vineleaves in Lovborg's hair, her behaviour towards Thea, and the final, cumulative act of her suicide - the beautiful death, or so she sees it. the entire play in itself is a portrait of Hedda the character, a work of art in the detailed sketch of Hedda presented.

ahh, something along these lines. so messy! and i hope no one decides to kop my idea for the essay from here, though i doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore! heh. but if passers-by who're doing the same lit mod do chance upon this blog and decide that they're rather good ideas (highly unlikely, i'd think), i think it'd be my own bloody fault in the first place right. ha.

okay, anyway. i'm thirsty. i just went downstairs for a supper of muffins and milk. i think the effects of the milk is wearing off cos i'm starting to feel thirsty! my mom's been telling me not to consume too much dairy products lately cos apparently, there's a link between consumption of dairy products and breast cancer. well, knowing my love for almost all things dairy
- i love cheese in copious amounts, i always ask for extra milk in my milkshakes, i eat macaroni and cheese with slabs of butter boiled in, my porridge always has chunks of butter melting inside, i love yoghurt, yakult, and milo-with-fresh-milk, i like my chocolates milky, and the list goes on -
it's gonna be tough to listen to her and take her advice.

on a totally random note, my pyjama pants are slipping off my ass. i suspect there's no more rubber in them. time to get new pyjama bottoms, it seems!

and i really wanna re-do my blogskin. i know what kinda layout i already want, but i have no time to sit and do it. i still have my Ridge article due (i suspect it's kinda overdue already actually), and a sort-of-presentation of my japanese studies term paper on the portrayal of ijime and its effects in the film All About Lily Chou-Chou. dunno why i chose it also, now come to think about it. i'm not even that interested in bullying in Japan, i should've chosen a film about fashion there or something.

anyway. i shall look for photos for my next layout, and read another article of Hedda Gabler before going to bed. lots and lots to do each day these days!

financial times, anyone?

i've been hearing a lot abt articles from Financial Times in my soci lectures ever since day one. and i've been wondering where i can get these for free (cos i don't wanna take out a subscription, since i'll only be needing to read them for the exams.)

i know biz has copies available for free, but at extremely early hours of the day only.
does anyone know where else i can get the FT? =D

and ohmigosh why in the world does mediacorp need soci majors to fill their internship positions??? the positions sound so good! and being a communications and new media major, i'm not allowed to take it up?? wthhhhh. the cnm internship available sounds so blah compared to the ones offered to the soci majors.

i am jealous!!!

a spot of indecisiveness.

i can't decide which of these 3 pretty pairs of birks to get!

my safe side says get the black one cos it's the most matchable. but i love the raspberry in patent and the cherry red ones too, so.. i dunno!

or maybe.. i shouldn't even get any! sighhhh i can't decide.

not like blogging abt it has helped me make up my mind like that. hmph.

kimi raikkonen

how do i love thee, let me count the ways!



1) i had the luxury of catching an extended nap the entire afternoon! from 11am to 1230pm, then 2pm to 6pm. i felt like a cat! lazy and totally careless about work.

BONUS: i managed to do 3 of my gazillion readings in the time i was actually awake! i was SO proud of myself, seriously. amazed at my ability to do work even with all the time put into sleep.



2) scrumptious crab dinner at Serangoon! since daddy's birthday is tomorrow - oh, today, rather! - we had a lovely super huge feast of crabs! crab soup beehoon and butter crabs - it made me a really happy girl. forget the chocolate to put me in a good mood, crabs work with this girl, i tell you. :)



3)
this gorgeous specimen of a man!
Kimi Raikkonen is the winner of the world championship this year, and it's been OVERDUE I TELL YOU! ever since i saw his hotness and oh-so-wonderful visage almost 5 years ago now, i decided that he would be the driver i supported and i'm so glad he's won! :)))
the Sao Paolo race was uber good, extremely exciting, and it could have been any one of the 3 who won - Kimi, Lewis Hamilton, or Fernando Alonso - but Kimi came out tops, Alonso 3rd, and Hamilton 7th, and KIMI WON THE OVERALL CHAMPIONSHIP!


which means his pretty mug will be splashed on the sports pages of the papers tmr, AND on sports sites! prettiness should not be hidden.





i had a thing for blond, blue-eyed men.
OR, dark haired, beautiful men.
Alan Smith and Kimi Raikkonen fall into the former group, Johnny Depp, Josh Hartnett and well, Johnny Depp fall into the latter group. oh, and Jon Jonsson who won Manhunt a couple of years ago, the male version of antm.

then came the Japanese/Korean craze, and some singer from this Japanese boyband Tokio became my pin-up, alongside Lee Byung-Hun then subsequently Kwon Sang-Woo.


okay so this is totally off-tangent and i had no intention of detailing my taste in men here. but as it is, talking abt Kimi Raikkonen led to that, so.. heh.

i should've been born overseas man. there's no way i'll ever meet people who look like that in Singapore. alright well done Kelly, you've managed to make yourself out to sound like some superficial little airhead.


tomorrow, you shall all forget that i ever blogged abt this! heh.

right i shall attempt to do one last reading before going to sleep. the effects of the prolonged nap this afternoon are still lingering, anyway.



KIMI! =D i wish i were Finnish!





reading newspapers on the sidewalk
driving your car,
strumming your guitar.

dinner blues

okay i hate it when i rush back for something - for nothing. it makes me feel like i've been taken for a ride, which i cannot stand. my family tends to do this A LOT, which grates on my nerves increasingly as i grow older and more impatient, and time seems to become money.

rushed back from zj just now cos my dad said we were gonna have a good dinner before tuition, since session ended early. when i got home, mom and Carol were sleeping, so no one wanted to go anywhere and i was like OKAY.

so here i am sitting in front of my laptop waiting for dad to buy dinner home (yawn, boring), before heading for tuition. okay so maybe i shouldn't be so whiney abt things like that. live and let live, eh. baaaahhh.

alright i shall try to read another article for js before going for tuition. oh crap i just remembered that i haven't marked Shermaine's compre yet! i am so scatter-brained these days.

Jules' birthday dinner!

came back a while ago from Jules' birthday dinner cum drinking session! had the loveliest piece of steak for a long while at this place in United Square called Bungalows or something, then headed over to Grapevine for a couple of drinks. non-alcoholic for me, thanks, since i was gonna have to drive myself home.

had a good chit-chat with the girls around tonight! Chels, Olivia, and Jules, of course! many things we talked about, some of which got me thinking a little deeper for a while.
but i've abandoned those thoughts for now cos i'm frantically trying to get some reading done tonight before flopping into bed. i'm lagging so terribly, and i've had no motivation to do any work at all this entire week - hence the bad lag. :( my own fault, really. bah.

i'm multi-tasking, though! while doing some reading, i also put on a pore pack on my nose. for two reasons! to get rid of those rather annoying blackheads that have invaded my beautiful face, AND get a thrill of satisfaction rush through me when i see the deep-rooted irritating little blackheads uprooted from my nose pores. haha. but really, i feel so happy when i see the blackheads on my porepack. i feel cleaner and well, cleaner.

it seems like this whole topic of lying, hypocrisy, and goodness has come up again during one of the conversations tonight! i remember being prompted to think more abt it after a stimulating lit tutorial a couple of weeks ago, when the titular character of Sula was decried by one of the students in class as 'evil' because she was brutally honest. so a debate ensued abt whether it's 'bad' to be completely, cuttingly honest when you know it's gonna hurt the other person when you are honest, and 'good' to be somewhat not-so-honest when you want to protect the person from the truth cos it'll hurt.

i dunno, i'm still thinking abt it. have been thinking abt it, among many things lately.

i'm still satisfiedly full from the steak dinner! :) i can go to bed satisfyingly full and unhungry tonight for the first time in many nights. my stomach juices seem a lot more active at night. must be cos of my owlish habits.

blogger is irritating

omg blogger is bloody annoying. there i was happily typing away when my finger waved over the mouse pad on my laptop and i got directed to the page before this, and my post got wiped out! not once, TWICE OKAY! this is the THIRD time i'm typing and i've lost the desire to blog about whatever i was blogging out before already. stupid programming of blogger. seriously. so much for "Now Blogger saves your drafts automatically!" bullshit.

okay i'm going to sleep since my blogging-drive has dipped after the stupid thing wiped out my posts just like that.

Of the Sweetly Familiar, Of the Red-on-White.
It's like the scent of:
Freshly cut grass floating through my window.
Sweet-smelling jasmine blooms in the night air.
Vaseline in the summer time.
Baby powder on my skin.
Hot lunch cooking in the pot.
Nail polish remover.
Freshly laundered bedsheets.
Cloying magnolias in the park.
Palmolive lavender shower foam.
Lotus petal body cream.
New leather.
Issey Miyake on skin.

Wafting through the air,
unmistakeable.
Imprinted too deeply,
unforgettable.
Sweetly familiar,
instantly recognisable.

It's like the sight of:
The delicate wing of an iridiscent butterfly, torn.
A bright yellow dahlia bloom, trampled on the sidewalk.
Beautifully painted and glossy nails, chipped.
Strawberry-topped ice-cream, melting in the grass.
A pretty, sparkly crystal glass, cracked in the centre.
A rainbow in monochrome.
A fabulous Gucci bag with a coffee stain.
A dying electric blue dragonfly in the lamp.
A white moth, burnt to crisp by the allure of a candle flame.
Blood shed by a hunted baby elephant seal on its snow white fur.
Ribbons of viciously shredded muslin dancing in the wind.
Angry scars on an innocent, beautiful child.
Red welts on white, alabaster skin.
A factory in the green countryside.

Lurking in the threshold of memory,
crossing the line to reality.
Distorting black into grey,
and black is no more, - but white.

Hitler: "we want to be a peaceable people."
- in one of his speeches filmed by Leni Riefensthal, the controversial German film director who made Triumph of the Will, the film most widely said to be the best propaganda film to this date.

she is really so funny, she's extremely diva-ish and argumentative. she argues with everyone - the director, the interviewer, the cameraman, everyone!

and Hitler's nose is HUGE! i couldn't help noticing it in the film.
today's soci lecture is damn slack. just this film entitled The Wonderful Horrible Life of Leni Riefensthal. i like lectures like that. =D

random bit of information for the day: the cow who donated her antibodies to create the smallpox vaccine - her name was Blossom.

just heard from Trina that this is what she learnt in lecture today! heh. besides the cow's name, they also learnt who the milkmaid who milked Blossom was (Sarah), and the name of the boy who got injected with the vaccine (i've forgotten).

nm quiz tomorrow morning! was talking to Trina just now for an hour and forgot the time as we were yakking away! sigh. better finish soon cos i have to wake up early tomorrow morning. :( i hate Tuesday morning classes. they're nonsense. the only reason why i'm waking up for class tomorrow morning is cos it's a QUIZ.

and i never thought i'd hear myself say this, but i HATE drivers who drive at 80km/h on the first lane and not bother. i mean, coming from me - the tamest of all the drivers among my friends - that's pretty much. like hello, if you want to cruise at 80km/h on the highway, do it on the second lane, thanks. let me speed.

i also hate tailgaters who tailgate me when i'm driving at 100km/h. can they not read their speedometer on their dashboards?? it's dangerous to go beyond 100km/h, friend. have you heard of road accidents? they tend to happen when you speed too much.

essay deadlines looming in the horizon! i'm falling behind on my readings again, and i have a ton of research to do for my term papers. the old brain is lazy to think and produce work.
thank goodness for the car the for the next 2 weeks! it's bought me an extra hour of sleep each day and let me zip around to find dinner/lunch/shopping.

studyyyyyyyyyy!

I've been bogged down my work lately. I actually woke up at 5.30am this morning to make it for my 8am class so that I could use the time between then and my next class at 3pm to watch a film for my js module. Which, I would never come early to school to watch anyway. So it makes perfect sense to come for class and do work till 3pm. It took damn a lot of willpower to will myself out of bed this morning and will my legs to move out of the house, though. I really had to steel my mind and stop myself from doing what I physically wanted to do, which was to crawl back into bed and sleep till 12pm.

My eyes were glazing over as I was watching the film this morning in front of the tv screen. Tokyo Story. It was supremely hard to watch, I must admit. The pace was sooooooo bloody slow and there was practically no storyline, I was in pain sitting there for those 136min. Tried to do some of my readings after watching the film, and I only managed to read all of one article before falling asleep on my table for the next hour.

I can't believe I've managed to last till now! I'm sitting in the LT now waiting for lecture to start.

I'M GONNA WATCH ANOTHER FILM AFTER THIS LECTURE!!

I must be neurotic. Sigh. Endless flow of things to do, and my brain's already falling asleep, but no choiceeeee. Omg, if the film later is in black and white again, I'll scream. I'm NOT a big fan of black and white movies anymore.

Gonna be driving to school for the next 2 weeks or so! Saves me a lot of time and inconvenience! Yay!

And I'm so glad I came for lecture today! My lecturer just announced that there's gonna be a take-home question to prepare for the final exams. Which is gonna be a compulsory question for the final exam. Lectures for this module canNOT be skipped, today just proved that.

My post today is so inane that I want to cry as I type this. I'm just typing whatever comes off my head but reading everything I've just typed, it just shows that there's nothing very much in my brain at the mo'.

Okay okay. Note-taking time. I'm looking forward to a good sleep tonight when I get home. I'm bushed.

today has just been one of those pms-y days. my lit test was crap - i completely busted the definitions section. i am demoralized, frustrated, and terribly dissatisfied. how could i have copped out on the 10 marks worth of definitions? i had like, 1 or 2 marks for the entire section only. which just dragged my entire score down. bloody hell. it's 25-fricking-percent of my grade and i am seeing that A fly further and further away. unless i can pull a perfect A+ grade for my term paper.

and i'm frustrated with my life.

reading Hedda Gabler made me realise that i'm very much like Hedda, very much not cut out for married life or motherhood. i want my freedom, i don't want to be squeezed into someone else's preconstruction of what i should be. even in a marriage, i'd want my freedom, my space, my self, but that contradicts the crux of the sacrament of marriage - that man and wife are joined and they become one. i can't live for someone else, and i foresee myself hating my children if ever because they've taken over my life. yes, supremely selfish thoughts, i know, so go ahead and stone me for that, why don't you.

but seriously, i'm starting to realise how important my freedom is to me, living true to myself is to me, and how my personal space is so crucial to me being able to live as a free woman. i couldn't live as someone's wife, wishing i weren't. i can see it now. i can't live with someone expecting me to be someone, do something, fill a certain role. the weight of the expectations would weigh on my ankles like a iron ball and keep me imprisoned and so suffocated. and kids. oh my gosh, where do i even start with them. the moment you give birth to one, his/her life begins, and yours sort of ends, usually. you become so-and-so's mom. you work for money to bring so-and-so up. you sacrifice your physical well-being for so-and-so's health. all the sacrifices, i just don't think i'm magnanimous, big-hearted, and even capable of making them without bearing any semblence of grudge.

i'm so afraid i'll be too afraid to break out of my constructs and live out the rest of my life wishing i had. and at the same time, i'm afraid of the judgement people around me will levy on me, cos i know it won't be pretty. i'm afraid of my own selfishness, it's so consuming. and yet, i'm afraid of hating the people around me who i love too much to walk out on, hanging on to the status quo because i love him or her, but unable to really live because i need to be free.

i need love in my life, definitely, but i'm wondering now: is it possible to be smothered by love? people who love you so much that they pour and lavish it over you until you're practically gasping for some air? i'm thoroughly confused cos i remember the bible says something about love being able to set free. at the same time, love isn't possessive. but all the world's standards of love seem to be so... possessive. with the passion comes the need for possession, and that's when all the rest of the 'love isn't's come into play - you become jealous, you start to hold on tighter to what you think is 'yours', you become self-servng. and yet someone once told me that love between a couple in a relationship isn't like the love described in the bible?? er, i'm starting to think that love between two people in a relationship HAS to be like the love described in Corinthians, or it's not gonna work out.

argh i'm so confused!

on one hand, i do recognise my need to find my freedom eventually, break away from my constructed life, roles, expectations and everything else. on the other hand, i do recognise that it's contrary to what Christian teachings are - that you don't seek to find yourself because it's only the person who loses his life in Christ that finds it. so in my quest to find my elusive freedom, i'm finding myself, which is wrong! my mind's in a total whirl now and i wish i could reach into my brain and manually use my hands to sort out all the jumbled-up thoughts.

i'm in a relationship, yes.
i want this to work out, yes.
i need my space, yes.
i'm not getting enough space now, yes.
i need my freedom, yes.
searching for me is wrong, yes.

wtf?? that's just a whole bunch of oxymorons i just inputed above!

am i like Hedda - no one truly understands me because no one understands my need to break free, and so i'm seen as selfish and cold? i can't say that i'm able to transcend the thoughts of others, like how it's supposed to be in Hedda Gabler in the case of Hedda - because i understand that not everyone needs their freedom, space, and individuality as badly or as fiercely as i do. if they don't even need it, then how am i any better than these people by needing it, know what i mean?

i guard my personal space very jealously, i realise. and i think if this doesn't change, i'm not likely to get married to anyone. who wants a wife who needs time 'alone' at the home that both people share? it's a preposterous proposition, and i know it. and so, i recognise that unless i change, or someone who is able to love me with the space and freedom that i need, i'm not gonna be getting married to anyone.

i had a discussion in my js tutorial on Monday about the film Twenty-Four Eyes, and someone said that the show's about partings. the show is sad because it focusses on partings. and after thinking about what she said, i think she's right.

to me, partings represent an end. granted, it mayn't be The End, but it's definitely an end to something. and i hate saying goodbyes. especially those goodbyes that aren't said but are felt, i hate them. i find it the hardest to say goodbye to the ones i love the most. and so, you just don't say them. i just don't say them.

i think partings are especially hard for those people who see a part of themselves in the person that they're parting with. it's like detaching a part of yourself for good and letting it go. it's not cos you're like the person or cos you're bosom buddies, but some people just unknowingly hold bits of your identity with them because of the experiences you've both been through, the instances your eyes have met and you see yourself reflected back at you - they're all in the person. it doesn't scare me, knowing that a lot of my identity is reflected back to me by the people around me. it saddens me, though, cos every goodbye you say to one of those people who hold a part of you takes away a bit of yourself and you can feel that emptiness in you.

i've been having the strangest dreams ever, these days. they all revolve around a similar cast of characters, but different situations. but i wake up feeling the raw emotions in me, i wake up and can still feel the feel of a touch lingering on my skin, i wake up and can almost feel the tears in my eyes, i wake up and can still feel the warmth - it's freaking scary. i wonder if i'm going nuts because my dreaming life seems more real than my waking one. do dreams reflect what you truly want inside, or are they the unlikelies in your life coming to life at night in your head? are they suppressed waking wants that only find a life in the theatre of your mind at night because you don't allow them to even breathe in your waking life? or they could just mean nothing, you know. just... dreams.

sometimes i wonder if my soul comes to life in the dreaming world with all the other souls who're dreaming too and live their realities on a dreamplane. which would make the life of my soul as real as mine. which would then make reality a matter of perspective.

if that were the case, that'd be pretty darn scary cos if my dreams are anything to go by, my soul and i live very different lives, have very different truths, and basically choose different paths. but i must say that my dream self does seem a whole lot braver, bolder, and more honest than my waking self could ever be.

the sun can't remember how to shine.
& the colours all have faded into shades of grey.
there's no life in this hollow heart of mine,
ever since you went away.
close your eyes, & feel me hold you.
can you lead me through this ordinary world?
let the sky cry restless rain -
to wash away the miles between us,
cos without you, it's just an ordinary world.
if time could find a way to turn around,
i would walk along the stars,
till i was back at your door.
every word is spoken, but without a sound,
& i found out what my heart is for.
ordinary world/Katharine McPhee

it's been dunno how many 13782918271891 million years since i've blogged, i haven't had time to do much with my life these days. the term break's just zipped by me like that and what did i do in it? read my eyeballs out, spent one day in SGH's a&e, a couple of days feeling ill... and thinking a lot, i suppose. even nowadays i haven't exactly been feeling very well. either the dust in my room is collecting again, my nose is becoming too sensitive again, or i'm ill again.

sighhhh. i wish i had more than 24 hours in a day. i'm so tired but i have so much to do tonight!

pick my brains for a quickie, why don't you. and i feel the cramps coming again to irritate the hell out of me this month.

ahaha i sound like i have fluff in my brain now. =P