today has just been one of those pms-y days. my lit test was crap - i completely busted the definitions section. i am demoralized, frustrated, and terribly dissatisfied. how could i have copped out on the 10 marks worth of definitions? i had like, 1 or 2 marks for the entire section only. which just dragged my entire score down. bloody hell. it's 25-fricking-percent of my grade and i am seeing that A fly further and further away. unless i can pull a perfect A+ grade for my term paper.

and i'm frustrated with my life.

reading Hedda Gabler made me realise that i'm very much like Hedda, very much not cut out for married life or motherhood. i want my freedom, i don't want to be squeezed into someone else's preconstruction of what i should be. even in a marriage, i'd want my freedom, my space, my self, but that contradicts the crux of the sacrament of marriage - that man and wife are joined and they become one. i can't live for someone else, and i foresee myself hating my children if ever because they've taken over my life. yes, supremely selfish thoughts, i know, so go ahead and stone me for that, why don't you.

but seriously, i'm starting to realise how important my freedom is to me, living true to myself is to me, and how my personal space is so crucial to me being able to live as a free woman. i couldn't live as someone's wife, wishing i weren't. i can see it now. i can't live with someone expecting me to be someone, do something, fill a certain role. the weight of the expectations would weigh on my ankles like a iron ball and keep me imprisoned and so suffocated. and kids. oh my gosh, where do i even start with them. the moment you give birth to one, his/her life begins, and yours sort of ends, usually. you become so-and-so's mom. you work for money to bring so-and-so up. you sacrifice your physical well-being for so-and-so's health. all the sacrifices, i just don't think i'm magnanimous, big-hearted, and even capable of making them without bearing any semblence of grudge.

i'm so afraid i'll be too afraid to break out of my constructs and live out the rest of my life wishing i had. and at the same time, i'm afraid of the judgement people around me will levy on me, cos i know it won't be pretty. i'm afraid of my own selfishness, it's so consuming. and yet, i'm afraid of hating the people around me who i love too much to walk out on, hanging on to the status quo because i love him or her, but unable to really live because i need to be free.

i need love in my life, definitely, but i'm wondering now: is it possible to be smothered by love? people who love you so much that they pour and lavish it over you until you're practically gasping for some air? i'm thoroughly confused cos i remember the bible says something about love being able to set free. at the same time, love isn't possessive. but all the world's standards of love seem to be so... possessive. with the passion comes the need for possession, and that's when all the rest of the 'love isn't's come into play - you become jealous, you start to hold on tighter to what you think is 'yours', you become self-servng. and yet someone once told me that love between a couple in a relationship isn't like the love described in the bible?? er, i'm starting to think that love between two people in a relationship HAS to be like the love described in Corinthians, or it's not gonna work out.

argh i'm so confused!

on one hand, i do recognise my need to find my freedom eventually, break away from my constructed life, roles, expectations and everything else. on the other hand, i do recognise that it's contrary to what Christian teachings are - that you don't seek to find yourself because it's only the person who loses his life in Christ that finds it. so in my quest to find my elusive freedom, i'm finding myself, which is wrong! my mind's in a total whirl now and i wish i could reach into my brain and manually use my hands to sort out all the jumbled-up thoughts.

i'm in a relationship, yes.
i want this to work out, yes.
i need my space, yes.
i'm not getting enough space now, yes.
i need my freedom, yes.
searching for me is wrong, yes.

wtf?? that's just a whole bunch of oxymorons i just inputed above!

am i like Hedda - no one truly understands me because no one understands my need to break free, and so i'm seen as selfish and cold? i can't say that i'm able to transcend the thoughts of others, like how it's supposed to be in Hedda Gabler in the case of Hedda - because i understand that not everyone needs their freedom, space, and individuality as badly or as fiercely as i do. if they don't even need it, then how am i any better than these people by needing it, know what i mean?

i guard my personal space very jealously, i realise. and i think if this doesn't change, i'm not likely to get married to anyone. who wants a wife who needs time 'alone' at the home that both people share? it's a preposterous proposition, and i know it. and so, i recognise that unless i change, or someone who is able to love me with the space and freedom that i need, i'm not gonna be getting married to anyone.