i had a discussion in my js tutorial on Monday about the film Twenty-Four Eyes, and someone said that the show's about partings. the show is sad because it focusses on partings. and after thinking about what she said, i think she's right.

to me, partings represent an end. granted, it mayn't be The End, but it's definitely an end to something. and i hate saying goodbyes. especially those goodbyes that aren't said but are felt, i hate them. i find it the hardest to say goodbye to the ones i love the most. and so, you just don't say them. i just don't say them.

i think partings are especially hard for those people who see a part of themselves in the person that they're parting with. it's like detaching a part of yourself for good and letting it go. it's not cos you're like the person or cos you're bosom buddies, but some people just unknowingly hold bits of your identity with them because of the experiences you've both been through, the instances your eyes have met and you see yourself reflected back at you - they're all in the person. it doesn't scare me, knowing that a lot of my identity is reflected back to me by the people around me. it saddens me, though, cos every goodbye you say to one of those people who hold a part of you takes away a bit of yourself and you can feel that emptiness in you.

i've been having the strangest dreams ever, these days. they all revolve around a similar cast of characters, but different situations. but i wake up feeling the raw emotions in me, i wake up and can still feel the feel of a touch lingering on my skin, i wake up and can almost feel the tears in my eyes, i wake up and can still feel the warmth - it's freaking scary. i wonder if i'm going nuts because my dreaming life seems more real than my waking one. do dreams reflect what you truly want inside, or are they the unlikelies in your life coming to life at night in your head? are they suppressed waking wants that only find a life in the theatre of your mind at night because you don't allow them to even breathe in your waking life? or they could just mean nothing, you know. just... dreams.

sometimes i wonder if my soul comes to life in the dreaming world with all the other souls who're dreaming too and live their realities on a dreamplane. which would make the life of my soul as real as mine. which would then make reality a matter of perspective.

if that were the case, that'd be pretty darn scary cos if my dreams are anything to go by, my soul and i live very different lives, have very different truths, and basically choose different paths. but i must say that my dream self does seem a whole lot braver, bolder, and more honest than my waking self could ever be.

the sun can't remember how to shine.
& the colours all have faded into shades of grey.
there's no life in this hollow heart of mine,
ever since you went away.
close your eyes, & feel me hold you.
can you lead me through this ordinary world?
let the sky cry restless rain -
to wash away the miles between us,
cos without you, it's just an ordinary world.
if time could find a way to turn around,
i would walk along the stars,
till i was back at your door.
every word is spoken, but without a sound,
& i found out what my heart is for.
ordinary world/Katharine McPhee