i could stay awake, just to hear you breathing.
watch you smile while you are sleeping,
while you're far away, dreaming.
i could spend my life in this sweet surrender
i could stay lost in this moment forever.
every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure.

don't want to close my eyes
i don't want to fall asleep,
cos i'd miss you, babe,
and i don't wanna miss a thing
cos even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i'd still miss you, babe.
and i don't wanna miss a thing.

lying close to you, feeling your heart beating.
and i'm wondering what you're dreaming
wondering if it's me you're seeing
then i'd kiss your eyes
and thank God we're together.
i just want to stay with you in this moment forever.
forever, and ever.

don't wanna close my eyes
i don't wanna fall asleep
cos i'd miss you, babe.
and i don't wanna miss a thing.
cos even when i dream of you,
the sweetest dream will never do
i'd still miss you, babe.
and i don't wanna miss a thing.

i don't wanna miss one smile
i don't wanna miss one kiss.
i just wanna be with you
right here with you, just like this.
i just wanna hold you close.
feel your heart so close to mine
and just stay here in this moment
for all the rest of time.

i'd miss you, babe,
and i don't wanna miss a thing.

don't wanna close my eyes
i don't wanna fall asleep,
i don't wanna miss a thing.

i am on the brink of the bliss of after-exam freedom. it's knocking on my door, i can hear it rapping louder and louder!

ONE MORE BLOODY PAPER ON MONDAY AND I'M DONE! yaaaaaaaay!

pity the one more bloody paper i have left is heavy, possibly the heaviest of the lot. my readings for geog alone are as much as two modules' readings. oh well! i just sat for the japanese studies paper - 50 mcqs, was done in half an hour. then spent the next half an hour checking my answers and playing tricks on my own mind, thinking and rethinking possibilities. then when i couldn't take it anymore, when i was sick of thinking about things that i didn't really know anyway (who is considered to be the God of Japanese anime? -wth?), i got up and left! in and out of the exam hall in an hour, well done man. yesterday's new media paper also, done in an hour. i mean, for mcq papers, you either know it or you don't, no point sitting there checking and rechecking and rechecking for 2 hours. but yesterday's new media paper threw up a nasty surprise! we were told it was gonna be an mcq paper - when i got there the coverpage mentioned something about 6 short answer questions. i swear, my heart just stopped for that split second. i didn't study to answer any short answers. ie, i did minimal studying. rah.

whatever, i shall not think about the papers that are over.

and i am feeling anti-social this afternoon so i signed myself out of msn, made myself unavailable over gmail chat, shut myself up in my room with the air-con turned on, blasted the music on my itunes, and am gonna read some harry potter fanfics AND play a bit of sims2 before getting back to studying.

no mood to study right now.

dad's coming back for lunch! i want to eat hotplate beancurd for lunch. :)

oh but i think i need to start losing a bit of weight. Clem so very nicely pointed out in the week that he realised i had a double chin and thought like "hmm, i didn't know Kelly had a double chin" ie. i didn't realise Kel was so fat. yeah man, i didn't know either. i was utterly appalled, to put it very mildly. so. in three months, i will lose weight and tone my body. i am back on my quest for a hot body.

Kelly is back and raring to blind the world with her gorgeousness again heh. no more bochap attitude about her looks, she's back to sizzle. =D

hahaha. how drama-mama eh. but truth be told, i had been out of sorts for the last month or so, but that period's over i think. throwing my energies into studying for the exams have made me see things in perspective, see that the world's actually not that dark a shade of gloomy blue but it seemed like that only cos i forgot to take off my Paris Hilton-esque sunglasses.

it doesn't matter if someone doesn't like you, it just can't be helped. things like that are beyond your control, i can't make you love me, and much like how God doesn't force us to love him unless we want to ourselves.

and when someone doesn't like you not cos of things you lack or less-than-desirable traits in you, but simply because you're not some other person (the object of the-person-whom-you-like's desire), there isn't anything to mope about or beat yourself up over anymore. come on, the world is round, it's not square. it's full of all types of people - hot babes, sweet things, ah lians, trashy vamps, and a dozen other types of girls still unmentioned. if i'm a sweet thing but you happen to like ah lians, the only reason why you don't like me is not cos i'm annoying or i'm too stupid or anything, but it's cos i'm not an ah lian.

so? get over it then. why cheapen yourself and lower yourself to other standards just cos that person likes that kind of standard? be the Kelly you were meant to be lah. God made me to be a sweet thing, not an ah lian. if i have to become an ah lian for you to like me, then it's not right already. being someone i'm not just to experience some notion of 'love' is not something i'd do, not anymore.

go on, you deserve better. if boyA likes ah lians, let him have his bloody ah lians. if boyB likes his hot babes, let him have his hot babes. when you meet boy? who likes Kellys just as they are, you've struck gold and that's when it's right in God's eyes. :)

life's tough, life doesn't always give you what you want with all your heart, but when life gives you a bloody lemon, don't just stare at it. for heaven's sake, make some lemonade, then the lemon would have been put to good use. that's when life becomes cool.



it's just you and me,
and all of the people, with nothing to do
with nothing to lose.
it's just you and me,
and all other people,
and i don't know why
- i can't keep my eyes off you.

all of the things that i wanna say just aren't coming out right,
i'm tripping on words.
you've got my head spinning,
i don't know where to go from here.

it's just you & me.

in the middle of reading Marx for pol science tomorrow, i suddenly remembered to collect my new media project and decided to go get it. (okay i cheat, Clem helped me get it cos he was in arts collecting his paper too)

lucky i remembered about it okay!

i think we just might have gotten an A! :))


23/25 = A?? perhaps!


we got marked down for leaving out our survey form in the annex. and the biblio. well. heh whatever.


i'm getting bought over by Marx's argument. i feel slightly sheep-like and brainwashed.

a dictionary.com search for the word "dialectic".


dialectics, the arguments or bases of dialectical materialism, including the elevation of matter over mind and a constantly changing reality with a material basis.


dialectics are the arguments of bases of dialectical materialism? um, right.



and cos i'm doing pol science and the word "dialectic" appeared in my pol science notes, i decided to look at Hegelian dialectic, and this is what i get:

an interpretive method, originally used to relate specific entities or events to the absolute idea, in which some assertible proposition (thesis) is necessarily opposed by an equally assertible and apparently contradictory proposition (antithesis), the mutual contradiction being reconciled on a higher level of truth by a third proposition (synthesis). '

i dunno if i'm too stupid to understand it or if it's just that it's un-understandable.

and i spent half the night watching Paris Hilton music videos on youtube and i must admit she's pretty good at what she does. she's slightly R-rated, but i can see how people think she's hot and the next best thing discovered after Britney Spears. i used to abhor her, but i gotta admit the girl knows how to make money with what she has.

oh and as a completely random point of interest, i painted my nails again yesterday.





i present to you....


my nails.

no longer hot pink, but a lovely shade of purplish-pink.

i'd paint my nails a different colour every day except for the fact that i think i might make better use of the one hour spent painting and drying my nails doing exam-related stuff.

i am in absolutely no mood to study anymore. soci exam was B-able. it's something i'd scream and whine about if i got anything lower than a B for cos the questions were so easy. like, completely spottable.

i wanna watch antm now but like, youtube removed most of it already. boo to youtube.

and i want to take a nap.




FRUSTRATED and bored out of my mind.

soci exam tomorrow!! or today, since the timestamp of this entry is gonna be Monday already.

i am veritably dead.

i've only done like, 4 chapters? 5, kind of? sociological imagination, culture, religion, families and deviance.

too frazzled to blog properly. i can foresee the rest of my papers being somewhat like that too. BLOODY HELL MAN.

I'M MISSING OUT ON THE BANGKOK TRIP TO DO BADLY FOR MY EXAMS. wthhhhhh. rah.

waking up at 7am tomorrow to shower and get a good breakfast. have to wake some of my neighbours up too. this week can't be over too soon, seriously. everyday like that and i can die.

i can't wait to order my Sims2 expansion online or play final fantasy on my ps2 or eat chili crabs with Tri or Mel or whoever'll eat with me. i can't wait to have a life again.
and this is gonna sound freakish, but i can't wait to read my lit books for next sem during the holidays.

school's turning my personality into mush too!

i was reading my soci textbook about global inequality when this popped out at me.

"the average cow in a rich country is supported by 3 times the level of income of a poor person in Africa."

what the hell right. the world is going to the dogs - how a cow can be supported by more money than a human being; 3 times more, at that, is completely beyond me.

i say, give the cows to the poor people and give them both money.

like, less talk and more action about removing inequality between countries in the world!
talk comes cheap. talking about making the world a more equal place but forcing poor countries to cough up more than 4 times their annual GDP in the form of interest incurred from loans ain't gonna help in their development. sometimes it puzzles me how politicans can be so... duh.

i'm no law school student, rocket scientist, or whatever. but simple things like that, i get. most politicans and world leaders are eloquent, brainy men. 'nuff said ha. i think if the world was run by women, maybe poverty would be eradicated at a much faster pace.


rahhhh sociology is turning my brain into mush.



give me the taste, give me the joy of summer wine
these are the days that bring new meaning
i feel the stillness of the sun;
- and i feel fine.
sometimes when the nights are closing early,
i remember you,
and i start to smile.
even though now, you don't want to know me,
i get on by;
and i go the extra mile.

these are the days of love and meaning,
ice of the heart has melted away,
and found the light.
these are the days of endless dreaming,
troubles of life are floating away,
like a bird in flight.




life's good, even in the midst of exams. God loves me, i know it more than ever, and everything's falling into place somewhat.
i'm no longer discontent, no longer disgruntled. about anything. impatience has drained out of me, i'm so Zen-like these days i think.

when i can feel the stillness of the sun, when i can hear the tiny whisper of God's spirit in my heart, when i can smile at memories past, when i can look on from the peripherals and feel fine - i know all will be fine in due course. when i know God has a plan for me even though i don't really know the exact details of the plan, and sometimes the macro-view of the plan's a little foggy too, and i can still place my trust and faith in His hands, it's good.
hmm i think i'm growing up. all of nineteen and a bit - you'd be surprised at how different i am from my 17 or 18 year old self from a year or two ago.

i think if i met my 17 year old self, i'd give me a good rattle to shake myself to my senses. if i met my 18 year old self, i'd give me a few tight slaps for similar reasons.

these are the days.

i feel the stillness of the sun,
and i feel fine.


there's such a lot of life to look forward to. :)

i could be the world's first influential female political figure. i'd put a stop to the nonsense of spending more on my cows or goats or sheep or whatever, and use the money on the poor in Africa instead.

i just spent half an hour blog-surfing, sitting on my chair breathing, listening to a high soprano singing, and just existing.

soci exam is on Monday.

i have read only half a chapter since waking up at 11am this morning. and i slept for 2 hours in the afternoon.

BAD GIRL KELLY. one more week of mugging hell - you can do it!

without looking like a grass-cutter.

and the one and only time you'll see me making a peace sign jap schoolgirl style...

is during exam time cos i dunno why, but i take crazy spastic pictures during exam period.

minus the overkill of cuteness lah, don't worry, cos even when my brain's half-dead with swallowing notes and textbooks, i still can't force myself to ooze that kinda odd kawaii-ness, even if i tried.

it's more like this kinda spastic-ness that i can manage.

it's funny how i manage to find excitement in the midst of my supremely dull and drab exam study period.



imagine okay, the last whole week, i've been holed up in the biz library from 9am to 9.45pm with the church people - Chels, Stef, Pun, Clem and Dan. sleeping at 2am and trying my darndest to wake up by 8am. Clem's been giving Chels and i wake up calls every single morning - and still i failed to wake up 2 of the mornings.



i've been SO TIRED.



and have taken to sleeping in the library.



so imagine my surprise when i woke up from my afternoon nap on Thursday to hate mail on my laptop screen - in bright red, no less!

t'was the first thing i saw when i woke up and started up my computer again cos it'd gone into hibernation. that was how long i napped okay.

all because of this:

HOT PINK NAILS!

and the wonderful Pun who typed that loving message on my laptop. :)

for some reason, my nails really annoy the hell out of the guys. i dunno why. i came back home today and my mom also flipped over them. are they that horrendous? hmm. ohwell! i spent one hour doing them on Monday night, so i think i'll leave them on for a while more. or else, all the effort spent will be gone, just like that.

and. i also had a randomly strange msn convo with Mel on Thursday. once again, in the library. we were talking about eating plans, and this was what was born out of it:

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
because the chili will make me excited. i am an easily excitable girl.

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
i am also broke

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
shall we go crabbing tonight then?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
then we can eat our crabs tmr.

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
ok. but i need to study.

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
oh wait we also have to pluck chili

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
shall you crab on my behalf.

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
i think you're smart enough already.

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
oh i thought we have to like grow the chili plant first

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
oh yah. shall we grow one today so we can eat for next sem?

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
ok. then do we have to like nurture the crabs too?

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
like from little baby crabs.

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
so we can eat next year?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
hmm maybe.. but what if we forget to feed the crabs?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
they'll eat each other

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
then we won't have any to eat anymore.

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
let's just get adult crabs

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
and let them eat chili plants

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
and put them in boiling water after? :D

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
oh i have a brilliant idea!

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
if they eat chili

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
for their whole lives,

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
they'll be naturally hot right?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
so no need to cook in chili already!

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
maybe they will self combust and become chili crabs?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
just eat straight like that

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
oh so smart! great minds think alike

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
shall we present our theory in a thesis?

/mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
fantastically brilliant.

mel. 4th floor chiobus (:
for which module may i ask?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
er. food science 101?

kelly* the truth is what you want to see
okay lah dump your marketing already lah. we can set up a business and be rich by 26

blah blah blah we went, on and on about crabs and our toyboys (which i will not divulge here ha).

and Stef never lets me live this down: "Is Lenin the father of Stalin?"

a brilliant question i asked her in the middle of pol science lecture at the most opportune moment - when our lecturer had stopped talking and there was momentary silence in the LT. after which Stef Fong burst out in annoyance "You guys are talking very loudly." i think the "Is Lenin the father of Stalin" question was what did us in, actually. she probably couldn't believe her ears, and neither could the rest of the 80 people in lecture.

okay i shall go continue reading soci now. i am reading about how families are declining and divorces are increasing. i wonder if i'm ever gonna get married cos there's thing called the Marriage Market Squeeze, where women are getting increasingly educated. which wouldn't be a problem in itself, except that men seemingly like stupid women, as evidenced by their preference to marry a lower-educated woman. women are smarter, they like smart men. probably because they know that a smart man will be able to give them money to spend. so. since more women are getting educated and the number of men getting educated aren't increasing, less and less women are getting married to Singaporean men. and Singaporean men have to go to Vietnam or China to find uneducated women to marry.

like huh right. perfectly wonderful, beautiful specimens of womankind like me aren't gonna get married because i'm too smart. poor me.

7 easy steps to turn a girl off:

1. message her after 2 years out of the blue about problems she never knew existed.
2. sound sad and pathetic and get her to say "oh dear, do you wanna talk about it?"
3. talk about your girlfriend problems like a bullet train.
4. ask her how come she's not attached - "after all, it's not as though you're horrendously horrible looking"
5. tell her "don't worry, guys like inner beauty - i'm sure you'll find someone who can overlook your lack of outer beauty".
6. say very apologetically "i hope you don't mind me being so honest and straightforward."
7. tell her that her sister is very pretty and "really ah, what happened to you? like really really?"




like, really really, shuddup already?


guys like that should go for a How To Make Friends 1101 basic course, or they should just all disappear from the face of the earth.

"it's okay if you don't have outer beauty. some guys like ugly girls."


it's okay if you don't have a brain. some girls like stupid guys with money.

a day to blog in songs again.


a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
i won't tell no one your name.
i think about you all the time,
but i don't need the same.
it's lonely where you are; come back down.
i promise i won't tell them your name.

do you wake up on your own,
and wonder where you are?
you live with all your faults.
i wanna wake up where you are
i won't say anything at all.
why don't you let it slide?


bane of my existence, this is. ragh.
2 more weeks till the end of the exams and i can enjoy flopping around doing nothing for a day or two. i miss not doing anything.

i have drawn up a battle plan to save my ass for this sem.

if i can finish half of it, i'm good. :)


my major gripe in life now is how girls cannot aim into the toilet bowl. you'd think that girls are clean pee-ers, since all they have to do is plonk their asses on the toilet seat and pee.
but no. many girls forget that toilet seats were created for them to rest their asses on when they use the toilet. and then they claim that they don't sit on the seats cos they're dirty.

the only reason why the toilet seats get dirty is cos people like you hover over the seat and drip pee all over when you don't aim properly. duh.

bloody hell lah.

after a week of bad toilet experiences, i suddenly felt the need to vent about lousy girl toilet users. things were created for a reason. toilet seats were created to keep pee in the toilet bowl and no where else. asses were created for us to sit on. let's all do our part in promoting a considerate and clean Singapore by using things by their appropriate and given functions.

my day in point form since i'm too frazzled and panicky and whatever to blog in proper sentences.


- woke up at 11am to find that mom was at home.
- had lunch with her.
- took a bus to Serangoon and Mario called while on the bus offering a lift to nus since Clem was driving down. my lucky day!
- left my umbrella on the bus.
- studied in a seminar room for the first time. highly highly distracting practice cos of the unnecessity of silence.
- spent the entire day reading one stupid article on political culture. OMG. started to panic.
- learnt how to write an essay off Clem. to try to get that A if i manage to cover enough material for the exams.
- painted my nails hot pink to make myself feel good about the next week. mistake! cos my nails look frightful now - i am so not a good nail painter.
- trying to finish the entire chapter of political culture and socialization before tomorrow.
- lost my Dorothy Perkins earring for the 3rd bloody time this month. :( lost for good this time.

and to end off, i aim to get up by 8am tomorrow morning so that we can get a good seat at the biz library.

i have no more life, seriously.
and after the exams when my results come out, i'll be even more motivated to spend the rest of my uni life like that - no life, poring over books and notes, and eating and breathing schoolwork.

i should've been doing that from the start of this sem man, shucks.

flop and die already lah. argh.
and i am looking forward to breakfast. i am too hungry to be happy.

i am so fricking busy i am drowning in my schedule.

just had tuition from 830 to about half an hour ago.
tuition tomorrow night too, after the SACCRE leadership workshop thingy from 9 to 5.
baptism of the spirit the whole day on sunday from 10 to 5.

EXAMS IN A WEEK'S TIME!

omg omg omg.
cannot finish studying, so i have to start doing damage control from today onwards. i am going to study till 1 every night then get up at 830 every morning to study. and when i have tons of things to do in a day, i'm going to bring my things with me to read.

a test of my faith and endurance, this will be.
the next week will really test me. i hope i come out of it being none for the worse and not just completely deflated.



well, i can't believe what i'm going through
this thing, it just ain't right.
your selfish ways, how you carry on.
somethings - you just can't hide.

seems like i can't do you right
all i do or say is wrong.
all the smallest things, criticised.
i deserve some damn respect
nothing more, and nothing less.

don't pretend everything's fine.

don't hold it back, if it's in your heart
stand up, and be a man.
i can't read your mind,
so just say it aloud.
i'm trying to understand.

if you want me to go, then say it.
if you want me to stay, then show it.
don't be afraid to break this heart of mine
now's the time;

if i'm right, then we've come to the end of the line.

even though you've been doing me wrong, i still care.
do you think that by treating me cruel,
that somehow i'll disappear?
baby, i love you too much just to walk away.
don't make me hate you.

come to the end of the line.

my heart's not lonely or broken.
it's not of ice or of gold.
nor has my heart ever spoken
to me, when a love has grown cold.
i felt not the faintest flutter
when you brushed my cheek as you passed.
nor will i willingly clutter
my life with these things that don't last.

be still my heart
my heart, be still.

if our eyes should meet,
then so be it.
no need to trouble a heart that's hidden,
where no one can free it.
only to tear it apart.

be still my heart
my heart, be still.


*silje nergaard/be still my heart

jealousy.
what an odd concept.

i don't understand it.
and why it even rears its ugly head.



what's it like to feel that something is slipping out of your life slowly but surely?
what's it like to feel that you never knew how good you had it till you lose it?
what's it like to feel regret?
what's it like to feel like the most selfish prick in the world?
what's it like to feel alone even when there're those who love you - because of those who don't?
what's it like to feel people you loved, gone?
what's it like to feel replaced?
what's it like to feel jealousy in your heart?
what's it like to feel loved?
what's it like to feel love?
what's it like to feel disgust at yourself?
what's it like to feel frustration eating away at your soul?
what's it like to feel comforted, knowing everything will be alright?
what's it like to feel confused to the point of wanting to scream ARGHHHH, f it all?
what's it like to feel like slapping someone you love?
what's it like to feel pure joy?
what's it like to feel your hand in mine?
what's it like to feel nothing?

what's it like to feel?



what's it like to see the sun rising over the morning sea?
what's it like to see people who you love?
what's it like to see the sadness etched on their faces?
what's it like to see the happiness in their smiles?
what's it like to see despair in their eyes?
what's it like to see the morning dewdrops on a dying flower?
what's it like to see yourself in the mirror?
what's it like to see your heart for what it is?
what's it like to see yourself for what you are?
what's it like to see things and have to pretend not to see them?
what's it like to see the rainbow coloured dragonfly drowning?
what's it like to see and not see?


what's it like to get B+-es for ALL my modules so far?
this one i know - not too good.



okay back to soci.

last night was reminiscent of the early hall days last sem, when night turned into day and afternoons into mornings. slept at 5am for the first time in a long time - and no, it wasn't to play bridge or to slip out of my room for supper.

JAP STUDIES PROJECT.

gave myself so much pressure on that one cos i'm doing it with Clem and his friend. being uber smart year3s, i don't think i match up to them in terms of brain and essay capacity yet. but being the writer i pride myself on being, i expect nothing less than Flawless Essays from myself.

so imagine my horror when i read Clem's bit about the history of ethnicity in Japan. i needed to re-read sentences and use a thesaurus. my notions of my own language ability disintegrated into thin air.

anyway. finished it at 4-ish then went to bed.

today will be a productive day. i can feel it. i need to start studying cos i ain't not going to Bangkok just to maintain a cap of 3.2. as you can see, i am sore about not going and having to stay behind in Singapore, for various reasons.

these days i'm layered with a million and one reasons for a million and one things, but i'm getting tired of explaining me to the world so i just let people grasp on to the first reason they stumble upon.

i pride myself on being a lot of things. being obedient to the point of stupidity and derision is one thing i find myself being increasingly better at. i think this newfound ability stems from my childhood-honed instincts to shut my emotions out and concentrate on the task at hand, operating at a perfunctonary level to do whatever i have to do before i shut myself off from the world for a couple of days to allow myself to break down and rebuild me up. it's been the rubber ball characteristic in me that's brought me to where i am today, bouncing back damn quickly when i get swatted off - but sometimes i think perhaps it's too quick a recovery, i force myself back into normalcy too quickly and that somewhere deep in me, there still resides a girl who's beaten down and wants nothing more than to stay down.

but i don't allow myself to be down and stay down for long, i strongly feel that life's too short for that. i don't want to merely exist, i want to live life for everything it's got to offer. wallowing in my misery for a while is fine, allowing me to grieve is also fine.

that's it, end of story.

i'm not vindictive.
i'm not spiteful.
i'm not unforgiving.
i'm not vengeful.

but if that's the only way to see it, then i'll deal with it all as it comes. i'll suck it all up and just continue doing the loving thing, the only way i know how to. you're right, sometimes the most loving thing i can do appears to be the most spiteful, horrible thing in the world.

it just comes off wrong. totally wrong.

it saddens me greatly, knowing the kind of light i'm being seen in.

sometimes it just gets me thinking, am i doing the right thing? maybe there's no one right way to do things. maybe there're several rights and several wrongs. maybe it's the saddest way that's the best.

it's not a grudge i bear anymore, nor is it a stubborn musing of all the collective daydreams and an obstinate clinging on to the autumn mist that rises over the rolling green fields. it's just a quiet realization that the journey onward is possibly gonna be one of the hardest in my life that breaks me down every now and then, especially when i have to grapple with the knowledge that every single thing i'm doing is gonna be seen in a completely differing light.

when things i force myself to do or say out of love for someone else are seen as being petty, vindictive and just plain unforgiving, that's when i wonder whether it's all worth it. why bother to keep on wanting the best when it's only gonna make me out to be complete bitch?

when i don't see eye-to-eye with the rest of the world, when even who love me think i'm so-and-so-and-so, how hard the journey ahead is. i think that's what made me fall apart yesterday during the worship at yes, i think that's what's gonna make me crumble again for a long time to come.


saddened, i am.
hurt, i am.

but if it's gonna make everything right for you in the end,
carry on, i will.


to look you in the eye,
and tell you i don't love you.
it's the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie,
to show no emotion.

there's no tender way to say it's the end
& so, win or lose,
i'm forced to choose
between a lover, & a loving friend.

let me hear you say
how you cursed the day you opened up your heart to me;
that you ever invited me in.

tell me i'm the loser, & you win.


i don't wanna see you cry,
i beg you, try
- not to let the pain i'm causing reach your eyes.
i don't wanna see you cry,
aim your words like spears

don't break me up by breaking down in tears.

hide your pain.
but when push comes to shove,
don't keep your pride locked deep inside
rage against the dying of my love
don't sigh my name,
give me all the blame.


call me heartless, call me cruel,
& accuse me of dealing in lies.
just don't let my leaving cloud your eyes.

i don't wanna see you cry,
i beg you, try
- not to let the pain i'm causing reach your eyes.
i don't wanna see you cry,
aim your words like spears

don't break me up by breaking down in tears.


*silje nergaard/i don't want to see you cry.




nothing says it better than music. on rainy days when i wonder whether i'm still alive because of the numbness of it all, it's the music that stirs something inside and makes me realise i'm still here.

somehow i think i've already shut it all off, on the surface. it's been too long.

it's lousy thinking that everything you felt before was just a dream, that nothing was real. when people and things all around you reinforce it, even when you cling on so tightly to the vestiges of what seemed so real then, you start to lose yourself in the bitter 'reality' of it all.

what is real, and what isn't?

nothing's real, when you can just lift up your hand and swipe away all the misty haze of the fairytale night. rework the fabric of the silk and turn it into cotton with a quick pick of the needle. shred the delicate muslin and leave it in ribbons, floaty ribbons that dance sadly in the wind, wishing they were still whole muslin and not pretty ribbons.

how can one compete with the grip of the past? the past grips on to you so tightly and refuses to relinquish its hold over your heart, your mind. you know it, but you don't want the past to let you go because you want to cling tightly onto the last remnants of the reality of that - which is the pain of the now.

have you ever experienced emotional inertia? i think it's what psychologists study under a different name, but being no psychologist here, i just call it as i see it. you keep insisting to yourself you're not fine, you have unfinished business to settle with someone, that you need to heal your hurts. but actually, you are okay. being a creature of habit, one just doesn't want to have to rediscover new feelings or lay old ones to rest, because it'll mean having to open up a whole new can of worms to tussle with. one likes the familiarity of the old emotions, even if they're far from pleasant.

i recognise that i could well succumb to this, and i don't want to. it's sad to hang on to my past feelings just for the sake of familiarity, because i don't want to feel something new and have to deal with them. because at least with all the bad things, at least i know what to expect each day when i climb out of bed, i know how to deal with them somewhat, i know why i feel that way. but giving it all up would mean i don't know what i'm gonna feel each morning when i get up, would mean that i have to rediscover a new equilibrium that works for me, would have to find out why i feel a certain way. the comfort of the familiar is a tempting refuge, and yet it's a trap in itself because it makes one stuck in a rut, it makes one unable to move on, it makes one more broken than one necessarily is.

i can hear the thoughts of the wind. i can hear it whispering in my ear to melt that ice away when i'm ready, i can hear the music of my heart riding in the breeze that tickles my ear.

and all in the same breath, i can hear the thoughts of my heart stirring inside me, wanting to burst out and embrace the world with passion once again. then i can hear the words of my mind cautioning be still my heart, my heart be still.

too many conversations going on simultaneously for my brain to comprehend, so oftentime i give it all up and let the heart think. and it's so tired that all it comes up with is: i don't care anymore. everyone and everything can talk around me about everything, i'm too tired to bother anymore.

scratch deeper beneath the surface and i know it's still a raging tempest, still a brightly burning flame. but it wants to hide for now, and because my brain is too tired to think, my body just complies.



God is the most innocent being. he just wants to be loved so badly. he created me to love him.

i'm not so innocent a child anymore. but still, i just want to be loved so badly. i was created to love and be loved.


some people are afraid to love. some people are afraid to be loved. i'm afraid of both of them now.
i don't want my pretty poplin to be reworked into harsh jute because someone decided the poplin wasn't real enough. i don't want the delicate glass rainbow to be smashed up into a prismistic mess of colour on the floor just because someone decides that the rainbow is too pretty to be true, because the mess is more familiar.




dancing bears, painted wings
things i almost remember
and a song someone sings
once upon a december.
someone holds me safe and warm,
horses prance through a silver storm.
figures dancing gracefully
across my memory.
far away, long ago
glowing dim as an ember
things my heart used to know
things i yearn to remember

and a song someone sings
once upon a december.

i am so excited!
for the first time in like, 3 years of playing Sims2 - my sim has finally gotten TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg i am so happy!

ahaha yes i know spastic reason to get all excited over.. but you have no idea how badly i wanted twins. this particular sim has had to go through 4 pregnancies and several affairs before finally getting twins!

i feel like some proud momma of twins.

i tell you, the day i get twins for real, i'll smile and smile and smile like there's no tomorrow. i dunno why, but i've ALWAYS WANTED A PAIR OF TWINS. so since i'm not married yet and it'll be a long long time till that happens, no twins for now i guess.

:) :) :)

i need to get a bigger house for my sims, so i decided to do it tomorrow. i can already see my study-weekend going down the drain actually.

okay no! i will move my sim family into a bigger house tomorrow, then stop and do some work, then play with my twins after i finish webcasting a lecture and doing the readings for another! incentive to finish my work.

Good Friday tomorrow! maybe i should do penance and not play tomorrow. i mean, i really do want to make a sacrifice, and not playing would be a bigger sacrifice than not eating meat. like seriously, i hardly eat meat these days anyway.

exam time always heralds Kelly's renewed discovery of her love for computer games. it's a phenomenon that i haven't been able to explain, but have definitely observed.

twins! :)




but if she saw behind the curtains,
it would only make her cry.
she's got handprints on her body
sad moonbeams in her eyes

- not so innocent a child.

she's the queen of hollywood.

okay geog lecture 8 has some of the boringest readings, ever. i've been stuck on the same set of readings for the last 2 days i think. today's gonna be the day i finish it up. like, finally. but seriously, i dunno like, how to finish studying i think. too many things to cram into my brain at any one time.

well, but as we all know, i always have these "oh, school's SO interesting moments" closer to exam period. which is like, now.

especially when i learn something i really get and can apply in my day-to-day life.

the other day, i was reading about the disinhibition effect that tourists experience when holidaying in another country. they feel a lot less inhibited because they're out of their usual culture and societal norms, and in a foreign place where no one knows them, and no one expects them to adhere to whatever cultural or societal norms they might have been subjected to in their home country.

notice why so many pregnancies happen overseas?

because couples lose their inhibitions and do whatever they want.

so. i think it's not good to go on holiday with your boyfriend. you might come back with one extra person on the plane.

i realised it for myself, this disinhibition effect thingy. it's REAL STUFF, i tell you. accurate theory. not that i went on holiday with a boyfriend or anything, but really, when one goes abroad, one is less careful of what one does/says/thinks. in many many ways. your spending habits just go out of hand, your appetite increases astronomically, your alcohol-craving just shoots up and you just wanna have fun.

summer fling, Grease style. heh.



those summer nights.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY, CHELS PAL!


'nuff said about that haha. :) love.






i think my last post was a bit extreme and i sounded a little psychotic. well, let me assure all my darling friends who care about my sanity - i'm perfectly fine and i do admit, it was a little extreme. i need to learn how to exist in some form of middle ground, the world doesn't spin on extremes, know what i mean?

neither is the world a sad love song, for that matter.

what i've decided to do, it ain't gonna be easy. i know full well what's in store for me, and i'm living it out right now, right here. have been living it out for a few days. and it's tough like hell. somedays i feel like just hecking it all and going on to live my life the way i want to, away from it all.

but well, that's not me, that's not what i was meant to do.

Kel doesn't run away when faced with a problem. Kel faces right up to it, but Kel needs to learn to keep her tongue in check when she faces up to problems cos other people may need her to not say anything.

i think i understand so much better now, but that doesn't necessarily make me any happier or make things any easier. i just know why some things have to be like that, and i realise the necessity. but still, the living it out is tough.

i will finish up my human geog lecture 8 readings before Dad comes to pick me up from the library. speaking of Dad. i crashed the car into the wall last night while parking. it wasn't a like, scratch or graze past the wall, it was a bump into the wall. Dad came running out of the house when he heard the thud, it must've been sufficiently loud for him to hear it and come out.

so anyway, the bumper's dented in and the car body's a little dented too. and the paint is scratched off. not too badly damaged, but my heart hurts for the money that's gonna go into the repairs. i'm gonna offer to pay half cos i mean, it's my fault and i don't deny it.

sigh but i never want to drive again. okay, maybe not never. but not for a long time. i'm scared i'll do something to the car the next time i touch it and i can't afford to repair the car too many times. :(

i feel super accomplished.

spent the better part of the night editing my geog report - which, happily enough, is due tomorrow.
once geog is out of the way, all i will have left is the jap studies essay!

i can't wait.
omg i can't believe i'm saying this, i sound like such a freak, but i can't wait to start studying. i mean, since i know i have a shitload of material to cover before exams in 3 weeks time, i might as well start looking forward to studying right?

my geog essay reads like a dream now. i am really quite happy with it after all my editing. i feel like a supreme genius sometimes haha.

you know, sometimes i think that reverting back to distances of yesteryear might be a lot better. when you're backed up against the wall and there's no other path to take, you're forced to do something that might appear drastic under any other circumstances. backed up against the wall, the alley cat just hisses and spits and scratches your eyes out, given a chance.

i'm no alley cat, but i'm backed up right against the stupid brick wall. what do you want me to do now?

i feel like i can't talk about anything anymore, i can't even be physically around anymore - what am i supposed to do, cease to exist? that's exactly what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna cease to exist in your universe, you both. just disappear from your lives, quietly. don't torture me, that's true. but what else is there to do? these days, my musings or upsetness is borne more out of frustration than sadness. or maybe it's both.

look at what i've become.

you've taken my voice away from me, you've taken my heart away from me, and now there's nothing left. all that remains is the soul in the empty shell that i've become when i'm around you, the soul that hides and never wants to come out again for fear of being shredded to pieces again. take my voice, take my freedom to do things, take even my heart - take them all and throw them away to the wind if you will. when you turn around and want to give them back to me, you'll realise that you shouldn't have done it in the first place, cos i won't be there anymore. i tried to tell you, you snatched my words out of my mouth even before i had a chance to say anything. i tried to talk, just talk - you turned your back on me and walked away. i tried to take one step towards you, you took one right back the moment i did that.

you think all's fine and dandy, don't you? you think you're doing what's best, don't you?

suit yourself. i can't deal with this like that any more. i can't be bothered to feel anything anymore. my feelings are on permanent vacation and i'm gonna operate on auto-pilot mode for a long while while they're gone. tell me i'm overracting, tell me i'm being too sensitive, tell me anything you want. laugh, snort, deride, belittle, whatever - i can't rouse any feelings to react to those anymore. you've hurt me deep, too deep, and your ignorance and complete careless-ness now hurts me even more. and yet, i don't feel, i just know.

see what i've become?

i can feel happy on a day-to-day basis, i can feel annoyed at little things. but deep-set emotions of joy, misery, hatred, all these are gone from me. i didn't say goodbye to them or see them off, they just took off quietly and left a gaping hole in me where they've gone. i know they're gone, but i don't miss them. i can't miss them.

see what i've become? i'm an emotionless, cold and calculated machine that breathes.

it wasn't the rejection that did me in. it was all that followed after that, i realise. the coldness, the indifference, the silence, the taking away of everything i hold dear, the abandonment, the walls.

i don't hate you, i can't hate you. i don't blame you, i still love you somewhere deep inside of me. if i can find it buried under several layers of clingwrap and metal and ice, it's in there somewhere. i don't cry anymore, there aren't tears left and i can't feel enough to cry. i know i'm freezing up slowly inside because i can't cry anymore, even if i'm sad inside and i know it.

but because you chose all this, because you all chose all this - i respect your choice and do as you want me to.

i'll just cease to exist in your lives. quietly, without fuss, i'll just withdraw until there're no traces of me anymore in your lives. which is what you fundamentally want right? i'll give it right to you. all. i hate who i'm going to become, i already can see that person and i hate the coldness of that girl i see, and yet i'm not going to stop it because you want it this way.


now i'll just walk away
pretending everything's okay,
and i don't care about you.

i know it's just no use
when all your lies become your truths

and i don't care.

come on, tell it to my face
look me in the eye, and tell me: are you happy now?



you wanted it, you'd better not unwant it.
because when wishes come true, they stay true.