i'm not vindictive.
i'm not spiteful.
i'm not unforgiving.
i'm not vengeful.

but if that's the only way to see it, then i'll deal with it all as it comes. i'll suck it all up and just continue doing the loving thing, the only way i know how to. you're right, sometimes the most loving thing i can do appears to be the most spiteful, horrible thing in the world.

it just comes off wrong. totally wrong.

it saddens me greatly, knowing the kind of light i'm being seen in.

sometimes it just gets me thinking, am i doing the right thing? maybe there's no one right way to do things. maybe there're several rights and several wrongs. maybe it's the saddest way that's the best.

it's not a grudge i bear anymore, nor is it a stubborn musing of all the collective daydreams and an obstinate clinging on to the autumn mist that rises over the rolling green fields. it's just a quiet realization that the journey onward is possibly gonna be one of the hardest in my life that breaks me down every now and then, especially when i have to grapple with the knowledge that every single thing i'm doing is gonna be seen in a completely differing light.

when things i force myself to do or say out of love for someone else are seen as being petty, vindictive and just plain unforgiving, that's when i wonder whether it's all worth it. why bother to keep on wanting the best when it's only gonna make me out to be complete bitch?

when i don't see eye-to-eye with the rest of the world, when even who love me think i'm so-and-so-and-so, how hard the journey ahead is. i think that's what made me fall apart yesterday during the worship at yes, i think that's what's gonna make me crumble again for a long time to come.


saddened, i am.
hurt, i am.

but if it's gonna make everything right for you in the end,
carry on, i will.


to look you in the eye,
and tell you i don't love you.
it's the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie,
to show no emotion.