i feel super accomplished.

spent the better part of the night editing my geog report - which, happily enough, is due tomorrow.
once geog is out of the way, all i will have left is the jap studies essay!

i can't wait.
omg i can't believe i'm saying this, i sound like such a freak, but i can't wait to start studying. i mean, since i know i have a shitload of material to cover before exams in 3 weeks time, i might as well start looking forward to studying right?

my geog essay reads like a dream now. i am really quite happy with it after all my editing. i feel like a supreme genius sometimes haha.

you know, sometimes i think that reverting back to distances of yesteryear might be a lot better. when you're backed up against the wall and there's no other path to take, you're forced to do something that might appear drastic under any other circumstances. backed up against the wall, the alley cat just hisses and spits and scratches your eyes out, given a chance.

i'm no alley cat, but i'm backed up right against the stupid brick wall. what do you want me to do now?

i feel like i can't talk about anything anymore, i can't even be physically around anymore - what am i supposed to do, cease to exist? that's exactly what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna cease to exist in your universe, you both. just disappear from your lives, quietly. don't torture me, that's true. but what else is there to do? these days, my musings or upsetness is borne more out of frustration than sadness. or maybe it's both.

look at what i've become.

you've taken my voice away from me, you've taken my heart away from me, and now there's nothing left. all that remains is the soul in the empty shell that i've become when i'm around you, the soul that hides and never wants to come out again for fear of being shredded to pieces again. take my voice, take my freedom to do things, take even my heart - take them all and throw them away to the wind if you will. when you turn around and want to give them back to me, you'll realise that you shouldn't have done it in the first place, cos i won't be there anymore. i tried to tell you, you snatched my words out of my mouth even before i had a chance to say anything. i tried to talk, just talk - you turned your back on me and walked away. i tried to take one step towards you, you took one right back the moment i did that.

you think all's fine and dandy, don't you? you think you're doing what's best, don't you?

suit yourself. i can't deal with this like that any more. i can't be bothered to feel anything anymore. my feelings are on permanent vacation and i'm gonna operate on auto-pilot mode for a long while while they're gone. tell me i'm overracting, tell me i'm being too sensitive, tell me anything you want. laugh, snort, deride, belittle, whatever - i can't rouse any feelings to react to those anymore. you've hurt me deep, too deep, and your ignorance and complete careless-ness now hurts me even more. and yet, i don't feel, i just know.

see what i've become?

i can feel happy on a day-to-day basis, i can feel annoyed at little things. but deep-set emotions of joy, misery, hatred, all these are gone from me. i didn't say goodbye to them or see them off, they just took off quietly and left a gaping hole in me where they've gone. i know they're gone, but i don't miss them. i can't miss them.

see what i've become? i'm an emotionless, cold and calculated machine that breathes.

it wasn't the rejection that did me in. it was all that followed after that, i realise. the coldness, the indifference, the silence, the taking away of everything i hold dear, the abandonment, the walls.

i don't hate you, i can't hate you. i don't blame you, i still love you somewhere deep inside of me. if i can find it buried under several layers of clingwrap and metal and ice, it's in there somewhere. i don't cry anymore, there aren't tears left and i can't feel enough to cry. i know i'm freezing up slowly inside because i can't cry anymore, even if i'm sad inside and i know it.

but because you chose all this, because you all chose all this - i respect your choice and do as you want me to.

i'll just cease to exist in your lives. quietly, without fuss, i'll just withdraw until there're no traces of me anymore in your lives. which is what you fundamentally want right? i'll give it right to you. all. i hate who i'm going to become, i already can see that person and i hate the coldness of that girl i see, and yet i'm not going to stop it because you want it this way.


now i'll just walk away
pretending everything's okay,
and i don't care about you.

i know it's just no use
when all your lies become your truths

and i don't care.

come on, tell it to my face
look me in the eye, and tell me: are you happy now?



you wanted it, you'd better not unwant it.
because when wishes come true, they stay true.