i've been back in singapore for almost a week and a half already but it seems like i've never really left. canada is receding further and further into the back of my mind already, and i'm trying to remember what it was like there for me when i am now surrounded by the all-too-stifling reality that is the heat of singapore. it seems like all i can remember from my 3 months in guelph was the cold. i miss the weather so much. i know, it seems like such a trivial thing to miss about a country, but it's not just weather. being here now has made me realise that the weather has more influence in our lives than i thought it had. i'm constantly sluggish here in singapore because it's just too hot to do anything, my brain shuts down in the tepid heat. 

i am going to sleep now. i am slightly incoherent.

now we're back to the beginning.

having had a really lovely Easter with my uncle and aunt in oakville, tonight i find myself really sad that i'm leaving canada so soon. i feel like i'm the most confusing person ever cos i was complaining so much in the beginning and now, i'm complaining too - about not wanting to go. but i do not want to sleep tonight cos that would mean that monday's coming, and with the arrival of monda - , tuesday, and then i'm gone from here. (CLEMENT CHUA, DON'T TRY TO CONFUSE ME BY ASKING ME PATHETICALLY WHETHER I PREFER STAYING HERE OVER COMING BACK TO SEE YOU - THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT AT ALL! haha)

i feel so SAD, i find myself unable to articulate exactly what i feel. going back to reality is never as fun as you thought it'd be. i'm really gonna miss all that i had here, i wish i could have it all. but we always have to choose, we can never have everything we want. if we could, the whole subject of economics can just be shut down now because it's utterly redundant - economics is built on the premise of unlimited wants desiring very limited resources, and opportunity cost.

i'm going home to be an adult.

i feel like i'm going back to a beginning of a circle, somehow. 

FOCUS

I AM HAVING A MASSIVE CASE OF WRITER'S BLOCK NOW.

my essay is just not cooperating with me. i am majorly upset.

i have to get at least SOME of it done tonight, so i can start studying for my classical myth exam on sunday. i am so stressed. sigh. and my packing is going horrendously. aaaaaaahh!!

okay focus focus focus!!

i feel like disabling my facebook for the next two days. it's such a time waster.

it's just the beginning

three exams in three days and an essay right in the middle of it all is driving me absolutely crazy. i am a nervous wreck, and my room is an absolute war zone with scribbled notes and printed lecture slides strewn everywhere. my books are all over the place, like my wits. i am a ball of tension at the moment, and my mind is so tired from having to be so active all the time. i have no time to feel anything at all, which is such a waste actually, cos i'm leaving so soon. i guess this is exactly what i deserve for months of utter abandon where my work is concerned.

and i am leaving in less than a week's time. but that is far away in my mind still, because i have an exam at 830am tomorrow morning, another exam on thursday, and i have managed to beg my lecturer for an extension for my essay - which i happily have to finish by sunday. and, my final paper on monday. i've only barely begun, and my mind is so frazzled already. i fear for my essay. i won't have much time to rally myself on thursday and churn out 12 pages by sunday. that, and the fact that i'm supposed to visit my aunt and uncle the same weekend too. joy! i will be exhausted when i reach Singapore.


i am going back to my Elizabethan lit notes. i am not even attempting to sleep yet because i know that my mind will be too active to rest now, so i will try to memorize quotes from my notes for my essays tomorrow.

this is the first time i have been around people who are so utterly self-absorbed, so feckless in their actions, so self-centred and unconcerned for anyone else around them. i am mightily annoyed. my housemate seems to think it's perfectly nice and wonderful to have study parties all throughout the weekend. it would be absolutely fine if they actually studied in relative silence. it is not fine at all if all they do is talk at levels far surpassing 33 decibels. i know, cos i had to stick ear plugs into my ears this morning and i could hear every single annoying syllable through my 33-decibel ear plugs. for some reason, the north american accent carries much farther. it is so annoying. i am so annoyed. i hate rude people who think the world revolves around themselves. if i can hear you through my ear plugs and music, i do think you are being too fricking loud. heck, i shouldn't even have to wear ear plugs in my own home.

pooh. times like this, i can't wait to go home.

i am listening to final fantasy music now as i attempt to study. 

i miss playing.

so we are all entitled to a little bit of privacy, i wonder if it entitles us all to Lying every once in a while for that bit of life to remain entirely our own. but you know, perhaps that's the folly of my thought, in even thinking that there's any part of my life that belongs entirely to Myself. i feel myself being pulled from twenty different directions simultaneously, every exertion meeting an equal resisting force, supposedly. if i could split myself up into two, maybe three, and each Me could work on something on the 10-foot long to-do list i have pinned up in my too-claustrophobic head - it'd be perfect. 

one more week to go, and i wish the week weren't so filled with too important and at the same time, too unimportant final exams and essays. i love spring time so much, it's the time of year when i feel like the world's my oyster. there's a tingling sense of anticipation in my very fingertips, i feel like something's gonna happen all the time. the air i breathe feels like enchanted air, it's both heavy and light with hope. 

so i start a revolution from my bed 
'cause you said the Brains i had went to my head 
step outside, the summertime's in bloom 
stand up beside the fireplace 
take that look from off your face 
you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out. 

poker face.

the last few days have seen me go to all my classes with surprising determination to see this through with dignity. it might have everything to do with my deplorable 0.5/20 for a recent quiz - or it might have everything to do with the realization that this will all be over in exactly two weeks. whatever it is, i am trying hard to grasp on to every single minute i spend awake, trying to make this time count for something. and it's not difficult, considering how much i have to do. just thinking about it all makes me feel like i'm not getting enough air. 

spring is really and truly here, with spring showers and green grass everywhere. i'm sad that i won't get to see my entire front lawn turn green before i go though, cos i think it'll take at least one more month for all the newly awake shoots to poke their way out from the earth after a winter's sleep. i find it highly highly ironic that i'm wishing i could stop time for just a bit more, because i don't want to go home yet. i find it amusing that i would do anything to slow time down now when just two months ago, i was wishing i could fastforward my life to this point in time. 

going home would mean returning to all things beloved. but that would mean the end of this, and the beginning of one more month in Singapore. at this point in time, being twenty-one and wishing i were sixteen again, wishing i could re-do so many years of my life from my vantage point now - i wonder if i've seen myself in twenty years' time and ruefully wishing i had done things differently when i was twenty-one. and i am convinced that that would be me at forty-one, because i know there'll always be something i regret because of one choice or the other i've made. there's the ideal, and there's the real, and i'm starting to think that never the twain shall meet. 

oh and i stubbed my toe on the door last night, causing the corner of my big toe nail to split from the rest of the nail, and a strange flap of skin to separate itself from my toe. it bled, and it hurt, and oh yes, i'm human and i'm still alive. the only thing i am annoyed about is that my nail is ruined, my ability to wear covered-up shoes is ruined because of the patch of bloody skin, and it hurts. 

cos i'm bluffin' with my muffin,

you can't read my poker face.