poker face.

the last few days have seen me go to all my classes with surprising determination to see this through with dignity. it might have everything to do with my deplorable 0.5/20 for a recent quiz - or it might have everything to do with the realization that this will all be over in exactly two weeks. whatever it is, i am trying hard to grasp on to every single minute i spend awake, trying to make this time count for something. and it's not difficult, considering how much i have to do. just thinking about it all makes me feel like i'm not getting enough air. 

spring is really and truly here, with spring showers and green grass everywhere. i'm sad that i won't get to see my entire front lawn turn green before i go though, cos i think it'll take at least one more month for all the newly awake shoots to poke their way out from the earth after a winter's sleep. i find it highly highly ironic that i'm wishing i could stop time for just a bit more, because i don't want to go home yet. i find it amusing that i would do anything to slow time down now when just two months ago, i was wishing i could fastforward my life to this point in time. 

going home would mean returning to all things beloved. but that would mean the end of this, and the beginning of one more month in Singapore. at this point in time, being twenty-one and wishing i were sixteen again, wishing i could re-do so many years of my life from my vantage point now - i wonder if i've seen myself in twenty years' time and ruefully wishing i had done things differently when i was twenty-one. and i am convinced that that would be me at forty-one, because i know there'll always be something i regret because of one choice or the other i've made. there's the ideal, and there's the real, and i'm starting to think that never the twain shall meet. 

oh and i stubbed my toe on the door last night, causing the corner of my big toe nail to split from the rest of the nail, and a strange flap of skin to separate itself from my toe. it bled, and it hurt, and oh yes, i'm human and i'm still alive. the only thing i am annoyed about is that my nail is ruined, my ability to wear covered-up shoes is ruined because of the patch of bloody skin, and it hurts. 

cos i'm bluffin' with my muffin,

you can't read my poker face.