i am faced with two more weeks of Guelph, 10 weeks' worth of reading, a wedding powerpoint to whip up, and three bags to be packed. 

how i wish i didn't go through my entire sem spaced out and disinterested.

it's always like that, and i'm always aware that it's too late for regrets. so why don't i just not let myself get to this point where i wish i could have done things differently? i suppose if i actually managed to not do that, i wouldn't be me. 

alright whatever. i want to sleep so badly, but i have to read Homi Bhabha by today.

omg omg omg my essay is totally not coming together. i am slightly panicked because i have no concrete battle plan to save this disastrous paper.

and my cramps are haunting me.

i am pmsing severely.

the hormones are wrecking havoc in my body and i know it, because i am in an incredibly foul mood for the stupidest reasons ever, - and guess what, i know that too. but i can't help it, i'm feeling extremely grouchy, and i think i become more needy this time of the month, too. it's almost inexplicable, how i have no control over my emotions as they just ravage me and leave me feeling awashed in too many un-nameble feelings: anger, disappointment, sadness, misery, just to name a few of the cocktail of emotions that's coursing through me.

all this while, i just want to hear your voice so that maybe, maybe it'll all go away and i'll stop bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason. but because you can't, i'll have to weather this myself for once, and all i know is that i'm unbearably sad. for no apparent reason.

must be the PMS. 

ARGH

i am severely PMSed today. i feel like oscar the grouch who lives in a trash can. i'm so grouchy, i don't even want to be cheered up. i suppose i'm wallowing in my grouchiness. my essays are not cooperating with me. the one i've managed to squeeze out extremely painfully is extremely BAD. i would fail myself for it. unfortunately, i foresee my lecturers wanting to fail them too.

and checking out overweight baggage rates are extremely depressing. 

it is almost inevitable, this overweight thing. i wish i could call nwa up and beg them to let me leave with my two bags - whatever weight they are - because i've been here for four months and am never coming back again. my whole life is supposed to fit into 46kg of luggages? i somehow don't think so.

this baggage allowance thing is totally a pain in the ass. so shoot me for having to bring 4 months' worth of things home. 

which reminds me. i have to check shipping rates out tomorrow.

asinine

my favourite word of the week is asinine by the way.

it's so very succinct. and, i love the way it rolls off my tongue.

asinine.

which is what i am, for blogging about something so retarded when i have an essay and a half waiting for me in the background on Microsoft Word.

it's odd how i have so much work to do but i'm bored. it's like i have no desire to churn out my essays anymore, i just want everything to stop right now so i can go home. that, or if i were permanently here. i hate being in limbo, in the state of being still here but no longer really here in a matter of weeks. it's making me feel antsy and lethargic and so many things at once. i want to go home, but i don't want this adventure to end so soon either. cos once i go home, all my responsibilities come flying back at me. i'm existing in a bubble world here, i know. i'm not even a proper student, for crying out loud. i make guest appearances in class. i wake up when i feel like waking up. i sleep in when it's raining. i do what i want. i can hide from the world for days. i can go out downtown and party without worrying about having to make it to class the next morning. i can just pack my bags and go off somewhere for the weekend. i can just.. be.

while i know i spent weeks whining about my being here in this god-forsaken corner of agricultural Canada, i know i'm gonna miss being here when i'm back in the mad rush that is Singapore. i'm gonna miss looking out of my window and just looking at the clouds float by in the sky, the squirrels that dash by me on my way to school.  whilst i know i am a city girl at heart, i do know for sure i'll miss the almost-tranquil pace of life here in moments of severe essay stress come September. well, not that i'm not suffering from essay stress here too. but seeing the cars jammed bumper to bumper on the Singapore roads just kinda increases my heartrate and adds to my stress, it's like how seeing what i feel inside acted out in the world around me.

and my mind keeps playing and replaying every single moment, i wish i could just switch it all off. i wonder at so many things, if only it wasn't all so murky. the strangest things trip my memory. i find myself entangled in wispy shadows that seem all-too-solid. 

i think perhaps it is the moment of betrayal, when i will always continue to relive that betrayal. it never becomes any less painful, it's always as real when it stabs my heart and twists itself. i am betrayed every single day of my life by that one moment - i wish i could leave it all behind.

it scares me, but i think i hate you more with every passing day.

and it saddens me to think that i am the only one suffering with this. purely because i am stupid and i cannot let go.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

small girl, big dreams

on a Friday night in Guelph, i find myself planning for my immediate future back home in Singapore. which will be my present in four weeks' time. so many things i want to do when i get back home, so many things i have to do in preparation for going back home, too. i have big plans for such a small girl, i'm scared, sometimes. i wonder if it's better to not have lofty dreams, if only so that there's none of that failed ambition bit that i'm sure haunts many the driven woman at Age 45 come mid-life.

sometimes i wonder at my utter lack of apparent gifts and talents, and then i chide myself for being so self-effacing to the point of myopia. there are days when i feel like a blob of cells breathing and taking up oxygen in the world, there're other days when i feel purpose coursing through my very veins.

today has seen me feel a bit of both.

SHREWWWW.

i am actually doing work today. but seeing how this assignment's due on friday but i have not yet read Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew - which, i discovered to my horror requires my reading of it to do my paper - i am slightly distressed.

YES EVEN THOUGH I AM ON EXCHANGE AND CAN S/U EVERYTHING. 

argh.

overslept, shit.

i need to sleep earlier, clearly. i slept right through my alarm this morning and only got up at 11am, missing two of my morning classes even though i had every intention of not skipping any more school unless absolutely necessary.

ughhh. :(

so since my next class is at 130pm, i find myself here frantically typing my response paper for tomorrow's class, which i want to get printed by today so i won't have to worry about it tomorrow morning. i hate not having a printer. i hate 10cents a page photocopying. it's absolutely retarded.

grocery shopping day today though. i hope it doesn't rain. cos i have a ton of things to get.

i don't feel like blogging anymore.

there has been so little desire to blog lately that i am contemplating just stopping this blog for the time being. my days seem to fly by without any notice, and i'm left grappling for more time day after day. even though i seem to do absolutely nothing with my time, looking at the amount of reading i have in wait for me.

that could perhaps be attributed to my travelling. and speaking of travelling, i just came back from Chicago on Sunday night. all these little getaways are what's keeping me sane. a part of me absolutely cannot wait to get back home to Singapore, but another part of me just wants to keep travelling and travelling. and travelling. 

schoolwork seems so unimportant to me right now. which is not good. i have really a tonne of work to do, and if i were in the same academic situation back home in Singapore, i would be tearing my hair out at this point and wailing about how i am stressed and distressed, etcetcetc. being very fortunately not in NUS at this point in time, having a response paper due on Thursday, a take-home test due on Friday, an essay draft due the following Tuesday, another essay due the Wednesday of that week, and a presentation on Thursday to round up my exciting next two weeks of school - i am still unperturbed by the thought of all these. welll, not totally, but the impetus to do any sort of work comes very very rarely here.

i do have to say though, that i am thoroughly sick of trying to keep myself alive on my cooking. i hate cooking, i hate thinking about what to eat, i never realised how utterly useless i'd be in situations where food is not readily buyable ie: here. i've been eating bread, biscuits, and whatever else i managed to scavenge from my snack store since coming back from NYC. well, and instant noodles too. i don't think macaroni and cheese really counts as a proper meal too. sigh. i am thoroughly sick of ANY kind of pasta and i refuse to eat any of it until January 2010. okay, i ought to qualify: i refuse to eat any kind of pasta that i cook. i am a bad cook. so bad that i make myself sick of my cooking. :(

and, the shopping bug has bitten me and hasn't stopped biting me since i got here. 

i need to clear out half my wardrobe when i get back home to accommodate the new stuff i bought here. and, i need to sell my wardrobe. ughhhh i am so swamped with all these mundane things that schoolwork seems to unimportant in relation. weirdly.

OKAY. back to reading the essay i'm supposed to do a response paper on. Spiller's Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe. it's NOT an easy read, i'd much rather be reading Margaret Atwood's Alias Grace or Jean Genet's The Maids right now - but both of these are just things i have to read by my final exam. and these are just two out of something like 7 books that i have read half-way and have to finish in 4 weeks. i am thoroughly screwed, and yet, the prospect doesn't make me feel like i ought to be bludgeoned by something for my laziness. 

being on exchange is truly wonderful, in that aspect. teehee.

you took my heart away.

so after all's been said and done, all i really want is for you to be here with me.

all the travelling, all the shopping, all the living i'm doing, - it's nothing without you.

i miss you so.

staring at the moon so blue

turning all my thoughts to you.

after having come back from Quebec City, Montreal and New York during reading week, i find myself about to take off from Guelph again - this time to Chicago.

WOOHOO. :D

this is the reason why i am here for exchange, and i am starting to love every minute of it.

i need to see places, satiate my appetite to be everywhere, feel my soul expand.

the one thing i am sad over though, is the loss of Clem's ipod. :( 

alrighty i shall post pictures of my Montreal, Quebec City, New York trip soon.