17 weeks 4 days. That’s (approximately) how much time has
passed since a precious little life has taken root in my belly, growing each
day. Yes, that’s right, we’re expecting a baby! Given how my previous pregnancy
ended way earlier than it should have, my optimism and joy has been tempered
somewhat – okay, more like totally dampened.. But as the days have turned into
weeks and months, and my baby seems to be growing according to medical charts
with each doctor’s appointment, I’ve finally allowed myself to feel a teensy
bit joyful at our very own miracle we’ve been a part of :)
I’ve spent the first trimester in constant worry and fear.
The first milestone that we crossed which let me breathe a little easier was
the 8 week mark, which was when we had discovered that our beloved first baby’s
heart had stopped beating last year. After that, it was the fear that I wouldn’t
make it past the first trimester of this pregnancy. And then came the 16 week
mark, when we knew that our precious baby had made it for twice the amount of
time our beloved first baby had lived and died.
In-between, the days were fraught with frantic trips to the
doctor whenever I had a bleed, which happened way too frequently whenever I
stepped into the office – which resulted in me arranging to work from home for
an entire month just to ride the few weeks out into the beginning of the second
trimester when things would supposedly be more stable. I’ve had a bout of food
poisoning which saw me throwing up in the office toilet and leaving me in utter
misery, seeing as how I’d managed to keep my morning sickness well under control
all this while without having to vomit even once no matter how awful I felt..
So now, here we are, at 17 weeks and 4 days into our
pregnancy, and I’m finally starting to let myself believe that our baby will be
coming into this world in about 22 weeks’ time. I still do go through days when
I’m convinced something has happened, and I just throw myself into the day and
try not to dwell on such thoughts. And each time we see our precious baby’s constant
heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor and his/her kicking, turning, rolling,
seeing on-screen, I feel like a knot in the pit of my stomach loosens a little
and I find myself smiling like I haven’t seen anything more beautiful in the
world.
At this point, we still don’t know whether we’re expecting a
boy or a girl, just because each time we try to take a peek during our regular
routine check-ups, baby refuses to show the goods and then promptly turns the
other way, leaving us with nothing but images of his/her behind waggling about.
Although I’d like to know, just so we can start looking at some baby clothes or
blankets, I’m actually surprisingly not impatient about it. I just know that
whatever gender baby turns out to be will make no difference, and finding out
will only add to my mounting joy and anticipation and could not subtract from
it.
Each day I feel the lingering symptoms of first-trimester
pregnancy, like residual morning sickness nausea, a blocked left ear whenever I
hurry to get out of the house in the mornings, exhaustion by mid-morning, a
gnawing hunger at night before bed, a horrid bloatedness whenever I have my dinner
too late at night… I complain with all my heart at my patient, loving husband,
who always tries to alleviate my discomfort. But with these, I know that my
baby is still growing in me, and I can’t help but remind myself to be thankful
for these physical discomforts.
So until my next doctor’s appointment and I get to see my baby
frolicking about on the ultrasound screen, I think I can’t help but remain
worried that the worst may be just around the corner.
