Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
haunting.
there's something about this kitten's eyes that suggest a soul older than the kitten really is, lurking somewhere inside her. there's something unspeakably sad about this image, & somehow, it speaks to me, reaches out to me. & on a day like today, an image like this just makes me ache for the homeless, the lonely, the hurting. on days like these, i feel bad for not giving a scrap of food to the strays that sidle up to me, i feel bad when the parents chase them out of my garden with the broom, i feel bad for not giving them a home. it's times like these that i feel like such a rotten specimen of a human being.
times like these, i wonder what more i can do & am aghast at what little i've done.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
late-nighter.
another lateeeee night. trying to skim through Lacan's seminar on the purloined letter now so i can contribute in tomorrow's meeting. studied with Tri again today, after coming back from a day in town doing my hair & going to the supreme court.
school work has been a complete bitch lately, & i dunno how i'm gonna do everything i need to do before this week is up. one thing at a time. the essays, then the catching up.
i've been so pmsy lately, & i'm glad you haven't lost your patience with me yet. the smallest thing sets me off, & it must be difficult to be with me when i'm in moods like these. you said as long as you know - & i do.
i feel as though i'm in a bubble world, where it's just that few people who matter & that few things that i occupy myself with. & yet, i don't have the energy to do anything else.
things at home haven't been all that quiet & peaceful. well, sometimes, there's the peace. but then, sometimes, there's the screaming & shouting & disagreeing. i do admit that the thought of leaving home has crossed my mind more than once in the midst of all the exchange of heated words. i think about where i could go, when i could go - then stop cos mad as i am, i never quite find it within me to just up & go. perhaps it's out of fear that my actions would hurt my parents, perhaps it's out of the fear that i wouldn't survive myself & would have to eventually come back with my tail snug between my legs. call me a coward, yeah, but i can't and won't just end my misery by leaving home. even at the age of 21.
i miss you. more than you know.
school work has been a complete bitch lately, & i dunno how i'm gonna do everything i need to do before this week is up. one thing at a time. the essays, then the catching up.
i've been so pmsy lately, & i'm glad you haven't lost your patience with me yet. the smallest thing sets me off, & it must be difficult to be with me when i'm in moods like these. you said as long as you know - & i do.
i feel as though i'm in a bubble world, where it's just that few people who matter & that few things that i occupy myself with. & yet, i don't have the energy to do anything else.
things at home haven't been all that quiet & peaceful. well, sometimes, there's the peace. but then, sometimes, there's the screaming & shouting & disagreeing. i do admit that the thought of leaving home has crossed my mind more than once in the midst of all the exchange of heated words. i think about where i could go, when i could go - then stop cos mad as i am, i never quite find it within me to just up & go. perhaps it's out of fear that my actions would hurt my parents, perhaps it's out of the fear that i wouldn't survive myself & would have to eventually come back with my tail snug between my legs. call me a coward, yeah, but i can't and won't just end my misery by leaving home. even at the age of 21.
i miss you. more than you know.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
a rant
come, let me tell you why i am in such an effing bad mood right now.
people all worry too much abt what other people think abt them. i can't do this cos "other people will get pissed". i can't take my time cos "other people will get annoyed". i can't buy my own clothes with my own money cos "people will have a bad impression of us".
will a little bit of explanation hurt at all? open your damn mouths and explain, and if the other people who are so great that you bend to their whims and preferences are really that great, they will possess enough brains to understand. if not, they're not worth tailoring your behaviour to, in the first place.
eff la i hate it when people tell me i can't say, think abt my move when i play mahjong cos people don't like it. if they don't like it, then they aren't really my friends to begin with and so i won't play with them anymore so who cares if they like it anyway, right? it's a bad habit to think abt your next move when you play. is it your money that you're gonna lose? so you can think fast, so you can conceive of your moves and plays damn quickly. yippy for you. but don't tell me that i'm practising a bad habit just cos i'm a bit slower. don't discriminate, it's not very becoming.
i hate it when people tell me which mass i have to attend. it's ME that's attending the mass, so why should you get so worked up? i hate it when i'm answerable to people for what i buy still - at the age of 21. i'm earning my keep, i'm not spending your money. so please, get off my back.
i hate leaders who act like they're too busy to help out with "unimportant" things like setting up a place for something. hello, what happened to leading by example?? if you ask for volunteers for something that you deem as saikang, you jolly well volunteer once in a while too so that it's not sheer authoritarianism at work. after all, you're not too fantastic to do what the rest of us do right.
& i have many other biting things to say about abovementioned, but i'm holding my tongue cos it's particularly acerbic today. i hate high-&-mighty pricks, i hate people who subjugate themselves to certain norms and force me to comply with these same norms too - i have absolutely no issue if you want to live your life by other people's rules, but don't tell me i should live life in such-and-such a way too, just cos you chose to live yours that way.
people all worry too much abt what other people think abt them. i can't do this cos "other people will get pissed". i can't take my time cos "other people will get annoyed". i can't buy my own clothes with my own money cos "people will have a bad impression of us".
will a little bit of explanation hurt at all? open your damn mouths and explain, and if the other people who are so great that you bend to their whims and preferences are really that great, they will possess enough brains to understand. if not, they're not worth tailoring your behaviour to, in the first place.
eff la i hate it when people tell me i can't say, think abt my move when i play mahjong cos people don't like it. if they don't like it, then they aren't really my friends to begin with and so i won't play with them anymore so who cares if they like it anyway, right? it's a bad habit to think abt your next move when you play. is it your money that you're gonna lose? so you can think fast, so you can conceive of your moves and plays damn quickly. yippy for you. but don't tell me that i'm practising a bad habit just cos i'm a bit slower. don't discriminate, it's not very becoming.
i hate it when people tell me which mass i have to attend. it's ME that's attending the mass, so why should you get so worked up? i hate it when i'm answerable to people for what i buy still - at the age of 21. i'm earning my keep, i'm not spending your money. so please, get off my back.
i hate leaders who act like they're too busy to help out with "unimportant" things like setting up a place for something. hello, what happened to leading by example?? if you ask for volunteers for something that you deem as saikang, you jolly well volunteer once in a while too so that it's not sheer authoritarianism at work. after all, you're not too fantastic to do what the rest of us do right.
& i have many other biting things to say about abovementioned, but i'm holding my tongue cos it's particularly acerbic today. i hate high-&-mighty pricks, i hate people who subjugate themselves to certain norms and force me to comply with these same norms too - i have absolutely no issue if you want to live your life by other people's rules, but don't tell me i should live life in such-and-such a way too, just cos you chose to live yours that way.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Teardrops On My Guitar
Drew looks at me,
i fake a smile so he won't see
that i want, & i'm needing everything that we should be.
i'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about,
& she's got everything that i have to live without.
Drew talks to me,
i laugh cause it's so damn funny,
that i can't even see anyone when he's with me.
he says he's so in love, he's finally got it right.
i wonder if he knows he's all i think about at night.
he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.
he's the song in the car i keep singing,
don't know why I do.
Drew walks by me, can he tell that i can't breathe?
& there he goes, so perfectly,
the kind of flawless i wish i could be.
she'd better hold him tight, give him all her love.
look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky, cos.
he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.
he's the song in the car i keep singing,
don't know why i do.
so i drive home alone, as i turn out the light,
i'll put his picture down,
& maybe get some sleep tonight.
cos he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.
he's the song in the car i keep singing,
don't know why i do.
he's the time taken up, but there's never enough,
& he's all that i need to fall into..
Drew looks at me,
i fake a smile so he won't see.
Teardrops On My Guitar
Taylor Swift
this song really struck a chord with me, the first time i'd heard it. perhaps it brought back all-too-raw memories of not-too-long-ago, perhaps it was seeing what i felt out in words for the whole world to hear. there's something about seeing something so intimate put into words and a tune that a few million people listen to, perhaps even identify with. it puts things into perspective, doesn't it. that my experience of pain & hurt isn't so unique, isn't so solely mine - by virtue of its being felt by so many people, people i don't know of. & yet, no one experience is ever the same; some nuance here and there exists to differentiate my experience from Sally's or Jane's.
unrequited love hurts. it hurts like crap. i wouldn't know if it's the same as that of a break-up, i've never been through one. but i can tell you that it just eats right into you and makes you feel lousy about yourself. well, i felt lousy about myself. i look back at the me of exactly one year ago and wish i could reach out a hand and touchl that me. i'd tell me that everything was gonna be all right - & the me of last year wouldn't believe a single word. i'd tell me that she was gonna be happy in a year's time, that all the nonsense would be left behind.
i still have those days when i imagine things and get terrorized by the very same pictures from my fancy. it makes me sick to my stomach and i wonder at what's wrong with me. then i bury myself in my pillows and blanket and burrow into my bed, shutting thoughts out with sleep. but dreams, they scare me sometimes too, and i wake up unrested and wanting to burst into furious tears of frustration.
perhaps you can understand then, why i would rather not do anything. why i would rather spend lazy Saturday afternoons at home in the refuge of my own room instead of having to take in a deep breath and face my demons in the world outside.
the song in the car i keep singing.
i need sleep!
i have just finished reading Lady Audley's Secret for en3241 and it is a strange strange book. it had a chilling effect on me, somehow. even though it has a happy ending and all. i think it was the incongruency between Lady Audley's physical appearance and her actions. which is supposed to render her a very deep and complex character. but i was just freaked out.
lit reading aside, i've been busying myself with other readings and sleep. sleep. oh, where do i begin! i've been trying to make do with far too few hours of sleep lately but it's making me extremely lethargic and irritable and unable to think properly. even as i sit here typing this, i'm fully aware of the necessity to stop asap and finish up my advertising reading for the night so i can sleep asap and wake up by 930am tomorrow morning. bah.
second round of SEP application mysteriously hasn't opened yet. i'm getting impatient and slightly alarmed at the lack of any word about when round 2 is gonna begin.
and strange, unsettling dreams have come to haunt me once more and pervade my flights of fancy when i least expect an intrusion of the rudest kind. pray, do take leave and do not keep jostling in my brain for my attention. i do not want to pay heed to this, and i will not.
SLEEP.
lit reading aside, i've been busying myself with other readings and sleep. sleep. oh, where do i begin! i've been trying to make do with far too few hours of sleep lately but it's making me extremely lethargic and irritable and unable to think properly. even as i sit here typing this, i'm fully aware of the necessity to stop asap and finish up my advertising reading for the night so i can sleep asap and wake up by 930am tomorrow morning. bah.
second round of SEP application mysteriously hasn't opened yet. i'm getting impatient and slightly alarmed at the lack of any word about when round 2 is gonna begin.
and strange, unsettling dreams have come to haunt me once more and pervade my flights of fancy when i least expect an intrusion of the rudest kind. pray, do take leave and do not keep jostling in my brain for my attention. i do not want to pay heed to this, and i will not.
SLEEP.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
bad luck and i hate school
do i believe in bad luck? as a Catholic, i'm not supposed to. cos there're no such things as coincidences, luck, etcetc. but as several incidences in the mrt the last few days have demonstrated, i'm leaning more towards the "hmm i may just be unlucky" side now. for three days in a row, no one gets up from the seats in the carriage i'm in. which leaves me standing the entire journey from yio chu kang to dhoby ghaut. i look up and down my carriage, and i see rows of people evacuating from their seats every stop. but mine? nooo. no one seems to be going anywhere except anywhere after dhoby. i've changed carriages day after day to see if it just-so-happens that that particular carriage is always occupied by such people. but no. it's the same story in every single carriage i enter. even coming home from school just now. i stood the entire journey.
the first week back in school since the cny break hasn't been good so far. i've fallen down the steps of a number 10 bus on tuesday, and woken up one-and-a-half-hours late today. all of two days only and it's been shite. i hate school. AND, i just found out that for some shitty reason, i have to go to school for tutorial during e-learning week. what the hell. it's e-learning week for crying out loud. but no, i have to be in the IT lab to do my tutorial. what the frick for, i'd like to know.
as you can tell, i am not in a particularly lovely mood at the moment. i have two shitloads of things to read and imbibe into my brain, and things are just piling up cos i only have 24 hours a day and not enough time to do it all without going crazy. as it is, i don't even get to sleep my 8 hours a day anymore. i'm lucky if i get 7 hours of shut-eye.
Freud is proving to be the bane of all things good and nice and kind that make up my existence. he talks too damn much, has an opinion about just about everything, and uses words that belong in a locked up volume made up of archaic, ancient, musty, stuffy vocab. he says things that can be said in 10 words in 50 words, leaving me to decipher what on earth he's trying to drive at - minus all the fancy jargon. after my psychoanalysis classes, i always feel so completely brain dead. listening to Dr Roy and the presenters boggles my mind and i need to process at top speed for the three hours i'm sitting in that room. i don't even have the capacity to ask any questions cos i'm usually still processing whatever's been said and understanding it. which makes me feel stupid cos it feels like i don't have an opinion about anything.
and the film mod i'm taking is proving to be a huge disappointment. i signed up for a lit class, not a media or soci class. so far, all we've been talking about in tutorials are censorship issues, cable programming, and broadcast systems. hello, whatever happened to "reading film and cultural texts"??? i've only been watching films and reading readings, but other than that it's been all media-like and totally nothing to do with lit. i feel so cheated la. i feel like withdrawing. from more than one module. sigh. this sem seems so blah, suddenly. i will so definitely not come even close to repeating my 4.4 from last sem. i shall aim for B+s this sem. i feel so.. argh.
the first week back in school since the cny break hasn't been good so far. i've fallen down the steps of a number 10 bus on tuesday, and woken up one-and-a-half-hours late today. all of two days only and it's been shite. i hate school. AND, i just found out that for some shitty reason, i have to go to school for tutorial during e-learning week. what the hell. it's e-learning week for crying out loud. but no, i have to be in the IT lab to do my tutorial. what the frick for, i'd like to know.
as you can tell, i am not in a particularly lovely mood at the moment. i have two shitloads of things to read and imbibe into my brain, and things are just piling up cos i only have 24 hours a day and not enough time to do it all without going crazy. as it is, i don't even get to sleep my 8 hours a day anymore. i'm lucky if i get 7 hours of shut-eye.
Freud is proving to be the bane of all things good and nice and kind that make up my existence. he talks too damn much, has an opinion about just about everything, and uses words that belong in a locked up volume made up of archaic, ancient, musty, stuffy vocab. he says things that can be said in 10 words in 50 words, leaving me to decipher what on earth he's trying to drive at - minus all the fancy jargon. after my psychoanalysis classes, i always feel so completely brain dead. listening to Dr Roy and the presenters boggles my mind and i need to process at top speed for the three hours i'm sitting in that room. i don't even have the capacity to ask any questions cos i'm usually still processing whatever's been said and understanding it. which makes me feel stupid cos it feels like i don't have an opinion about anything.
and the film mod i'm taking is proving to be a huge disappointment. i signed up for a lit class, not a media or soci class. so far, all we've been talking about in tutorials are censorship issues, cable programming, and broadcast systems. hello, whatever happened to "reading film and cultural texts"??? i've only been watching films and reading readings, but other than that it's been all media-like and totally nothing to do with lit. i feel so cheated la. i feel like withdrawing. from more than one module. sigh. this sem seems so blah, suddenly. i will so definitely not come even close to repeating my 4.4 from last sem. i shall aim for B+s this sem. i feel so.. argh.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
- kelly's day in point form.
- i am sick. again. ran a fever over the weekend, thought i was well yesterday, am running a sore-throat now, think i am not well yet.
- watched an episode of South Park (Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride) & an episode of Sex & the City (A Girl's Right to Shoes) for film today. i am a fan of Sex & the City now.
- was in a supremely bad mood the entire day. i don't usually believe in waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but i'm beginning to think i did this morning. was just on time for the bus and was all ready to hop on when i realised i left my phone on my table. was deciding whether or not to dash up to get it, & finally decided to, but well, missed the bus. boohoo. then. as i was walking out to catch 70 to Serangoon, i discovered that i was missing my gigantic black wallet. was about to turn around to get it when i remembered that i'd left it in dad's car cos i took the car on Saturday but forgot to take my wallet out. cussed & swore then remembered it's supposed to be Ash "Wednesday" & am supposed to be abstaining, then cussed & swore some more before feeling bad about cussing & swearing. & did a little mini cuss at that realization before i clamped my mouth & stopped myself.
- discovered an extremely stubborn blackhead on my nose. am going to try to squeeze it out after chinese new year - i wouldn't want to look like i got bopped in the nose during visiting & have concerned aunties ask me if i am an abuse-victim.
- discovered that i have a permanent resident spider in my toilet. it's been there for 4 bleeping days, & it still hasn't gotten bored of my sink, toilet rolls, & toilet bowl. if i were garfield, i'd have smacked it flat with newspaper long ago.
- i am very certain that i hate Freud, especially my most recent set of readings on transference, & repeating & remembering. it's all a bunch of psychoanalytic theory & what patients will do when you do blah. i understand zip.
- i am not looking forward to chinese new year visiting. at all.
- i am looking forward to week 6 cos it's new media e-learning week. hooray for school-less thursday & possibly friday!
- i am looking forward to weeks 9 & 10 cos my film lecturer won't be in town. no tutorials either, since with no lecture, there's nothing to talk about. hooray for school-less tuesdays! sort of la, i am still considering hecking media writing lectures on those weeks.
- i should be beginning on my film assignment soon. it is due on week 7. i need an A.
- my old wow server is back! say hello to my level 30 human character and level 23 night elf character after 290384903 months. okay, i exaggerate. but i'm rather lost now, i must admit, as i have been playing my level 17 blood elf on a new server all this while, & i'm not used to such high levels of equipment & blah after so long.
- i am very thirsty even though i've drunk goodness knows how many cups of water already. i am going to lose my voice by cny & no one will want to give me my red packets cos i can't greet them.
- i have been peeing a lot. okay. maybe that was too much info.
- i should be reading my last set of readings for tomorrow's psych lit seminar - some of Poe's stories. which should be a lot more digestable than Freud, at any rate.
- i will wake up by 8am tomorrow morning so that i will not miss the stupid 10am bus again.
- i will stop babbling. now.
- watched an episode of South Park (Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride) & an episode of Sex & the City (A Girl's Right to Shoes) for film today. i am a fan of Sex & the City now.
- was in a supremely bad mood the entire day. i don't usually believe in waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but i'm beginning to think i did this morning. was just on time for the bus and was all ready to hop on when i realised i left my phone on my table. was deciding whether or not to dash up to get it, & finally decided to, but well, missed the bus. boohoo. then. as i was walking out to catch 70 to Serangoon, i discovered that i was missing my gigantic black wallet. was about to turn around to get it when i remembered that i'd left it in dad's car cos i took the car on Saturday but forgot to take my wallet out. cussed & swore then remembered it's supposed to be Ash "Wednesday" & am supposed to be abstaining, then cussed & swore some more before feeling bad about cussing & swearing. & did a little mini cuss at that realization before i clamped my mouth & stopped myself.
- discovered an extremely stubborn blackhead on my nose. am going to try to squeeze it out after chinese new year - i wouldn't want to look like i got bopped in the nose during visiting & have concerned aunties ask me if i am an abuse-victim.
- discovered that i have a permanent resident spider in my toilet. it's been there for 4 bleeping days, & it still hasn't gotten bored of my sink, toilet rolls, & toilet bowl. if i were garfield, i'd have smacked it flat with newspaper long ago.
- i am very certain that i hate Freud, especially my most recent set of readings on transference, & repeating & remembering. it's all a bunch of psychoanalytic theory & what patients will do when you do blah. i understand zip.
- i am not looking forward to chinese new year visiting. at all.
- i am looking forward to week 6 cos it's new media e-learning week. hooray for school-less thursday & possibly friday!
- i am looking forward to weeks 9 & 10 cos my film lecturer won't be in town. no tutorials either, since with no lecture, there's nothing to talk about. hooray for school-less tuesdays! sort of la, i am still considering hecking media writing lectures on those weeks.
- i should be beginning on my film assignment soon. it is due on week 7. i need an A.
- my old wow server is back! say hello to my level 30 human character and level 23 night elf character after 290384903 months. okay, i exaggerate. but i'm rather lost now, i must admit, as i have been playing my level 17 blood elf on a new server all this while, & i'm not used to such high levels of equipment & blah after so long.
- i am very thirsty even though i've drunk goodness knows how many cups of water already. i am going to lose my voice by cny & no one will want to give me my red packets cos i can't greet them.
- i have been peeing a lot. okay. maybe that was too much info.
- i should be reading my last set of readings for tomorrow's psych lit seminar - some of Poe's stories. which should be a lot more digestable than Freud, at any rate.
- i will wake up by 8am tomorrow morning so that i will not miss the stupid 10am bus again.
- i will stop babbling. now.
Friday, February 01, 2008
tired.
i am supposed to be going to Walas again tonight, but i suddenly don't feel like it. i'm so exhausted, i'm just ready to fall flat on my back and sleep away all my exhaustion. at the same time, i recognise that i'm tired from somewhere deep inside me, not just physically tired, and i know that no amount of sleep that i can put in will put that right.
perhaps it's all the drama of my exchange disappointments, perhaps it's looking at my workload this sem and being scared out of my wits cos i'm already struggling - & it's only week 3. perhaps it's from the effort of having to drag myself promptly out of bed at 10 every morning to make it to school at the humane time of 12pm. perhaps it's from all the feeling and thinking of the last few weeks, worrying over the most inane things and crying over the most rhetorical perhapses. perhaps it's the feeling of being cut off from the whole world, the feeling that no one would give a damn if i died tonight and cease to exist in their lives tomorrow morning - except the boyfriend. it's a lonely way to live, and i don't know how i got to this state. perhaps that's what's making me so thoroughly wiped out.
i don't feel like leaving the house today for anything. not for tutorial i have at 6, not for the lecture i have at 7, not for Walas where i'm supposed to go after class. it's tiring having to mingle and be happy with people who aren't even that interested in talking to you in the first place, i think. i smile, i laugh, i drink, but in the end, it doesn't wipe away the feelings of loneliness and exhaustion. it's like by doing all these, i'm treating the symptoms, not the root.
okay so i dunno what's gotten into me again, being so depressed and all. i'll be okay, though. periods like that in my life come & go, i've come to accept that. i'll eventually get out of this miserable self-pitying period where doom & gloom are on the menu for the day, and contentment is out of stock.
perhaps it's all the drama of my exchange disappointments, perhaps it's looking at my workload this sem and being scared out of my wits cos i'm already struggling - & it's only week 3. perhaps it's from the effort of having to drag myself promptly out of bed at 10 every morning to make it to school at the humane time of 12pm. perhaps it's from all the feeling and thinking of the last few weeks, worrying over the most inane things and crying over the most rhetorical perhapses. perhaps it's the feeling of being cut off from the whole world, the feeling that no one would give a damn if i died tonight and cease to exist in their lives tomorrow morning - except the boyfriend. it's a lonely way to live, and i don't know how i got to this state. perhaps that's what's making me so thoroughly wiped out.
i don't feel like leaving the house today for anything. not for tutorial i have at 6, not for the lecture i have at 7, not for Walas where i'm supposed to go after class. it's tiring having to mingle and be happy with people who aren't even that interested in talking to you in the first place, i think. i smile, i laugh, i drink, but in the end, it doesn't wipe away the feelings of loneliness and exhaustion. it's like by doing all these, i'm treating the symptoms, not the root.
okay so i dunno what's gotten into me again, being so depressed and all. i'll be okay, though. periods like that in my life come & go, i've come to accept that. i'll eventually get out of this miserable self-pitying period where doom & gloom are on the menu for the day, and contentment is out of stock.
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