tired.

i am supposed to be going to Walas again tonight, but i suddenly don't feel like it. i'm so exhausted, i'm just ready to fall flat on my back and sleep away all my exhaustion. at the same time, i recognise that i'm tired from somewhere deep inside me, not just physically tired, and i know that no amount of sleep that i can put in will put that right.

perhaps it's all the drama of my exchange disappointments, perhaps it's looking at my workload this sem and being scared out of my wits cos i'm already struggling - & it's only week 3. perhaps it's from the effort of having to drag myself promptly out of bed at 10 every morning to make it to school at the humane time of 12pm. perhaps it's from all the feeling and thinking of the last few weeks, worrying over the most inane things and crying over the most rhetorical perhapses. perhaps it's the feeling of being cut off from the whole world, the feeling that no one would give a damn if i died tonight and cease to exist in their lives tomorrow morning - except the boyfriend. it's a lonely way to live, and i don't know how i got to this state. perhaps that's what's making me so thoroughly wiped out.

i don't feel like leaving the house today for anything. not for tutorial i have at 6, not for the lecture i have at 7, not for Walas where i'm supposed to go after class. it's tiring having to mingle and be happy with people who aren't even that interested in talking to you in the first place, i think. i smile, i laugh, i drink, but in the end, it doesn't wipe away the feelings of loneliness and exhaustion. it's like by doing all these, i'm treating the symptoms, not the root.

okay so i dunno what's gotten into me again, being so depressed and all. i'll be okay, though. periods like that in my life come & go, i've come to accept that. i'll eventually get out of this miserable self-pitying period where doom & gloom are on the menu for the day, and contentment is out of stock.