My December thus far, summarized.

The past few weeks since exams ended have been a non-stop whirlwind of activity. I am appalled and surprised, given my sedentary nature.

For the sake of remembering what it was exactly that kept me occupied this December, I will try to recall my days here in this blog. It's hard though, cos it seems to be a special property of December when every day seems to blend into each other, leaving me in one big happy blur of festive cheer and excitement.

3-7 December

I spent 4 days with Clem doing everything ranging from movie-marathoning to suppering and shopping. I also spent the 7th packing for the KL trip, which I did very haphazardly and quickly cos I came home late that night.

8-12 December 

KL was beset by a clan of Angs! :D Flew off to KL in the morning of the 8th and we hit the shops and the food non-stop til we left on the evening of the 12th. It was also my first time in a Malaysian club and I think the Zouk in Singapore pwns the one in KL, anytime. Most boring club I've ever been to in my life. Shopped, ate and spent time with the cousins and Clem, which was probably the best part of the entire 5 days. I like these big family trips, makes me relive my childhood spent with so many people surrounding me.

On the way from the airport to KL itself!

Yellow-table restaurant with super good food.

Salted egg calamari (I liked the salted egg a lot heh), shellfish, satay...

Abriel: RIBENA HUP! :D

Ribena flavoured muachee which was damn hup la.

Where I had the best Peking duck & sio ba in my life.

Just thinking of it makes me want to fly back there pronto!

One of our many feasts!

My very lovely family and boyfriend :)

I'll do a separate post for that soon when I have time to sort through all the photos!

But for now, these will do :)

13 December

I spent this miserable day at home in bed with a very bad bout of cramps.

Was supposed to be helping out for confirmation mass, but I couldn't even get out of bed.

14-15 December

Then off I went to Malacca with Clem, and Tri & Andy! Had such a good time with the bestie and the boyfriend, what more could I want or need? :) Ate a motherload of food, we had something like 5 meals a day. Heh. The hotel we booked was really pretty to boot, was a Peranakan place.

Watched Princess & the Frog too for like half the price it would have been in Singapore.

Some pictures just to sort of remember the gist of the two days:

The view from the other room!

The satay steamboat thingy we had.

Super good at first, but damn jelat after a while!

Fricking good chendol but I think we got ripped off. RM3 bloody hell.

The view of Malacca from the top of the hill of the ruins of the church.

How cool are we, we actually found the night market that the locals frequent.

And we ate ourselves silly. :)

16 December

Went to church with Clem for his Jam with the Lamb session before heading to Timbre to meet up with the CNM girls - Praise, Eunice, Maryanne. I got there too late and they were about to leave already, but that didn't stop Clem and I from staying on to enjoy EIC and some buffalo wings. Hehe.

17 December

Clem's family day - his cousin got married, and it was an all-day affair!

18 December

Went down to school for my first HT meeting with Susan Ang. Was fricking nervous at first but turned out all right :) Was also very re-affirmed by her faith in my intelligence heh.

Came back home and went for a movie with the family.

19 December

Lunched with Clem near his place and went shopping for some of the picnic items for Monday.

Dropped by Timbre in the evening to see Shaun and the guys, before heading off for Geylang tau huey.

And, damn suay, got fined $70 for parking illegally. First time in like 2 years it's happened.

20 December

Went to Marcus's place for a little steamboat cum drinking get-together with some of the lit hons people.

Didn't get to take pics on my cam, so I hope some of the other pics taken find their way to fb soon! Heh.

21 December

CLEM PROPOSED TO ME TODAY.

This definitely deserves a separate post, but I am officially engaged. :) :)

The pretty lilies Clem surprised me with when he came to pick me up :)

22-23 December

The 22nd was spent going down to town to resize my ring and trying frantically to retrieve my exam results via all possible avenues. Finally found out that it was cos owed NUS money. Fricking irritating.

Clem and I also watched Avatar in 3D! :) Really cool stuff there!

The 23rd was spent going down to NUS to pay my stupid bills. Had damn good char kway teow at Ghim Moh market (1/2 queue!!)

Came home and dinnered with Tri dear before heading off to town again to pick up some last minute shopping. I think I also cleaned my room while Tri came over in the afternoon to study.

24 December

Christmas eve!!

Woke up late and spent the afternoon running around the house wrapping presents and cleaning my room. (So random, I know) Went for 9pm Mass cos Clem heard Fr Joe was coming back. But I don't think I like 9pm Mass very much, it just doesn't really feel like Christmas then.

Dropped by Samantha Neubronner's place for Clem's Acts II party, then off we went to Shaun's for the usual Christmas eve hang out. No pics cos I was so demoralized upon finding out that my card reader is not compatible with Windows 7. :( I really need to get one that's Windows 7 compatible ASAP.

25 December

It's Christmas Day!!

Full family day!

 Dragged my carcass out of bed for tea at my dad's side and gift exchange at 3pm.

Rushed over to mom's side for fabulous home-cooked dinner.

26 December

Met up with Denise, Tim and Andy for ice-cream at Udders in the afternoon.

Went for evening Mass then went to Justin's place for the ZJ Christmas party.

Clarke Quay-ed with the guys after that, went to a couple of bars and drank myself somewhat silly. Was spouting nonsense by the time I got home at 4am.

27 December

It's Angs' Day today! It's an annual thing my family has where some branches of my extended family come together to play games and eat for a day. Played games like coconut bowling, bucketball, badminton, and table-tennis. It was Clem's first time there this year! No pics cos I looked horrendous with just 4 hours of sleep last night. Hah.

So that pretty much sums up my December so far. Some of the days deserve separate entries and photo collages, but I have not time or energy to do either at the moment. Also, my computer is not co-operating with me especially after I upgraded to Windows 7. Programmes that I have become so reliant on like Photoshop and Picasa have to be reinstalled. And my WoW!!!!!!! :( :( :(

I am sad that December is fast coming to a close, cos looking back, it's been the fullest month of my entire year. The rest of the year save for the May-June-July break, I have practically no life. Shows how dedicated a student I am. Heh.

I am bushed. I will go sleep now.

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
& what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions.
Rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told & some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait & see.
Someday we'll find it,
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, & me.

Who said that every wish would be heard & answered,
When wished on the morning star?
Someone thought of that,
& someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
& what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it,

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers, & me.

All of us under its spell,

We know that it's probably magic

Have you been half-asleep,

& have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?

The voice might be one & the same.

I've heard it too many times to ignore it,

It's something I'm supposed to be.

Someday we'll find it,

The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers & me.

So the sun rose today and everything seemed much better when I got up. Although, I did get up with a terrible tummyache and headache cos I only managed to fall asleep past 2 last night :/

Popped a panadol and a bottle of po chai pills after breakfast hoping I'd feel better after. Dad drove me to school and I felt like crap in the car. Felt like puking. Ugh. Dunno why also. I arrived in school feeling royally screwed cos 1) I felt shitty and 2) I felt like I didn't study at all in the last 1.5 weeks I spent (wasted, more like) at home. Paper was rather easy, to my surprise, but my glee didn't last long when it hit me that everyone would probably find it easy too. Delayed reaction today heh.

But all that whining aside. EXAMS FOR THIS SEM ARE OVER!! *rubs hands in glee*

Headed to town to meet Clem immediately after I got everything I needed done on campus (ie after I summoned the courage to collect my Forman things - which didn't turn out badly at all by the way :D) We movie marathoned today in our bid to usher in the beginning of the December revelry. Watched Couples Retreat then Ninja Assassin (which was super gory omg). Today was also a day of fantastic food. Tried out the Sakae teppenyaki at Cineleisure, and had The Hand Burger for dinner, which was totally fab. Clem has pics on his phone, so I can't post any thing up. But it was goooooood :)



Okay I shall go to bed soon. Viola's parcel arrived for me today but one item was missing >:( I dunno if she forgot, or if she purposely did it this way cos her stocks are kept in different places or something. Whatever it is, I've emailed her and I hopehopehope she sends my other dress on too. If not, $28 bucks gone, just like that. Sigh. First missing item shopping at BC - definitely NOT a pleasant experience. On one hand, I don't want to be a difficult customer, on the other, I am quite disappointed cos I did pay for my things.

I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR STUPID MONEY ANYMORE.
I HATE YOU.

DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT YOU'RE RUINING MY STATE OF MIND FOR MY EXAM TOMORROW?
NO, OBVIOUSLY NOT.



GO FLY A BIG KITE.
JUST GO.

10-0

I just had a run in with my parents over the most retarded thing ever. Once again, I am extremely disappointed by how all this has turned out - on the eve of my final paper no less. Bravo for bad timing and utter disregard for anyone else.

Superbly timed I must say.


10-0 to the parents this time round.



I think that it's actually sad that I've spent most of my life not wanting to grow up to be like you. Almost a tragedy, actually. Almost, but of course, it wouldn't really matter would it.

What a lazy afternoon this is turning out to be. Like most of my other weekday afternoons, come to think about it. I'm aspiring to be a piglet. Eat, sleep, shop. Well, a chic piglet, then. Heh. My medieval lit preparations are deplorable, I'm so screwed. I have no motivation to touch any academia anymore, I wonder how I'm gonna make it through another year of school. I always thought I'd want to stay in school forever, but I think I've reached a point where I don't really want to continue being a student already and I really wish next sem was my last.

I called AirAsia this afternoon and good God, it was the first time I seriously felt like telling a CS officer off, ever. I'm generally tolerant and I try to be nice because I know it musn't be easy to take calls the entire day. But seriously, does AirAsia employ half-wits for their CS helplines or what? I felt like I was trying to teach a child how to speak English. Bad bad bad service. I am now rethinking flying up to London on AirAsia next year now.


My blogshopping has been quite under control lately. I've sobered up to the reality that I have no more income for the next year and I'm adjusting my spending accordingly. I'm just such a sucker for chiffon and satin dresses, even though I have a dearth of events to attend. What I really need at the moment is a pair of simple black heels and a black waisted belt. Very basic items that will prop up my entire wardrobe.




And I think I may not be able to write my HT on Harry Potter after all. Susan Ang does not like Harry Potter. I shall either have to convince her, or let her convince me. I think it will be easier to just allow myself to be convinced since I am merely an undergrad, without a PHD to my name. First meeting's set up for 17th Dec, 11am. I am half looking forward to it, and half dreading it now. |

Funny, how I completely failed to mention medieval lit on the 3rd of Dec. I think I'm selectively blocking out dates already.

I'm going for a walk with my wing now :)

HARRY POTTER HERE I COMEEEEEEEEEEEE

The week is zooming by far too quickly for me. Before I know it, it's gonna be Friday tomorrow already. And what constructive thing have I done? I can't think of ANYTHING. I still have to call up AirAsia to change the tickets for the KL trip, but it's such a pain in the ass to get through. I really wish I had more hours in my day. The hours are just ticking by me without me even realizing they're passing. :(

Breakfast with Cheryl this morning was good though. Forgot to bring my camera, so didn't take any photos. My hair is really in a terrible state these days anyway, so I wouldn't look good in pictures anyway, so no motivation to take any. Prata then coffee and hours and hours of catching up is really good. :)

On a totally different track, I got my Children's Lit Honour's Thesis topic!!!!!! Am very very grateful that I got it, and that I was allocated Susan Ang for my supervisor. I foresee myself enjoying writing it! I have absolutely no idea how they allocate topics though. :/ Doesn't seem transparent at all. But, I am very grateful, cos my CAP is so bad and I thought I'd be given leftover topics no one else wants to take up. Thank you, God, you obviously haven't left me for dead yet.



Alright have to shower and change to head out to Zirca tonight with Chels. I'm so happening for someone who still has exams next week! :D

medieval lit is not my cup of tea.

I've been trying to study for medieval lit, I really have! It's just so boring and my mind's turned to other things, like how to make more money and well - how to make money, actually. I'm hatching a tuition scheme to take over my estate. Muahahahaha! Yeah right, I can't even hatch a blogshop scheme to make enough money. Sigh. I dunno. I have no interest in medieval lit at all. Well, but Gawain was quite interesting and easy to read. I just need to find some criticism about it so that I can write a decent exam that won't reflect my lack of attention the last 13 weeks of school. All this trying to make up for work not done is very tiring and stressful. The onus is now on myself to create the illusion of being diligent and conscientious and all-together, quite clever. Or rather, not totally vapid.

I was reading Chaucer last night before I went to bed and I actually quite enjoy reading it. I should have started enjoying medieval way before this point, cos that B- on my first essay and a dismal presentation are kinda already there, nothing I can do to get rid of them.

Speaking of getting rid of. I want to get rid of the skinny black/grey-and-white minor cat. It's been bugging me the last few nights, constantly obsessed with trying to climb through my window and sit on my notes. Bloody hell okay! I got a shock early Sunday morning when I saw this four-legged creature at my window, jumping through the top grille and landing on my notes under the sill. I shooed it away and it jumped right through again, and sat outside to stare at me. Annoying cat. I generally like cats, but this is TOO MUCH. So the next night I went to bed with the window mostly closed so that the grille wouldn't be exposed - and to my consternation, I was woken up by scrabbling noises outside my window AGAIN. It was the stupid annoying cat climbing up the netting at my window trying to push the glass aside. Like omg, how persistent and obsessive can you get??? Ugh! I was really damn irritated, so I turned on the air-con last night. Now I think if I see that cat at my house, I'll spray it with the spray gun my mother uses to iron.


But I must say, sleeping with the window safely shut was quite soothing to my frayed nerves last night. Lucky the cat didn't try to jump into my room last week when I was still at the peak of my essaying madness. I think I would have thrown something breakable at it cos my temper was so short then.



There are too many nice clothes in the world, and I have far too little money. I am an economic problem.

I've spent the entire day in school today. Weirdest feeling ever, since I hate coming back to school on non-class days. But my shrub wanted to study in school, so I complied. :D I'm such a nice shrub la, I deserve special flowering fertilizer to help me bloom. Heh.

Well, but I AM glad I came to school. I got to pick up the essays Prof Patke marked! I was terrified of collecting them initially, as I always am before I collect any essay. My fears for philo this sem have been too founded for my liking, as was medieval lit. So I was really damn scared for the two pomo/poco essays. But to my hugest relief, I got two As - an A for the magical realism one, and an A- for the Coetzee one. Can't complain at all, and I am extremely blissed out, cos it's a 100% CA mod. So this means I've secured at least an A- for 60% of the class. I think I got a B+/A- for my midterm test, which was also 30%. So I'm more or less secured of at least a B+ I hope.

I'm trying so hard to read Plato's Republic now for the philo exam on Sat morning, but I'm so unfocussed. I did 3 practice papers today, and my brain is kinda non-responsive. But I need to press on, I need to get an A for the remaining 35% of PH1101E up for grabs. I refuse to be taken down by a level 1 module this sem. I'm gonna pwn the paper on Sat.



And I'm gonna pwn my cramps next month too, I have too many plans at stake. I don't fancy puking my guts out of the car on the way up to Malacca with Clem, Tri + Andy.

The most beautiful woman in the world I may not be, but I am gonna be the world's most ambitious woman for the next second or so.

I cannot begin to describe how delicious it feels to have nothing to do except mindlessly click on the "Hunt" button in Mouse Hunt every 15 minutes, and whiling my time away scheming on how best to spend the tuition fees I've just collected. I'm already planning to spend a substantial portion of it on new clothes, but I'm trying my best to reign in the urge to splurge cos I have so many other things I still want to do with my money. Like saving up for my many many trips, and getting married.


Haha getting married! I sound so solemn and serious! But it's true, must plan what.
I shall stop mousing and go to bed tucked in with a Harry Potter book to put me to sleep.
And, when I wake up, I will know what I should and should not buy. And start reading my philo text for the exam on Saturday.

My medieval lit essay is being born very very painfully. I'm at 7 pages, and almost done, but I feel like it's extremely badly written. I'm already so restless, I want to do so many other things like now. One of the hugest things I feel like doing is to play World of Warcraft, but I can't cos my computer doesn't have enough space anymore. :(


UGH I AM INCOHERENT.


Walk, walk, fashion baby
Work it, move that, bitch, crazy

I am beyond exhausted - if there's a point beyond that. I woke up this morning (if you can call it waking up) feeling like I'd just closed my eyes and blinked, rather than having slept for three hours. So I got up this morning, floating around and feeling like I'm looking through a glass. Tiredness makes one detached. On the other hand, I found my temper excessively short too, and my tongue uninhibitedly sharper than usual. Downed a cup of cheap 60cents coffee from the canteen this morning and I feel somewhat more human now. But still like I'm living in some sort of magical reality. Everything seems so strange, even as they seem familiar.



My fingers are twitching strangely.

last day of classes and i'm gonna be Helen of Troy!

I AM ALMOST DONE WITH MY POCO/POMO ESSAY #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the conclusion to polish it up and tie everything together. C'mon Kelly keep that brain going for just a while longer!!


Anyway, tomorrow is the lit dress-up party! I'm not usually a huge fan of dress-ups and such, cos it's just so mahfun, but since it's the last day of the sem, and I'm in a pretty good mood since after I'm done with this horrendous shitty Coetzee essay, having only ONE paper left to do, I have decided to play along. Because it's late and because I need to try to feel good about myself again, I've decided to go as.............................








Helen of Troy!!

I'm sure my friends will enjoy a good dose of irony, since I am obviously not the most beautiful woman in the world in any sense of the phrase. Irony is a literary concept, and Helen is a character from the Aeneid, so I score double points for my get up!

And I have more superficial reasons for deciding to go as Helen. Just because I have a very pretty white grecian dress and I dunno where else I would wear it to save a wedding or something. :D




What shoes should I wear!! And bag!

My concentration span has all but switched already ugh.
Speaking of concentration, I just remembered that I have a game report due tomorrow at 12 noon. I'm contemplating just rushing it out tomorrow morning at 9am. My brain's too dead to deal with anything else except the conclusion of my essay tonight. Oh, and what shoes/bag to wear/carry. Teehee. :)


I love the feeling of the last day of school!!!

My haul of 5 dresses has arrived in the mail this afternoon! I'm so excited to wear them and post pics of them, but since the boyfriend has my camera, I will have to wait til Sunday to do a massive photo update at one shot. My online shopping directory has expanded 10 fold since I begun, which is.. not good, since I have that much more options open to me now.


Sigh I really feel like I haven't got a life. I keep blogging cos I'm perpetually in front of my lappie, trying to write some essay or the other. I miss my friends, I wonder if they remember that I'm alive. :(

I'm so restless! :( Got jolted out of bed at 10.20am this morning with the infernal drilling coming from two houses down. This, after I went to bed at 4.30am last night. Growl. And it's so bloody disrupting to my concentration, I can't hear myself think. And I NEED to hear myself think cos my mind's such a crowded place at the moment, what with two essays floating around in there.Sigh. My cramps have been starting and stopping again, so I know I'm gonna be incapacitated really soon.


And. I've begun shopping again. :( Couldn't stop myself anymore. Damn I need an alternative source of income ASAP!!!!! Maybe I should start giving even more tuition, since my current stint is about to be over. But I'm such a picky-camper, I only want to teach within my estate cos I don't think I'll be able to properly commit if I have to travel out! How now brown cow? I need a job!! Was toying with the idea of reviving my blogshop again but I don't think I have the heart to - it's so discouraging and more trouble than it's worth! If I do another collection though, I'll be shifting everything over the lj. I've been shopping a lot more recently and I really prefer the comment function that lj affords you. But I'll need to get someone to help me model and get stocks from SOMEWHERE and ugh it's all so competitive these days, I dunno how I can overcome that.

OKAY enough random musing. I need to get right back to work on my poco/pomo essay. I kinda think I know what I want to write already, so let's just see if everything goes as smoothly as I think it should. But then again, things usually don't happen the way you want them to right? Case in point. Heh.

Woots 1 down, 2 more to go! I can take a breath for the next 35min, before I plunge headfirst into my next essay due on Friday. Unfortunately, I really don't know how I should spend this precious time. I've been browsing blogshops the entire day already (again! and I've not bought anything either, 2 pats on the back for me yay!)

Oh hmm my dad just turned the tv on, and Singapore Idol's showing.
Ima check it out for a bit!

I should have been essaying today, but I very shamefully spent a large portion of my day blogshop-surfing, just window shopping and well, window-shopping. I swore to myself I wouldn't buy anything else after yesterday, so I am very proud of myself of making good on my promise today! I need to make sure I stick to it til the end of the month at least cos this blogshopping thing is really a silent money-sucker. It's not as if I'm working and my purchases are in any way justified - the thing is I am not, so I shouldn't be spending like I am. 

The good thing is that I've looked at so many blogshops that I think I've reached a point where I'm starting to see the same thing in every shop, like similar styles - all lacey, crochety, body-con, togas; made in chiffon, silk/satin, usually - so I don't feel a huge urge to buy anything. I wonder if these blogshops even do product differentiation, cos I'm starting to think not. 

That aside. My proposal thingy for Forman due on Thursday is in pathetic shape. I am utterly sick of any Harry Potter related academic thing at the moment, so I am starting to wonder if deciding to do an academic exercise on something I absolutely loved was the stupidest thing I could do. While I still do love reading the books, I swear I will smash my computer screen in if I have to read another pseudo-academic Potter article again.  I've read more than enough of these studies over the weekend already, and I'm thoroughly sick of poring through them. 

And, remembering that I still have a poco/pomo essay due on Friday and a medieval essay due on Monday isn't improving my mood in any way. I'm at this point where I just wonder at why I'm even killing myself over all these, and I'm tempted to just fuck it all and let this sem roll to its inevitable end. My black eye rings are becoming permanent fixtures on my face, and my skin is home to several new pimple tenants. 

OKAY back to my proposal. I WILL get it done by tomorrow morning, so that I can start on poco/pomo. 

i feel like i'm stuck in one of those cyclical time Marquez novels, where time and actions keep repeating themselves and playing themselves out over and over again. i've spent a good portion of my day surfing blogshops, going back to the same blogs over and over again for no particular reason except to see if anything there will catch my eye again. i've gone onto perez a couple dozen times too. i keep playing with my hair, pouring myself cups of water to drink. and flicking the tv switch on and off.


when all's been said and done, i think my essay is just turning out very very badly and i don't know what the hell i'm writing anymore. i should be a lot more panicky, but strangely, i'm not in the least. i'm in this weird Zen state where i'm just doing everything else except my essay. i think i'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist.

ugh and i'm still feeling disgruntled and unsettled and too too restless.

rain & re-runs on cable.

it is freezing today. i am sitting in my living room with the mattress spread out and my favourite blanket wrapped around me as i try to make myself as comfortable as possible so that those creative juices will flow unhindered for the 1st poco/pomo essay due tomorrow. unfortunately, being so comfortable has made me pick up my tv remote for the 1st time in like a year, and i spent a good part of the afternoon channel surfing and watching re-runs of CSI, House, and drooling over those cooking shows on Discovery Travel & Living.

which i suppose is a huge improvement over my incessant urge to blogshop nowadays. i have seriously spent so much money buying things from blogshops. i wouldn't even shop like that when i'm out. i suppose it's cos each piece is priced deceptively at $26-$28, not including postage fees. i've accumulated 4 dresses and a bag so far, and that's not counting all those things that haven't arrived yet.


all this is making me extremely restless. i feel like i should be doing something more substantial with my life other than worrying over essay deadlines and buying a motherlode of clothes which i don't really need to begin with. maybe i should get down to writing that book i've been wanting to write all this while. problem is, i'm totally uninspired and thoroughly sick of writing.

and the brunch i whipped up for myself at 1130am seems like yesterday already. the bacon, eggs and soup have all but disappeared and my tummy's growling like it needs to be fed, pronto. BAH.


on a happier note, i think i shall actually do something tomorrow to celebrate my birthday! yay for me, at least something non-work related i can look forward to. :) :)

can't wait to wear some of my new clothes tomorrow!
okay i sound horrifically shallow and bubble-headed.

who cares, it's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyway.

so for the sole benefit of myself, i shall post up pictures of tomorrow! so that when i look back, i can see what i actually did with my days. :D

GAH

one mightily badly written philo essay down, two reports to churn out by tonight.

i'm fricking tired, having only slept at 6 this morning and crawling out of bed at noon. my head is pounding. i think i'm gonna take a little nap before i start on the reports.

the caterwauling of the cats outside my house is bordering on unbearable now.

the female must be in heat.

no more shopping!

i know i have to finish my philo essay by tonight, or i will not sleep at all. my mind will be buzzing with activity, arguments and counter-arguments running through my head at breakneck speed. i'm about one or two paragraphs away from a very satisfying rest, after which i will have to rouse myself again and work on the medieval lit report AND the game design play test summary report due on Friday. then slog it out over the weekend to put my Harry Potter presentation together for Monday. and then get my act together again to write the first of my two postcolonial essays by Friday. which reminds me, i have to beg for an extension from one of my professors for an essay.

and i'm suddenly feeling terrible. i've spent a motherlode of money on online shopping over the course of the last 3 weeks. what feels even more unjustifiable is the fact that i've only received ONE of the maybe 6 or 7 things i've bought - the rest of them were bought on backorders. i just paid $27.90 for a puff-sleeved dress from Oh So Fickle, which i'm expected to receive only on the 20th of November. i am soooooooooooooo weak-willed, seriously. money just flies out of my hands, even when i don't leave home. i need to get a grip on myself and save so i can shop my brains out when i go to Europe next May (!!!!!!!)

no more shopping.

only essaying.

tuesday night is big bang theory and gg night!

okay i am FINALLY getting somewhere with my essay: i've written an introductory paragraph that i am no longer ashamed to acknowledge.

i'm in two minds as to whether i should prepare my citations using the decidedly unfamiliar Chicago style (which apparently according to my tutor, is the style favoured by the field of academic philosophy, though i have my doubts on this), or the very-familiar MLA style which i have been memorizing and practising since the start of this semester.

sigh. i am turning out to be such a nerd. soon, i'll have fixed days for fixed routines, like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

Tuesday night is Big Bang Theory and Gossip Girl night.

milk a few cows

i've been doing A LOT of blog shopping these days. having to stay home to do my work hasn't dampened my shopping spirit at all. in fact, it's made me want to shop more, cos the ability to buy something is just there - with the sending of an email.

i woke up early cos i couldn't really sleep. and i wanted to do the 1st para of my philo essay which i was supposed to do last night but didn't. had my morning coffee (note to self: find good coffee ASAP!), and some breakfast, confirmed my purchase of a black toga dress from BC, and am gonna TRY to start on my philo essay now.

and of course, picked out my outfit for school today already. that was the first thing i decided on when i got up this morning. sometimes, it feels like the self-satisfaction of wearing all my pretty clothes is all i have to look forward to each day i have to go to school, especially since a) no one really cares how i look like in school anymore, and b) i don't really care about what goes on in school anymore. maybe the two are interlinked, but don't quote me on that - yet.

i've taken to blabbering a lot here now that i no longer have facebook. it feels a bit liberating, actually, to be honest. try it some day, you'll find that not being tied to an online profile frees you immensely. sometimes, i wish i were born before all this technology was invented. i think i'd much prefer life before it became so wired up and connected. all there is to do is just milk a couple of cows a day and clean a few chamberpots; lace up my boots and tie myself up in my corsets.

♥

so today i was supposed to stay home and start on my philo paper.

the one i have to do superbly for? yeah.

i dawdled most of the day away, feeling far too hot to want to do anything except roll around in bed with the fan blowing right at me. i felt like a lizard basking in the heat.

writer's block seems to be my best friend this semester, it's been plaguing me since week 3.

so in a heroic effort to get past that, i grabbed my pad of paper and took myself downstairs, hoping that the change in scenery would inspire me a bit. i stared at the lush, overgrown mess of plants i like to call my garden. and waited for the muse of deep thoughts to visit me. scribbled on my pad of paper, and realised how nice it is to write with a pen on a piece of paper. we don't do enough of that these days.

Clem came over and we cooked a (possibly!) healthy meal of chicken and bacon burgers with caramelized onions and an egg each.

♥

took a walk out after that to get us some Paddlepop to satiate that sweet tooth a bit. Clem's been the sweetest, accommodating me now at my essay-writing bi-aaaaatchy worst, and more - coming over to keep me company, cooking for me, making sure i don't kill myself from frustration.

and speaking of frustration. there was a very pitiful cat meowing outside my house the entire day today. i wonder what happened to it? did it lose its kittens or what.

i've showered and i feel all nice and fresh. time for me to try to write my first paragraph of my philo essay!

it's a saturday night and i'm spending it at home trying to get my thoughts together. and trying to read endless stacks of books/papers for my stream of essays due within the next 3 weeks.

oh, and i've deactivated my facebook account. just so i can concentrate a bit better. facebook is TOO distracting.

i have decided to put my life in order again. no more whining and moping. i need to be fit and fabulous again to face the last few weeks of this tiresome semester. in an attempt (perhaps feeble) to stave off my mounting panic, i shall list out all my deadlines here, then tackle them one by one.

week 11

26 Oct (Monday): game design reflection item

29 Oct (Thursday): philo final essay and 3 comments

30 Oct (Friday): medieval lit presentation report

week 12

2 Nov (Monday): research workshop presentation

6 Nov (Friday): postcolonial long essay on Coetzee

week 13

9 Nov (Monday): research journal and presentation report, and game design presentation

13 Nov (Friday): medieval lit essay & postcolonial independent project on magical realism

okay. that doesn't seem too bad. i can do this. i can do this.

and while i'm at it, i'll try to ensure my social life does not disintegrate more than it already has.

ugh it's just a simple matter of toiletries, why do you have to go and complicate everything by trying to make everything about what YOU want? i don't get it. it's so trivial, really. where does it matter where i get my stuff from? why does it matter that i don't share your view? IT DOESN'T, so GET WITH IT.

the life of a game designer does not become me at all. i am far too impatient and unable to keep tinkering with minute details to do an even remotely decent job. having been at this since 11am this morning, i am getting grouchy and sleepy. my back hurts, and i have immeasurebly bored. i am somewhat incredulous that i am spending my thursday doing this when i have far more pressing things to attend to - like the Coetzee presentation i'm giving tomorrow at tutorial, for instance.

yawn.

sitting on the bus people-watching today, i thought to myself that the price-tag of your dress probably means nothing to me. if your dress cost you a million bucks but you (very sadly) don't look like that when you wear it - then it ain't a million-dollar-dress. conversely, if you can wear a twenty-five dollar dress and look like a million dollars in it, you've got yourself a million dollar dress, baby.

my linguistic abilities have all but abandoned me this past week, leaving me fumbling for words.

and sigh, i really am falling asleep on my chair as i type this. this is boring me out of my mind.

truth which is true for me

i am always in search of a truth which is true for me, and the idea for which i can live and die.

i have a research test in about 3.5 hours, and here i am, sitting here, spouting philosophical lines. i amaze myself sometimes - so whimsical, so happily deluded.

empty barrels

the weeks ahead promise to be tough ones, and i am not looking forward to it. to my consternation i found myself in the compromising position of having TRIPLE deadlines on the same day - each of them extremely important being 100% CA. that would be far off in the horizon of week 13, but it looms over me like a huge gloomy rain cloud; i know i cannot escape the thunderous downpour when it starts, whichever direction i run. today, i have downed two panadols in my bid to stave the monthly torture of cramps away so i can concentrate on my essay due tomorrow. i slept badly last night, cos my tummy was aching the whole night. as was my heart, but i am determined to put that aside for now so i can concentrate. and focus.

in a fit of wanting to please myself, i ordered a dress from a blogshop last night. and i hope it's gonna be worth my money. i have been forced to stay away from the shops ever since September begun, having been swamped every single weekend by some deadline to meet or the other.

i am wasting my ability to sit up and type properly on all this random musing. i should really be typing furiously away at my essay.

why does it never seem to be enough? i need more time in my day, i find myself busy from the moment i get up to the time i crawl into bed. i am perhaps not different from the average Joe, having to struggle for what i want - and not always getting it, either. i am making erroneous judgements increasingly frequently these days, and my fuse has been far too short. i have been focussing on the wrong things, have spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. in short, i have been pathetic, and you know how i detest weakness and failure. i have always found it hard to believe in the maxim "it's better to have tried and failed then to never have tried." i'm the sort of person who tries something only if i'm certain enough of success. so when i fail, it's a sucker punch cos i always take calculated risks. it seems like my calculations these days have been terribly inaccurate, cos i seem to be succeeding at nothing. i wrack my brains to figure out what could have gone wrong, what i could have done better, and i am pathetically unable to come up with anything satisfactory. this is perhaps an indication of how i'm not the queen of my life, of how the control i try to exert is ultimately futile. a reminder of how there is something greater in life, someone far greater than my mortal self could ever fathom - that watches over me as i try, fail, and try again, each time increasingly disillusioned and disheartened. the barrel is almost empty, it needs to be refilled with wine this time.

every night she cries herself to sleep

thinking why does this happen to me

why does every moment have to be so hard?

i do believe that it's not over tonight

just give me one more chance to make it right

i may not make it through the night,

i won't go home without you.

writer's block

this seems to be an almost semestral complaint, but i am having a massive case of writer's block at the moment. MASSIVE. i have typed half a sentence in the last hour, and it's not even a nice half-sentence. i'm about to backspace on my keyboard even as i type this, and then my entire document would be blank again.

i am massively stressed out.

i'm not Chuck Bass without you.

the only way to define something without compromising on its authenticity is to define it with something that doesn't derive its value from something else. something that's absolute in itself.

but what is absolute, really? nothing seems to me to be absolute in itself, except God.

and while i think about that, i am also mulling over the limits of human understanding and perception.

not because i am a profound person, but because i have to write two essays.

and i watched the new season of gossip girl this morning. and really liked what Chuck said to Blair, when Blair worries about their relationship getting boring.

Chuck: We could never be boring.

Blair: You say that, but I know you. You're Chuck Bass.

Chuck: I'm not Chuck Bass without you.

one of those awwwww tv moments that lingered on in my head long after the scene had disappeared from my screen.

this game design module i'm taking is really influencing me to wanna play more games. i just spent the last 2 hours playing random online games just for the heck of it. the last game i played was this flower bouquet making game.

sigh.

i'm acting as if i'm on holiday. and, i'm staying off WoW like the plague. it's like Pringles: once you start, you can't stop. so i'm not starting.

tonnes and tonnes of work to do, so many presentations to do, hence i have no time to be nervous about any of them. i reckon i'll sweat bullets like 2 hours before the actual presentation but right now, i'm just like. whatever. deal with it.

okay i am quite tired i think.

save me from drowning in the sea

so i went to the beach today with a bottle of wine and the love of my life. it didn't matter that the sky was crackling with lightning, that the waves were rushing furiously on to the shore, that the wind was whipping my hair about.

what i did was to kick off my shoes, sipping wine straight off the bottle. lay on his chest, listened to his heart beating. listening to his steady heartbeat always fools me into thinking that we could be immortal, that we would never die. and yet, just as tonight becomes the next morning, the days slip through my hand, no matter how i try to hold on to every second. every moment tonight, so precious.

the sweet taste of the wine still lingers on my tongue even as it's long passed through my mouth.

i do hope the two pairs of heels i saw at Zara will still be there this weekend. i do think that i might really want them.

i do feel invincible sometimes when i slip on my heels and strut down the street. when i feel so alive, i wonder, how can i ever not be?

The Cat's Tail

an appeal to all my friends.

please please please support my blogshop! and tell all your friends about it too!
http://thecatstailshop.blogspot.com


it's something i'd like to see take off. shopping is, after all, a huge part of my life. :)

a series of unfortunate events

being various kinds of sick and unwell the last two days have given me a new perspective on things. i haven't been this lonely, sickly, and miserable since i came back from Canada, and perhaps i was beginning to take all i had for granted again. lost in all my illusions of grandeur and superficial dreams, i found myself swept along the tides of illusory splendour, caught up in a pathetic day-to-day existence. there is perhaps much to be said about the person who spends her time wishing she could have more money, wishing she were cleverer, wishing she were someplace else. it paints a very unsettling picture of me, and i don't like it. i am lost in a huge maybe, never exactly embracing who i am, where i am. i whine over opportunities that have flown me by, moan over my inadequacies - and then it strikes me, maybe i'm missing the point of this all, entirely. i should not be weeping over what i lack, that's just not how God made me. i should be looking at what i have, and doing things with these. Fr. Luke's homily over Assumption weekend made me realise that enacting a positive change in my life doesn't require me to suddenly sprout supermodel long gams or be anything other than what God has made me to be. everything i need to be happy is already in my possession. everything else that i lack, is inconsequential. maybe i need to redefine "happiness", maybe i need to get off that Fake Grandeur wave that i've been happily carried upon and start swimming back to shore so i can feel the solid outline of Reality once more under my feet.

i really outdid myself today in terms of misery. totally caught offguard by the insidious onset of a particularly nasty gastric flu bug, i was in unexpected pain (which i thought could be cured by either a) various kinds of medicine, or b) various kinds of food), which led to unexpected misery. after throwing up every and any thing i ate, from harmless digestive biscuits to supposedly digestive-friendly bananas, i was beginning to believe that i was on death's doorstep. all the medication i had taken in the hopes of eradicating my pain was promptly thrown up too (i actually identified them in the toilet bowl). i refused to believe that i had a case of gastric flu, so i refused to sit on the toilet bowl on the off-chance that i found out that i was having diarrhoea. anyway, i was too busy trying not to throw up my entire stomach through my mouth, so i couldn't quite concentrate on anything other than throwing up. turns out that once i'd proven that theory right, the pain miraculously started to ebb a bit. that didn't take away my misery though, and i spent a whole hour frantically trying to call the people who i thought would care if i died in my bed or not. the only person who actually picked up the phone was Trina (Dad doesn't count cos i couldn't bawl to him while he was at work, and i don't think he knows what to do with weeping overaged daughters, anyway), and i proceeded to pour out my misery in great bouts of hiccups and much swallowing of tears. this all just made me realise that perhaps i was taking her for granted a bit, which made me bawl even more cos i felt so bad and so relieved that she still bothered enough about me to not want me to die from misery and pain by my lonesome.

i am a very bad girl, i know. :/

so the long and short of it all is that. i am feeling much better now. and i have rediscovered who and what are important to me. and i am perhaps still not that grown up yet.

i am disappointed with myself. this is, perhaps, affirmation that i am simply not good enough, simply too overreaching. this is probably bordering on the dramatic, but i cannot help but feel that i have somehow let myself down again. i have to believe in that, because the alternative is simply that i am just not good enough, and i cannot believe that. believing that would rob me of every shred of self-belief i possess, and i cannot allow myself to fall apart like that.

the world no longer feels like my oyster.

got my special sem results today. i know it seems like a weird habit, posting about my results every semester. it's like i have some obsessive compulsive disorder. but it's become a habit after so many consecutive semesters of doing the same thing. duh, that's what a habit is. anyway. i am disappointed. a B+ is far from satisfying. :( but i am trying to remind myself that i completely deserve it because 1) i stupidly signed up for FOC - which was two days before my exam. and 2) i was too bloody lazy to participate in any way. and oh 3) i didn't read 4/5 of my readings.

so yes trying hard to be grateful here.

trying, trying.

missing piece

i wonder how long this will all hold out for, this delicate balance that sees me perched precariously on the edge of the precipice. the threads that hold me together are tight with the tension, and i fear that just that wee bit more tension will break everything i've been working so hard to pull together. there is no fat cat in my garden today to distract me, no woodpecker hovering around the tree. it's just me and my thoughts, wishing the tepid breeze would chill itself into something slightly more wintry. shadows still dance on the pink garden wall, though - slipping into each other and changing the fundamental shape of its being. the sun blazes a strange amber today, casting an orange light onto the grass blades. the air is thick with it - can't you just taste it? it's tingling on my tongue, in my nostrils, and i'm awash in it. nothing, nothing you do can take this away from me, my mind is my sanctuary and my haven. even if the world should stop revolving, spinning slowly down to die, i'd spend the end with you, & still choose this over anything else. rainbow-swirled paddlepops and crushed kiwi smoothies make my heart soar, even as i wish that the paddlepop never melts and the smoothie never finishes. but as i said before, the paddlepop must melt, the smoothie must reach the bottom of the cup.

so the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle fit perfectly together, save that one missing piece at its heart that spoils the undeniably perfect fit.

white horses

like the golden leaves of fall giving way to snow sheets of winter; like the rain that has to fall from the sky when black clouds rendevouz; like the passage of time forcing me to become one year older each year - so, the chick must become a chicken, the sweet apples go rotten, the inevitable come. hummingbirds hover around the hibiscus flower, butterflies flit from bloom to bloom, the iridiscent throat of the kingfisher reflecting the sapphire of the water surface. i am surrounded by beauty, and yet i see the infernal inescapable maggots that eventually reaches everything. somehow, somewhere, death has touched me and its grip has changed me, its effects irreversible. death of a loved one, death of a love. many ways to die.

and while i sit here staring out at my garden, watching the boughs of the bingbing tree sway in the sticky breeze, watching the fat white cat with black patches slide sinuously through the gaps in the fence padding its way softly across the wild grass, i am lost in my thoughts, lost at sea. now the cat meows, and i am shaken out of my reverie of pastel shades and angry gashes. i am caught in an infinite second in my mind, it stretches on forever even as the songs on my itunes in the background keep shuffling along their playlist marking the passing of seconds, minutes.

i contemplate what it means, and am unable to come to any agreeable conclusion. everything my mind reaches at, i reject. how disagreeable. i am restless and yet lethargic, i yearn to do something that would poke holes through the safe cellophane that envelopes me - and yet i am held back by the comfort of amniotic fluid, safe and safer. i do know that even as winter comes, spring will come again, the grass will emerge from the frozen ground again. i do know that the rain will eventually stop, the sun will shine again. but what those wise philosophers never point out is that not every spring is the same. every winter is slightly different. every winter leaves different indelible marks on the land it passes through.

not wanting to sound overt today, i shall leave out the mandatory sad song i like to end my posts with. but i do know that i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. i do know i was a dreamer before you come and let me down. and i do know that it's too late for you and your stupid white horse to come around.

because i'm now a princess, this is my fairytale. i'm still a dreamer, after you never let me down. and it's never too late for you and your white horse to come around. i've found somebody who actually treats me well. and i do know that this is a big world, not a small town, not hollywood.

it's not too late, catch me now.

my exam is tomorrow.

and i am interested in doing nothing but completely retarded facebook quizzes.

ANYTHING, but studying.

gotta get some healthy motivation here, girl!

there's a song that's inside of my soul, and it ain't sunshine.

sitting in my room during CSS FOC doesn't sound like it's exactly the most social thing to do. i am, however, trying to study for my exam this saturday and hence have to suppress my kaypoh nature just for this next week. i hardly slept a wink last night, tossing and turning til 5 in the morning. it was dreadfully fitful sleep, as i dozed off, woke up, and dozed off again repeatedly til the sun came up. i am going to try to catch a bit of shut eye before i try to study in the afternoon - i am so optimistic, i am the sunshine of my own life.

there's a song that's inside of my soul

it's the one that i've tried to write over and over again.

i'm awake in the infinite cold

yet you sing to me over and over and over again

so i lay my head back down

and i lift my hands and pray

to be only yours i pray

to be only yours, i know now

you're my only hope.

facebook is a time waster.

@%^%&^@#^&@^ 

i have just facebooked 15min of my precious life away in a semi-zombie state - i am very very tired but am forcing myself to finish my reading for tutorial tomorrow.

operation presentation is failing miserably by the way. i have too many things on my mind to focus on turning out a good presentation. by monday. 

best idea i ever had, taking this special sem module when my heart isn't really in it. 

my heart's in my warm bed. i always can't wait to go to bed and i hate getting up in the mornings. 

she's in fashion

after a nearly 2 month hiatus, i'm back! i didn't see a point in posting anything when i didn't feel like it. to be perfectly honest, i am still bordering on uninspired. these days have been filled with afternoon classes (2pm-4pm should be declared official nap time) that have seen me struggling to read enough to keep up. the 4th week of special semester is about to be over and i am entirely unprepared for anything - exams are in 2 weeks (!!!!)

my lack of inspiration is carrying over to my presentation, which beckons to be done by monday. every idea that runs through my head seems closer and closer to retarded, and i must admit i'm getting a little worried. perhaps my brains have truly atrophied from lack of usage and my total brain capacity has shrunk. 

that aside, i am extremely tempted to go shopping. i have not shopped since coming back from Guelph (for good reason, my mother might add), but i am starting to feel restless at my unchanging wardrobe. this has got to be the longest period where i have not bought ANYTHING at all. save for one party dress - i have not bought anything since coming home. my roving eye has seen many pretty things but my paltry allowance has stopped me from procuring any of my objects of desire. i want gladiator heels, lots and lots of them. i want new black skinnies, and black shorts too. i want a new hairstyle, but it's taking forever to grow out. arghhhh. i am having one of those dissatisfied days at the mo, i'm sure it'll all pass eventually.

okay i will perservere in my research for the presentation before picking Carol up for supper.

think fashion!

i've been back in singapore for almost a week and a half already but it seems like i've never really left. canada is receding further and further into the back of my mind already, and i'm trying to remember what it was like there for me when i am now surrounded by the all-too-stifling reality that is the heat of singapore. it seems like all i can remember from my 3 months in guelph was the cold. i miss the weather so much. i know, it seems like such a trivial thing to miss about a country, but it's not just weather. being here now has made me realise that the weather has more influence in our lives than i thought it had. i'm constantly sluggish here in singapore because it's just too hot to do anything, my brain shuts down in the tepid heat. 

i am going to sleep now. i am slightly incoherent.

now we're back to the beginning.

having had a really lovely Easter with my uncle and aunt in oakville, tonight i find myself really sad that i'm leaving canada so soon. i feel like i'm the most confusing person ever cos i was complaining so much in the beginning and now, i'm complaining too - about not wanting to go. but i do not want to sleep tonight cos that would mean that monday's coming, and with the arrival of monda - , tuesday, and then i'm gone from here. (CLEMENT CHUA, DON'T TRY TO CONFUSE ME BY ASKING ME PATHETICALLY WHETHER I PREFER STAYING HERE OVER COMING BACK TO SEE YOU - THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT AT ALL! haha)

i feel so SAD, i find myself unable to articulate exactly what i feel. going back to reality is never as fun as you thought it'd be. i'm really gonna miss all that i had here, i wish i could have it all. but we always have to choose, we can never have everything we want. if we could, the whole subject of economics can just be shut down now because it's utterly redundant - economics is built on the premise of unlimited wants desiring very limited resources, and opportunity cost.

i'm going home to be an adult.

i feel like i'm going back to a beginning of a circle, somehow. 

FOCUS

I AM HAVING A MASSIVE CASE OF WRITER'S BLOCK NOW.

my essay is just not cooperating with me. i am majorly upset.

i have to get at least SOME of it done tonight, so i can start studying for my classical myth exam on sunday. i am so stressed. sigh. and my packing is going horrendously. aaaaaaahh!!

okay focus focus focus!!

i feel like disabling my facebook for the next two days. it's such a time waster.

it's just the beginning

three exams in three days and an essay right in the middle of it all is driving me absolutely crazy. i am a nervous wreck, and my room is an absolute war zone with scribbled notes and printed lecture slides strewn everywhere. my books are all over the place, like my wits. i am a ball of tension at the moment, and my mind is so tired from having to be so active all the time. i have no time to feel anything at all, which is such a waste actually, cos i'm leaving so soon. i guess this is exactly what i deserve for months of utter abandon where my work is concerned.

and i am leaving in less than a week's time. but that is far away in my mind still, because i have an exam at 830am tomorrow morning, another exam on thursday, and i have managed to beg my lecturer for an extension for my essay - which i happily have to finish by sunday. and, my final paper on monday. i've only barely begun, and my mind is so frazzled already. i fear for my essay. i won't have much time to rally myself on thursday and churn out 12 pages by sunday. that, and the fact that i'm supposed to visit my aunt and uncle the same weekend too. joy! i will be exhausted when i reach Singapore.


i am going back to my Elizabethan lit notes. i am not even attempting to sleep yet because i know that my mind will be too active to rest now, so i will try to memorize quotes from my notes for my essays tomorrow.

this is the first time i have been around people who are so utterly self-absorbed, so feckless in their actions, so self-centred and unconcerned for anyone else around them. i am mightily annoyed. my housemate seems to think it's perfectly nice and wonderful to have study parties all throughout the weekend. it would be absolutely fine if they actually studied in relative silence. it is not fine at all if all they do is talk at levels far surpassing 33 decibels. i know, cos i had to stick ear plugs into my ears this morning and i could hear every single annoying syllable through my 33-decibel ear plugs. for some reason, the north american accent carries much farther. it is so annoying. i am so annoyed. i hate rude people who think the world revolves around themselves. if i can hear you through my ear plugs and music, i do think you are being too fricking loud. heck, i shouldn't even have to wear ear plugs in my own home.

pooh. times like this, i can't wait to go home.

i am listening to final fantasy music now as i attempt to study. 

i miss playing.

so we are all entitled to a little bit of privacy, i wonder if it entitles us all to Lying every once in a while for that bit of life to remain entirely our own. but you know, perhaps that's the folly of my thought, in even thinking that there's any part of my life that belongs entirely to Myself. i feel myself being pulled from twenty different directions simultaneously, every exertion meeting an equal resisting force, supposedly. if i could split myself up into two, maybe three, and each Me could work on something on the 10-foot long to-do list i have pinned up in my too-claustrophobic head - it'd be perfect. 

one more week to go, and i wish the week weren't so filled with too important and at the same time, too unimportant final exams and essays. i love spring time so much, it's the time of year when i feel like the world's my oyster. there's a tingling sense of anticipation in my very fingertips, i feel like something's gonna happen all the time. the air i breathe feels like enchanted air, it's both heavy and light with hope. 

so i start a revolution from my bed 
'cause you said the Brains i had went to my head 
step outside, the summertime's in bloom 
stand up beside the fireplace 
take that look from off your face 
you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out. 

poker face.

the last few days have seen me go to all my classes with surprising determination to see this through with dignity. it might have everything to do with my deplorable 0.5/20 for a recent quiz - or it might have everything to do with the realization that this will all be over in exactly two weeks. whatever it is, i am trying hard to grasp on to every single minute i spend awake, trying to make this time count for something. and it's not difficult, considering how much i have to do. just thinking about it all makes me feel like i'm not getting enough air. 

spring is really and truly here, with spring showers and green grass everywhere. i'm sad that i won't get to see my entire front lawn turn green before i go though, cos i think it'll take at least one more month for all the newly awake shoots to poke their way out from the earth after a winter's sleep. i find it highly highly ironic that i'm wishing i could stop time for just a bit more, because i don't want to go home yet. i find it amusing that i would do anything to slow time down now when just two months ago, i was wishing i could fastforward my life to this point in time. 

going home would mean returning to all things beloved. but that would mean the end of this, and the beginning of one more month in Singapore. at this point in time, being twenty-one and wishing i were sixteen again, wishing i could re-do so many years of my life from my vantage point now - i wonder if i've seen myself in twenty years' time and ruefully wishing i had done things differently when i was twenty-one. and i am convinced that that would be me at forty-one, because i know there'll always be something i regret because of one choice or the other i've made. there's the ideal, and there's the real, and i'm starting to think that never the twain shall meet. 

oh and i stubbed my toe on the door last night, causing the corner of my big toe nail to split from the rest of the nail, and a strange flap of skin to separate itself from my toe. it bled, and it hurt, and oh yes, i'm human and i'm still alive. the only thing i am annoyed about is that my nail is ruined, my ability to wear covered-up shoes is ruined because of the patch of bloody skin, and it hurts. 

cos i'm bluffin' with my muffin,

you can't read my poker face.

i am faced with two more weeks of Guelph, 10 weeks' worth of reading, a wedding powerpoint to whip up, and three bags to be packed. 

how i wish i didn't go through my entire sem spaced out and disinterested.

it's always like that, and i'm always aware that it's too late for regrets. so why don't i just not let myself get to this point where i wish i could have done things differently? i suppose if i actually managed to not do that, i wouldn't be me. 

alright whatever. i want to sleep so badly, but i have to read Homi Bhabha by today.

omg omg omg my essay is totally not coming together. i am slightly panicked because i have no concrete battle plan to save this disastrous paper.

and my cramps are haunting me.

i am pmsing severely.

the hormones are wrecking havoc in my body and i know it, because i am in an incredibly foul mood for the stupidest reasons ever, - and guess what, i know that too. but i can't help it, i'm feeling extremely grouchy, and i think i become more needy this time of the month, too. it's almost inexplicable, how i have no control over my emotions as they just ravage me and leave me feeling awashed in too many un-nameble feelings: anger, disappointment, sadness, misery, just to name a few of the cocktail of emotions that's coursing through me.

all this while, i just want to hear your voice so that maybe, maybe it'll all go away and i'll stop bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason. but because you can't, i'll have to weather this myself for once, and all i know is that i'm unbearably sad. for no apparent reason.

must be the PMS. 

ARGH

i am severely PMSed today. i feel like oscar the grouch who lives in a trash can. i'm so grouchy, i don't even want to be cheered up. i suppose i'm wallowing in my grouchiness. my essays are not cooperating with me. the one i've managed to squeeze out extremely painfully is extremely BAD. i would fail myself for it. unfortunately, i foresee my lecturers wanting to fail them too.

and checking out overweight baggage rates are extremely depressing. 

it is almost inevitable, this overweight thing. i wish i could call nwa up and beg them to let me leave with my two bags - whatever weight they are - because i've been here for four months and am never coming back again. my whole life is supposed to fit into 46kg of luggages? i somehow don't think so.

this baggage allowance thing is totally a pain in the ass. so shoot me for having to bring 4 months' worth of things home. 

which reminds me. i have to check shipping rates out tomorrow.

asinine

my favourite word of the week is asinine by the way.

it's so very succinct. and, i love the way it rolls off my tongue.

asinine.

which is what i am, for blogging about something so retarded when i have an essay and a half waiting for me in the background on Microsoft Word.

it's odd how i have so much work to do but i'm bored. it's like i have no desire to churn out my essays anymore, i just want everything to stop right now so i can go home. that, or if i were permanently here. i hate being in limbo, in the state of being still here but no longer really here in a matter of weeks. it's making me feel antsy and lethargic and so many things at once. i want to go home, but i don't want this adventure to end so soon either. cos once i go home, all my responsibilities come flying back at me. i'm existing in a bubble world here, i know. i'm not even a proper student, for crying out loud. i make guest appearances in class. i wake up when i feel like waking up. i sleep in when it's raining. i do what i want. i can hide from the world for days. i can go out downtown and party without worrying about having to make it to class the next morning. i can just pack my bags and go off somewhere for the weekend. i can just.. be.

while i know i spent weeks whining about my being here in this god-forsaken corner of agricultural Canada, i know i'm gonna miss being here when i'm back in the mad rush that is Singapore. i'm gonna miss looking out of my window and just looking at the clouds float by in the sky, the squirrels that dash by me on my way to school.  whilst i know i am a city girl at heart, i do know for sure i'll miss the almost-tranquil pace of life here in moments of severe essay stress come September. well, not that i'm not suffering from essay stress here too. but seeing the cars jammed bumper to bumper on the Singapore roads just kinda increases my heartrate and adds to my stress, it's like how seeing what i feel inside acted out in the world around me.

and my mind keeps playing and replaying every single moment, i wish i could just switch it all off. i wonder at so many things, if only it wasn't all so murky. the strangest things trip my memory. i find myself entangled in wispy shadows that seem all-too-solid. 

i think perhaps it is the moment of betrayal, when i will always continue to relive that betrayal. it never becomes any less painful, it's always as real when it stabs my heart and twists itself. i am betrayed every single day of my life by that one moment - i wish i could leave it all behind.

it scares me, but i think i hate you more with every passing day.

and it saddens me to think that i am the only one suffering with this. purely because i am stupid and i cannot let go.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

i will make it for my 930am class tomorrow.

small girl, big dreams

on a Friday night in Guelph, i find myself planning for my immediate future back home in Singapore. which will be my present in four weeks' time. so many things i want to do when i get back home, so many things i have to do in preparation for going back home, too. i have big plans for such a small girl, i'm scared, sometimes. i wonder if it's better to not have lofty dreams, if only so that there's none of that failed ambition bit that i'm sure haunts many the driven woman at Age 45 come mid-life.

sometimes i wonder at my utter lack of apparent gifts and talents, and then i chide myself for being so self-effacing to the point of myopia. there are days when i feel like a blob of cells breathing and taking up oxygen in the world, there're other days when i feel purpose coursing through my very veins.

today has seen me feel a bit of both.