surrealism

i'm the first in the office this morning! besides the cleaning ladies la. but yes, i'm Very Early this morning. slept super early last night cos i wasn't feeling too good, then popped out of bed this morning at 7.20am. well, okay la. popped out would be euphemic. dragged myself out would be more like it. =D

these early morning solitary stints in the office have such a surreal feel about them. it's like i'm the only one alive in this box-like place, walled into my cubicle. all i hear is the sound of the massive air-conditioners somewhere up in the high ceiling, the clicking sound of my typing, and my own breathing. that's it.

makes me feel like i exist in my own dimension. with just myself and absoutely no one else present. it's a somewhat nice feeling, cos i'm feeling myself so completely.

then i plug into my mp3 player but that doesn't change anything, cos it's so quiet still that i can hear my typing behind the music. every single sound is amplified in this silence. as i said, surreal.

results came out yesterday! that was a surreal feeling too, actually. i did rather all right this sem, and i'm still allowing the feeling of being a reborn okay student sink into me. i've been a lousy student the past year, according to my results. but now, i think i'm starting to be okay again. :) was really happy. and grateful to God for not abandoning me even when i abandoned myself throughout the sem. much thanks to Him to be given for this sem!

everything else in my life seems to have taken a rather surreal quality about them, too. my daily routine runs like clockwork now, cos of the structure of being an office-worker. at night, i have one thing or the other to do, one person or the other to meet. i haven't had time at all to laze around at home and nap or play endless games on my laptop. haven't had time to curl up in bed with my book. haven't had time to watch whatever's on the tv. i just do everything i need to do then plop into bed at night. the days seem both not long enough for me and too long for me at the same time. the former cos i have no time to do everything i wanna do, the latter cos i have too much to do and not enough energy to do it all.

even this morning, having had the luxury of almost 8 hours of sleep the night before (which is the amount of sleep i've had in the previous 2 days put together) - i'm tired and sluggish, and my eyes hurt. had a slight fever last night cos of all the activity, but i managed to shrug it away by the time i woke up.

have been having funny dreams the past few nights also. i wake up in the mornings feeling distinctly unsettled, but i can't remember why most of the time. the one that i remember most clearly was the dream i had of living my life backwards, seeing myself get killed and trying to live it such that i could undo my own death. that got me thinking - the thought of living life back to front. it probably couldn't happen in the natural world since it messes up the threads of time and chronology as we know it.


it's true, we're all a little insane/but it's so clear, now that i'm unchained/fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time/you poor sweet innocent thing/dry your eyes and testify/one day i'm gonna forget your name. sweet sacrifice/evanescence

enough is enough.

okay it's Christmas and supposed to be a happy day - & it has been, for most of the day. but you know, i've realised some things after all the busyness of the gift-exchanges and photo-taking.

i've decided that i'm not gonna argue with him anymore for someone who probably doesn't even appreciate it anyway. you can't just waltz in and out of my life expecting me to be there whenever you "feel" like being my friend. i feel like i've been taken for a ride and i'm getting off here, thankyou. go blow hot cold all you like, i won't give a damn anymore. and if it comes to picking a side - i used to always pick yours. you know it. and i would have gone on doing things like that, except now that fights are becoming more and more frequent over the most inane and irrelevant things. i'm not going to keep trying to be nice. i can't be nice without genuinely meaning it. i'm starting to not genuinely mean it, and so i think i shall not be hypocritical and smile and pretend i don't mind. i didn't mind, but it's getting a bit much now.

i don't like people who patronize me. if you patronize me, i shall not even deign to talk to you anymore. i'm through with being nice and easygoing and smiley. i don't like people who smile at me but hate me at heart. hate me to my face, please.

i'm so sick of trying so hard for nothing. i'm so sick of people who make my life difficult when doing just something small would make it less difficult. i'm bloody sick of people who think the universe revolves around themselves. of course, no one would admit that about themselves. i think i'm reluctant to admit that about myself sometimes too. but when i realise that about myself, i immediately feel damn bad and try to make ammends for my brattish behaviour. and admit to my selfishness and idiocy. but then, thinking about it now - who's being the idiot here? maybe i've been idiotic all this while, thinking that the self-centredness is the disease when in actual fact, selflessness may be the ailment?

i don't believe in tit-for-tat kind of behaviour as a general rule of thumb, but sometimes i find myself engaging in it anyway. you piss me off, i'll piss you off too. sometimes, i also remove myself from your being when you piss me off. writing it all out makes it seem unbearably childish, but i do it anyway.

okay so this post is unbelievably incoherent, and i don't want to seem like some heartless ungrateful piece of shit. but my realizations have been long overdue - as have my decisions. i'm through with putting up with all sorts of randomness - warned or not, hurtful behaviour is hurtful behaviour anyway. i don't think a murdered person would be understanding towards his murderer even if the murderer had warned the murderee that "i may decide to murder you someday." as an excuse, it doesn't cut it. if the murderer tries to use this excuse in court in his own defence, i am absolutely certain that the judge would laugh in his face and tell him off for trying to be funny.

a part of me still wants to be loving and accepting because the bottomline is that i cared and care. but a part of me wants to cut my losses and not allow myself to be treated like that anymore. it's all too human, but aren't i exactly that - human?

first workpiece! :)

i just finished my first report in my internship career! just waiting for the clock to tick by me and for 6pm to come..

first week of work, over!
it's been a change, i must say. having to sleep early and get up ridiculously early. it's No Fun! but work's been quite fun la. my fellow interns are fun. lunches are hilarious. tea breaks are fun. :)

thinking about whether i should go to Wala tonight or not. on one hand i really wanna go, but on the other i'm shacked and just want to slack at home - something i haven't done in the longest time, it seems.

but then again, people at home and around me seem to be pissing me off like nobody's business these days, so it's good that i'm working. less chance for abrasion and conflict. especially with my mother. she talks as though she's the one working at my job. like, hello.

and like so many other irritating people. it seems people are either becoming more irritating, or i'm more irritable. i'd like to think it's the former, but i suspect it's more the latter. my fuse has been running short lately. maybe it's the god-forsaken hour i have to get up in the morning that's getting to me. i am SO not a morning person. at all. and i'm not exaggerating.

weekend's coming though, so yay! i really want to shop whatever irritating people tell me about it, and i haven't bought anything in like, dunno how many years. might be shopping with the BT bunch on Monday, since it's a half day.

okay! i'm off to the toilet then off to home. :)

lots and lots of things to do & a bit of reminiscing.

having just got back from Vietnam yesterday, i suddenly find myself inundated by things to do. especially since i'm starting my Business Times internship on Tuesday! i can't believe i'm a little reluctant to start it, since i gave up SO MUCH OF MY EXAM TIME to go for the writing test AND interview. and the regular ol' dark cloud over my head all the time i thought i didn't make it through the interview. but when i received the email about the internship beginning on Tuesday while in Vietnam, i was like yay!!! at first. then it sank in that i just bade farewell to my December break. and that the new school term would arrive even before i know it.

i'm like, aaaaaahhh, nooo. i NEED a BREAK.
but nevermind. for the sake of my future, i cannot be a lazy bum. i'm really so lazy sometimes i amaze myself. all i want to do is sleep, eat, and do nothing but entertain myself at home. an occasional shopping trip or pampering massage, and i'm set.

my luggage is still strewn all over my floor. i haven't managed to unpack ever since coming back from Vietnam last night. woke up too bloody early this morning for the LFC convention at St. Theresa's. i'm mad, i think. why on earth do i put myself through this things when i know at the end of the day i'm gonna whine and whine and whine. went to Vivo after the convention today to pick up some office wear for my 4-week internship stint, seeing i have absolutely none at the mo. and yet my cupboard is bursting. something is severely wrong.

i shall upload photos from the trip tomorrow or something. and blog about the trip tomorrow or something too. i shall stop right here to scoot off to unpack the bigger luggage so i can walk in my room.


strangely, many of my old ghosts aren't dead and buried as i thought they were (now, now don't jump to conclusions. i have several ghosts in my past, not just the one i seem to have harped on.) today's convention wasn't fantastic per se for me, as it made me realise for the umpteeth time about the many shortcomings in my own ministry and my own failure to do anything about anything, and it just frustrated the heck out of me. but somewhere along the line, either during one of the prayers or during worship, God touched me again for the first time in God knows how long (forgive the pun, please do.) something in my snapped and it broke down the feelings of invincibility and self-sufficiency i've been feeling in my life these days, these feelings largely due to the fullness of my life's activities the past few months. gone were the heady feelings of cockiness and arrogance that have somewhat dominated my life lately, and what replaced them was the absolutely shitty and humbling feeling of being totally unwanted.

it's a feeling that's dogged me for a long time, through things that have happened over and over again with many different casts. my deepest fear is just that - the fear of being unwanted. it's become almost a phobia that i've covered with layers and layers of self-assurance, vanity, and 'meaningful' activities all these years. as the feeling intensified with each rejection or abandonment took place, the cover-ups became more and more realistic and it became ever more crucial for me to remain masked just as so. lately, i'm starting to feel the feeling all over again. it began with Cheryl. then Dan, and Dan again. and it seems i'm starting to lose Chelsa too, now. it's hard when the person you love pushes you away, either by totally ignoring you, with harsh words, or with a cold demeanour. perhaps somewhere along the line i must have done something to these people who are 'not wanting' me. sometimes, i can identify what i did, but most of the times, i'm almost totally oblivious. and it frustrates me because i'm at the receiving end of some cold war that i didn't even begin and didn't even want to take part in. it's all starting to make me think that i don't want to even try to hold on to those i love anymore. what's the point, when the harder you hold on to someone, the more you love someone, and the more painful it is when he/she pushes you away and doesn't want you? the rejection becomes all the harder to bear, the abandonment becomes that much more acute a pain inside you, the subtle ignoring becomes magnified and all-too-obvious.

i'm through with church people, sometimes i think to myself. it's so odd right, that most of the people who truly care for me as a person are those from outside the community, especially when my community is supposed to be all-inclusive, loving, and a family? sometimes it feels like i'm only worth something because i'm "part" of the community. then i ask myself, what community? it's too hard a question to ask myself cos i can't give myself an answer i'd be happy with, so i push it all aside and just forget the unwantedness, forget the rejection, forget the disappointments and try my darndest to live for the future and not in the past.

now, i'm just plain terrified i'll lose Tri the way i seem to be losing Chels. she's too integral a part of my life to just say goodbye to like that. but then again, i thought all those people who didn't want me were integral parts of my life too back then. but i'm still alive now, without those "integral" parts. i can only spend that much time grieving completely. i know for some of my losses, i'll mourn the rest of my life for them. but in private. when no one knows, when no one's around, that's when i allow myself to give in to the hurts. just for that while.

i know i know. it's not healthy to accumulate hurts and let them fester. but how can i close the wounds when they won't allow me closure?



letting myself relive the feelings of being unwanted is something i wish i didn't allow myself to feel ever. it brings to my mind rejection Jesus must feel when i don't want Him in my life, and it makes me all the more aghast at myself. it makes me no better than the people who have inflicted that horrid hurt in my life. i don't want to think about this anymore. happy thoughts, please.
see. the covering-up is so natural now that i routinely replace my sadder thoughts with happy thoughts and thoughts about what to do on so-and-so date.

Waiting for Thelmas's Laughter. no, - goodbye to Colin's.

You wanna take the world
in hand
and fix-it-up
the way you fix your living room

You wanna reach out and crush
life's big and small injustices
in the fire and honey
of your hands.

You wanna scream
cause your head's too small
for your dreams

and the children
running around
acting like lil clowns
breaking the furniture down
while I sit through
it all watching you
knowing anytime now
your laughter's gonna come

to drown and heal us all

GRACE NICHOLS




***



i thought i'd be ecstatic that exams are over today - and yet, when i was done with my last paper, ecstacy didn't quite creep in.

must've been the news of Colin's passing on that's weighing me down. the thunderstorm is befitting of the mood today, i must say. much has been said about how he will be missed, so i shall not add on to the chorus because that is tacit. how the death of a friend affects those around him never fails to amaze me, and i amaze myself too. i found myself replaying all the times when i spoke to him in my head as i drove to pick Clem up after my paper today without even meaning to think abt it, found myself remembering the exact time and place i last spoke to him and the world youth day he was supposed to go for with us next year. i found myself constantly visualising him in my mind's eye as i went about my daily business without even meaning to call up those images. if it's so hard for me as it is, i can't imagine what it must be like for those who were really close to him. just the thought that we'd all never be able to speak to him again, see him walking jauntily around in the canteen again, eat prata at hupseng with him again - it hit me like a ton of bricks and went all the way down to my toes.

death seems so final somehow. even though i know he's in a better place now, it's the loss of a friend in your life that makes death hard to accept. i guess it's the selfish part in all of us that grieves, because we feel the loss.

life's so ephemeral, it's too true when they say you should live like there's no tomorrow. because one day, there'll really not be a tomorrow. speak to all the people you wanna speak to, make up with those you have rows with, tell those whom you love that you love them, don't live in fear of consequences but just live. i'll try. i always say i'll try when death strikes and my mortality becomes too evident for my liking. but then, the realisation eventually dissipates and i go back to my fearful existence.

but from today onwards, i'll try.

last paper blaaaahhs.

the title above is self-explanatory, i believe! gosh last paper-syndrome is terrible! i remember hardly studying for my last paper last sem too. i just wasn't in the mood to read anything. i guess this time round's a marked improvement, since i got hit with the motivation to study. but i must say i got struck by the desire to study too late, at say 9pm today only. aha. so here i am now frantically trying to cram (here the usage of such a brit word is justified cos i really feel like i'm literally cramming things into my head.) but not much is going in anymore! i've been at it at it since 11pm, so it's been almost.. 6 hours? no wonder my brain's getting mucked up and sluggish! like really, i'm reading but my eyes are glazing over. i decided to stop for a while to do something else - hence this post. lucky my paper's at 5 tmr. i can sleep in! & sleep late!

AH FREEDOM TOMORROW! can you smell it??? i can! i'm so excited! so many things i wanna do, and some i don't really want to do, but have no choice - like the packing for my vietnam trip and the clearing out of my wardrobe! i want to shop, rot, sleep, laze. i don't really want to work this holidays. yes i'm a walking irony i know. first i say i really hope i get the sph job, now i say i don't really want it cos i want to laze at home. ahaha.

and as a total side note, lit paper was crap today. but it's history, baby! and i'm not gonna mope over it, cry over spilt milk or whatever. i'll cry on the day of my results if it's necessary but from now till 27th dec, you're not gonna hear the word "results" from my lips. if you do, you're entitled to sock me in the mouth to shut me up.

my post is becoming a little hysterical, it's quite funny. i think i'm really getting tired.
& i thought Japanese film would be fun! well, it is. but i'm sick of studying it.

i want to sleep!
and shop!
and wow! a
nd laze around with Tri!
and eat!
and spend time with the boyfriend!
i just want to get this over and done with, pronto.

5 reasons why i don't want to study anymore:

1. i just got my period. my cramps are acting up. FRICKIT.
2. i didn't manage to fall asleep till 730am this morning. i am bloody tired. i want to sleep.
3. i've been playing games on neopets the last few days during study intervals and i'm hooked on some of them. especially the word games and the shanghai-like one.
4. i don't know how to study for soci tomorrow. i kid you not. my lecturer is an authoritarian.
5. i just don't feel like it.

elitism. yucks.

okay, so i am extremely behind in my knowledge about Singapore society. perhaps living obliviously in my rather comfortable middle-class existence? but while i was doing research for my soci exam on Monday and trawling the internet for news on Singapore, i came upon the Wee Shu-Min scandal. it piqued my interest because of her extremely elitist remarks (well, she unabashedly proclaimed herself as an elitist. whatever rocks her world.) and it disgusts me about the state of affairs in Singapore. i mean, her father, MP Wee of Ang Mo Kio GRC, basically shared her opinions and essentially shoved the blame onto the 'rest of society' who cannot accept the brutal truth. bullcrap. okay, so granted - it's happening in Singapore, elitism. so it's true. but that doesn't mean it's right. by saying that people cannot accept the truth, he was essentially endorsing his daughter's point-of-view.

it frustrates me now, cos i realise it's the fundamental ideology of the PAP that is behind all this elitism in our education system. it is no secret that the 'brand' of your school is extremely important in excelling in Singapore. it's a sad fact, which i think is not something that should be happening cos of its fundamental flaws, but it is something that is happening - and hence is a fact. and among the branded schools, there're the different types of brands. it's so dumb, but that's how it is. cos of the school culture. people who come from the top 5 jcs have a MUCH HIGHER CHANCE of getting a scholarship than someone who comes from a jc outside of the top 5. i don't have first-hand experience in this area, as didn't try applying for a scholarship after my As. but i've heard from so many people personal anecdotes about how two people with identical grades get offered interviews for different classes of scholarship - the one from a jc out of the top 5 gets an award interview, the one from the top5 jc gets the scholarship interview. if that doesn't reek of elitism, i don't know what that is.

it's no use saying that PM Lee should reprimand MP Wee or whatever. the 'upper' echelons of our society think this way because of the way the people in our government think. our education system has conditioned so many people like the abovementioned to think the way they do because of the way it rewards and punishes. the people who excel academically get scholarships whose selection panels reiterate over and over again that they're looking for 'the cream of the crop', looking for people who have the 'it' factor, who have an extra something - and the list of wonderful adjectives that're labelled on potential scholars just goes on. so these people just tend to think that they're really 'better' people cos of the scholarship they hold and what they're told the scholarship means. i'm not saying that ALL scholarship-holders think like that, i know of many who are down-to-earth and know that academic exellence isn't the be-all-and-end-all in the gauge of how 'good' you are as a person - my own boyfriend being one of this sort. :)

but too many people think this way, people who are in power. unfortunately.
according to the abovementioned, i'd belong to the working-class and i'd be a "lazy leech of society" if i ever got retrenched. i take it very personally because being retrenched and taking a pay cut to get a job again doesn't make a person unqualified or worse off. hell no. i'd do it.
i wouldn't think of myself as unqualified even though i'm not from any of the top 5 jcs or from a 'branded' secondary school. i'm on pretty good terms with the education system even though i'm not an elite nor a scholarship holder. i have a future waiting for me, one that i'm really looking forward to. and i do think many of my peers who are like me - not in an elite profession like law or medicine, and not from a 'top' school - don't see themselves as underqualified. and definitely not subservient to the so-called elite of society. sure, i accord them respect in a proper social setting because it's the norm and because some of them really do deserve respect. but there're some of the 'elite' who may be accorded respect and deference because of their position of authority, but solely because of that and not because they deserve it per se. there's much difference between the two. it's like paying lip service, and meaning what i say. the 'elite' who thnk they're respected ARE, on the surface. but cut to the bottomline of it all and i'm sorry, but it's all just lip service. or done out of fear. people in this country can get thrown into jail for any number of 'defamations' to high-ranking people in the government. in the old days, it'd be like King Henry VIII killing his wives for treason. draw the parallels and you'll see how 'uncivilised' it really is - that is if the linear flow of history is supposed to bring along with it progress.

i'm no politician, i may be one of the mere masses who don't really count for much in the eyes of sad, shallow specimens of people that elitists are - but i have an opinion and i think that elitism, or any kind of discrimination, for that matter, is not right. it may be 'true' as MP Wee trumpeted because it is happening, so it's a fact. but truths aren't always right. while it is true that Jack the Ripper killed all those women back in Whitchapel all those years ago - the mutilated bodies of the women proves that and hence makes it a fact - it doesn't mean that what he did was correct. same for elitism. miss abovementioned saying something like that means that elitism is present in our society, but it doesn't mean that her way of thinking is correct.

i may not ever become one of the 'elite' of my society, because of the middle-class position in life i was born into and the career path i want to take. but i'm more than okay with that cos it's what i want, and i wouldn't have it any other way even if i were born as Bill Gates' daughter or as Paris Hilton. i grew up believing my family was relatively wealthy cos of our consumption habits when i was a child. i grew up doing well in school relatively easily. (well, for my primary school life for sure.) it was the perfect breeding ground for elitism to take root in my young mind, to think that i was better than everyone else. but as things turned out, i'd always met people who kept me perfectly grounded and who reminded me that grades and academic exellence are definitely NOT what make up a person (thanks Tri!) and that i was loved because of who i was and am and not because of the number of As i got in my exams.
i admit, i'd make a lousy politician cos i'm just so idealistic. but all i know is that this elitism thing in Singapore (and probably the majority of the wealthy capitalist countries of the world) makes me disgusted at the narrow-mindedness of the so-called elite, and these second-generation 'elite' ought to realise that it isn't that they're better people than the rest of us middle-class people - not by far. these people were just born luckier. either with a silver spoon in their mouths, or for some, up their ass.

forgetting.

i was just looking through some of my old posts (doing lit always makes me dig up things in the past cos of all its questions about memory and forgetting), and i realised i forgot the reasons behind some of the emotional outbursts. already. things i got so worked up over in September, i can't for the life of me remember why now.

i admit, it frustrates me that i can't remember. it was so real to me then, my pissed-off-post proved that. but right now, i can't remember and it just makes it seem as though nothing happened - when something did. i feel like i'm betraying my memories and the reality of my past by allowing myself to move on and ultimately forget. but i also admit that this effacement of memory is somewhat crucial to the process of moving on in life. i don't necessarily think that it's the happiest thing that could happen, i wish moving on didn't have to come at the price of my memories. but would i want to live in my past and die lost in ghosts, or live in my present for what it is?

so when i look at it from another angle, i'm actually glad (okay glad is kinda pushing it. i'm not sad. yes.) that i'm starting to forget, that the sheer intensity of the emotions of the moments are leaving me and disappearing further and further into the reccesses of my mind. i know i'm moving on in life, i can feel it day by day as i live my life for what it is and not what it was, and there's so much to look forward to. some things are starting to not have an effect on me, which is good cos i'm a lot less inhibited now, and feel so much more free and unburdened. i mean, of course it doesn't negate the fact that i still think certain things, but i'm no longer bogged down by the weight of poisionous memory.


okay i'm really tired now.
met Chels at 230 to discuss lit themes, then went down to Raffles City to meet mom and Carol to change the size of a pair of shoes and get some office clothes. if i get the sph internship. i hope i do! but then again, things have a way of not working out when you want or need them to. i'm a pessimist by training. i make myself believe in the worst-case scenario of every situation and make myself live through it so that if it ever happens, i won't sink into depression and cry my eyeballs out.
mom bought some really pretty office tops for me to wear, but the bottoms are giving me a headache. my body shape is irriating cos i'm big at the hip cos of the bone structure, but small at the waist and everywhere else on my body. so the sizes that fit my hip look too big on the rest of my body, while the sizes that're just right for my frame do not allow me to zip up my bottom. it's terrible. i tried on like 20 pairs of pants and skirts today, but not a single one looked decent. furthermore, it would seem that i have a slightly huger ass to contend with, so pencil skirts got crossed out cos mom said they looked obscene with my ass sticking out.

i'm tired. i am going to sleep. and i can feel my cramps. i've been having cramps on off the last few days. i hope my period doesn't induce a horrific bout of cramps this time round.

another bleeping sleepless night

aaahhhhh, i'm so tired! i couldn't sleep last night till 6am, and had to drag myself out of bed at 930 to try to finish an article before exam at 1! panicpanicpanic!! i was drifting in and out of sleep from the moment i got into bed at 330 to 6 this morning. and i was getting increasingly panicky cos i knew i couldn't wake up.

but here i am, awake. my head's so heavy though, it keeps threatening to drop like a ten-ton weight. I HATE INTERACTIVE MEDIA.


and Wendy Chun's article on cyberspace and orientalism is terrible terrible terrible. it looks interesting, and SOUNDS interesting, but it's a frightful nightmare to read. i only decided to try reading it one last time cos i'm damn scared it'll come out for the exam later. i lost the list of impt topics Daniela gave us during tutorial. can't find the bloody piece of paper anywhere. so i had to rely on my memory, which isn't very good right now i must sayyyyy.

and last night, there was a calico cat sitting outside my window. it scared the hell out of me, and i think i scared the hell out of it too.

BAH i think i shall have to cab down later. i need more time to read. this exam is panning out badly and it hasn't even begun.

i am terriby terribly STRESSED!!! exams have begun and are not gonna end till 5th of dec.

and i have an sph interview tomorrow!!! was intending to study for my interactive media paper tomorrow, but my study plans have been somewhat ruined. ARGHHHHHHHHHH. i'm dying! i'm frantic! i.. i.. i want to disappear into a puddle.

i'm stressed. this is the dunno-how-manyth time i'm saying it but i'm feeling extremely pressurized. to do well cos i've been putting in more effort this sem and i have no more reason to not do well. to do okay, cos i expect myself to do okay. to not fail cos.. aiyah let's not think about failing. and to make it through the interview tomorrow too. omg omg omg i'm hyperventilating.

& i'm so tired, but i need to study for interactive media tonight cos tomorrow's study time has effectively been cut into half already. RAH. help.


I AM STRESSED AND I WANT THESE NEXT TWO WEEKS TO FLY BY ME.

me against the music.

i shall blog in point form since my brain is frazzled from studying - even though the studying has been rather limited.

- my dad just set up the speakers in my room! now i can listen to my music properly, and not merely from the laptop sound output. :)
- i am wanting to study chinese again when i'm free. i have forgotten a large proportion of what i'd learnt during my secondary school days, and i'm appalled at myself.
- writing test at sph tomorrow at 2.30pm! i am planning to head to school before that to do some nm2101 survey in the lab for extra credit before going for the writing test.
i am this desperate to pull my grade up for that mod.
- lit department is finally offering a second major for lit! my dreams have come true! (omg, i sound like such a no-lifer.)
- SEP application is DONE! now, to settle module preference, and some outstanding SEP & 2nd major queries.
- Carol and i did not manage to go to Sheares for supper this week. mom kicked up a big fuss abt driving on a wet road. i am sad! she is sad too! we are craving naan badly.
- i will play wow on a new server when the exams are over. I AM MISSING MY COMPUTER GAMES.
- i want to read more books! my library hasn't been expanding for a long time.
- i want to clean my room after the exams. it is grossly dusty and cluttered up, AGAIN, and i'm mighty irritated by the mess everywhere.
- ditto for my cupboard. it's not that i have too much clothes - i personally still think i don't have enough. but it's bursting, yes, both my cupboards. i have no idea how and why, but i plan to investigate once i don't have to study.
- wikipedia is extremely addictive. i spend 2 hours on average each day on wikipedia wiki-ing the most inane things. i found out how and why each of King Henry VIII's wives got deposed of and that they were mostly named Anne (Anne Boleyn and Anne of Cleaves) and Catherine (Catherine of Aragon, Katherine Howard, Catherine Parr). i found out that Jessica Alba is part French, Danish, and Mexican - hence her exotic looks. i found out that Ang is a rather common surname in Singapore. and a lot more, actually.

dear so-&-so:

dear so-&-so,

fact: what happened is still etched in my memory. unfortunately.
fact: you are a ghost in my mind.
fact: you were a bastard.
fact: you were not nice. contrary to what everyone believes & tells you.
fact: i was not okay.

fact: i am not okay.

fact: i wish i never met you, & you've never met me.
fact: i don't want to see you ever again.
fact: you are totally oblivious to anything. bully for you.
fact: we are good actors.
fact: it all seems well now. bullshit.
fact: you are part of the furniture in my mind.
fact: i am part of the landscape too, in yours.
fact: i don't exist to you.
fact: i do. i exist.
fact: i still dream of you. & wake up wishing i didn't.
fact: i still talk of you. & end up wishing i didn't.
fact: i don't talk to you anymore. i talk at you.
fact: & vice versa.
fact: you are no longer my friend. what friends?
fact: i don't think you care. & i shall not either.
fact: i am now half the person you met.
fact: i wish i were still the person you met.
fact: i loved you.
fact: i hate you.

yours truly,
by-&-by

module mapping blahs.

i hate the module mapping i have to do for SEP. the system is bloody ambiguous & it's so time consuming. why bother to map my modules before i even get the place? shouldn't i only have to map for the school i get into? rubbish. 3 more study plans to come up with. it's taking foreverrrr.

on a happier note, CAROL AND I ARE GOING FOR SHEARES SUPPER ON MON!! i've been craving the super cheesy chicken naan since i moved home. & exams always make me hungry at odd times cos my brain's working at odd times.

back to work, it is!

my eye is swollen.

i think i caught an eye infection, my right eye is swollen to the size of malaysia. even after i tried sleeping it off in the afternoon! it's still swollen. my eye bags have swelled up like male bullfrogs during mating season. i feel like a bloody frog. ouchh.

everything is okay?

waking up i see that everything is okay.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so great.
slowing down i look around, & i'm so amazed.
i think about the little things that make life great -
i wouldn't change a thing about it,
this is the best feeling.

this innocence is brilliant,
i hope that it will stay.
this moment is perfect,
please don't go away;
i need you now.
& i'll hold on to it
; don't you let it pass you by.

i found a place so safe, not a single tear.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so clear.
feel calm, i belong,
i'm so happy here.
it's so strong, & now i let myself be sincere.

it's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming.
it's the happiness inside that you're feeling.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.

it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
please don't go away.
cos i need you now;
& i'll hold on to it,
don't you let it pass you by.

innocence/avril lavigne


(& no, i did not have sex or anything like that, though it may read like something along those lines.)





all these things that're happening, i wonder if i'm dreaming, i wonder if they're real. it's almost too good to be true, my future seems almost too rosy to take in hook, line & sinker. it's like i was existing aimlessly with lots of dreams but no way of fulfilling them for the longest time ever, & all of a sudden, my aimless existence actually has an outlet of fulfillment. i'm almost afraid to believe all these, that they're actually real & about to happen to me. i don't want to wake up & realise that hey, it was all a dream. & go back to my floaty life. on one hand, it feels too surreal to be true, but on the other, well, it still feels too surreal to be true. there's so much of life to look forward to, it's scary. what if it was all a mistake, & it turns out that there is nothing to look forward to cos i'm not good enough? i'm scared to even think of the possibility of living the life i seem on the brink of living cos of the possibility that it might just be a lie. like last february, when i was on the brink of believing something & actually living in that belief, when it turned out to be a cruel mistake. it made me so scared to hope, so scared to believe in the rosiness of the horizon - it's made me the cynic i am sometimes. i wish i could go back to living in the optimism of those times, when i was less afraid to dream & less afraid to live out my dreams. now, i only believe what i'm knocked over the head with. the warmth of his hand in mine, the sound of his voice in my ear. i don't imagine about the warmth of his hand in mine, don't imagine the sound of his voice in my ear. i only believe that they're real when i feel it, when i hear it. similarly, i don't believe that i could be this close to living the kind of life i want, until i'm actually living in it, breathing in it, doing in it.

Business Times contacted me today about an internship with them during the nov/dec break. out of the blue. i'm to go down to sph for a writing test before flying off, & if i can't take this attachment up cos of insufficient time, i'll be able to take up a full 8-week internship with sph after next semester ends. providing i pass the writing test, that is. them contacting me about an internship is almost surreal, & i can't believe i'm this close to getting an internship without even trying this time when i tried so hard last June. it's so odd, & i can't explain it. my portfolio shoot on Tuesday went well, & i had tonnes of fun in front of the camera. & my last few weeks with Clem have been really good - lots of smiles & happiness, for the first time in dunno how long. SEP application is exciting me even though i haven't gotten any place anywhere yet - but the thought of going overseas for 6 months makes me weak with excitement. it's been my dream since secondary school to study in an overseas uni, i'd have gone if i had slightly more money.

everything seems to be going so right for me now, i can't help but feel there's something wrong somewhere. yes yes, shoot the pessimist, why don't you. but what if this were all unreal? stuff in my past have affected me terribly, even though no one thinks or sees so, cos they ought not to be any reason for that affectation. i've given up trying to even imprint on anyone how much impact all that have on my life even right now, because it seems trivial, silly, even, to most people. i've accepted that i can't change what people think or say, so i have to live with it & deal with it all. sometimes i feel all those things in my past slipping away silently, & i stand where i am & wave them goodbye. i know that i feel sometimes like by allowing them to leave me, i also feel like i'm betraying those memories & emotions that were so real & sharp to me then. but sometimes when i think i've put everything behind me, something in my subconscious wells up & reminds me of old ghosts & it just pisses me off that i'm not past it.

sometimes, i wish i could erase myself out of the lives of some people. i wish i've never met some people, & i wish they've never met me. so when i lay my eyes on certain people, it'll be like seeing a perfect stranger & vice versa. then sometimes, i become even more extreme & wish that i could erase my life off the face of this earth. not kill myself, cos that wouldn't erase the memories. but completely annihilate myself & any trace of myself, even the me that lives on in memories. i have dark days when thoughts like these crowd my brain & i feel so suffocated. but there are other days when these dark thoughts are a million miles away & i'm so glad to be alive.
for now, things are as they are & i don't want to touch certain things anymore. i'm not happy with the way they are, but i've accepted & i have no energy to want to do anything to make me happy about them. that doesn't mean i like it, but of course, you won't understand. to you, there's only stark black & white, & absolutely no shades of grey. so okay. fine. but don't make me conform to the black or white because it's too dark or too bright for me.

heh this has become a stream of consciousness rant, almost. but not quite. i'm still rather conscious of the sentences that form in my brain as i type them out.

erase me from the face of this earth. like an eraser, not like correction fluid. gone, not filled over.
i don't want to sleep cos i don't want to dream of things i don't want to have to face.

exam hibernation

we nus students are entering into exam season. slightly more than a week before the exams begin, 3 weeks till exams are over, 3 weeks till semester break comes!!

i spent 2 hours last night planning my study schedule for the next week. it's gonna be a long week! if i do manage to keep to my study schedule, i'll ace my exams man. haha. but rigorous as it is, it's also majorly insane, so.. well. heh.

ooh it's raining super heavily now. i'm trying to read secret agent again, but i'm getting so distracted. ha. and my SEP application needs to be done soon too! australia, US.. no europe, though. :( too expensive by far. the australian dollar has been rising, the US dollar has been falling, so whichever should be fine still.

i had a damn weird dream last night. i woke up mighty disturbed. oh well. i don't have as much control over my subconscious as i'd like.

time to change for school.

weekend escapades

it's a dreary Monday afternoon. the sky's grey, it's cloudy, it looks like it's gonna rain, & i just crawled out of bed not too long ago. these days, my body clock's totally topsy-turvy cos i've been staying up late to finish essays and whatnots. the latest essay to hit me is the project on the theories of new media. 5000word paper. thankfully, it's almost done. i'm just doing a final edit on it before uploading it tonight by 12.

i can't wait for tomorrow! then i can start planning my revision timetable and start studying. oh, and start on my SEP application too. it's due really soon.

i have a portfolio shoot tomorrow. how to lug all my outfits to school! sigh. but no complaints! i'm living the life i want nowadays. :)


& i had a fantabulous birthday this year! had several mini-celebrations with the people who matter. manymany dinners & outings. on Wed itself, i had Japanese food at the Waraku restaurant at cuppage road with the family, then went to the cathay to catch the Bee Movie. it was only a so-so show, but i had fun laughing over it with Carol. then met Tri on the 8th for dinner and to catch Stardust! it is really good. & romantic. i'd like to be a star, then i'd glow when i'm happy & you can tell how happy i am by my glow. dinner with Clem on Fri at 2amdessertsbar in holland v. the desserts there are gorgeous! i am SO going back there again to try more of them. & take more photos. i love the place. movie marathon after that - Anna & Anna first, then Lust, Caution thereafter. well, the first movie was so that i could sneak into Lust, Caution. heh. it's quite arty, but it's also a little heavy on the sex. i guess the sex scenes were to explain why Wong did what she did, but even then, the scenes didn't directly address that. it was more of a understand-by-implication kinda thing. dinner at Spageddies at Marina Square with some of the zj girls on Sat after session! had yummy pretty desserts at tcc after that & took many photos.

but the aftertaste of Sat wasn't that fantastic, i must say. got into an accident on the way home at Geylang cos Chelsa and i were lost on the road. i was on a turning-only lane but didn't realise and went straight, and the car next to me turned - so we collided. thankfully no one was hurt.. if i got Chels hurt in that accident i would have felt so guilty. after i heard that gut-wrenching metal-on-metal sound, i screamed for a good 10 seconds before gathering myself together and stopping at the side of the road, hoping the man would come back. i was panicking when i stopped, and i kept thinking of the damages i'd have to pay. all Chels and i could say for a while was "oh my God". yes i think we were traumatised. so when he came out and looked pissing mad, Chels was like okay, we're not gonna let him bully us & we'll argue if necessary. i got out of the car all gung-ho & ready to defend my case, when he pointed out that i was on a turning-only lane going straight, & therefore was in the wrong - & i had nothing left to say after a while. i mean, what can i say in defense to that? so we exchanged particulars, i started to cry, and managed to convince him not to settle the whole thing using insurance. had to head down to the mechanic in Sin Ming yesterday afternoon to get the damage appraised and settle costs. i forked out slightly less than half of the entire repair cost but i'm not complaining cos it was my fault after all. i mean, i'm complaining that i was idiotic enough to get into something like that, but i'm not complaining that my parents aren't paying the entire cost. in fact, i'd wanted to pay for the entire thing. but it's just not possible right now cos i don't have the means.

but something i learnt from the whole escapade: Hyundai cars are tough cookies! my car was only scratched! after wiping off the paint that came off his car, my car'll be almost as good as new! heh.

it's been a long weekend..! time for the sedentary life again this week. even more sedentary than usual, especially with the exams looming & me needing desperately to hole myself up to study.

done with it.

i'm done with the dratted essay! it's like 2500 words of torture. i hope my tutor has more fun reading it than i had when i wrote it. caused me insomnia last night okay! couldn't sleep till 8am this morning cos i was so awake after my writing session last night.

it's quite an icky essay, actually. i don't really have a good feeling abt it, cos it was so tough to write coherently! i'm just hoping a miracle will save me and get me a B+ on it.

and today was an extremely infuriating day in school. i cabbed down to school after my fitful sleep last night for a 1hour project meeting. tutorial at 3 got cancelled, and I DIDN'T KNOW. lecture at 4 got cancelled too, and I ALSO DIDN'T KNOW. like what the hell. haven't lecturers been using the announcements thingy on ivle?? what happened?? i didn't go for class on Tuesday last week, being sick with cramps. just that one lousy day, cost me my time today. and i need to email my interactive media tutor abt the peer review exercise which i missed.

and my essay woes aren't over yet. one more due next Tuesday. AT LEAST that one's somewhere near done cos it's a group project. i'm gonna do an edit soon, when i'm rested from the trauma of this last essay.

i can't wait for exams to come. i can't believe i'm actually wishing for something like that, but yeah. this term's too draggy.

online window shopping

i am currently multi-tasking.

doing that STUPID Lily Chou-Chou essay, and online window shopping! i must say that the proportion of time i do stupid, inane things on my computer always somehow shoots up whenever i have essays to write or tests to study for.

i spent a grand total of 2 hours online window shopping, and i've concluded that American shops are more worth shopping at than UK shops. cos of the exchange rate - the pound is horribly inflated, somehow.

http://charlotte-russe.com & http://papayaclothing.com - 2 of the labels Koko Maggie brought back from her last US trip. they have pretty things at cheap prices cos it's gonna be winter there and they're clearing out their summer collection! i'm so tempted to order and get one of the American cousins to hold on to my stash until she comes back to Singapore for a holiday or for Christmas.

http://aeropostale.com is good too!


ahh, i really want to get a credit card. but i think i'm lucky i don't cos if i did, i'd be spending TOO MUCH on clothes and online shopping.

people like me can only afford budget shopping. which requires lots of time, which i don't have right now.
i am determined to shop after the exams.

All About Lily Chou-Chou.

it is a horrific film to do an essay on, a 2500 word essay, no less. my creative and writing abilities have all but ebbed away from me for this particular essay, and it's extremely painful to write. it's moving along slowly and sluggishly. it's been long since i've had this much trouble with an essay! ahh. well. perhaps i'm not cut out for film studies.

i'm writing a word a minute, and it's excrutiating.

late, but not tired.

as the title above suggests and overtly proclaims - it is late but i'm not tired. second night in a row this is happening to me. both nights, i stayed up to type out my section for the new media project due on the 13th. at least tonight i can go to bed without worrying about what to write in the unfinished half of my section, unlike last night.

but i haven't even begun on my 2500 words All About Lily Chou-Chou essay for japanese film. it's due on Wednesday! and i haven't even re-watched the film. i think i shall do that tomorrow when i get up, then begin writing the rest of tomorrow and through Monday. Tuesday, i still have to go to school cos it's the last interactive media tutorial (i think), and i wanna go for it. Wednesday, i have to be in school by 12pm for make-up lit tutorial so i can't sleep too late on Tuesday night. which means i have to more-or-less finish my essay by Monday night and just leave editing to do on Tuesday night after i come back from school at night.

THEN, after the Wednesday deadline, i need to start work on the final draft of the new media theories project i've been doing the last 2 nights. i volunteered to do the final edit cos well, i'm a perfectionist and i want to make sure i have a final say this time round. the last mid-term paper, we only got a B, and i was pretty darn upset abt it. i want to secure an A this time round, so i will put in the effort and do an edit before we hand it up.

i think this post is resembling the rambling of a workaholic insomniac. i can't believe i'm detailing my essaying plans in such detail here. it's not called hell month for nothing. people have their hell-weeks, i have my hell month.

not quite as bad nor intense as a hell-week, but still trying nonetheless. it's more like a marathon than a sprint, which hell-weeks are.


sigh. and i can't start studying till the 13th of november. it leaves me with less than 15 days to study for my exams by then. hopefully i'll manage to get some studying done during the editing period. it'll be quite sad if i ace my essays but screw up all my final exams cos i didn't budget enough time to study for them.

and this is really odd, but my left hand is getting numb from all the typing. it's like, i suddenly lost all the feeling in my left fingers. heh. this is one sure sign that i've been spending too much time typing. my fingers hover over the keyboard in a fixed position for such a long time that blood circulation is affected. okay, so i'm a bona fide nerd now.

coffee, cookies & cheese :)

had tea at the tcc at ps with Clem today! was my first time at tcc, can you believe it. heh. i usually go to starbucks or coffee bean. BUT! i am a converted tcc-fan. the menu there is tonnes better than starbucks or coffee bean! more selection! a trifle pricey, though. but ooh good food! i wanna go back there to try everything on the menu again. had an iced honey latte (have you ever heard of that mixture!) and snapped some photos. :)

i'm going back there after the exams. to eat and drink everything on the menu haha.

origami trampled into the ground.

nothing to cry over, really.

okay so i shouldn't be such a baby over this, but i am sad. my dad's not free for my birthday dinner on the 7th anymore cos he has to work at night. after weeks of planning where to eat and all.. sigh. i was trying not to show my disappointment cos i mean, work is work, and it's not as if my dad has a choice abt it. so.. yeah. but i can't help feeling upset, nonetheless, even though my brain tells me it's absolutely illogical to.

i just came back from a run. 5km, and i'm damn slow. whatever lah, though. i'm not training for a marathon anyway. i was perfectly happy when i came back - until my dad told me abt the 7th and then got me to shut up cos commercial was ending and Ghost Whisperer was starting again on tv. and Carol isn't free over the weekend either, proclaiming "no, no cannot, i have exams to study for, remember??"

so i guess that means i'll find something to occupy myself with on the 7th then. i'm already meeting Clem on the 8th cos my parents wanted to have dinner on the birthday day itself. so it's kinda last minute to change my plans. and it's not very nice to expect him to be free anymore anyway.

i have an essay due then, anyway, so it isn't as if there was very much to look forward to in the first place anyway.

as you can see, i'm trying hard not to sound too disappointed or upset abt it. it's just a lousy birthday dinner, anyway. and it's not as if it's my 21st or some impt landmark. but i thought that maybe i could have a super good birthday dinner this year cos i won't be around to celebrate my 21st next year, since i'll be in Australia or something.

nothing to cry over. you're a big girl now, and it's just a birthday dinner. i shouldn't blame my dad for having to work on that day, and my sister for having exams either. yes. i shall shower and start on my essays. lots to do.

louder louder, the voices in my head.

i am in the midst of rewriting my Hedda Gabler essay now. just cooked maggi for myself cos my gastric was acting up. haven't eaten anything the whole day save for a little rice for dinner. CRAMPS. yucks. my period's early this month, though.

period updates aside..


was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.

it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.

here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.


that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.

every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.

but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.

tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".

sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.


it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.


louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.

you were smiling.

kelly clarkson/haunted.

the most disgusting opinion piece

i've just read the most disgusting opinion piece i've seen in a long time in the Newpaper.

"Stay out of my Facebook, dad." by Liew Hanqing. it's in the bitchaboutcorner section - very aptly named i must say but this has been one of the nastiest pieces i've seen in a long time.

since it's such a nasty piece of work, i have no qualms abt putting the author's name in digital print either. i was contemplating emailing her abt her horrid piece but decided against it. free speech, after all. AND, it's an opinion piece. AND the section's named bitchaboutcorner already, so i've been duly warned.

BUT. i want to bitch about it myself here cos it struck me as so yucks. this woman proudly stated that she threw a hissy fit to get her father off Facebook cos "Facebook belongs to my generation - not my parents'."

"I wouldn't want to log into my Facebook account, only to find my Dad has written on my wall... It would just be too embarrassing."

how utterly childish. it stunned me, frankly speaking. what's so embarrassing abt having your dad write on your wall? if my dad wanted to get in touch with my generation and decided to set up a facebook account, and if he decided to write on my wall, i'd think it's the sweetest thing ever. the whole "i don't wanna do things my parents do cos it ain't cool" idea she was writing about is so ludicrous, and just plain juvenile. if you're worried about how "cool" you are solely based on the differentiation between your generation and your parents', then you have my condolences. it'd just appear that you never grew up and out of the "too-cool-for-thou" stage.

while reading the article and eating my noodles, i couldn't keep down my feeling of gross indignance and disgust.

"We don't want to be Facebook friends with senior citizens." - supposedly the name of a facebook group according to our bitchaboutcorner author.

i think these people don't realise that they'll be 'senior citizens' one day themselves, sooner rather than later, and their oh-so-sweet children will come up with "cool" groups that have names that reek of senior citizen discrimination. if this author thinks that her point of view has been validated by the existence of such childishly named groups on facebook, i'd think she is very sorely mistaken because the existence of such groups do not prove anything except that some people on facebook are just gerascophobic, narrow-minded, and still think that they'll remain young forever.

i recognise this author's right to free speech, and hence the right to express her opinions - no matter how much of an ill-taste they leave in my mouth.

but at the same time, i can't help but wish the Newpaper didn't print something like that. it just reinforced my opinion that the Newpaper prints nothing but trash and is good for nothing except the extensive sports pages.

and darling author, facebook isn't of your generation. you belong to the generation of friendster. the facebook generation are the secondary school children who'll have grown up using facebook and facebook only.

a lot of growing up and feeling comfortable in your own skin is needed, it would seem. Singapore is getting full of adults who haven't really grown up but are still feeding on childish notions of "cool" and "uncool".

deluge of essays

i am in a veritable state of panic over my lit essay right now. it's in disgusting shape and doesn't seem to have much hope of shaping up within the next 4 days.

and the japanese studies term paper..


omg kill me please. all these essays are driving me absolutely insane.

another bout of indecisiveness

just came back not too long ago from Lynette's grandma's wake. i know she probably isn't alright right now (the loss of a loved one is hard to bear, especially as one grows older), but i hope she'll be alright in time.. i think as a child, the concept of grief isn't as clear and easy to grasp as compared to when you are an adolescent or an adult. feelings of loss, of pain, of grief, become more pronounced with age as we're able to articulate them and name them, understand the reasons behind them and feel outrage at the existence of such misery in the world to begin with.

as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.

i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.

before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.

then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)

checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.

i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.

so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?

but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.

ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.

and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.

i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.

my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.

this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.

i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?

okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).

que sera, sera.

i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.


okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.

hedda gabler

i'm doing some research for my lit essay on Hedda Gabler which is due next Thurs. no, scratch that. i'm actually reading some of my research for the essay! which is extremely rare, cos i tend to just print a lot of nonsense out to comfort myself that i've actually done something, when i haven't really done anything but use paper and give environmentalists even more reasons to hate me than they already do. (excessive use of aircon, blatant paper lover, long hot showers, manymany lights turned on in my room at one go, eating of meat - you get the picture..)

before i begun reading, i was thinking like, how to link violence, beauty and art - 3 very abstract concepts by themselves - in one woman, Hedda Gabler? sure, i had some vague idea of how each of these concepts manifest themselves in Hedda, courtesy of the many lit lectures and tutorials i've sat through. but to squeeze them all into a 1500word essay required some common point to develop all my ideas from. i'm thinking of using Hedda's notion of Dionysian ideals to bring across all these concepts - which emcompasses her obsession with vineleaves in Lovborg's hair, her behaviour towards Thea, and the final, cumulative act of her suicide - the beautiful death, or so she sees it. the entire play in itself is a portrait of Hedda the character, a work of art in the detailed sketch of Hedda presented.

ahh, something along these lines. so messy! and i hope no one decides to kop my idea for the essay from here, though i doubt anyone really reads this blog anymore! heh. but if passers-by who're doing the same lit mod do chance upon this blog and decide that they're rather good ideas (highly unlikely, i'd think), i think it'd be my own bloody fault in the first place right. ha.

okay, anyway. i'm thirsty. i just went downstairs for a supper of muffins and milk. i think the effects of the milk is wearing off cos i'm starting to feel thirsty! my mom's been telling me not to consume too much dairy products lately cos apparently, there's a link between consumption of dairy products and breast cancer. well, knowing my love for almost all things dairy
- i love cheese in copious amounts, i always ask for extra milk in my milkshakes, i eat macaroni and cheese with slabs of butter boiled in, my porridge always has chunks of butter melting inside, i love yoghurt, yakult, and milo-with-fresh-milk, i like my chocolates milky, and the list goes on -
it's gonna be tough to listen to her and take her advice.

on a totally random note, my pyjama pants are slipping off my ass. i suspect there's no more rubber in them. time to get new pyjama bottoms, it seems!

and i really wanna re-do my blogskin. i know what kinda layout i already want, but i have no time to sit and do it. i still have my Ridge article due (i suspect it's kinda overdue already actually), and a sort-of-presentation of my japanese studies term paper on the portrayal of ijime and its effects in the film All About Lily Chou-Chou. dunno why i chose it also, now come to think about it. i'm not even that interested in bullying in Japan, i should've chosen a film about fashion there or something.

anyway. i shall look for photos for my next layout, and read another article of Hedda Gabler before going to bed. lots and lots to do each day these days!

financial times, anyone?

i've been hearing a lot abt articles from Financial Times in my soci lectures ever since day one. and i've been wondering where i can get these for free (cos i don't wanna take out a subscription, since i'll only be needing to read them for the exams.)

i know biz has copies available for free, but at extremely early hours of the day only.
does anyone know where else i can get the FT? =D

and ohmigosh why in the world does mediacorp need soci majors to fill their internship positions??? the positions sound so good! and being a communications and new media major, i'm not allowed to take it up?? wthhhhh. the cnm internship available sounds so blah compared to the ones offered to the soci majors.

i am jealous!!!

a spot of indecisiveness.

i can't decide which of these 3 pretty pairs of birks to get!

my safe side says get the black one cos it's the most matchable. but i love the raspberry in patent and the cherry red ones too, so.. i dunno!

or maybe.. i shouldn't even get any! sighhhh i can't decide.

not like blogging abt it has helped me make up my mind like that. hmph.

kimi raikkonen

how do i love thee, let me count the ways!



1) i had the luxury of catching an extended nap the entire afternoon! from 11am to 1230pm, then 2pm to 6pm. i felt like a cat! lazy and totally careless about work.

BONUS: i managed to do 3 of my gazillion readings in the time i was actually awake! i was SO proud of myself, seriously. amazed at my ability to do work even with all the time put into sleep.



2) scrumptious crab dinner at Serangoon! since daddy's birthday is tomorrow - oh, today, rather! - we had a lovely super huge feast of crabs! crab soup beehoon and butter crabs - it made me a really happy girl. forget the chocolate to put me in a good mood, crabs work with this girl, i tell you. :)



3)
this gorgeous specimen of a man!
Kimi Raikkonen is the winner of the world championship this year, and it's been OVERDUE I TELL YOU! ever since i saw his hotness and oh-so-wonderful visage almost 5 years ago now, i decided that he would be the driver i supported and i'm so glad he's won! :)))
the Sao Paolo race was uber good, extremely exciting, and it could have been any one of the 3 who won - Kimi, Lewis Hamilton, or Fernando Alonso - but Kimi came out tops, Alonso 3rd, and Hamilton 7th, and KIMI WON THE OVERALL CHAMPIONSHIP!


which means his pretty mug will be splashed on the sports pages of the papers tmr, AND on sports sites! prettiness should not be hidden.





i had a thing for blond, blue-eyed men.
OR, dark haired, beautiful men.
Alan Smith and Kimi Raikkonen fall into the former group, Johnny Depp, Josh Hartnett and well, Johnny Depp fall into the latter group. oh, and Jon Jonsson who won Manhunt a couple of years ago, the male version of antm.

then came the Japanese/Korean craze, and some singer from this Japanese boyband Tokio became my pin-up, alongside Lee Byung-Hun then subsequently Kwon Sang-Woo.


okay so this is totally off-tangent and i had no intention of detailing my taste in men here. but as it is, talking abt Kimi Raikkonen led to that, so.. heh.

i should've been born overseas man. there's no way i'll ever meet people who look like that in Singapore. alright well done Kelly, you've managed to make yourself out to sound like some superficial little airhead.


tomorrow, you shall all forget that i ever blogged abt this! heh.

right i shall attempt to do one last reading before going to sleep. the effects of the prolonged nap this afternoon are still lingering, anyway.



KIMI! =D i wish i were Finnish!





reading newspapers on the sidewalk
driving your car,
strumming your guitar.

dinner blues

okay i hate it when i rush back for something - for nothing. it makes me feel like i've been taken for a ride, which i cannot stand. my family tends to do this A LOT, which grates on my nerves increasingly as i grow older and more impatient, and time seems to become money.

rushed back from zj just now cos my dad said we were gonna have a good dinner before tuition, since session ended early. when i got home, mom and Carol were sleeping, so no one wanted to go anywhere and i was like OKAY.

so here i am sitting in front of my laptop waiting for dad to buy dinner home (yawn, boring), before heading for tuition. okay so maybe i shouldn't be so whiney abt things like that. live and let live, eh. baaaahhh.

alright i shall try to read another article for js before going for tuition. oh crap i just remembered that i haven't marked Shermaine's compre yet! i am so scatter-brained these days.

Jules' birthday dinner!

came back a while ago from Jules' birthday dinner cum drinking session! had the loveliest piece of steak for a long while at this place in United Square called Bungalows or something, then headed over to Grapevine for a couple of drinks. non-alcoholic for me, thanks, since i was gonna have to drive myself home.

had a good chit-chat with the girls around tonight! Chels, Olivia, and Jules, of course! many things we talked about, some of which got me thinking a little deeper for a while.
but i've abandoned those thoughts for now cos i'm frantically trying to get some reading done tonight before flopping into bed. i'm lagging so terribly, and i've had no motivation to do any work at all this entire week - hence the bad lag. :( my own fault, really. bah.

i'm multi-tasking, though! while doing some reading, i also put on a pore pack on my nose. for two reasons! to get rid of those rather annoying blackheads that have invaded my beautiful face, AND get a thrill of satisfaction rush through me when i see the deep-rooted irritating little blackheads uprooted from my nose pores. haha. but really, i feel so happy when i see the blackheads on my porepack. i feel cleaner and well, cleaner.

it seems like this whole topic of lying, hypocrisy, and goodness has come up again during one of the conversations tonight! i remember being prompted to think more abt it after a stimulating lit tutorial a couple of weeks ago, when the titular character of Sula was decried by one of the students in class as 'evil' because she was brutally honest. so a debate ensued abt whether it's 'bad' to be completely, cuttingly honest when you know it's gonna hurt the other person when you are honest, and 'good' to be somewhat not-so-honest when you want to protect the person from the truth cos it'll hurt.

i dunno, i'm still thinking abt it. have been thinking abt it, among many things lately.

i'm still satisfiedly full from the steak dinner! :) i can go to bed satisfyingly full and unhungry tonight for the first time in many nights. my stomach juices seem a lot more active at night. must be cos of my owlish habits.

blogger is irritating

omg blogger is bloody annoying. there i was happily typing away when my finger waved over the mouse pad on my laptop and i got directed to the page before this, and my post got wiped out! not once, TWICE OKAY! this is the THIRD time i'm typing and i've lost the desire to blog about whatever i was blogging out before already. stupid programming of blogger. seriously. so much for "Now Blogger saves your drafts automatically!" bullshit.

okay i'm going to sleep since my blogging-drive has dipped after the stupid thing wiped out my posts just like that.

Of the Sweetly Familiar, Of the Red-on-White.
It's like the scent of:
Freshly cut grass floating through my window.
Sweet-smelling jasmine blooms in the night air.
Vaseline in the summer time.
Baby powder on my skin.
Hot lunch cooking in the pot.
Nail polish remover.
Freshly laundered bedsheets.
Cloying magnolias in the park.
Palmolive lavender shower foam.
Lotus petal body cream.
New leather.
Issey Miyake on skin.

Wafting through the air,
unmistakeable.
Imprinted too deeply,
unforgettable.
Sweetly familiar,
instantly recognisable.

It's like the sight of:
The delicate wing of an iridiscent butterfly, torn.
A bright yellow dahlia bloom, trampled on the sidewalk.
Beautifully painted and glossy nails, chipped.
Strawberry-topped ice-cream, melting in the grass.
A pretty, sparkly crystal glass, cracked in the centre.
A rainbow in monochrome.
A fabulous Gucci bag with a coffee stain.
A dying electric blue dragonfly in the lamp.
A white moth, burnt to crisp by the allure of a candle flame.
Blood shed by a hunted baby elephant seal on its snow white fur.
Ribbons of viciously shredded muslin dancing in the wind.
Angry scars on an innocent, beautiful child.
Red welts on white, alabaster skin.
A factory in the green countryside.

Lurking in the threshold of memory,
crossing the line to reality.
Distorting black into grey,
and black is no more, - but white.

Hitler: "we want to be a peaceable people."
- in one of his speeches filmed by Leni Riefensthal, the controversial German film director who made Triumph of the Will, the film most widely said to be the best propaganda film to this date.

she is really so funny, she's extremely diva-ish and argumentative. she argues with everyone - the director, the interviewer, the cameraman, everyone!

and Hitler's nose is HUGE! i couldn't help noticing it in the film.
today's soci lecture is damn slack. just this film entitled The Wonderful Horrible Life of Leni Riefensthal. i like lectures like that. =D

random bit of information for the day: the cow who donated her antibodies to create the smallpox vaccine - her name was Blossom.

just heard from Trina that this is what she learnt in lecture today! heh. besides the cow's name, they also learnt who the milkmaid who milked Blossom was (Sarah), and the name of the boy who got injected with the vaccine (i've forgotten).

nm quiz tomorrow morning! was talking to Trina just now for an hour and forgot the time as we were yakking away! sigh. better finish soon cos i have to wake up early tomorrow morning. :( i hate Tuesday morning classes. they're nonsense. the only reason why i'm waking up for class tomorrow morning is cos it's a QUIZ.

and i never thought i'd hear myself say this, but i HATE drivers who drive at 80km/h on the first lane and not bother. i mean, coming from me - the tamest of all the drivers among my friends - that's pretty much. like hello, if you want to cruise at 80km/h on the highway, do it on the second lane, thanks. let me speed.

i also hate tailgaters who tailgate me when i'm driving at 100km/h. can they not read their speedometer on their dashboards?? it's dangerous to go beyond 100km/h, friend. have you heard of road accidents? they tend to happen when you speed too much.

essay deadlines looming in the horizon! i'm falling behind on my readings again, and i have a ton of research to do for my term papers. the old brain is lazy to think and produce work.
thank goodness for the car the for the next 2 weeks! it's bought me an extra hour of sleep each day and let me zip around to find dinner/lunch/shopping.

studyyyyyyyyyy!

I've been bogged down my work lately. I actually woke up at 5.30am this morning to make it for my 8am class so that I could use the time between then and my next class at 3pm to watch a film for my js module. Which, I would never come early to school to watch anyway. So it makes perfect sense to come for class and do work till 3pm. It took damn a lot of willpower to will myself out of bed this morning and will my legs to move out of the house, though. I really had to steel my mind and stop myself from doing what I physically wanted to do, which was to crawl back into bed and sleep till 12pm.

My eyes were glazing over as I was watching the film this morning in front of the tv screen. Tokyo Story. It was supremely hard to watch, I must admit. The pace was sooooooo bloody slow and there was practically no storyline, I was in pain sitting there for those 136min. Tried to do some of my readings after watching the film, and I only managed to read all of one article before falling asleep on my table for the next hour.

I can't believe I've managed to last till now! I'm sitting in the LT now waiting for lecture to start.

I'M GONNA WATCH ANOTHER FILM AFTER THIS LECTURE!!

I must be neurotic. Sigh. Endless flow of things to do, and my brain's already falling asleep, but no choiceeeee. Omg, if the film later is in black and white again, I'll scream. I'm NOT a big fan of black and white movies anymore.

Gonna be driving to school for the next 2 weeks or so! Saves me a lot of time and inconvenience! Yay!

And I'm so glad I came for lecture today! My lecturer just announced that there's gonna be a take-home question to prepare for the final exams. Which is gonna be a compulsory question for the final exam. Lectures for this module canNOT be skipped, today just proved that.

My post today is so inane that I want to cry as I type this. I'm just typing whatever comes off my head but reading everything I've just typed, it just shows that there's nothing very much in my brain at the mo'.

Okay okay. Note-taking time. I'm looking forward to a good sleep tonight when I get home. I'm bushed.

today has just been one of those pms-y days. my lit test was crap - i completely busted the definitions section. i am demoralized, frustrated, and terribly dissatisfied. how could i have copped out on the 10 marks worth of definitions? i had like, 1 or 2 marks for the entire section only. which just dragged my entire score down. bloody hell. it's 25-fricking-percent of my grade and i am seeing that A fly further and further away. unless i can pull a perfect A+ grade for my term paper.

and i'm frustrated with my life.

reading Hedda Gabler made me realise that i'm very much like Hedda, very much not cut out for married life or motherhood. i want my freedom, i don't want to be squeezed into someone else's preconstruction of what i should be. even in a marriage, i'd want my freedom, my space, my self, but that contradicts the crux of the sacrament of marriage - that man and wife are joined and they become one. i can't live for someone else, and i foresee myself hating my children if ever because they've taken over my life. yes, supremely selfish thoughts, i know, so go ahead and stone me for that, why don't you.

but seriously, i'm starting to realise how important my freedom is to me, living true to myself is to me, and how my personal space is so crucial to me being able to live as a free woman. i couldn't live as someone's wife, wishing i weren't. i can see it now. i can't live with someone expecting me to be someone, do something, fill a certain role. the weight of the expectations would weigh on my ankles like a iron ball and keep me imprisoned and so suffocated. and kids. oh my gosh, where do i even start with them. the moment you give birth to one, his/her life begins, and yours sort of ends, usually. you become so-and-so's mom. you work for money to bring so-and-so up. you sacrifice your physical well-being for so-and-so's health. all the sacrifices, i just don't think i'm magnanimous, big-hearted, and even capable of making them without bearing any semblence of grudge.

i'm so afraid i'll be too afraid to break out of my constructs and live out the rest of my life wishing i had. and at the same time, i'm afraid of the judgement people around me will levy on me, cos i know it won't be pretty. i'm afraid of my own selfishness, it's so consuming. and yet, i'm afraid of hating the people around me who i love too much to walk out on, hanging on to the status quo because i love him or her, but unable to really live because i need to be free.

i need love in my life, definitely, but i'm wondering now: is it possible to be smothered by love? people who love you so much that they pour and lavish it over you until you're practically gasping for some air? i'm thoroughly confused cos i remember the bible says something about love being able to set free. at the same time, love isn't possessive. but all the world's standards of love seem to be so... possessive. with the passion comes the need for possession, and that's when all the rest of the 'love isn't's come into play - you become jealous, you start to hold on tighter to what you think is 'yours', you become self-servng. and yet someone once told me that love between a couple in a relationship isn't like the love described in the bible?? er, i'm starting to think that love between two people in a relationship HAS to be like the love described in Corinthians, or it's not gonna work out.

argh i'm so confused!

on one hand, i do recognise my need to find my freedom eventually, break away from my constructed life, roles, expectations and everything else. on the other hand, i do recognise that it's contrary to what Christian teachings are - that you don't seek to find yourself because it's only the person who loses his life in Christ that finds it. so in my quest to find my elusive freedom, i'm finding myself, which is wrong! my mind's in a total whirl now and i wish i could reach into my brain and manually use my hands to sort out all the jumbled-up thoughts.

i'm in a relationship, yes.
i want this to work out, yes.
i need my space, yes.
i'm not getting enough space now, yes.
i need my freedom, yes.
searching for me is wrong, yes.

wtf?? that's just a whole bunch of oxymorons i just inputed above!

am i like Hedda - no one truly understands me because no one understands my need to break free, and so i'm seen as selfish and cold? i can't say that i'm able to transcend the thoughts of others, like how it's supposed to be in Hedda Gabler in the case of Hedda - because i understand that not everyone needs their freedom, space, and individuality as badly or as fiercely as i do. if they don't even need it, then how am i any better than these people by needing it, know what i mean?

i guard my personal space very jealously, i realise. and i think if this doesn't change, i'm not likely to get married to anyone. who wants a wife who needs time 'alone' at the home that both people share? it's a preposterous proposition, and i know it. and so, i recognise that unless i change, or someone who is able to love me with the space and freedom that i need, i'm not gonna be getting married to anyone.