just came back not too long ago from Lynette's grandma's wake. i know she probably isn't alright right now (the loss of a loved one is hard to bear, especially as one grows older), but i hope she'll be alright in time.. i think as a child, the concept of grief isn't as clear and easy to grasp as compared to when you are an adolescent or an adult. feelings of loss, of pain, of grief, become more pronounced with age as we're able to articulate them and name them, understand the reasons behind them and feel outrage at the existence of such misery in the world to begin with.
as a teenager, grief and loss starts to hit home really hard. coupled with the development of the emotional universe of a teenager, it becomes a raw and unbridled emotion that finally has a name and a meaning. you know the consequences, the finalities, the irrevocability, and it hits you.
i'm glad the zj people were there today to show Lynette our support. it really touched me to see so many of us in the community down there at the wake. showed me that we might all be scattered and separated by our day-to-day lives, but when something happens, we come together as members of the same body to support the down-and-out member nonetheless in whatever ways we can.
before that was study session with Chels at spi. was trying to do my lit essay but we ended up talking more than working. oh well! i suppose it'll finally hit us one day that we HAVE to do work and be disciplined. it will hit us, i'm sure of it! i just hope we won't like, realise realise only a week before the exams and realise what we ought to have realised a couple of weeks ago. sometimes what i know i ought to do is so hard. the knowing doesn't help any, when i don't feel like doing it. boils down to discipline, i suppose.
then had dinner with Wil and a catch-up session abt my decisions in zj. haven't done that in a long time, but what we'd kinda agreed on was for me to go on sabbatical from ministry. since i seem to be shirking any kind of responsibility at the mo. i dunno why i'm keeping away from any form of responsibility like the plague right now, though. something in me fundamentally changed and it's causing these knee-jerk reactions towards responsibility. sigh. i'm frustrated with myself but i think i need to give myself time to readjust to certain new norms (that prolly aren't so new anymore heh.)
checked my mail and.. found out that a booker in Quest Modelling Agency's interested in me and i'm supposed to go for an interview with them. i can't decide what i should do because on one hand, i really do want to try my hand at modelling but on the other, i know i'll face a lot of displeasure from all sides if i even attempt.
i'd sent in an application to Quest about a month ago on a whim after watching a marathon of antm episodes one night, and i didn't give it much thought after that cos the site said that the height requirement for females is 1.70m. and that people who don't meet the height requirement will be considered on a case-by-case basis. i figured i prolly wouldn't ever hear from them again cos i submitted my REAL height - 1.61m - and several rather unflattering photos of myself cos i couldn't find nicer ones. the site said specifically that they will only contact people who their bookers are interested in booking, and to NOT contact them.
so i didn't think abt the consequences. i figured if i submitted an application and got turned down, it'd end my modelling aspirations once and for all. rejection tends to do that to people. so anyway, suddenly, i get this email today saying that a booker in Quest is interested in me and would like to meet me for an interview etc. i was like, what?? did they not see my height in my application or what?
but anyway. my hugest fear is the derision i'll face on all sides if i do make it through the interview. cos this agency's an accredited agency in the Association of Modelling Industry Professionals (AMIP) in Singapore - which means it's the real deal and not one of those scammy, dodgy agencies that ask almost every single girl in Singapore to go down to their office for an interview. it's supposed to be one of the top agencies in Singapore, so making it through the interview would almost definitely mean a job or two. my parents think that modelling is not a type of work a young undergrad should partake in, even if it's part-time and not as a career. no one takes me seriously when i talk about modelling cos i think no one really thinks i have a real interest in it, or have any real shot at being one anyway. not tall enough, not beautiful enough, not interesting enough, the list goes on. but what if the interview goes through and they want to sign me on? i gather they must've made a real special exception for my case cos i know i'm too bloody short, so i feel like i should at least go for the interview and see what i should do from there. but i'm afraid of getting through the interview, funnily enough. i'm afraid of all the explaining i'll have to do if i do get signed on, afraid of the possiblity of actually being a model instead of wanting to be one and watching antm and wishing i could be in a photoshoot too.
ahh i know it's stupid cos the chances of me making it through the interview are super low anyway, cos there're so many things working against me. i reckon that there has to be something really special abt me if i actually make it through the interview, which i know i don't possess in looks, anyway. and no, i'm not fishing for a compliment. i'm stating facts about myself i know very well abt. so yeah, i know, i should worry abt actually making it through the interview before worrying abt what to do after that. i'm thinking 2 steps ahead of myself, i know! i tend to do it.
and, there's the portfolio. which costs money to make. every model needs one, and if i'm serious abt doing this in the long-run, i'll need to get one made. yes, even part-time models need a portfolio. i need to evaluate my desire to be a model and decide whether or not to invest in making a portfolio. i don't have a lack of funding, cos i'm teaching tuition now.. but i'm supposed to be saving up for SEP next year. and what if no agency wants me and i make my portfolio for nothing? i'm not gonna be able to recoup my loss through assignments and bookings. rah.
i am in a dilemma. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't even want to go for the interview on the off chance that they'll want me. but i don't wannt pre-empt myself, nor deny myself the chance to pursue something that i truly wanna do. i've been scared of talking abt wanting to model to anyone cos i know that most of my friends and loved ones would have a "oh, okay. (are-you-serious-about-actually-modelling-though??)" kinda reaction, and i wouldn't be able to deal with the subtly put-across snub. now that i've actually had the courage to pursue something i've wanted for a long time (though it was on a whim), i don't want to turn back from here and go back to living in the fear of before, of not being to go for what i want because i'm too afraid of too many things.
my mom doesn't want me to go into journalism, but i'm starting to realise that i gotta fight for that if i truly want to go into it. not fight her per se, but fight by showing her that the profession isn't all as cut-out as it appears to be, that her fears in the profession are unfounded and i can succeed in it.
this modelling thing has been something i've wanted to do since i was 16. after my O's, i'd wanted to do part-time modelling but my mom discouraged me from it and i ended up working at Robinson's that Christmas. terribly dissatisfied, but my dissatisfaction quashed by the surety of the money i'd earn as a salesgirl there. after A's, i'd wanted to do modelling too, but once again, i was dissuaded from it and the mere mention of it was pooh-poohed - so i ended up working as a part-time clerk at some manufacturing firm in Eunos. again, the certainty of the money i'd be earning replaced that dissatisfaction and restlessness in me. i've had enough of giving up what i've been wanting to do for so long for money (and practicality). i'm not gonna be young forever, which is a crucial asset to a model. i don't wanna look back at these years and rue the lost chances at fulfilling that dream when i'm 40 and past the age of even trying to fulfil it.
i know, models are supposed to be leggy, striking, well-dressed, well-featured etc - things which i'm not really, but i could always try, couldn't i?
okay my secret's out so please don't laugh at me when you next see me. haha. but actually, it doesn't matter anymore cos i'm gonna go for the interview anyway (regardless of whether anyone laughs at me or tries to discourage me from going cos it's gonna be a fruitless one).
que sera, sera.
i'll worry abt what to do after the interview.
okay back to planning for the Hedda Gabler essay.
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