louder louder, the voices in my head.

i am in the midst of rewriting my Hedda Gabler essay now. just cooked maggi for myself cos my gastric was acting up. haven't eaten anything the whole day save for a little rice for dinner. CRAMPS. yucks. my period's early this month, though.

period updates aside..


was facebook surfing just now and looking at my friends' photos. that set me thinking & thinking and well.., thinking. seeing photos of certain people.. well. life really does go on, doesn't it. you think the world stops when it stops for you, you think the world caves in when your pain overwhelms in - but it doesn't.

it seems like just yesterday when everything was falling in and over my head. twice in a couple of months. but hey, look, my world didn't end there and then.

here i am now;
still alive, still feeling, still loving.


that doesn't mean that the pain i went through wasn't real, though. it just becomes part of my memory cos i can't live in it anymore. i mean, i could, and i can, still, if i want to. but as time passes, i recognise that i can't live in the past anymore. even worse, i can't let my past consume me and become my present. there's so much to live for, even though there was so much i lived for.

every now and then, i do let my mind slip back to months past. and whenever i allow myself to do this, it's damn bloody hard to pull myself back to the present. images inundate me, feelings inundate me - until i don't see what my eyes take in anymore but instead see what my memories hold tight in their boxes wrapped up tight with silk ribbons. i literally lose myself in my memories, and i don't want to leave them for whatever reality i'm living in.

but when i finally manage to pull myself out of the grip of the water-nymphs that hold the key to my memories, i don't allow myself to go back there for a long time because i recognise the danger of it.

tonight, when i was flipping through my facebook friends' photo albums, it hit me that life has gone on. so undeniably, that life has gone on regardless of whether i was ready to move too. seeing it in print makes me ever-more-sure of that certainty. it saddens me a bit, knowing that i'm so small in the whole scheme of things that it doesn't matter what i feel, somewhat. when it comes down to it, we're all so insignificant, it seems. our experiences are reduced to just a mere repetition in the world - another "oh i've been through it to, and i know exactly how you feel".

sometimes i just want to hit the pause button and keep replaying the moments i still hold dear to me, replay them and see what went wrong and where i missed out on certain things. scrutinise them, until they no longer bear any secrets to be unfolded. like a csi, i'd comb through the scene for all evidence. like a lit student, i'd tear the words apart just to get to the core of the meaning.


it's these kinda rainy days that make me reminisce and think back to those days of yore. i haven't allowed myself to do that in the longest time ever, it seems. i've explained it to myself as a combination of relentless schoolwork and insufficent time in my day as it is to finish everything i have to do on top of flipping through those dusty photo albums.


louder, louder,
the voices in my head.
whispers taunting,
all the things you said.
faster, the days go by,
and i'm still stuck in this moment
of wanting you here.
time -
in the blink of an eye.
you held my hand,
you held me tight.
now you're gone,
and i'm still crying.
shocked, broken,
i'm dying inside.
where are you?
i need you.
don't leave me here on my own.
speak to me,
be near me.
i can't survive unless i know you're with me.
shadows linger,
only to my eye.
i see you,
i feel you,
don't leave my side.
it's not fair -
just when i found my world;
they took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart.
i miss you,
you hurt me.
you left with a smile.
mistaken,
your sadness was hiding inside.
now all that's left,
are the pieces to find.
the mystery you kept,
the soul behind a guise.

you were smiling.

kelly clarkson/haunted.