my apologies to those who were alarmed by my last post. i am a slightly vindictive person inside, i suspect.

it's frustrating how some things just never really leave you. frustrates the hell out of me how i go round in circles in my own head, go over the same issues in my heart, and find no resolution.

and i find myself trying to comply with worldly standards. societal-imposed norms. who determines that this is right and that is wrong? who are you to judge this as right or wrong and impose it on me? yes, we're all entitled to our own value judgements, granted. but to impose it on me cos it's the societal norm? i don't think that's very fair.

not that anyone has been trying to impose any views on me (yet), but what i've been mulling over sure as hell warrants an outcry of "surely not! you must be out of your mind!" if i judge myself according to what Society deems as Right.

i've been feeling the need for self-censorship lately and i hate it that it's become like that. yes, a little self-censorship is always a good thing, cos you think over what you wanna say and ascertain that it's not merely a knee-jerk response, but i'm not used to it. so okay, maybe i'm an Alternative voice. like how you have alternative media where the wide-spread practise of self-censorship that exists in the mainstream media out of fear for stepping over OB markers isn't as prevalent. (phew, that was a mouthful of a sentence!)

i've been thinking about it, and it seems as though there're certain self-imposed OB markers in my life now, especially since i'm struggling to integrate someone else in so many aspects of my life now, all the readjustments that being in a relationship with someone entails. it's hard, to tell you the truth. i watch myself, watch my words, watch my thoughts, even - for fear of crossing the OB boundaries. OB, meaning out-of-bounds. areas where you shouldn't even dream of venturing into cos they're controversial, supposedly. or pose a threat to national security. (or personal security, in my case.) i don't allow myself to talk about certain things, think about certain things, so much so that sometimes it feels as though my heart and mind are two separate entities that exist alongside each other and i'm cutting their flow of communication to prevent them from working with each other.

in all respects i should be more than happy. i know it! and i want to embrace that knowledge! but there remains a little part of me that seems caught in its own time-trap and i'm pissed off with myself. like, get out of it already. what's the point in rehashing over and over again certain things or thoughts or feelings when all of these don't have a point to them now anyway? and i don't allow myself to speak of these at all, they've become Unspeakables in my life and i hate it that there're aspects of me i have to keep under wraps all the time.

so many things beyond my control. if i were a control-freak, which i'm starting to suspect that i am, sort of, i'd drive myself crazy with the knowledge that there're so many things i can't control.

omg i'm bloody pissed off.

this gets to me over and over and over again.
no heart at all, that's what.
am i vindictive? yeah, perhaps. looks like it. but i'm hopping mad and if i could stab something i would.
am i irrational? hell yeah, but who cares.

i'm this close to... RAH omg i'm so mad. annoyed doesn't even cut it.
bloodyhellbloodyhell.BLOODYHELL.

frickit.




i wish i never met you.
it's times like these when i wonder what the hell is happening inside me.
but i still wish i never did meet you, ever.

talking to my dad about the death of my grandpa almost 11 years ago today made me realise again how to love someone is to set him/her free.

i knew that my grandpa died when i was in Primary 3 from lung cancer. i knew that only a year elapsed between the time he was still scolding us grandchildren for blocking his view of the television and fit enough to take us out to the nearby park to run around and the time when he was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and very quickly wasted away in front of our eyes.

our grandpa didn't scold us anymore, for wanting to watch Captain Planet while he was watching his teletext - he just didn't watch teletext anymore. our grandpa didn't potter around the garden watering his precious collection of orchirds twice a day anymore. he just lay upstairs coughing and we weren't allowed to go upstairs to play anymore cos "kongkong is sick, so don't disturb him".

my dad told me that when my grandpa died, he was surrounded by all his 9 children and his wife - my aunts, uncles, and my grandma. they were saying the rosary when he passed away in his sleep. that, i knew. but what i didn't know till today was that my grandpa stopped breathing several times that night - but everytime one of his children or his wife touched him, he started breathing again. this went on for many times until the doctor on duty gently told my aunts, uncles, and grandma to stop touching him, to let him go.

and so, they did - and the last time my grandpa stopped breathing, no one touched him and he didn't resume his breathing again. and he died.

when my dad was telling us this over lunch today, i asked him why my grandpa resumed his breathing everytime someone touched him. and my dad told me that my grandpa wanted to die, he wanted to just slip off back to his Father in heaven cos the pain from the cancer was so bad. and so, cos he was more than ready to leave this world, he could stop his breathing peacefully. but, the moment one of his children or his wife touched him, he made himself begin his breathing again, forced himself to labouriously and painfully suck air into his lungs again so that he could stay alive for them. those touches from his loved ones were telling him "dad, don't go yet. we need you.", and so, he struggled to stay on for these touches.

the doctor observing this must have known my grandpa wanted to die, and was only willing himself to stay alive for those extra hours for his children who couldn't let him go, who kept touching him to tell him that they still needed him around.

and they all had to let him go, in the end. they had to force themselves to stop reaching out for their dad when he stopped breathing, knowing that by not touching him anymore, he'd allow himself to pass on. it must have hurt like hell for my dad to not reach out to his own dad, touching him and seeing him come back to life again (sort of), seeing his chest heave painfully but knowing that he was still alive. it must have been so painful, so difficult for my grandma and all my aunts and uncles to let go of the man they loved so much, to stop themselves from reaching out to him, to let him go.

they loved him, that much i'm certain of. my dad certainly loved my grandfather tremendously - he was tearing as he told us of my grandpa's last moments today. my grandfather doted on all of us older grandchildren, playing our games with us and taking us out to the nearby playground. both sets of grandparents brought my sister and i up in our younger years. my own parents would send us both to my grandparents' house in the morning before work and pick us up after work and after having dinner there. we got ready for school from my grandparents' house, ate all our meals there, took our afternoon naps there, played with all our cousins (whose parents did the same thing) there.

and you know how we're always told that if you love someone, you have to let him/her go, so much so that it's become a cliche?

it's true, though.

letting go of the one you love will hurt like hell, will be so difficult that you wonder why on earth you're putting yourself through the torture, and will elicit more than a few drops of tears from your eyes. the example of my dad, my aunts and uncle, and my grandma having to let go of my grandpa to death may be an extreme one, but it really made me realise how true that statement is. all the little loves i've had to let go, what are they compared to having to let go of your loved one to the grip of death? knowing you'll never get to talk to him/her again in this lifetime if you let him/her go, how do you do it?

i guess i can see this in the choices i've made in my own life. by choosing certain paths to take, i'm letting go of other possibilities, other people i've loved - and at the same time, because i love too. knowing certain choices i make may mean certain finalities does entail a 'letting go' on my part. when you let someone go, you don't do it with the hope in your heart that he/she will eventually come back to you one day. you just set him/her free, almost as if you're saying goodbye forever, without any expectation. with that expectation tied to the letting go, it's not really setting the person free, is it? how can it be, with all the conditions tied to the action of 'letting go'?

i acknowledge the wisdom in embracing the present and not wallowing in the past. i acknowledge the wisdom in not crying over spilt milk and instead, picking yourself up and forcing yourself to move on with life.

but sometimes, i must admit i still do wonder - at what cost will my compartmentalization of my past, present and future come at? at what cost will my act of willing myself to go on with life and not get lost in the past come at? or is there even a cost at all?

i love, so i set free. i love, so i let go.


Rachael Yamagata's I Wish You Love says it very nicely, i think.

i wish you bluebirds in spring
to give your heart a song to sing
and then, a kiss,
- but more than this:
i wish you love.
& in July, a lemonade
to cool you in some leafy glade
i wish you health
& more than wealth,
i wish you love.
my breaking heart & i agree
that you & i could never be
so with my best,
my very best
i set you free.
i wish you shelter from the storm
a cosy fire to keep you warm
but most of all,
when snowflakes fall,
i wish you love.

school is really killing me, and i can't wait for the term break. so much to do, every single night! i have no alone time anymore, NONE. i spend all my free time doing work; tutorials or research for projects, and the rest of the time in school. and sleep! omg! i need it! i've been having so much trouble waking up the last week for school! i've been snoozing for half-an-hour every morning after the alarm rings cos i just can't get up.

you know, i think that when you keep repeating something to yourself and to everyone, you're subconsciously trying to convince yourself of the authenticity of whatever assertion you've made. so when i keep telling myself "i don't need him in my life anymore", i'm trying my darndest to convince myself that i don't. example in point here.

all the ambiguity in the lit texts this sem are rather apt in describing my own ambivalence towards myself. there's really nothing in something, the identity you strive so hard to create for yourself isn't really truly yours, there's a hole in 'whole', an absence in the centre. okay, so i'm not angsty, i'm not raging against the world, i'm not wallowing in befuddling self-pity and misery. i'm just trying to make sense of my chaos, a chaos which shouldn't even be there, has absolutely no right to exist, and yet still persists in spite of my efforts to find some order for the chaos existing in my universe.

maybe i should set up National Suicide Day, a la Shadrack in Toni Morrison's Sula. in an attempt to control my chaos and justify it being there, i instituitionalise it. make it a Day.

but how do you make chaos into order? the word 'chaos' already looks so messy, and doesn't look quite right to begin with. English words don't start with a 'ch' and end with an 'aos'. it's like Greek. trying to compartmentalize my chaos would be like grasping at thin air, at wispy straws. the alternative would be to force myself to put aside my past and my present, compartmentalize them both and suppress my history so that i can exist as wholly as i can now. Shadrack did that, he became mad. he was so suppressed that he went a bit off his rocker and his mental faculties got a bit warped. so in my making some sense of my chaos, will i become like Shadrack too? of course, i haven't been forced to see 'what no human eyes should never be made to see', courtesy of Dr Roy my lit lecturer, but i've had to feel what i'd never allow myself to feel again, been made to go through what i'd never wish on anyone else. not cos it's physically hurtful and exceptionally violent or miserable, but because of the sheer normalcy enforced upon everything that it makes it all seem rather unconceivable.

i think i can understand a bit of what's been happening to me since April, now. my inability to talk about anything, to share with anyone my thoughts and my feelings about certain issues, my insistence at clinging on to certain emotions even though i have no use for them anymore - they're all starting to make a little more sense. i don't talk about things anymore, don't share about my life anymore cos i did, once, and had the rug pulled out from right under my feet when it was shoved in front of my face that my reality isn't reality at all. it shook me terribly, i must admit. being told innumerable times, even by your most loved and trusted friends, that what you lived through, what you experienced with your senses - they're all not real in the real reality, they're all lies, it cut me. it subverted my sense of what is real and what isn't, and i clammed up after that period of time cos i didn't want to be told again that my life has been but a lie thus far. finding out that you've been living a lie (or so it's been drilled into your head), it's scary.

it scared me. if i'm so 'deluded', as they all say, then everything i've thought, felt, or lived through - they're all lies.

YOU'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE THE LAST YEAR.
extrapolated, you start to wonder when your lie began and when you hadn't been living in that lie.

how does that feel? hearing that? thinking that? feeling that?

i'll tell you, what it felt to me: i was terrified.

so, i stopped writing in my diary (because everything i'd written in there was contrary to what everyone told me was 'true'), i stopped talking about a lot of things, i shut down a huge part of me and left what was necessary to function daily.

even now, i don't talk about certain things to certain people. why would i want to tell him/her what i feel only to have him/her tell me that whatever i'm feeling - it's not real? no thankyou, sir.

so you see, if everything i'd lived through prior to where i am now wasn't real, then that just nullifies the feelings i felt then, right? everything 'real' begins when people deem it as such. so in that sense, the nihilists are right in the sense that there are no absolutes in the world. even such a concrete facet of reality - reality itself - it's relative and could be rendered empty with just the rolling off of words off the tongue.

you say it's real, therefore it is. you say it isn't, therefore it isn't.

in that sense, i'm no better than Nel or Sula, aren't i? my sense of reality and linked to that - my sense of me, of self - is dependent on how other people reflect it back to me. so if friend A reflects the 'truth' as such to me and it's in conflict with what my 'truth' is, the 'truth' could be either reflection's version of it.

my truth now is what you perceive it to be. whatever it is. i'm too tired to struggle and fight against the perception and portrayal of 'truth' anymore. have i let someone else define what kind of truth i ought to be living in now, then? perhaps, but at least that lie won't be mine alone anymore.

think what you want now. but if you ask me what i mean, i don't think i have answers for you - i don't even have the answers for myself.




sometimes i feel like asking whether it's remembered, whether i remember correctly. and what now, knowing what's been happening?
i walk past the benches under the trees and close my eyes, recapturing that moment in time.

remember what i said?
"i don't wanna go, cos i just know that once i pull myself out of this moment, it'll never pass me by again."

remember what you said?
"why?"

remember what i said to that?
"i dunno, i just know it."

and you said,
"it won't. there'll be many more times like these next time."


lies. everything i remembered didn't exist, according to several people. lies, they're all lies.
you wouldn't know how to react if x and y happened? react now, then. but since the above was a lie and all the aboves are lies too, this was probably 'deluded' up too, which just nullifies everything and accordingly, leaves a huge gap in my memory and past.

so who am i now, if not the sum total of who i was then? since the sum total comes up to zero?

HAHA but well, no one who needs to read this blog reads anyway so my post just becomes another truth in my reality but a non-existent in yours. non-issue. ugh. i abhor that word.

if you can make sense of this montage of songs, you're either really good, or you really understand me right now.


what's up?
i know we haven't spoken for a while
but i was thinking about you
and it kinda made me smile
so many things to say
& i'll put them in a letter.
thought i might be easier,
the words might come out better.
how's your mother? how's your little brother?
does he still look just like you?
so many things i wanna know the answers to
wish i could press rewind
& rewrite every line,
to the story of me & you.

oh, i know i could say we're through
and tell myself i'm over you
but even if i made a vow
i promise not to miss you now,
and try to hide the truth inside
i'd fail cos i - i just can't live a lie.

cos i'm afraid, & i can't breathe
& i'm in love with you
but you are not with me
cos i have put so much into a life
i made too much about you now to lie.

how did i get here with you, i'll never know
i never meant to let it get so personal.
after all i tried to do,
stay away from loving you
i'm broken-hearted, i can't let you know.
& i won't let it show,
you won't see me cry.

one thing i'm wondering
when you run out of friends,
will you be coming back home?
let's think this through again
let's take a different spin
why can't i leave you alone?
somewhere tonight, you may be found
with some other girl you've been dragging around
you lie to yourself,
and you lie to me.
it seems like the truth is your worst enemy.

this time was different,
felt like i was just a victim
& it cut me like a knife,
when you walked out of my life.
now i'm in this condition
& i've got all the symptoms
of the girl with a broken heart
but no matter what, you'll never see me cry.

because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learnt to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you,
i find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me.
because of you,
i am afraid.

when you're gone,

the face i came to know is missing too.

no, i can't learn to live without

and i can't give up on us now.

i guess it's gonna have to hurt,

i guess i'm gonna have to cry.

and let go of some things i've loved

to get to the other side.

i guess it's gonna break me down,

like falling when you try to fly.

it's sad,

but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life -

starts with goodbye.

Jesus, take the wheel
take it from my hands,
cos i can't do this on my own.
i'm letting go,
so give me one more chance
to save me from this road i'm on
Jesus, take the wheel.

when you walk away i count the steps that you take

one thing before i go,
something i've gotta know:
boy, did you ever love me?


*
Carrie Underwood: I Just Can't Live A Lie, Starts With Goodbye, Jesus Take the Wheel
Katharine McPhee: Better Off Alone
Rihanna: Cry
Kelly Clarkson: Because of You
Avril Lavigne: When You're Gone
Rachael Yamagata: Letter Read

i'm tucked away in a corner in the central library in one of those study carrels and i'm so tired! i was dozing off in my new media lecture this morning, even though i slept at 11pm last night and should have gotten just about the right amount of sleep.

i think it's just the early-morning thing.. too early for me to even function. all i want to do is curl up into a ball and go to sleep till 3 cos that's when my next class is, only. but i have no place to sleep! these carrel things are quite useful. unfortunately, it seems to be only available to NUS staff and graduate students. whatever happened to undergraduate facilities! heh. but not too bad, i'm using one of those carrels that're available to all library users. it's quite warm and it's cosy. but i have black rain to watch, still! i think i shall nap till 11 then go to the media centre and watch it. it's becoming a pain in the ass cos i'd much rather be sleeping than watching.

and the interactive media tutorial later is gonna be bad, i think. i haven't done any research for our project yet cos i've been up to my ears with work, ditto for the japanese studies term paper which i'm supposed to present on in class next tutorial. bleahhhh. i have such a bloody headache.. i think next time on tuedays i'm gonna bring a pillow to school with me so i can sleep in one of these carrels thingys. i wish i had a room in hall again. if only i could sleep between classes. on a bed, not a table.

shall try to nap now.

my day in point form since i'm beyond tired and i can't lift my fingers up to type for too long:

- drove to school this morning after sending mom and dad down to work.
- discovered the many different car parks of NUS! - found one in UCC, and one more in the university hall.
- attended the launch of the Campus Sustainability Committee for The Ridge. (it wasn't very fantastic and was full of mature adults in power suits and too-much-make-up.)
- got a very cute door gift from the launch thingy! my very own money plant! i named it Mah Fan cos i have to water it twice a week or so, and it was troublesome bringing it back since my dad had to sit in the front seat of the car.
- intro to interactivity media lectures are the absolute blahs. i don't feel like going anymore cos i don't know anyone at all.
- tried watching more of Black Rain today in the morning. it's taking me absolutely forever to watch.
- had diarrhoea in the morning. my stomach is turning topsy-turvy.
- tried the deep-friend bazhang at the vivo food republic today for lunch (even though it's not good for the diarrhoea, i think).
- watched Hairspray in between lunch and lecture at 4! John Travolta was superbly scary as Tracy's mother, and i actually do suspect i'm slightly prejudiced as a person after the show.
- i wish i were free tomorrow. :( for many many reasons. :( again.
- i have soci tutorial to prepare for tonight before i tumble into bed and an article by Howard Becker to read. Mr. Becker, why do you write such long and cheem journal articles? i read a bit of it in the toilet this morning and still have more than half to read.
- bad drive home cos the traffic was bad, dad was screaming at me telling me what a sucky driver i am, and mom wasn't helping me any when she contributed to the screeching. i was so tempted to horn at any random car that annoyed me the slightest.
- I AM TIRED, AND I HAVEN'T EATEN DINNER YET OR BATHED. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. YUCKY, EARLY MORNING AGAIN TOMORROW. RAAAAAHHHH. i am so not an early morning person.

today was one of those crampy days that make me feel like i wasn't alive. days like these seem to give me licence to loll around in bed all day (cos i really can't sit up), and whine a lot about the pain in my abdomen and just basically look and flop around like a dead duck.

Clem said that maybe it's cos of these once-a-month occurences that help me keep as seemingly skinny as i am and keep that once again, seemingly flawless complexion. cos the nausea's so bad and i keep retching, i simply do not eat anything for the two days of my cramps, till it subsides. i don't want to eat and have to heave up food into the toilet bowl. he claims it's a detox process and it's probably helping me stay the way i look even though i'm about one of the unhealthiest eaters on the planet.

like how my body needs a detoxing once every month to stay in shape and form (though i assure you, i don't look forward to this 'detoxing' process), i'm beginning to wonder if my soul needs a similar process - to get rid of all the rubbish it ingests and accumulates. my seemingly invisible soul exists in a realm my physical body cannot see, but i'm sure it needs to be taken care of like how i ought to take care of my physical body by exercising and drinking enough water, resting enough and eating when i'm hungry.

it's a painful process, though. my stomach feels extremely sore and my entire body's aching and feeling extremely weak, but i've completely lost my tummy and i swear my legs seem slimmer already. perhaps not such an extreme kind of detoxing process should be what i aim for for my soul's well-being, but i do think it's necessary however painful/annoying/uncomfortable it may be. and i think one way to detox my soul would be to keep a day or two completely free of my laptop and my worldly worries; money worries, school work, computer games and the deadly internet, the television - they all must go for a day. perhaps i ought to spend a day each month in the great outdoors, just me and my soul and the refreshing greenery and air.

haha, perhaps i'm too idealistic, but i can try for something as similar to this ideal as i can, right? stay off connectivity for a day. introspect and reflect.

hmm. now that's a thought to chew on!