school is really killing me, and i can't wait for the term break. so much to do, every single night! i have no alone time anymore, NONE. i spend all my free time doing work; tutorials or research for projects, and the rest of the time in school. and sleep! omg! i need it! i've been having so much trouble waking up the last week for school! i've been snoozing for half-an-hour every morning after the alarm rings cos i just can't get up.

you know, i think that when you keep repeating something to yourself and to everyone, you're subconsciously trying to convince yourself of the authenticity of whatever assertion you've made. so when i keep telling myself "i don't need him in my life anymore", i'm trying my darndest to convince myself that i don't. example in point here.

all the ambiguity in the lit texts this sem are rather apt in describing my own ambivalence towards myself. there's really nothing in something, the identity you strive so hard to create for yourself isn't really truly yours, there's a hole in 'whole', an absence in the centre. okay, so i'm not angsty, i'm not raging against the world, i'm not wallowing in befuddling self-pity and misery. i'm just trying to make sense of my chaos, a chaos which shouldn't even be there, has absolutely no right to exist, and yet still persists in spite of my efforts to find some order for the chaos existing in my universe.

maybe i should set up National Suicide Day, a la Shadrack in Toni Morrison's Sula. in an attempt to control my chaos and justify it being there, i instituitionalise it. make it a Day.

but how do you make chaos into order? the word 'chaos' already looks so messy, and doesn't look quite right to begin with. English words don't start with a 'ch' and end with an 'aos'. it's like Greek. trying to compartmentalize my chaos would be like grasping at thin air, at wispy straws. the alternative would be to force myself to put aside my past and my present, compartmentalize them both and suppress my history so that i can exist as wholly as i can now. Shadrack did that, he became mad. he was so suppressed that he went a bit off his rocker and his mental faculties got a bit warped. so in my making some sense of my chaos, will i become like Shadrack too? of course, i haven't been forced to see 'what no human eyes should never be made to see', courtesy of Dr Roy my lit lecturer, but i've had to feel what i'd never allow myself to feel again, been made to go through what i'd never wish on anyone else. not cos it's physically hurtful and exceptionally violent or miserable, but because of the sheer normalcy enforced upon everything that it makes it all seem rather unconceivable.

i think i can understand a bit of what's been happening to me since April, now. my inability to talk about anything, to share with anyone my thoughts and my feelings about certain issues, my insistence at clinging on to certain emotions even though i have no use for them anymore - they're all starting to make a little more sense. i don't talk about things anymore, don't share about my life anymore cos i did, once, and had the rug pulled out from right under my feet when it was shoved in front of my face that my reality isn't reality at all. it shook me terribly, i must admit. being told innumerable times, even by your most loved and trusted friends, that what you lived through, what you experienced with your senses - they're all not real in the real reality, they're all lies, it cut me. it subverted my sense of what is real and what isn't, and i clammed up after that period of time cos i didn't want to be told again that my life has been but a lie thus far. finding out that you've been living a lie (or so it's been drilled into your head), it's scary.

it scared me. if i'm so 'deluded', as they all say, then everything i've thought, felt, or lived through - they're all lies.

YOU'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE THE LAST YEAR.
extrapolated, you start to wonder when your lie began and when you hadn't been living in that lie.

how does that feel? hearing that? thinking that? feeling that?

i'll tell you, what it felt to me: i was terrified.

so, i stopped writing in my diary (because everything i'd written in there was contrary to what everyone told me was 'true'), i stopped talking about a lot of things, i shut down a huge part of me and left what was necessary to function daily.

even now, i don't talk about certain things to certain people. why would i want to tell him/her what i feel only to have him/her tell me that whatever i'm feeling - it's not real? no thankyou, sir.

so you see, if everything i'd lived through prior to where i am now wasn't real, then that just nullifies the feelings i felt then, right? everything 'real' begins when people deem it as such. so in that sense, the nihilists are right in the sense that there are no absolutes in the world. even such a concrete facet of reality - reality itself - it's relative and could be rendered empty with just the rolling off of words off the tongue.

you say it's real, therefore it is. you say it isn't, therefore it isn't.

in that sense, i'm no better than Nel or Sula, aren't i? my sense of reality and linked to that - my sense of me, of self - is dependent on how other people reflect it back to me. so if friend A reflects the 'truth' as such to me and it's in conflict with what my 'truth' is, the 'truth' could be either reflection's version of it.

my truth now is what you perceive it to be. whatever it is. i'm too tired to struggle and fight against the perception and portrayal of 'truth' anymore. have i let someone else define what kind of truth i ought to be living in now, then? perhaps, but at least that lie won't be mine alone anymore.

think what you want now. but if you ask me what i mean, i don't think i have answers for you - i don't even have the answers for myself.




sometimes i feel like asking whether it's remembered, whether i remember correctly. and what now, knowing what's been happening?
i walk past the benches under the trees and close my eyes, recapturing that moment in time.

remember what i said?
"i don't wanna go, cos i just know that once i pull myself out of this moment, it'll never pass me by again."

remember what you said?
"why?"

remember what i said to that?
"i dunno, i just know it."

and you said,
"it won't. there'll be many more times like these next time."


lies. everything i remembered didn't exist, according to several people. lies, they're all lies.
you wouldn't know how to react if x and y happened? react now, then. but since the above was a lie and all the aboves are lies too, this was probably 'deluded' up too, which just nullifies everything and accordingly, leaves a huge gap in my memory and past.

so who am i now, if not the sum total of who i was then? since the sum total comes up to zero?

HAHA but well, no one who needs to read this blog reads anyway so my post just becomes another truth in my reality but a non-existent in yours. non-issue. ugh. i abhor that word.