my apologies to those who were alarmed by my last post. i am a slightly vindictive person inside, i suspect.

it's frustrating how some things just never really leave you. frustrates the hell out of me how i go round in circles in my own head, go over the same issues in my heart, and find no resolution.

and i find myself trying to comply with worldly standards. societal-imposed norms. who determines that this is right and that is wrong? who are you to judge this as right or wrong and impose it on me? yes, we're all entitled to our own value judgements, granted. but to impose it on me cos it's the societal norm? i don't think that's very fair.

not that anyone has been trying to impose any views on me (yet), but what i've been mulling over sure as hell warrants an outcry of "surely not! you must be out of your mind!" if i judge myself according to what Society deems as Right.

i've been feeling the need for self-censorship lately and i hate it that it's become like that. yes, a little self-censorship is always a good thing, cos you think over what you wanna say and ascertain that it's not merely a knee-jerk response, but i'm not used to it. so okay, maybe i'm an Alternative voice. like how you have alternative media where the wide-spread practise of self-censorship that exists in the mainstream media out of fear for stepping over OB markers isn't as prevalent. (phew, that was a mouthful of a sentence!)

i've been thinking about it, and it seems as though there're certain self-imposed OB markers in my life now, especially since i'm struggling to integrate someone else in so many aspects of my life now, all the readjustments that being in a relationship with someone entails. it's hard, to tell you the truth. i watch myself, watch my words, watch my thoughts, even - for fear of crossing the OB boundaries. OB, meaning out-of-bounds. areas where you shouldn't even dream of venturing into cos they're controversial, supposedly. or pose a threat to national security. (or personal security, in my case.) i don't allow myself to talk about certain things, think about certain things, so much so that sometimes it feels as though my heart and mind are two separate entities that exist alongside each other and i'm cutting their flow of communication to prevent them from working with each other.

in all respects i should be more than happy. i know it! and i want to embrace that knowledge! but there remains a little part of me that seems caught in its own time-trap and i'm pissed off with myself. like, get out of it already. what's the point in rehashing over and over again certain things or thoughts or feelings when all of these don't have a point to them now anyway? and i don't allow myself to speak of these at all, they've become Unspeakables in my life and i hate it that there're aspects of me i have to keep under wraps all the time.

so many things beyond my control. if i were a control-freak, which i'm starting to suspect that i am, sort of, i'd drive myself crazy with the knowledge that there're so many things i can't control.