having just got back from Vietnam yesterday, i suddenly find myself inundated by things to do. especially since i'm starting my Business Times internship on Tuesday! i can't believe i'm a little reluctant to start it, since i gave up SO MUCH OF MY EXAM TIME to go for the writing test AND interview. and the regular ol' dark cloud over my head all the time i thought i didn't make it through the interview. but when i received the email about the internship beginning on Tuesday while in Vietnam, i was like yay!!! at first. then it sank in that i just bade farewell to my December break. and that the new school term would arrive even before i know it.
i'm like, aaaaaahhh, nooo. i NEED a BREAK.
but nevermind. for the sake of my future, i cannot be a lazy bum. i'm really so lazy sometimes i amaze myself. all i want to do is sleep, eat, and do nothing but entertain myself at home. an occasional shopping trip or pampering massage, and i'm set.
my luggage is still strewn all over my floor. i haven't managed to unpack ever since coming back from Vietnam last night. woke up too bloody early this morning for the LFC convention at St. Theresa's. i'm mad, i think. why on earth do i put myself through this things when i know at the end of the day i'm gonna whine and whine and whine. went to Vivo after the convention today to pick up some office wear for my 4-week internship stint, seeing i have absolutely none at the mo. and yet my cupboard is bursting. something is severely wrong.
i shall upload photos from the trip tomorrow or something. and blog about the trip tomorrow or something too. i shall stop right here to scoot off to unpack the bigger luggage so i can walk in my room.
strangely, many of my old ghosts aren't dead and buried as i thought they were (now, now don't jump to conclusions. i have several ghosts in my past, not just the one i seem to have harped on.) today's convention wasn't fantastic per se for me, as it made me realise for the umpteeth time about the many shortcomings in my own ministry and my own failure to do anything about anything, and it just frustrated the heck out of me. but somewhere along the line, either during one of the prayers or during worship, God touched me again for the first time in God knows how long (forgive the pun, please do.) something in my snapped and it broke down the feelings of invincibility and self-sufficiency i've been feeling in my life these days, these feelings largely due to the fullness of my life's activities the past few months. gone were the heady feelings of cockiness and arrogance that have somewhat dominated my life lately, and what replaced them was the absolutely shitty and humbling feeling of being totally unwanted.
it's a feeling that's dogged me for a long time, through things that have happened over and over again with many different casts. my deepest fear is just that - the fear of being unwanted. it's become almost a phobia that i've covered with layers and layers of self-assurance, vanity, and 'meaningful' activities all these years. as the feeling intensified with each rejection or abandonment took place, the cover-ups became more and more realistic and it became ever more crucial for me to remain masked just as so. lately, i'm starting to feel the feeling all over again. it began with Cheryl. then Dan, and Dan again. and it seems i'm starting to lose Chelsa too, now. it's hard when the person you love pushes you away, either by totally ignoring you, with harsh words, or with a cold demeanour. perhaps somewhere along the line i must have done something to these people who are 'not wanting' me. sometimes, i can identify what i did, but most of the times, i'm almost totally oblivious. and it frustrates me because i'm at the receiving end of some cold war that i didn't even begin and didn't even want to take part in. it's all starting to make me think that i don't want to even try to hold on to those i love anymore. what's the point, when the harder you hold on to someone, the more you love someone, and the more painful it is when he/she pushes you away and doesn't want you? the rejection becomes all the harder to bear, the abandonment becomes that much more acute a pain inside you, the subtle ignoring becomes magnified and all-too-obvious.
i'm through with church people, sometimes i think to myself. it's so odd right, that most of the people who truly care for me as a person are those from outside the community, especially when my community is supposed to be all-inclusive, loving, and a family? sometimes it feels like i'm only worth something because i'm "part" of the community. then i ask myself, what community? it's too hard a question to ask myself cos i can't give myself an answer i'd be happy with, so i push it all aside and just forget the unwantedness, forget the rejection, forget the disappointments and try my darndest to live for the future and not in the past.
now, i'm just plain terrified i'll lose Tri the way i seem to be losing Chels. she's too integral a part of my life to just say goodbye to like that. but then again, i thought all those people who didn't want me were integral parts of my life too back then. but i'm still alive now, without those "integral" parts. i can only spend that much time grieving completely. i know for some of my losses, i'll mourn the rest of my life for them. but in private. when no one knows, when no one's around, that's when i allow myself to give in to the hurts. just for that while.
i know i know. it's not healthy to accumulate hurts and let them fester. but how can i close the wounds when they won't allow me closure?
letting myself relive the feelings of being unwanted is something i wish i didn't allow myself to feel ever. it brings to my mind rejection Jesus must feel when i don't want Him in my life, and it makes me all the more aghast at myself. it makes me no better than the people who have inflicted that horrid hurt in my life. i don't want to think about this anymore. happy thoughts, please.
see. the covering-up is so natural now that i routinely replace my sadder thoughts with happy thoughts and thoughts about what to do on so-and-so date.
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