forgetting.

i was just looking through some of my old posts (doing lit always makes me dig up things in the past cos of all its questions about memory and forgetting), and i realised i forgot the reasons behind some of the emotional outbursts. already. things i got so worked up over in September, i can't for the life of me remember why now.

i admit, it frustrates me that i can't remember. it was so real to me then, my pissed-off-post proved that. but right now, i can't remember and it just makes it seem as though nothing happened - when something did. i feel like i'm betraying my memories and the reality of my past by allowing myself to move on and ultimately forget. but i also admit that this effacement of memory is somewhat crucial to the process of moving on in life. i don't necessarily think that it's the happiest thing that could happen, i wish moving on didn't have to come at the price of my memories. but would i want to live in my past and die lost in ghosts, or live in my present for what it is?

so when i look at it from another angle, i'm actually glad (okay glad is kinda pushing it. i'm not sad. yes.) that i'm starting to forget, that the sheer intensity of the emotions of the moments are leaving me and disappearing further and further into the reccesses of my mind. i know i'm moving on in life, i can feel it day by day as i live my life for what it is and not what it was, and there's so much to look forward to. some things are starting to not have an effect on me, which is good cos i'm a lot less inhibited now, and feel so much more free and unburdened. i mean, of course it doesn't negate the fact that i still think certain things, but i'm no longer bogged down by the weight of poisionous memory.


okay i'm really tired now.
met Chels at 230 to discuss lit themes, then went down to Raffles City to meet mom and Carol to change the size of a pair of shoes and get some office clothes. if i get the sph internship. i hope i do! but then again, things have a way of not working out when you want or need them to. i'm a pessimist by training. i make myself believe in the worst-case scenario of every situation and make myself live through it so that if it ever happens, i won't sink into depression and cry my eyeballs out.
mom bought some really pretty office tops for me to wear, but the bottoms are giving me a headache. my body shape is irriating cos i'm big at the hip cos of the bone structure, but small at the waist and everywhere else on my body. so the sizes that fit my hip look too big on the rest of my body, while the sizes that're just right for my frame do not allow me to zip up my bottom. it's terrible. i tried on like 20 pairs of pants and skirts today, but not a single one looked decent. furthermore, it would seem that i have a slightly huger ass to contend with, so pencil skirts got crossed out cos mom said they looked obscene with my ass sticking out.

i'm tired. i am going to sleep. and i can feel my cramps. i've been having cramps on off the last few days. i hope my period doesn't induce a horrific bout of cramps this time round.