Waiting for Thelmas's Laughter. no, - goodbye to Colin's.

You wanna take the world
in hand
and fix-it-up
the way you fix your living room

You wanna reach out and crush
life's big and small injustices
in the fire and honey
of your hands.

You wanna scream
cause your head's too small
for your dreams

and the children
running around
acting like lil clowns
breaking the furniture down
while I sit through
it all watching you
knowing anytime now
your laughter's gonna come

to drown and heal us all

GRACE NICHOLS




***



i thought i'd be ecstatic that exams are over today - and yet, when i was done with my last paper, ecstacy didn't quite creep in.

must've been the news of Colin's passing on that's weighing me down. the thunderstorm is befitting of the mood today, i must say. much has been said about how he will be missed, so i shall not add on to the chorus because that is tacit. how the death of a friend affects those around him never fails to amaze me, and i amaze myself too. i found myself replaying all the times when i spoke to him in my head as i drove to pick Clem up after my paper today without even meaning to think abt it, found myself remembering the exact time and place i last spoke to him and the world youth day he was supposed to go for with us next year. i found myself constantly visualising him in my mind's eye as i went about my daily business without even meaning to call up those images. if it's so hard for me as it is, i can't imagine what it must be like for those who were really close to him. just the thought that we'd all never be able to speak to him again, see him walking jauntily around in the canteen again, eat prata at hupseng with him again - it hit me like a ton of bricks and went all the way down to my toes.

death seems so final somehow. even though i know he's in a better place now, it's the loss of a friend in your life that makes death hard to accept. i guess it's the selfish part in all of us that grieves, because we feel the loss.

life's so ephemeral, it's too true when they say you should live like there's no tomorrow. because one day, there'll really not be a tomorrow. speak to all the people you wanna speak to, make up with those you have rows with, tell those whom you love that you love them, don't live in fear of consequences but just live. i'll try. i always say i'll try when death strikes and my mortality becomes too evident for my liking. but then, the realisation eventually dissipates and i go back to my fearful existence.

but from today onwards, i'll try.