enough is enough.

okay it's Christmas and supposed to be a happy day - & it has been, for most of the day. but you know, i've realised some things after all the busyness of the gift-exchanges and photo-taking.

i've decided that i'm not gonna argue with him anymore for someone who probably doesn't even appreciate it anyway. you can't just waltz in and out of my life expecting me to be there whenever you "feel" like being my friend. i feel like i've been taken for a ride and i'm getting off here, thankyou. go blow hot cold all you like, i won't give a damn anymore. and if it comes to picking a side - i used to always pick yours. you know it. and i would have gone on doing things like that, except now that fights are becoming more and more frequent over the most inane and irrelevant things. i'm not going to keep trying to be nice. i can't be nice without genuinely meaning it. i'm starting to not genuinely mean it, and so i think i shall not be hypocritical and smile and pretend i don't mind. i didn't mind, but it's getting a bit much now.

i don't like people who patronize me. if you patronize me, i shall not even deign to talk to you anymore. i'm through with being nice and easygoing and smiley. i don't like people who smile at me but hate me at heart. hate me to my face, please.

i'm so sick of trying so hard for nothing. i'm so sick of people who make my life difficult when doing just something small would make it less difficult. i'm bloody sick of people who think the universe revolves around themselves. of course, no one would admit that about themselves. i think i'm reluctant to admit that about myself sometimes too. but when i realise that about myself, i immediately feel damn bad and try to make ammends for my brattish behaviour. and admit to my selfishness and idiocy. but then, thinking about it now - who's being the idiot here? maybe i've been idiotic all this while, thinking that the self-centredness is the disease when in actual fact, selflessness may be the ailment?

i don't believe in tit-for-tat kind of behaviour as a general rule of thumb, but sometimes i find myself engaging in it anyway. you piss me off, i'll piss you off too. sometimes, i also remove myself from your being when you piss me off. writing it all out makes it seem unbearably childish, but i do it anyway.

okay so this post is unbelievably incoherent, and i don't want to seem like some heartless ungrateful piece of shit. but my realizations have been long overdue - as have my decisions. i'm through with putting up with all sorts of randomness - warned or not, hurtful behaviour is hurtful behaviour anyway. i don't think a murdered person would be understanding towards his murderer even if the murderer had warned the murderee that "i may decide to murder you someday." as an excuse, it doesn't cut it. if the murderer tries to use this excuse in court in his own defence, i am absolutely certain that the judge would laugh in his face and tell him off for trying to be funny.

a part of me still wants to be loving and accepting because the bottomline is that i cared and care. but a part of me wants to cut my losses and not allow myself to be treated like that anymore. it's all too human, but aren't i exactly that - human?