everything is okay?

waking up i see that everything is okay.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so great.
slowing down i look around, & i'm so amazed.
i think about the little things that make life great -
i wouldn't change a thing about it,
this is the best feeling.

this innocence is brilliant,
i hope that it will stay.
this moment is perfect,
please don't go away;
i need you now.
& i'll hold on to it
; don't you let it pass you by.

i found a place so safe, not a single tear.
the 1st time in my life, & now it's so clear.
feel calm, i belong,
i'm so happy here.
it's so strong, & now i let myself be sincere.

it's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming.
it's the happiness inside that you're feeling.
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.

it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
makes you wanna cry.
this innocence is brilliant,
please don't go away.
cos i need you now;
& i'll hold on to it,
don't you let it pass you by.

innocence/avril lavigne


(& no, i did not have sex or anything like that, though it may read like something along those lines.)





all these things that're happening, i wonder if i'm dreaming, i wonder if they're real. it's almost too good to be true, my future seems almost too rosy to take in hook, line & sinker. it's like i was existing aimlessly with lots of dreams but no way of fulfilling them for the longest time ever, & all of a sudden, my aimless existence actually has an outlet of fulfillment. i'm almost afraid to believe all these, that they're actually real & about to happen to me. i don't want to wake up & realise that hey, it was all a dream. & go back to my floaty life. on one hand, it feels too surreal to be true, but on the other, well, it still feels too surreal to be true. there's so much of life to look forward to, it's scary. what if it was all a mistake, & it turns out that there is nothing to look forward to cos i'm not good enough? i'm scared to even think of the possibility of living the life i seem on the brink of living cos of the possibility that it might just be a lie. like last february, when i was on the brink of believing something & actually living in that belief, when it turned out to be a cruel mistake. it made me so scared to hope, so scared to believe in the rosiness of the horizon - it's made me the cynic i am sometimes. i wish i could go back to living in the optimism of those times, when i was less afraid to dream & less afraid to live out my dreams. now, i only believe what i'm knocked over the head with. the warmth of his hand in mine, the sound of his voice in my ear. i don't imagine about the warmth of his hand in mine, don't imagine the sound of his voice in my ear. i only believe that they're real when i feel it, when i hear it. similarly, i don't believe that i could be this close to living the kind of life i want, until i'm actually living in it, breathing in it, doing in it.

Business Times contacted me today about an internship with them during the nov/dec break. out of the blue. i'm to go down to sph for a writing test before flying off, & if i can't take this attachment up cos of insufficient time, i'll be able to take up a full 8-week internship with sph after next semester ends. providing i pass the writing test, that is. them contacting me about an internship is almost surreal, & i can't believe i'm this close to getting an internship without even trying this time when i tried so hard last June. it's so odd, & i can't explain it. my portfolio shoot on Tuesday went well, & i had tonnes of fun in front of the camera. & my last few weeks with Clem have been really good - lots of smiles & happiness, for the first time in dunno how long. SEP application is exciting me even though i haven't gotten any place anywhere yet - but the thought of going overseas for 6 months makes me weak with excitement. it's been my dream since secondary school to study in an overseas uni, i'd have gone if i had slightly more money.

everything seems to be going so right for me now, i can't help but feel there's something wrong somewhere. yes yes, shoot the pessimist, why don't you. but what if this were all unreal? stuff in my past have affected me terribly, even though no one thinks or sees so, cos they ought not to be any reason for that affectation. i've given up trying to even imprint on anyone how much impact all that have on my life even right now, because it seems trivial, silly, even, to most people. i've accepted that i can't change what people think or say, so i have to live with it & deal with it all. sometimes i feel all those things in my past slipping away silently, & i stand where i am & wave them goodbye. i know that i feel sometimes like by allowing them to leave me, i also feel like i'm betraying those memories & emotions that were so real & sharp to me then. but sometimes when i think i've put everything behind me, something in my subconscious wells up & reminds me of old ghosts & it just pisses me off that i'm not past it.

sometimes, i wish i could erase myself out of the lives of some people. i wish i've never met some people, & i wish they've never met me. so when i lay my eyes on certain people, it'll be like seeing a perfect stranger & vice versa. then sometimes, i become even more extreme & wish that i could erase my life off the face of this earth. not kill myself, cos that wouldn't erase the memories. but completely annihilate myself & any trace of myself, even the me that lives on in memories. i have dark days when thoughts like these crowd my brain & i feel so suffocated. but there are other days when these dark thoughts are a million miles away & i'm so glad to be alive.
for now, things are as they are & i don't want to touch certain things anymore. i'm not happy with the way they are, but i've accepted & i have no energy to want to do anything to make me happy about them. that doesn't mean i like it, but of course, you won't understand. to you, there's only stark black & white, & absolutely no shades of grey. so okay. fine. but don't make me conform to the black or white because it's too dark or too bright for me.

heh this has become a stream of consciousness rant, almost. but not quite. i'm still rather conscious of the sentences that form in my brain as i type them out.

erase me from the face of this earth. like an eraser, not like correction fluid. gone, not filled over.
i don't want to sleep cos i don't want to dream of things i don't want to have to face.