last night was reminiscent of the early hall days last sem, when night turned into day and afternoons into mornings. slept at 5am for the first time in a long time - and no, it wasn't to play bridge or to slip out of my room for supper.

JAP STUDIES PROJECT.

gave myself so much pressure on that one cos i'm doing it with Clem and his friend. being uber smart year3s, i don't think i match up to them in terms of brain and essay capacity yet. but being the writer i pride myself on being, i expect nothing less than Flawless Essays from myself.

so imagine my horror when i read Clem's bit about the history of ethnicity in Japan. i needed to re-read sentences and use a thesaurus. my notions of my own language ability disintegrated into thin air.

anyway. finished it at 4-ish then went to bed.

today will be a productive day. i can feel it. i need to start studying cos i ain't not going to Bangkok just to maintain a cap of 3.2. as you can see, i am sore about not going and having to stay behind in Singapore, for various reasons.

these days i'm layered with a million and one reasons for a million and one things, but i'm getting tired of explaining me to the world so i just let people grasp on to the first reason they stumble upon.

i pride myself on being a lot of things. being obedient to the point of stupidity and derision is one thing i find myself being increasingly better at. i think this newfound ability stems from my childhood-honed instincts to shut my emotions out and concentrate on the task at hand, operating at a perfunctonary level to do whatever i have to do before i shut myself off from the world for a couple of days to allow myself to break down and rebuild me up. it's been the rubber ball characteristic in me that's brought me to where i am today, bouncing back damn quickly when i get swatted off - but sometimes i think perhaps it's too quick a recovery, i force myself back into normalcy too quickly and that somewhere deep in me, there still resides a girl who's beaten down and wants nothing more than to stay down.

but i don't allow myself to be down and stay down for long, i strongly feel that life's too short for that. i don't want to merely exist, i want to live life for everything it's got to offer. wallowing in my misery for a while is fine, allowing me to grieve is also fine.

that's it, end of story.