am in the midst of cooking lunch for Carol now and am just waiting for the milk and water to boil before i pour the macaroni in.
i was thinking about my feelings before going to sleep last night.

you know, the view i used to hold, that i could categorise all my emotions and name them all precisely, recognise the place they held in my heart and know why i felt that way - that view is too naive.

i've learnt that it's impossible to compartmentalise my feelings. i can't separate some feelings from others, as much as i would like to.
i can't rationalise what i feel, as much as i would like to. why do i love somebody? out of the so many millions of people i could potentially fall in love with, why someone in particular? especially when there seems to be no more reasons left to love that person, when there seems to be more reasons to hate than to love.
why do i still love somebody when that person has no time for me, has no interest in pursuing a relationship now, says so adamantly that no, now's not the time, i don't have time.

that last line, no, now's not the time, i don't have the time - don't we say it to God so often? don't we often tell God that no, i don't have the time for you today, i want to concentrate on my work, i want to focus on the people i love, i want to use my precious energy to do the other things i deem so much more important. i don't have time for you God, i'm too tired and i don't have the energy to want to keep up or cultivate my relationship with you. yes, even though i know you love me so much, i don't have time for you. not now.

if i could compartmentalise everything i felt, i'd separate the soft illogical feelings from the hard logical facts and base everything i felt on what i know. if i could separate what i felt based on what i know i should be doing now, i'd be so odd. like, hmmm i know i like you very much, i care for you very much, but because i also know that now's not the right time for a relationship, all i feel for you is nullified and doesn't exist.

feelings aren't rendered completely non-existential just because they don't coincide with what i think i ought to be doing now right? you can't put them into a pretty box and hide it all away and deny the existence of the box. maybe you can put it all into a box and say, yeah, i'll put all these in the box for now. i know they exist, i'll come back to them one day. but for now, i'll close the box so i don't get detracted from what i have to do.

well. just Kelly's musing for the day. i'm not upset or anything, happily enough. just had that bit of thoughts float into my head, wrestled with them for a while, then will put them aside for now. into a pretty box that i'll close the lid to, into a pretty box that i'll come back to one day when the time's right to revisit things that i don't deny exist.

for now, onward cap 4.8 and exchange in 2008! gonna continue reading my soci textbook in a while. skipped an entire day of school today cos i felt weak and woozy and crampy. i can see the A i'm gonna get for the soci test tomorrow.